The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 12, 1900, Page 7

THE SUNDAY CALL. ' &orse and Mcré 0)‘ .9t One man in Smaldesl—an English sture-t keeper, who had been straddling war | Issucs for months in striving to save M!! siock in trade—almost cried for joy when | the British troops arrived, and lnstamly‘ Urged the correspondents to retire to the Secrecy of his chamber, where he opened fizzing bottles to celebrate the occasion. | An hour afterward he was very unhappy. Tommy, when he is tired and hungry and | in the “bloomin’ enemy’s country,” has | not a very delicate conscience regarding property rights vested in wandering poultry and sheep. and he is—that is, some of the soldiers are—inclined to seek for a few odd sovereigns that may have been carelessly tucked away In old stock- Ings. The Englishman, a loyal British subject, stood inviting wus cordially to dine with him, when in rushed a M boy exclaiming, “Master! dar killin’ de ducks!’ Yes, the ducks were all gone, ;.rui down the street rode a procession nnocent men, with mnice fellows, strung in pairs, flopping m&m— rings. It Is strange how a flock of fowls. sociably clucking and quacking about .. yard, will dwindle away in one short haif hour, as they review a passing army. The Englishman's next shock was when the commanding officer commandeered ail forage and Put a sentry ever it; that was not so bad, for he was to be paid by gov- ernment voucher. He later rushed 1in shouting: *“By —' Do you know they have killed two hundred of my. sheep! What shall T 80?” “See the provost mar- shal. of course,” we explained, “and get Vouchers for them,” but before he could act on this sound advice, again he started, and siarted down the street, and shot away to hawl an inquisitive Tommy by the legs out of a window of his house. —Wii- liam Dinwiddie, in Harper's Weekly. ———— ) . SHE HAD TO GET WELL. Mrs. Nurvus—Do you think I'm going to Young—Dear me! I hope not. T have- Eight-Word Poems. Nobie earl Lost bets; American girl Title gets. Little Poem Lacks fire; Sent back— Kitchen fire. Stone broke, Meager fare; Patent soap, Millionaire. Forest glen, Lion’'s @en. Savage tones, Rags, bones. Lady bold; Hair gold; Rafm—alack! Hair black! Angler firm, Little worm; Lone house; “Murder! Fire!” Poor mouse. —8t. Louis Post Dispatch. ————l A SAFETY CLAUSE. He—I think I'll eat a third watermelon. She—So will I “No, you don't; if we both ge* sick | who's to go for the doctor?”—Indianapolis Journal. Nt jost a patient yet, and to save my life — 1 > > 1 could make out a certifi- CAUSE FOR CONCERN. Ce — . She—Papa is worried about our future. A health journal says you ought to take He—What does he say”? three-qus irters of an hour for dinner. It ““That he fears 1 won’'t be able to sup- 2 is well also to add a few vegetables and a | port you as you are living at present.”'— piece of meat. New York World. L e e B O 3 3 2 S S 2 e e e 2 2 20 3 0 (3 30 3 e O R, Rastus—"“"Wha' kin’ ob a dorg yo' call dat, Eph?” Eph—"Dat’s a terbacker dorg.” Rastus—"“What yo' mean?” Eph—"He's a spitz.” GLOATING IN THE GLOAMING. THE FIRST STEP. Vhen you 1ejeted me last evening.,” “What we want to do,”” said one of the | } voung Spoonamore, *“had you | benighted nation’s wise old men, “is to 1. M s= Quickstep, that my rich uncle A off without a shilling?” she sazid, with tears of tender compassion in her eyes, I had not. Be- 1 me, my friend, 1 am so—" ¢ hasn’t—and I've got another gir J the pale moonlight he was seen | t cer horribly. NOT PARTIAL TO GOSSIP. “Wake up!” shouted the man’'s wife, “and stop snoring.” “I'm net snoring,” he shouted. “You are,” she insisted; “I hear vou.” “Well, don't believe all you hear,” he grunted.—Philadelphia North Ameri- can A USEFUL SONG. “What shall I sing, Clarence?” “Sing that lovely old-time song, ‘Lo- rema.’ "’ ".(hn , I see; you're fixing to get a good long nap.”