Evening Star Newspaper, March 29, 1925, Page 77

George and the Family Have Splendid Time Celebrating, But Get the Wrong Cue When They Come Home to Dinner After Hard Day’s Labor. BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Carrie Nation, the famous sword dancer, used to say, “You can't fool all the people all of the time, especially on April Fool's Day.” And 1 learned last year how true ie saying Is when at breakfast 1 and George, that's my husband, found where Junior had put a little dash of salt in the sugar bowl. The worst of this Columbus stuff was that I didn’'t get hep until the first gulp of coffer was well down. When Junior seen my face he give a happy holler and says April Fool! Well, George give that the ha, ha, 100, but my sense of humour wasn't working so very good right then, #nd I got sore. Say Junior Jules, T says to him, if you wasn't late for school, I'd punish You good for that! Just walt until you come home tonight! Well Junior was starting right en, with a few remarks as he went, h as aw Ma, that was only fun, Ma, today is April Fools, you can do anything you want to this day, that's what it's for. And I says run along, get out of this now, I like my salt my toma and when want it in coffe 1 you Well, uo sooner was that of the house then George quit tug und gathered hisself up in to fill his usual on the munter's Special Now mnow, Jennie, mustn't get mad at count he plays a few tricks on us. Here, he says, slip- Ping something into my hand, cheer . forget it, and go buy yourself 2 new hat. Oh George! I says, you are a dear, thank you a lot We was at the door by this time, and as he went out, he looked back, laughing. April Fool! he says, hur- Tving off down the street. .1 opened up my hand, and there, instead of a ten dollar bill like I had expected, kid out laugh- Com- he says Junior on natural you ae- kid 1 | HAVE BEEN A EX “IF ALL THE FELLERS THAT ROCK BOATS HAD BEl HAUSTED BUNC BORN ON APRIL FIRST, THE STO! H OF BIRDS THE MORNING AFTER.” KS MUST So T merely says, say Mabel, did you hear that Old General Bluster was dead? And she says my heavens, no when? And I says well, I didn't was a plece of newspaper. * % x % Y this time he was too for me to say far away anything to him without the neighbors all getting the dope, so 1 didn't lose my temp 1 merely slammed the door and broke & coupla dishes washing them, and knocked over a vase dusting the par- lor. and when Annie och, our| comparatively faithful ginger bread| Kitchen queen, come to do the wash- | ing, 1 was all like a hen on a bunch of snake’'s eggs. She hadn't been in the house over| minutes before she come to me with a long f Mrs. Jules, sha says, 1 guess I can’'t do no wash- ing today, they ain’t no hot water. Why, I says that ain't possible, 1 lighted the heater myself over a hour ugo. Then Annie Gooch commenced laugh- ing one of them big laughs of| hers, and s pril Fool, Mis' Jules, | de wash is in dem tubs already. And| 1 says pull one more of those, Annie, | and you will be in all the hot water You can use Naturally after three in a'row like that 1 was well on my guard when a| few minutes later Mrs. Joe Bush called me on the 'phone and she says to me I got a coupla matinee tickets, Jennie, she says, and I'd like to give them to vou Well wasn't going to fall that easy, 80 I says no thank you dear, I don’t care for them. And she says, well, I'm sorry, then T'll send them over to Miss Demeanor. And I says why don't you say April Fool? And she says why dear, is this April Fool's ay? And 1 says why my land didn't vou know, and she actually didn't I guess that Joe Bush of the Haw- thorne Club she fs married to ain't Kot much sense of humour. To begin | with if he ad, there would never| of been a wedding. And to end off| with he evidently hadn’t even played one April Fool trick on her so far She real d the tickets, so I had| lost a free show that could only be ®ot back by advertising, and natural- | J¥ 1 wasn't gonner ask for that palr of checks after turning them down so 1 [ positive. Doleful Outlook for the Race Forecast, hear it efther, April Fool, and hung up, glad to think we have got such a humorous family, we can all see a joke when the crack is broad | enough But I hadn't yet decided what would do to punish Junior and get even with George. And as I got thinking it over, they pick on the first day of April for tricks when such a lot of fool things § come naturally on all the 364 other days as well For a sample, 1 seen where noth- ing that Junlor or I or George had done that day was anywheres near as foolish as what I do any day in the vear when I misplace my temper. Or as what happens when George hits the ceiling and the family over something that don't amount to noth- ing, like the potatoes