Evening Star Newspaper, November 20, 1921, Page 68

Scattergood Administeres Soothing Sirup ¢ ALC'LATE both them young folks was gullty of an error of jedgment when they up and married each other,” sald Will Pratt, postmaster of Coldriver, in the judicial tone which he had affected since his ele- wation to office. 3 “Mean Marthy Norton and Jed Lewis, Will? Referrin’ to them es- pecial?” Seattergood peered after the young couple, who had the mo- ment, before passed his hardware store, not walking jovially in the enjoyment of each other's presence as young married folks should walk, but sullenly and in silence. “They be the I-dentical ones,” Will “Naggin'? and quarrelin’ and bickerin' from sunup to milkin declared. time. Used to do it private like, but it's been gittin’ so lately you can't pass the house without hearin' ‘em referrin’ to h other mighty sharp Um! . . . Difficulty appears to /bve what, Will? Got any idea where lies_the seat of the trouble? “They jest hain't habitually suited to one another,” said Will. “What- e of ‘em is fur the tother's Looks like they go to bed and wake up acr'monious. *Tain't like as if Jed was the breed of feller that beats his wife, or that Marthy was the kind that loaks out of the corner olhhe; fye at drum- ers stoppin’ to the hote jie Jest l‘(’lpnd of irritate one another, eh?" said Scattergood, thoughtfull “Kind of git on_each other’s nerves. you might say. Um—-I call to mind Wwhen they was married, five years ago. ‘Twan't indicated them days. Jed he couldn't set easy if Marthy wasn't nigh, and Marthy went around lookin' as if she’d swallered & pin and it hurt if Jed was more'n forty Tod oft. 1f ever two young folks was all het u pover each other, Jed i and Marthy was them young folks— and 'twain't but five years ago— “End by separdtin’ " said the post- master. “There's the stage ttergood said, suddenly. f'r_distributin’ by, Will” The postmaster recognized his dis- missal; he knew that the manner which had fallen upon Scattergood portended that something was on his mind and that he wanted to be alone and think, so he withdrew hastily and plodded across the dusty road to the office of which he was the ex- cutive head. H.-\l for Scattergood, he preased his double chin down upon his bulging chest, closed his eyes, and gave him- self up enthusiastically to looking like a gigantic figure of discourage- ment. He waggled his head dubi- 1 U nder if it kin be laid to my door,” he said to Mmlel;. "’l !:g!; s about made f'r e gered they wa e aathor, rattlin’ in,” “Better the mall, ther, and I brung —Something's got crossways. Um— Take them young folks separate, and you couldn't ask for nothin’ better— Don't understand it a mite—Anyhow, things has turned out as they be, and what kin I do about it?” * x kX HIS reinforced chair creaked under the shifting of his great weight as he bent mechanically to remove his shoes. With his toes imprisoned in leather, Scattergood's brain re- fused to function, a characteristic which greatly chagrined his wife, Mandy—so much so that she had con- sidered sewing him up in his foot- wear, as certain mothers in the com- munity sewed their children in their underwear for the winter. Scattergood had amassed a fortune that might be called handsome, but it had not made him effete. His in- come had never warranted him in purchasing a pair of socks, so now, upon the removal of his shoepacs, his toes were fully at liberty to squirm and wriggle In_the most soul-satisfy- ing manner. He sat thus, battling with his problem, until Pliny Plckett, driver of the stage, and Scattergood's man, rattled up to the store in his dust-whitened conveyance. “Afternoon, Scattergood.” he in a manner which he endeavored to make as like his employer's as pos- sible. I “Afternoon, Pliny. Successful trip, | m, Pliny? Plenty of passengers? Eh? Any news down the valley?” “Done middlin' well. ain't much news. ‘ceptin’ that young Widder Con- roy down to Tupper Falls dled of somethin’ the matter with her stum- mick and felks is wonderin’ what,Il become of her baby.” “Baby?" What kind of a baby aid she calc'late to have? “A he one—nigh onto two years ot relatives?” ot that anybody knows of.” Um! Wasn't passin’ Jed Lewis’ hou was you " “Didn’t- figger to.” «Wasn't passin’ Jed Lewis’, was you?" Scattergood repeated, insist- ently. “1_could.” “Um! If you was to, and you Jed, what was you figgerin® on sayin’ to_him?” Pliny scratched his head and pon- dered. “Cale’late I'd mention . the heat some, and meybe I might say suthin’ about national polities.” “Wouldn’t mention me, would you, Pliny? Dpnt figger my name might come up?” “It might.” “If {t did, what 'u'd you say, el Hain’t né reason for mentionin’ that I might want to talk to him, is there? Hain't sald so, have I?" 