Evening Star Newspaper, January 31, 1926, Page 85

THE NDAY STAR, WASHINGT( D. ¢, JANUARY 31, 1926—PART' 8. Surveymg Our Home and Forelgn Affairs and High-Speed Selling Getting a Rest From Grinding Routine Sometimes Ends in Marvelous Climax BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Ishmahallah, the great East- ern Put and Take, once said to his Dancing Dervishes, “'Boys, what you need is a little rest and change; no one can keep up the breakdown you are dancing without inviting a breakdown of the other sort, and believe you me, the Invitation will sure be accepted And the truth of 1l bit of medical advice certainly to I and Georze, that's my not long ngo when we was the end of our tether. Iy sure what a tether is know everybody ner or later they come to the it the same s with their ap perdizes, suvingsaccounts and ete Well anyways, we was both of us at t 10f ours, «nd without the faint- est jdea of where were we to get an- other, all due to overwor T and he got to talking it over one night I tell you what, says George. 1 am absolutel wore out with the strug- to keep going. Sometimes 1 won is it really worth the trouble after where will my efforts land us any- 2 We will never be rich, great ing fishcakes, he says, I wisht wis rich like them J. John | Goofnahs, and could be down to Palm Lieach, just laying around in the sun shine, doing nothing but beach comb- | ing and throwing dollur bills for the | hell-hops to dive for and such idle | ~ports, he says. (iee it must be great 1o do’ absolutely nothing like them millionaires do, or 1 should say, don't, only think what a rest that must be. Rut, he says, do T get to do it? My dish is out of bed before it's light, Lut not before it's cold, shake myself into my pants, shake the furnace, shake the snow off the door mat, shake little coffee down my throat, Leat it into the train for tow! from then on, it's one long, struggle, commencing with o free-for- | 0 seat. to reach the subway live, he other end, to get into it without being squoze flat, 1o suffer the siings und arrows and elbows of the | mob, and then wrestle all day with my job at the office with the refreshing prospect of making that trip in dupli- cate when the day’s work is alleged to | be done. I tell you what, Jennie, says George, | T zin't got the strength for it, and I | about ready to cush my last cheque. | Heavens knows it don't seem right for | some fellers to have all the best of it, leisure, sunshine, rest and enjo the same as them Goofnahs, have to work and live like 1 do. ain’t no justice! * % OT BOZO! says, why George Jules, listening to_vour line, why any person would think you had a corner on all the hard luck in the world. Ifow about me” Maybe you think it rests me to get up and start your | coffee at seven g.m. and that the one ambition T got is to live the miseruble, arrow life I do, with only my Ladies’ Thursday Club for a intellectual ac- tivity? T wouldn't very much care to lead the life of Riley for a while, my- self, oh no! I don't need no rest. or change or anything, not very much! Hig-hearted Luke, you are, think- inz only of vourself, but if you be- lieve the clank of dirty dishes is music 10 my ears now, the way it admittedly was the first week we was married, well, if you believe that. you better change, on account I am fully as tired out as you are. When I ‘think of them Goofnahs basking idly in the sun, being wheeled around Palm Beach In out-size baby carriages, rest. ng and relaxing again and again in the peaceful quiet, I could bite nails. Well. just as I got through saying | ihis, what would Llow only the post. man’ whistle, and I went and answered, and of all things, it was a letter from Florida and the Goofnahs, and for one awful second I had the same feeling as when you have been talking about a person and they sud- denly walk into the room. The letter | was addressed to 1 and Geo. both and it run to this effect. ““The Breakus, Palm Beach, “Dear Jennie and George: “Well dear friends, here we are down in Florida, as you perhaps aul- ready guess from the above address. iiverything is lovely and we wish all our friends could share it, especially the expense. But dear friends, ow- ing to the fact every time we turn over, we also turn over a big profit on real estate, we are writing to ask will you both come down on a visit? Now don't be offended, take it in the spirft in which it is offered, we don't want it to cost you one cent, we will stand r. r. fare and all. So please accept inclosed 2 way tickets, wire us at train to meet and come along isband, ail suff ment, | nd 1| There ® ® Fla. this wonderfully | has one, and | fand all, | mentioned it sad! { for them. | present for “WE FLUNG A COUPLA BU! | |1 | office | dow as the Every Man Able to Become His Own Hero, With the Aid of These Twice-Told Tales BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. I (The familiar story about him- sclf by the commercial traveler who sold goods to the man who was regarded as impossible.) 