Evening Star Newspaper, May 10, 1925, Page 74

NGTO: George and His Wife Have a Glorious Time Telling ‘the Hawthorne Club About Their Experience in Meeting Their Friend, Lord Saveus. NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. BY Noah & Daniel, the Webster boys who wrote the words and music of the Dictionary Blues, used to sing in their vauds ville act, “Who tied the can on liking English Titles?” And as I remarking to George, that's my husband, not iong ago, ain’t it the truth, in this country we got no more use for a title before of our ordinary name then we have for a question mark after our good one. The subject come up the other ev: ning around six W. H. meaning “wel- come home” when I showed Geo. a invitation from Mrs. Freddy Freenash, usking in so many words would we come ‘into town and meet her boy friend, Lord Saveus, at a reception she was giving for him. It seems this feller was the English Primmer, or something, and the min- ute I read that note I begun to feel that even if he looked at me through 2 windshield in one eye, it was up to me to accept and go in and show him where 1 wasn't afraid of any for- eigners. ‘Well anyways, I showed the invite to Geo. and he says for the love of Lucy, he says, I ain't going to put on no soup and fish and drag myself into town to wring the mitt of that Teller. Nix, he says, I certainly do despise titles, why should I worry over them, remembering the family I come from? And I says come from is correct, they didn't keep you any longer then they wak obliged to, I guess. And Geo. well lookit here, Jen- nie, he probably you don't realize it, but my the A no. 1 families of this country of course it means absolutely nothin; 10 me, I don't care about them thing: but as a matter of fact I am mysel personally descended from Count Ten on my stepmother’s side of the house, and my uncle by marriage comes from one of the oldest families in Greece. And I says sure, descended from the Queen of the Kitchen, I bet. Count_Spoo! who used to work in the Cafe Noir, was his brother, ‘wasn't he? ‘Well, Geo. give me a look which could of been improved with a vacuum cleaner, and he says say Jennie, you know I merely mentioned a few facts about my family, that’s all, but if You insist upon goin’ in town to meet this gink, why of course I don't wan- ner spoil your pleasure, I guess I better get me a new vest and a blue bow tie, I see where the Prince of ‘Wales is wearing them, not, he says, that I give a whoop and a couple of hurrahs about meeting any feller with e title unless it is to a good piece ©of American real estate. Well Geo., I says, T must say T don't care nothing about these for- eign titles, but at the same time I believe I will get me a new dress to wear, I ain’t got a thing that can be seen in public. And Geo. says that's the way with evening gowns nowadays, there ain't enough of them to be seen, the most visible part of them is the please re- mit notices from the dressmaker. But g0 ahead, buy the dress, only don't charge up more than five beeds and a wash, that's all you need and all I can stand on this mons. salary. W family ‘is one of| Hot Bozo. Of course I agreed with Geo. on that. I didn’t care what Lord Saveus thought about me per- sonally, but for the honor of my coun- try I wanted he should be able to go back home and tell his wife where the Am. women was the best dressed in the world, if not the most heavily. So I got meé a thoroughly abbreviated after 7 p.m. creation, with trimmings. And then the day of the party, who would call up on the ’'phone only Mabel Bush, the one which is married to that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club. Say dearie she says, how about a little bridge tonight? And I says, why Mabel, we would of adored to, only Viewing the Month of May With the Vision That Was Characteristic of Old Almanacs BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. HE month on which we are now entering is one which is popu- larly known as the merry month of May. The Winter is now over, except in the city of Quebec, in Butte, Mont., and in the Back Bay region of Boston. The gath- ering warmth of the sun calls all na- ture to life. In the older almanacs of the kind that used to be made for farmers the first items under this month always dealt with the aspect of the heavens. The farmer was told that in May the sun, passing out of the sign of Taurus, moved into the constellation of Gemini; that the apparent declination of the sun was 15 degrees and 4 minutes, and that the neap tides fell on the 13th and 27th of the month. He was also informed that Mars and Mercury dur- ing May are both in opposition and that Sirius is the dog star. In the city this information is now useless. Nobody can see the heavens even if he wants to; the open space between the skyscrapers formerly called the