Evening Star Newspaper, September 13, 1925, Page 91

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, It Turned Out That George Was Right; He Was Only One There in a Dress Suit! BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. | S _Ponce de Leon, the original| Florida real estite man, once wrote home to the Queen of Spain, “‘Clothes really do make | the man, especially evening | dress clothes—they make him mad.” | And more than likely Ponce knew He probably didn't mind loafing around during business hours in a nice, comfortable sack suit of chain armour, but when it come to putting on the old plumes, the extra rivets. | the iron collar and whatever else went with ancient dinner clothes in them | old times, I'll bet he Kkick like a steer, or a mule, or any modern hus. band. And men has always been the same 1 guess. Why lookit Sir Walter Ralelgh. History don't say exactly what kind of a coat it was that Sir ‘Walt laid over the mud puddle for | Queen Elizabeth to walk on, blit Hot | Bozo, he done it so eager that I'll bet a half a dime it was his tuxedo, and that he caught Merry Christmas from his wife, after! And just to show how times ain’t changed as much as the old folks claim, lemme tell you where George, that's my husband, come home last night. and sweet cookie if he didn't put up the same old kick Say Geo. I says the minute he had sed the welcome on the door mat—two unpaid bills and a notice from the bank ¢ Geo. I says, do | 1 realize where it is pretty ne: # o'elock and we are having din er A D[h!E IT WAS HIS TUXEDO.” #t the Freddie Freenashes at seven | ge— thirty and we got to get all the way == over there? | - = And Geo. says Oh My Cow, is this ks TLL BET HALF the nigh And 1 it certainly | I i=. And Geo. says gosh darn it (Or | Stalrs and he says hey Jennie, where lvet, don't you realize we're gonner do you suppose that darn young one | 3t he savs. here I went and made a |iS. he must think we got all night!| date to play a little penny ante with And I s he'll be back any minute, the boys, we was gonner have a real | 2nd George says any minute won't wession over to Joe Bushes house, on | 40, this minute is the correct one. &ccount tomorrow is nday and we But finally Junior did come back, Siow't hafto work, hie s ’ and T picked out the shirt and sent ! words to a different effect) gosh darn Well. we made this date first, T|it upstairs. and in a few minutes Geo. | says, hurry up now, get ready! And|Come to the head of same. Hey Jen-| so’ of course Geo. then zed | nle he where and the heck is| there was no escape from the a| my other good collar, he says, I can’t entertainment before us. find it no place. So I went on up, Well but Jennie he says, T don't|and there was the collar, right in the | haf to dress to go out there! he says.| collar-box where he hadn't looked. ARAN L You certainly do, vou So I putin Geo.s links, played bird- don't think I'm gonner go with you |908 to his back collar-button, and in them commuting overalls, do you?| helped him to tie up his noodle of a And he says aw Jennie, don't be|necktie so's it looked like a butterfiv Toolish, if I get into them dinner|instead of a dead eel, while explaining clothes I'll bet you 10 bargain-binders | t0 him that if he wore them high- T'll be the only one dressed, 1'll feel hat clothes a little more often he like a fool, he s: Well, I says, just | Would learn to be comfortable in them. | because Freddy Freenash may not| And Geo. says yeh, he expected Xnow enough to dress for dinner is no | Prisoners got used to a ball & chaln | sign you need appear without culture,| on the leg. after a while. And then e { I found his silk socks, and got him And Geo. says hang the culture, all | the vaseline for his patent leather 1 ‘want to appear without is them |Shoes, and we come down to the outer damm walter's punishments, he says, | outfit, and good land o'goshen, it What's the sense asking a man to|looked like it had been slept in. put on a straightjacket this kinda| Well, says Geo. that's a nice way veather? And I says you will look | you look over my clothes, herei I like a gent this P.M. on account of |come to go out and my sult ain't me, now' go right on upstalrs and|even pressed! And I says don't blame climb into the moonlight scenery. | me, dear, blame the Rotary Club, you 40 i | know you wore it there last. and what | | with all the speeches made at their | ‘WELL with & few temarks under| .1 phanquet, maybe you did sleep | his breath, but not too far under | in it for me to hear, Geo. went on up to| Mpb 0 1o e T pressed change while T £ot Junior's SuDDer |y D st time weih rem” ora And then pretty S00N | reggses