7 HAT,” they sald, “you're getting _off at Midge- ville? You're going to give the Jones Hard- ware Company a try, #h?" And then they all started laugh- ing and giving me the merry ha! ha! Well, I just got my grip packed and didn’t sy a thing and when the train slowed up for Midgeville, out 1 slid. ve my love to old man Jones, one of the boys cdlled after me, “and yourself a couple of porous plas ters and a pair of splints before you tackle him!™ And then they all gav me the ha! ha! again out of the win- rain pulled out Well, T walked uptown from station’ to the Jones Hardware ¢ pany. “ls Mr. Jones in the asked of the young behind the counter. “He' | right,” he s he looked ut my K shall 1 say the fellers in the just “What kinda that n: ip ue says he, | pityingly. TO THE ATTENDANTS AND RUSHED OVER TO THE LUNCHEON.” to the orange blossom State and ge £00d thorough rest and change. “\ith love and kisses “Lissle and J. J. Goofnah.' 11, Tl bite, says Geo.. wh Oh Geo! 1 there air cateh, lookit the real, genuine tickets oh dearest. can’t we go Why only think it won't cost us cent, anld lookit the rest and every: thing and not a penny expense! Geo. give a sniff. Out of the question. he says, we couldn't wecept any such thing. and w would we do Junior, and how would 1 get trom the office” And I says, don’t see how I could leave my und then there's this house. et a W 'S the away | guess it is nnpoumm-. - O having made up our mind firmly it couldn't be donme, why Geo. to his boss and his at once what nonsense, Jules, you mustn't miss a chanct like that. take part of your Summer’s va cation now, don't be silly. And mentioned how sad it was we couldn't £o to that Mabel Bush, the one that's boss says married to Joe Bush of the Hawthorne | Club, who never done a obliging thing for me in her whole entire life. And Mabel says now don't be ridiculous. dear, of course you are gonner go and leave Junior with me, I will be de- lighted to tulte care of him. Two is no more trouble than one, and you can send us some grapefruit if you like. Well naturally after that there didn’t seem to be no escape, and the first thing_we realized, 1 bad spent $150 on Summer clothes Geo. had dug into his old jeans to get himself a flock of wash ones, and we had bought a coupla new suitcases, good ones, there being no economy in get- ting them things too cheap, on ac- count a person will always find use Then we got a new hat-box. come shoes, a few et cetegus, a nice Issie Goofnah, & box of high class cigars for J. J. and at last, almost before we knew it, we was on the train, started on our perfectly ex- pense-free trip to the Sunny South. And believe you me, when we got on that train we were some tired out. Getting ready for rest like that was no joke, what with closing up the house, getting Junior packed and in- structed and over to the Joe Bushes, und etc. But as the pullman pulled out we give a big sigh of relief and sank, for once speechless. into our places, looking forwards to the delight ful time of ease and idleness which was certainly coming to us in ever: meaning of the words. Well, after considerable hesitation the train decided to reach Florida, where it commenced right at Jackson- ville to show great reluctance to move ahead more than I ft. at any one time. But we didn't mind so much on account of for the first time seeing palms and palmetto and sand and sun- shine and sunshine and sand and palms und palmettoes, one right after the other over and over again. Also oranges and grapefruit ing on trees instead of on frui grow- nds, with | | And tion which seemed awful unnatural. | when at last we come into the st |at Palm Beach, why the r Goofnahs waiting for us in depot and white flannels, and the | thing they sayx is hello Tolks, | to see you. hurry up, jump in the | we just zot time to Ket on ow |and make the bathing hou So we jumped in the car and was Ahirled off to the wh and dashed intc our suits so’s not to keep them waiting, and we rushed through and went swimn That is to say we got our feet fairly wet along with sume of the most socially elite dogs in the county, hut befor we got In as far as our knees, Lssie comme yvelling 1o to y, dears, she siys, we