Evening Star Newspaper, March 14, 1926, Page 95

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. 0, MARCH 14, 1926—PART 5. " Picking Dumb Players, Alien Barriers and New Ideas for Business Land of the Shamrock: Its Village Green, Blackthorne Clubs and Irish Bull Farms BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Arrah Gawan, the great Irish general, said at the Battle of Oranges, which turned out to be grapefruit for one side or the other, well anyways, as he sald, “If you see a head, hit it, but remember, two heads are better thun onel™ And the truth of whatever tha' is supposed to mean certainly come over me strong the other day when our cook give me notice and not biscuits for lunch and I didn’t know really just what to do, as she was pretty near the last of her race and I certainly wished I had George, that’s my hus- band, there to put his head together with mine and figure out some ways to keep her. But for the moment & had me down, without a word to say. T mean down and pretty near out, too, on account I had my hat on all ready to go to a league meeting with Miss Demeanor, that bottle blonde, the one that's engaged to Dr. Salary, and the cook knew it and took advantage. She was wise to the fact I wouldn't ave mo time just then to answer her . so she spoke with considerable of this Irish freedom you used to hear so much about and which they have now got a great deal of, as I realized as soon as she opened her mouth. No, mam, I wouldn’t stay another week in this house, she savs, the way the electric lights is all the time zoing out, but I get no time out at all and as for the garbage man. he ain’t been here in three T been waiting to kill him when he does come. I hope nothing happened to the poor man since we seen him, but T can't go on all the time carrving out that trash and a-burning of it up. And. she says, the water from vour is hard enough to break my hing in it and my back is broke carrying up coal. I'm no ox to do work like that. I'm sick and tired of that bad kid of vours. he don't mind nobody. trapsing in dirt all the time and me wore out cleaning up after him. The place don't suit me at all, I'm leaving in the morning. But before I go I want you to know my people was kings in Ireland, they's better then the whole pack of ve: Well. naturally. this was an awful depressing thought, and it made me mad. as well. Here T had been just about Mary and now T was just in_the other sense, and as soon 2s ever Miss Demeanor come for me and T and her had started out to our things which T would of 1 sald to Mary. Of all the changeable peonle! 1 savs. vou can't count on them twn minutes. here T thought T had Mary all sewed up for the season and now she goes asking for a ticket of leava. T wisht T could think it was really a rain check she wanted! Well. says Miss Demeanor, servants is like the rest of life. here todav and gone to morrow. a person might just as well be philosophical about it as try and fight the inevitable. * ok ok % ELL, T didn’t know exactly what she meant by them big words. She is always using them long, medi- cal terms, on account of being en- gaged to a M. D. So T merely says yes dear. T believe vou're right and let her lead me to the meetinz. Miss Demeanor is simply wonderful about getting up meetings and organizing leagues. T bet she was the originator of the seven league boots, she is for. ever running from one to another. The month before this she had been awful busy forming a leagzue to get up a Rescue Home for Fallen Arches, but this month it was a league for the Return of the Snakes to Treland. Naturally, on the way to it I got to thinking about Ireland, and all it had done for the world. Of course T would, with St. Patrick's Day al- most here. the cook almost gone. and this meeting directly ahead. And the more I thought of the Emerald Isle the more I wished I could see it, especially since it got its freedom and become a reconstructed Emerald Isle. For a sample, I understand that in Ireland the dancing is so hing won derful. They say they do a dance over there called the Shilleh that's 2 o, “THEN I'D BE JUST CRAZY ABOUT JAUNTIN . | got the Charleston beat a mile. How I would love to see them out on the old village green. wearing the real na- tive pairs of heavy brogues and danc- ing the Shilleh. or the Shenanagan. and all them other native dances. 