Evening Star Newspaper, March 1, 1925, Page 81

Presidents and Kings and “Uneasy Lies the Head” L o BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S P. T. Barnum, the nent of truth, onct sald, ‘A King can do no Wrong, but a President has one heck of a time getting folks to admit he does anything right.” Which great speech shows one or two chief differences between the two types of office holders. The subject come up to me when Juntor, that's my kid, looked up from a book of falry storles and he says hey Ma, he says, why do we have a President, why ain’t we got & King tn Americ Ana I says son, on account now entirely out of date, and America is nothing if not abso- lutely up to the minute, see? In fact, I says, Presidents, the same as most modern improveme are a Amer- can invention And Junfor says like power plants, gas tanks and loud speakers? And I says yes dear, just the same, and they are now in pretty general use all over the world, now go on, read the pretty book and leave r be quiet. no, that is never Jr's speed. That kid can think up hard questions then a cross-word puzzle ufacturer Well say Ma, he freren etiwe king, d this we And 1 but very body v great ex- kings more , what is the 2 ident and a ident get crowned say ot this week, later on some- ¥s who will mother? bably some out- politician ys, but Ma, the othing week, at will he do, President I heard pop sa; sit on a throne Woell, sort of, I says. What kind of a throne, Ma? says | Junior, one with gold and velv and fons in the front to cat bad people? Well, 1 will admit he pretty near me stopped, but I tried to ex- like I belleve a person always to their child d not give e ellly answe ys no dear, th a regular bus he swing lean over kwards {f he sees he have no lions to guard him. is a office boy to eat up the people, and believe you me I } n plenty who were | quite able Well Ma, does 1o this wee im? says Jr. And I says w Presdential ess desk- round in | the President hey don't crown 1y he takes his oath | »f office, Bets augurated, see? What's inaugurated? 2 Well, I says to him, it means a lot of brass bands, les, high silk s and getting photograph L after excitement the spe have dted | quietly being pt the Llocs, dinner eptions eans taking ething and making a good that's about asPres- is over down, usual tackles, speeches, and et hold of som job of 1 interru four years. | the President g00d, hub? And now for the and play and ore questions. UNIOR thinking abou business, and P and Aces and . Beomed to me old kings work personal good deal c: Pres. s now For a sample esier to run than to tell s it. And thes when Congress pu they would merel it yourselves, and would haf to do it. And if them fel- Jers tried any vetoing of something the king wanted, why the king would rely call the chief executioner and say “veto.,” which is old Enugiish, or xomethin ‘quick.” In t days X their heads Ats in conse- licre after all them gh they done all the d ! then our anybody knows it is vour own self how to do kings, why up a bill to' them say, aw Ko pay their Congres a house | certainly |an | There didn’t nobody, quence question of necks and h New Light on the Doctrine of Darwin “THE KING WOULD MERELY CALL THE CHIEF EXECUTIONER AND SAY ‘VETO, WHICH IS OLD ENGLISH, OR SOMETHING FOR QUICK.” THE SUNDAY When the New Term Begins And Hot Bozo! When any of them kings wanted a special style postal Increase or a coupla underslung bat- tleships or a foreign insurance pol- fcy, they didn't wait around for a | bunch of old birds to decide in com. mittes if red stamps or green would look prettier on the document. Not much; the king would merely holler go get it, boys, and if they didn't, well they never dled of old age. In fact, the principal work of kings appears to of been giving orders of | every brand, from the kind you pin len a | that starts a war. person’s chest to the variety But with a President, now, he don't give many orders. He makes sug- | gestions, and that's a whole lot dif- ferent. Also, he has got to broadcast a lot of speeches, open numbers of fairs and negotiations, and he always has a lot of foreign relations, for which he has got my sympathy on account them relations probably ain't any easier to handle or to keep quiet and peaceful then most other people's