got to get the Patio to lunch with the Astor bilts and if we rush we will be just the conventional half h ate. o naturally 1 and George tore off our suits before the Lathhouse doc was fairly shut behind us, flung on our luncheon outfits, flung & bucks to the attendants, and uver to the luncheon, * % ll sure was a prett; we ate, or o I believe it would of been if we had had time to see it, but we didn't, on account we had to rush through the meal in order to get to lawn fete given by Mrs. Villa Hspan gonla, where Essie seen to it that we didn’t spend too much time, as we wus due at Mr. Baccardi's cocktall party by then—past due, in fuc and didn't want us to draw unnecessary interest. Then, when we had snatched a sand wich and a_word two with hosts, why Essie explained where she hated to drag us away, but we hadder drop in at the Coeonut Grove and let the coconuts diop on us for a few seconds before we me and jumped into our dinner-harness as we | was expecting « little dinner party the first <o glad sufts Place where a Well says Georg way into the mean type of shirt which means more to men then any other, well, he says, this is the life. eh Jennie? After dinner, there w nothing to do until tomorrow, F was wrorg. After dinner we 1 tear over to Miss Nothing's, the gre: soclety leader’s, and, believe you me she sure led us some! She led us on |to Count Seven's Swudio for a little | dar after which we closed the Club Montmarte, and eventually closed our eves. But not am. J. J for long. Early the next himself was pounding at the door. and up we got to do a few rounds of golf, ich there was a porch breakfas at | Landscape time the ham and eges a la Ritz was served we had to leave the par . on account it was time to rus into r bathing suits and tear ove to the beach. so late our toes was all that got w Junt we had to fly over to the and have lunch with A s was them | [ the come oupla | rushed | | most | common the while fighting his | | Patio with Miss Nothing's party | after th e we was | It hurry o the Padder ) fsed A would join for wn early dane that we would desce kes 14 few bouneing on to tea After which pecple drop usual re had to te was really too had but 1 olives and we hadder | th me we come celery course, we sie had prom we el Iso Van fore | Miss Nothing's having inner that we simpl clothes in orde a ' in hefor and afte n hour late to dinner lev's with the Astorbilts, My Miss Nothing, Mr. & Mrs. Gardens, and all h we hadn't " the 5 in so long wh ‘\ "R whi we * Twenty-One, but hand was all dealt, away from there, on account we should of been over at the Poinclana Ball simply ages ago. and it was neces. sary to run right alon we could never el away In tir to join the crewd at Whiteball in time to go on to the Free-For-All-Fight ut the Ever- | glades, from which we re g.nngi right on in lathing. because there | would be no time for bed that night. | And enyway, old deah, it would be suelt @ Jolly Tark 1o stay up il night, In fact, as far as I and Geo. could make ouz, larks or parrots or anyt usually did stay up all night down in fact night birds was the usual variety—not the most nothing down to Palm Be: was common except the folks a person didn’t know. Well, after bathing, I and Essie | snatched awuy w little time and done | some hurried shopping, vn account 1| i by then wore everything [ owned | once, which was too many times ac- | cording to standards. So T picked up | tew darling frocks at $175.00 up per | 1ch. and slipped into one just in time to slide out of it and into another in time to be late to lunch over at the | from had to make a frantic dive. | over to Mr, Buccardis | And et And ete Until the | the week when the Goofnahs | off There was only in the house and the heaviest they took him to the | train on that, while I made out pretty sood on one of the Spanish-type shui- ters from the dining room window. | I, at least, had strength enough left to give our remaining four dollars and twenty-five cents 1o the hoy who dusted off the shutter for me, and our kind hosts, who had give us this grend expense free trip, to the chou-choo to see the last of us, and Hot Bozo, the last was about right. But I never forget my man- | | ners, and [ managed to raise my head s they put me on the train. Thank | you so much, dear, I says fee for the lovely rest and change. My | change is all gone, and Il tell the world that you can keep the rest! (Conyrizht. 