on the side of the leg right by the silk braid, you didn’t seem to on the table. he come to the head of the stairs. &'ver think I| Hey Jennle, he ““‘-‘l'" otk e | appreciate my pressing, don't you re- need to ehave? Ay face mint so|iiliorCncteYou toid me never to bad, is it. whatter you thin nd T | ouch that suit again, you would at- says don't tempt me to tell YOU—EO |ieng to it your own self in future? e e o i aundy o ; Aud Gearse ssys future s correct, hear him splashing around and then |I can’t dress this evening after all, T Niagarm ‘atopped roaring in the | the Freenashes will haf to take me as Yathroom, and Geo. come to the |l am. And I says nothing doing, Tead of the stairs and he says hey | climb into the soup and fish this very Jennie, he says, where's my dress|minute, and we will stop into one of Shirt? he sa: And T says oh my |the “Press Pants While You Walt Jand, T guess it's in the laundry. And | Places on our way to the party, now Geo. says well then, I guess I can't |do as I tell you and hurry. dress. And I says oh ves vou can, I * ok ok % will send Junlor right over to the 2 4 - tew ELL, 1 seen them clothes safely e e onto Geo. and then I made him minutes. 8 essary | g0 sit down in the parlor while T got {\xEZS Iarfl“tof’d‘";:fi; ;}:‘: 1t Chariia | dressed. I hadda hurry like anything, Ties gavs mabes, vou say positively,|so it didn’t take me over forty min- and you hurry right back with the |utes, and about every five seconds package, see? So Junior saw, and |Geo. would come to the foot of the P “waited and waited, and pretty |stairs and holler for the luvva tripe soon Geo. come to the top of the | what's keeping you, ain’t you ready | tenl | tailor's shop, and lucklly he was still me put on these darn fool trick clothes, I dunno what in the name of fried {ham you ever accepted this fool in | vitation for in the first plact, an. | ways! And other husbandly conve! sation along the same lines. But after a while we actually did | get to Poochem Place where the Free | nashes live, and turn in between the Art-gate-posts, and as we come up to the Freenash's house we seen where it was dark, all but for one light way in the back of it. Well there! says Geo. I told you so. T bet they're through, and sitting be late. And etc. But I was about ready by the time he put in his last call, on account all I hadder do was let in Annle Gooch her to be sure and answer the ‘phone and take down any messages and keep Jr. from getting uncovered, and let the cat out, and shake down the kitchen fire around 10 o'clock. And then I was all set, and so would Geo. of been only we couldn't find the key to the flivver and spent considerable time and temper looking ! all around the house for it, while Geo. kept saying that’s funny, & can’t{on the porch. And I says well don't imagine where it is, meaning it|blame me, if you was to attend to wasn't funny, it was maddening. Then [ your own clothes, this wouldn't of at last we found it. That is to say Geo. remembered he had left it in the car. So we started out and be fore very long we come to Pete the happened. And about then we parked at the Freenash's curb, and they wasn’t sitting on the porch Nobody was except the evening paper. , That's funny, says Geo. this s the open I 3 right house, ain't {t? And 1 says I Well anyways, I set down on a nice | guegq it §s,' why it must be, it sayve hard kitchen chair, and Geo. went | Sqpe® g i SO0 T SN qonte i, into a little telephone booth sort of | py'uraPyin. G0 N M &0t was affair and took off his sult and gIVe | called The Maples. So Geo. says, it to the tailor, and the tailor took the [ Yan""11'g the Maples all right, and suit and took also his own sweet time. | gt pe S i the bell. He pressed and steamed and steamed |~ 0 '8 THOE D€ sy ‘hile | L so again, and pressed, and every little while| fter & e 5 Geo. would put his melting collar out |and after another while we could hear : = 2 - | footsteps and a dim light come on in Sy oy h‘,’(" .f"‘l"?‘:le ;‘,f‘_'l’pprjv',le" the hall. Then there was a sound liké b b PPY: | somebody breaking jaill—chains & MA:&}:refl:fl:rz:fimd ;z;ylfi;h.pner;g 1«’..