Evening Star Newspaper, November 10, 1929, Page 105

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, NOVEMBER 10, 9. HE WHOOPS TO CONQUER—By]oseph Faus “Old Boy,” he soliloquized sadly, “they say the pen is mightier than the sword, but your pen cannot hold me here.” LOYSIUS JACKSON had 18 wives and enough progeny to fill a score of refrigerator cars. Aloysius was a blue-bloded, pink-eyed, white-nosed hog, pride and joy of all folk of Towa in general and pride and joy of Bud Jack- son, his owner, in particular. Blue ribbons, silver cups and cold cash Aloysius had brought to the Jackson family, wherefore he was given a last name, much affection, good slop and better corn. He was the sultan of swine, superior in poise and majestic in avoirdupois—the latter, according to troy cal- culation with Jackson collaboration, being four hundredweight. Aloysius had never had a sad grunt in his five-year career till one afternoon | his handsome master came and leaned dismally over his pen. “QOld boy,” he soliloquized sadly, “they say the pen is pen cannot ‘hold me here. Uncle Sam is calling, and tomorrow I start for Over There. I want - youwbeagoodpuvhflelmgone.mdn so I'll never eat another ham sandwich. Re- member, the name Jackson must never be low- ered, so don’t wallow in the mud. Take in all the fairs and stock exhibitions, but keep clear . of the barbecues. Goodby, old pal.” IX months later he was just another buck private, somewhere in France, marching through mud, warbling monotonously of an agreeable little lady from Armentieres, and thinking of the old home and the hog he had left behind him. “What’s the matter, buddy?” solicitously ask- ed a girl in a Red Cross hut back of the fight- ing lines near Soissons. She had a pretty figure, lovely black hair and beautiful gray eyes. “You look peaked. Have a ham. sandwich.” “No, thanks,” growled Bud. “Make mine vege- tarian. I'm on a diet.” The girl was puzzled. “All right,” she con-. ceded. “I'll fix you a lettuce-and-tomato sand- wich. But one trouble is, we are out of lettuce and I'll have to use cabbage. Also on account of the high tariff and the U-boats we have not yet réceived our Fall shipment of tomatoes. Too, it seems I have misplaced the mayonnaise. I'm real sorry the bread 4sn’t fresh and the butter is stale, but I assure you the cabbage came in just .Christmas before last. After all, war is war, you know.” “I don’t believe I'm hungry,” Pvt. Jackson decided. “Say, you don’t happen to have an old copy of the Farmers’ Breeder-Gazette, do you? Any date will do.” “No, but .we have Needlecraft and a 1906 edition of a mail order house catalogue,”. the pretty girl answered. “But maybe your specialty is cooking? I think we have a Mec- Guffey’s reader, too, if you want to brush up on your English.” . At this point a stocky chap with bow-legs amijably advised the girl to cease picking on his pal. The girl claimed she thought the lad had been trying to tease her, but if there were any hard feelings she would be more than glad to fix him a real pimento cheese sandwich and to find him a bottle of ginger ale. This fair and conciliatory offer met with no rebuff from Bud Jackson, and a few minutes later the girl sat down companionably with the two friends, while other doughboys looked on enviously and- harped about the service. It seemed "that Gen. Pershing had told the bow-legged Yank, in eonfldenqin that the division was destined to encamp that sec- tion for several months preparatory to a great drive on the German position. Pershing had asked the advice of the bow-legged chap— whose name was Lew Mullins: former occupa- tion, taxi driver, New York City—and Mullins had cautioned Pershing to utilize generously the spy service. An able spy, he declared, could do more good than entire regiment. A spy—— “Before we go ahy farther.” opined Bud, “it only polite to let the little girl here give name and U. 8. A. address in case the mightier than the sword, but your + the Red Cross girl. A French Wild Pig and a Hog Fancier From Towa Revive the Morale of a Regiment in This Farce of the Front Line. | PRRFESTRE c- NY ~ - e general or T wunt to write her a posteard.” “Smith,” obliged the little girl—“Mary Ann. Boston—State of Massachusetts, beans and cul- ture. State of mind? Superior. State of matri- mony? Never been there. Financial state? Don't ask Dun & Bradstreet. Ambition? Just to live in a house by the side of the road and be