The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, August 2, 1917, Page 13

e oo —— e T — it - =S EETR—— BETWEEN THE ROWS HELP WANTED BY FARMER JONES NORMAN BLACK There once was a -fat man named Norm}; The farmers he sought to reform; He bought him a paper And cut a great caper, But soon got in from the storm. * * * The amateur “war gardeners” are finding that it takes just about as much patriotism to fight potato bugs as it does to fight the Kaiser. * * % MODERN BATTLE SONG ‘We'll rally ‘round the hoe, boys, and join . the ranks of toil, shouting the battle cry of ‘“Feed ’em!” We'll train the crops to grow, boys, as tillers of the soil, shouting the battle cry of “Feed ’em!” Where there is work to do, boys, we'll gather on the spot, shouting the battle cry of “Feed 'em!” To duty we'll be true, boys, and till the vacant lot, shouting the battle cry . of “Feed ’eml!” Nature, kind mater, will aid in our need. Down with the ‘tater; up with the weed! So we'll rally round the hoe, boys, and train the crops to grow, shouting the battle cry ‘T really have no appetite,” Said Mary to her “matey,” She only ate some crab croquettes ‘Which cost a dollar eighty. Then they turned homeward. On the way An odor struck their noses From something scattered all about On lawns and spuds and roses. “It's fertilizer,” Bill explained, “The best I ever seen. The meat trust sells it for eight bones; It makes the grass grow green.” But Mary-she could stand no more— She murmured as she wept: “All that I've seen reminds me of The little lamb I kept. “I sold him for a dollar ten, I knew they did me ‘wrong. They sell him back for twenty bucks— I guess that's pretty strong.” “Think what I got and what they get Out of the little lamb, Ain’'t that enough to justify -Hey, Mary, help me feed this calf! The thing’s been weaned for a week and a half; I've done my best, but I can’t choke a spoonful down his stubborn throat; every mess goes on my clothes, or in my shoes, or up his nose! You’d ought to see him jerk and pull; he’s got the strength of a grown-up bull! Just now I wedged him in a stall where he couldn’t draw his breath to bawl; I roped his head to a two-by-four, and tied his legs to the cow barn door; I forced my hands between his gums, and up his nostrils stuck my thumbs; I drove his head in the old feed pail immersed him half way to- his tail, and, ‘‘Now,”’ says I, ‘‘its up to you to drink or perish, one of the two!l’’ ‘Where does the ruffian get his power? You’d think he’d die most any hour—he’s been so long without his feed, he’s lantern- jawed and wobble-kneed ; he’s shin and bone, and knobby joints —his backbone is a ridge of points; but, when I thought I had him down, so he’d have to either drink or drown, why, left he lurched and I lost my place, and he blew his snootful in my face; then right he jambed like a batterin’ ram, and drove his head in my diaphragm | He loosed his legs with a single spurt, and danced a jig on the front of my shirt! I’m black and blue on my north- west side; I’ve lost two yards and a half of hide! I’ve bruised both legs, and hurt one arm | I’ll kill that calf! I’ll sell this farm! ; Go bring some milk—that last got spilled—you wouldn’t care if a man got killed! Don’t stand there like a dunce and laugh! Come on, and help me feed this calf! 2 ) A girl in saying ———7* of ‘Feed em;’ » » *Deleted by censor. N THE AIM OF SOME POLITICIANS * * *» ING BATHING SUITS ON THE IS FINE WHEN THEY ' ARE THROWING BOQUETS AT THEM- SELVES. L They say whenever Uncle Sam " finds that he has some postage stamps that “won’t stick” he sends them out to North Dakota post- offices, because his North Dakota nephews “will stick.” % * * TEN LITTLE 'TATERS There is a jingle going the rounds which tells the story of “Ten Little *Taters” like this: “Ten little 'taters growing on a vine, local buyer got one, then there were nine. Nine little "taters shipped aw:y by freight, rail- roads got one, then there were eight. Eight little ’'taters another ride were given, transfer got one, then there were seven. Seven little 'taters, sold to Commissioner Dix, commission man took one, then there were six. Six little ’taters in a store arrive, retailer took one, then there were five. Five little 'taters eaten up and then—the ul= timate consume: p;iid*tor the ten.” A MAN HASN'T MUCH USE FOR ‘A THERMOMETER THAT DOESN'T REGISTER LOWER IN WINTER AND HIGHER IN SUMMER THAN . THE ONE NEXT DOOR. * ® x MARY AND HER LAMB Mary had a, little lamb, But Ma.y needed cash, She took it to the meat trust man, And prices went to smash. #The market’s bum,”_the buyer said, “] really don’t know when Fve seen it near so bad as this; T1l give a dollar ten.” The meat trust slew the little lamb, And took its ribs and rump - ‘And skin and bones and wool and such— And prices took a jump. When Mary down to market went, To look for garments nifty, She saw a “cutey” sweater vest— The price it was three-fifty. “Where have I seen, that wool before ™ Thought Mary—then she sighed. She'd seen it frisking on the lamb, *Pwas taken from his hide. fhen Mary spied some high-top shoes, " he neatest she had seen, ‘A special price—twelve ninety-eight (Marked down from six-fifteen). #Are these real kid?” asked Mary then, «T don’t want nothing phoney.” * #The best they is,” the clerk replied, _ “Not only cheap but, tony. s#mhere ain’t no kid skin any more, I really don’t know whether Kid at its best has got a thing On this swell lambskin leather.” But Mary turned and sped away -~~~ And met her good friend Billj He