-;(; and whu{; not, a‘:\d p;r}:y :‘nng b1 3 S| | the door opened a crack, an e hire laws known to turtles But After & il put out a head in curlpapers. while the suit was done to a turn. 3 S e h®wo hadder do was leave it | IS Mrs and Mr. Freenash home? I cool off, and then Geo. put it on and | 5a¥s and the girl says no, And Geo 1 Commenced feellng through his pock- | 34V% (hats funmv, wasrit ey oo ets, a icy look of alarm coming over | | says no, they ordered fish, but his face more and more as he don so. o Bia 1L S b xOTS o) Elciank: T they | TWell well, he says with a forced | Nave 7 a the week end. And then she laugh, I seem to of left all my money o in gmy other clothes, will it be an' el it \i_'rh Jules. Ar)\d Geo. I pay you tomorrow _ And | ddmitted it. ell, says curlpaper ESHEHE L Ry they are expecting you to dinner, the tailor says no it won't be, T dunno | you, see? You pay me now or you don’t go out this shop. And I says DAL Dge: into the car again, even though I And the tailor says nonsense i8 Just| nturally braced myself for the what T don't want, you pay or I'll | storm of wrath 1 figured Geo. would call the cops. So I says very well,|open on me. But not at all. Quite | ou_stay here Geo. dear with this | {)"(he contrary he give a chuckl vulgar person while I go back and| "That's one on us, Jennie, he sa; get some coin. So Geo. stayed and | coma on let's get a sandwich some T went back and kissed Junior again | place. And then thank Heaven I can but it's day after tomorrow night. Well, it was a relief to have her shut the door and for we to get back and told Annie Gooch she'd better | get out of this plush harness and o empty the pan under the ice box, and | over and join the boys. I told you then I found Geo.’s pocketbook and |1 be the only one in a dress suit went back and bailed Geo. out. ovor hers tonlaht, and by beck, T we got to step on her, I am half | g Starved, it's all your fault, making |“ And for once I left him have the Well, by this ®ime the both of | jagt word i (Copyright. 1925.) us was pretty hungry and Geo. says Advance Dope on Great Flight to Pole Shows Courageous Spirit of Prof. Hare BY RING LARDNER. 1 © the editor: The failure of the recent Amundsen dash to the pole, instead of puting a quietus on similar attempts by other explorer: seems to | of give the ski jumper's rivals a| Tew least of life and wl ready sev- | eral new proposed expeditions of the | same sort is being disgust in arctic circles. Last wk. the writer had the pleasure of a long talk with Prof. the noted Belgium adventure. ‘as named after Vs lip. Prof. Hare has as yet I to reach | the polar regions but says he will | keep on trying till his money s all | gone. This i the spirit that made | }.d Bradley. Prof. Hare Is not without a sense | of humor and when asked if he had | Amundsen. Admiral Pe and ' Doc Caok, replied with a twi | No. The closest I ever came to a | Lo \vnopzssr'j | “THE FIRST TIME I ATTEMPTED R “But_as I . continued Prof. | TP PERGRATTE Hare, “the only way to learn is by | *THE CLOSEST I EVER CAME TO | axporience, ne first. time 1 at. | A POLE WAS THE NIGHT T |tempted the tip was on a_bicvele | SHOOK HANDS WITH ZBY- and I had only got as far as Yonkers | when I discovered that the tool box | had fallen off and there was nothing | to do but turn around and come back. | On the second expedition we had just | passed through Poughkeepsie when it begun to rain.” The professor smiled reminiscently. “This time you can bet your life T will take an um- brella,” he finished boyishly. “What is your vehicle going to be? T inquired. “T haven't decided, Yole was the night T shook hands with Stanislaus Zbyszko. I laughed and Miss Gruber, the pro- or's secretary, coughed dryly. s I see it,” continued Prof. Hare, “Amundsen and his companions went at it wrong. You can't expect suc- cess in a trip like that unless yvour preparations is perfect. In the first place, what was their idear in start- was thé pro- “It lays between a | dressed his secretary, “show the re- porter the list of what we are taking. “Here it is,” said Miss Gruber dryly, and handed me a sheet of paper. 1 glanced over the list. It was as follow 1 breast of guina hen 1 round steak. 1 consomme, hot or cold. | 1 can sardin 2 cans caviar. boxes animal crackers. dozen doughnuts. | 1 thermos bottle cold water, 1 thermos bottle hot water. | 1 thermos bottle iced tea. | “Well,” I remarked, “it looks like | wouldn't starve or die of thirs No,” said Prof. Hare, “and we won't freeze to di neither. Miss Gruber is taking a hot water bottle and two hot bricks and T am carrying an ice pick. To | say nothing of this," and he put his hand in his hip pocicet with a_wink | nd drew out a 1z pt. bottle of 1925 Scotch still énore than a 1 full you “Lucky doj my comment Not luck * said Prof. Hare. | ust good judgment and prepared. ness. s for hand baggage, we will have one little traveling bag apiece. | | The rest of the stuff we will wear at the pole like evening clothes and ete., | | we are sending it on ahead in our trunk E A Red Pepper Use. D PEPPER that makes sneeze has found a respectable and worthy use in the world, sa 'opular Science Monthiy. It can save | human life. Capt. Frank B. Gorin, | secretary of the Chemical Warfare Association, recently disclosed this discover: A v red pepper. you ile oil is derived from the This can be mixed with the = illuminating gas that flows through your gas mains. Then if the flame should blow out, and gas escape into a room, any one breathing | it is seized with ‘such violent cough- | ing and burning of ;'he cyerltmt}hat he B . K .