not being quite | been a exhausted bunch of birds the|jg; F cooked, but a cog slips at the office maybe, and he lets us have the bene- fit of it £ %w ¥ T don't take no First of April to bring out the bootleggers, nor to develop the all ‘round. everyday-in the-year fools who buy just to show that they can afford to let their spirits run high Then there come into the place where my mind ought to be the idea that bawling out folks that ain’t in a position to answer back, such as in the office or with the paid help at home, ain't exactly seasonal. I dunno s there a game law on the folks who do the bawling or not, but probably not, they don’t come under the head of game. And yet pretty near anyone of us will put theirself in that class every onct in whil And the worse of it fis, can't on 364 days of the year say “April Fool” as soon as we are sorr; Now laugh that one off! As far as T know, April ain't the only month when girls powder their noses or think nobody knows when they use a little rouge. As far as Jazz music goes, well to tell the right truth, 1 don’t really know what was the time of year when it was in- vented. but I will admit T got a strong susplcion it was In April, and not we 1 commenced to wonder why | their stuff, | any later then second. But its use ain’t confined to this particular month, In fact I guess it ain’t confined at all, and appears to | be getting less so with every new | record. Of course I and George much prefer the classic numbers, we only | Bet the others to keep up with what's going on in the world April Fool: April ain’t the month in which the flappers go around with fur on every place except the ones which need to be kept warm, such s the throat, legs, etc. And it ain’t even the month for female straw hats to show any more. January is the time for them. As every lady knows, the felts are stylish nowadays as soon as the sun bexins to get nice and warm on the head If all the fellers that rock boats and grab at the steering wheel of vour car had been born April First, | the storks of this country must of the day before the | morning after. The bores that don't know when to go home don't hold ]lhtxr annual convention in the second | month of Spring neither. That's the | trouble, they don't hold no conven- nary considerateness. The cubist painters and the modernest poets gc {around without a leash practically ny time of the year, and the male jelly-bean don’'t keep his trick flip- | per-flapper pants for any one particu- {lar day. April Fools! The ideal! | In other words, what I doped out, sitting there thinking while Annie | Gooch played a welcome tune upon | our washing machine, was that may- [be I wouldn't take no revenge on Junfor and George for the things they done to me. I declded where maybe it was kinda of a healthy business to set aside a day on which to make a fool out of any- body you could including vourself, if nature hadn't already beaten you to it. * x % x get up a paper and read it, unless forcibly prevented, at our Ladies be a serious one, see, full of words the girls wouldr't understand, so's | they couldn't hold me entirely re- | sponsible after. I would make in tion for some this essay a sug- tion at all, not even the ones of ordi- | mean | ND I also decided where 1 would| Thursday Club, and the paper would | of the seif-elected | censors of this country, showing where they might find a valuable and amusing fad. I would point out that they had ought to organize our national foollshness and pledge all cltizens not to be a fool except on April 1. Then, perhaps, we ocould tisfy this side of our natures on candy stuffed with red pepper, tacks in otherwise innocent chalrs, purses tled with actual strings and a'l other well known entries of the season A lot of international wars, family quarrels, senatorial fights, personal grudges and mother-in-law joke that are no joke when you have to live with them might be worked off in a healthy fashion this way, and if we would honest to goodness let go and play pranks all day on April 1 without any of us getting peeved, why a sensibler, kinder, saner year for one and all might be the result We would try and use up then all the foolishness we had on hand and, ozo! What a day it would be! | Well, anyway, that night I got up, {instead of a revenge, the very fan- THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, MARCH 29, 1926—PART 5. Japanese Dentist Reviews World Progress and Demonstrates Value of Laughing Gas When Schoolboy, Suffering From Toothache, Makes Visit. BY WALLACE IRVIN. To Editor The Star who are al- ways advertising for oocks in his Lost & Found Dept because cf so much danger working among & stoves. BAREST SIR:—I could not be there at Japanese Thinking , Soclety last Thurs p.m. be- cause