Bemidji Daily Pioneer Newspaper, December 17, 1909, Page 15

e Family Secrets. A father complains that his little six-year-old girl is too talkative. He says: The worst of it is when we have visitors she is continually mak- ing mistakes of the worst sort, mis- takes that tend to rattle the dry bones of the family skeleton in the cup- board. Recently she allowed her tongue to run away with her, as usual, the result of which was that she very much embarrassed both her father and mother, although the guests seem- ed delighted. I had a very serious talk with her and impressed upon her, or tried to, that she must not tell any family secret. The next time we had com- pany she was permitted to come to the table only by promising that she wouldn’t utter a word. 8She behaved beautifully and bad nothing to say until the dessert was gbout to be taken away. Then her Uips began to quiver, and finally she burst into tears. “Why, what's the matter, darling?’ her mother asked. “I—I want some more ice cream, if that isn’t a family secret,” she wailed between sobs.—London -Telegraph. An Unexpected Burns Lecture. John Augustus O'Shea used to be in considerable request as a lecturer on bis military experiences. Once, af Dumfries, he came upon the platform wearing in his buttonhole a daisy, which he quietly removed and held up. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “I hold in my hand a ‘wee modest flower’ I plucked this evening from the grave of Robert Burns.” The au- dience was interested and became if thralted as the lecturer went on tco speak of the national poet. Then, suddenly recollecting that Burns had nothing to do with his subject, he stopped abruptly. “And now,” said Mr. O’Shea, “I will proceed to relate my experiences in the war.” But by this time he had thoroughly engaged the sympathies of his listen ers, who would not hear of another subject. “Never min’ the war, sir,” they vociferated; “gie wus Robbie Burns!” And he did. This extempore oration afterward became one of the most popular of Mr. O'Shea’s lectures ~—London Chronicle, Lord Penzance’s Acquaintance. When the late Lord Penzance was plain Mr. Wilde, he once took an early morning stroll round Covent Garden market. There he entered into conver sation with an old man of genial aspect who had just made a purchase of a geranium. Mr. Wilde soon found that the stranger was an enthusiastic amateur gardener, and the pair had an interesting chat on horticultural topics as they walked toward Oxford street Suddenly the fare in a passing hansom eab signaled to the driver to pull up and within the vehicle Wilde saw his friend, Sergeant Ballantine. Bidding the old man adieu, Wilde entered the cab. In surprised accents Ballantine ex- claimed, “How on earth did you come to know that man?” “Picked him up just now in Covent Garden market,” said his companion. “Well, Wilde,” the sergeant remark- ed, “your new acquaintance is Cal craft, the hangman!”—London Acade my. Annoying the Passengers. “There used to be in one of the southern states,” said a military man, “a railroad that was notorious for its slowness. This line was so slow that the people took to lampooning it in the press. Thus one Memorial day a planter wrote to the Rapier, the lead- ing paper of his distriet: “The Editor of the Rapier: “Dear Sir—Is there no way to put a stop to begging along the line of the rail- r0ad? For instance. vesterday an aged veteran with a wooden leg kept pace with the afternoon express all the way from Paint Rock to Nola Chucky and annoyed the passengers exceedingly, going from one open window to another with his im- portunate solicitations. “VOX POPULL" —Washington Star. Half of the Pleasure. The youngest girl of a Baltimore family was recently much distressed at dessert to discover that there was ice cream for dinner. “Oh, papa,” exclaimed the young- ster reproachfully, “why didpn’t they tell me this morning that we were go- ing to have ice cream?" “What difference would that have made?" “Lots!™ sighed the child. “I could have expeected it all day.”—Lippincott's Magazine. Wanted a Pusher. “What did the new neighbors come to borrow now?” “They wanted the lawn mower.” “Is that all?” . “That was all they spoke about, but 1 think from the way they stood | around they would like to have bor rowed my husband to run it”—Nash- wille American. | Apothecary’s Weight, “I'm sure,” whispered the gossip, “that Mr. Pillsbury, the druggist, takes a dram occasionally.” “Yes,” replied the bright girl, “I be- lieve he has no scruples in that direc- rection.”—Philadelphia Press. A Keen Business Man. Noah landed on Ararat, “Fine.,” he cried—*"a mountain and €2ashore resort in one!” Herewith he started to build a sum mer hotel.—New York Sun. Far Fields Are Greener. A boy always brags of what he will do when he's a man. And when he becomes a man he al ways boasts of what he did when he was & boy.