Evening Star Newspaper, November 6, 1921, Page 70

; N&VEMR 6, 1921—PART '4. “M “THE BO APLE-HONEYX-KID!" Brian Born Blaney leaned from Pullman seat 25 and thus addressed himself to the somber orbs of light becomingly set in the features of the very new Mrs. Blaney, that lady being comfortably cushioned in Pullman seat 27. “Sugar-boy-dear!” previously responded the matter-of-fact Betsy. Then, with a momentary lapse into sanity, she whispered: “Brian, whole car is looking at us!” Responsive to the warning, Brian mads a sudden movement, and several handfuls of rice clattered to the floor from various parts of his clothing. “Darn _that godspeed stuff!” he grumbled. the worse T hate Japs.” He removed his hat and shook thkerefrom a miniature hallstorm. The entire car tittered—there was an excursion of rather young Boston schoolma’ams returning from San Bruno. Brian blushed to_the wrinkled to a broad grin. Hisywas one of those natures to whom pub- licity in any form can never be quite distasteful. “Enjoy yourselves, girls!" he emiled, bowing to his appreciative audience. On the lapel of his coat hung a bright blue button nearly as large as a saucer and labeled: “The more 1 see of rice roots of his auburn hair, then his cheeks the OSTER’S HONE "WHEN IS A HICK? By WALLACE IRWIN - Ill'llstrated By Norman Anthony ‘Those are ing to tip him In public. a few rough rules which may keep you a while out of the Order of Straw along the Great White Graft, says Uncle Obe."" “That was thoughtful of him,” Betsy Intimated. 'Y-yes,” agreed Brian grudgingly. “But it makes me kind o' sore. What brand o' lobsters do those N' York dudes eat that makes 'em so all-fired brighter'n the rest o' the country? Can’t an Indian from another reser- vation blow in with his war-paint and not- 7L “They’re mnaturally lots more ex- perienced than we are, living as they THE Booster Has Married Betsy Spancer and They Have Started for New York to Spend Their Honeymoon. Never Seen New York. Neither Had Betsy. Their Exciting Adventures in the Most Ro- mantic City in America—Their Perplexities, the Strange Coincidences That Befall Them and the Wonderful Outcome of Their Experi- ences—Are Told in the Following Story. The Booster Had “I trust I'm not making & nuisance of myself—" “Not yet,” replied Brian, turning for the first time in the direction of the scenery. “My name is McCosh—@G. Hunter Mc- Cosh,” sald the florid person, still smiling. “Any time you want to look me up, I'm in car 3.” He strode jaun- tily away. *Oh, Sugar Boy, how rude of you!" Betsy. chided, as soon as the other man had gone * kK X Kk “TA KE it from me, Betsy,” said Brian, in rather a depressed porie, and In Keokuk I was black- mailed poor by a rube I trled the badger game on.” “So you're advancin’ on New York.” “That's the stuff! The only town in America where you can catch the hick off his n with the golden eggs ex- posed. I got a cousin doin’ well there on the old glass-ring game.” “Yes,'but look at the competition!” Brian objected. “There's three bunks there to every hick. And what’s your homemade mining swindle against the kind of graft they make by ma- chinery?” “Well, I'm gettin' old,” sighed the swindler. “But a fresh train load o’ straw arrives at the New York Cen- tral every fifteen minutes. This is my last stand—maybe I won't have to keep bar in my ol b “If you ain't skinned poor before you've been in New York a week, come around to me and I'll buy some of your goods,” sald Brian kindly, but with deep foreboding; for he was still mindful of O'Malley’s tale of what greedy Gotham does to the nativ outsider, . * % % % T is the conventional thing for the newcomer in New York to pause Aladdin-like, mind Wwhirling, eyes blinking at the magic works-of thess dfipns who have bewitched mankind. Shall he fiy first to the Metropolitan Museum or shall it be the Metropoll- tan Tower? Shall he climb the Statue of Liberty or descend into the sub- MeCOSH WAS SEEN TO RISE FEVERISHLY, EXTEND A LOVING HAND TO HIS VICTIM, AND STRIDE FORTH INTO THE UNKNOWN. “Boost for San-‘Bruno.” This token, -as well as an enormous harp- ‘ shaped floral emblem which reposed i between their chairs, bearing tl t’ _in_ white carnatiol £ the San Bruno ! Boosters’ Clubg which organization had accompanied. them to the station with the city's enthu: 8 brass band, and m’ of overshoes. * ¥ X BmAN‘! salute to the assembled schoolma’ams was well received by all save Betsy, who sat for several minutes with her eyes averted to- ward the whirling landscape. “Sugar,” she said at last, “I wish you'd take that thing"—pointing to the booster button—*and put it in your pocket. And I wish you'd give that”~—indicating the floral emblem— It reminds me of an Elks' funeral. “Now, Candy-bag!" protested Brian, , in & hurt tone, “we aln’t ashamed of the home town, are we' “You bet we are agreed Betsy warmly. “And that's wby I think it's up to us not to make the home town ridioulous. “Porter!” sald Brian, with one hand beckoning the menial and the other pointing out the floral emblem. “Bear away the tribute!” He slipped the booster button quistly into his pocket. “You, old dandy thin, Thus she rewarded him. He sat awhile in un- natural silence. d “Funny!” he sald, at last. “Those are the very words Obrey O'Malley ®ald to me this morning.” “What words?” “‘Don't make the home town ridicu- lous.’ Y' know, when the Boosters took us to the train, C. W..Ketchum pullin’ my arm loose at the socket while kittenish Sid Eidlitz poured 18 cents' worth o' rice down my col- lar? Well, old Obrey O'Malley led me aside for a minute. Uncle Obe's got more sense in his upper right- hand eyelash than Ketchum can hi in his whole office force. ‘Brian,’ says Obrey, ‘you're going to see N' York for the first time. It's a great big town full o’ things & young man can slip up on and fall over. I hope you won't think me impertinent, but 1 want to give you & word of advice— don’t & hick.” “What's & hick?” asked Betsy. “A hick is a dressed-up Rube out hunting for a shell game,” he de- fined it 've lived in N' York for forty years,’ O'Malley went on, ‘and 1 know it from Wall street to the Plaza. Take it from me, it's up to the stranger coming fresh from the clover to sing low, because every in- habitant of nhattan Island has got the art of financial transgressions ( down to a polsoned pellet. The graft industry is overcrowded there, and N’ York would naturally starve if it ‘wasn't for the man from home who comes plking down Broadway with his check book in his hand and a sprig of timothy over his ear. Life- long practice at the art of bunk has made the N' Yorkers so darned canny they can steal your clothes, ship you home in & borrowed nightle, and make you think you've had a good time. 8o take an old man's tlg. When you eo:n- in lufl!:.zt :‘:- lmhu a: L;b- erty, step g, low, and, for Gawsh sake, don't let ‘em know you're a hickf* “Maybe we'd better go to Falls, after all” Betsy faltered. “I says to O'Malley,” Brian went on, “Uncle Obe, what can I do to conceal my hickory origin? “TIl give ‘you & few don'ts for hicks,” says ey, ‘Don’t smoke = of ‘with & band on it. Don't get , up street cars and ofter a lady your seat. Don't let the barber shave the back of your neck. politics ‘with strangers. DI::”;‘::‘: e with buttons on 3 g ead |the thumb and forefinger. 5 3 do in the midst of things,” she sug- gested. * ¥ ® X €T TM. O'MALLY gave me this letter of introductign.” Brian fished a large envelope from his inner pocket. “Said it was to a real N' Yorker—a fella belonging to a Knickerbocker family so old it con- siders the Vanderbilts vulgar trades- people; sald that if I ever got skin- ned in any sort of a bilk I could go round to this keen young guy and 'd pull me out. Nice of him, wasn't it? “It certainly was” agreed Betsy. She opened the flap of the envelope and read: Dear Dyckman: This is to introduce Mr. Brian Boru Blaney, who come, for_the first time, to see the town. You'll be doing a favor to your father’s old chum if you take my young friend under your wing now and then and steer him clear of any of your cCity's justly celebrated pitfalls. With re- gards to your dad, sincerely, OBREY O'MALLEY. “Now you must present this letter as soon as we get to New York,” said Betsy, in a slightly abashed tone. Brian turned the envelope critically in his hand, reading the address at every conceivable angle. “Mr. Dyckman- Wynkoop, 13% ‘Washington Square,” he read aloud; then added: “That ain't a name; it's & label or an imported cheese.” Just the same, Brian was impressed and was discovered gazing disgusted- ly at his buttoned tan shoes at in- tervals during the trip. They were amid the horrific gran- deurs of the Royal George, battling ground of Titans (according to pro- spectud), when an impertinent” in- trusion appeared in the person of G. Hunter McCosh. Sight-seeing pas- sengers were assembled in the obser- vation car, huddled around each win- dow, to let no marvel pass. Roaring through chasms measureless to mam brow-beaten by infernal crags, thy soft coal smoke of the D. & R.; locomotive added that Stygian toucl 80 well portrayed by the late Mi Dante. Some passengers were re garding the Devil's Needle ahd say- ng, “Ah! Yet others were looking at the far-piled Ogre's Dungeon and remarking “Oh!” But Brian and Betsy were looking into each other's eyes, and the latter was exclaiming, Y r old red-headed proposi- tion— “Just look at that!” said a resonant voice at their shoulders. “Just look at that!” A large, fiorid elderly gentleman with eyeglasses and a toothbrush mustache spread over the bridal couple a prominent plaid suit in a pattern reminiscent of the costume worn by George IV while shooting grouse on the Highland estate of the Mackintosh of Mackintosh. He fairly crowded in between them and point- ed out of the window. “Behold yon masterpiece of nature's antic art, ap- valling cataclysm of a planet's dawn, ne'er limned by any human paint- Hotcur "Cragey rocks! J rocks! race :l demf-"dl—-—" % passed up by Adam and Eve. Say, “Jaggy rocks fit for some race of jold man, I'm sorry for you. You make demijohne—I1 gotcha,” said Brian ap- |me want to cry. Your childish stab preciatively. “You may sing, young man,” con- tinued the eloquent stranger, “of the!wluv. jay town are you going to work terrors of the boundless deep or the wonders of the tropic nlshb—%m look at those rocks. ginger, ain't they