sky is now filled with elec- tric lights, pictures of motor wheels turning round, and men eating break- fast food with'a moving spoon. We doubt also if the up-to-date farm- er is really concerned with the zodiac. ‘We will therefore only say that in this month if the farmer will on any clear night ascend to the cupola of his per- zola with his binoculars and with his radio plugs in his ears and his in- sulators on his feet and view the heavens from midnight till 3 in the morning, he will run a first-class chance of getting pneumonia. For those to whom gardening—even in the limited restrictions of a city back yard—is a hobby and a passion, the month of May is the most enticing month of the year. It seems strange to think that so many men with a back yard at their dispesal—e back yard, let us say, 20 feet by 15—should nevertheless spend the long evenings and the Saturday afternoons of the month of May striding up and down the golf links or wandering along a trout stream. How much better to be out in the back yard with a spade and ~ hoe, pickaxe and sledge hammer and a little dynamite preparing the exu- berant sofl for the luxuriant crop. In the amateur garden in the back yard no great technical knowledge is needed. Our citizen gardener who wishes to begin should go out into his back yard and having stripped him- self to his waist, all but his under- shirt, shold proceed first to dig out his ground. He must excavate a hole 10 by 15 by 10 by 2; of course,the jhole won't be as big as that, but it will seem to be. ‘He must carefully remove on his back all large bowlders, volcanic rocks and other accumulated debris. These, if he likes, he may fashion tastefully ‘nto a rockery or a rookery; or, also, if he likes, he may throw then over the fence into his neighbor’s .back . He must then proceed to fill the hole half full of sweet-smellirfg S fertilizer. This will almost complete his first evening's work. In fact, he will be the _Jhome from golf. “WELL, I SAYS TO HIM, LORD SAVEU! . i" /’ m// ol ONLY BY NOW I WAS CALLING HIM PLAIN SAVEUS—SA- VEUS, T SAYS, WATTER YOU THINK OF AMERICA, ANYWAYS?” dear Mrs. Freenash has ast us especial to come on in and meet dear Lord Saveus, and we don’t wanner hurt her feelings, so I guess we simply got to g0. And Mabel says my land. I see your point, I don’t care for titles my- self, 1 certainly am glad we ain’t got any in this country. And I says that's just what Geo. was claiming the other night, he says, where if they was supplied free by the Govt., he wouldn’t use even one. And Mabel says, well, dear, I will call you later, if that Englishman drops any ‘H's’ you might bring me a couple home for a souvenir. ‘Well anyways, this. party of Mrs. Freenashes was to be held at the Hotel Costleigh in town, one of them good hotels where if a patron was to wake up sudden in one of them, they couldn’t in St. Louis or Memphis on account they are good hotels, if you get me, with gray bedroom furniture, and etc. Well any ways, I and Geo. went to this party. see, and Mrs Freenash had grabbed off the grand ballroom and they was certainly bawling in it by the time we hit it, a person couldn’t hardly hear themself talk for the noise. Natu- rally the first thing I was looking out for was his honor, Lord Saveus. Well, I am a pretty good reader of character, and so it wasn't over a ‘week before I spotted one boy which had on a coat with 10-carat gold braid on it, and a manner which hadn't nothing to do with carats, it was more like turnips, well anyways, he had all the manners of a lord at the lowest, and I says to Geo. say, that felles looks kinda lonesome, I guess they are all scared of him, there he stands all by hisself, come on leave us go speak kindly to him. Well Geo. says yeh, and just as we headed for this bird, what would he do but walk over to a table and com- mence serving sandwiches. ‘Well, just about then, Mrs. Free- nashr seen us and she steered us up to where a little feller crouching be- hind a big white moustache was standing with his back against the wall, 2nd it was Lord Saveus, and I hook him by the hand, and Geo. hook him by the hand, and he says “OUR CITIZEN GARDENER WIL) to Geo. lovely weather we are having, the thing I like about America is that its so bally American. Then Geo. says yeh, and we was shoved along. ‘Well anyways, we ate our ice cream, and then Geo. put his arm through mine and says well old girl, he says, thank Heaven we ain’t got no titles in this country, he says, and that we wouldn’t use them even if we had. Well, by this time we was at the ladies’ cloakroom, and Geo. give the girl my ticket and a sliced iron man. Here you are m'Lady! he says to her, and grabbed off my coat. And then we rung for the elevator, only we didn’t want to be elevated, we wanted to go down. Well anyways, it come for us, and we got in. Ground