a friend to man and the lady he dines with. In such charming bucolic inn I aspire to serve excellent dinners, with no cover charge when the weather is warm and a high cover charge when the weather is cold, so the customers can get warm. Far from the madding crowd, out from the coal dust of the cities, in for.the gold dust of the hungry, I want to rise like Silas Lapham. Gentlemen, do you think the war will ever end?” g ¢DERSONALLY I am from Iowa,” gently be- gan Pvt. Jackson in soulful voice. “Iowa raises more wheat per acre than any State in the Unfon. Also it has few serious rivals in “What's the matter, Buddy?” asked “You look peaked. Have a ham sandwich.” “This has been a real treat, Mr. Jackson,” she_told him when he reluctantly left. “Most of the soldiers are so different, they crave talk on such dull subjects as moonlight, romance and marriage and are always suggesting common things like dancing, walking or riding. Ycu're so refreshing, and they're just fresh. To be - with you is really educational. I had, for instance, never thought hogs were so human and likable. To tell the truth, I had planned ° to serve roast pork every Tuesday in my way- side inn, but now I think I will substitute duck - or quail. Please come again.” “I'll be here tomorrow,” faithfully promised Mr. Jackson, “unless I'm dead or on K. P. duty. [ still got more things to tell you about Aloysius. “There is, for one, that time he copped the championship at the tri-State fair in Kansas City. Also the newspaper clippings I have about him you will love to read. They give his whole history, exact measurements, and so forth, and tell the opinions of the best stock experts.” “I can hardly wait,” reverently agreed the beautiful Bostonian. “Well, alez-opp.” THE steady roar of cannons on both sides of the lines not far away, the hum of the airplanes overhead and the frenzied movements of thousands of troops in close proximity in no way affected the buoyant spirits of the two new friends nor deterred them from meeting when- ever possible. Pvt. Mullins caustically advised them that a war was going on and in a few. . days they would be in action. “Spies will win the war,” he asseverated gloomily one night, “and here you all go on speaking of sordid swine. The only likeable thing about hogs is the smell of frying bacon on cold mornings. All about us maybe there are spies working to win the war for the Kaiser. Better watch your step.” “You talk like a dancing master,” smiled Mary Ann. “Now, Bud, about the genealogy of Aloysius . . . ” A week later Pvt. Jackson received a letter from home that cast his tanned countenance into a lugubrious mold. His eyes were almost glassy as he staggered into the Red Cross hut that evenipg and refused a piece of genuine apple pie, but accepted Mary Ann’s consoling hand. “What is it, Bud?” queried the girl anxiously. “Aloysius,” he said numbly, “is gone.” “Aloysius gone!” echoed the other. “When? Where? And why?™ “Stolen,” elucidated the Iowan pathetically. “Seems dad sent out a big shipment of stock one day and the next morning he found Aloysius was missing. Said ma noticed a tramp hanging around the farm the night before, and she thinks he lured Aloysius away with water- melon rind. That was his one weakness, water- melon rind. If anything happens to Aloysius it will kill me. Besides, he was worth more than $5,000. He was the best prize-breeder in B the Middle West. It was in one of the paper clippings I showed you.” “I saw it,” ackncwledged Mary Ann com- fortingly. “But please cheer up, Bud. Don’t be so down in the mouth; remember Jonah— Bud Jackson essayed a feeble smile. “I can't help but worry, though,” he sadly confessed. Pvi. Mullins was of the candid opinion that it Aloysius was so dad-llamed intelligent he would find a way to escape from the uvaughty old tramp man. A great many trampe, he af- firmly happily, were really international spies in disguise. They were very resourceful ani could traiu all sorts of animals—even hogs—for their nefarious purposes. He went on to recount how damnably c'ever spies were, and gave an illustration. That very afternoon, he said, he had pagsed . & Frenchman’s house and on its clotheslin: in the rear hung a recent washing. It was not altogether foolish to assume the owner of ®iat house had a German grandfather or else a yem for German gold. He had seen' an enemy * »lane sweep down, despite anti-aircraft gun, and his idea-was