ETh the real estate businesst” in- affab) Bri: 3 :Iw:):“ nmr—lsnt& W 0 nt at y e Way you wei us” ;:nnnna the Lln’le Booster, “that you were trying to sell us the Rocky l;nn,l'muln on the easy-pay- T mh youtnt® rhapsodised the bl one. "!znth ‘will have its quip at the wisdom of age. Youth and love. I see_you're a bridal couple. I hofa. madam.” turning a ravishing su;‘:e Batsy, you can spare your :zgllfl a moment.” Turning to Brian with a suspiclously glib mauo"np ,:; oards, sir? _“Not with looking the eyes. you,” sunounced Brian, other eoolly between the w + 18t tone, “that old guy’s phoney. I don't know what he's got to sell, but 1 bet he makes it in a dark room. I won- der why he picked me out?", He look- ed reflectively at his toes, ;and re- membered the warning words of ‘O'Malley. “Gawsh! I wonder if he #aw my buttoned tans!" The further they rushed eastward, the more earnestly Brian Rated his shoes as a recognized badge of Hick- dom. He did not look up Mr. McCosh in car 3, but that thoughtful gentle- man made occasion to sit down next to Brian in the buffet when the lat- ter was enjoying a solitary clgarette. They were approaching Chigago at the time, and McCosh sat paring his \;ro‘:d fingernails with a pearl-handled nife, “Try one of my perfectos,” he sald suddenly, offering an ostentatious roll of tinfoil. ~ 3 “Thanks: I never smoke,” responded Brian, taking a fresh cigarette from his box. “Say, you're a cagey kid, sl right,” laughed the big one, changing from the grandiloquent to the vernacular. His ‘eyes slanted and his weather- beaten mouth came down at ome cor- ner. “What's your line?”. “I'm a fly-catcher.” “Haw-haw! Youre a smart, kid, anyhow. Now, look here. As an en- terprisin’ young business man from the west, launchin’ out on life’s voy- age with & fair young helpmeet, and awaltin’ alert and joyous to hear the welcome knock of ~Opportunity at your door—Opportunity, the goddess who knocks but once—you are un- spoiled, you are ambitious, too smart to let the golden moment pass un- heeded. Ever thought of investin’ in mining stocks?” “Show me,” said Brian in a level one. “As you seé by my card”—he ex- tended a square of pasteboard—"I am general director of the Goodfellow and Surprise Gold Lode Company, In- corporated.” ) “Phew! Is it as bad as that?" “Have your joke!" growled Mr. Me- Cosh. “But the old must be patient with the young._ I want to talk to you like an uncle. I want to put you.on the ground floor in this unparalleled proposition, a chance we only offer :ur particular friends. I like your ace.” Mr. McCosh’'s fat fingers deftly un- folded a bale of handsomely printed papers engraved in rich orange, the seal of Nevada at the head, an intri- cate, wavy border down the margins. i“ had a compelling palm on Brian's nee. “In six months from now they'll pay you twenty-five cents on the dollar— twen-ty-five per cent!” . “Honest,” said Brian, carefully fold- ing the stocks and handing them back; “you're the coarsest Walling- ford make-up I've struck yet." “How's that?” spluttered the big, one. “Excuse me, while I take a good look at you. I thought they had all the old-style con men stuffed and under glass by this time. And to think of one of you whiskered dodos There they stand, sir.!tryin’ to panhandle me—me—with a|we'll beat it for one o’ ‘Uncle dishonesty _{is ler’'n. twice as stale. Say, Tom's Cabin’ and with that line o' country-fair bilk?” “New York,” sald Mr. McCosh, with simple dignity. v “What!” The word came like a pistol shot. “With that? Why, Uncle Rufus, you've got no more show in New York with that _prehistoric swindle than & glass bead on 5th ave. nue. Honest, they teach better grafts than that in the New York public schools. Why don't you stick to St. Jo, uncle, where the grass is long and the grazing good?” s > The face of the honest Mr, McCosh suddenly settled into tragic lines. [ "uhrdb !’“15.ml::v‘ln"ymll_x was e of |card :e,.‘;‘m,,fl"m“."“d' ‘“‘fi.’;:g e m,mnznlph- brother skun bright us,” he be, d e made the B inch: on way." #lgn of Three Walnuts betwesn his door %o quick e ‘most pinched off my [ 77,0 young min ‘st reedine ad umb and fingers. nown |« Boy. probably orange: ol f ow you was in our line o', goods, I'd ,,,,"3"‘" s he o2 =, you and m-l- rap! /s _even "as never come that con on you. But,| «“Hick? Yes. But how did he know?| the m soans the XKoran, since you mention St. Jo, F'll put you wise to_somet . The _nldfi. west eircuit's worked dry. I had to borrow from tha constable to get out of Em- wa But Brian Boru Blaney, his feet set on Manhattan, was tortur: by no such doubts. He called a at the Grand Central station, after tucking his bagi xi H 0d, y? ‘heard. B 1 1T it i d. ' t T 1 i € a h h r h tsy $65. 1. ic hall “Wha b d ‘A 1 d alread: id ¢ 1% 1 4 ts. a d bbin ircly M ¥ ‘To 13% e h along?"