floor, please, Cap- tain! says Geo. Well, the boy bore up under it, and then we went out to the main entrance where a great big duke with all the odd buttons in the world on his chest was paging the cabs. How about a taxi, Chiet? says Geo. to him. Up to the corner there was a big traffic jam, and seeing where we had to make the eleven fifty-five or sleep as we were, why Geo. commenced to get worried. So he stuck his mouth out the winder, and give the traffic cop a call. Say, he says, we got to make a train, how about it, Boss? And the cop recognized his title and let us through.. All right, Colonel, he says, make any kind of train you feel able to, he says. Well, we got the train we wanted, we ain’t kept it, we give it back later. ‘The taxi driver we had was a pretty cute curb cutter. He used his lamp: he could use them or leave them alone. He never touched a city one, any- ways. And when Geo. paid him off, he complimented him, too. Say, Doc, he says, that was a good trip. I certainly appreciate you getting us here in time, Doc, he says. And then onct we was home, Geo. give me a earful on this title business. Say, Jennie, he says, didn't it make you a little sick to hear them all fawning on that English Primmer and calling him this and the other? You L THEN PULVER! BY LYING DOWN AND ROLLING IT.” the soil, which he will carefully pul- verize by laying down and rolling in it. After this he can then take a bath (or_two baths) and go to bed. The ground thus carefully prepared, the amateur gardener should wait a day or so and then, proceeding to his back yard, should draw on his overalls up to his neck and proceed to plant his bulbs and Z The tulip is a favorite flower for early planting, owing to its fine, rau- cous appearance. Excellent tulip bulbs may be had of any florist for $1, which, with proper care, will turn into a flower worth 30 cents. The dahlia, the most handsome of the ganglions, almost repayg cultivation, presenting a splendid carboniferous appearance with nce. The potato is not bad, er. ‘When the garden plot is all filled up know that stuff is out so far as we Americans is concerned, he say: ‘Well Hot Bozo! I wasn't gonner leave Geo. be lonesome on them sedi- ments, so I says I quite agree with you, dear, that kinda stuff, meeting nobility and etc, don't mean a thing in my life, why I wouldn't even men- tion it to anybody, I sdys, and Geo. says yeh. And then we went to sleep. ‘The next day, before I got the dishes washed, the ‘phone rung, and who would it be except that Mabel Bush. Hello, dear, she says, I and Joe is out at the Hawthorne Club, she says, why don’t you two come on out, she says, Geo. is a member now, come along for lunch, how was the party last night, anywa: did you meet his lordship, not that I care a thing about titles, but just as matter of curiosity. And I says, yes, sure we met him, I had quite a talk with him, he ain’t 80 bad for a foreigner, he is quite a dear, in fact. And she says oh do come on out and tell me all about him. 8o I told Geo, and he says, well, 1 guess there is enough gas in the car, we will go, but see here Jennie, don’t discuss Lord Saveus, I think it is pretty poor to go bragging about your social position to friends, he says. ‘Well, like any natural Am. wife I says yes dear, and when we got out ‘o the Hawthorne Club, I and Mabel went and sat in the room with Mrs. Goofnah, Miss Demeanor, that bottle blond which is engaged to Dr. Salary, and a few others who didn't care noth- ing at all for titles, but who was in- terested to hear someting about Lord Saveus. But of course I couldn't tell them much about him. Say ladies, I says, you kngw Geo. that's my husband—well, he don't think much of titles, in fact he wouldn’t bother with any person that had one. I will say where.I feel he ain't quite right on that, because while I certainly care nothing for a title my- self, still and all, as 1 was saying to dear Lord Saveus—well, I got ju far telling that one when I heard Geo. In the next room talking to the men. ‘Well, says Geo. I says to him, Lord Saveus, he says, only by now, I was calling him just plain Saveus—Saveus, I says, whatter you think of America with buried bulbs and seeds the gar- dener should roll the dirt down flat by rolling it, and then for the rest of the month of May sit and look at it. The month of May is the time of year when dandelion wine, owing to the presence of dandelions, is per- haps easier to make than at any other time. An excellent recipe is as follows: 1. Pluck, or pick%a small bask ful of dandelion heads. 2. Add to them a quart of water and leave the mixture to stand for five minutes. 3. Pour off the water, remove the dandelions and add as flavoring a quart of 1872 champagne. 