'You hain't,” said Pliny, at last en- MARTHA CAME HA! Neighbors is lookin’ after him.” | ¢ n | blows his final trum remed; 7| But semethin’ Le lightened as to Scattergood’s desire in_the matter. “G'by, Pliny.” “G'by, Scattergood.” An hour later Jed Lewis sauntered past the store and stopped. “Pliny Pickett says you want to ses me, Scattergood.” “Sald that, did he? Told you I said I wanted to see you? “Wa-al, maybe not exactly. Not in so ny words. But he kind of hinted around and pecked around till I figgered that was what the ol' coot was gittin® at.” “Um! Didn't tell him nothin' of the kind, but as long's you're here you might as well set. Hain' much of you lately. How's the hayin'?” “Too much rain. Got her cocked ‘livteo and had to spread her ag'in to 'd'gur any politics talked around, Jed? “Nothin’ special.” Jed was brief in his answers. He med depressed, and conducted him- 1f like 3 man who had something on his mind. “Any fresh news from anywheres?" “Hain't heard noge.” “Hear about the Packinces down to Bailey?” ‘Never heard tell of 'em® There w excellent reason for this, be- cause no such family the Packinses existed in Bailey or ywhere else, to Scattergood’s knowledge. “Goin' to separate,” said Scatter- good. Jed looked up quickly, bit his lip, and looked down again. 'What fur?' he asked. Nobody kin figger out. Jest agree- in’ to disagree. Can't git alohg, no- how. Always naggin’ at each other and squabblin’ and hectorin’. Nice young folks, too. Used to set a_heap of store by one another. Can't figger how they come to disagree like they do!" “Nobody kin figger it out,” said Jed, with sudden vehemence. “All to once you wake up and things is that way, and you dunno how they come It jest drifts along. Fust you things has went all to smash.” “Um! You talk lie you knowed somethin’ about it.” “Nobody knows more," sald the young man, bitterly. He was sud- denly conscious that he wanted to talk about his domestic affairs; that he wanted to loose the story of his troubles and dwell upon them in all thelr ramifications. “Do_tell,” said Scattergood, with an inflection of astonishment. * % ¥ % ULIARTHY and me has about come to the partin’ of our roads, sald Jed. “It's come gradual, with- out our notiein’ it, but it's here at last. Seems like we can’t bear the sight of each other—when we git to- gether. And yit—sounds mighty funny, too—I caic'late to be as fond of Marthy as ever I was. But the minute we git together we bicker and quarrel till there haln't no pleas- ure into life at all” “All Marthy’s fault, hain’t 1t? Kind of mean disposition, hain’t she?" “No sich thing, Scattergood, and you know it dum well. There didn’t use to be a sweeter dispositioned girl in the state than Marthy. Somethin's est went wrong. They's times when I git mad, and it all 1ooks to be her fault, and then I ketch my own self startin’ some hectorin’ ~meanness. *Tain’t all her fault, and 'tain’t all my fault. The whole sum and substance of it is that we can't git along with each other no more.” o “So you calc'late to lDll'“l.te? Ba“h“"‘l‘fi.l l;up me.’ “Mart| willin®?" "}ll\n'tynelthir of us willin’. We fix it up and agree to try over ag'in, and then, fust thing we know, we're right into_the middle of another squabble. want Marthy, and I guess Marthy waflts me, but we want each other like we was five year back and not like we be now.” & ‘Been married five year, hain't ive year last Apri “Uw! Wa-al, I hope nothin’ comes ¢ it, Jed. But if it has to it will Better live happy separate than un- happy together. “G'bye, Jed. Scattergood did not discuss this problem with Mandy, his wife, as it was his custom to discuss business problems. He did not mention the young Lewises, because the first rule of Mandy’'s life was, “Mind your own business,” and it irritated her beyond ure to see Scattergood Doking is finger into every dish that offered. e did talk the matter over with Deacon Pettybone, but got little en- lightenment for his pains. “Don't seem natteral,” Scattergood said, “f'r young folks te git to quar- lin' and bickerin' ontil life hain't endurable no_longer. ’'Tain’t enat- tera] a-tall. Somethin’ must be all- fired wrong somewheres.’ h “Nothin’ on- cussedness. “Same thing,” said the you're human you're cui to be mo ip the Garden of Ede d wn p ' on bein’ till Gabriel ““Tgin’t no more natteral to bicker than ‘tis to have dispepsy. Quarrel- in' and hectorin’ hain’t nothin’ but a kind of dispepsy that attacks fam- ilies instid stummicks. In both cases it means somethin' is wrang.” “Can’t cure & unhappy family with 8 dose of calomel,” sald the deacon, “Hain't so sure. Bet that identical ‘u'd fix up three out of ten. m young thin’ ‘u'd eure ‘em, if only a feller could figger out what "twas.” “Might try soothin sirup,” said the Y INTO THE ROOM. “WHAT Y( “It's human nature to quarrel,” said | f: h THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, NOVEMBER 20, 1921—PART 4. deacon, with an ironic grin. *Sounds like it ought to git results—soothin’ sirup, eh? Have to tell the boys that one. Soothin’ syrup. Perty good f'r an old man. Don't call to mind makin' no joke like that f'r twenty year.” “Do it often, deacon,” sald Scatter- good, gravely. “You won't have to take so much sody followin' meals to aweeten you up. G'bye, Deacon Soothin' sirup. Um! 1 swanny- He looked actoss the square and saw that Pliny Pickett was delighting an audience with apocryphal remi- niscences, doubtless of a gallant and spicy character. It is characteristic of Scattergood that he waited until Pliny had reached his climax, shot it off, and was doubled up with laughter at his own narration, before he lifted up his voice and summoned the stage driver. ¢ WANT?