Evening Star Newspaper, February 8, 1925, Page 71

THE SUNDAY ST. WASHINGTON, U. O, FEBRUARY 8, 1925—PART 5. BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Lydia Pinkham, the well know imaginative poetess, %0 often used to say, “'Tis love that makes the world go round in circles.” Ain't that & fact, though? 1 was remarking on it only the other night to George, that's my husband, while he was reading the evening paper. I find this is a good time to talk to Geo. on account he generally lets me %o right on without answering back. ‘Well, anyways, I says great good- ness dear! Here is it pretty near St. Valentino's day again, I don't know where the time goes, it don't seem like eight vears since you was send- ing me valentines all made up out of layers of lace paper, says. I don't see that style any more, I guess they now use all that paper in the edges of candy boxes! And Geo. says yeh, uhuh! Well. I says, I never oould rightly make out is this St. Valentino they tell about a old guy with long alfalfa, like Santa Claus, or is he the young feller about Junior's age, you know, the one who goes around even in February dressed only in a blue sash, a pair of wings and a bow and arrow. Which do you think he is, dear? And Geo. s: say, I see that block where Hashem's Beanery is has been sold to Joe Bush's uncle for thirty-two thousand smackers, whatter you think of that, eh? By which I could easy de- duct that the days when Geo. was capa- ble of spending 2 his lunch hour trying to decide whether to buy me the one with the two hearts pierced by an arrow or the one with the clasped hands and the dove was over forever, and I couldn’t get them back any more than I could now squeeze into my wedding dres: W 11, naturally I thought. oh well, nobody in this house thinks about val- entines any more only me, and 1 guess I better keep my secret. But 1 was Wrong, on account a few minutes later who would come In but Junior and he had a real old style comic valentine, and he says hey Ma, see what I'm sonner send my teacher, ain't it funny, all I'm gonner put on it is guess who? d'yer see? Well, naturally I saw, and I took it right away from him and explained where no nice person would ever send one of them hideous things to anybody. Then I says, now Junior, just to show vou what & beautiful idea St. Valen- tino's day really is, I will give a valentine party for you and your playmates. * ¥ K % FIGURED where it would be real good fun to get up this party for the kids, see, and so I ast 14 darling little children, and when I had done so, why I realized where in most ses thelr mothers would come along, and of course I couldn't let them women make no cracks about the party I give, so I would have to make it elaborate. So the next time I went downtown I got me some rolls of red crepe paper and, first thing, I cut a lot of red hearts out of it, see, to hide about the house for the kids to find. And then I cut up the remainder of the crepe paper Into favors. Tt took me the remnant of the P.M. and this was one of them rare occa- slons when a person can go cutting paper up Into little pleces and not risk having the family call the asy- lum and say please send down the wagon. Yet just why the making of crepe paper favors for 14 young- sters ain’t considered a sign of in- sanity, I dunno. It had ought to be, as I thoroughly felt by the time I had glued everything together, in- cluding my scissors and my back hair. Well, T had always been known for my original ways with a party, see, 80 I wasn't gonner break any record this time. I had strings of hearts hanging from the chandelter, and all these little favors, such as candy bas- kets, hats, etc., and I made up a lot of little heart-shaped cakes with pink crochet icing on top of the white. St. Valentine’s Day Once More George and His Wife Give Attention to a Juvenile Party. “EACH MOTHER STOOD NERVOUSLY BEHIND HER CHILD'S CHAIR AND SAYS DON'T DO THAT DEAR, GOOD GRACIOUS I NEVER SEEN CLARENCE ACT SO BAD BEFORE.” I was even gonner have the ice cream in heart shape, but decided in favor of bricks instead—a person ne;er knows how these affairs will end. Well, when everything was ready, including me, I went to the front door and called for Junior, and says come on darling and get ready for your party. And he says aw no, I don’t wanner, I hate the old party, I'd rather play and enjoy myself. And I says you come right here this very minute, and after T says it four or five times he obeyed me instantly, whizzing right into the house just as fast as a snail with the rheuma- tism. And he says aw ma, whatter you make me have a party for, ma? And I says, don’t talk back at me, go in and wash up, including your ears, this ain't a real estate auction, make a good job of it now! And Junior says aw watter I haft to get cleaned up for, I rather