Evening Star Newspaper, December 15, 1929, Page 106

e, | -~ s THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, DECEMBER 15, 1929. EEVES AND THE YULETIDE SPIRIT Bertic ¥ voster Hasa S urprising Christmas 1 hought. HE letter arrived on the morning of the 16th. I was pushing a bit of break- fast into the Wooster face at the moment; and, feeling fairly well forti- fied with coffee and kippers, I de= cided to break the news to Jeeves without de- lay. As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing, you might just as well pop right at it and get it over. The man would be disappoint- ed, of course, and possibly even chagrined; but, dash it all, a spot of disappointment here and there does a fellow good. Makes him realize that life is stern and life is earnest. “Oh, Jeeves,” I said. nsj!.?u “We have here a communication from Lady ‘Wickham inviting me to Skeldings for the fes- tivities. We repair thither on the 23d. We shall be there some little time, I expect.” There was a pause. I could feel he was di- Yecting a frosty gaze at me. “I thought I understood you to say, sir, that you proposed to visit Monte Carlo immediately after Christmas.” “I know. But that's all off. Plans changed.” At this point the telephone bell rang, tiding over very nicely what had threatened to be an awkward moment. Jeeves unhooked the re- ceiver. “Yes? * * * Yes, madam. * * * Very good, madam. Here is Mr. Wooster.” He handed me the instrument. “Mrs. Spenser Gregson, sir.” You know, every now and then I can’t help feeling that Jeeves is losing his grip. In his prime it would have been with him the work of a moment to have told my Aunt Agatha that I was not at home, I gave him one of those re- proachful glances, and took the machine. “Hullo?” I said. “Yes? Yes? Yes? Bertie speaking. Hullo? Hullo? Hullo?” “Don't keep on saying hullo,” yipped the old relative, in her customary curt manner. “You're not a parrot. Sometimes I wish you were, be- cause then you might have a little sense.” Quite the wrong tone, of course, but what can one do? “Bertie, Lady Wickham tells me she has in- vited you to Skeldings for Christmas. Are you going?” “Rather!” “Well, behave yourself. Lady Wickham is an 0ld friend of mine.” “I shall naturally endeavor. Aunt Agatha,” X replied stifly, “to conduct myself in a manner befitting an English gentleman paying a visit——" “What did you say? Speak up. I can’t hear.” “I said right-ho.” _“OH? Well, mind you do. And there’s an- other reason why I particularly wish you to be as little of an imbecile as you can manage while at Skeldings. Sir Roderick Glossop will be there.” “What?” “Don’t bellow like that.” “Did you say Sir Roderick Glossop?” “I did.” “You don't mean Tuppy Glossup?” “I mean Sir Roderick Glossop. Which was my reason for saying Sir Roderick Glossop. Now, Bertie, I want you to listen to me atten- tively. Are you there?” " “Yes. S8Hll here” ““Well, then, listen. I have at last succeeded, after incredible difficulty and in face of all the evidence, in almost persuading Sir Roderick that you are not actually insane. He is pre- pared to suspend judgment until he has seen you once more. On your behavior at Skeldings, therefore——" But I had hung up the receiver. That's what I was, This Glossop was a formidable old bird with ® bald head and outsize eyebrows, by profes- sion a loony-doctor. How it happened, I couldn't tell you to this day, but I once got engaged to his daughter Honoria, a ghastly dynamic exhibit who read Nietzsche and had a laugh like waves breaking on a stern and rock- bound coast. The fixture was scratched, owing to events occurring which convinced the old boy that I was off my napper, and since then he has always had my name at the top of his list of Loonies I Have Lunched With. “Jeeves,” I said, all of a twitter, “do you know what? Sir Roderick Glossop is going to be at Lady Wickham’s.” “Very good, sir. If you have finished break- fast, I will clear away.’ Cold and haughty. No sympathy. None of the rallying-round spirit which one likes to see. As I had anticipated, Jeeves had been looking forward to a little flutter at the tables. We Woosters can wear the mask. I ignored his lack of decent feeling. “Do so, Jeeves,” I said proudly. Going down- to Skeldings, on the 23d, Jeeves was aloof and reserved. And before dinner on the first night of my visit he put the studs in my dress shirt in what I can only call a marked manner. The whole thing was extremely pain- ful, and it seemed to me, as I lay in bed on the morning of the 24th, that the only step to take was to put the whole facts of the case before him and trust to his native good sense to effect an understanding. My hostess, Lady Wickham, was a beaky female, built far too closely on the line of my Aunt Agatha for comfort, but daughter Roberta had welcomed me with a warmth which, I'm bound to say, had set the old heartstrings flut- tering a bit. And Sir Roderick, in the briet moment we had had together, had said, “Ha, young man!”