The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, April 5, 1903, Page 6

T HE fUNDAY CALL upwig (he rid rapidly of the fads that W in many and fancles regulate the code, divorce 1s social but uliarly an Ameri- ftution that nism in all that must gov- interested, par- To the man, it often but the transfer few parcels from o woman aftermath of soclal recogni- with Americ tions ife of tho: woman ing its whose business standing Is good club affiliations ite pathos in orce itself ics where the common the children dear to eals lenie: the mat- ring st ghould red by his the sins world may woman now seems smiie pityingly and 1 it would appear ) a leve f eq woman's peccadillues formerly mon- ; vet there are many, still retain sacredness of whe i timatin, 3 eren which orce suit she may knowingly when James or John ow.,” whom any oved and been proud that the the most They are often verybody else at the then, too, they are FTIQUETTE? DIVORCE bubity oo wuch in love wih _aem- selves to entertain much love on the side for 2 wife, and when later she is made desperate by the charms so lavishly on exhibition everywhere save in the home people tacitly condemn her because he was such a “devilish nice fellow.” A good, solid business proposition in the n line will siand the wear and tear of strenuous matrimony more saiisfactorily than the spoiled bargain counter pro- du whose sum total is an assortment of unctuous smiles i cordial hand- shakes. A woman who procures a divorce is in a very different position from one whose husband divorces her. I do not indo the magnanimit fa man who thinks that a woman should be shielded even in her dishonor by fur- nishing her the evidence against himself owing her to obtain the divorce, although it is common among men to protect the woman, especially in New York City, where a n who will not agree to such p compromise is liable to be subject to very harsh criticism. They fail to reec e the injustice done there- by od woman forced into the e mulation of Wrong: he code of ethics governing a wom and conduct after securing a decree 1d be rigidly adhered to if she would cape gossip. It is a difficult matter to quiet criticism or to live down adverse commentaries, but in time, despite the cruelties of calumny. a woman can do so, ded her life be wortby it will prove itself in a wordless but all poten- tial vindication. To marry again before t th is dry js self. most Jaw.aging testimony an. It is very true t wful hurry through her fear of los- the other fellow, but worldly wise look ask the woman too manifestly eager to be “off with the old love and on with the new.” A woman in such cases, > has been the suit, should under the one to signify a ¢ Te to re. to every irts by an sh an ink signing idently the gainst a wom- she may be in an or the woman fendant in a div reumstances sire to continue ved by former t is much good old-fash- respect for morality still existent old world of ours that ent even a bow woman against nder has raised its hydra head, though granting that they may have cherished a friendship for ¥ Such a woman should wait until advances are be ioned in this le would 1 of rec whom s made by her friends of cther days, ana by so doing she may save herself the hu- miliation of a cut direct. Where the woman has applied .or and obtained the decree she should have some short notice to that effect inserted in the local papers by her lawyers that the decree has been granted her, provided, of course, the case has not been violently agitated, In which event etiquette de- mands that cards or a note of congratu- lation be sent her by such friends as may TO HER DAUGHTER child: letter not a Of course, are Y dear Your last r®=me little you m « Tha is the f thing every man will tefl you. But your college edu- cation k been wlmost en at all uting c man, but the who win a it woman inteliect secretiy o play who ains her con- a It is true most men prefer the character qf o woman depict- ed in the modern colonfal novel, ou from clever woman ftion to suit the man you have taken a ¢ uld not prevent you role? A om YOUNG MAN 0 question of importarce ngs, and they turn from thoughts of life of the bhern sk for cong ciai companions and institu members of society they are constantly influencin and being influenced. great question is, what influences shail r0ld and control the life of our younz men, and what shall they contfibute to sceiety in return? By “society” we do mot have in mind its narrow conception as held by the so- clety leaden the superficial formalitic ccremonies—the hard and fast lines al clique or club, the 400 or any ndred. But we take the term in der bearings as including the social of men in all thelr varlous . The life of a hermit is un- natural and a fallure, but it is not so great a failure as a life spent