The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, April 1, 1906, Page 7

BY GEO MONTH before sall- I visited the g skyscraper which was to bear us away. It was hitch- ed to a dock in Ho- boken, and it re- minded me of a Bt Bernard dog tied by 2 silken thread. It was the biggest skiff an ob- the river and ding for the Oid on the morth ng coming in t of cold arboard or port which i stard. tell time by hip's bell If you t “starboard” In order to make I will say that the e of the boat. the “gee” side ck, but I for- nd in order I found myself to one of the offi- exposure. He said the way across the sunny went back with hern exposure all which the gested to me ving apartment RGE ADE ‘w=== think of the tremendous increase in reve- nues! 1 explained my scheme for a re- volving apartment-house to a gentleman from Saint Joe, Mo., whom I met in the smoking room, and he has agreed to give it financial backing. Our ship was the latest thing out. To say that it was about seven hundred feet long and mearly sixty feet beam and 42,- 000 tons displacement does mnot give graphic idea of its huge proportions. A New Yorker might understand if told at this ship, stood on end, would be ut as tall as two Flatiron buildings spliced end to end. Out in Indiana this comparison WAS un- evailing, as few of the residents have seen the Flatiron bullding, and only a small percentage of them have any desire to ses it. B0 when a Hoosler acquaint- ance asked me something about the ship I led him out into Main street and told him that it would reach from the railroad to the Presbyterian church. He looked down sireet at the depot and then he looked up street at the distant Presby- terian church, and then he looked at me and walked away. Every statement that I make in my native town is received with doubt. People have mistrusted me ever since I came home years ago and announced that I was working. Evidently he repeated what I had said, for in a few minutes another resident came up and casually asked me something about the ship and wanted to know how long she was. I repeated the Presbyterian church story. He merely remarked, “I thought “Bill' was lyin' to me,” and then went his way. It is hard to live down a carefully ac- quired reputation, and therefore the state- ment as to the length of the vessel was regarded as a specimen outburst of na- tive humor. When I went on to say that the boat would have on board three times as many people as there were in our wkole town, that she had seven decks, superimposed llke the layers of a jelly cake; that elevators carried passengers from one deck to another; that a daily newspaper was printed on board and that a brass band gave cohcerts every day, to say nothing of the telephone exchange and the free bureau of information, then all " doubt was .dispelled and my local standing as a dealer in morbid fiction was largely fortified. A FHZ-WAS SO CLEAN HE LOOKED AJ JF HE FAD BEER S CEVBDED WITH /OAP. 1l be set on gigan- volve slowly, so that t 11 have a southern in hours of the day, to the advantage of getting few minutes. It Is well ts with southerp ex- the boulevard When every southern ex- 1 thoroughfare, ERHAPS you have wondered what Clancy. On week- days you were impressed with the his uniform, as from glass e flicked dust with his er; but if you saw him on you must have found him mag- He stood at the entrance of the museum of Natural History and answered wave of his to the right or to the left, and was greatly admired as old Tip himself, even the plaster dinosaurus. Cagey was the night watchman. knew that a bird in the hand is two in the bush, and that is all that he had known of natural history be- fore coming to the museum. Especially did he marvel at the specimens of Alast the hall of ethnology, mafle e-sized by plaster, and attired in their tive costumes, some of them showy at k at typlcal acts of camp life. Baid Case “Sure, what's that lad ng with a old stonme for, ‘when & plane would do the job easler?” has become o “How about the skating rink?" asked the druggist. “There Is no skating rink. but there is a large gymnasium supplied with me- chanical horses and camels, 8o that a. passenger may take a long ride befors breakfast.” arry any vet'inary. surgeons?’* “No; but two doctors. Also there is a book store and a florist's shop.” It was gospel truth, every word of it, “Foolish and unenlightened man!” an- swered Clancy. “Them’s savage ways, and he’s doing like he done in his prim- original habitation. “But he's In New York now,” Casey argued. “'Tie time he’s wasting, when planes is to be had just up Columbus av.” And such questions he would ask as: “Sure, who's that stuffed lad with the billiard cue on his nose?” “"Tig the narwhale.” Casey was grateful for information, and asked the same questions over and over. But it was Clancy’s impressive figure that caused the mischief. There was to be a grand masked ball at Ballyloo Hall. Clancy was thinking of his figure and how to adorn it, when he paused before one of the Alaskan tribesmen. And an idea must have caught upon him, for he stood so long before the case full of spe- eimens, from the po'ar regions that he caught a bad cold in his head. It was the savage's suit of light fur that tempted him. If he could but wear this suit to the