* . I t, X York b th dai de Th angle figure Hick- man for McCosh’s f you' mood,’ a ty. lack bou nally from the R thust ) in his al cod McCosh. in_ the bu:k? coat check, say T 7 i the unknown. blngd the kn ts ‘Woodrow - effect In I calk h slam; o8 d) noce.' i ted hired ul?tlll mocosted him. l Boo: ande PSB and his Betsy safely inside, called command- ingly to the chauffeur: ‘*Beat it for the first shoe store on 5th avenue.” Betsy all but plunged herself head- long several times in passing win- dow displays of feminine attire, and as they whirled by the emporium of a famous milliner, she cried, with almost a sob in her voice: ‘Brian, gou've just got to stop here!” But er auburn-haired lord had his eyes met sternly to the fore. up before a plate-glass window with ninscuune footwear discreetly. dis- playe “Nope,” he announced to the smil- ing clerk, “I don’t want anything similar t6 what I got on. Gimme something llke Vince Astor kicks around in.” They sold him a pair with taper- ing toes flat soles and unostenta- tious eyelets. They cost him $18. “Score one” said Brian, makin mark on his cuff as he paid the bill. He wore the shees out of the shop. ‘“Now that I got rid o' those hick kicks, I guess we'll be safe to walk along Gth avenue, paying the taxes here and there.” 3 At the famous milliner's’ Be chose a hat with very little on fit, but that well disposed. The bill was $65. “Score two” announced Brian, mak- ing another mark on his cu ‘hat on earth are you doing, Sugar?” asked his wife. “Keepin' tab on New York. We've been here half an hour and she's got us 83 bucks already. They took a room at the St. Sidon Hotel, a fabulous pile overlooking Broadway's busiest corner. They drew “I'm tires y,” sal Betsy, throwing herself on a gilded chaise- ongue. “When I look at a dump like this,” remarked the Little Booster, “I feel like the King o’ Persia—afraid to sit own for fear some of the gold leaf 'll stick to my pants.” He walked over to the window and looked down on the restless human stream flow- Ing below. “I bet N' York's got more ticket speculators than San Bruno's got population. Look! there's a lame horse. has just sat down in front of milk wagon and tled up all the rapld transit from here to the Bronx. Careless Dol e After lunch Brian complained of his new shoes pinching, but he brave- ly kept his footing within their re- sisting soles and plunged still fur- ther into the gulf of conventionality by chlnfln to a suit of quiet gray and an inoffensive necktie. R “Going far?’ inquired Betsy sleep- i1y, from her_couch. “To 1! ‘Washington square,” h sald. ‘“I'm going t%vprsunt O’Malley’s letter to Dyckman Wynnkoop to see if he’'s chieese or human. What to come “No, you little old big foolish; I'm not being - introduced. going somewhere tonight- “Bet_your fairy goloshes we're goin’ somewhere. As soon as the ads begin to light up along the Great White Way suppose we're 08¢ dansong Fit for some |line o' minin’ stock fluft that was|restaurants.. Tonight's the big, wi evening!"” Brian fixed his hat at a dangerous in the midst of a dance which ended in an ardent embrace of his _girlish bride. “Don’t lét any bunco ‘while re in that " she cau- tioned. “Remember, you're & hick in t clty.’ 3 R t 6 o'clock he came whistling back, his face afire with enthusiasm. m?” asked Betsy, " with the fe, to be see you “Did you find who was waitin; an experien: 0oked up o X “Who' e Chickencoop? Nt , Dyckle lives in a boy's-size b:r:i wi te door, and & ence of th a knocker. When I Sol an to_discover N' York.” “What did you see? Woolwortk building, s and safled forth “Saw the i ! Jew cop arrestin’ a drunken Armenian, the Brooklyn bridge, a fight, a Wall street panic, the Pennsylvania station and Leon Errol tryi to light a cigar on a windy corner. 3 ‘Anything else?"” a hick. eyes. see, my at 14th street, and ucked intos &a subway just to get a taste of that cele- brated canned air. And what d' you think t thing? A’ ribe ®ot up and gave his seat to & Iad; was sitting comfortably on so: y's mother at the time, and Y wantéd to lead that hick aside and say, ‘Not done, old ‘chap—not in New York'; but I let him “go his suicidal way. - Walling- tord'll get him before morning.” They dined beneath golden cormnlces, beside roseate tapestries, eating from g:eclnu plate and draining goblets of illlant crystal. \ “Don't make any quick moves' “because Right befote my 25" my taxi Brian cautioned his wife, every time you do it starts a waiter [ th this way, and that costs you 36 extra.” The bill was $19. “Score three!" warbled Brian, keep- ing imaginary tab on his cuff. He led Betsy rather hastily toward the foyer. It was getting on toward 10 o'clock, and round the corner, glar- ing amid the infernal glories of jumping gigantic electric images, stood the Cabaret de I'Obsterre, home of jazz. * %k ¥ X OST of the tables were already taken when they entered. Young Mrs. Blaney was not too young to note the two .types of women—those who had ceme and those who had been brought—the former charac- terized by elaborate complexions in3 side Infantile hats; their lips were bold, their eyes were cold. The band uttered a musical compound of treacle and dynamite; a negro nobleman en- dowed with India-rubber joints rolled his eye# swimmingly and smote his palms together to an ecstatic “Buzz around—bugz around!” until a young mulatto woman, lithe as a spider monkey, threw herself at him in an acrobatic tamgo which included touching her wool to the carpet In miraculous backward loops. “Let's twirl!” came Brian's enthusi- astic volce in Betsy's ear, for the band