relations. And on top of all that, he has got a lot of people who ain't even re- lated to him hanging around the Capitol. Such as Congressmen and Sen- ators. These, together with a ware- house full of secretaries and bu- reaus and other White House fur- nishings, are all supposed to be a help to him, and belleve you me, I pity the poor Pres. with that help, T know if I had it around the house it would drive me Even Aunie Gooch, our high-speed Molasses Queen, is lots of times more trouble then assistance, I could easier pitch right in and do the whole thing myself, what with the way Annle will stand leaning on a broom and gas on about the neighbors and what not. why sho might as well be in Congress as in my back hall, sweep- ing. So 1 have a pretty good idea of the troubles a Pres. of the U. 8. A. has got e ND here is one other place where a Pres. has it harder then a king. in the old days of history, dast criticize them kings. The king was the high card in the deck and what he did was jake with everybody—so far as he ever heard about it, apyways, and quite to the naturally, since there 't any newspaper editors in the days of history. Since newspaper editors started their business, why kings has pretty well dled out. But if them news- paper boys had started up their line i few coupla hundred annums sooner, why the dying out would of more then likely been the other way around, the kings would of attended to_that. So far as I can make out, the only presidents which get no criticlams is the dead ones. As soon as a Pres. is where he can't hear or read what is being sald about him, the custom- ers commence saying what a great man he was and eto. and begin hang- ing laurel wreaths on him. 1 often think it is too bad them Presidents dld»1 get a few of said bouquets while they was alive, but no, all they got, as a rule, was bou- quets of bricks and very few wreaths was hung on them while llving, ex- cepting of crepe. While alive, about all the appreci- ation they get could be parked in a bolshevist’s safety deposit box, and the only tims when a Pres. is made thoroughly to feel that he is the whole cheese is at the ons big party they give to him every four yrs. when they let him into office. I imagine where they have to pre- pare for this inauguration for weeks ahead, what with getting the {nvita- tions all out, ordering the {ce cream and etc, and the Pres. gets kinda nervous over it, especially if it's his debut In that line, Of course if it 15 a old story to him, why he probably feels oh well I guess I got to go, goodness knows I hate to dress, I wonder will my high hat fit me when I get it out, or will I| have to buy a new one, grumbling male thoughts which they always have them when you mention going to any formal affalir. For weeks, very likely, the Pres. has had the darn party hanging over him, from the day he got his invita- tion, which must come as pretty near as big a surprise in the morning’s mail as the shock he got when the boys dropped around to Inform him he had been elected some wks. after the voting, etc. was all over. * Ok ¥ & INOW kings, they didn’t have none of these worries. They grew up with the idea that when poppe was taken by the angels they would get his job and his property, and that was that. Honest, T don't know whers that “uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” stuff got started, unless, of course, it was customery to wear them to bed. AS I understand It, the few king jobs that are still belng filled in Europe are really pretty soft. The work is all done for them, and all they got to do is to look pretty, keep the buttons on their vari- ous uniforms polished up bright, and accept invitations to parties. But just let a Pres. try to have a little fun putting on a fancy uniform, and other and Hot Bozo! he'd never hear the last of {t! The one real chanct he has to get dressed up at all is In- auguration, and then it is only in the kind of olothes no man likes to put on. Well anyways, I got thinking this all over, see, and I decided I oer- tainly did wish this present Pre: all the luck in the world, and I felt sorry I wasn't going to his party. I heard where the f{nauguration ball had been given up In favor of @ inauguration balling out, but just the same I wisht I could be in Wash. D. C. on that day, and see the affalr, but that's the day my cross-word puzzle club holds its monthly tourna mont and 1 realized where it w. gonner be impossible for me to get away. However, I and pretty near everybody else in the country would be, as the saylng goes, there in spirit or by Radlo, and sure hoped the affalr would be & big success and that Mrs. Coolldge wouldn't wear herself all out entertaining the folks | and cleaning up after, * % % % WWELL when I come to the cleantng- up thought, that put me in mind of Junior, and I wondered where he was, the house was entirely too qulet, something must be wrong. 