took her to & swell cafe, Told her to eat her fill, When Mary spied the menu card The first thing that she saw ' Was “Roast spring lamb, one dollar * per,” 3 *This 1s raw.” »No—roast!” said Bill. He didw't guess That pain made lIary temse, #0Oh, have a heart,” he pointed outy “Baked lamb’s heart's ninety cents™ The expected sensation in the east over - the recruiting of a women’s war unit wearing Scotch kilties failed to materialize— shorter skirts have been in vogue on' Broadway for some time. * * * AN EASY ONE Dear Farmer Jonesi Please -tell us what the acme of patriotism is. ‘ = A READER. The purchase by inmates of the Maryland penitentiary of $2150 worth of Liberty bonds, > STREETS IS PERMISSABLE. IN SOME CITIES WEARING AT LEAST THAT MUCH OUGHT TO BE MADE COMPULSORY, * * * We always wondered where they all came from. We know now because we saw a sign recently, which said: — i SMITH MANUFACTURING CO. } * * * WELL SKINNED Until the recent special election in the First congressional district we did not know that Bacon was a skinned \ “Fanned”’ THREE STRIKES YoU'R QUT ! B HASBEENS _ Dr. L. T. Guild. o The Czar of Russia. Good Government League, Derby hats. The argument that the ILeague is a “partnership.” Charles Evans Hughes. * * * : PATRIOTISM, ACCORDING TO I1OT OF PEOPLE, CONSISTS IN' TELLING "OTHER PEOPLE HOW PATRIOTIC THEY OUGHT TO BE. * * * “Do you really think the price of toal is too high?” asked the dealer. ‘No,” replied the patient citizen, “You seem to regard the stuff as 8o precious, | am surprised you let go of it at any price.” * * * % A farmer got 66 cents for a bushel of potatoes. A housewife seventy-five miles away paid $3.50 for them. Did it cost $2.84 to trans= port that bushel of potatoes seve _ enty-five miles? Go to bed, Rollo, and don’t ask fool questions. * * * I'HE PAPERS SAY A CHICAGO JUDGE HAS RULED THAT WEAR- —_— product. — MINOT (N. D.) DAILY NEWS. * * * FOOLISH QUESTIONS The American Bankers’ association has put out a handbook on how to end the war, for distribution among far- mers (not bankers). It says: ‘Make bread pudding from your bread crusts. It's good. We liked it twenty years ago. * * * Don't run Up bills. Pay cash—you get more and you save by it, * * "+ Tat corn bread half the time. * * * Stop waste.,” Question No. 1—Why don’t the bank=- ers eat the bread pudding now if they liked it twenty years ago? <~Question No. 2—What are you going to do if you ‘haven’t got any bread crusts? Question No. 3—What are you going to do if you haven’t got the cash? Borrow it from the banker at 12 per cent? : Question No. 4—What’s the use of asking foolish questions like these? * * * NO. 123,869 The Home Defense league was sig- naling with flags from “the top of a building, as war practice. A young PAGE THIRTEEN —dJ. B. T. lady inquired: “What are they doing?” “They are signaling,” she was told. “Why don’t they put in a telephone?” she asked. * » * CATS AND RATS Out at LaMoure, N. D., there is an elevator, which, according to the re- port of its manager to the state auth- orities, sold a trifle of 3,414 more bushels of wheat than it bought, and similarly with other grains. But there was a good explanation. The Edgeley Mail tells about it: ‘We would repeat the explanation given at the speaking of Mr. Anderson in Nortonville last Saturday. Someone suggested that the flax, which ran 414 bushels long, was cleaned out of the wheat. And the wheat, which was 3,414 bushels long, was cleaned .out of the flax. “Just the same way that the cat and rat farm proposition is figured. The cats eat the rats and when the cats are skinned the rats eat the cats. They multiply rapidly, you know, .and as a consequence there wouldn’'t be any long delays between meals for either the cats or the rats. “Kither one 1s a skin game. In the former the farmer gets skinned and in the latter the cats get skinned.” COLORADO BOOSTS BAER The election last week of John M. Baer by the Nonpartisan league in North Dakota gives this new organi- zation its first representative in con- gress. Baer is a fine man and should help materially in the legislation now pending in congress. This is especially true in connection with food and fuel =®. ™~ regulation—PUBLIC FORUM, DEN- VER, COLO. AN IOWA IDEA The congressional election in the first North Dakota district indicates that the Nonpartisan league has not lost as much prestige with the voters as biased individuals and newspapers have claimed.—SIOUX CITY (IOWA) TRIBUNE. A MINNESOTA BOOST President Townley’s speech de- mandjng the conscription of wealth to finance this war, has attracted the favorable attention of right thinking people of the nation. Of course, the dollar-mad patriots said he ought to be mobbed, put in prisor* and lots of other things, but their noise is losing out mighty fast with the people, while President Townley and the Nonparti- san league-are becoming more popular with the people every day. This war might be more popular with the people if the bankers, lawyers, businessmen and political sharks were not quite so strong for it, Do you know the people are thinking? — MONTE- VIDEO (MINN.) DAILY AMERICAN. REMEMBER DOC? Dr. L. T. Guild, formerly editor of the Fargo Courier-News, who made himself so obnoxious to the farmers of the state and most everyone else, is now editor of the Evening Outlook of Santa Monica, Cal. The people of the state seem to express no regrets that they are separated from the dear doc- tor by so many miles,—VELVA (N, D.) JOURNAL. - rr 1 Raaor, % 2 T N S A s i e . i N - S T =