had now struck up “We'll Row, Row, Row,” and many couples took the floor, every Jack to his Jill, every Bacchus to his Bacchante. By way of divertissement, a Princeton gladi- ator had arisen from a tableful of college boys and was inviting the head walter to put him out. “Let's & pleaded Betsy, seizing Brian's arm. “Stick around, kid” Brian urged. “We needn't be afraid of this dan- song stuff. All New York’s doin’ it. “T bet half the men here are trav- elng salesmen from Duluth. Don't be a hick!” This was Betsy's quell- ng word. “Speaking of hicks, husband, nudging he 's just come inY ho is he?" “The Rube I saw give his seat to a lady in the subway. He's hope- less!" For, even at the word, the newcomer—who wore buttoned tan shoes—was ordering a Manhattan Volstead hyphenated cocktail. “He must be the King of the Hickories,” murmured Brian, becom- ing more and more concerned. Ain't it pititul!” The object of Brian’s commiseration called to him the head walter, and, in the presence of the wholegroom, handed him a five-dollar ‘hen he lit a cigar, and Kept o) n. got_every one of O'Malley’s “How to Tell a Hick’ marks except he don't shave his neck. Probably he's waitin’ for the barber shop to open in the morning.” = 3 rather nice looking. ‘and wears a good suit of " whispered her sharply, “look said clothes. “Whiskers 3 soclety for the protection of him. I've a good mind to give that lone yokel a tip before he falls in the hands of —" Down the aisle came a florid, fa- millar face. The head waiter pulled out a chair next to the unproteted stray. And the person who occupied the seat, presenting a cordial palm to the helpless hick, was none other than G. Hunter McCosh, the super- annuated bunko man of the D. & R. G. McCosh's broad back was toward Brian, therefore he could not see his neighbors, although close enough to be easily overhe: rian quickly forgot the char of tango in the study of bunko as the elderly rascal lald his fat palm caressingly over the hand of the younger man, who was neat and rather small, with oyster-colored ey ind a sallow mus- tache, 8 “No, my boy: you can't afford to miss this,” began McCosh, in the tone of thick gravy. “Take an old man’'s ad- vice and——"The rest was lost in the musical racket. “If you can prove they're as good as—" the young man was heard to ! There ought to be a say. . “Opportunity knocks but once at the door ® * ® good as smelted gold * * ¢ g8 proved by our specimens’ these scraps in McCosh's soothing one. “If we could onl: talk more quietly—' “It i{s_ kinda noisy here,” McCosh admitted. “Supposing you and me 0 over to Gothamia grifl ® * ¢ the etails of this splendid proposition.” “Come on!" breathed Brian in Betsy's ear. “Where?" “To the Gothamla grill!” It was easy to see why the more or less skillful Mr. McCosh had chosen the Gothamia grill. A luncheon room in one of the largest hotels, it opens, flower-like; at the hour of noon, and dozes again at sunset, when the in- terest is diverted to the Fragonard y find a place to dining room upstairs or the Bohemian music in the basement. During the evening hours the Gothamia grill assumes the elderly quiet of a Union League Club; ut under shaded lights men and women talk mysteri- ously at secluded tables, “A gunm delight!” Brian. “If I stabbed a man here and dragged him 0 the elevator, how would the newspapers ever catch me? exclaimed * * * Waiter!" blue Alsatian moun- ea; approached glibly, and took order. t his * % k% TTHE walter retreated, 'and the door ‘was darkened by the shadow of a porpous person leading a slender youth of hesitating mien. “Pretty wark!”" murmured Brian. They sat at a table far out of ear- shot, but well within view. The hyp- notist was evidently imbuing his sub- ject with enthusiasm, confidence, honest conviction, for the fat hands of Mr. McCosh were working busily In cf more complicated than any Futurist's dream. And the dupe look- ed up with the expression of a tired child who hears a new fairy story and loves to belleve it true. “0 Brian. “He wants to bite so bad, he" helping put the bait on the hook.” The two figures at the distant table leaned back. Something was settled. The elder man brought forth a packet of papers folded lengthwise. “McCosh was right,” said_Brian. “You can thake the man from Kenkuk do stunts in N' York he’s never dl;‘ehgm! of in his home town.” aud, what a sucker! sniffed he's - sellin’ o —and Rube’s pullin’ his check-bpok!” Sure enough, the lamb was already ’'s fountain-pen. reaching 'There wus & moment of intense soribbling, during which McCosh bit = b cigar and forgot to light ft. i & pink leaf m cheok- book fluttered his palm, and he handled it like a rare orchid. An instant later Mr. Was seen to rise rather feverishly, button_ his over the new-made tend a loving hand to his victim, and stride forth into Brian Jumj from his chalr. “You're not going to—" % As a 1 “You bet I am! stranger in town, I ain't a-goin’ to sit hére snd f: mel” maid the Little ster. “I don't know what part of the woolly west you.come from, but i fmet him. ex- | H you'll take back less wool than you brought with you.” “Meaning?” ~ inquired the youth, adjusting his eyeglasses. ‘Do you know who that bunk is