®” SHE D “Hey, ute.” ‘omin’,”” said Pliny, with aldcrity. ‘Then in an aside to his audienc e that? Can't let an evenin' pass with- out a conference with me. Sets a heap of store by my judgment.” “Sets more store by vour laigs” said old man Bogle. “They kin run errants, anyhow."” Pliny hastened across the square, and In careful imitation of.Scatter- good said, “Evenin’, Scattergood.” “Evenin’, Pliny. Flow of language good as usual tonight? with no trouble sayin' what you had to say?’ “Not a mite, Scattergood.” 'ome through Bailey today?" * ary. 'What's become of that what's-his- name baby you was a'tellin’ about? The one that lost his ma and was b cared for by neighbors?" hin' hain't become of him. te he'll be took to a institu- ot io! “Um! Likely-lookin' two-year-old, lwl:! he? Take note of any blem- shes “I hear tell by them that knows as how he was sound in wind and limb.” “Who's keepin’ him, Pliny?" “Mis' Patterson's sort of shuffled him in with her seven. Says she don’t notice no difference to speak of. Claims 'tain’t possible f'r eight chil- dren to be no noisier 'n what seven ber G'bye, Pliny. Ever deal “Um! in facts over there to the post office Ever have occasion to mention facts? “Er—not reg’'lar facts, Scattergood. You needn’t to worry about my talk- in’ too free." “Seems like a feller that talks as much as you do would have to men- tion a fact once in a while. G'bye, Pliny." It was two or three days later that Postmaster Pratt alluded again to Martha and Jed Lewis. * *k k% ¢« THEY'RE gittin’ wuss and wuss, he sald, with some gratifica- tion. “Last night they was a rumpus you could 'a’ heard forty mile. Ended up by him threatenin’ to leave her, and by her tellin’ him that if he didn't she’d lock him out of the house. Looks to me like that family fracas vas about ripe to bust.” ‘Signs all p'int that Too bad, hain’t it? There's a/reason f'r it, 1 calc'late. Ever look f'r the reason, Will? Ever think about it at all?” “Hain't had np time. Post office keeps me thinkin’ night and day. “Well, I have. Figgered a heap.” ‘Any results, Scattergood?” ‘Some—some.” “What be they?” Scattergood's eyes twinkled in the darkness. “I got it all figgered out.” he said, “that them young folks needs a dose of soothin’ sirup.” “I want to know,” said the post- master, breathlessly and with bewil- derment. ~*“Soothin' sirup!" I swan to man! Hain't been out in the heat, kave you, Scattergood?’ Scattergood made no reply to this question. He merely waggled his head and said: “G’bye, Will. G'bye.” Next morning Scattergood walked past the Lewis place. He passed it three times before he made up his mind whether to go in or not, but finally he turned through the gate and walked around to the Kkitchen door. Inside he saw Martha ridding up the kitchen, not with a morning song on her lips, but wearing a sullen expression which sat ill on her fine New England face. “Mornin’, Marthy,” he called. She looked up and smiled suddenly. The change in her face was aston- ishing. “Mornin’, Mr. Baines. Set right down on the porch. Let me fetch you a hot cup of coffee. ‘Twon't take a minute to make.” “Can’t stop,” said Scattergood. *“I was lookin’ for Jed.” “Jed’'s gone,” she replled, shortly, the sullen expression returning to her back ‘fore noon.” ! Wa-al, I calc'late I kin keep on drawin’ my breath till then— it you kin. I call to mind the time ‘when you was all-fired oneasy if Jed 80 w;{ from you for six hours in a stretch.” “Them times is gone, she said, shortly. “Shuck aid Scattergood. “They be,” she said, fiercely. “Haln't no use tryin’ to hide it. Jed and me is about through. Nothin’ but fussin’ and backbitin’ and maneuverin'. He don't care f'r me no more like he used to, and—' “You don’t set sich a heap of store by him,” Scattergood interrupted. Martha hesitated. “I do,” she sald, “But I can't put up with it slowly. no_mor “Jed's fault—mostly,” sald Scatter- good, as one speaks who utters .an accepted fact. o more'n mine,” she with a sudden flash. “I du sald, nno wha but we no git into the same room than it com- A Didn't meet mences. ‘Tain’t nobody's fault—it Jest I - “Um! Kinder like to have things the way they used to be?’ “Oh, Mr. Baines!" Her eyes filled. “Them first two-three years! Jed was the best man a woman ever had. “Hain't drinkin’, is he?" “Never touches a drop.” “Jest his nasty temper,” sald Scat- tergood, casually. A “No sich thing. It's jest happened so0.” We can’t git on, and I'm through tryin’. One of us is goin' to git out of this house. I've made up my mind.” She started untying her apron. “I'm a-goin’ right now. Itll be offn my mind then, and I kin sort of git a fresh start. I'm goin’ right now and pa Kind of hasty, hain't you? Now, Marthy, as’a special favor to me I wish youd stay; maybe two days Pliny! Step over here a min- | more. I got a special reason. If you was to go this mornin' it ‘u'd upset my plans. After Sattidy you kin do 2s you like, and maybe it's best you should part. But I do wisht you could see your way to stayin' till Sattidy.” “I @on't see why, Mr. Baines. but it it'll be any good to you, I'll do it. But not a minute after Sattidy—now | mind that!" Marthy. G'by.