1026.) iy we hadde which soup. fishfry end of seen one guest-stretcher | since George was Twin Explains World Court Machinery Without a Single Fact to Bother Him AM HELLMAN. HAT.” asks the misses, “is all this stuff about the World Court I been reading “It all depends.” I tells her, “on what paper you been read- ing. Oneof 'em ‘Il tell you itsa scheme 1o drag the United States into a lotta REuropean rows and shake flock of jack out of Uncle Sam's jeans: another’ll tip vou that it's a_grand scheme to make a tramp out of w: “What do you think about it” quires the wife. “Well,” says T, “the way 1 figures it, this county’'s big enough to take a’ chance at anything once. 1f we finds out later on we've been pulled into a badger game they ain't no- body strong enough to keep us from breaking down the door und getting out.” “How is this court going to work?"” Kate wants to kno don’t know sa much about it," T ns, “but—-" I'm sure of that,” cuts in the frau, sweetly, “but I'm tired of listening to the radio and I'd just as soon hear you adeast from station BLAIL' 1 don't know so much about it." T goes on coldly, “but if I was to forget all I ever did know I'd still have enough info left to make you one of the smartest, women in the world." lost my chance for that,” re- marks the misses, “when I traded a perfectly good ‘yes' for a phony wed- ding ring: but tell me about the court.” “It’s ke this,” says I. “Suppose vou and I was to have a row. “You mean another row, don't you? suggests Kate. “Instead of me taking a poke at vou,” I continues, “like I should ought 0, we takes our troubles to a court. The judges listen to both sides of the case, mine because 1 got a case and vour's because you think you have one, and then they decides. You and e, being members of the court, is got 10 accept their decision.” suppose I refuse to, what then?” demands the misses. ““Then the court takes steps to make vou behave.” I explains. “They would i:lockade your house, for instance, and 114 in- food in. If that 1 go further vet. they do?” wouldn't let an, didn’t work, th “What else could Kate. “In your cast 1 tells her, “it would be easy to make you surrender. All the court would have to do is cut off your party line and you'd dle of a lack of scandal in no time. That's the big idea of the World Court. Now do you get ™" “No, T don't. “Suppose,” 1 returns, “Italy and Serbla were having a iuss over a boundary line or something. Instead of shooting each other up, they take their troubles to the court and every thing’s settled without a war. That's plain, lan't 12" ‘Maybe that would work all right with the little countries,” agrees the frau, “but suppose the fuss was to be between England and the United States and the court ordered the United States to give up Texas, let's sy, to England.” “You mean what would happem,” T ks, “if England preferred to go to war rather than take Texas Don't be sill: snaps Kate. “I nt to understand this business. What would happen if the United States refused to hand over Texas “Well," says I, “I suppose all the other countries in the court would blockade the United States and starve it into surrender.” ““What a swell chance,” exclaims the wife, “to starve out the United States! The only thing a blockade would do would be to - starve the blockaders to death.” 1 never thought of that,” T admits, suppose in a pinch all the rest of the countries In the court would atart a war with the United States." “I thought the court was golng to end all wars?" sneers Kate. ““What of it?" I snaps. metimes you got to have a war to end a war, just like you've got to give folks poi- son to kill the effects of another kind of poison. Cutting off a guy's leg ain't & nice, peaceful measure, but it might be the only step to save a bim’s life.” “Then you think the court would work all 1ight?” remarks the misses. “T told you I only thought it was worth trying,” says lQ “You admits snaps the wife, it would work with the little countries. Did you ever stop to think that mo of the big wars have been started by the little countries? Big countries like England, the United States and France are too busy making money to jump into wars without good reason. Them boys in the Balkans ain't got no business or nothing to keep 'em hus- tling, and they start a war over there just for the fun of the thing. Any kind of a court that'd make those kids { behave would go a long way towar putting war on the bum. “I should imagine" suggests the frau, *“that the United States and England could get together by them- selves and stop war. Who is there in Surope that would start anything with those two countries together? Maybe nobody would,” 1 agrees, ‘but who then would stop the United States and kngland from grabbing off anything they wanted?" As far as I'm