4. Drink it. It is in the month of May that the countryside, for the true lover of na- ture, is at its very best. For one who & inguish knows by name and can disti and classify the flora of the lanes and flelds, a country walk among the opening buds is a scene of unalloyed Joy. The tiny hibiscus is seen peep- ing out from under the grass, whil everywhere in the Spring air is the sweet scent of the ornithorhyncus and the megalotherium. One should watch in this month for the first shoots of the spiggot, while the trained eye will easily distinguish the lambswart, the dogsfoot and the cowslip. Nor are the birds, for any one who knows their names, less interesting than the flowers. The corvex ameri- canus is building its nest in the tall trees. The sharp whistling notes of the ilex and pulex and the index are heard in meadows, while the marshes are loud with the song of the ranunculus. But, of course, for Who do not know these names nothing is happening except that a lot of birds are ng' and the grass ie growing. That, of courss, is quite worthless and unin 3 ning of the Tro; s o e Conment, 1538 lScienc Togo’s Proposal That Constitution Be Made to Forbid All Future Amendments Stirs Enthusiasm of Japanese Thinking Society. BY WALLACE IRWIN. To Editor The Star—very wise man who only find Truth among Youjg reporters. EAREST SIR—Last Wedsy .m. panese Thi; Bees: becat y events has collapsed this week that Thinkers must work rapid- ly to keep ahead of them. Hon. Jumbo Fatomato, Japanese whale-weight pugglist, were president pro tem. He could not occupy the chair because he are too enlarged by the hips; therefore a settec were furnished for him, kindness of Hon. J. L. Helfinder, German drugger, who gell the best gin in town bar nun. “Fellow Thinkers,” commence Hon. Jumbo Fatomato with Jest Willard expression, before we start this chum. plonship cumbatt of brains I wish say we will stick strickly to Marquis of Queerberry Rules. Question to be decided tonight are: What Are Hap- ning to the U. 8. Constitution? und One will now step into the ring. “Mr. Spoke!” holla Hon. Bunkio Saguchi, “since I got back from Hollywood, Cal, I are firm-toothed in my opinfon that Hon. Constitution need amending in spots.” - Great excitements everywhere. Who had ever thought of that? “What sort of amendment do you h?” require Hon. Jumbo Fatoma- to. “What kinds have you?” negotiate this Bunklio. “I second the emotio) Soda, Japanese drugger. “Kan the ruf-stuf,” growell Jumbo Fatomato with Bolled 30 Acres voice. “So many persons are talking at aonce that I think I hear radios. It m to be the consenseless of this meeting that U. S. Constitution shall be changed. For what reason, if any?"” “It have been mended so oftenly,” dictate Miss Mamie Furiok! (married), that one or more darns will scarce- 1y get noticed.” “Pretty soonly,” pronounce Cousin Nogi from his feet, here will be no_more room for the patches. ““That are neither hither nor thith- renig Jumbo Fatomato. “Yuz Guys come here wishing get Hon. Constitution re-cut & re-muddied again. ‘What do you desire for to call this sudden change?” “The Twentieth Amendment,” snug gest Hon. Bunkio Saguchi. It you wish do that,” report Hon. Jumbo, “we must work rapidly with our intelligence. Time are short & we must also listen to minits of last meeting before going home. What is the I. D.? To write a new Amend- ment require cansiderable brains. “It did not require any brains to write Amendment Eighteen (18),” de- velop J. Sago, Japanese groceries, “and see what happen! America are now in a state of alkohollick comma and Philadelphia have had to hire the Marine Corpse to help it sober up. No 1 says, and he says to me, why George Jules, he says, I think the weather is fine, he says to me, and, boy, he says what I really like about Amerfca, he says, it's so American! / Hot Bozo! Of course Mabel Bush has got a right ear that didn't switch any of that stuff. Well dearie, says she, I thought you didn’t care any- thing about titles and nobility and all ‘hat? And I says of course I don’t care about any of that pack of cards, ex- cept the top which is familiar to me, for why should I worry over them, I says. the only ones I care about is the kings and queens on account my brother is an ace, I says, and from what I hear in the other room, I guess I am mar- ried to the Knave of Clubs! (Copyright, 1925.) decry K. BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: Many books and articles has been wril what is known es the “‘proper approach” in businessand how the nag of always saying the right thing when you first meet peo- ple is of supreme importance whether you want to sell them something or merely make a favorable impression on them in a social way. It is a whole lot easier to worm your way into a man’s good gracious if you show him right off the reel that you know who ‘he is and talk on some subject which they are interested in. Like for inst. suppose you was go- ing to try and sell @ farm to a man named Mr. Estes who is a bond sales. man. If you went up to him end said “Good-morning Mr. Estes how is bonds this morning?” you would have a good leal better chance of doing business with him than as if you was to say ‘“Hellow there Mr. Whats his Name, I forget what business you are in but how about buying a little farm this ‘morning?"