1 commenced calling him, couldn’t tune in, so I got up and commenced a search, but he wasn't anywheres around until I opened the closet where 1 keep my jams and preserves which I put up regularly every year from the grocery store. Generally I keep this door locked for diplomatic reasons, but today some-| thing must of slipped, on account| there was Junior making friends with a jar of strawberry. What are you doing in there, Junior | Jules, T says, stop it at once, and| come right out this minute, i And he says aw Ma, 1 was just in- augurated into here, he says, I just got in. Well you come with me, I s=ays, persuading him by the arm, and I| will {naugurate one of a pair of new slippers I just got. I ain't looked up that word in the dictionary yet son, but 1f 1t means what I think it does, that slipper is going Into office with | the right spirit. And when I said this the idea came over me whers if in addition to glv-| Ing the President a party on Wednes- | day they wanted to give him a sou-| venir as well, maybe a golden slipper would be both appropriate and useful, | as it might come in handy at times when he caught Congress going Into| the Government jam closet. (Copyrigh! ) but I STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, MARCH 1, 1925—PART 5 Filming Inaugural Parade Togo Reports Proposal at Japanese Thinking Society BY WALLACE IRW To Editor The Star, who are happy man because he can go in & out of his Office without secret service & militia. FAREST SIR: The Japanese Thinking Society, of which I are a membership, meet last Wedsdy night at Suns of Sa- murai Dance Hall & Amuse- ment Room for puppose to dis-cuss following unportant question 1—Shall there be a Perade on In- oggeration Day? 2—Well, then, what shall it Be? Hon. Napoleon B. Zero, Japaness real estate, set in chairman throne & look at us twice because cross-eyos put too much static in his expros- slon. Fellow Thinkers,” he commence, gazzing at me in one place and Syd- ney Katsu Jr in another, “I wish ask opinion of this meeting. Shall Hon. Cal Coolidge be Inoggerated with royal pump & ceremony or shall it be 2 5 & 10c ceremony to show Economy Administration?” “As far as I can outlook,” dictate G. Suga, Japanese . grocer, “why should Hon. Cal get Inoggerated at all Al elected, world should know he are should not?" corrode Arthur Kiokahajama with rudder voico. It were the Gen. Understanding that he were elected in Nov." cacki- late this G. Suga. “He are the most elected president I know annything about. Then why should America g0 to all those axpense telling the World | what it already know well? If Bu-| preme Court would merely read a let-| ter trom Hon. Jno W. Davis with re-| port, ‘Dear Cal, I acknowledge it’ how much money would it save U. 8. to spend {n Prohibition Investigations?” “O G. B. Psha: su, Jr, “what are axpenses for a few marching armies, Senators in car- riages, militla & boy scouts to great country like this? A few weeks of yore thers were a ecklipse of sun and everybody stop work to hire & taxi- cab. DId Congress cumplain about of that? No!!" " collapse G. Suga, Jap- ries, “that ecklipse of sun come only once In 500 yrs, so America can blow itself out for something which arrive so seldomly. But this Inoggeration come so frequently it make me very tired in the incum ou are out of odor!" dommute Hon. Chair with fierce hammer. “Set down & rest your ankles. Because I are in the real estate business I know that money travel around In circles. 