stay outside and have fun. And I says firmly, not to °, now g0 do like T eaid at once, .. I will tell your father when he comes home. * ¥ x % wELL. 4ny mother which has a boy and they are around six or seven annums old, or ever were that age, why they will realize what I went through during the next half of one hour. Some times when Junior stages a show like the above, why I get the idea I will go to some company where they make these phonograph records and put up a proposition to them for me to make a record that is bound to sell many million copies, or at least one per ea. Am. home. And the record will go something to this effect: Did you brush your teeth, tle the other shoe string, your clean shirt is on the bed, don't forget to comb your balr, hurry up now, what are you doing up there son, quit fooling and do like I told you, hurry up, are you ready vet, where is your necktie, pay attention now, mind what you are doing, stop that, behave yourself. ‘Well, this record, see, will say the same thing one thousand times, a s permanent steel needle could be give free with every copy, and of course the phonograph can easy be rewound, or in households where there are more then one or two children, why a electric attachment can be put to the machine, and then when the mot gets up in the morning, all she hss got to do is turn on the switch. This will save her strength a whole lot in case the other kind of switch occasionally has to be brought into action, and in most healthy families it doe: 1 personally myself am not a be- liever in these modern ideas where it is considered out of date to spank a kid. I have tried reason as & sub- stitute, but all that happened was that I pretty near lost my own. I now believe that a licking in time saves nine. Well, anyways, this afternoon of our valentine party, when Junior was finally all cleaned up and his hairs all neatly in place except the one on top which never Is, wel then all I hadder do was see that stayed that way until his little triends arrove, In order to do this, T had merely to keep saying get up off that floor, leave that alone, keep your hands out of them window boxes, don't touch a thing on the dining room table, sit still can'tcha? And Junior would say aw I hate the old party I don't want no party. And then just when neither of us could of stood it one minute longer, a little girl and her mother showed | up, and this kid and Junior set down in two opposite chairs, very clean, and glared at each other without speaking. Pretty soon after that Mrs. Joe Bush come, bringing that awful child of theirs, and he was also washed pretty near out of recognition. And then the bunch of ‘em turned up, until they was all sitting around the parlor like a Quaker meeting. * k¥ ¥ ELL, some people has got a talent to make children play games, and etc. but T guess this is one thing got overlooked when they made me. Naturally, T and Mrs. Joe Bush forced them to have a few nice games like London Bridge. Post office, and The Farmer in the Debt or whatever it | is called, and etc. And they obeyed us pretty good. But finally I and she was both of us too exhausted to in- sist on any more, an on Mabel, for heaven’ them. I put on a march tune record and they done a fire drill into the din- Ing room and we give 'em the eats, and each mother stood nervously be- hind her child’s chalr, and says don't do that dear, never put your spoon in your ear, good gracious, I never seen Clarence act so bad before, and other polite alibls which we all being women, why we understood and ac- cepted without no comment, even when it come to hair pulling, swip- ing_some other kid's cake, spilling a dish of cream on a person's best dr and other charming childish indoor sports. After which all the ladies and I ate what we could get, and they says to me, my what lovely decorations, so original, my dear, and etc, but with one eye on the kids to make sure they dldn’'t break loose and actually enjoy theirselves. Then when the young ones was all all from the table and the party commenced getting rough, with hol- lering and running about, and their stockings commencing to come down, and hair ribbons to get untied, and the nolse was a great deal like a menagerle around lunch time, why one of the ladies considerately re- membered she had to meet her meal ticket with the car at the five-fifteen. So she unscrambled her little darling from the heap in the middle of the room, stralghtened his tle, buttoned his shoe, wrung his neck, etc., In true motherly style, and then dragged him oft. Naturally this give the other ladies the courage to leave, 50 they all says to me well good bye dear, such a pretty party; say good-bye to Mrs. Jules, darling and tell her what a good time vou had. And Junior now commenced to; holler Aw Ma, don't let them go home, we was just