In slavery to the little formalities and ceremonies, the hard and fast lines of social eti- quette. I say this, knowing at the same time there is a large class of young men whose greatest ambition is to be “gen- tecl,” to do the “genteel” thing, even at the cost of integrity. The gentility they kave in mind is not what we mean when we speak of “good breeding” or ‘“‘polite- but as one defines it, as a “diabol- invention which kills natural kind- and honest friendship.” It is a gen- ical nes tility which turns from its true friepds to follow after those of a higher degree and which is ashamed of honest poverty end blushes for an honorable calling. It is a gentility which is measured by the tallor's yardstick and the little formali- ties of 2 Ward McAllister or a refined, fostidious Beau Brummel. The social dandy or fop is said to be the most use- less of all human animals, and I believe it. He is said to be a creation of the taflor and you are puzzled to know “whether he is a female gentleman or a male lady.” *“He does nothing for him- elf or anybody else; his occupation is to dress and perfume himeelf and carry a nty little cane, doing himself up as .f were a shirt. ‘What an anomalous becoming helpless. when ssary. To put on an opera-cloak does not require as much muscular development as play- ing basket-ball, but you should make it ear Not that a man prefers a woman; or contrary, »peals to a man, provided > ym nent character- Like 3 it something a likes to know a woman possesse but does not enjoy hearing her about it. A man feels so uncom- fortable as in the shadow of sickness. It bec thy in most men lacks expression. have made it a point for so many centuries to curb their emotions that their most noble senti- ments have perished. Sympathy in a true woman comes from the soul; in the best of men cldom goes beyond the lips. Res too often ere the heart should speak. My in scnding you to college was t you might learn to rea: n is unreasonable enough son. Leave it to a man everything to common sense; at least. is beyond his reach. A woman should talk as she writes, be- ginning somewhere at random on the last pag rowing consistency and concen- tration to the four winds and winding up in some unknown corner, where only her nec weak, si heaith a it istic. man on steps wi to re a woman, has creature is the dandled dandy, who than to be the “g fashion and the mold of form.” “the obverved of ail observers.” 1 have sread of an old Turk who was once walking with his son along the streets of Con- stantircple when they saw on the oppo- sitc side of the way a Frenchman dressed in the extreme of fashion. He was equip- ped with a shining beaver hat, small and tight boots polished iike a mirror and trousers that seemed as If his legs had Leen meited and poured into them. His 3 his little cane, his waxed ache, it Is said, completed the pic- ture. Evidently he felt himseif to be the object of universal admiration. The Turk pavsed, pointing across the street, said: “My son, look there! Now, if you ever forget God or the Prophet the time may come when you will look like that Taking socicty then in its larger mean- ing, the question is, How shall our young men deport themselves? That there is danger threatening young men in society is obvious to any thought- ful person. There are evil persons and associations that would fan “the pollut- ed fires of debauchery,” “shed a rainbow luster around mere animalism,” teacl “blasphemers a more pithy profanit insult “religion through its forms and its professors,” treat ‘“sacred things with levity” and work immeasurable moral in- jury among the young men. What young man is there who is not sensible of the good or bad Influence of society on his own life. It is said: “A doubter will awaken in us a spirit of doubt; the cav- iiler, a captious spirit; the cold-natured chills our own feelings; the man of low aims or smah energy often leaves us listless, hopeless or inoperative; the man of life, spirit, determination and energy secems to quicken and inspire our own nature.” Such is the social condition «f things that King David's earnest inquiry concerninig the weitare of nis salom—*"Is the young mgh safe?’'—may well bc our own earnest inquiry as to the welfare of our young men. A young man’'s purpose in life will largely determine his place in soclety. 