1 are no Senator Borah, always trying to keep the money qufet by insulting some Foren Power. I say, Go ahead & espent it boys, while we got it! That are my polley when inviting people to buy Western Additions. America got to do things on §n en- larged scale. Otherwisely some oth- er cigarette manufacturer will get all the space on advertising bull- boards. Therefore the eyes have it It are decided that Pres. Coolidge shall be Inoggerated with great pump & ceremony. Now, question are, How Shall We Do It Different P— JT were then that my Cousin Nogi who sometime show gt mental power (inherited from me) elope to his feet with World Court expres- sion. “Mr. Chair,” he dictate distinctually, “I have brought with me a Solutfon. Pumit me to interduce to you Hon. Longfellow Hitchi, Gen. Producer of the Banzal Emotion Picture Corpora- tion of Jollywood, Cal, who have travelled thusly far to commence a movement for the Innoggeration Beautiful in 19 re ‘We could not what he had, Mr. Editor, until he reach down & fetch out one Japaness of intensely small length & remarkabiliously enlarged fatness. He cantain a studlo kn tie, Mountain climbing boots & Fight- ing Bobbed hair pecullar to Hon. La Folette. When standing he seem to swell very high from his famus personality. “Gentlemen & Thinkers,” he com- mence in a wringing voice, “as rep- resentativ of the Banzal Emotion Pie- ture Corporation I have arrived here! in my pocket for| with a contrackt staging ‘the Inoggeral Perade ac- cording to a 20000000003 plan in- vented in Jollywood, Cal, where dol- expensive than German Obtained From Experts and Students HEN LEACOCK. tly there has a 1ot of pew trouble about evolution In the ier the theory is be all wrong or else £ the matter with it. | cemed as if the doc- o universally charm. It close second to | and the com- there was no it than there that rece theory ols ears it had 16 of evolutio ccepted as to lose a spherical trigonometry religion and 1t about Then sudd ¥y someth have happened. A boy Kansas publ gchool threw down book and sald that the next time ha was called protozoan he'd quit the clas 1 school board to say that for to teach his children that descended from monke: cast a doubt elf which he found intole er that the| ing seems to swept. proces- | town vote | unable to support (or | and they w that they to underst fcal bioj ot nted it The Women's Culture Club of Win- ona, Utah, moved that the name of Charles Darwin be changed in_ the text books of the state to that of W. Bryan. The Anti-Saloon League | oted that the amount of Darwinian- ism that should nsed in the | schools should not 1 half of 1 per cent The obvious 1 ter is to tion as began in Kan time carried inning of the mat- the theory of evolu- | the trouble of us at that his head an outline, a little bit hazy, but still usable, of the doctrine of evolution we re- membered it from our college train- ing. OQUTLINE OF EVOLUTION AS DIMLY SALLED FROM COLLEGE EDUCATION cended from y: descent, however, ace a long time ago and there is no shame in 1t now. It happened two or three thousand years ago and must have been after and not before the Trojan war. Weo have to Temember also that there are several kinds of monkeys. There is the ordinary monkey seen in the street with the hand organ (com- munis monacus). the baboon, the gi- boen (not Bdward), the bright, merry, little chimpanzee, and the hairy ourang-outang with the long arms. Ours is probably the hairy euranig-outang. mon- “WE ARE ALL DESCENDED FROM MONKEYS. THIS DESCENT TOOK PLACE A LONG TIME AGO, AND THERE IS NO SHAME IT NOW.” But this monkey business is only part of it. At an earlier stage men were not even that. They probably began as worms. From that they worked up to being oysters; after that they were fish, then snakes, then birds, then flying squirrels, and at last monkeys. The same kind of change passed over all the animals. All the ani- mals are descended from one another. The horse is really a bird, and is the same animal as the crow. The differences between them are purely superficlal. It a crow had two more feet and no feathers it would be a horse except for its size. The whole to these changes were brought about by what is called the survival of the fittest. The crook- edest snake outlived the others. Each creature had to adapt itself or bust. The giraffe lengthened its neck. The stork went in for long legs. The hedgehog developed prickles. The skunk struck out an