—not particularly chummily, but he said it; and my view was that it practically amounted to the lion lying down with the lamb, So, all in all, life at this juncture seemed Pretty well all to the mustard, and I decided to tell Jeeves exactly how matters stood. “Jeeves,” I said, as he appeared. “Str2?” Shaken, BY P. G. WODEHOUSE.: 4 "An irresistible force was holding me straining at leash, as it were. afrald scratching that Monte Carlo trip a jar for you, Jeeves.” ” I've seen it. Very well, impress upon you, Jeeves, no light and airy caprice invitation to Lady Wick- angling for it for weeks, many considerations., It was im- that I should come to Skeldings for Jeeves, because I knew that young [ nephew. You may have observed hanging about the place a fellow with light hair and a Cheshire-cat grin. That is , and I have been anxious for some time to get to grips with him. The Wooster honor is volved.” I took & sip of tea, for the mere memory of my wrongs had shaken me. of the fact that young Tuppy is of Sir Roderick Glossop, at whose as you are aware, I have suffered with him freely. ‘“There was nothing for it but to drop into And what I maintain, Jeeves, is can’t back at him somehow at Skeld- vast recources which a coun- at my disposal—I am not the ? “You've seen Miss Roberta Wickham?” "Ys, sir.” “Very .well, then.” There was a pause while I let it sink in. “During your stay here, Jeeves,” I sald, “you will, no doubt, be thrown a good deal together 's maid. On such occasions, “You know what I mean. Tell her I'm rather 8 good chap. Mention my hidden depths. These things get around. A boost is never wasted, Jeeves.” “Very good, sir, But—" “But what?” “What I was about to remark, if you will ex- cuse me, sir, was that I would scarcely have thought Miss Wickham a suitable—" “Jeeves,” I said coldly, “what is your kick against Miss Wickham?” 5 “Oh, really, sir!” “Jeeves, I insist.” “It merely crossed my mind, sir, that for a gentleman of your description Miss Wickham is not a suitable mate.” “What do you mean by a gentleman of my description?” “I beg your pardon, sir. The expression es- caped me inadvertently. I was about to ob- serve, sir, that, though Miss Wickham is & charming young lady——" “There, Jeeves, you spoke an imperial quart. What eyes!” “Yes, sir.” “What hair!” “Very true, sir.” “And what espieglerie—if that’s the word I want.” “The exact word, sir.” “All right, then. Carry on.” “I grant Miss Wickham the possession of all these desirable qualities, sir. Nevertheless, Miss Wickham lacks seriousness, sir. She is too volatile and frivolous. To qualify as Miss Wick- ham’s husband, a gentleman would need to pos- sess a commanding personality and considerable strength of character.” “Exactly!” “I would always hesitate to recommend as a life’s companion & young lady with such a vivid shade of red hair., Red hair, sir, is dangerous.” I eyed the blighter squarely. “Jeeves,” I said, “you’re talking rot.” “Very good, sir.” good, sir—I mean very good, Jeeves; that will be all,” I said. And I drank a modicum of tea with a good deal of hauteur. It isn’t often that I find myself able to prove Jeeves in the wrong, but by dinner time that night I was in a position to do so, and I did it without delay. “TOUCHING on that matter we were touch- ing on, Jeeves,” I said, “I should be glad if you would give me your careful attention for a moment. I warn you that what I am about to say is going to make you look pretty silly.” “Indeed, sir?” . “Yes, Jeeves. Pretty dashed silly it's going to make you look. This morning, if I remem- ber rightly, you stated that Miss Wickham was volatile, frivolous and lacking in seriousness. Am I correct?” “Quite correct, sir.” “Then what I have to tell you may cause you to alter that opinion. I went for a walk with Miss Wickham this afternoon, and, as we walked, I told her about what young Tuppy Glossop did me in the swimming bath at the Drones. She hung upon my words, Jeeves, and was full of sympathy.” “Indeed, sir?” “Dripping with it. And that’s not all. Al- most before I had she was suggesting the brainiest scheme for bringing young Tuppy’s gray hairs in sorrow to the grave that any one could possibly imagine.” “That is very gratifying, sir.” “Gratifying is the word. It appears that at the school where Miss Wickham was educated, Jeeves, it used to become necessary from time to time for the right-thinking element to slip it across certain of the baser sort. Do you know what they did, Jeeves?” “No, sir.” “They took a long