com- mencing to have fun. Aw Ma, you never let me do nothing that I want! And when the last one left, why I give @ sigh of rellef, on account all I now had to do was pick up the BY WALLACE IRWIN. To Edltor The Star, whose Editorial Page always got brite snugges- tions how get Germany on her feet & oft Europe's. EAREST SIR: Do you ever have some worry about money? If so, please write, because 1 nearly can't sleep because every time I shut down my eyes some 3335 get mixed up in it & T awoke with a screech. I tell you how this bad state of fairs walked into my poor life. About _one (1) week of yors my Cousin Nog! approach to my kitchen with following questionaire. “Togo,” he say 80, “In news-print I read how prise of 2§ are offered to per- son under age of 96 who can give best answer to question, ‘What Would I do with 10,000,00087 For that price you could get yr shoes % souled.” “For 10,000,0008 1 could get them lined with rubles & walk around proud it uncomfortable,” I narrate. “I are merely speaking of that 2§ which you might win,” renig my cousin. “To ern large fortune you must begin somewhere at the bot- tom.” “If beginning at the bottom makes folks rich,” I decompose, “then I shall be Henry Ford. 1 have been at the bottom #o long that I know every nall in the floor. “That are not answering my ques- tionaire” dictate Nogl. “Please to hurry up & think something before some brite Armenian schoolboy jump ahead of you & winn prize. What would you do with 10,000,000§7* “Firstly,” I peruse, “I should buy myself a new hat. With that on maybe I could think more, swiftly Maybe I should get a extra suit of underware also 5o I would not have to go bed while the other one are get- ting washed. “You must hurry up with more speed,” dictate Nogi, “or Interest on that oash-money will push you out of house & Home." “O grashus!” I wep & cry. “What shall I do to get away from that cash 80 quick? I tell you. I shall marry Miss Mamie Furioki who are now at- tempting to explode her way into so- clety. That will be fine way! Nextly I shall buy a house all beautiful in- side like Pullman Cars. In this I shall have nothing but dance-floors and In the garden I shall have golden merry-go-rounds. 1 shajl hire 12 butlers what can play Sax O'Phones while serving soup. Hurrah & banzai! Then money shall go pretty speed, by golly. Day & night will be a party at my house & everybody will stay home but me.” * K K X «YA/HERE you be all that time?” snuggest Nogi. “I shall go live at Rising Sun Bil- liards & Pool Parlor where I can play Kelley untll fatigued.” This from me. “You would have quite a mass of 333 left even then,” report my ignoral coustn. paper favors which was mashed iInto the carpet, pull a cafeterla with spoons and saucers from every corner, and otherwise fix up the house so's there wouldn't be evidence of too much gaity by the time Geo., that's my husband, got home. In the meanwhile I put on an- other record for Junior to the effect run and wash right up, don't leave your good clothes on the floor, no, you can't keep all that trash, put it in the basket, hurry now, do lke I told you, and etc. add infinite pa- tience. Well, I certainly admire the spirit of St. Valentino and believe we should bring up our kids to see the gentle, loving quality of this day and have them celebrate it according. I don't know, however, but that when the next one comes along I will lay off on giving a party and merely send out a few of them comic valentines instead. (Copyright, 1925.) What to Do With $10,000,000 Togo Discusses Subject in Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy. “I SHALL HAVE ONE ON HORSEBACK.” “Perhapsly,” I dally forth. “But what then? My daughter shall be raised in a solid dimond bathtub while swimming in vanilla lce cream. ‘When she come of sifficient old age she shall marry a Russlan duke. Then, by golly, I not need to worry about money!” “I could not think of such a de- praved way to spent money, daib Negi. “It are more gentile & fash- fonabls to give enlarged fortunes to Worthy Causes.” “Which kind of Causes have you?" I ask to know. “Following are some,” he snapper: “Statues Colleges. Insane Asylums Gen. Fillanthropies Oil Stocks Liberries Musical Comedies The Advancemint of Science” I think several times of curious he sald. “Lettuce see,” I manipulate. “What shall I get from handling checks to Colleges? I are not a ware of any American College what would give me a P H D for less price than 34,- 000,000§ Old gentleman name of Duke who got his title trom selling chawing tobacco just guve 40,000,0008 for start a college in the South. What good from that? Hon. Grantland Rice would not even report their anual feetball game. “& what shall I obtain from help- ing Insane Asylums & Oil Stocks? Persons what goes in for those things usually comes out crazier than