1 do love picturesque things like that, the nativer the better, and Irishmen wearing tails to their coats, clay pipes in the face, and dancing to the tune eet * or some tmple folk song. must be ex- I'll even bet the Ladies' / serve tea and shamrock shaped ~cookies for refreshments after. Then I'd be just crazy ahout jaunt- ing over the green hills. and etc., in one of them jaunting carts vou read about. I'd like to go all over the place and see the flelds and flelds of blackthorne clubs. which I take it from the ones I have seen pictured n the hands of Irish. cartoons, well trom what I imagine, them flelds must look a good deal like our as- paragus ones, only on a larger scale I'd want to see the peat mines, too, where they dig up all the peat they burn instend of coal, and as for the dairies nnd stock farms, they must be simply wonderful, on account the Irish bull is famous all over the world. Then there is other interesting live stock over there, by swhich I mean the Killkenny cats. I have heard of them animals all my life, but I dunno aid I actually ever see one, vet, and T admit I am not exactly certain if they are supposed to be of the fur bearinz variety. but if the latter Ts ‘he kind they are, I bet they are born with their fur standing on end. But it is by no means only the citles I wanner see, over there. There is the famous reservoir, Lake Killarney. What with the enormous no. of songs which has been written about that lake, T would certainly like to see it, let alone taste it to find out what's in it that makes 'em sing and write poetry once they have tasted the waters. x ok k% NOTICE where in Art and Litera- ture, the Artisans and Literary lights and livers will every onct in a while get bitten by some section of geography, and will sing, write and draw about it for quite a spell. But there s two spots on this terra cotta hat never goes out of style, and them is Lake Killarney and Dear Old Dixie Land. The famous rock-quarry at Blarney e NG CARTS.” is another place I certainly would land. We all have heard about the k. Blarney Stone, and how If a person kisses it, why from then on they can’t say nothing but pleasing, nice sweet things. And believe you me, if I was to go there | to the g ,'T would surely bring homie a couple scraps, one to George, | that’s my husband, and one to that | Mabel Bush, my best friend. And I would make them kiss those scraps in order that all other scraps between is should be ended from then on. But hefore I got them to do so, or even kissed the stone my own personal self, I would want to find out, first, does kissing the Blarney stone make a per- son mean the nice things they say, or ire they still entitled to their own thoughts? Well, anyways, by the time all these thoughts had gone through my head, I and Miss Demeanor had reached the doors of Holler Hall, where the League for the Return of Snakes, etc., was to strut ftself. Naturally Miss Demeanor had been talking steady all the way, but, lost in the big thoughts as per see above, I had merely sald dear?” onct in a while when ath run out. So naturally she was feeling very friendly towards me by the time that we arrove, and was even ‘elling me I was a very intelligent, understanding woman, and positively her dearest friend, and how she would not have told me all this only she knew I would never repeat a word of it. And she was right, I wouldn't. She was safe on account I hadn’t heard a word. We went on in the hall, then, and the meeting commenced. A feller got up and told all about how un- necessary it was to introduce the speaker of the day on account we already knew him so well. The in- trodpucer done this for one half of an hour. Then, just to make sure there could be no possible mistake, and also just in time to keep the speaker from throwing a fit, he actu- ally did introduce him. The speaker got up and made a talk to the effect that there was al- ready leagues for all kinds of things, and that as none of these leagues was meeting with overwhelming success, why it seemed a good time to start a movement of the snakes back to Ire- land, where they had been cruelly driven out by St. Patrick. The speaker didn’t exactly say that St. Patrick had done this because of any personal real estate holdings in OVER THE GREEN HILLS IN ONE OF THEM JAUNT- Ireland, but he kind of hinted as much. And what was even further, he let us understand that the saint had probably sent the snakes to Florida as part of the great anti- Florida propaganda that {s going on these days. But he pled with us to consider the feelings of the snakes themselves. He pretty near