independent line of its own. Hence, the aamals that we see about us—as the skunk, the toad, the octopus, and the canary— are a highly selected lot. This wondertul theory was discov- ered by Charles Darwin. = After a five-year voyage in the Beagle as a naturalist in the Southern Seas, Dar- win returned to England and wrote a_ book called “Sartor Resartus,” which definitely established the de- scent of mankind from the avoirdu- pols apes. One must admit that in this form the theory does not seem calculated to give any great offense to anybody. Oné must, therefore, suppose that the whole of the present bitter contro- versy arose out of what Darwin him- self must have written, But this is obviously not so. I have not actual- 1y before me the text of Darwin's pwn writings, but I recall the general run of what he Wrote with sufficient ac- curacy to reproduce it here. (Personal Recollection of the Work of the Great Naturalist), On the Antilles the common orow or decapod, has two feet, whila in the Galapagos Islands it has @ third. This third foot, however, does not ap- pear to be used for locomotion, but merely for conversation, Dr. Ander- son of H. M. S. “Unspeakable” during his visit to the Galapagos Islands in 1834 saw two crows sitting on a tree. One was, apparently, larger than the other. Dr. Anderson also saw a liz- ard at Guayaquil in Ecuador which had lost ons toe. In fact, he had quite a good time. It would be too much to say that ths crow and the lizard are the same bird. But there seems little doubt that the apex cervieus of the lizard s of the same structure at the rudimentary dorsal fin as the crow. I put forward this statemsnt, how- ever, with the modesty which it de- serves and am only led to it with deep reluctance and with a full sense of its fatal character. I may say that I myself whils off the Oesophagus Islands in H. M. S. “Impossible” in the year 1923 saw & flock of birds of the kind called by the sailor “bum-birds” which alight- ed on the masts and held on by thelr feet. In fact, I saw a lot of inter- esting things like that. While I was in the “Beagle,” I re- call that on one occasion we landed on the Marquesas Islands, where our captain and his party were enter- tained by the chief on hams and yams. After the feast a group of native women performed a hula-hula dance, during which I wandered out Into the woods and secured a fine collection of toads. On the next island—while the cap- tain and his officers were watching a hitchi-kitchi dance—I picked up some admirable specimens of lizards; very admirable, indeed. Once again in all fairness one must admit that there is no reason to quarrel with this. But to make the case still plainer, let us set alongside of this a clear, simple statement of the theory of evolution as it is now held by the scientists in our colleges. I have be- fore me the enunciation of the doc- trine as stated at the request of the press by a distinguished biologist during the height of the present con- troversy. What he says runs as fol- lows, or very nearly as follow: ‘All controversy apart, we must at least admit the existence of & con- tinuous morphological protoplasmic differentiation—"" ) That seems to me a fair, manly statement of a plain fact “Cytology is still in its Infancy—" * holla Sydney Kat- | | | | marx. This sky-sscrapping, heart- | | bursting, maglifiuous spacktackle ar | sipposed to break the Tenth Com- | mandment in the size of its photo pos- sibilities. This universal, kollossal production have the approval of| everybody axept the President who have not signed it yet becau busy vetoing other bills. I scenario here in my pocket port virtually. “Read it suddenly!" body in unicorn. | Silence in the coat room!" snarrel | Hon. Chalr with loud bang of tack- hammer. “It have been moved & sec- onded that Hon. Longfeilow Hitchi read scenario for Inoggeral Perade. The eyes have {t. Therefore he will read.” Houn. Longfellow Hitch! plunge & great plece of paper out of pocket & while pacing uply and downly with | de Mille expression he read following startled informatio: HONEST VIRTU! WINS. A BANZAI PRODUCTIO) PASSED BY THE NATIONAL BOARD OF SENSELESS. DERANGED BY LONGFELLOW HITCHL SCENARIO BY RUDOLPH WERB. PHOTOS BY ROBIN HOOD WF VIL. LANDSCAPES _ FURNISHED THE UNION PACIFIK RR. ARCHITECTURE BY MEAD & WHI COSTUMES _BY HITT AND FEATURING alvin Coolldge. * % % HOF LONGFELLOW MITCHI read | that while we all stood gast for | |that phenomenal. With Jno Barry- more eyebrows he fold over that manuscrip & read furthermore. CAPTION——Born of poor Farm- ing Stock littls Calvin soonly learns the secrets of Massachu- setts Politicks. At the age of 10 he saves the farm. At the age of | 13 he saves a quarter. ‘He will be our Eckonomy President’ say all the Nelghbors. 