| “Much ‘bleeged, Marthy. G'by.” On Friday Scattergood was Invisi- ble in Coldriver village, for he had started away before dawn, driving his sway-backed horse over the moumtain roads to the southward. He notified | nobody of his going, unless it was Mandy, his wife, and even to her he cid not make apparent his errand. * ok ok ¥ PEFORE noon he wassin Bailey and stopping before the small white house in which Mrs. Patterson man- aged by ingenuity to fit in a husband, a mother-in-law, an aged father, seven children of her own, the Conroy orphan and a constantly. changing number of cats. Nobody could have done it but Mrs. Patterson. The house resembled one of those puzzle boxes containing a number of curiosly sawn pieces of wood. which, once re- moved, can be returned and fitted in place again only by some one who knows the secret. .\'vx'fl!l(‘rgon(‘ entered the house, re- mained upward of an hour, and then reappeared, followed by Mrs. Patter- son, seven children. an old man and | an old woman—and in his arms was a baby whose lungs gave promise of & heaithy manhood. “Do this much does he?" Scatter- good asked, uneasil. ““Not more'n most, terson. said Mrs. Pat- U It he lets on to be hungry, what's the best thing to feed him up on? T got a bag of doughnuts and five-six sandwiches and nigh unto half a apple pie in the buggy." “Feed him them,” said Mrs. Patter- son, “and vou'll be like to hear some real yellin. What he's doin’ now hain’t nothin’ ‘but his objectin’ to you carryin’ him like he was a horse blanket. . You wait right there till I it a bottle of milk. _And I'll fix you some sugar in a rag that you kin put into his mouth if he acts uneasy. Itll quiet him right off.” ~“Much 'bleeged. Hain't had much experience with young uns. Might's well start now. Bet we 'n this here one gits, well acquainted 'fore we reach Coldriver. 3 “"Twouldn't s'prise me a mite,” re- plied Mrs. Patterson, with something that might have been a twinkle in her tired eyes. “I almost feel I should go_along with you." “G'by, Mrs, Patterson,” sald Scat- tergood, hastily, and he climbéd into his buggy clumsily, placing the baby on the seat beside him, and holding it in place with his left arm. “G'by." The buggy rattled off. The baby hushed suddenly and began to look at the horse. “Kind of come to your senses, eh?" said Scattergood. “Now, you and me's goin' to git on fine if you jest keep your inouth shet. If you behave your- self proper I dunno but what I kin find a stick of eandy f'r you when we git there.” Presently Scattergood looked down to find the baby asleep. He drove slowly and cautiously, whispering what commands he felt were indi pensable to his horse. This delight- ful situation continued for upward of two hours, and Scattergood sald to himself that folks who bothered about traveling with infants must be very easily worried. “Jgst as soon ride with this one clean to the Pacific coast,” he sald. #nd then the baby awoke. Tt blinked and looked about it; it rubbed its. eyes; it stared severely up at Scattergood; it opened its mouth tentatively, closed it again, and then —and then it uttered such an ear- plercing, long-drawn shriek that the 0ld_horse jumped with fright. “Hey, there!” said the startled Scat- tergood. “Hey! What's allin’ you now?" The baby closed his eyes, clenched his fists, kicked out with his legs, ve himself up whole-heartedly listen here; tl have. You won't git that candy——" Louder and more piercing arosé the baby’s cries. Scattergood dropped the reins, lifted the baby to his knee, and jounced it up and down furiously, per- forming an act which he imagined to be singing, & thing he had heard w: interesting and soothing to babi It did not even attract this one's at- tention. . ; “Sufferin’ heathen!” Scattergood said. “What in tunket was it that woman said I sh’'u'd do? Hain't they no way of shuttin’ him off? Look-ee here, young feller, you jest quit It. PB'jing, here's my watch. You ki listen to it tick.” The baby tried the watch on his toothless gums, found it not to his taste, and flung it from him with such vehemence that it would have ffered permanent injury but for the, ise and strength of the silver chain which- attached it to Scattergood. The cries became more maddening. Scattergood was not hungry, so it did not occur to him that the infant might be thinking of food. He dan- dled it, he whistled, he sang, he pointed out the interesting attributes of his horse and promised to direct attention to a rabbit or even a deer in a moment, but nothing availed. Perspiration was pouring down Scat- tergood’s face, and his expressivn was that of a man who devoutly wishes he were far ctherwise than he is. Half an hour of this seemed to Scattergood llke the length of a sizable day—and then he remembered the milk. Frantically he fished it out of the basket and thrust it toward the young person, who did with it what seemed right to him, and, with a gurgle of satisfaction, settied down to business. Scattergood sighed, wiped his forehead and revised his opinion of folks who were worrled at the prospect of travel with an infant. * ok % THE rest of that drive was a night- mare to Scattergood. When_ the baby yelled he was in torment. When the baby slept he was in torment lest he wake it, so that it would com- mence again to ery. He sweat cold and he sweat hot, and he wished in his secret heart and blamed himself for many things—chiet of which was that he had not brought Mandy along 10 bear the brunt of the adventure. Fut at last, long after nightfall, with baby fast asleep, Scattergood drove into Coldriver by deserted and circuitous roads. He stopped his horse in a dark