1f he keeps in mind that what God aims at in us is not money or fame, but true manhood all his social relations in life will be made to tend toward that high ideal.” The rational way to look at life best friends would expect it. With a man this is impossible. He talks as he would do a problem in algebra, except that his conclusions are not quite so accurate, by er laugh when a man tells a story, unless you are sure he has reached the end; he is liable to begin all over again. You will find it somewhat difficult to know just how much wit a woman is entitled to have. It is a scientific fact that the wit of a man is far superior to that of the weaker sex; consequently, the extent of your wit must be very limited indeed. Owing to your education this will be irk- some, but a woman must suffer many things in order that the discoveries of sci- ence be not disproved. You will notice that a man is as thoroughly satisfied when he makes a woman laugh as when he s something humorous. When you see a woman who is constantly laughing, do not attribute it to a shallow nature, for the rious woman robs herself of the most effective weapon of her sex—a smile. Never resort to tears where laughter is possible; the one detracts, while the other. adds to your beauty. A woman in tears excites only compassion; a woman in smiles excites admiration. Do not fall into the error of some wo- men who believe it polite to ignore the faults of man. Most men take a Secret pride in their fauits;a man must be proud of something. you know. and there ls no as Rev. Dr. J. R. Miiler says, “a buiid slow day by day, through Every ncw lesson we learn a block on the edifice which is rising within u Every experlence, every touch of another life on ours, e cry influence that impresses us, every book we read, every conversation we Lave, every act of our commonest days acds something to the invisible bullding. The purpose in life being settled. the young man must not take any position in society that he accidentaily drops Into. He must not let others or accidental cir- cumstances setile his place in society for him. He is not to be chameicon-like. tak- ing his cue solely from the movements of others—afraid to think for him- self or to have any live plan or aspira- tion of his own. He must not be a timid and subservient man. truckiing to every changing whim of a capricious public sentiment, but be frank to express and Lold to stand by his honest convictions The great trouble with some young men is their lack of moral backbone. They are as a public speaker styles them, "a mush of concessions.” This is not an ele- gunt phrase, but it forcibly characterizes the man who trims his saills to every passing brecze. Hamlet depicts this vacil- luting character in the person of the courtier Polonjus: Hamlet—Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel? Polonjus—By the Mars, and ‘tis like & came!, indeed. S Hamlet—Methinks it is like a weasel. Polonius—It is backed like a weasel. Hamlet—Or ke a whale? Polonius—Very like a whale. Every young man should realize that he is a debtor to socicty. He owes It to himeelf, to his friends and to soclety to pay his way through life by making his life a true success. He should not talk of his personal liberty, of his right to do as he pleases, unless he pleases to do that which is for his highest good and for the best interests of soclety. Society should be the better for his having llved. Many think of their obligations to society only from a selfish or business point of view; but I have in mind a higher obligation— that of making a noble and pure charac- ter, the building of a true life. No man discharges his full obligations to his fel- low-men, whatever his achievements in Is, B ¥ 1e agces. lays silently wish to continue the acquaintance. This will settle definitely the question. Per- sonal calls and congratulations should be made at once where greater intimacy ex- ists. For a newly divorced woman to make the first call upon friends is hor- ribly bad form. She should wait until in some manner assured that the friend- ship is desired on the same footing. To send out invitations for any forraal sccial gathering without such guarantee is infinitely worse. ~ thought more pleasing than that some woman s trying to reform him. - He knows as well as she does that the cause is hopel but the process admits of many enjoyable opportunities. To reform a man successfully, acxnowledge - only those defects which demand no sacrifice on his part; to break him of a serious vice, substitute something equally as in- jurious. For instance, if he loves his ¢i- gar, give him a woman; 1f he loves a wo- man, give him back his cigar. Never make a man's crimes the excuse for your follies, or the first for forgiveness, for man’s judgment is generally indifference. 