8cene 1 View of Pennsylvania Ave. The Inoggeral Perade have just stopped holla every- | BY McKIM, ROZENKRANTZ Colorado——" “Stop up!” holla Sydney Katsu, Jr. “How could you have Grand Canyon of Colorado on Penn Ave Wash, D. o | this famus Hitchi. ‘That are too simpul to mention,” narrate Hon. Hitch! with Van Dyke | expression. “By pumission of the Unlon Pacifilck RR we hav slight section of the Grand Canyon moved to Wash, D. C. After Inoggera- tion it will be moved back.” “But with these rocky holes on it Pennsylvania Ave will not lopk nat- ural” obtrude S. Wanda, Japanese soclalist, “That, T belleve, are the object of 20000000003 production,” narrate We wish give America a glgantiferous thrill by making Hon. Inoggeral Perade so dif- ferent you will not know it. There- fore I will read onwards.” Scene 2 Cow-punches, miners & retired soap manufacturers step out from Grand Canyon to make registry of great en- Jjoyment. But in midst of them come very wickid Indian Chief, Good-While-You-At-It and declare that Hon. Coolidge shall not be elec ed again because he did not pay cent for the Indian vots. R indignation by all Scene 3 Chief Stickem-Good-W hile-You-At- | It are enroped by Hon, Wi lad to nearby execution. moves onward with digni Scens 4 Niagara Falls (kindness loan of Grand Central RR). Hon Al Smith in barrel distinctually marked Halg & His Brother, come riding down rap- ids until he reach feet of Pres. Cool- idge. Rajahs & Prucession Title. “Cal, you may command the Ship of State but never the Water Waggon Reply Title. Al, bewear before you foil me once too often!!” low Fade-Out Scene & Hon. Perads are slowly round on bend of street toward Cap- ital Hill. Hon Borah & La Folettee are there dishgulsed as Committee on Rivers & Harbors. Title, “We will turn the Street into the Grand Canal of Venice so they will lose their way.” Scene & Architects, scenario etc turn Penn- in front of the Grand Canyon of the|SYIvania Ave into Grand Canal of | Venice. Parade stop, looking kinda estranged. “Where we going from Here?' Long come Borah & Senator Reed dishguised as gondiliers. Title. “Oh Venetia, Venetia, Longa time go!” Scene 7 had & Quite a number of Admirals show ckem- | a|bra turning | ds wondering e to Capital ef Just Taft Precession in time not to ma too mad & angered. | Title | “Whatho! A submarine, by golly!" Sceno 8 thers In aw: h subn Of surely enou approach grand arine of re- cent nfacture rybody enjoy to see it axept Pres Coolidge who are be breaking some ment with Gt Brit € | Howeverl others, axer ypine Scouts whe hind. Isl: | Philippin lead Scout of G mma. Ferguson, all lept Into Canal and swum to Capital Bldg just in time to {see Hon. Coolldge swear that he are Pres. of the United States can prove it. | w Fade Out. | THE D | £ % % % VWWHEN Hon Lengfellow Hitchi say 1 those thoughts members of nking Society stop do! | Japanese o § g questi Chair, T aire,” mber. ay {t sw gth,” nar: ask ome (1) Furo, Japan- stre Zer. “If this emotion pic {range this Inogeeral § | require Furo, " | Pres. Coolidge all that time nyon blow Indians explode, ls come down, Grand Ca- over—yet how we could cep our intelligence glude on Hon. Coolidge with so many events shoot- ing? After all, are he not main actor |in_that show?" “0 katz & ra | fellow Hitch * snarrel Hon Long- “how could you keep { drumming aw at such smallish | things when we got 20000000008 for {to spend on a production? | “But in such splandid puformance | you cannot ses the actor for the | scenery.” “Ezackly!” amputats Hon. Hitch | “If you keep that great truth in m soonly 3 will learn the art | scenario writing & make a of yr lite.” { T are thunder-hit | Hoping you are tie same i Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Oopyrig! of Great Army of Jobless Is Forecast When the