spot on the edge of the village, and, with the baby cau- tiously hold in his arms, through back ways and short cuts to the house where Jed and Martha Lewis made their home. With metic- ulous stealth he passed through the gate, laid the baby on the doorstep, rang the bell long and determinedly, and then, with astonishing quiet and agility, hid himself in the midst of a clump of lilacs. The door opened, and a light shone through upon the squirming bundle that lay upon the step. A tentative cry issued from the baby; a bass ex- clamation Issued from Jed Lewis. “My Gawd! Marthy, somebody's left a baby here!” Martha pushed past her husband and lifted the baby in her arms. She said no word, but Scattergood could see her press it close, and, in_the light that came through the door, could see the expression of her face. It satisfied him. “What we goin’ to do with the dog- gone thing?" Jed demanded. Martha pushed past. him into the house, and he followed, wordless, closing the door after him. Scatter- good remained for some time, and then slunk away. Postmaster Pratt gave the news to Scattergood in the morning. “Somebody went and left a baby on to Jed Lewlis' stoop last night,” he declared. “Haln’t nobody been able to identify it. Nary a mark nor a sign on to it no place. Whatever possessed anybody to leave a baby there of all places?” “I want to know."” exclaimed Scat- tergood. “Giri or boy?" “Boy, I'm_told. “What's Jed say? “Hain't sayin’ much. Jest sets and kind of hangs on to his head, and every once in a while he gits up and looks at the baby, and then goes back to holdin’ his head™ “How about Marthy?" “Marthy,” said Postmaster Pratt. “I can't make out about Marthy, but 1 heard her a-singin' this mornin’ ‘fore breakfast. Fust time I heard her sing for more'n a year.” “Might 'a’ been singin’ to the baby,” Scattergood suggested. “Naw, it was while she was gittin’ breakfast. Jest the time she and Jed quarrels most powerful.” During the day all of Coldriver called to see the mysterious infant. Nobody could give a clue to its iden- tity, and it was decided unanimously that it had been brought from a dis- tance. As to the Intentions of the “SUPPOSE THE MISSUS HAD T WK. FOR 2% CENTURYS. I BET DUREING THE LAST COUPLE 100 he struck | Changing the Schedule of Life By Ring W. Lardner. By Clarence Budington Kelland. Lewlses regarding its disposition, they were non-committal. It was universally accepted as fact, however, that the baby would be sent to an in- stitution. Thereupon Scattergood called upon the first selecman. “What's the town goin’ to do about that baby?’ he demanded “Tax- payers ‘Il 'be wantin’ to know. Seems like the town's liable fr its support.” “Calc’late we be—calc'late we be. I been figgerin' on what steps to take " “Better go across to Jei tify 'em,” sald Scattergood. “They’ll be” “expectin’ you to action prompt. I'll go 'long with you.” They walked down the street and rapped at the Lewises’ door. “Come on official business,’ first selectman, pompously, “connected with that there foundlin'” Martha came hastily into the room. “What you want?” she demanded in a dangerous voice. Come to tell you we would take that baby off'n your hands and send it to a institution. Git it ready, and we'll take it tomorrow. “Take that baby! Did you hear him, Jed Lewis? Did you hear that man say as how he was goin’ to take away my baby?’ She stumbled across the room to Jed and clutched the lapels of his coat Scattergood no- ticed with some pleasure that Jed's arm went automatically about her waist. ¢ “Make ‘em git out, Jed. Tell ‘em they can't take this baby. want we should keep it, don't you, Jed? We wanted one. You know how we wanted one. You're goin’ to let us keep it, hain't you, Jed?” * ok ok X ED put Martha aside gently and walked over to a makeshift crib in the corner, where the baby was asleep, where he stood for a moment looking down at it with a curlous expression. Then he turned sud- denly, strode to the door, opened it and pointed. “Gi he said to the first selectman and Scattergood. “Jed—Jed—darlin’,” Martha cried, and as Scattergood passed out he saw ifrom the corner of his eye that she was sobbing on her husband’s hick- jory shirt and that he was patting her back with awkward gentleness. “Looked a mite like Jed wanted we should go.” said Scattergood. “I'll have the law on him. He'll be showed that he can't stand up to the {first selectman of this here town. e s “You'll go home and set down in the shade and cool off,” said Scatter- good. merrily, “and while you're ja-coolin’ you might sort of thank {Gawd that there's sich things as human bein's with human feelin's, and that there's sich things as babies— that sometimes gits themselves left on the right doorsteps. G'by, select- man. G'by. A week later Scattergood was pass- ing the Lewis home early in the jevening. TIn the side yard was a ham- {mock under the trees which had been {unoccupied this year past, but to- night it was occupied again. Martha was there with the baby against her breast, and Jed was there, his arm tightly "about his wife, and one of the baby's hands lying on his cal- loused palm. As Scattergood watched he saw Jed bend clumsily and Kkiss the tiny fingers—and Martha turned a trifie and smiled up into her hus- \band's eves. Scattergood passed on, blinking, lDerlmps