the aviator wanted to see the washing on the-line. Here hung a jacket with but one arm, and that meant an army was bivouacked nearby. An undershirt was next to it, and that meant the Americans were getting ‘down to business- and it behooved any enemy to be careful. Diapers numbering 42 also hung on the line, - and that meant that the allied leaders were not saying anything o the ‘people about birth control. F R “I don’t claim,” the authority on spy systems admitted, “that the clothes meant all that, but I do claim they could have meant all that. It shows how shrewd a traitor or informant can be. The scouts and sneaks will win the war, not the poison gas and guns.” “But about Aloysius,” reverted Pvt. Jackson worriedly, “I can't understand how that tramp® knew he had a weakness for watermelon rind. ” I— “Forget Aloysius,” kicked his side-step. “Say, you are the prize bore with that prize boar. I believe you think mbre of pork than you do patriotism. Get a towel—you're all wet.” % Mary Ann saved Pvt. Mullins at this point oy stepping forward and intercepting Pvt. Jack- son’s fist in a non-stop flight to somebody’s nose. Heatedly she asked them if Uncle Sam paid them $33 a month just to fight each other. After a third reiteration they humbly agreed she ° was right. & “Then kiss,” she curtly advised, taking out a : rompact, “and I'll make-up.” 'HE great drive for the strategic German po- - - sition came off several days later. Zero hour ° was at 5 in the morning, and pale dawn showed ° thousands of alert Yanks creeping stealthily across No Man's Land toward the German trenches. Tardily discovered, big Berthas and companions belched reprisal and in dismay the khaki-clads fell back, repulsed. Perspiring and . swearing, in his original dugout, Lew Mullins, borrowing a sergeant’s trench periscope, peered forth toward the trilumphant enemy. After a minute he exclaimed in wild excitement: “Say, there's a big hog running across to ~ Heine! Boys, I believe it's a spy hog! We got ° to get it!” - Frantically he seized his buddy by the arm. “You know hogs, Bud! You can catch it! Go - ahead, big boy!” and he energetically shoved the willing but confused big boy over the top of the parapet onto No Man’s Land. At the moment there was a lull in the firing on both sides, and in the lull there sounded the * clear tenor voice of Pvt. Jackson singing the themesongof the pigsty drama. “Pig-sooeey! Pig= sooeey! Sooeey! Sooeey! Ka-slop! Ka-slop! Ka- slop! .Sooeey! Sooeey! Pig-sooeeeey! Pig- sooeeeey!” The Germans, amazed and curious at the astonishing and incongruous cry, ceased their firing altogether, and the Yanks, equally sur- prised, let fall their guns and watched. In the center of No Man’s Land, the hog paused, his beady little gaze quivering and darting from Prussian trench to American. Bud wet his lips carefully and once again the seductive entreaty of the barnyard melodiously penetrated the silent atmosphere. “Pig-sooeey! Pig-soceey! Ka= slop! Ka-slop! Ka-slop! Sooeey! Sooeey! Pige Sooeeeey! Pig-Sooeeeey! Pig-sooeeeey!” The pig turned with final decision and scur- ried jealously and expectantly toward the lone Yank on the embankment. At its move a sharp= shooting Fritz sent a bullet in ineffectual pure suit. Qthers emulated the example, answers were made, and inferno set in again. But just in time Bud and the hog fell safely over the parape$ into the Yankee dugout and, at the sight, seve eral thousand doughboys leaped up with terrie fying yells of approval and triumph and started toward the enemy. “Say, that’s an intelligent French pig!” cried Bud happily as he scrambled to his feet. “It never understood the words, but it sure did the tune! Here, piggy, take a bite of this army bis- cuit. Take two bites—take it all. I'm generous that way. I'd do anything for you in'the name of Aloysius—dear old Aloysius.” His voice falter« ed as he petted the pig. “Wait a minute!” snarled the suspicious Mul- lins, ‘and feverishly ‘he tore at the frightened animal’s neck and feet but found no fatal spy message attached thereto. With a chagrined ex< pletive he jumped up and ran after his com< across the battle-field. A COLONEL called Bud before him the nex¢ day. “The morale of the troops was at lo®w ebb,” he said gravely, “when our first advance - was repulsed. Your brave action in standing ex- posed and alone on the intrenchment and call ing to that stray hog revived their drooping _ spirits and