Race Loses Teeth and Hair BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: Our text for to- day is taken from Prof. E. E. Raymond of Harvard, who has came out with a statement which if same proves true it will raise more havoc than any- thing that has happened since the invention of the saxophone. The prof. says that the time is coming when man won't have no hair or no teeth pnd maybe only one finger and toe ‘aplece and a bigger skull and brain and a longer face, ‘When the prof. says man he cer- tainly must mean women too be- cause it would be a raw deal If we boys was obliged to go around like that wile the gals retained all the digits and accessorys they have got at present and we would ba more of a laughing stock than ever amongst the fair sex. The future man, says Prof. Ray- mond, “is certain to lose his teeth becauss he don't need them no mofe. The ape man used them to tear sinews and break nuts and etc. but civilization has done away with these conditions. Hair was glve us by na- ture to protect us vs. cold, but now we have got coats and artificlal cov- ering. Man used to half to have toes to help him climb trees to escape the animals, but now he don't need to removes any a priori difficulty in the way of evolution,” So there we are, After that one would think that the Kansas schools ‘would have no further difficulty about the thing. THE TIME OF EVOLUTION. UT even if we reach a definite conclugion as to the nature of the process by which life gradually ap- peared and assumed higher and high- er forms, the question still remains— over how great & period did the proc- ess last? What time element must be interposed? In other words, as Henri Bergson once stated it, with a char- acteristic flash of genlus, “How long did it take?” The earlier estimates of evolution- ary scientists placed the age of man at about 500,000 years. This was ridiculously low. You can’t evolve any kind of real man in that time. Huxley boldly raised the figure to 1,000,000. Leord Kelvin, amid unusual applause, put it up to 2,000,000 years. The cheers had hardly died away when Sir Ray Lankester disturbed the whole universe by declaring that man was 4,000,000 years old. Two years later a professor raised it to 5,000,000. This estimate was seen and raised to 10,000,000 years. This again was ralsed from year to year amid This is too bad, but it will grow. “But at least It involves the admis- sion of a primitive conformity which universal enthusiasm. The late advices are that a stu- dent in Schenectady Technical High no more and can get along with a whole lot less fingers. The shape of the human skull and man's erect position is designed to promote an increase in the size and weight of the brain.” Well, friends set down a wile and ponder what all this means. It ain’t no wonder people will be wearing longer faces as they will be thousands of* thousands throwed out of work. Without no teeth and no reason for teeth they won't be no dentists and without no dentists they won't be no factories for making them weapons that nobody but a dentist would dast use. And without no hair they won't be no excuse for barber shops which means that all the barbers will not only be out of a job but they won't have no place to talk and nobody to talk to. Without hair and whiskers and testh they won't be nobody advertis- ing shampoo cream or shaving pow. der or tooth paste which means clo: ing up a Tot more factories to say nothing about shutting down all the magazines, which is now supported by the boys that advertises thess im- plements. Any ways you can sce the fnish of some magazines which don't need to mention their nam but the only place you ever find them, 1s at barbers and dentists. ‘With the barl out of busin, School places the age of man at 100- 000,000 years. For a rough working estimate, therefore, the business man will not' bs far wrong In assuming (for practical purposes) that the age of man is anything from 100,000,000 to 1,000,000,000 years. , Night watch- men'are perhaps a little older. POSTSCRIPT: UP-TO-DATE COR- RECTIONS OF THE DARWINIAN light e THEORY. A STILL more cheerful thrown on the evolution contro- versy by the fact that modern biolo- gists do not entirely hold with the theory of Charles Darwin. I find on inquiry that they are