1f a man attributes to you a fault you do not possess control your anger. Wait until he discovers one you do. The preservation of your character is not so much in your hands as it is in other people’s tongues. You will find few men who have not a secret confidence in their - abllity to read women; that is, single men. Married men are content to read the newspapers. Now, a man must be hymored. If you rob a man of his lit- tle vanities and peculierities you deprive him’ of interest altogether. In this age, where romance ‘is only {n books, a woman must fall back upon her imagin: tion; all that a man lacks. it should supply: ail that he has, it should eliminate. There is no reason why the principles of Chris- tiar Sclence cannot be employed in love learning and his bustness succes, without a clean and pure life morally. All that a young man does should be done with the aim to develop as perfect a type of manhood as is possible. A young man should so conserve his physical, mental and moral strength as to make the highest ideal of manhood possible of attainment. To this end he shouid accept Christ's philosophy of life, “The life is more than meat.” While to eat, drink and dress ure recessary to life, they are not to be al- lowed 1o become an end in themselves. These natural wants should be used as means to a noble and pure thought ilie, and to useful and holy achievement. ery young man Bwes It to society to Itvate un attractive personality, to ake himself easy to live with, and to ke others happy. He should be “liv- ing sunshine” and learn what Rev. Dr. “Tneodore Parker calls “the joy of de- lighting. All this, of course, implies the victory over one's self, which is the greatest of all victorles. We are told of & young man who inquired of the oracle how he should gain the laurel wreath placed only on the brow of the greatest hero. The answer was, “When you have galned a victory over your worst enemy. The young man went forth to battle and brought trephy after trophy, won on bloody fields of strife, but still the laurel wreath was not given. At last, despair- ing of winning the great prize, the youth went back to his childhood’'s home, and there on a certain day he made his plans to join his comrades in hunting the wild boar. His little sister, it is said, was restless and cricd to rest on his strong shoulder and to play with his bright hel- met. So he let his merry comrades go without him and he set himself to soothe hir sister. And Instantly at his side ap- peared the messenger of the gods with wings on his heels and the green leaves in his hind. “But where is my victory?" asked the young man. “Where Is my dead enemy?”’ The smiling messenger replied, “Thy worst foe was within thine own heart, and in giving up thy selfish de- sire, in seeking to serve another rather than thyself, thou hast won the most glo- rious of victorfes.” Does not every young man owe this victory over himself to so- clety? Is there not in this victery the real secret of a happy life? Paul says: FOF 4 Wolad 10 dOn wouliung o a husband from whom she has been di- vorced is the worst possible taste and w'll subject her to ridicule; this is always ex- cepting where unexplained extenuating circumstances may exist. If neither one nor the other married subsequent to tho divorcement and a deathbed reconciiia- tion is effected, then the woman would be perfectly Jjustified in pursuin either course that appealed to her. Not to as- sume mourning would be tantamount to letting her friends see that a deathbed re- pentance and reconciliation did not efface the records of old wrongs, or the woman may have learned to love elsewhere and sumply went to the man who lay dying because of her womanly sympathy and to soothe the last hours by the evidencs of forgiveness. Under such circumstances it would be mockery to assume the hablli- ments of woe. On the other hand, if some love com- bined with an Infinite pity mastered her heart and blotted out old memories with tears and no other love had entered Into her life, then she would be justified in as- suming the role and garb of a widow. For a woman who has lived miles apart from her husband unto the bitter end, whether divorced or only separated, it Is folly to change her mode of life or garb in any ‘way, particularly if the husbani's life has been a living affront to her. To assume a widow’s role under such condi- tionls is horrible, although there might be unknown reasons justifying it; yet a woman's pride should deter her from oe- traying grief for a man who had lived and dled as the companion of another woman. When the man dies from whom a wom- “ an has been divorced for years it is good form to ignore the fact, and not even to mention it to the former wife unless sh2 should Introduce the subject and signify that any comments can neither wound, offend nor grieve her. There recurs to me here a funny little anecdote heard not long ago, when a mun died from whom a lovely woman had o'- talned a divorce after belng beggared by him and separated for years. The man had assumed other relations; the woman, however, had been satisfied to remain un- incumbered. But little good could have been truthfully said of the deceased. A few days after his funeral an old and very dear friend called on the