ever. Liberries? Nobody go to them when there is good Emotion Pictures just around the corner. Maybe I could back a Musical Comedy, but what for? Nobody ever hears name of man who back a Show. He usually die of lockjaw from being stinged so often & and in the news of his death those Hon. Reporter merely mention him as Prominent Merchant. * K ¥ % GIPHERE is still 2 ways for spend- ing,” say Nogl. “They are as following: “1—Statues 2—The Advancemint of Science.” “Statues” I holla. “Now there are a good I D. With 10,000,0008 1 could do cansiderable with statues.” “Building them up?” require Nogi. “No, pulling them down,” I ampu- tate. “For that large price of money maybe I could cumpel Pres. Coolidge to start a disharmamint Treaty; ob- jeckt, to kick over all statues In America what nobody care to look at any more. We could bulld 2 or 3 navies with all that iron when prop- erly bolled down." “What you would do with all those empty Peddistiles, standing in pub- lick Parks with not even any statu- ary on them?” Nogi ask to know. “Ah! That are where I shall be- come very famous with my 10,000,- 0008!!" I renig. “Always, every since arrival in America, 1 have love to think of getting g statue of my- self. I shall have one on horse back. I have never been enabled to get on a horse & remain setting; but it I got some talented Sculper to do it in cast-iron or zink he could manu- facture me & horse in one piecce. Then even earthquacks couldn’t burst us apart. With all that cash- money I could hire some very im- mense genius of art to do me fin Roman skirt with sword. Then I shall have a factory in Detroit turn me out in quantitty production re- sembling Fords 1 could be shipped in canvenient pieces so that any town or city requiring Statue of Togo could fasten me together & set me up—see Book of Instructions, fur- nish free with ewery order. & under that Sculptuary would be following motta: “HASHIMURA TOGO TAXPAYER MAN." “I think that inscription might describe you, if anything,” sippose Nogi. “But can't you more better be doing something for Science?” ing me to mania. Last week I got my bed afire attempting use of those Electric Pads. Maybe I could cantribute a few 333 for a electric chair to slide under some of those radiolunaticks what work the howler when 1 require sleep.” “Perhapsly you could found some Scientifick Society,” say Nogl. * ¥ ¥ €N\JOGI, you have said an eyeful!" I holla. “I shall start a So- clety for the Prevention of Exer- cise. T have foreverly been trying to find some way keep healthy without working myself to death. Where are there an outdoor sport what can be played while asleep in 2 hammock? We must invent some new variety of doctors who can cure eversthing by telling their patience to rest & eat more. Why should not Science find stop to work? They have dishcov- ered way to kill tyfoyd & yella fever germ. Then why should Exercise clame its yearly thousands, its daily dozens? Us captalists should see to this. Hon. Jno D. Rockefellr & me etill plays golf. If you think we like it, look at our photos!” “If 1 had 10,000,000 T would bild a battleship & sunk it to please Eng- land & Japan,” say Nogi distinctually. “Sq much of that have done lately that You would not even get yr name in papers” I corrode. “I think neat- er way to spend it would be to hire lawyers to cheat the Incum Tax. “O deer & other zoo specimens!” say Nogl with sl & grone. “It are hard to spend 10,000,0008 wisely!™ “It are indeedly,” I collapse like quinine. “And I should elways be nervus to keep so much golden cash in a bank.” “Yet what are safer than banks for keeping money?' he ask it. “Place where you keep it now are safer” I renig. “Where that?” he report. “In umagination,” 1 regulate. Therefore Nogi borra 5c. car-fair & “What could T advance in Science?” I requesh. “I should hate to advance for ezample. There is a darnly sight too much of it already; electric signs everywhere are driv- Ro away expecting murder. Hoping you are the same Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 1025.) Inspired by New Attaboy Language, Writers Are Gaining Pep BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. BOUT 15 vears ago somebody invented the word “Attaboy.” At first it was used only by urchins or the base ball bleachers. Presently it was used by the college students. After that it was taken up by business men, Jawyers, judges and Congressmen and it spread all over the world. Tt is said that when King George of England welcomed home Gen. Allenby after his conquest of Pales- tine, he put his hands on Allenby’s shoulders and said with deep feeling, “Attaboy!” The .general, profoundly touched, was heard to murmur in return, “Some king, what!” This story may or may not be true. Tt is possible that King George used merely some such dignified English phrase as “Not half