because dust had gotten in his eyes, He stopped at the post office and spoke to Postmaster Pratt. “Call to mind my speakin' of soothin’ syrup and Jed Lewis and his wife?" he asked. “Seems like I mind it, Scattergood.” “Jest walk past their house, post- master. Calc’late you'll see I figgered clost to right. ~Marthy's a-sittin’ there with Jed in the hammick, and they're _a holdin’ on their lap the doggondest soothin' syrup f'r man and wife that any doctor c'u'd perscribe. and no- o Calc'late it's one of them nature's remedies. Go take a look, postmaster. G'by."” (Copyright, 1921, by Harper & Bros.) '0 LISTEN TO THAT STORY ONCE A THEY WOULD COME A EVENING YRS, WHEN SHE WOULD FORGET HER MANNERS AND DOZE OFF WITH HER MOUTH OPEN." O THE EDITOR: Out in CRi- cago a wile ago they had 2 convention of insurance men from all over the country and I don't know what business they done or how they behaved them- selves but they was one thing that come up during the session which I am sure the most of my readers can't help from being interested in same and that was a report made by a man that gets paid big money for figuring out how long people is libel to live and this man is suppose to be an expert on the subject and his remarks is taken for gospel truth though hel is in the insurance business. ¢ ‘Well friends here is what this ma had to say. He says that on acct. of prohibition and because the human race are getting more and more care- ful what they put in their stomach and learning how to take care of themself and paying more tension to little things that ails them, why he says fhat pretty near everybody Is now living 10 yrs. longer than they use to and it won’t be long till they are liyeing to be 300 yrs. old instead of 70 yrs old and if a man dies befo he-has reached the 250th. millstone they will say he was ‘cut off in his 2 Lo et e prime or died of infantile paralysis or something. That is-what the man said and he is suppbsed to know what he is talk- ing about and it looks to me like we should ought to face the situation and get ready for same and change things around 50 as to meet the new con- ditions because wile the way we live now may be O. K. for 70 yrs.. still and 'all, life is libel to loose some of its zip by the time you have added 230 yrs. on top of the 70. . I J_TKE for inst, most people gets mar- ried when the man is around 26 yrs. old and the gal 24. Well friends, the way it is now days that leaves them 45 yrs. to live together and even | that long gets to be a kind of a strain even if you are married to the nicest little gal in the world. Suppose it was 275 yrs. instead. I am afraid that once or, twice dur- ing the last 250 yrs. one or the other of the 2 partys might maybe forget | themseit for a minute and say sofme- thing to each other besides, “Kiss me.” Even with only 45 yrs. on the schedule I know of wifes that act like they was bored when their husband brings & man friend home to dinner and: they set around till 2 A. M. talk- tinued on Largest Bomb in World Is Latest Aircraft Idea Most Powerful and Effi- cient Wenpon of Its Type Is Tried Out at Aberdeen Proving Grounds—The Result of Explosion of 4,000- pound Demolition Bomb. FOUR-THOUSAND-POUND de- molition bomb, the largest bomb so far produced in the world, was recently tested by the Army ordnance department at Aberdeen proving ground. This bomb represents the latest development in & systematic program which is being followed by the ordnance department in the preparation of armament for aircraft, and is believed to be the most powerful and efficlent weapon of its type produced by any country. ‘When bombs were first used with aircraft they were comparatively small, but with experience in testing and use many types have been de- veloped until they now differ widely in construction and vary in weight from a few ounces to several thou- sand pounds. During the war the largest bomb manufactured in this country weighed 1,100 pounds, and some produced abroad weigheéd as much as 2,000 pounds. Shortly after the signing of the armistice a care- ful study was made of bombs by a board of officers appointed by the| War Department, and as a result a| program was prepared which covered | the development of all types of A SIX-FOOT SOLDIER AND A 4,000-POUND DEMOLITION BOMB, DRAWN TO SAME SCALE. (Courtesy of SBcientific American.) bombs, some to be even larger than those used during the war. For several years the ordnance de- partment, has been engaged in per- fecting the designs of the smadller bombs and until the present year no work was undertaken on boml larger in size than those weighing 1,100 pounds. During this time all bombs obtained from British and Ger- man sources during the war were | studied and tested. ‘When it became known that exten- sive bombing tests were to be held with the ex-German ships, turned over to this country, it was appre-| ciated that these tests would afford a great opportunity to obtain intor- mation as to the value of large demo- lition bombs. As a result the devel- opment of a 2,000-pound bomb was immediately started, and in a few months the production of several of this type, for use in the bombing ma- neuvers, was completed. These were used against the ex-German ships and ex-U. 8. 