| has to run from the gasladen nt- asked, “Are they better'than Amund-| i) e " "Thus accldental asphyxi: “Say!" exclaimed Prof. Hare. “Our |atlon is prevented. preparations will make his ones look like he was just going out on the porch. To begin with in place of de- pending on the Blue Book and the Lincoln Highway signs to help find the way, I am taking not only a com- pass but also a weather vane. They say that a compass will break all to pieces the minute you reach the pole and that is how you know you are there, but I have seen compasses YCLE.” THE TRIP WAS ON A'BIC York on a special train and go as far as it will take us. After that 1 suppose we will taxi.’ g ““How about your preparations?” I Celluloid Hippopotamus. | A CELLULOID hippopotamus is the latest thing in museum art, according to Popular Science Monthly. Heretofore the hippo has defled the skill of taxidermists because it could not be reproduced with convincing realism. But now L. L. Walters of the Field Museum of Natural History | be a king or an emperor. h or roast to death |} | side. ing from §pitzbergen? Old New York and the old U. S. A. is good enough for me and 1 would tell all foreigners that don’t like us to go back where they came from. In the msecond place, why did they elect to travel by airplane, knowing that it 18 next to impossible to take off from fessor’s reply. toy balloon and a scull. There is a sculler friend of mine in Brooklyn who promised to lend me his skull.” “You would better borrow a skull with some brains in it,” said Miss Gruber dryly. “Jokin, o both sides Prof. Hare wenl on, “We are gullg Lo leave New break by just falllng on the floor, whereas if you take a weather vane with a N. 8., W. and E. on it, why all as you have to do is follow which way the N points till it points straight down, which means as far as we go."” “Are you well supplied with food and drink?" was my next query. “Miss Gruber,” thg professor ad- at Chicago has discovered a method of using cellulold to produce trans- lucent color effects that are said to have almost the semblance of llving flesh and blood. Using this methed he is constructing a remarkably life- like reproduction of a hippo, in which 'hfi lre?]l hairs are imbedded in the celluloid. D. C, SEPTEMBER 13, Eusy Men, Clothes, Polar Flights and Study of Food for Fishes 1925—PART 5. Ed Wynn, the Perfect Fool, Will Answer All Kinds of Troublesome Questions BY ED WYNN. “The Perfect Fool.” HE other day at a meeting In in Town Hall held by the “Radio Announcers’ Assocla- tion for the Prevention of Adenoids” a discussion arose regarding education. One man said: “My son is s orant he thought an ‘aspirin tablet’ was a book to write in.” Another man said: “My brother is so dumb he thought Lansing, Michigan, was an opera- tion.” At this perlod of the meeting the secretary of the association arose (it seems the secretary had both his tonsils removed when he was 24 vears of age; in fact, it was that thing that made him the secre- yway, as I said before, the secretary arose and in a loud voice made the following motion: “Whereas we ‘The Radio An- nouncers’ Agsociation for the Pre- vention of Adenoids’ are here as- sembled, and, therefore, whereas it is up to us to learn our own names 50 we can broadcast them instead of just our initlals, and besides, where- as telegrams and letters have been sent to the American Telegraph and Telephone Co. sald letters being complaints against us announcers, some of the complaints going so far as to say that they (the listeners- in) do not know whether or not we (the announcers) are annoyed or adenoid., therefore, be f{t resolved that: “What this country needs is knowledge. The president of the association then arose and said “Gentlemen, you have heard the motion. All those in favor_say all those mot in favor say ‘No.'” Of course, all radfo an- nouncers are very conceited, so they all yelled “I" and the motion carried. A press association being pres- ent at the meeting, hearing this, be- came alarmed about the future of the country, and searched for some one man who could act as the “Na- tion's Adviser.” They picked me. Why? Tl tell you. I know all, I see all. There is no problem I can’t solve nor any question I can’t answer. I and 