bad at all!” But the story at any rate illustrates the tremendous change that has been creeping over our language. I am not here referring to thé use of slang. That, of course, is as old as language itself. The man who uses a slang word and, let us say, calls 2 man’s hat his “1id” or calls a woman a “skirt,” fs consclous of using a metaphor and of trying to be funny or peculiar. But the man who uses attaboy language In speech or writing is really trying to say some- thing; he really thinks he is using English. It is not merely the words that he uses, but the way in which he uses them. Let me give an example, That is much quicker business than trying to explain the whole thing in a methodi- cal fashion. ATTABOY LETER OF INVITATION. Here for example—to lllustrate the 0ld style of writing and speaking —is a letter which I recelved almost #80 vears ago inviting me to attend @ gathering of my college class. In point of dignity and good form the letter speaks for itself. “Toronto, February 1, 1895. *“Dear Sir: I beg to inform you that & reunfon of the graduating class of 1891 will be held on the fifth of| February in the form of a dinner at | the Queen’s Hotel. The guest of honor | on the occasion will be Prof. Baxter, | who has kindly consented to deliver an address to the class. It is con- fidently expected that all the mem- bers of the class will take this oppor- tunity to renew old friendships. The price of the dinner, including wines, will be 75 cents. May I ask you to send a reply at your earliest conven- ience. “With sincere personal regards, I have the honor to be and to remain being | “Yours very faithfully, “JOHN SMITH." * % K % OW it happened that just the other day 1 recelved a letter from the same old classmate inviting me to attend a similar gathering of the class—30 vears later, But here is how he has expressed the invita- tion: “Mr. He-Man from College! “This is you! “Sayl what do vou think? The . keal old He-Boys of 1841 are golug —FAIRLY KICK THEM OUT OF THE ROOM.” to gather in for a feed at the Queen’s on February 6th. Songs!e Speeches! Fireworks! And who do you think is going to be the main Big Talk! You'd never guess—why old Prof. Baxter—old Nutsey Baxter. Come and hear him. Come along right now! The whole feed——songs, fun and smokes included—is only six bucks. So get down in your pants and fork them out. Yours, Attaboy! Hooroo! “REV. JOHN SMITH, “(Canon of the Cathedral).” Let it be noted that the great point of the Attaboy system is the terrific desire for emphasis. A man is not called a man. He i3 called & he-man. Even that is not enough. He has to be 100 per cent -he-man. And in ex- treme cases he must be called a “100 | bull-chested, | per cent, full-blooded, big-headed, great-hearted man'—all of this to replace the simple old- tashioned word gentleman. Indeed, one could write quite a little dictionary of Attaboy terms lke this— Gentleman—(See above). Lady—A big-hearted, wide-eyed, warm-chested woman, a hundred per cent soul, and built square. ¥Friend—A he-man with a hand- grip and & jaw that means that as soon as you see him In front of you, you know that he is back of you. frog-eyed, Senator — Farsighted, nation-waking he-man. Criminal—No up man” — “yess”’ safe-cracker,” otc., etc., etc. In the same way, when the Attaboy language turns from the nouns to the verbs there has to be the same vital emphasis. The fatal step was taken when some one javented the'pearance and striking countenance it is word punch. Since then every form of action has to be described as if it occurred with a direct physigal shock. A speaker has got to hit his audience with a punch; he must lift them, throw them—in short, fairly kick them out of the room. A book is said to be arresting, grip- ping, compelling. It has got to hold | the reader down so that he can't get | up. A preacher has got to be vital, | dynamic; he must put his sermon over; he must pitch it at the audi- ence; In short, preaching becomes a form of base ball, with the clregyman | in the box. * K K K N other words, the whole of our life and thought has got to be re-| stated in terms of moving things, in | terms of electricity, radio and all the crackling physical apparatus of the world in which we live. MACAULAY AND GIBSON IN ATTABOY. It is quite clear that if this Attaboy tendency goes on all the books of the past will have to be rewritten or nobody will understand them. Some- body will have to re-edit them so as to put into them the necessary “pep” and “punch” to make them readable by the next generation. We can imagine how completely un- intelligible will be the stately pages of such dignified writers as Macaulay or Gibbon. Here, for example, is a specimen of the way in which Gib- bon's “Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” will be revised. I take as an {llustration