8. Alabama with highly satisfactory results from a bomb- design standpoint, but since it was realized that bombs even farger might be required to destroy ithe largest naval targets or demolish land tar- such as great munition fac- coast gun emyplacements, railroad terminals and storage de- pots, it was decided to extend the de- velopment program already outlined to include the design of a 4,000-pound bomb. * kK * F all bombs those of the demolition type have the widest field of ap- plication and are therefore of great military importance. They carry a large amount of high explosive, the charge being from 50 to 60 per cent of the total weight of the bomb, and when they strike a terrific blast is produced by the detonation of the charge, which, ‘within its destructive range, causes tremendous damage. Demolition bombs are used in at- tacking manufacturing plants of all types, storehouses, ammunition dumps, railroads, railroad termi- nals, docks, locks, naval vessels of | all types and simi material targets. | In bombin; y of these objectives that size of bomb is used which will insure, if posgible, not partial, hull complete destruction of the target. To the average person bombs are) merely large cannon balls filled with some sart of explosive, but to those engaged in their gn they are very complicated mechanisms which must fulfill certain very definite re- 8. ing a demolition bomb the main obfect is to produce a bomb body which will hold the greatest possible amount of high explosive and 1-! be strong enough to with- stand impact with a target, or even to: penetrate it. When a factory is attacked the maximum amount of damage is produced it the bomb pen- etrates the roof and floors of the bullding_and functions only after it has reached the ground floor or base- ment, for then the force of the de- tonation fairly bursts the building apart. Of course, a bomb of this type will not penetrate heavy armor, but must be so designed that it will pass through the roof and floors of the ordinary factory or warehouse. ‘These bombs must be equipped with two fuses, one in the nose and the other in the tail, s0 that if one fails the other will function. Under cer- tain conditions the fuses must be furnished with delay elements so that on impact the bomb will have time to penetrate before it functions, as, for instance, in the case of an at- tack against & manufacturing plant. ‘Where only surface destruction is desired the fuses should be set for instantaneous action upon impact. For example, when a city is attacked and the bomb strikes in a street, it should function instantaneouslty, so that the force of the detonation will not be absorbed In the formation of a crater, but will be directed as a blast against the walls of the adjacent | sheet steel cone. will be caught in the crater and be ineffective. * K ok % IN attacking naval targets the most effective results are obtained when the bomb strikes close alongside a £hip und the fuse delays the deton tion until the bomb reaches an appre- clable depth. It then acts as a mine and blows in the side of the ship. When the target is a line of com- munication, such as a road or rail- road, a large crater effect is desired on account of the resulting difficulty of restoring the roadbed, and to pro- duce this a slight delay is required enabling the bomb to bury itselt be- fore defonating. The fuses must be so designed that the bomb can be carried by airplane with perfect safety, for in the event of a crash the safety devices in the fuses must prevent the bomb from func- tioning. Also, in case of a forced land- ing, when it {8 necessary for the safe- ty of the airplane to release its load of bombs, the mechanism of the fu must allow them to be dropped “safe In designing the homb body caref consideration must be given 1o adapt ability to stowage of the bomb in the airplane, to its proper flight and to efficient ‘blast effect. The structure of the present airplanes requires that large bombs be - carried outside the fuselage, but since in that position they offer added resistance to the pas- sage of the airplane through the air. ‘stream-line” form should be used if possible. This “stream-line” form is also of advantage, since it tends to give high striking velocity and re- duces the time of flight. All bombs must fly true, and to insure this they are guided in their flight by four fins, properly proportioned with respect to the hody, and attached to it. The di- rection ‘of blast from the detonation of & charge in a bomb is approximate- Jy perpendicular to the exterior mur- face of the explosive, and the bomb case should be 50 designed that the maximum blast will he in a hori- zontal direction, as this is most ef- fective against the usual target. Finally, the bomb as a whole must be designed so that it can be pro- duced in quantity in this country. utilizing such facilities as will be available for its manufacture in the event of war. This last consideration is of the utmost importance. With these general requirements the design of a 4,000-pound bomb was un- geornt;l;eunr;n:hg re;u;'u obtained with the ,000- om| c- tory thonnd bomb had been so satisfa The pictures show the bomb as deve It is thirteen and one-half feet ' in length and two feet in diametnr The body is a cylinder of steel tubing each end of which is closed by a steci casing, the nose being brought to