concerned.” returns Kate, “they ought to have anything they wanted.” “That,” I remar ould be a love- 1y song to sing in Paris or Berlin. Don't you fizure those folks some rights, too?” “We got to make some sacrifices to get peace,” returns Kate. “Sure,” says I You don't care who makes the sacrifices as long as it isn't us. The whole idex of the World Court is to give the little fellers as square a shake as the big ones. In- stead of a World Court, you want to start another World War. As a mat- ter of fact, though, you're right, in a way. Even if they do put over a ‘World Court the chances are that it will be run by the United States, Eng- land and France."” “Yes,” agrees the misses, “but who's gonna keep those three from getting into fusses?” “The rate of exchange for the next 50 years,” I tells her. “They ain’t a chance of England or France going in for a big war for half a century, anyhow, and by that time 1 figures labor and the women vote is going to be so strong that there won't be a chance of voting a war. Besides that, inventlons is going to Kkill off the chances of war." “How do you mean?"” asks Kate. “Well," says I, “if French airplanes have ! could fly over London and smother all the people to death with poison gas, you got to remember that an Eriglish ajrplane could fly over Paris and the same thing. The result is gonna be that all the countries are going to be scared to death of each other, and you can't get a guy to kill another Dird it he knows he’s going to be kil himself in the process. Am I right “You mever have been,” applauds the frau. (Copyright, 1926.) — g Gns Bomb for Colds. WO San Francisco chemists have just perfected a chlorine gas bomb which makes possible the use of chlo- rine gas for the treatment of colds in the home, where the same resuits are obtained as with more elaborate appa- ratus, in fact, eliminates the neces- sity of going to some central source for treatment, with possible exposure to bad weather and further lowering of body resistance. The chlorine gas bomb is made of glass and contains nothing but pure filtered chlorine gas. To use it, the patient takes the bomb in a closed room and breaks off the ends of the bomb, thus permitting the Zas to escape and mingle with the air in the room. The patient remains in this gas-filled room for one hour. ’ Invented the Omelette. a tombstone near Dijon, France, is this _epitaph. ‘“Here lies, mourned by his family and lamented by his patrons, Plerre Mercier, restau- rant manager, 1848-1903. He was the inventor of the famous Mercier ome- lette, the recipe for which his son, living in the Rue Dijon, this city, is the sole proprietor = To Prevent Window Frost. 1E formation of frost on windows | here to | the | re 12 come down | | ation like that { thi “Don’t say any b all.” 1 savs, “just open the door me in.’ Well, there old man Jones. was sitting scowling over his desk | gnawing his pen in that way he has. | He jerked me a onceover when 1 | came in, “See here, young man.” he snorts, “you can't sell me no hard he say “Mr. Jones, to sell you sell * 1 says, “I don't want ny hardware. I'm not 1 any hardware. I/ know,” T says, “as well as you do,” I says, “that I couldn’t sell you any hardware if T tried to,” I says “But,” T says, “I guess it don't do 1 and show you s Y + hardware s e tine in here”—and he off sideways and | WKking for something ung ampl Iy turn, ht he was “That's all rig says, “that’s all ose my tin of this roc ¥ rs vou ening up My, Jones” 1 righ I'm here to But I'm not going out till you take a look. any at some of this cutlery I'ni 1 at 1l Just e - th off it oh, pshaw no knive throws my the end t knife.” look at it: cl the dozen t will last till you w sample case ’ “Look Junes at th & knt Tar he growled, wa there's knives \\\- . I knew he didn't want see” 1 knew it. But the way I open el up the sample case it showed up wihing in like | He | lany harm to open up this sunple case | “Ldon’t |1 says nives, | thousand adjustable burners. |line," T said, “MR. JONES." I SAYS WARE I'M \UT HERE T(i SELL feeling was, but a queer sense s it _there was something somewhere. Well, I'm not of a timorous dis position naturally—at least 1 don't think I am—but absolutely I felt as if 1 couldn’t stay in the room. I got up out of my chair and walked down the stairs, in the dark, to the dining room. I felt all the way as if some one were following me. Do you know, I was absolutely trembling when 1 got into the dining room and got the | lights turned on. T walked over to the sideboard ar | poured myself out a drink of whisk: nd soda. As you know, I never take |anything as a rule—or, at any rate Iy when I am sitting round talking as we are now—but I always lke 1o keep a decanter of whis in th hcuse, and a litte soda, in case of wife or one of the children being taken ill in the night. Well, I took a drink znd said to myself, 1 said, “See here golng to see this thing throngh. T turned back and walked straight upstairs again to my room. I fulls pected something queer v to_happen and wus prep then [ I'm for \OL \\\ "‘\RDW ARE.” I Y Just by accident 1o speak, of thuse new electric burner: able, you know—they'll tuke heat off uny size of socket you like and use it for any mortal thing in the house. | 1 saw old Jones had his eye on them in a minute. “What's those things vou got there?” he growls, “thuse in the bo: “Oh, said, “that's just a new he boss wanted me to take along: some sort of electric rig for heating.” 1 said, “but I don't think there's anything to it. But here, now, Mr. Jones, is w spoon I've got on this trip—it's the new Delphide- you can't tell that, sir, from silver, ¥ sir,” I AYS I defy any man, It v down, to tell that there Del phide from genuine refined silver, and thexre a spoon that'l 1 “Let me see one of those burners,” uts in old man Jones Well sir, in about I minutes more, had one of the burners fixed on to he light socket, and old Jones, with coat off, boiling water in a tin of ‘the store) and timing it . his watch. The next day 1 pulled into Toledo d went and joined the other boys to the Jefferson House. “Well,” -y says, “have you got that plaster *and started in to give me the ha! again. “Oh. 1 don't know," I gue this is some plaster, isn't it?” and I took out of my pocket an order from old man Jones for two at four- “Some plaster, on ha! twenty with two off len?" 1 says Well, sir, looked sick. Old man Jones gets all his stuff from our house now. Oh, he ain't bad at all when you get to know him. the boys | 1 (The well known story told by the man who has once had a strange psychic experience.) .....What vou say about presenti ments reminds me of a strange ex- perience that I had myself. 1 was sitting by myself one night | very late, reading. 1 don't remember just what it was that I was reading. I think it was—or no, I don't re member what it was. Well, anyway., I | was sitting up late reading quietly till it got pretty late on in the night. I don’t remember just how late it was—half-past I think., or per- haps S—or, no, 1 don't remember. But. anyway, 1 was sitting up by mysell very late. reading. As [ say, {it was late, and after all the noises in the street had stopped the house somehow scemed to get awfully still and quiet. Well, a sudden I became uaware of u sort of strange feeling—1 hardly know how to de- ribe it—1 seemed to become aware of something, as if something were near me. 1 put 1 1 book and looked nothing. I but T hadn't or say o page down my around, but could started to read again, read more thun a page, {and w half—or no, page—when again all of a sudden I thing. I can't explain just what the not more than a | felt an overwhelming sense of—some- | wilker g, or But do rou kn when 1 into the room again. the feel sentlment, whatever it ad had, was absolutely was my book Iy ju. |1eft it and the reading Lamp still buri ing on the table, just as it had bec |and my chair just where T had pus bac! But 1 nothing, absolute! nothing waited « while but still T felt nothin T went downst: Ain. 10 put ou the lights in the dining room. I nc ticed, as I passed the sideboard, that I was still shaking a little. So I to a small drink of whisky—though a rule I never care to take more tha! one drink—unless when I am sittin: talking as we are here Well, I had har I felt an odd sort of —a sort of drow in a din 1 reme nest m And here’s the part of I had hardly down to the offi after breakfast when [ got a wire tell me that my nd cousin had broken his toe in Cincinnati. Strange wasn't it? No, not at half-past during the night—that's the inexpli able part of it. Ie had broken it a half-past 11 the morning hefore But notice it was half-past It each case. That's the queer w these things go. Of course 1 don't plain it. I suppose it that I am telepath imagine that, if I w get spirit messuges f thing. But 1 {1 Gon't want to Eh? Thank | seldon: take thay was There where T had taken it when hed, and the woke etend simpl —that's al nted to, 1 coul nd all that kir 1 somehow th: to « i 1 wiil, thoug than—than soda i 1 more i ‘How to Relieve Situation at the Hotel When All Travelers Arrive at Same Hour BY RING LARDNER. Where T live ween infested by uned Dinto w that oved here from Wisconsin