1 alone know everything. If you can’t find it in the encyclopedia or the dictionary, ask me. Il tell vou what you want to know. For vears 1 have kept my knowl- edge to myself, but realizing what it means to the Nation at large. I have consented to impart all I know to any one seeking my advice or knowl- edge. Ask me anything. For instance: For nearly 2,000 vears people have asked: “Where was Moses when the light went out?” No one has been able to answer that question. It is because I and 1 alone know where he was. Some day I'll tell you. Here is another question: “But- ton, button, who's got the button?” I know who's got i{t. Not only know who's got it, but I also know the kind of a button it is and when, where and why it was lost. I know everything. I am here to tell vou what you want to know. Do you know {if it is proper to use a quill or just a plain wooden toothpick ? Do you know, when out for a stroll, if it is proper to walk on the inside or on the outside of a lady? Do vou want to know anything about “Bridge?” (Brooklyn or Auc- tion.) Do you want to know when the Dead Sea died? Do you know that a female “moth” is _called a “myth”? Do you know where your lap goes when you stand up? Do you know the name of the gen- eral who is buried in Grant's Tomb? If you don’t know, ask me. Just to show how badly this coun- try needs me to put it on the right track, here is a sample letter of|gets its war debts refunded “piece- things people want to know ‘Mr. Wynn, The Perfect Fool, “Dear Sir: Since the World War there has been a lot of talk about the ‘Peace Treaty. Would you, who knows all, tell me what was meant by the ‘Peace Treaty? “Yours truly, “AD. DITTION.” Answer — The ‘“Peace means that France was “treated” a “plece” of Germany: Russia wz “treated” to a Turkey Italy was “treated” "piece” of Treaty” to to Austria; and that the United States | | vou please t | | meal”! Just received this letter: “Dear Mr. Wynn: My father, giv- ing me some advice, sald the “big fish eat the little fish! When T asked him what the little fish ate, he said ‘sardines. If this is true, will 11 me how the little fish get the cans open? “Sincerely, D. VISION.' Answer next wes WYNN 'he Perfect (Copyright. 192 Fool. Why Is It That the World’s Great Men Decide They Must Be Busy All the Time? BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. HIS is the time of vear when evervbody is getting back to work. The schools are open- ing again and the children are beginning to study. The busi- ness man has had his vacation and put in his 10 days in the Maine wilderness at Upagainstit. The young lady stenog- rapher who won the prize trip to “urope on a vote of the whole of her home town is back from Vienna. And pretty soon the higher colleges will open and the students will be working at their foot ball six hours a day. In short we are all back again on the job and the time is appropriate for a little discussion of the work question in general. Now it seems to me that this “work” idea is being carrled too far. The thing is becoming a habit and our unhappy human race is forgetting what we are here for. A good deal of the blame lies, T think, with the great people of the world—I mean the distinguished peo- ple in the high positions. Whenever |veu read of“kings, presidents, great scientists, great inventors, yvou find that they work all the time. Here, for example, is an account of the way the President of the United States— any President of the United States, from: George Washington —is sup- posed to_begin his day: “The President ‘is an early riser. He is always out of hed at 5, is dressed at five minutes past, drinks a cup of ffee and is at his desk at half after 5. where he remains for three hours. At 8:30 he reads the papers and then goes back under his desk till 11 o'clock.” That example is surely enough to stop everybody from wanting to be a | President. But as a matter of fact it is just as bad, or even worse, to One would surely suppose that anybody who had risen so high as to be an emperor would want_to quit altogether. Not bit of it. Emperors, by all accounts, ave a perfect rage for work. Nowadays there are not many em- perors left, but if vou take any ac- count of any of the emperors that there were in the days before the war vou find that their intimate life was carried on after this fashion: “The emperor”—so 1t was said of the most conspicuous of them—"rises at 4 and at once changes his uniform | twice, drinks a_dipper of coffee, and is at his desk. He frequently answers over a hundred dispatches, many of which are so important as to involve ropean peace and war, before 5 o'clock in the morning, dropping his answers down a letter chute at his His correspondence finished, the emperor drinks more coffee, changes his trousers twice, and takes his morning ride at full speed, return ling at 6 in time to chop wood, light the fire in the palace and cook the porridge. After which he changes his trousers, reads the papers and settles down to the work of the da; . R to another side Many people would suppose that the life Of a succéssful novelist must be one of delightful ease. Apparently it is not. A successful novelist is bit- ten with the same wild desire to work that affects a President and an Em- peror. 