had me weeping over the wrongs of them poor animals, or insects or fishes, or whatever snakes are. He described their heartbreaks and their economic condition so sadly. L T seems lots was selling for such high prices in Florida the snakes could not longer afford to live on them, and was being chased off by the tourists, to wander around home- less without even a corner saloon or a psycopathic ward to shelter them. The liquor law enforcement was getting so strict down there that even the bootleggers had gone back on ‘em! He sure was one eloquent speaker, that boy, and in the end I contributed a half dollar to the fund when they passed the plate, or, at least, I thought I did until after, when I discovered it must of been a button I had twisted off my coat in my excitement. Well anyways, after this meeting I went on home, all set to tell Marv she was going home pretty soon, but be- fore 1 got the chance she showed her Irish blood, all right. The minute I come in she was right there in the hall and took my wet coat. Well Mary, when are you going? I says, and she give me the sweetest smile. Going? she says, why who said any & about going? Why I couldn’t leave vou, mam, all alone in this house with the lights going out all the ‘ime the way they do, and the garbage man never coming and vou having to carry out all the trach and burn it up, and the water here so hard it would kill vour poor hands to put them in it, and your poor back like to be broke, you'd never get on without ma at all! Ard T savs fine, Mary. hut what made you change your mind, why are vou gonner stay? And she «avs nobody could make me change me mind. leave them try once, that's all, I'm staving because my folks was Kings in Ireland once, and that's rea- son enough. And I says, well Mary dear, vour ‘olks may have been Kings in Ireland, hut like most of vour kind. since ou’ve moved over here you go them ane better—you're an Ace! ' (Covyricht. 1926.) Further Application of the Principles Set Down in Famous Book on Efficiency BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ¢ WENT home a little discouraged after the boss—who wanted the office to himself in the early morning—told me to quit get- ting down before he did. But I was still determined. After all, I thought, as my mind ran over the booklet giving the principles of sue- cess, I've only tried part of it. It's my @ppearance that's against me. I Jon’t look enough like a terrier. The book had advised that. So the next day 1 went and had my hatr shingled to the scalp and got shaved clear back to my ears. Igota tight suit that fitted to the skin and was as short in the leg as a prize dog’s jacket. 1 got a little hard hat with no rim to speak of at all—in short, T based my costume on a bill- board picture that I had seen that was called “Look your worth. Snappy clothes will raise your pa: When Mr. Grunch saw me next day he looked at me for a moment as if he were going to raise my salary on the £pot. 3 “Appearance, Mr. Grunch,” I said, *45 the dominating factor in modern business. What we see is what we ok at. lka closed my mouth incisively, to mean that I had nothing to add, and turned quickly to my work at my desk. To my surprise, however, nothing ned. h“"l‘:'e&ver mind,” T said to myself, “let as reach him through uplift. The man who would succeed today must be sat- urated with moral earnestness right to the skin.” So the next day T commenced sing- tng inspirational songs gently to my- self in the office as I sat at my desk. Each time my employer had occasion to come near me he could hear me very softly singing “There Is a Green Hill Far Away” or “Stand for the Right.” I was certain at the time that it impressed him. More than once he seemed about to say something. Each evening as I passed out of the office I Jet him hear me singing— “There’s a2 home for little children Above the bright blue sky- " Still, somehow, it didn*t work. Meantime, I had not been deficient in attention to my physique and the ‘welfare of my body as a factor in suc- cess. Diet was my first care. I cut sut my lunch entirely, with admirable results. Only those who have tried it know how clear one's head is for work after lunch when one has had no lunch. Delighted with the result, T cut out dinner. The effect was excellent. The | heavy, drowsy feeling that is apt to | disable one after dinner entirely van- ishes after not eating dinner. Overjoyed with this, I next cut ous my breakfast, and found that that heavy sensation of having eaten dis- appeared at once. Frequently I would look across at my employer from desk to desk and smile brightly at him to remind him that, after all, lite is only dark when it is not bright. 