a well known passage describing the action of a heroic ma- tron of Rome in rallying the waver- and Punch stepped forth before the hesitating citizens—" Translation: “A pre-war blonde who was evident- 1y a real peach skipped out in front of the bunch——" “At the sight of her the citizens paused- Translation: “As soon as they put thelr lamps on her all the guys stood still—" “Reluctant cries of admiration aro: from the crowd—" “'Some doll!’ said the boys.” “‘Cowards! she exclaimed. “You big stiffs’ she snorted.” “‘And would you leave the defense of your homes at such a time as this’ “‘Do you mean to say that you are going to fly the coop? ™ “*To your posts all of you! cried.” “‘Beat it,’ she honked.” Inspired by her courage the citi- zens with shouts of ‘Long Live Sem- pronial’ rushed to the ramparts.” “Full of pep they all shouted, ‘Atta- boy, Lizzie!' and skipped up the lad- ders.” Rome was saved! (Copyright, 1925.) Insect Chemistry. SOME years ago there was made the very singular discovery that the moth, known as dicranura vinula se- cretes caustic potash, which it uses for penetrating the cocoon in which it is inclosed. ustic potash is a powerful cautery that destroys the skin when brought into contact with it. That it should be secreted, or formed, in the mouth of an insect, is curious. The dicranura moth—the name means “forked-tail’— not only appears to be an insect chem- ist of no small skill, for its larvas secretes formic acid, but it is very in- teresting on other accounts. In the larval, or caterpillar, form these moths inhabit poplars, willows and similar trees in Midsummer, and possess an odd means. of defense against the annoyance of small flles. Their forked tails consist of two tubes, each of which contains a long, thread- like organ, and when the caterpillar is irritated it runs out these threads and lashes the sides of its body with them. It has long been known that the forked-tail moth used some liquid to soften the cocoons when it was ready to emerge, but Latter's experiments for the first time disclosed the nature of that liquid. He inclosed the moths in artificlal cocoons and, collecting the liquid which they ejected in breaking their way out, subjected it to chemical analysis, —_— Secret of Long Life. SEVENTY years old, looks about 50 and feels even younger, is an apt description of Elmer Gray, assistant county attorney of Hennepin County, Minn. He says it is all because for more than 35 years he has gone with- out eating noon lunch. By not eating the 13,000, meals he conservatively she ing citizens after a retreat. It rum; “A Roman matron of imposing ap- estimates that he has saved $3.250, but wishes soms one te tell him where Inoculation Methods Are Proposed As Sure Cure for Budding U. S. Poets BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: As far as T been able to judge by shutting my mouth and keeping my ears open the latest craze ain't bob- bed hair no more or cross- worded puszles or mah jong, but the latest craze is different kinds of dis- eases and a specially contagious diseases and not what to do to get rid of same but how to keep from getting same. The words virus and preventive inoculation is on every tongue and at least 75 per centum of my neighbors has either had them- selfs or their kiddies or dogs or some- thing fixed up so as they can't catch typhoid fever or whooping cough or any of the ailments which has been running amuck lately around this part of the country. Inoculation vs. sickness ain't no new thing but they say that the sci- ence has made rapld strides in the last 2 or 3 yrs. and where as in the old days about the only diseases which inoculation could head them off was small pox and diptheria why now days they claim that if you get inoculated in the right way at the right time you can immune yourself to pretty near everything from & bad cold to ingrowing knees. ‘A little wile ago they was a big typhold scare around N. Y. City and some of the important doctors got together and laid the blame on to raw oysters and for several weeks they was a lot of careful people that would not eat no raw oysters and one friend of mine not only would not eat no raw oysters but he also got himself inoculated vs. typhold and when the worst of the scare was over he went around bragging about how it paid to be careful. Look at me he said, I like oysters but I would not take a chance on them and not only that but I was smart enough to take the time and trouble and have a inoculation, and you notice I did not catch typhold. L ‘Well, in order to not hurt his feel- ings I told him he certainly was a wissenhelmer where as I might of | pointed out to him that I personly had | kept right on, eating raw oysters all through the panic and had gamely “THE EXPOSED PARTY WILL BE MADE TO EAT SHAKESPEARE OR CHARLES DICKENS.” DicKs