wnd some of the folks that has him claim is off his nut ay, but personly him a whole lot less dumber than his er nd if « few of the idears which he has expressed in my hearing was carried out thix world would Le pleasanter place to live in. Mr. Glow was setting in the living im waste basket the other night, ading what the papers had to sy about the coal shortage and hunger | and misery in gen. amongst the poor If they don't like their 1 Swmmy.” he commented, and left the rest to the imagination. *“The umount of unnecessary suffering is ious,” he went on. “and most of it is directly attributable to dumbness. Here is an article written by a re- went to Hell's Kitchen to He found one COMPO: miother and 4 dozen children thinly sed, shiver- ing with cold und without nothing to eat since the previous meal. The ! children were ravenous. “Now they no excuse for a situ- 1f T had 4 dozen chil- dren 1 would divide them into 3 squads of 16 each like the Tiller girl and I would fix up Eskimo or Nuutl or Russian dances for them, or an: dances that required warm, hea tumes, then I would get them those costumes and they would find that the ‘kness of the clothes, combined with the exercise of dancing, would «won have them sweating like a stoker and wishing they were touring Labra- dor in the altogether. As for being ravenous, what can they espect if they haven't eat nothing for 24 how theugh personally if I have got plenty to drink and smoke 1 don't want no food. But if they want it, I don't know no city in the world that has €ot more restaurants than N. Y. and any policeman can direct them to one. They have a nice special steak for 49 at one place. They serve it on a barge. It is too big to entirely smother with onions, but a similar effect is obtained by having the idle waiters line up along both walls and throw onions at the walters who are towing in the barge. ““I will never forget one night I was in a party of 50 and we ordered one of these steaks. When the barge was finally brought in and tethered, one of the guests, a Mr. Sko from Escrow, said he preferred his steak with mush: rooms. ‘But when we serve steak a la barge,’ said the head thug, ‘it takes met o ite prodig- | | the | Angeles' as | climate I have found scenery and wonderful meals on | ‘nele | room mush turned shroom that there ain't for mushrooms.” This ugh on the house physicis for o few moments no one was him self.” “Or g to Los Glow. “Great Wonderful the point out that it is why don't they * continued Mr. and great food. train. You ma 3300 miles from > ber that with the mother included there is 49 in the family and suppose they invite a friend to go along with them to_muke it 50. \Well, 50 into| 00 is 70, or T0 miles It is almost. that far to Trenton and you |don’t never “MR. GLOW SEEMED TO BE OUT OF . Y. Yes, but remem- | | At this pt. Mr. Glow craw [the basket and executed | whorls on the false luwn. “On the way here from the middle West,” he went on, “I stopped over in Pittsburgh, arriving there one morn- (ing and leaving the next. Well, | stopped at a hotel which 1 won't tell you the nume of it because that would {be advertising. Well, 1 had wired uhead for a reservation, but when 1 | 2ot to the hotel 1 had to stand in line for a i; hr. wile other gents was waited on. They must of been 40 or 50 of us all told. Well, as I stood | there grousing because my dogs was tirel and down and take a nap. the idear come tu me that these kind of conditions led out m some ‘WHORLS, AND NOW PRO- CEEDED TO PRACTICE™ 1! i re and I wanted to lay ' |mum be very easi the railroads or the hotels l “The way things is now, everybod: [ ®ets to town at the sume time in the | morning and they all go to the best most convenient hotel. Eut if the rail roads was to fix up their time tables { <o that trains would keep arriving day and pight at intervals of a hr, in stead of all getting in at o K {a.m.. why the immigration into given city would be scattered thro the 24 Ers. and not all bunched gethe: supplement this improvemen the best hotel might send out a letter a 1000 people or whatever numbe as got rms. for a these pe ple that they the 1000 people w will be welcome in future as guests Number each one o 1000 « ble guests and when for 1 happens to come to town to stay over night, give him the key to room 67 and he can run right up there and ge: his shoes off without no standir around the lobby all day on his ¢ and other people’s dogs waiting for « room that is supposed to be ready fo him. At the same time, the hotel would send out other letters to every body not included amongst the 1000 and tell