newly widowed divorcee. **My dear,” she said sympathetically, “so he's dead after all these years. I did not know what to write, whether to condole or to congratu- ooz " as well as In any other disease. The per- fection of man will then become a pos- eibility. It is a strange thing that w.ile a woman never quite finds her ideal in a man, the man nearly always discovers his in “an- other woman.” Whether or not this is because a woman does not take his sex into consideration, when e forms her ideal of a man, I would not undertake to say, but the safest plan is to construct your pedestal as lofty as possible, then never give up until you discover the man who stands upon it. In so loving you will escape all the dangers of marriage and live a good, lonely life. There are some mothers who would hesitate to install such precepts into the minds of their daughters, but would rather they would learn through experi- ence. Experience, my dear, is a slow teacher—a girl can learn more from her mother in an hour than experience would teach her in years. I do not desire you to be cynical, but a woman whose trust in man never exists will éscape one of life's keenest pains, that of disappoint- ment. Before marriage put your faith in a man only as he deserves it; after mar- riage believe in him as long as you can. Inconstancy is not the fault of man or woman as it is the plaything of circum- stances. To secure a man's eternal de- OCILE; “Ye ocught to support the weak and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.” But no young man is a debtor to society to serve it in the evils thereof. He must rise above the conventional life of so- cicty when it would lead to sin and to degradation. To live his best he must live soberly, rightecusly and godly, re- gardless of all the trammels of society. There are social evils which no young man dare give himself to if he would live his best. We are living in an age of impatience and haste. Young men are charged like an electric dynamo: they dash here and there, intb this and Into that in the rest- less enthusiasm of youth. The great dan- ger is that they will throw off all whole- some restraints in their pursuit of happl- ness. God and nature impose certain re- strictions; to violate these means to open the way for inevitable destruction. No young man should ever let down the bars guarding the sacred inclosure of a pure heart and a clean life. We are living In an age of daring. It s wonderful how far young men will go tn the face of danger to show that they are not cowards, or to win the approval of their assoclates. Two young Cornell stu- dents- were told that in order to join a secret organization they must ride from Ithaca, N. Y., to Geneva on the roof of the baggage car on the fastest Lehigh Valley passenger train. Accordingly they climbed on the roof of the train when it pulled Into the station. The distance be- tween the two stations was forty miles ‘and the train made no stops. There was a strong, cold wind blowing from the north, and this, added to the velocity, nearly blew the students from the car. ‘With hands benumbed they held fast to the ventilating pipes. Hot cinders poured down upon them and they were soon blinded. The train whirled around curves at a frightful rate of speed and they held their breath for fear they would be sent rolling into the ditch. Every second was full of agony. When the train reached Geneva they were assisted from their perilous position and sent to a hospital more dead than alive. I suppose this feat proved these young students real heroes and worthy a place in the coveted secret organization: but it also shows that the BY KATE THYSON MARR. late you, so came myself. 1 feel like the old country parson who was called upon to bury a man who had been lynched tor horse stealing. He could not say anything good of the man, and his conscieuce would not allow him to say anything un- kind of the dead, so he confined his re- marks to, ‘Brethren, we have before us a nice, cold, quiet corpse,” and that appiies to your ex.” There is something awe-inspiring in the contemplation of death to many sensi- tfvely organized women that no matter how great the wrongs one may have suf- fcred, or how deep the resentment, in that awful presence the voice of justice is bushed and the former wife remembers only the days when he was of her soul a part. It may be a sort of hysterical reaction accompanied by a few tears, but they are rather a tribute to old memories than to the lifeless form so long in real- ity dead to her. In the question of stationery a divorced woman should immediately resume her maiden name, if she has embodled such a prayer In her petition, but if she has children she should retain the surname of the husband and her full name before her niarriage should be substituted