prepared to amend his evolution doctrine in'a variety of points. It seems that Darwin laid too much lection and the survival of the fittest. The modern blolo:i t attaches no im- portance to elther of these. It seems also that Darwin overestimated very much the part played by hered- |ity.” He was, moreover, mistaken in his idea of the change of species. It is probable, too, that his notion of a | monkey s inadequate. It Is doubtful also whether Darwin ever actually sailed on the “Beagle.” He may have been in the “Phineas Q. Fletcher” of stress on what he called natural se- Duluth. Nor is it certain that his name was Darwin, (Copyright, 1998.) they won't be no shelter for mani- | cure girls and besides when people only has one finger they ain't going to pay no $.50 or §.75 for a manicure to say nothing about how is the gals golng to wileld their scissors and file and etc. With only one finger. Along with manicurists will go chiropodists because our ft. is going to have even less toes than our hands and they won't be no parking space for a corn let alone a bunion, * % * HESE is a few facts to be faced but they ain't by no means all Like for inst. What is to become of all the folks mow employed in comb and brush factories? And what will women talk about when they ain't got no hair? And who is going to provide for the boys that makes their bread and butter plaving a clarinet or a horn or a harp or & violin and ete. The only musical instruments a person can play with one finger is the piano and one finger piano music ain't libel to overcrowd the dance halls. How can Babe Ruth swing a bat or how can Vance pitch a curve | ball with one finger? And what Is the coatcher at first and third base going to holler when they can’t say “Be on your toes?” A person will get up in the morning and thank heavens that they don't half to shave or comb their halr but it will take them just as long to “THE TIME WILL COME WHEN MEN WONT HAVE NO HAIR OR NO TEETH, AND BIGGER SKULL AND BRAIN AND A LONGER FACE.” dress if not longer because it is some trick to button things up with one | finger and if you ain't got no ha | Why they’s 0 much more surface you | g0t to wash a specially when you have longer faces. Without no teeth you can’t hava nothing for breakfast except soup or a couple of high balls and by that time the high balls probably won't have much nourishment in them be- cause the professor at it is £0ing to be anywheres from 40,000 to 000 yrs. before these changes take place. After breakfast you go to whatever work a person can do with one finger and no toes. At lunch vou have some more soup or 1Scoteh, then back to work and a big {dinner at night consisting of soup 1and liquor. They will still be theaters {in the evening but people who pre- fers revues and gal shows will bo up against it for entertalnment as {nobody wants to open their mouth {and sing when they aln’t got no teeth {and Gilda Gray is the only dancer in {the world that can perform without using her hands or As T say Prof. Raymond don't ex- | pect all these evolutions and revolu- { tions for 40,000 or 75,000 yrs. and the | big majority of us won't hardly live that long 8o we should worry, but it | would be kind of interesting to look jon from the outside and se¥ how the |world rolls along under the new | conditions. Personally I haven't no idear what it would be like to have no fingers or toes, but from the start I have got it ain’t going to take me no 40,000 yrs. or nowheres near that long to appreciate what it means to live without teeth and hair. | TS Photographic Speed. WHEN Brig. Gen. William A. Mitch # el boarded a train at Dayton, | Ohio, for Washington he was photo- graphed from the air. Continuing in the air, the photographer printed the picture and dropped it off at Xenia in a message bag. The station agen presented the picture to Gen. Mitchell when his train passed through. Xenia is about 17 miles from Dayton. Tho photographer was about half w back to Dayton when he passed th train. i a SO Splinterless Glass. (CUOSELY rtsembling ordinary wines and suitable to take its place foy | many pu ses, a chemical substitute that is said not to splinter has been | produced in Gg#any. Because of this quality, it igrleing recopmended for panes of oure Gd & aptical in« HENEE Y