1 felt certain that the time was near- ing when the man’s power of resist- ance would break down and of sheer necessity he would raise my pay. I was following carefully all the direc- tions for raising salaries that are laid down in the best manuals on business, and I felt confident that in the end it must work. The item, however, which at last brought things to a head was my cor- respondence with our customers. In the list of instructions about how 4o succeed which I quoted above there | was one that I have omitted, which read as follows: “Success in modern business depends on and demands sympathy. Coldness repels. Warmth attracts. Heat is warmth. If you have correspondence to carry on, remember that a little touch of personal sympathy, some- thing of human feeling, is always in place. Let your correspondent know that he is dealing with a human being, that you take an interest in his wel- r fare. A kind word only takes a mo- ment to write. Kindness brings profit. Sympathy is money.” In our office, as' I said, we sold wholesale lumber on consignment and a lot of my routine work was corre- spondence in regard to incoming or- ders. It had always seemed to me dull routine work, but it occurred to me now with a new sense of elation that I could put into it exactly the human touch mentioned in the instructions. In fact, among my earliest efforts to- ward success I had begun trying to improve my correspondence. At last this bore fruit. Mr. Grunch called me to his desk one afternoon after the others had gone out. “Young man,” he said, “I want to ask the meaning of this.” He took from his desk a bundle of letters. I could see at once that they were the letters that I had been send- ing out which had evidently been sent back to him. “You wrote these, did you not?" he aske . “Yes, Mr. Grunch,” I saild. *“Corre- spondence is the touchstone of busi- ness efficiercy.” “It seems s0,” he sald. Here he be- gan unfolding the letters. “I notice,” he went on, “that you no longer sign for this firm_‘Yours truly’ or ‘Yours faithfully.’ You put ‘Yours for on- timism’ and ‘Yours for a hundred per cent Amcricanism’ and ‘Yours with a big hurrah “‘Yes, Mr. Grunch,” I answered. “That is the new element in modern business which marks it off from the old. Modern business {s warm. I got those forms out of a book, but the let- ters I made up myself. You will see the same element of warmth in all of them. “I do see it,” he sald. ‘“Here is a letter that you wrote in answer to an inquiry for 20,000 feet of dressed pine. I'll read it to you. “‘Dear 8irs: Your very human quest for 20,000 feet otrfireued pl;: has come to hand, and your sweet or. der shall be filled without delay. The lumber will go forward today and carry with it our best love and good wishes for a bright Winter.” ‘“‘Here is another one of the same sort about some hemlock. “‘My Dear, Dear Sir: When We opened your order for 10,000 feet of hemlock in the rough it seemed to bring with it all the odor of the for- est. Do you remember Evangeline? “This is the forest primeval, the mur- muring pine and the hemlock”? Well, that is the kind of hemlock that we will send you. As to the price—naw, now, we won't quarrel about that. What we aim at is service. Make the price anything you like. And be sure to let us know from time to time how you like the hemlock and all that you are doing and thinking—" “And this other one about some 'So you don’t like the cédar posts we sent you? Naughty man! Never mind, send them all back. They don’t suit for the work, you say? Then I shall just give each post a big slap. So there! " Mr, Grunch “Now, what in Hades does all thi mean?”’ he said. “Mr. Grunch,” I answered, “it means that a new element: has come into modern business—an element of magnetism, of personality, of dyna- mic power. The man who would suc- ceed today—"" “Cut it t right there,” said my employer, “and listen to me. For ten years you've been a faithful em- ploye of this company and a good worker. For a month past you are all wrong. You act like an accident and you sing in the office. What does it mean' “Efficiency,” I said. ‘Instead of writing ordinary letters you send out all this fool gtuff! ‘What's it for?” ““Magnetism,” T said; “service.” “What's the idea of it all?” laid down the letters. Moral Turpitude Furnishes Sub ject For Debate on American Home Records BY SAM HELLMAN. HAT'S all this moral turpitude _stu been reading about?” 