* there is even some books on the mar- ket that tells you just what to say to les in different walks of life like line of business and a conversation which might interest one undertaker and make him feel friendly y“o: might maybe bore “WE ARE HERE TO MANUFACTURE A TWENTIETH AMENDMENT.” 8ir E! Any schoolboy can write a Amendment in 20 minutes which might require 20 yre. to inforce. * Kk k¥ % ALRITE,” grunch Jumbo Fato- mato, “if you got to have a Twentieth Amendment what is it?" “I emove,” holla Arthur Kickaha- jama, Japanese undertaker, “that Fid- deral Govt. be otherized to bring out following warlike wepons: 1—18-inch Navy shotguns. 2—quick-killing gas-bums. 3—Browning guns (light air-cooled variety). 4—State Militia, Knights of Colum- , etc. *“to be mobilized for following puppose: “To make it {llegal for anny Amer- ican lady, between the age of 7 & 70 to wear their hair in that Bobble fashion which are now so frequent. “I object!” snarrel I. Anizuma, Jap- anese barber and halr-i:lslu special- ist. “If such a furious law got passed my haircut studio would be shur- rounded by Marines in 15 minutes. ‘Then think how long it would take my customers to get shaved.” It would not require much longer an now,” dib Arthur Kickahajama. “Last 8atdy p.m. I read 4 vols. of the Police Gazat in your shop before you got time to say ‘Next.’ “That Amendment sound deliciously foolish to me," negotiate Uncle Nichl who was not sleeping very well in the back of the room. “‘All Amendments sounds that way,' investigate Jumbo Fatomato. “Has anybody else got another one to of- fer? T got one!” shill Sydney Katsu Jr. “Let us make it illegal for laundries (steam & French) to rip, tear & crucify shirts before sending them home." object!"”" howell Capt. Zero Yogi. “That would rune my business. I have just bought a laundry. ‘That are nothing,” snear Sydney. have just bought a shirt. I are siprised at you, Zero Yogi. Oncely you were a honest Japanese, running a good garbage crematory. What are the cause of your downfell?” the & was left out. tired- of the butcher Frog Carved From Turnip Started Sculptor on Wé BY PRESTON WRIGHT. N the middle of the last century art as a career was not cherished by many New Englanders. Ons of the few exceptions was Henry F. French of Exeter, N. H., and later of Concord, a noted lawyer of his day and at one time Assistant Secre- tary of the United States Treasury. An attorney and the son of an at- torney, Henry F. French loved good paintings and good sculpture. And when, in the course of time, he mar- ried and was blessed with two sons, he sincerely hoped one of them would be an artist. He watched those two boys rather intently for- evidences of a talent that would be a fulfillment of his hopes, Eventually he was rewarded. ‘The yc:umr of them, Daniel bis task by putting back a fourth ef'of he still is producing masterpieces that will be the delight of Americans for many centuries to come, Perhaps the example of his work that is best known is ot the sitting Lincoln which is so im- pressive a part of the beautiful Lin- coln Memorial. On an Autumn day in 868 Dan French, then a lad of 18, used his pocketknife to carve a sem. blance of a fio‘mhma n‘lup. fat fashioned the' the ht v BOPES ey e, v N To n with, Daniel Chester N:ld‘r brother, William M. French, seemed likely to be the of dm family. He sketched the great statue | cou! Wwith ‘me,” said Willlam. . ““There’: : lion out there in & snow- 'l'ho:a things took a turn for the Danfel Chester French at 18 was not & very strong youth. It was de- .m(munmmm him. So he “‘Any other remarks” require Jumbo Fatomato from platform. "I got one!” hissy that Zero Yogi. ‘Sydney Katsu Jr. are a rare variety of poisoned worm. “No committee could ram around 80 much without getting somewhere,” say Jumbo Fatomato. “We are here to manufacture a 20th Amendment. ‘Who else has got a brite I. D. “Listen at this one!” narrate my Cousin Nogi. “I are siprised to find that Hon. Constitution have played 19 | holes already without doing anything about Talefones. For instancely, on my line a Hell O'Girl who can say ‘Axcuse it please’ twice before getting me the wrong number. Last Xmas she got a number right and were so siprised that she took a 2 wks. vaca- tion. All Talefone Services has got so full of vodka or some estranged elec- tricity that several Companies is put- ting up following noti Don't Tale- fone When You Can Walk There. “Are this not a pretty bad passage Mr. Settee? While 