my braln were being Jerked elsewhere by Dr. I Furoshima, Japanese dentlst, price §3 whether he pulls or not. When I go to that Furoshima office I feel pretty brave and Samural, yet he plunged me in a barber chalr & look very impertinent at the holes in my toothache “1 think by prying them up & filling the roots with carbolic acid I can save 2 of them, he dictate with & spy-glass down my throat. Then he stick a one-legged fork into my tooth, stroked it with a hammer & require, “Do it pain?” “Awk!" I yellup. “How ourio!" he narrafe. “Nearly all my patients says that. Mr. Togo, dia you ever take gas?” “One time,” I say #o, “when my Cousin .Nogi stoled my love & my derby hat for go to Traveling Sales- man Ball I nearly took some. But just that instantly Hon. Gas Co come downstairs & turn off meter because unpald. Therefore I were saved again” . “You should not take gas so light- 1y, narrate Hon. Dr. "“Gas are no longer used merely for cooking, sui- clde & lighting pupposse. It are the most umportant dishoovery of mod- ern times. Yes indeedly! Very sensa- tionous, Yes indeedly, Indeed! New papers are filled with ft. “I notice that frequently. from me. “The world are growing more civi- lized quickly,” he resum on. “We have speedily passed through the epock of dinamite, swords, machinery guns, eta. We have now reached Age of Gas We burn it in stoves, we fill up our airships with it. Those who oannot afford ottomobiles use it in thelr Fords. What make the sun blaze & poets write it? Gas! We have just dishoovered what blessing to all human races this estranged Jjuloe can be. “Gas! holla Dr. Furoshima while looking into my ear for an- other mikerobe. “Sippose I wish cut oft your wormifern appendiex while you are thinking of something else? What I give you then? Gas! Sip- pose I make you too sick to get well? What I give you some more? Gas! Ah, Mr. Togo,” collapss Dr. Furo- | shima, holding my tongue with @ spoon so I could not make any intellectual reply “This world are rapldly changing into one continual gas works, and what else could it? This clest supper I could think of. | I had the salad stuffed into a apple, I had the steak wearing pars- sley on its brow, the potatoes was all taken out their skins and put back again, which any lady will tell you is pretty near as much trouble ax doing the same to a person’s face, only it don't take the wrinkles out. 1 baked & cake with white leing and April fool in pink icing on it. | but thers was no fool about that | bun—TI put the best stuff into it. In fact, the supper looked exactly like | it had come out of a woman's mag- azine. But when Junior and Geo. got home and was ready to eat, did | they appreciate that perfect portrait of food? They aid not Junior wase suepiclous right when he seen how pretty it and George come into the main din- ing saloon of our five-room bungalow | with a look on his face like he didn't | know whether to bite or not |~ Say. he says to me, this is too good be true, he says. whatcha got, | sugar on the meat and red pepper in that cake? Why the very idea, I savs, this is perfect meal Then Junior and oft to his father both After Study of Disappearing Materials LEACOCK. ding in the BY STEPHEN HAVE just been re press the agonized statement that there are only 4,000.000,- 000,000 cords of pulp wood left in the world, and that in an- other 50 years it will all gone After that there will be no pulp. Who it is that is consuming all this pulp I do mot know. I am sure that in my own home, apart from a little at Lreakfast, we don't use any But the main point is ars it will all be finished. In 50 vears from now, where there used to be great forests of pulp trees reach- ing to the farthest horizon, there will Le nothing but a sweep of bare roll- ing rocks, lifeless and untenanted e nothing will be heard except mournful cry of the waterfowl in the empty sky over what were once the forests of North America Or no—I forgot. It that there will be no rfowl either. In the very newspaper | read that America are disap- that in another 40 will be extinet that only that in 50 the circling same wl of fast Paris fow vears with black ptarmigan and pemmican | support one flamingo to In another geners continent will have | fields, motor have of country were literally black now scarcely the square mile, tion the whole been turned into farms, roads, and the motor cars will penetrated everywhers Motor cars, did T s I fear there agaln. In 40 vears| there will be no motor cars. Gaso- line, it is certain, running out. *Prof. Glumb of Midr , Alaska, has just made a calculation to show that @t the rate at which we are using up the world's gasoline the supply will end in 40 years He warns us that even now there are only 1.000.000,000,000,000 gallons