1 asks “High Dome” Finne gan. “Moral turpitude,” explains that two-story thinker, “Is_the bunk that gets you a bunk at Ellis Island like it done for this Countess Catchcan.” “What's bunk about it?” I demands. “She ran away with another frill's meal ticket, didn't she?" “Yes,” returns “High Dome,” “but who's business fs that besides the two familles mixed up in it?" “Don't we have to protect the morals of our folks against them kinda skirts?” I asks. “Sure,” sneers Finnegan. the effect the sight of a divorced wom- an would have on the night club gangs, the gin-toting flappers and the nifty nudes of the New York stage. I shudders when I thinks of it.” “Just the same,” I remarks, “you gotta draw the iine somewhere on the kind of forefgners you're gonna let into the country.” “That’s true,” admits “High Dome.” “Nobody would like to see a swarm of gangmen and porchclimbers come over here from Iurope, but when they keep out a woman who's been divorced it's just a lot of silly hooey. Suppose England was to bar all New York divorcees! What'd happen “The steamship companies would go blooey,” says I, “but maybe they ain’t as afraid of thelr morals over there as we are."” hey’re not the hypocrites we are,” snaps Finnegan. “That's the answer. Besides, they're probably too busy over there keeping down murders and robberles to butt into people’s personal affairs. We don't care how many murders we have in this country as long as we can keep long kisses off the movie screens We've just gone plain cuckoo.” ‘I agrees with you” I returns, “‘that we pavs too much attention to folks® private business, but, after all, vou gotta admit that the idea ir wood.” (14 Imagine WHAT 00es MORAL TURPITUDE MEAN 77 ° “How do asks “High Domi “Well,” says I. “it ain't gonna hurt the morals of Broadway none to let her in, but the Government is think ing about the young boys and girl that might. 5 “Forget it.” cuts in Finnegan. “As it is, every chick in the United State: has been getting up early to read the latest dope on the Catchcan baby. Anyway, things are come to a swell pass when a_politician in New York is going to define what moral turpi- tude is.” you mean—good?"” JusT A MINUTE JuNioR ! I'M LOOKING IT “What is it, exactly?" T inquires. “I don't know and nobody eise does,” returns “High Dome.” “It va- ries with different times and in dif- ferent pla When I was a boy wearing silk stockings was moral tur pltude in Arkansas and smoking cig- arettes was moral turpitude in Kan sas."" “That’s got nothing to do with peo- ple from other countr; 2 “Views have s Finnegan. “Twen elcomed anybody from his to them, too,” ty ye: 0 we that w running away country for political reasons. Now it's different.” etting back to moral turpitude,” T comes back, “the Government must have had some fdea what it was when they put it into a lav-.” “I rmagine,” answers Finnegan, “that the original idea was to k out yeggmen, coke peddlers and other 2rooks that would just help fatten the “riminal element here, but getting a divorce is not a crime. We're ju getting to be a bunch of hypocrite “Where does the hypocrisy come tn?" T asks. “To the outside world,” returns “High Dome,” “we act smug and pure, and inside we're no better than the rest of the countries, maybe a lit- tle rottener in some things. Just think of & nation that has a record for more divorces than an other country, barring somebody be they've been divorced, and 90 per of them divorced for the same reason that the countess was! “Having divorced persons of our own,” I suggests, “might be a good reason for not wanting any more." “That,” growls Finnegan sensible as barring near-sig because we t enough nea folks here already. That's the whole trouble—we're turning personal likes and dislikes into law. A guy doesn't like cigarettes. He goes out and thousand other folks that don't iike cigarettes. The first thing you know a flood of propaganda is started, a flock of Congressmen are cowed, and you've got a law against them.” “How can a handful of folks put over a law that the majority don't vant? T asks. “Easy,” returns Finnegan. “An or d " minority with some dough can smash through a law before the majority knows what's happened to R ¢ the time the majority or- itself it's too late, don't you move out of the country if you don't like 12 I grunts “I don't move out of house because the roof leaks, feller,” comes back Finnegan. “I do my best to plug up the hole (Cobyright. 