—Chicago Record. ENCOURAGEMENT. He—Would you object seriously to my vou? —Well, you see, I must resist on eral principles, but then—I'm not very —The Smart Set. ng DANGER. “Mother “Yes But Who lurks may I go out to swim?” , my darling daughter; keep away from the snap-shot fiend beside the water!” —New York World. A HAPPY OUTCOME., e e e e e e ——————————————————————————ie ettt Gilfoyle—Kilduff’s elopement wasn’t suc- cessful, was it? Poindexter—©h, I don’'t know. The old | man caught them before they reached the | minister's.—The Smart Set i get civilized.” “I know,”” answered the chief; “but how shall we go about it?” “Well, 1 suppose the first step is to quit killing people by hand and learn to uso machinery.”—Washington Star. THE LEISURE CLASS. T.ord Sayvan De Livrus—Ah! but your leisure clawss in this country have no titles. Miss Sharpe—Nonsense! matter with *hobo,” *“Weary Willie,” “Dusty Roads,” and so on?—Philadelphia Press. WANTS HIM AT ANY PRICE. Attorney—You can sue him for breach of promise, madam; but it seems to be preposterous to claim £10 damages. Fair Client—I want to get so heavy a judgment against him that he'll be glad to marry me—the scoundrel! COMMODIOUS APARTMENTS. “It is awfully crowded here.” “Why, Harry, you forget; we have nice little paths in every room, and we don’t have to climb on the bed to get things out of the bureau as we did in that other flat.”’—Chicago Record. AT THE HUNT DINNER. Mr. Hardryder—Some apollinaris ‘wlth your tipple. Miss Highflyer? Miss Highfiyer—No, thanks; TI'll go straight at it and take the water jump.— The Smart Set. TRUE ART. Wigwag (showing Bjones through his new house)—What do you think of that fricze? v Biones—Fine! Looks as though it might have been done by an ice man.—Philadel- phia Record. glice of | | What's the | l HID BEHIND THEM. First rassenger (behind his paper)—‘‘Newspapers are great things, aren't they?™ Second Passenger (ditto)—‘“You bet. | to etand up most all the way home.” If it wasn't for them we men would have @i e e MIND OVER MATTER. “Is there any way of getting a little relief from the hot weather?” inquired the panting citizen., “Of course, I know it's all for the best, but I can’t keep myself reminded of it.” “Well,” answered Mr. Dustin Stox, “I have managed to get a little comfort out of the situation.” “How?” “I went and bought a lot of stock in an ice company.”’'—Washington Star. NOT ALL THERE. “What kind of a man is Rodney Mec- Nibbs?"” “Oh, he's the kind that would present you with the second volume of a book and not know it.”"—Chicago Record. NOT Thai WAY. Waller—So Bilkins rents that £70-a-year house of yours, does he? He pays too much rent. Landlord (sighing)—You don’t know him. Teacher—If one man can perform a piece of work In six days, how long will it take six men to do it. Willle—About six REMOVED IN BITS. ““How did you get rid of those unsightly bowlders?’ inquired the man on wp of the coach. “Easy enough, stranger,”” responded Amber Pete. “We just told people a big Injun fight -occurred on them rocks, an’ in less than a year these tenderfoot tour- ists had chopped them all away for souve- nirs.”—Chicago News. IN EUROPE. “Maybe the Boers is givin’ Ould Eng- land a dale o’ trouble,” sald Cassidy, “‘but Of notice there’'s an Irish family thot's kapin’ her guessin’, too.” “Phwat’s that?” asked Finnigan. “The Powers.”—Philadelphia Press TO BE CONSIDERED. “Goin’ to New York, Silas? You ought to run over to Paris.” “{ might If I understood French.” *““Well, not understandin’ it, Silas, you might be harder to bunko.”—Puck. Magistrate—What are these prisoners charged with? Policeman—I arrested them for fighting, your Honor. They are a weeks. Teacher—How do you get that? | couple of golf players and— Magistrate— Willie—Six men would get up a strike. e e | l l | | | Send for the conurt interpreter. i e S U - \ “Coom down to the corner, Paddy, an’ see the Dootch parade.” “We kin see ut betther here.” “Yis; but there’'s a foine new poile uv pavin'-stones down there.”