Evening Star Newspaper, October 4, 1931, Page 85

SHE is aliectensss and companionable, has common sense. good judgment and a sense of humor. - . . is fond of children and radiatés joy in life. -+ . is responsive, adaptable, appreciative, helpful, tactful, gracious. « . . has a good min.d. is wise, eenstructively critical, observ- ing and analytical. « . is optimistic and enthu- siastic. « . . is sympathetic, under- standing, considerate, gentle, kindly, generous, * thoughtful, unselfish, altruistic. . . . is competent, practical, responsible, economical, re- sourceful, thrifty, neat, orderly, efficient and industrious. « « . is well poised, even-tem- . patient, just, trust worthy and frank. BY CAROL BIRD. BEP friendship or passionate love— which shall it be as a matrimonial pattern today? A composite picture of the suc- cessful American marriage represents it not as a passionate and romantic attachment, but rether as a deep and quiet’ and enduring companionship. _This sensible although somewhat prosaic donception of matrimony was formed after studying the answers to a recent questionnaire circulated throughout the country, in which gne of the leading questions posed was this one: “What have been and are the factors and ¢hings which have made your marriage happy, satisfying, successful?” 3 Mrs. Chase Going Woodhouse of the North Carolina College for Women conducted the survey in which the questionnaire figured. The study was made under the auspices of the Bureau of Home Economics, Washington, D. C., #nd the Child Development and Parental BEdu- cation Committee of the American Home Eco- Domics Association. . 8uch old-fashioned and sterling qualities as Qlutruism, thrift, industry, patience and a sense of justice were listed as among the de- sireble attributes for a mate to possess—qual- dtles which would sit well upon the Puritan maid at the spinning wheel, but which ought mot to be too incongruous associated with mod- eyu woman behind her desk, pushing buzsers flicking ashes off her cigarette. Love of children, the desire to found a com- fortable home and an understanding and ap- preciation of ethics and religion were also oonsidered to be most desirable character traits. @1l of which may—or may not—indicate that the pendulum is swinging back to more normal standards of living, to a saner philosophy of life. “I want the survey to be on the positive side,” explained Mrs. Woodhouse. “So many families in difficulties of one sort and another bave been studied in the past that I thought # would be a good idea to use as subjects for the survey of the happy families those which have adjusted satisfactorily.” MM WOODHOUSE obtained a group of 344 persons, principally college-trained men and women in early middle life, through whom Bhe could make her investigation. It was & ®ell educated professional group, representing @& stable, thinking~ element of the ocountry, Most of the men and women had childhoods urban backgrounds, but there were also from villages and farms. The subjects from every section of the United States, with thee®larger proportion from the Middle West, the Middle Atlantic and the New Eng- land States. When the answers to the numerous ques- having a bearing on marital JSappiness \ read, some of them were surprising and xpected. Recognition of individual per- gpnality, for example, was rated above fidelity. ity, in fact, was mentioned only four and in each case by a man, although was assumed that those answering the ques- ::u took for granted the faithfulness of their tes, As for relationships between husband and , ©o-operation outranked all the others. ar background, economic independence nd progressive interests were stressed. Mue $ud sharing of joys, sorrows and responsibilie were mentioned often. Understanding, , frankness and integrity were qualitieg were not slighted; neither were tolerance, , affection, a sense of humor and une A willingness to sacrifice, loyalty, heerfulness, self-control, forbearance and an tbjective point of view were featured. Before discussing-the findings of her sur- ey, Mrs. Woodhouse referred to some of the Rnent-dny marital difficulties which might ayoided if the inharmonious couples would only profit by the answers of the happily married pairs who gave their domestic happi- ness recipes in their questionnaire responses. “A great many young husbands today are old-fashioned,” she said. “They are ever 3o much more reactionary than their wives. They are actually a whole generation behind them in matters pertaining to psychology and sociol- ogy. Girls have kept abreast of the times in this respect, for in the last fifteen or twenty years psychology and sociology have done much to enlighten women. Girls have taken ad- vantage of.special courses in these flelds and the result is that they are far in advance of