in sight. There may be just a little amore, he thinks, under the Red Sea. e has not been down, but he doubts if there are more than a couple of amillion billion gallons. The motor cars will stand packed in rows and it won't be possible to move them an fnch. %3 1am % | in error g * % %ok D, what is worse, it won't be any use toying to substitute coal. IThere won't be any. It Is to run out the year betore gasoline. Our reck- less use of it all through the nine- teenth century has brought us to the point yhere there are only 10,000,- 000,000,000 tons left. Assuming that we go on consuming It, even at our! present e, the iast clinkers will be raked out of the last furnace in 3964, Affer that the furnace man will | mply draw his seary and sit in the | gelimr. There won't be a thing for| him to do. Ad first some of the scientists such as Prof. Hoopitup of Joy Col- Jege, were inclined to think that ele tricity might take the place of coal as a source of power, heat, light and food. But it appears not. The elec- tricity is nearly all gone. Already the Chicago drainage canal has low ered Niagara Falls the tenth of an inch, and in places where there was ence the white foaming cataract “A FEW VER OLD STATE:! MEN STILL STAGGERED AROUND.” |there is now the tenth of an inch of bare rock We may perhaps last on a little longer if ‘we dam the St. Lawrence, and dam the drainage canal, and dam the Hudson—in short, if we dam the whole continent up and down. But the end is in sight. In another 40 vears the last kilowatt of electricity will have been consumed, and the electric apparatus will be put in a museum and exhibited as a relic of the past to the children of the future. * ok ok Ok HILDREN? No, no, T forgot. It is hardly likely there will be any 40 ars he The children are disap- “SCIENTISTS—SUCH AS PROF. HOOPITUP OF JOY COLLEGE.” | pearing as rapidly as the gasoline and the waterfowl. It Is estimated that |the increase of the birth rate on this | continent i steadily falling. A few years ago it was 40 per 1,000, then it sank to 20, then it passed to 10, and now jt is down to decimal 4 some- EAL dispatch the court rulings of a magistrate in a Western town. This magistrate is sald to have got through with 40 cases in 40 minutes one day, and when some one asked him how he managed it he replied: “One must have some system. 1 never allow a point of law to be raised. This is a court of jus- tice, not & court of law. Not 80 very long ago a young attorney waiited to quote law against my sending his man down for six months. He want- ed to quote Mathews, I think. ‘Well,' sald I, ‘Mathews may be a great au- thority on law, but I guess he hasn't as much authority as I have in this court! Your man goes down for six months.' " THERE was an old-time Southern preacher whose determination not to have his church converted into & concert hall was expressed somewhat amusingly from his pulpit. Now, against his sanction a violin had been brought into the choir. On the first Sunday after its introduc- tion, when it came time to announce the hymn, the congregation was amazed to hear: will now sing and flddle hymn No. 48 : A smile passed over the characterizes congrega- thing. If this means anything, it means that today we have an average of 1,000 adults to dectmal 4 something of a 'child. The human race on this continent is coming to a full stop. Moreover, the same fate that fis to be overtaking the things of the mind. It for example, a subject of unive | remark that statesmen seem to be dwing out. There may be a few old statesmen still staggering round, but as a cla In the same way there are no ora- tors. They're gone. And everybody knows that there is hardly such a thing left now as a gentleman of the old school. I think that one was seen a month or so ago somewhere in a marsh in Virginia. But that's about the last. In short, civility is dead, polite culture is gone, and manners are almost extinct On the other side of the account I can find nothing conspicuous except the very notable increase of the erim- inal class. It has recently been caleu- lated by Prof. Crook that within 40 years every other man will belong to | the eriminal class, and even the man who fsn’t the other man will be pretty tough himself. In other words, the outlook is bad. As 1 see it, there fs nothing for it but to enjoy ourselves while we can. The wise man will go out, while it is still possible, and get some pulp and a pint of gasoline and a chunk of coal and have a big time. (Copyright, 1925.) is, tion, which had not entirely faded when the reverend gentleman an- nounced the second hymn: 3"Plexse fiddle and sing hymn Almost a titter was audible, dis- creetly covered at once by lusty sing- ing. When the time came to an- nounce the third and closing hymn the old minister said, clearly and dis- tinctly: “Let us sing and fiddle and fiddle and sing hymn No. 104.” 