—Pick-Me-Up. — They’re All Like This. A young and pretty schoolteacher once asked her class for an original definition of the word “wife.” “A wife is a rib,” said one little girl. “Wives are guiding stars,” said an- other. “A comforter,” said a third. “An inspiration,” said a fourth. Altogether the definitions were rath- er prosy and commonplace, but finally a child of eleven, smiling archly, said: “A wife is a person for a man to find fault with when things go wrong.” “Good!” cried the pretty teacher, laughing. “Good! That is the best definition of all, the best, the truest!” But that afternoon on the way home from schooi the little girl whose defi- nition had so pleased tripped demurely np to the teacher and said: “Are you going to marry that tall, handsome young man I see you with nearly every night?” “Yes,” said the teacher. “Well, then, if my definition of a wife was true’— “Ah, but, dear, with us nothing will ever go wrong. He says so himself.” The Horse’s Power of Smell. The horse will leave musty hay un- touched in his bin, however hungry. He will not drink of water objection- able to his questioning sniff or from a bucket which some odor makes offen- sive, however thirsty. His intelligent nostril will widen, quiver and query over the daintiest bit offered by the fairest of hands, with coaxings that would make a mortal shut his eyes and swallow a nauseous mouthful at a gulp. A mare Is never satisled by either sight or whinny that her colt is really her own until she has a certain nasal certificate to the fact. A blind horse, now living, will not allow the approach of any stranger without showing signs of anger not safely to be disregarded. The distinction is evi- dently made by his sense of smell and at a considerable distance. Blind horses, as a rule, will gallop wildly about a pasture without striking the surrounding fence. The sense of smell informs them of its proximity.—Horse and Stable. Decsivers. There is an old fellow who lives tn a “dry” New England town who has a very poor opinion of New York, to which metropolis he recently made a visit. It may be remarked in passing that the old gentleman is one of the pillars of the church in his native vil- lage. Upon his return home he sat for some time upon a sugar barrel at the grocery and then suddenly burst out: “Them fellers down to New York Is as bad as thieves! Cheat your eye- teeth out ’fore you know it!” “Gosh, Hiram! You don’t mean to say you got bunkoed at your age?”’ the storekeeper demanded, dropping the nail tongs. “Yes, I did, too!” was the angry re- ply. “I went to a sody water fountain an’ asked the feller for his best sar- syprilla, an’ I give him the re‘g'ulflr wink.” “Well?" the storekeeper demanded. “Well, by heck, I got it!” was the disgusted reply. Sharks and Divers. Contrary to what i generally sup- posed, the fully equipped modern diver does not dread sharks in the depths, though there are cases on record where these monsters have bitten sav- | agely at the air pipe, causing a serious leak and almost drowning the man be- fore he could be hauled up. Sharks are, however, notoriously timid, and all the experienced diver has to do to frighten them away is to open one of the air valves in his dress and cause a stream of bubbles to rise up all around him, whereupon the “tiger of the deep” will make off in abject terror. A far more real danger is getting entangled. —St. Nicholas. A Mixup. The householder smothered his wrath and descended to the basement. “Are you the plumber?” he asked of the grimy looking individual who was tinkering with the pipes in the cellar. “Yes, guv'nor,” answered the man. “Been long in the trade?” “'Bout a year, guv'nor.” “Ever make mistakes?” “Bless yer, no, guv'nor!” “Oh, then, I suppose it’s all right! I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing room is spraying like a foun- tain, and the bathroom tap’s on fire!”— London Answers. The Wrong Girl. After a whole year of married bliss a young man named Hahn, living at Volosca, Dalmatia, discovered that he had not married the girl he intended. When he proposed to her he mistook her for her twin sister, who so re- sembles her that they can scarcely be distinguished, and he did not realize his error until he began calling her by her Christian name instead of by the terms of endearment he had hitherto used. Overiooked. “I always distrust your judgment for zome reason or other, John.” “Yes, and you have reason to. It gerves me right” “Why, 1 cannot remember you ever having done anything to justify such a distrust.” “Have you forgotten that I married you?”"—Houston Post. Explosive. An ambitious young writer having asked, “What magazine will give me the highest position quickest?” was told, “A powder magazine, if you con- tribute a fiery article.” There {8 no frigate llke a book % take us leagues away.