1 noticed recently an account of the most successful of British novelists of today, which read, as nearly as I can recall it, about as follows: “Mr. W——, whom we interviewed at his country place in Sussex, is a perfect dynamo of energy. Although it was as yet only 5 o'clock in the morning and we were still a quarter of a mile from the house, he stuck his head out of an upper window and roared, ‘Come along! Delighted to see you! Been waiting for you an hour! ““He assured us that he always rose at 4 and went out and had a romp among his bulls from 4 to 5. ‘And when do you do your writing?" we asked. ‘Mostly between 3 and 4 in the morning, though I generally feel pretty keen around midnight, he answered. “Mr. W plays as hard as he works. e challenged us (o a zame turn of life. “THE GREAT NOVELIST ALWAYS ROSE AT 4 AND HAD A ROMP AMONG THE BULLS TILL 5.7 of tennis, at which he beat us easily three love sets. He is a keen golfer and enjoys walking; never does less than his 25 miles a day. In the prep- aration of his books his energy is enormous. He told us that in_the making of his latest novel, ‘Dora Lap- wing,’ he found it necessary to read | through the entire Encyclopaedia Bri- | tannica. In leaving him we realized that in our day the life of a novelist is a singularly arduous one.” Worse than all, and more surpris- ing than all, this work craze seems to have spread places. One would syrely think that the South Sea Islands stood for a scene of languorous rest, where nothing stirred save the faint breeze: the fronds of the palm trees, while the pearling waves broke in soft mur- murs on the golden sand. At least that is the idea I always had of the place. Yet listen to this, taken from one of the very latest of the new South Sea Island books, called ‘‘Six Days in Pingo™: to most unlfkely “Banana Myth.” N a scathing denunciation of what he termed the great American “banana myth,” Dr. W. E. Safford, economic botanist of the Department of Agriculture, has attacked evidence recently brought forward in support of the theory that bananas originated on this hemisphere and were cuitivats ed by prehistoric Indians. Commenting on the discovery of fos- sil banana seed in coal beds of Colom- bia and connection of this discovery with statements made by early writers as to the Indians’ use of the fruit, he {declared postively that the home of |the banana was’in the Malay Archi- pelago, that it was unknown in Ameri- ca when Columbus reached here, and that the same writers who reported it as native to the New World demon- strated similar ighorance in regard to the potato and other plants. Columbus and his followers listed the plants they encountered, but made no mention of the banana. Bananas were irtroduced into the West Indies from the Canary Islands by Padre Tomas de Berlangas in 1516. They were also carried to Pacific islands by immigrants; but their native home was in the Malay Archipelago. ‘The persistence of the myth of the American origin, according to Dr. Saf- ford, was due to the great Humboldt, who evidently was not himself a bot- anist, and accepted the statements of Garcillaso de la Vega, a descendant of the Incas, who stated that bananas were a staple food of South American Indians in pre-Columbian times. This man, Dr. Safford sald, was ignorant of the agriculture he pretended to describe. Most of his information was second-hand and his exaggerated and unreliable statements lack confirma- tion. Humboldt also accepted state- ments that the Irish potato was found in Virginia by early colonists when it has been definitely established that it was a native of Peru and was un- known in North America before the cominz of the white man. Tests for Motormen. SPECIAL laboratory tests by which it may be possible to pick out the man who has the makings of a safe and efficient street car pilot are being devised by Dr. Morris S. Viteles of the University of Pennsylvania. A man's rating on an intelligence test does not always indicate whether he is likely to lose his head in emer- gencies or to run his car