YOt e “That ‘Dunk,’ as you roughly term him,” sald the young man in a mod- ulated baritone, “is Mr. Hotchkiss, well known 1In the Goodfellow ‘His rame was McCosh when I Now, listen to mother. There ain't any time to feed the chickens. I'm telling you. You've Just fallen for a man who's a profes- sional walnut-pusher, a dot-and-carry card-holder, a life member of the Gold Brick Layers Union—in plain Californian, a bunko man, Because Yyou left your brains the other side of the Ohio river I'll wise you. You've been bilked, trimmed i ut he came to New York with highest references.” “Splash! I've a good mind to touch you for a thousand myself. How much was In that check you 3 signed > orty-five hundred and fifty.” et your bank the first thing in the morning and stop it.” ‘Lord!” groaned the callow one. on the Night and Day Bank!" elephone—hot foot, kid!" The sedate grill-room was en- livened by the sight of a red-headed enthusiast dragging a daszled youth across two chairs toward the tele- phone booth. A few minutes later Betsy, to her relief, beheld her hus- band returning calmly with the new- found hick. “Now, Marcus,” Brian was saying, “we've got to kite it over to the Night and Day and {dentify vou. Friend wife and I'll tag along to see that the rest of your wad don't juntp out of the window."” h The hick had a2 taxi—waiting by the hour apparently—outside. A8 they bumped over New York's as- phalt, which, like her sky line, is pic- turesque but uneven, Betsy tried to Sdotha "the stranger With esmpon- places. “Doesn’t it seem grand in New York after the country?’ she asked. “It does,” said the hick forlornly. When he emerged from the sleep- less portals of the Night and Day there were tears in his pale orbs, suggestive of sea food. “They fixed it—but it hurts me to think I've been betrayed by a friend,” he sobbed. o “That's what they all say.” chirped Brian brightly. “Now, Mrs. Bride and T'll escort you past the bogies to your Lotel.” The young inan gave a number to the chauffeur. * * ¥ % “NOW. look you, sén,” Brian went on, for he must have his lec- ture. He put his hand patronizingly %ow on the hick's knee. “I just got to hand it out. Take it or leave it When in Rome you gotta do as the Romeos do. Don't talk to large men With fancy vests. Maybe you'll thank me for this when you get back to the home town.” “It's not my fault. It's the way the old man raised m the callow one moaned. “Never letting me go into busine like other fellows.” “Say!” Bri had an inspiration. “If you ever want a wise guy to take you around N' York, ring me up. I'm at the St. Sidon. Stick around, kid, and I'll show you all the new stuff.” “Thanks, awfully,"” sald the hick. The taxi stopped before a brick house with a white door. “You've pulled me out of an aw- ful hole, old m: he continued, as he stepped out. d like to see more of you. Here's my card.” The hick’s face stared into the tax{ door, pale and anxious. Brian, as he accepted the card, felt a thrill of remorse. Perhaps, he had been a bit rough In his language to this outsider, who, after all, would learn his New York in time. Under the flickering corner light Brian held the card, spelling each letter carefully. Then he put it in his pocket. Al- ready the hick was disappearing up the front steps. “Say!” said Brian, calling after him, and again looking at the name on the card, got a letter of introduction to yo A%d. as the hick returned, the Little Booster brought forth O'Mal- ley's envelope addressed to Mr. Dyckman Wynkoop, 13% Washington are. s«y; thought I might as well hand it to you now, seein’ I'm around your way."” ¥: (Copyright, 1921.) That Game of Foot Ball By Ring W. Lardner. O the editor: Well friends here| Mmindne it is the middle of the football geason and maybe your favorite ‘team looks like it will win the championship, and I don’t want to be no kill joy but I ean’t resist from telling you what a treat you missed this fall namely I was going to write up some of the big games down east but at the last minute the boss sald no. He didn't state no reasons but I wouldn't be surprised if I knew what they was and I guess he is right for once. I don't know nothing about the game but that don't seem to stop @ few of the other boys that is writeing it up and I doubt if my mgr. took that part of it into considera- tions but I guess he felt like my write ups would be kind of =silly and I se unlest 1t's the boys that wrote the offical communiques dureing the war. Dureing my ‘turn of service as a foot ball expert they was numerous occasions when different head coaches spent the sabbath writeing a letter to my sporting editor asking him to give me the air as a special favor to them. And they was also 2 occa- sions when coaches wrote to him and said that my write up of their game the day before was the best foot ball report they had ever read and lest my readers should think I am brag- ging I will hasten to exclaim that in each of these 2 cases the teams who these gents coached had win a close game and my articles was noth- ing but hymns of praise for how well the teams was coached. * k kX O NE of a foot ball reporter's little chores is generally to look up both coaches after the game and see might get smart and introduce a|what they have got to say for them- spirit of levity into my write ups which would be out of keeping with a game which is almost sacred you might eay and the coaches and aluminum’_ of all the different col- leges woulc be off of me for life. Then in the 2d. place maybe he asked the different newspapers if they wanted the stuff and they all said no. If that is the case it may of had womething to do with his decision as he is funny that way. Well anyway I ain't going to write up no football games but wile we are on the subject I would like to say a few wds: in regards to this great autumn complaint and firstly I beg to assure my readers that when in- formed that my services es football “THE TRAINER WORKED ON ME FOR A HOUR.