ball Delia- O'Gorman would be the A "IN PA/STU. Lewr o i OctAr WAl MODEEYN VARIATION 7 ONE WHS 7O HAEEF HI]ISELF TITIDECULATE AND TRE OTHERE WAS 70 GEOW A USHAPED JAVS/THACHE? = <~ but they .listened and trled to keep straight faces; then broke out and be- gan {0 laugh. Seeing thatI was set down as a hopeless liar, I went on and invented a bowling alley, a billiard hail and a ‘Wednesday night prayer meeting without further compromising myself. The chlef wonder of our new liner (for all of us had a proprietary interest the moment we came aboard) was the system of elevators. Just think of it! Elevators gliding up and gown between decks the same as in a modern office bullding. Very few passengers used the elevators, but it gave us something to talk about on board ship and it would give us something to blow about after we had returned home. Outside of the cage stood a young Ger- men with a blond pompadour and a jacket that came just below his shoulder blades. He was 50 clean he lookeu as if he had been scrubbed with soap and then rubbed with holystone. Every German menial on board seemed to have two gulding ambitions In life. One was to keep him- self immaculate and the other was to grow a U-shaped mustache, the same as the one worn by the Kaiser. The boy in charge of .the elevator would plead with people to get in and ride. Usually, unltss he waylald them, they proud girl to Be escorted on his furry arm. ‘““Casey,” said Clancy that evening, “'tis you. that i{s beholdin’ to me for much of your education. I'm not hold- ing it up to you, but it's meself has im- paited much learning to you; so now you know the difference between a con- dor and a buffalo in-three guesses; and it’s no more than right to expect a small favor in return from you.” 'Tis true for you!” answered Casey. “Me present intellectual advancement 1s due to your instructions and no one else. Call it by what name you want, and it's done, whatever it is!” “Then,” sald Clancy, “’twill be this evening I'll be by the east wall. Here is the key fer this case, and will you slip me out this vhattractive but re- splendent lad's togs?” “I will,” said Cascy. So, withiout difficulty, Casey disrobed the Alaskan, and, making the garment into a bundle, slipped 1t out to Clancy early in the evening. That Clancy's captivating figure in its unusual co: tume was most Successful and a prize Wwinner need not be dwelt upon, and long after midnight Clancy was again 4 would forget all about the new improve- ment and would run up and down stairs in the old fashioned manner instituted by Noah and imitated by Chnistopher Ce- lumbus. This boy leads a checkered career on each voyage. When he departs from New York he is the elevator boy. As the ves- sel approacues Plymouth, England, he be- comes the lift attendant. At Cherbourg he is transformed Into a garcon d'ascen- seur, and as the ship draws near Ham- burg he is the Aufzugsbehueter, which is an awful thing to call a mere child. Goodness only knows what will be the ultimate result of present competition among ocean- liners. As our boat was quite new and extravagantly up to date, perhaps some Information concerning it will be of interest, even to those old and hardened travelers who have been across 80 often that they no longer set down the run of the ship and have ceased sending pictorial post cards to their friends at home. In the first place, a telephone in every room, connected with a central station. The passenger never uses {t, because when he Is a thousand miles from shore there Is no one to be called up, and if he needs the steward he pushes a button. by the museum wall, returning his bun- dle, and who would be the wiser, as Casey again dresged the plaster savage. Clancy was a littlelate In reporting for duty the next morning. Still, twenty minutes or so did not seem to Justify the wrath with which the cura- tor confronted him. “Can you tell me what is the mean- ing of this?’ the' angry curator de- manded. i " “Sure, the Alaskan lad must 'a’ got civillzed over night!” he managed to blurt out, and then was quite overcome, for there at the door was an acquaint- ance of the night before crying: “Where's Clancy? Clancy, you took the wrong bundle in the dressing-room last nigh Come here and take your heathen and halry togs and give me back my dress suit the rent's running up on!” For tho Alaskan was wearing it like a soclety man! Very. imj ng he looked in the dress suit, which was as strange a garment as his native costume to the night watchman. This 18 why Clancy .Is ne<: sitting in the park, waliting for the snow to fall, S0 that he may earn something, FRANCISCO SUNDAY it is there—a real German telephone, shaped lke a broken pretzel, and any one who has a telephone In his room feels that he is getting something for his or three lessons any Ameri- a foreign telephone. All he which end to put to his springs | were electric hair man who wished olning cabin on the phone just to see if the thing would work, put the hair curler to his ear and began talking into the dynamo. There was no response, so he pushed a button and nearly ruined his left ear. It was a natural mistake. In Europe anything attached to a wall is lable to be a tele- phone. On the whole, I think our telephone sys- tem is superior to that of any