110,000 Americans (including Japanese and Eskimos) are wond.ring how to talk to each other without hollering out of the window Hon. Talefone Companies set calmly at their switchboard trying to figger out how to make conversation more difficult in any languidge.” “Which do you want us to do about 1t?" require Jumbo brefly. “Make an Amendment,” report Cousin Nogi. “But a Amendment would not do some good to fix up all that you say,” reject Hon. Settee. * x % % $]\JOBDY axpects a Amendment to do some good,” say Nogi. “Ob- Ject of those Constitutional patches are merely to amen - “I got a better 20th Amendment while.elevating in Clabber & Nug{. Dept. Store I were so infested by ladies that I could only tip off my derby by caressing a 3-size subbuban housewife with my thumb in her eye. This cause umburella-stroke to my poor head until I felt pretty bad on the 9th floor. This hat-snatching cere- mony are a very healthless practice. Think how much pullmonia & sneex ing disease it cause.” “Would you rob me of my income tax?" This voice came from Dr. K. K. Kazumi, Japanese, , nose & throat cutter. “With no colds in head & kneck how you sippose my medical profession are going to live “While the 18th Amendment are here,” 1 snuggest, “there are always good high-jacking job for earnest Young men.” nless we can be more rapid about deciding something,” explode Jumbo Fatomato, “I shall declare this fight a drawer I demand immediate quickness, please. What shall we agree on’ for the 20th Amendment which we can pass before Hon. Con- gress makes another one?" “Mr. Settee,” 1 orotorio, bravely in my foot: ing to snuggest s everybody will agr Kingratulations!” shouch Jumbo. “And what are the nature of your snuggestion?” “I snuggest a Amendment to make it unconstitutional to pass another amendment.” This from me with flashy eye. “Fellow thinkers,” dictate Jumbo Fatomato,” you have heard the emo- tion. All in favor please snignify by standing up.” At that signal, Mr. Editor, the room sound like a stable of mules from everybody trying to get on their lege together. Everybody stand up to get standing “1 are will- hing to which than those!” yellup Geo Washington Fondo, Japanese dabberhasher. ‘Let us make it unlawful for gents to re- move off their hats while going up ele- vators with ladies. This hat take-oft business are a national menace, by golly. Two or three days of yore liar pronunciation of the name . So he approached the butcher in the following words, *‘Good-morning Mr. Black. How is méat this morn- ing?” To his astonishment Mr. Black give him a dirty look end had him chased out of the shop. If my friend bhad said, “Good-morn! Mr. Blck. How is tennis courts this morning?’ ‘They's no question in anybody’'s mi but what he cg}g‘ of ‘'sold him a his noses counted except Uncle Nich! who were too much asleep to seem alive. Hoping you are the same e of Salesmanship May Be Tested By Beginner on a Few Citizens of Note ! and is at a loss in regards to the right entree. For the sake of clearness and sim- plicity we will pretend like we have in mind 2 man named Haffle who is selling finger nail clippers and amongst his prospective clients is President Coolidge. (Any other article may be substituted for finger nail clipers at the discretion of the reader). ‘Well, if a person went up to Presi- dent Coolidge and throwed finesse to the winds and said, “Lissen Mr. Cool- iddge, your finger nails is too long, but here is a little article that will remedy that defect,” why you would probably be escorted to the nearest exit by the entire secret service. The proper method which would undoubt- edly entrance the President and in: sure a sale would be as follows: “Good morning Mr. Coolidge. How is your horse? And speaking about horses reminds me of a man that was very wealthy and had a great many horses but the woman he loved would not have nothing to do with him on acct. of him never cutting his finger nails. Now I am selling a little ar- ticle, etc.” Or suppose it was J. W. Davis. 'Well Mr. Davis I guess after what happened to you last fall you prob- ably ain’t got no presidential bee buzzing in your head no more and speaking about bees that reminds me that I once shook hands with a man that was running for office and his finger nmails was so long that I thought a bee had stang me and I would not be surprised but what that was what caused him being de- feated. Now I am selling a little ar- ticle, etc. ©Or suppose it was Mr. Belasco. “‘Well Mr. Belasco I see they been accusing you of putting on plays that ain’t clean. That reminds me of a story about a fella that his finger nalls was never clean. Now if he bad of kept them short they would not of been so noticeable. I have got a little article, etc. Or Magnus Johnson. “Well Mr. Johnson they tell me you are a dirt farmer and speaking about dirt, etc.”