1926.) Humorist Finds Ball Players in Florida Have Original Ideas About Fans at Home BY RING LARDNER. O the Editor: With these few more incidence of my recent sofourn in sunny Florida I will try and lay off the sub- ject for the year 1926. One day I was driving towards Belleair trom Largo, where the little woman and another Kleptomaniac had insisted on entering somebody's orchard and helping himself to a dozen grapefruit, when suddenly a other car come up alongside of the one I had borrowed and the driver say 'Pull up to the curb. You are under arrest.”” Well, in lest than a flash I made up my mind that if worst come to even worse I would rxonerate the ladies heavens bless them and shoulder all the blame my- self, though if I was to go into the “HE GIVE ME THE BIGGEST THRILL OF THE TRIP BY CALL- ING ME BY NAME THE FIRST TIME I SET DOWN TO EAT.” “CHAPMA| THIRD BASE W. REVERSE AND ) DECIDED THAT THE TRAFFIC CONDITIONS AROUND GETTING IMPOSSIBLE, SO HE PUT HER IN DE FOR SECOND: burglary business the last thing in the world I would plagiarize is a grapefruit which in my estimation of men and events classes just south of mah jongg and spinal meningitis. However, I took another look at the driver and whom should it be but Jack Fournler the Brooklyn first baseman and his teammates Miiton Stock and Ivy Olsen, or at lease Ivy use to be his teammate before the refugees from the zoo that attends ball games in Brooklyn booed him Into the real estate business. We all drove up to the hotel and after I had got rid of the ladles with a gesture the 4 of us set down in the grill and disgusted halcyon days in the pas- time. Ivy recounted the incidence of when he was a member of the Cleveland club and singled into a triple play. Doc Johnston was on third base and Ray Chapman on sec- ond with nobody out. The Athletics infleld was playing in, and Doc was told to not try and score on an thing that did not go through. Ivy hit a bad bounding ball between third and short. Jack Barry just managed to touch it and the ball shot off acrost the foul line and pretty near to the bleachers. Chapman run down to third, where he found Doc stand- ing about 10 ft. off same studying a Lackawanna_time table. The Philadelphia left flelder finely retrieved the agate and shot it to Schang, who loped up the third base ‘ine toward Doc. Doc recognized him and started back to third, where he would be close to & teammate. But they caught him in a runup and tagged him out. Chapman decided while this was going on that traffic conditions around third base was get- ting Impossible, so he put her in re- verse and made for second. ‘Whom should now be occupying that bag but Mr. Olsen the maker of the fatal base hit. Collins took a throw from Baker and tagged out Olsen as he and Chapman was engaged in litiga- tion over the ownership of what I have nicknamed the keystone sack. Chappie now realized that one base was just as crowded as another and third was nearer home than second, so he headed again for third, but be. fore he got there was surrounded by the Shibes, Connie Mack and the list of Philadelphia plavers lh(*Tr;:*Vt world gerious. “The papers called me the 3 bell of that little part b sadly. “and one time o (he was referring to Chicazo) I pulled Vean Gregs out of a terrible hole by working the hidden ball trick on Felix Choutnard, and the papers said one bonehead had been outhoned by another. Eut of all the towns I ever plaved in Brooklyn is the bedbug's sleeping Hit a home run and win the game for Brooklyn and the police half to help you around the bases because 6 or 7 hundred fans had made up a $3.50 pool that you would pop out.” It will be recalled that Jack Four- nier told the public prints what he thought of the PBrooklvn crowd While he was hitting .350 and had drove in 130 runs. the home buss fumped on him like he was a public plaverounds, and Jack said he would never again perform hefore such a gang of babboons. Jack was coaxed to reconsider, and when he showed up on the fleld next dav his former hooers was re ned with difficulty from kissing him. I need not state that Jack and Stocky is now a tors, as what ball plavers ain't? Bernife Cummins’ Orchestra pla in the Belleair grill every night till 12, and if you ain’t been trampled to death by that time vou can get them to play a hr. longer by handing them $50.00. Well, one night they played 2 s. for a $100.00, and