foreign cities. Our telephone girls. have larger vocabularies, for one thing. In England the “hello” is never used. When an Eng- lishman gathers up the ponderous con- trivance and fits it against his head he asks: ‘“Are you there?” ,If the other man answers “No" that stops the whole conversation. * - Travelers throughout the world should rise up and unite in a vote of thanks to ‘whoever it was that abolished the upper berth in the newer boats. Mahomet's cof- fin suspended in mid air must have been a cheery and satisfactory bunk compared with the ordinary upper berth. Only a tralned athlete can. climb into one of them. The woodwork that you embrace and rub your legs against as you strug- gle upward is very cold. When you fall into the clammy sheets you are only at.ut six inches from the ceiling. In the early morning the sallors scrub the deck just overhead, and you feel as if you were getting a shampoo. The aerial sarco- phagus is buiit deep, like a trough, so that the prisoner cannot roll out during the night. It is narrow, and the man who is addicted to the habit of “spraddling” feels as if he were tied hand and foot. In nearly all of the staterooms of the new boat there were no upper berths, and the lower ones were wide and springy— they were almost beds, and 2 bed on board ship Is something that for years has beén reserved as the special luxury of the miljonaire. We reaily had on board the daily paper. the gymnasium, the florist, the bureau of Information, thé manicure parlor and other adjuncts of sea going that would have been regarded as fanciful dreams ten years ago. Next to the elevators the most novel feature of the nmew kind of liners is the a 'la carte restaurant. It was on the Kaiser deck. The topmost deck was called the “Kalser,” to indicate that he ranked next to the heavenly bodjes in general importance. The old names of ‘“upper deck,” ‘“promenade deck,” “main deck”™ and “lower deck™ cannot be applled to one of these new fangled monsters. Next below the Kaiser deck came the Washington deck, then the Roosevelt deck, then the Cleveland deck. then the -Franklin deck, and after that a lower deck and several more that 4did not concern the passengers living in the upper stories, The festaurant was forward on the Kaisér deck—a gorgeous pocket edition of Sherry’s or Deilmonico's in New York, the Carlton in London or the Ritz in Paris. Formerly on the North Atlantle, and especially during the winter season, the only persons who dressed for dinner were misguided Englishmen, who would rather take a chance on pneumonia than violate any of their national traditions. The new type of steamer is housed in and steam heated, and all the people who dined in the glittering restaurant far from the common horde of the main dm- ing saloon were attired to the limit. The usual Hungarian orchestra played hur- rah music, and what with the Swiss wait- < | HE WA TIET BY THE FEOFEIETOR., = < % ers and the candelabra, the fresh caviar and other luxuries of high living it was difficult for one to realize that he was riding on the high seas at the most In- clement season of the year. It was all very Fifth avenue—even to the check. On the steamer I met an old friend— Mr. Peasley of Iowa. We first collided in Efrope In 18%, when both of us were over for the first time and were groping our way about the Continent and pre- tending to enjoy ourselves. About the time 1 first encountered Mr. Peasley he had an experience which in all probability ‘is without pardllel in human history Some people to whom I have told the ly disbelleved It, but then ll‘!vdflnt know Mr. Peasley. It Is all very true, and It happened as follows: Mr, Peasley had been in Rotterdam for two days, and after galloping madly through churches, gallerfes and museums for eight hours a day, he said that he had seen enough Duteh art to last him a million years, at a very conservative es- timate, so he started for Brussels. He asked ‘the proprietor at the hotel at Rot- terdam for the name of a good hotel in Brussels and the proprietor told him to 80 to the Hotel Victoria. He sald it was a.first-class establishment and was run by his brother-in-law. Every hotel keeper in Europe has a brother-in-law. running a hotel in some other town. Mr. Peasley was loaded into the train ®y watchful attendants, and as thers were no Englishmen in the compartment he succeeded in getting a good seat right by the window and did not haveto ride backward. Very soon he becfme im- mersed In an American book.” He read on and on, chapter after chapfer. not hoeding the flight of time, until the train rolied into a cavernous train shed and was attacked by the usual energetic mod of porters and hotel runners. Mf" Peasley locked .out and saw that they had ar- rived at another large city. On the other side of the platform was a large and beautiful bus marked “Hotel Victoria." Mr. Peasley shrieked for a porter and began dumping Gladstone bags, steamer rugs, cameras and other impedimenta out through the window. The man ffom the Victorla put these on top of .the bus and in a few minutes Mr. Peasley was riding through the tidy thoroughfares and throwing mental bouquets at the street cleaning department. ‘When he arrived at the Victoria he was met by the proprietor, who wore-the frock coat and