™ reporter was neither required or desired I managed to not break down in public because I onoe had that job for several seasons and I wouldn't number it amongst the melons of Journalism. * * ¥ ¥ \ROM the middle of Sept. till xmas & football reporter can't go in his office without they’s a bunch of letters from students or old grads or the coaches themselfs and the letters ®| always starts out by caliing you some name and then the writer goes on to say why don't you give more Space to the old Yellow and Pink.- All we ask 19 a square deal, but we ain't getting it. “ By a square deal they ‘mean 8 columns about the old Yellow and Pink and nothing about nobody else and the 8 columns has got to be 8 columns of glory hallelujah. = Maybe it's necessary to mentlon that the Yellow and Pink was beat 98 to 0 last Saturday by ;.h: ola Mauve, but you are supposed to ex- e o Guartorbaci:, was the ow qI , ‘was Ry with a hangnall, but the old Yellow would of rallied and tied the score in the ¢th. period only just as they was etting started, Jesse James, the head rlnmu-n. called an offside and the 5 yd. penalty took the heart out of our boys. Coach Dinglebury says the pmng:y ‘was a outrage as none of his men was ever offside in their life. o had learned them different. ‘Well friends when a man is a foot- ball reporter he gets acquainted with the different coaches and arst. coaches and they's & few of them that is as ® a8 you want to meet & o of the asst. co best friends is asst. s coache: e d if any of the l::t“:-nod 1b read- lAnnt this 1 t them to under- stand that they are not the pnes I am talking mean about. It's ones that. ain't this article that refer to when I say thst they's class of people that compares w! head coaches when it comes to fair no | fur: ith self. The coach of the winning team pretty near ki you but you don't no sooner than lay eyes on the other guy when you realize for the first time that the result of the game was your fault. I won't repeat none of the alibis that these birds have thought up as you would think I was copying out of Joe Miller's joke book but instead of that I will tell you about the time-I got the surprise of my young life and that was up to Ann Arbor, Mich. Cornell and Michi- gan had just had a alleged contest and the score was something like 35 to 10 in favor of Cornell. So after- wards I went in the Michigan dress- ing rm. to see Mr. Yost and there he was says “Well what about +Well"” he says, “ lucky to score.” The tfainer worked on me for & hr. 1 don’t know how they are running it out west now days but here in the east the coaches has a meeting in the oft season and pieks out the officials for their next season's es and here is another place where fair play and sport for sports sake comes leap- emileing from ear to ear and I 17" T guess we was lng to the surface like a ton of lead. 1 don’t need to go into no detafls but it would be kind of fun to see the same system tried out in big league base ball, namely let the managers pick out their own umplires. As sodn a8 a ball club lost a game why the manager would say, “He can't never umpire no more games for me" an when 8§ games was lost the manager woyld be out of umpires and con- !‘ll‘.ll would half to pass conscrip- lon. 2 And it would also be fun if the foot ball coaches was allowed to tell the newspapers who they could send to report their games. A lot of the boys that i{s now writeing up the mes would have their Saturdays 'ree for golf. RING W. LARDNER. Great Neck, Nov. b. Graphite Paint. TBB growing exclusion of lead from paint on the ground of its poisonous character has led to the introduction of graphite as a substi- tute, ‘pl.rtleuu:lv in the place of red lead in the painting of irom. Mixed with linseed oil, graphite protects the iron well against rust and is much cheaper than red lead. many uses have been found for graphite, which not many years ago was employed ahnost exclusively for the manufac- ture of lead pencils, that large quan- tities are now made with nace, the nat mineral not being the demand. the electric ts of to supply 4 [tire crop for 3 | c Capital Sidelights BY WILL P. KENNEDY. Here's a man who finds it cheaper to travel than to live at home,—Rep- resentative Ackerman of Plainfield, N. J., who happens to be first man on the House roll call. He 18 the most traveled man in Congress, but that isn’t because he has found it cheaper to travel, for he is very wealthy and