for the husband's given name on her cards. A widow should retain her husband's full rame. The divorced woman uses her maiden name, which designates each. The philosophy of this mandate of etiquet is evident, because should a divorced woman through pique or for any other reason continue to use cards bearing her former husband's full name, in the event of his marrying again it might lead to embarrassing complications. It is wisdom for a woman, how independent or outraged she may feel, to observe conventionalities, and during the few months following the ob- taining of a decree to guard every act, for in the end very few people genuinely respect a woman who puts herseif on ex- hibition. To marry immediately on gaining legal freedom stains a woman indelibly and tends to confirm any gossip to her detri- ment, besides an unhappy marriage should keep a woman in holy fear of again get- ting into matrimonial mischief. Divorce is always horrible. The flaunt- ing of mussed-up domestic linen is nause- ating when accompanied by revoiting ex- poses, and while there’s no denying that an unhappy marriage Is a pocket edition of hades, yet if it can possibly be en- dured I am a heasty advocate of the “kiss and make up” theory and practice. no matter ETTERY FROM A TAILOR-NADE MOTHER_ o 5 votion be eternally on your guard. Often the cause is your own unconscious faults, rather than the attraction of another woman. To a girl at your age in life, even after the advice I have given you, some man Is sure to be nothing less than a god. When this comes, try and worship him in catacombs of your heart, at least u your religlous views have become a c viction. To say to you, “Do not fall in love,” would be as useless as to say, “Do not talk,” but I can at least prepare you for the crisis. Do not trust to the promptings of your own heart when you can rely upon those of your mother, for, at my age, a woman sees men as they are rather than as they ought to be. Let what I have said sink into your heart so deeply that its presence will be remem- bered only when necessary, for it is not good that an old woman's knowledge should show in a young girl's face. Lov- ingly, MOTHER. P. 8.—I am anxious to know what plans you have made for the future. Were you a man it would be unnecessary to ask, for a man will talk more of his future than a woman will hide of her past. How would you enjoy a trip abroad? Do write more of yourself; I am beginning to suspect there is somebody who Interests vou more. M. s S > REV. FRANK K BAKEFR foolkiller has not completed his work. In one of our California citles some young men dared each other to touch a live guy wire. One of the number accepted the dare, grabbed the wire and was knockea unconsclous to the ground, dying in a short time. If young men will risk life to gratify a mere whim, what should they not do to keep themselves unpolluted from the social’evils which threaten them. A settled purpose not to defile themselves, even with “‘the portion of the king's meat,"~is a strong pledge of vic- torious manhood. A young man must watch the int«-val between the hours of toll. It is not hard work that kills; it is the Interval between the hours of-toll. Says Rev. Dr. T. Cuy- ler: “If 1 were a merchant and a young man applied to me for employment in any responsible position one of the first ques. tions that I should ask him would be, Where do you spend your evenings? The answer to that question would go very far toward determining whether he were the man to be trusted or not.” This 1s said to be the test of the real man; he 1s to be known by his habits, his haunts and his companions durimg his evening hours. The night time is the devil's harvest time. When the day’s toll is over young men seek recreation. To meet this nat- ural necessity both good and bad infu- ences invite young men. This is the time when one’s companions and soclal fellow ship tell most powerfully for good or evil. To have companions whose esti- mate of life is now and purely animal means that one is traveling toward the fatal maelstrom of moral ruin. Three out of four of the yaung men who go wrong do so through evfl assoclations in life. What perils jeopardize the life of yours men in the Impure playhouse, in wine drinking, card playing, gambiing, etc The wages of these things is death sooner or later. It is not the mark of a ma- ture mind to be always asking to be amused. It is to be hoped that young men will never give themselves to that distorted conception of life as held by ‘he ascetics, that all merriment and gooa cheer come from the devil and all the sad and melancholy things come from God. But the danger to young men is not that they shall err at this,point, out that they will not discriminate betweer what Is really zggreation and what is dis- sipation.