—Dickinsom. Examining wdding Gifts. “Women viewing another woman’s |- wedding presents say things which are likely to be misinterpreted,” said the bachelor who declares he hates weddings, but always goes when in- vited, according to the Washington Post, “and other things which no fa- vorable interpretation would make complimentary to the bride or to the givers. It's the way of the sex, I sup- pose. Now, why is it that the most common remark of the women who are Inspecting the layout of silver and cut glass and other gifts more or less useful is, ‘What a lot of presents she got? They don’t mean anything un- kind, but the inference an uninitiated eavesdropper would draw is that they wonder why she got so many, as if by rights she shouldn’t have had half so many. Of course they vary the re- mark, “What a lucky girl” says one, as if she would like to add, ‘Some per- sons have too much luck.” . And an- other says, ‘I wonder where they- all came from,’ implying almost as if the bride couldn’t have enough friends to “make so many gifts and-must have sent some of them to herself just to making a showing.” World’s Cleanest Soldiers. The Japanese soldier considers it a disgrace to be dirty. Soldiers of other nationalities are not always overpar- tcular, but, as Mr. Kipling has sung: Oh, east is east, and west Is west, and never the twain shall meet. However, the Japanese military man 18 not provided by a grateful ‘and be- neficent government with a portable bath, so when on active service he has to set his wits to work in order to ob tain the necessary adjuncts to his ab- lutions. N The Chinese, for reasons of their own, manufacture long and large jars, whose diameter is that of a western main drain. It occurred to a bright Japanese that one might just as well have a bath standing up as lying down. Accordingly he and his comrades in- terred a jar, built a furnace beneath it and filled it with water. Soon a boiling hot bath bubbled before them. Imitators sprang into being and sub- sequently into similar baths.—Bystand- er. Had Been Anticipated. A London composer was one summer engaged on the score of an opera, and as the weather was very hot he worked with the windows of his study open. This fact was taken advantage of by his neighbor, a lady, an accom- plished musician, with a very quick and retentive ear, to play upon him s harmless practical joke. One morning he completed and tried over a new march, and the lady on the same afternoon seated herself at her grand piano, opened her windows and rolled forth the air fortissimo. The composer rushed distractedly into his garden to his wife and, tearing his hair in anguish, cried out: “My dear, I give it up! I thought I had composed an original tune, but it must be a delusion, for my grand | march—my chef d'oeuvre, as I thought it—is only a reminiscence and is al- ready the property of some music pub- lisher!” They Sat Down. One night at a theater some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent when an actor appeared on the stage. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “compose yourselves. There is no danger.” The audience did not seem reas- sured. “Ladies and gentlemen,” continued the comedian, rising to the necessity of the occasion—*confound it all—do you think if there was any danger P'd be here?” The panic collapsed. England’s Mother Church. The oldest frequented church in England is probably St. Martin’s, at Canterbury. and you may call it the mother chvrch of England. Walk up from the outskirts of the city and you will pass the font which gave baptism to King Ethelbert 1,300 years ago. The font still stands, the worshipers stiil mount the slope, and one considers whether it was Augustine or Bertha who dragged the king and husband to that font—London Chronicle. A Gallant Clergyman. It i1s said that the Rev. Sydney Smith could be gallant as well as witty on occasion. “Oh, Mr. Smith, I cannot bring this flower to perfection,” said a young lady to hir: once as she showed him about her conservatory. ‘Whereupon he took her by the hand and said, “Then let me bring perfec- ton to the flower.” A “Place of Learning” Sydney Smith, once asked why a cer- tain college was called a place of learn- Ing, replied that, although a great many had been there to get learning, no one had ever taken learning away; hence it was appropriately named. Officeholders. “Well, there’s one thing to be saild | for public servants.” “What'’s that?” “When you hire one you never have any trouble keeping him.”—Cleveland Leader. Out of Mind. | Fenton—At first he was simply crazy | about her, but now he neglects her shamefully. Sloanes—I see. At first he went out of his mind, and then she went out of his mind.” No man can be wise oa an empty stomach.