badly. This was shown by glving such tests to motormen in regular employment and comparing the results with the men'’s records in service and with the opin- lons of their supervisors. Dr. Viteles then worked out a mo- morman selection test by which sig- nals are given on a plece of mechani- cal apparatus and the prospective motorman responds with the same muscles that would be used in operat- ing a trolley car. This apparatus measures the safety factors, such as a man's capacity to learn, his ability to keep his attention steadily on his Job and to act quickly in emergencies so as to avoid accidents. To test an applicant’s general ability and cour- tesy the psychologist devised a set of questions, such as: “If an intoxicated man was annoying the passengers in your car would you (1) put him off the car? (2) Pay no attention to him? (8) Turn him over to the near- est officer? (4) Report to the train dispatcher?” The problem of the alert and capa- ble motorman is also being studied by use of elaborate testing machines in a new 'laboratory in Paris. A feature of the French laboratory is a realistic reproduction of a etreet car, in which the motorman's reaction, speed and control are put to the test. Near Enough. The wife of a Southern archdeacon sent his vesiment to be washed. The next morning she answered the tele- phone. “Misa Mary. do the archange! want his.shroud. starched?", among | Early tho s rival the wharf ife and I were at o atives i dchief o yam, left orders that he the very moment c m ed to see rrival found the vam already up and work on the fous piazza of his bung. “He is a m of commanding ap pearance and w: mous pancake hat jacket and a soda wat wire round his engaged in w on a typewriter which he can so he told us. either with his hands or his feet making as much noise either way chief is a man of European culty having four books and a radio app: ratus which he uses for cook He is a man of intense ener When not vooking on his radio or eating: his books, he likes nothing better thar to throw boomerangs in all directions among his subjects. “The yam is a man of intense re ligious conviction and sacrifices one or two of his subjects every week When I spoke to him of the missior of conversion on which my wife ar I had come to Pingo the yam said that if I would sell my wife he would convert me a hundred Pinganos tha morning. Only too clearly somebody had brought work and energy and dy namic restlessness into the quiet life of this yam and spoiled it. % e NI so it goes all over the world Everywhere we have brousht the sordid slavery of work. In the quie depths of the tropical forest where the native used to lie dreaming among the crocodiles, in the snows of the Arctic where once the Eskimo sat gizgling in his igloo, in all the losi corners of the world we have intro duced our mad passion for work. Quite as mad as any of the case: above is the lot of a sclentist on a inventor. Compare the following lit tle extracts describing the dail habits of one or two of the most illustrious of them: Thomas A. Stedison never sleeps It ig his custom to stand up all nigh: and work to overcome him, If tired It drowsiness threater he shuts one eve. he stands on one leg. B Mr. Stedison claims that per cent of effictenc out of him “Mr. Sparconi never eats. If hun ger begins to affect him, he has a bowl of hot onion soup placed in the room next to him. When his work is over the great inventor looks at a beefsteak fixedly till his working power is restored.” Or—lumping few others to Pord never sits down.” “loyd George never laughs “M. Moincaire never coughs. All through the whole scale there appears the same terrible record o effort and abstinence and efficiency and work. The thing has gone too far. How much more comfortable this old world would be if we were assured that the President never got up till 10 o'clock, and generally went fishing till noon; if we understood that Sparconi plaved penochle every morning, and that Stedison coul. hardly keep awake after dinner. That would give the rest of us a chance As it is, we are being distorted out of our natural selves by the ter- rible example of the strenuous peo- ple. Can we do something about 1t Let us get back to the first prin- ciples. -The ‘only time to work i= when you have to. The time to quit is when vou want to. Eat all you can pay for. Sleep till some one steps on you. Never think till you have to. The inculcation of a few ideas like these would make the “world a hap- pier place. Come, let us make a lazy Winter of it. (Copyright. 1925.) Has Any One Tried? High School—Have you read "To.a Field Mouse"? Grade School ‘em to listen? WNo; how do you get