point, the rear end being a slightly co vex plate ribbed to carry a rim, Which the cone of the fin assembl. K y. A The fin assembly is made up of four large shect steel fins riveted to € The fins are braced in two places by el tubes extending h‘etween the fins and riveted to them The fin assembly is held to the body the bomb by a steel tube which extends backward from the rear of the body a nit on the tube engaging against ti: rear end of the cone and forcing th cone over the rim of the casting at the rear end of the bomb. * ¥ % % THE bomb is equipped with two fuses, one in the nose, the other in the rear end of the body. These fuses can be equipped with delay ele- ments as desired, so that Instantancous action or delays of a few hundredths of a second up to several seconds can be obtained. The fuses have the usual wind-shield safety feature, which op- erates as the bomb falls, the wind- Wheels releasing the firing pins so that on impact the primers in the fuses will be struck and the bomb detonated. For attachment to the airpla: two lugs are provided which are bolted to :.;ll: Z:;Anlgrh:gyn;l laqull ;llluncal from vity an mfr;lill{:;ml Al ¥ spaced to fit e bomb, though designated as th 4.000-pound ' demolition vomb. actually weighs about 4,300 pounds and has a main charge of about 2,000 pounds of T. N. T. ‘The design was drawn up by the aircraft armament division in the office of the chief of ordnance in Wash- ington, the production of the metal parts was handled by Frankford Ar- fenn.l, Phll:delphhl. Pa, and the load- ng was done at Pl At Picatinny Arsenal, The body was probably the large contiiner ‘ever loaded with high e plusive and one week was required for the filling of each homb. The ex- plosive T.N. T. is melted and poured into the case in increments, time being allowed for each increment tu solidify before the next is added. It is interesting to note that after final pouring the charge was four days' more in cooling, while only about six hours are necessary for the charge of a ten-inch shell to cool. The testing of the bomb took place, as has becn mentioned, at Aberdeen proving ground. The largest air- plane available at this time was a Hundley Page, and the question nat- urally arose, first, as to whether it could lift so great a load, and second. as to what effect the release of s much weight, all at one time, would have upon it. A bomb loaded to weight with Inert material was there- fore used first to test the airplane and ihe carrying device. The airplane took off successfully and the bomb was dropped without apparent diffi- culty. The officer of the air service who piloted the airplane stated that when the bomb was released the air- plane shot up about twenty feet, but the effect was no greater than that from a bad bump often encountered in flying. With this problem disposed of, everything was ready for the final test. A loaded bomb was taken up and released from an altitude of 4,000 feet. The observing party was sta- tioned for safety in a tower fully 2,000 yards from the point of Impact. but even at this distance every fea- :ll;l]ra of the test was clearly discern- e. * ¥ x % THE bomb fell perfectly, witbout apparent oscillation, and to those watching, appeared like a large pen- cil dropping from the sky. When it | struck, a great mass of earth and dense biack smoke was blown up hun- dreds of feet in the air, and several seconds later the crash of the detona- tion reached the observers. The bomb was equipped with & short delay fuse. which allowed it to penetrate at least ten feet before it detonated. The formation of the crater smothered to a certain extent he blast or concus- sion from the detonation so that it was scarcely felt at the observation Pnln‘L The pilot and observer of the airpiane, however, though 4,000 feet above, reported that they felt a de. cided bump. The crater formed was immediately inspected. As the crater was ap- proached it appeared like a small fort. ‘The earth from the crater had been out, forming a rampart five gh around the edge; !,046 cubic vards of earth had been displaced and a hole nineteen feet below the original surface of the ground and sixty-five feet in diameter had been blasted out. This was probably the largest crater ever produced by a sin- gle projectile. Inside an daround the crater jagged fragments of the bomb case were found, varying in welght from a few ounces to several pounds, which agalnst a material target would have added greatly to the de- structive effect of the blast. Further tests of the 4,000-pound. bomb will be made to ascertain more completely its destructive effect, but considering the results ready ob- tained and the targets against which it will be used in time of war. it ix doubtful if a bomb of greater weight will be structed for some time. ‘Witn s of the destruction of Ostfriesland and Alabama were deep ly impressed by the work of the bombs, both in wrecking the super- structure and in sinking the ships by crushing in the hull below water. T! ;’““dhgtl Dfml” ::I;lne:‘l:u u: B”r!.' targets, it is true, were anchored, b“ t ly effective, but it the action |over inst this is the fact that of the Lu permits & de! mb | aerial bomding is a comparatively will bury itself, and when it func- :‘e.v;'.an. e le of great develop- tions a large number of fragments