0. 'HE case was tried in an Iow: court. “Why did you shoot the dog?" asked the justice. The owner has proved that the animal was of a quiet nature and never disturbed any one.” “Well, he was,” admitted the de- fendant. “I've never heard him howl at all, but he always looked as if he was just about to do so. He would come out into the yard a doszen times at night, squat down, look at the moon, draw his breath, open his mouth and fix himself for a howl from here to Jericho, then change his mind, crawl under the porch and go to sleep. No, I never heard him howl, lbut the suspense was kiling me." looked, | happening to gasoline and coal seems | they are done. | Please open yr mouth a little wider | & think about the next war. Who will | win it> The nation with the larg | gas meter. Gentlemen what runs that war will not be called General. He | will be of title Head Gas Inspector. | _“Think of scenery of that next war, | Mr. Togo! Instead of crude axplo- | sions from bursting bums nothing | Wil be heard but sound of enemies —_— commenced looking at each other #nd giggling. mistrustfully. So at last I says, well, If you wan- ner cheat yourselfs out of a good meal, o on, here's where I person- ally myself eat! However, I got sense enough to realize where there is no use in | overdoing a good deed. So this year I am not going to do a thing on the first, so far as my family is con- cerned. I am merely going to sew | up the bottoms of Junior's pants, so’s he'll find them that way in the morning, show George & budget for | the past month with a big balance | 11t, tell Annie Gooch there are pork | chops for lunch when it is reaily | tripe, and then I'm gonner lay off | for another vear. | (Copyright, 1925.) BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: After a person has went through a siege of the giddy whirlpool of a place ltke Miami Beach, Fla. it is genally nessary to take a rest cure, and on this occasion I and the Mre. and party set sail on the board of a boat bound for Nassau which is the capital of the Bahama Islands, you got there they wasn't nothing to do only eat and sleep, which has al- ways been 2 of the great passions of | my life you might say, but will state |at this Junction that whereas both |these pleasures s indulged In to some extent in the capital referred to, still and all they ain't no variety of Winter sport missing in the Baha- mas from scratching yourself to Joining the Holy Rollers. Lady Diana Manners must of heard the same reports in regards to eating and sleeping, any way she had not broughten no bathing suit along with her and the first day we was out on the beach she showed up in a suit of pajamas like she expected to sleep in the, deep. After this costume had | handage and people that had paid to {see her In the Miracle wished they {had saved their money show. The photographers certainly had a busy A.M. between I and Dianz. One day I and Grant Rice the poct and Brinck Thorne the Yale snake “ONE OF THE DAMES RAN INTO A STONE WALL HEADFIRST AND DONE A JOE BECKETT.” dancer went out on a fishing trip, chaperoned by a native named Capt. Johns. Amongst the 3 of us we hauled in 8 or 9 barracuda that weighed 10 to 12 lbs. per barracuda but as usual the biggest fish was the ones that got away. Mr. Thorne had 2 hold of one which the captain says was a peto which was 5 ft. jong and must of weighed close to a 100 1b: but when he got closs enough up to the boat to see who we was he lost his nerve and let go of the hook. Personally I was just going to land what the captain claimed was the and somebody had told us that when | besh wet over it fit her as loose as a | for the big | “AWK!” I YELLUP. opening gas mains at each other. Entire citles will be killed merely by smelling. Chicago stock-yards wiil be removed by several new kinds of odors. Pretty soonly entire human race will go dead, axcept one man. “Who will he be, if anybody?" ask febbly. “He will be the man what stayed |heme to make out the gas bill,"” nar- rate Dr. Furoshima. “Horrus!” I si & grone, almost get- ting well. “If such things must hap- | pen I shall prefer to remain here & be killed by a doctor.” “Speak not so harshly,” he dictate. “Perhapsly you do not reelize what great medical triumps doctors are | now making by gas.” “Tell me 6 or 13, T smuggest from weakness. “Well,” he say so, “for instanoely. |Last Féb a boy were brought into | Altazooma Hospital suffering from {defness & dumness. He could not | speak for 16 yrs. Yet after 22 min- | utes with Dr. Hugo Carpetbeater he stood up and In distinctual tone of voice recited entire nomination speech of Wm Jenny Bryan.” “What make him do