DORGAI 2-8-25 “THE DOC INJECTS THE BUGS INTO THE BODY OF THE WOULD- refrained from getting inoculated but still and all had not had no more typhoid than our parrot. This ain't saying that I hold any brief vs in- oculation, but merely to point out that they’s a few of us still able to be about that don’t owe their health to inoculation or hurting the feelings of oysters. SOME of my readers may not be familiar with the theory of inocu- lation and maybe I would better ex- claim to them what it means and. etc. ‘Well is seems that yrs. and yrs. ago they was a certain doc who made experiments on guinéa pigs and mush rats and etc. and found out that if you got a hold of a lot of say small pox germs and cultured them and injected them inside of the guinea pigs and mush rats and then turned a crowd of uncultured small pox germs loose on the said animals, why the animals would not get the small pox where as animals who had not the pleasure of the cultured germs's company would get the small pox and get it bad. So what they do when they inoculate you is to get a hold of a flock of the germs which you are scared of that kind of diseases and they culture these germs and shoot them into yeu and then you are im- * ok K K E PATIENT.” muned to what ever it is you was scared of. I don't know exactly how germs is cultured but I suppose they send them to finishing schools for bugs. If they comes along a typhold fever scare like recently, why the doctors in that vicinity goes out with but- terfly nets or traps of some kind another and visits the different hang outs of typhoid germs such as stag- nant ponds and bags as many of the bugs as they can find and cul- tures them and injects them into the body of the would be patient. The sclence is now at a stage where doctors is predicting bad luck for themselfs in future, namely they say that some day it will be easy to prevent all germ diseases, which means that & big portion of doctors’ incomes will be cut off and even worse than that, becauss the time ain’t far distance when not only germ diseases but other kinds of diseases will be knocked for a ghoul before they get started and all by this same process of inoculation. Like for inst. if they happens to be a epidemic of callouses, why those who are scared of same will be immuned to same by swallowing a pair of shoes which 1s either too tight or so loose that they rub vs. the more temder por- tions of the feet. It it is dog days and a case or 2 of rabies is reported, why a person can protect themself by catching a mad dog, culturing him and swallowing him. Dogs that ain’t mad can also be inoculated in the same way and these will be cases of dog eat dog. Perhaps the pleas- antest of all will be the inoculation ve. alcoholism. This will consist of gathering together all the cultured and refined drinks in sight and swallowing them all at once. The next step forward to be looked for along these lines is Inoculation vs. mental ailments, like for inst. suppose a person is suddenly throwed into a bohemian atmosphere like say Greenwich village and seems to be in danger of getting the idear that he or she can become a singer or & actor or a poet or a novel writer. Prevention will probably be effected by making the exposed party eat the score of Parsifal or a asbestos cur- taln or the complete works of Shakespeare and Charlie Dickens. —_—_— 3,775 Einstein Books. ROF. MORRIS LECOT of the Uni- versity of Louvain has recently been at work on a bibliography of books about Einstein and relativi He has found the number to be 3,775, only 435 of which have been publish- ed in Germany. England has con- tributed 1,150, France 690, Italy 215 and Holland 126. Puddings Explode. E.\PLOSIU.\S of plum puddings in several Pottsville, Pa., homes were reported to city officials. In sev- eral cases women who were prepar- ing for Christmas were much alarmed, pans and puddings went bang against ceilings. Investigation showed that the explosions were due to steam expansion' in the puddings after be- ing dished. Puncturing the top of the pudding with a fork will prevent such occurrences, officials declared. | { | Walkers’ Traffic Lights. LONDON newspaper reports thut 50 great has become the auto- mobile peril in that erstwhile land of quiet lanes and remote byways that people walking at night on busy highways wear over their shoulders small red glass disks that reflect the lights of automobiles approaching from behind, thus indicating to the drivers that a pedestrian is ahead on the road. g Largest Dog. 'HE largest dog at the London bench show was a St. Bernard weighing 187 pounds, and the smal- lest was a Papilion that tipped the scales at two and one-half pounds. Crowds in Yellowstocc. ORE than 60,000 visitere camped out, with their own ~quipmeat, in Yellowstone Nattosal Perk durtes the last year,