them hereafter to go soms wheres else as they are not wanted.” Mr. Glow seemed to of ran out o 12 whorls and now proceeded to “pra tice. Since coming to Great Neck,” explained, laying a dress vest on his knee and rapidly eaquipping it with buttons produced from his pocket, 1 have been invited to dinner 4 times but each invitation came at 5 minutes to 8 and the dinner was set for 8. Or each occasion I therefore hud to sav 1 was sorry, but my vest butto wasn't in and1 couldn't possibly put them in and still get there in time for_dinmer. So my prospective host | or hostess would say they was sorr: { t00, and hang up. Now I have got that game bear Every night at 7 o'clock 1 put on n dress trousers. shirt. socks, shoes, col {lar, tle and suspende Then T set down right in front of the telephone. |1t it ever rings again at 5 minutes 1 will take off the receiver. holler yes thank you, hang up and star throwing buttons into my vest. 1 have been practicing just 5 days and can already equip the vest completeiy in 2 min. §9-10 sec.” Mr. Glow now began jerking aroun as if something bulge “Unloosen your shi him. He hastily unbuttoned the top 3 but tons of the garment referred to and what should fly cut but a covey of wild pheasants. Tie T advised If Mussolini Has Right Thumb Insured, Is That the One He Keeps Others Under? BY ED WY Dear Mr. T bought a° new pair of shoes. When I got home I found I couldn’t get them on my feet. What shall I do? Yours truly, 1. M. PERTURBED. Answer—They are probably like all new shoes. You won't be able to get them on till you've worn them a while. Dear Mr. Wynn: Can you tell me which is the most useful to us—the “moon” or the “sun”? Truly yours, S. TRONEMER. Answer—The moon is, because it gives us more light at night when it is so dark. The sun shines only in the daytime, when we don't need it. can be reduced materially by rub- bing the inside of the glass with a so- lution of glycerin and alcohol. The solution is made by dissolving a tea- spoon of the glycerin in half a pint of alcohol. Apply the mixture to the glass with a tan rag. Dear Mr. Wynn: I read in the newspaper that a well known shoe- maker was arrested for bigamy. He has two wives. The verdict is that he must give one some money and live with the other. Which wife do 1 ! J you think he'll live with—his first or his second wife? Yours truly, MARY WONCE. Answer—If he is a shoemaker, as you say, and if he is a good shoe- maker, he will stick to his last. Dear Mr. Wynn: I live in a little town in which is situated the State insane asylum. They have a tower on the main building with a large clock in it, but the clock is always one or two hours too early or too late. Do you think it is proper to have a clock that isn’t right in a State insti- tution. Yours truly. 1. M. KNUTTY. Answer—It is perfectly proper in the case you mention. The reason they have that clock in the insane asylum is because it is not right. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a girl 18 years of age, and a boy the same age is going to call on me tomorrow night. I guess I'm a little too old- fashioned for these modern boys. What I want to know Is this: If he A kisses me, shall T scream for my family? Yours truly, HOPE HEESGOOD. Answer—Not unless you want him to kiss them, too. Dear Mr. Wynn: The other day 1 was laid flat on my back by an attack of peritonitis. Now I am unable to work. What shall I do? Sincerely, N. VALID. Answer—Report to the Government &t once that you have been attacked by peritonitis. Something should be done to teach a lesson to these for- eigners. Dear Mr. Wynn: My uncle, a man about 40 years of age, has a habit 1 cannot understand. Every night just before he gets into his bed he puts some money under his pillow. Can you tell me why? Sincerely, AL E. GATOR. Answer—That is very simple. He puts money under his pillow so0. he feels that he has something to fu back on. Dear Mr. Wynn: I hear that Mus solini has insured the thumb on his right hand for $100,000. How can his right thumb be so valuable? Yours truly, I. TALIAN. Answer—It is probably the thumb he keeps the people under. Dear Mr. Wynn: A friend of mine sald he painted a picture of a chicken and it looked so natural that when he put it on his desk it laid there. Do you believe h Yours trul MINNIE M Next week. THE PERFECT MM Answer— FOOL. Ed Wynn, as he has often told you. one of ihe wisest men in the worl! sees all: he knows all. Do you think v c tump him with any kind of a ques tion? 1f you do. send 1t to him 'in care of the' editor "of (hib Daper and Waich for his ly. gk (Caprrisht. 10369 He