stick, Jeeves, and—follow me closely here—they tied a darning needle to the end of it. Then, at dead of night, they sneaked into the party of the second part's cubicle and shoved the needle through the bed- clothes and punctured her hot-water bottle. ‘““Well, Jeeves, that was the scheme which Miss Wickham suggested I should work on young Tuppy, and that is the girl you call frivolous and lacking in seriousness. Any girl who can think up a wheeze like that is my idea of a helpmate. “I shall be glad, Jeeves, if by the time I come to bed tonight you have waiting for me in this room a stout stick with a good sharp darning needle attached.” “Well, sir——" “Jeeves,” I said, “not another word. Stick, one, and needle, darning, good, sharp, onme, without fail, at 11:30 tonight.” “Very good, sir.” “Have you any idea where young Tuppy sleeps?” “I could ascertain, sir.” “Do so, Jeeves.” In a few mements he was back with the necessary inforriash. qu Glossop is established in the moat room, “Where’s that?” A “The second door on the floor below, sir.” “Right-ho, Jeeves.” The task to which I had set myself was one that involved hardship and discomfort, for it meant sitting up till well into the small hours, and then padding down a cold corridor. But I did not shrink from it. After all, there is a lot to be said for family tradition. We Woosters . did our bit in the Crusades. s It being Christmas eve, there was, as I had foreseen, a good deal of revelry and what not, s0 that it wasn't till past 1 that I got to my room. Allowing for everything, It didn't seem that it was going to be safe to start my little expedition till half past 2 at the earliest, and I'm bound to say that it was only the utmost resolution that kept me from snuggling into the sheets and calling it a day. I'm not much of a lad now for late hours. However, by half past 2 everything appeared to be quiet. I grabbed the good old stick and needle, and off along the corridor. And pres- ently, pausing outside the moat room, I turned the handle, found the door wasn't locked, and went in. At first, when I had beetled in, the room had seemed as black as a coal cellar, but after a bit things began to lighten. The curtains weren’t quite drawn over the window, and I could see a trifle of the scenery here and there. The bed was opposite the window, with the head against the wall and the end where the feet were jutting out toward where I stood, thus rendering it possible, after one had sown the seed, so to speak, to make a quick get- away. 'HERE only remained now the rather tricky problem of locating the old hot-water bot- tle. I mean to say, the one thing you can’t do if you want to carry a job like this through with secrecy and dispatch is to stand at the end of a fellow’s bed, jabbing at random. I was a good deal cheered, at this juncture, to hear a fruity snore from the direction of the pillows. Reason told me that a bloke who could snore like that wasn’t going to be awak- ened by a trifie. I ran a hand over the cover~ let. A moment l:ter I had found the bulge. I steered the good old darning needle on it, gripped the stick, and shoved. Then, pulling out the weapon, I sidled toward the door, and in another moment would have been outside, when suddenly there was a crash that sent my spine shooting up through the top of my head, and the contents of the bed sat up like a jack- in-the-box and said: “Who's that?” It just shows how your most careful strategic moves can be the very ones that dish your campaign. To facilitate the orderly retreat, according to plan, I had left the door open, and the beastly thing had slammed’like a bomb. But I wasn't giving much thought to the causes of the explosion. What was disturbing me was the discovery bloke in the bed might Tubby. Tubby has one voices. This one was the last trump and a after being on a diet I did not linger. off and away, And I was just about to something brought me up with a sudden jerk. An irresistible force was holding me straining at leash, as it were. You know, sometimes it seems to me as if Fate were going out of its way to such an ex- tent to snooter you that you wonder if it's worth while to struggle. The night being a trifle chillier than the dickens, I had donned for this expedition a dressing gown. It was the tail of this infernal garment that had caught in the door and pipped me at the eleventh hour. The next moment the door had opened and the bloke with the voice had grabbed me by the arm. B It was Sir Roderick Glossop. For about three and a quarter seconds, or possibly more, we just stood there, drinking each other in, so to speak, the old boy still at- tached with a limpetlike grip to my elbow. “You!” said Sir Roderick finally. And in this connection I want to state that it's all rot