was all wore out and wouldn't play no more at any price, but they was still § or 9 couple that could breathe and Geo. Downs give me $50.00 to put in a hr. at the piano. In lest than 10 minut 1 was the only one left in the grill, but the next night I played the $50.00 on the 2d. 12 numbers and it come up double O. before I started North we t to New Port Richey, ght be described as Great Neck II, as pretty near evervbody from our town has boughten himself a piece of land there. Amon is Reggie Sims, Sam Harr Truex. Earl and Chris Benham, car Shaw, Geo. Holland, Raymond Hitchcock and Zabelle Hitcheock. Tt is a pretty spot, and we was the ben- eficiaries of a picnic lunch, which was the best meal I had in Florida. That ain’t plastering it with no gold medals, but it really was a grand meal. The dinning car conductor on the trip back to New York, one A. J. Williams, give me the biggest thrill of the trip by calling me by name the first time I set down to eat. But when I admitted who I was he said: ble for de nd Ivy “I knew I was right. I recognized you from the Jack Keefe cartoons. Neighbor Who Never Returns Anything May Be Identified, Says Perfect Fool BY ED WYNN. EAR MR. WYNN: I am about to take lessons in roller skating. My instructor told me to buy three skates. Why should I buy three skates when I have only two feet? Yours truly, JIM NASIUM. Answer: As you are just learning, the! professor figures you will not al- ways be on your feet. - Dear Mr. Wynn: Kindly advise in detail what is meant by a diplomat? Yours truly, CON. GRESSMAN. Answer: A “diplomat” is a man who always remembers his wife's is [succeed. I did it to get an increase of salary. “Oh, is that it?" he answered. “Then why didn’t you come and say 80? Now, listen to me, young man. You've been reading some fool litera- ture on modern business and it has turned you into a nut. But this firm will overlook it in view of the ten years of decent work that went be- fore it. I was going to ralse your salary and I'll do it. But meaftime you can take a month off and go up to the woods.” v At the time of writing I am in the Maine woods listening to the squir- rels. My month is just coming to an end, and I am to go back tomorrow and start to draw my increased salary. But I am still wondering whether T got that increase of salary because “Mr. Grunch,” I answered, “by |1 acted like a nut or in spite of ft., such means alone can a man hope to (Copyright, 1926.) i l l birthday and at the same time for- gets her age. Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 just received a letter from my nephew, who lives in England. He writes me that his wife is suffering with “water on the brain.” Can you tell me what that means. Sincerely, 0. C. DERMOP. Answer: When a woman has “wa- ter on the brain,” it simply means she has a notion (an ocean) in her head. Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 have read a great deal about vaccination. Some folks say it will always save a per- son's life, while_ others say just the opposite. 1 think it will save life, don’t you? Sincerely, C. RUM. Answer: I can't see how they can guarantee it will always save life. DIC MAEKAY For instance, I know a boy 8 years old who got vaccinated and 4 days later he was run over by an automo- bile and killed. Dear Mr. Wynn: I live in a board- ing house. I pay $20.00 a week but the food they serve is not fit for a pig to eat. What shall 1 do? Yours_truly, 1. BETTY KNOWS. If the food is really not fit just sleep there and get your meals some other place. 1 have been mar- ried little over a year. My mother is coming to live with us. My hus- band says the only way he will let his mother-in-law live with us is for us to buy a folding bed for her to sleep in. Can you tell me why he insists on a folding bed? Yours truly, 1. M. FRANTIC. Answer: He figures if his mother- inlaw sleeps in a folding bed he will be able to shut her up whenever he wants to. Dear Mr. Wynn: Dear Mr. Wynn: I just moved into a new neighborhood. This morning T passed one of my new neighbors and bowed to her but she did not return What would you do in a case like that? Yours truly, SHEEZA KATT. Answer: That should be a warning to you. She mav be the kind of a neighbor who never returns anything. THE PERFECT FOOL. (Conyright. 1926.) Ed Wynn, as he has often told you, is of the wisest men in the world — He @i—he knows all. Do you think you ftump him with any kind o 1'Vou do. rend it to him in ea editor of this paver and