whiskers which are the univer- sal insignia of haspitality. “Your brother-in-law in Rotterdam told me to come here and put up with you,” explained Mr. Peasley. “He d you were running a first-class place, which means, I s'pose, first-class for this country. If you fellows over here would put in steam heat and bathrooms and electric lights and then give us something to eat in the bar- galn, your Hotels wouldn't be so bad. 1 admire the stationery In your writing rooms, and the regalia worn by your waiters is certainly all right, but that's about all 1 can say for you.” The proprietor smiled and bowed and said he hoped his brother.in-law in Rot- terdam was In good health and enjoying prosperity, and Mr. Peasley sald that he, persorally, had left with the brother-in- law enough money to run the hetel for amother six months. After Mr. Peasley had been conducted to his room he dug up his Baedeker and very carefully read the Introduction to Brussels. Then he studied the map for a lttle while. He bejleved In getting a good general idea of* the lay of things before he tackled a new town. He mark- ed on the map a few of the show places which seemed woith while, and then he sallied out, waving aside the smirking gu'de who attempted to fawn upon him a~ he paused at the main entrance. Mr. Peasley would have nothing to do with guldes. He always sald that the man who had to be led axound by the halter would do better to stay right at home. It wag a very busy.afterncon for Mr. Peasley. At first he had some difficulty in finding the places that were marked im red spots on the map. This was because he had been holding the map upside down. By turning the map .the other way «nd making due allowance for the inaceuracies to be expected in & book written by ignorant foreigners, the whole ground plan of the city straightened it- self out, and he boldly went his way. He visited an old cathedral and two art gal- leries, reading long and scholarly com- ments on the more celebrated maater- pleces. Some of the paintings were not properly labeled, but he knew that slip- shod methods prevalled in Europe-that a civilization which is on the downhill and about to play out cannot be expected to breed a businesslike accuracy. He wrote marginal corrections in his guide book and doctored up the map a little, several streets having been omitted, and returned to the hotel at dusk fzeling very well repaid. From the beginning of his tour he had maintained that when a man goes out and gets information or im- pressions of his own unaided efforts he gets something that will ablde with him and become a part of his intellectual and artistic fiber. That which is ladled into him by a verbose guide soon evaporates or cozes away. At the table d'hote Mr, Peasley had the good fortune to be seated next to am Englishman, to whom he addressed him- self. The Englishman was not very com~ municative, but Mr. Peasley persevered. It was his theory that when one i3 trav- eling and meets a fellow Caucasian who is shy or reticent or suspicious the thing to do is to Keep on talking to him until he feels quite at ease and the entente cordiale is fully established. So Mr. Peas- ley told the Englishman all about Iowa and said that it was “God's country.”™ The Englishman fully agreed with him— that is, if silence gives consent. There was a lull in the conversation and Mr. Peasley, seeking to give It a new turm, sald to his neighbor, “I like this town best of any I've seen. Is this your first visit to Brussels?” “I have never been to Brussels,” re- plied the Englishman. “That is, never until this time,” sug- gested Mr. Peasley. “T'm in the same boat. Just landed here today. I've heard of it before, on account of the carpet com- ing from here and of course everybody knows about Brussels sprouts, but I had no idea it was such a big place. It's big- ger than Rock Island and Davenport put together.” The Englishman began to move away, at the same time regarding the cheerful Peasley with solemn wonderment. Then he said: “My dear sir, I am quite unable to fol- low you. Where do you think you are? “Brussels—it's in Belgium—capital, same as Des Moines in Towa.” +““My good man, you are not in Bruasels. You are In Antwerp.” £ “Antwerp!” “Certainly. “Why, I've been all over ftown today. with a gulde book, and”— He paused and a horrible suspicion settled upon him, Arising from the table.he rushed to the outer office and confronted the manager. “What is the name of this town I'm in?* he demanded. “Antwerp,” replied thé astonished man- T Mr. Peasley leaned agalnst the wall and " he began, and brother-in-law in Rotterdam,” he sald, when he recovered his vaice. * “That is quite true.” “And the Victoria Hotel—is thers one in Brussels and another in Antwerp? ““There is a Victorta Hotel in every city in the whole world. The Vietorfa Hotel is universal—the same as Scotch whiaky. “And I am now in Antwarn?* “Most assuredly.” Mr. Peasley went to hia reom: He did not dare to. return to “ace the Englsh- man. Next day he procseded te Frussels and found that he could work frem the same guide beok just as suocesadylv as he had In Antwerp. ‘When I met him on the steamer he sald experience at Antwerp. As soon alights from a train he goes some one and asks the name of (Copyright, 1%6, by George