—George Kliet Educated. Mrs. 8. was in a Richmond hospital, and she was lonely, so welcomed the advent of a very black and very lan- guid maid who came in one morning to wipe up the floor. Some one new to talk to, so no time was lost. “I have not seen you working around here before. Aren’t you & new' girl?” Edmonia willingly let the cloth slip back into the bucket and sat flat upon the floor before answering. “Yas'm, I's new. I’s jest washin’ up de floor. But 1 don’t work. I's edji- kated.” “And where were you educated?” was the next question. “In a seminary.” Then, with a burst of confidence: “There was me an’ an. other girl workin’ in a house. She was cook, an’ I was chambermaid, an’ we had great times about who would git de prize, but I beat.” Then, after a pause, “She was easy to beat, 'cause she got smothered to death with gas de night before de ’zaminations come off.”—Cleveland Leader. N A Pair of Poets, Hearing a noise in the street before his house one morning, Robert Brown- ing, the poet, went to his window and saw a great crowd gazing at some Chinamen in gorgeous costumes who were just leaving their carriages to mount his steps. Presently they were announced as the Chinese minister at the court of St. James and his suit. A solemn. presentation having taken place, Browning said to the interpreter, “May I ask to what I am indebted for the honor of his excellency’s visit?' The interpreter replied, “His excellen- ¢y 18 a poet in his own country.” Thereupon the two poets shook hands heartily. Browning then said, “May 1 ask to what branch of poetry his ex- cellency devotes himself?" To which the interpreter answered, “His excel. lency devotes himself to poetical enig- mas.” At this Browning, recognizing fully the comic element in the sitna- tlon, extended his hand most cordially, saying: “His excellency is thrice wel- come. He is a brother indeed!” A Plot That Failed. A story of a plot to kidnap Queen Victorla and turn England into a re- public is"told in Peter Latouche’s book, “Anarchy; Its Methods and Expo- nents.” This coup d’etat was planned to take place in 1888, the year of the great dock strike in London, but was frustrated by the success of the strik- ers and the unexpected sympathy and help shown them “by the moneyed classes. ' This did much-to cornciliate the masses, on whose help thé revo- lutionists relied. A Famous Architect's Trick. When Sir Christopher Wren was buflding the town hall of Windsor, & fidgety member of the corporation, so the story goes, insisted that the roof _required further support and desired the architect to add more plliars. Im vain did Sir Christopher assure him that the danger was imaginary. He knew better. The alarm spread, and the great architect was worrled into adding the desired columns. Years passed, and in later times, when architect and patrons were dead, cleaning operations in e roof ree vealed the fact that the supposed addi- tional supports did not touch the roof by two inches, though this was not per- ceptible to the gazers below. By this ingenious expedient did Wren pacify his critics, while vindicating his own architectural skill to future genes- ations. Canada’s Inland Sea. People at home who have only seen Hudson bay on the map have mainly regarded it as a patch of polar desola- tion, forbidding and unexplored. In reality it is nothing of the kind. It ts & huge inland sea as large as the Med- iterranean reaching down into the center of the Canadlan continent.— Now is the Time to Buy Your Christmas Presents Fine Art Leather Novelties such as Pillow Corvers, Wall Banners, Table Mats and Doilies, Moito Banners and Leather Pipe Racks in Hand Painted, Burnt and Air Brush work, All sizes, prices from 35¢. to $12.00 Moccasins In all sizes and styles for Infants as well as grown pecple. Made up of Fine Velvet Tan Horse Hide and Calf Skin, Besutifully Bead- ed and very appropriate for Holiday Gifts. Baskets Indian Hand woven, Birch vood Baskets, trimmed with sweet grass in'all colors and designs. Ladies’ Hand Bags In all the new and fashicnable styles in Genuine Seal, Walrus and Alliga- tor Leathers, Prices from $1.00 fo $15.00 Genuine Navajo In- dian Rugs Beautiful Assortment from $6.00 o $30.00 Smokers’ Articles Cigar and ash trays in hand embossed copper. Cigar Humidors made of oak in mission finish, zine lined with inside moisteners. These are alwaysacceptable Chrisnmas Gifts. Meerschaum and Briar Pipes in all the new classy shapes, prices from $5.00 to $15.00 Fine Chocolates and Bon Bons put up in fancy Chiistmas boxesin 5, 8, 2, 1 and } pound packages Christmas Cards Booklets, Tags and Stickers, Empty Holly Boxes All Christmas Packages Wrapped for Shipment Free of Charge Arthur N. Gould Successor to Crane & Could New Location Miles Block 301 Beigrami Avenue