doesn’t have to economize. He spent the summer in Europe, and says that while traveling around there he actually saved enough from his nor- mal llving expenses to amortize the first cost of getting transportation across the ocean. For a raflroad ticket from Bologn« to Berlin, a distance of 342 miles, where the fare before the war was $12.50 to $15, he paid $3. A elceping car stateroom now costs less than 86 cents. In Vienna a first-cl at vern alone for a seat in_the Mertopolitar Opera House, New York. He has the checks showing that an afternoo: tea for two in a first class hotel 1 Vienna cost less than 20 cents anc a course dinner for three cost abou! 90 cents. Representative Ackerman broug! back to this country some of the fir-: tokens issued by the Chamber of Commerce of France in retiring th war-time paper currency. He has giv en some of these to his close frien- as pocket pfeces. As a member of th: foreign affairs committee he was ablc to give Chairman Fordney of the w and means committee first-hand formation regarding the startling preciation of enemy currency. If brought back a 10,000 kronen note ¢ Austria-Hungary, which was w more than $2,000 in gold befor war. He puraSmscd it for less than ‘When he reached France on his » home he could not get any of financial institutions to buy it at price. He says It is now w« about $3. * ok k% Representative Samuel E. W of Massachusetts, who is cl 3 the House interstate and for merce committee, in charge Was a Conspicuous Prize Winner at the Flower Shows. road legislation, finds surcease from his onerous duties in Congress in growing flowers, For many yvears he was & conspicuous prize winner at the flower shows in Worcester, Mass. During the war when there was an appeal to the people to save on coal consumption he shut up his green- houses. He has another hobby—hos- ital work. He is chairman of the oard in his home district, and has given considerable personal attention to the plans for hospitals for the world war heroes. * % % & Charles Evans Hughes, Secretary of State, who will be an outstanding figure in the international conference for limitation of armament, is used to overcoming obstacl. not only be- cause he had to work hard to make his own way in life. but because for many years his one recreation was mountain climbing. Some sixteen to twenty years ago he was wont to g0 to Europe every summer and go strolling in the Alps. Then when his law practice tied him down he used to go into Maine and tramp the woods and scale the mountains When he was elected Governor of New York fifteen vears ago it put stop to his recreation. but he had lis family in® the Adirondacks for couple of summers, und occasionally he would go out with his son anc some of his college chums and scal the mountains. rted to play golf in 1899, but er been ablc to ive it enough could get to be i He tries to play three times a weck now at the Chevy Chase Club. He goes out at & am., =0 as to get to his office in the State De artment by 10—usually he gets thero before 9 o'clock. He plays golf most often with Secretary Wallace of the Department of Agriculture. Searetary Hughes plans to walk about three miles every day, whether he plays golf or not. He gencrally walks to and from his office. For more than twenty years he has bhecn taking setting-up exercises and it all that time has never missed a day. except when he was traveling in « Pullman_car. Bince March 4 he has been away from his desk only two days—Labor when he accompanied th: % William and Mary Col- * % Ok ¥ Discretion was the better part of valor for Representative Thomas 1. Blanton of Texas the other day wher he made an exchange of the “short and ugly word” with Representativ. William J. Burke of Pennsylvanii Representative Burke has a wide rej utation as a “strong man,” and credited with “200 ring battles in h: home state.” ay and President lege. * ¥ ¥ ¥ C. W. Holman, secretary of the Na- tional Milk Producers’ Association. . Barret, president of tional Farmers' Union, hud break- fast together recently in Washington They both ordered cantaloupes and the waiter brought each a small ha of a melon. Now Mr. Barrett raisc - cantaloupes as a side line. After he had finished eating his half he picked up the menu and found they were “I wish 1 could gell my en- cents each,” he re- marked with a sigh. - Canopied Fields. TRAVELLERS in the Connecticut valley may sometimes see many Fores dovel wikth white cheesc-! cloth supported, at a height of ninc feet from thé ground, on a frame- work of posts and wire. Under thesc wvast tents Sumatra tobacco is grown ‘Experiments conducted by the De- partment of: Agriculture led to the use of this system of protecting thr tobacco plants, and the results have been found - excellent. The light. randy eoll along the Connecticut river is well suited for the growth of Su- matra tobacco. The United States government fur- nishes the seed and supervises Lhc cultivation, preparation and sale of the product, the farmers paying the cost and receiving the profit. That the great cloth canopies can with- stand storms Was proved last year when a hallstorm caused much da 80 cents. Jury. shades is sev- eral hundred dollars an acre. 3