men. - - 8\ /OUNG husbands are still seeing the con- duct of marriage, the management of a bhome and the rearing of children through the eyes of their parents and the mirror of their own boyhood. - “Well, then, husbands must be less reaction- ary. They must accept the fact that the outworn methods their mothers employed in the management of a home and children are not entirely acceptable to the young wives of today, who are eager for newer ways and improvements, systems whereby their work will be lightened, scientific discoveries which they can apply to the rearing of their children. “But while husbands must change in this thorough success of marriage. It is no longer the style. Husbands of today will not tolerate heckling and scolding. Frank and open discussions have taken the place of the old-fashioned nagging wives used to ad- minister so ineffectively to their mates. The tendency today is to meditate, not to fight. We found, in checking the answers in our survey, that the happily married couples stressed the importance of ‘talking things out’ in an Jective way. *Young wives of today can also profit by certain set of replies in the survey. While grievances were comparatively few in this lected group of married couples, still some bands complained that the attention wives gave their children was out of all portion to the young folks’ needs, and busbands suffered thereby. It is quite there is a certain type of married woman is absorbed in her children to the virtual clusion of her husband, She forgets that owes him her time and attention, and that he would enjoy her society and companionship also. “She lives her life in and through her chil- dren. They are the important ones in her life gFEFsE. E ] 1 take and it eventually leads to trouble. A nege lected husband, who finds that he is being crowded out of his wife's affection and interests by his own children, eventually sceks solace and friendship elsewhere. “A dengerous age for women today is the Iate 30s or early 40s. They are emancipated from their children, who are away at school, and they do not know how to their time. They are at ‘loose ends.’ ‘That is, they aze if they have not fortified themselves for this period of their lives by acquiring an inter- est outside their homes, even though it be only & hobby. “As for the romantic tendency of the mod- ermm day, I think that young men and women are creating new ideal types. Men no longer demand superficial good looks, They select a girl for other things than the length of her eyelashes or the way her ringlets curl at the back of her neck. And young women do not concentrate on broad shoulders, dark, soulful eyes and the gallant manner. Both of the sexes are seeking more profound attributes, such as fine character qualities and adequate per- sonality.” Mrs. Woodhouse said that a multiplicity of essentials for successful family life was listed by the 344 individuals who figured in the survey, which proves that marriage is a big job, to be worked at systematically and with earnest enthusiasm to keep it running smoothly. “Attitudes, personal traits and relationships were stressed most heavily,” pointed out Mrs. Woodhouse, “Next came economic factors, then tagged n;n at the end. However, with the good mental health and household management which so many featured, physical health would follow. I [CIVE types of attitudes were mentioned, those having to do with the family group, to individuals in the family, to the relations be- tween husband and wife, to the attitude of par- ents toward children and of children toward parents. As for those referring to the family as a whole, recognition of individuality came first, and next came love, co-operation, common tastes and interests. Then mutual sharing of joys, sorrows and of responsibilities, industry, wide enough interests, comradeship, integrity, intelligence, happiness, responsibility. “Those mentioned a few times were open- mindedness, justice, security, contentment and ambition in the family as a group. “And those qualities which applied to the in- dividual were similar to those given for the family as a group. The most were un- derstanding and insight, followed closely by frankness. This trait was qualified in many different ways, but it was easy to see that what was meant was & frank attitude in family af- fairs, but tempered with tact and politeness. After that came tolerance, affection, sympathy, unselfishness, a sense of humor. And other essentials listed, although less frequently, were a willingness to sacrifice, loyalty, cheerfulness, self-control, forbearance and an objective point of view. “Co-operation far outranked all others in the relationship between husband and wife. Then came emotional dependence and companion- ship, and after that, in smaller numbers, con- fidence, common policy in decision-making, equality, similar background, progressive inter- ests, economic independence, interesting work for both mates. Fidelity was mentioned only four times, and by men, who, doubtless, took the existence of fidMlity for granted. Through- out there was little difference between the re- plies of both men and women. Both agreed that the ideal husband or wife was an optimistic person, one with a saving sense of humor, a ‘fine person,’” with qualities which made him or her easy to live with, and particularly worth while; in short, an ‘adequate personality.’ “Between parent and child it was the atti- HE is companionable, cour- teous and genial, has a good mind. good judgment and common sense, and a sympa- thetic, thoughtful, understand- ing and unselfish disposition. . . . is affectionate and fond of children. . .". is honest and loyal and has a sense of humor. . .. is broad-minded. social- minded and progressive. . .. has a happy disposition and is optimistic and enthusi- astic. ...is a strong peno:: cou- . energetic, ambatious, ;:::::. ::wiucing. daring, dy- namic. . .. is responsible, practical, accurate, conscientious. .. .is level-headed, has o se of justice, is self-con- :r.:lled. careful, philosophical, dignified. tude of the parents which was stressed. Strong emphasis was put upon the importance of knowledge of child training and psychology. Encouragement of growth of independence was set forth, interest in children's doing and wel- fare, continuing growth of parents with chil- dren, solving their own emotional conflicts and not using children as outlets, expecting obedi- ence, were all set forth. Regarding their views, the reports from the husbands showed the provision of a happy and comfortable home as the objective uppermost in their minds, and this was listed by one- fourth. The desire to make their wives happy and contented was listed often. Some wished to assist in their wives’ self-development and individual freedom, to make her an equal com- panion and partner, to support her fully in the management of the family and to share re- sponsibilities withr her. A few of the husbands had as objectives the desire to interest their wives in their work and maintain the wives® interests in them. “As for their own lives, most of the hus- bands mentioned a desire to make good in their chosen work; next, to enjoy the family and to be happy, healthy, develop as an indi- vidual, be useful, achieve freedom from finan- lcl,l.l worries, keep active and lead a balanced e: HFROI( & social point of view, the objectives were to have a few congenial friends of the type to develop one’s personality and to lead an informal and not meaningless soclal life. Most of the husbands wished to keep the social life of the family at a minimum, snd this may have been due to the fact that they were busy men with little time for soclal activie ties. Financial objectives were modest; to have enough for a comfortable living without worry and enough for emergencies was typical. As for their children, they wished to give them every chance for the fullest possible develop- ment and happiness, “With few exceptions the men gave their wives first mention as being the important factors in helping to gain their objectives. “As for the specific question, ‘What have been and are the factors and things which have made your marriage happy, satisfying and suce cessful?’ the wives, in answering it, put first the importance of companionship with their husbands, a companionship made possible bee cause of congenial tasies, same ideals, common interests and common friends. Love, doubtless, was assumed as present, but it was mentioned by fewer persons than was companionship and other factors. * “Next on the list came the fact that the wife had interesting work or outside interests of her own and freedom of personality. Next came children, factors in the husband’s chare acter, such as understanding, confidence, co- operation. Heal 8 good home, no outside interference in f: life, were all meutioned as were pride in the husband’s achievement, an objective point of view, a sense of humor, worth-while friends and life in a desirable community. - “Husbands listed companionable, common tastes, ideals jand friends. They also men- tioned mutual understanding and accommoda- tion, love, children, special qualities in the wife’s character. Men did not stress freedom of personality nor money matters as often as d;‘t;e the wives. Also they stressed health less often.” Mrs. Woodhouse holds it is essential that more specific provisions should be made for education for marriage. She said: “Success seems to be closely related to the ability to see a problem and attack it from an objective point of view. We should have more definite training aleng the lnes dealing with famfly relatiaws® Copprieht, 1931.)