that?’ hol “Gas,” report Dr. Furoshima. “Then I will tell you another. Last 4th of July a gentleman from Boston come to’ Roaring Forks Psykickle Research Laboratory saying he were a spiritual- ist and would love to see a ghost. Nextly he knew all chairs in the room commence dancing around circular & an enlarged table struck him in the brain. He were carried out self-con- sclous. “What 1 | manoevre. | “Gas.” ollicute Dr. Furoshima, “We are using gas for cure of all dlseases. For cold in the head swalla a pint of | peppermint gas & get well. Tear gas |are good for some persons, laughing gas for others. And I tell you some- thing more umportant. Tell me | something that will cure alkoholism {or drunkness in ten (10) minutes?” { “In how many letters?’ I X-word. | “Three” he eve-wink. “Gas! ! " T tell very quickly, | “By jingle. you think like tricity yall Dr. Furoshima. happens everywhere. 1 1 accumplished that?" elec- “Mircles Slightly ago I SEEN WHI read in newsprints how 22 yg gentle- | 3 weeks. men, entirely jagged with gin, was carried to ‘a University Hospital, pumped with gas and made &0 sober they could walk & talk in a per- fectly straight line.” * %k x ¥ «Y\/HERE all this happsn?’ were next question for me, “New Haven,” report Hon, Dr. “Perhapsly it were after Yale-Har- vard game,” 1 semiphore. “In suc case T dred to think how many per- sons would need to be gassed ere 2 am. in the morning.” “Do vyou know how America could cure the curse of drink by gas?” he require baffably. “They might turn it on the prohi- bition inspectors,” I narrate. “If it did not kill them it would sober them upp sifficiently to find the places where boots are being legged.” ou are merely speaking in para- graphs,” subtract he. “But attemp- tation to get drunk could be stopped by simpul arrangement. Merely put more gas fixtures in chandeliers Then when cocktail time arrive all families, wishing to remain pure, could turn on gas slightly so they have no more wish for boot liquor or anything. Yes & ves. Gas are great thing for killing what you do not want. Mikerobes, cockroaches, dogs, incum tax collectors. Turn on gas. All arranged.” kwawk! ! ! T say that witth teeth because this Dr. Furoshima got my mouth open & are sticking it full of some kind of very difficult cotton “If you w he manipulate, “I think I can fill two (2) of your back teeth with ivory & pull out several more. Now let me tell you about what gas can do for very young infants. In Switzerland there were a famus case of a mother what had six tw # “Oooooof! ! This through cotton “Please do not interrupt while hurt you,” he snuggest. “Persons what cannot endure a little pain should not be born with teeth.” He commence starting a sawmill around every gum I chew. Flinches by me. “Hold straight, dear sir, before I damage! There. Now I shall pour a little hot lead into this upper maximillion cav- ity & it will not hurt for more than Gas—-" from m “PERSONALLY, I WAS JUST GOING TO LAND WHAT THE CAP- TAIN CLAIMED WAS THE BIGGEST BARRACUDA HE EVER THE LAST-NAMED GRABBED THE PIANO WIRE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND BIT SAME !N 2.7 biggest barracuda he ever seen when the last named grabbed the plano wire on the end of the line and bit same in 2 and spared Loth himself and I a lot of embarrassment. We have troubles enough keeplng our plano in shape on Long Island with- out no barracuda helping himself to the G string whenever they get hungry. Before we left Nassau Paul Gard- ner invited us all out sharking, but 1 couldn't go along but the rest of the boys went and didn’t get no sharks and if I had knew they was going to have that kind of luck I would of went with them. The way they fish for sharks is to kill a young goat and drop it over the side of the boat and make the water all bluggy 50 as to get the shark excited and then they throw in a line with a hunk of red meat on the hook, and the shark is supposed to think that is where the blood come from and make a grab for the hook, and then you have got him, but it seems to me that if sharke was that dumb they would call sharks. But one day wile we was there somebody did get a shark by this method or some other method and it was efther 7 ft. or 7 inches long I forgit which. They say the best time to catch a shark Is the last day you are anywheres and then you won't half to spend so much of your vacation introducing yourself to strangers as the party that catched the shark. Speaking about strangers, 1 was setting out on the hotel porch one evening and a man come along with a bandage around his neck and kind of holding his head on one side, and he walked up and down past me 2 or 3 times but finely he stopped and says have you ever had a carbancle. So I says no I had never-had & carbuncle. “Well,” he says, “you are mighty HE next evening I was setting in the same place and he walked past me 2 or 3 more times and then he stopped again and says have you them suckers Instead of * * ¥ %k uches! I I deflate, sprunging up- wards while throwing him awey & lepping to my footwars. My mouth shot cotton & tools all over that dea- tistry. * ook ¥ ¢ PNAUGURATED fool of a teeth- grinder” I whoopss. “While you stand there talking gas, gas gass all the time, why you no pump a little of that die-away breeze irto iy sistgm so I can sleep W you murder me with your savidge tooth- cutte ? “Ah he report with love, “we do not use gas for such slight work any more. So much of it are needed for reely serial cases that we hate to waste it on such very little nuisances as toothache. “Then if you will not gas me I shall take all my teeth home with me and put them where 1 please,” 1 en rage. “Oh, very well, if so!” he dib. "I could give you quite a number of 1lay still a little longer," | 1l whiffs, if required. But I wish warn |vou. 'Gas are very dangerus. But | eversbody have his peculfarities | Gwendolyn, bring In the bag!” | Nexly I knew sweet Japaness nurse | approach up to me with something in a balloon. Shoosh! She open cow cattishly that bag what commence blowing in my face without chivalry Whose canary bird was singing then on my ear? Nextly I knew I were | setting on a star with Mrs. Ma Fergu- |son, talking about Einstein, “We | cannot keep carpet tacks in | since the ostriches came,” say | “Maybe vou could do better wit shrimp salad,” I snuggest. | What then please? | I et up in that dentistry chair & { observe Dr. Fruoshima holding 41-3 of my teeth just like he owned ther |~ “If you did not woke up so soonls {he say with sweetly smiling, “I could | have pulled several more.” | “But I do not wish lose several | more,” T collapse | "After what vou have just took | he sniggle, “I should think you could took a joke also.” | “What are it T just took?" I snarrel “Laughing gas,” he guggle with happy expression. Iam unlimited | Hoping you are the same Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 1925.) . |Rest Cure Is Hunted on Bahama Islands, But Program Fails to Meet Requirements ever had a carbuncle. Elther he did not know I was the same party or else he must of thought that between then and the evening previous I had | contracted a carbuncle. From that 2d. evening on I staved off of the |porch so as to not run no risk of | disappointing him again by not having a carbuncle, but T do hope that before he left old Nassau he found some- body with who he could disgust car- buncles in a intelligent way They may a few of my less dumb readers who 1 don't half to tell them that the Bahamas belo to Great Britain and sau is a place where Y@u can get pretty near as much to drink N. Y. without paying as much for same and 2 or 3 times a wk the natives puts on a shimmy dance for the entertainment of tourists and for a couple hours before the dance the dancers trains steadlly on jamaica rum. whole Iot livelier show as far as music and dancing is concerned Is the Sunday night performances by the Holy Rollers, where one of the chorus mes got =o religious one night that she run into a stone wall head first and done a Joe Beckett that would of been permanent with any other type of head But fishing and sharking and Diana Manners and shimmying is by {means the only attractions in fai Nassau, and will try to numerate some of the others in next week's letter which I know my admires can't hardily wait till hearing from me again Disadvantages of Sight. MOS CADY of Bolivar, Mo., play six instruments simultane- ously while he was blind, but now that he has regained his slght c play only one. He was blind 22 years He played a harmonica held to his mouth with a voke, a banjo with his |hands, a brass drum beaten with his elbow, cymbals struck with his knees, a triangle and 8 Swiss bells rung by his feet. His Inability to play more than one instrument now s ex- plained by the fact that he cannot concentrate sufficiently to play 6, be- cause the acute sensitiveness of touch and feeling that comes with blindness left when his sight was restored. could Movies as Cures. WEDISH hospitals for the insane are now almost universally using moving picture films selected by pey- chiatrists as a form of treatment through diversion. Sanitariums for the tuberculous are doing the same for the relief of the states of mental depression so usual among convales- cent patlents. Films are used also for auxiliary training of the tuber- culous and of the deaf and dumb. —_— Mountains Unnamed. HOUSANDS of mountains in great West, nearly twice height of the highest peak in entire Appalachian system, are unnamed our the our still