The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 12, 1900, Page 3

THE SUND Zé[gré Fis First After-Dinner JSpeech. (He stea oy takes a glanc rd m UTSE his seat at the table, and| at the toast-list.) | the last speaker—and al dinner to be lived through sa Well—maybe I'll diel t to it. Hope so, I'm sure. | ysters, but ne taste to 'em.] tongue—it feels sort of ks all right, but I don’t seem | it goes down. gentlemen’— no—I asimaster and Gentlemen.’ | look pale? Feel pale, I'm | got a fish-bone in my throat | ged the current of my | « i twelr b fc Por no, ¥ Gilad 1 ughts for a time, and eased up some of | ressure on my brain. the man questions which I haven't mind spare to answer.—'There's a ory which comes to my mind, as 1wddress you." By the Lord Harry, t story begin? Suppose it to my mind! Snouldn’t know -~ ol ome s game? it from Am I eating like a civilized r am | ramming it down the way a g for me after dinner? Wish that t across the table wouldn’t look at the f my hair so often. Wonder if crooked after all? “Used the wrong fork for my oysters, becomes evident. Got to use oyster- now for the roast. Glad my wife glad I've got one thing left to be glad for. “‘There can be no question that the issues which are involved in this matter of'—that’s not right. ‘There can be neo involved in this question which is not’—By Jove, but this room is infernally hot! *“There can be no question involved in this issue’—oh, which way does the confounded thing go? “While I eat this salad, I'm going to think this thing out calmiy. [ certainly it fork isn't here iSsue know this speech by heart; I've gone to | when | knew a thrashing was | may have nothing to do but eat his dinner and ask fool questions of men who have something on their minds. “By Jove, we're getting pretty well through! My mouth is as dry as saw- dust, nothing seems to moisten it up. Never knew I had palpitation of the heart —but I got it now, sure. I'll see the doctor in the morning, if I'm alive—which I doubt. “Guess I won’'t smoke; don't think I ceuld hold my hand steady to light up. I'l have to take out more insurance if I've got heart disease—if I can get any company to take my risk. “Great heavens! we've got to the toasts. First man looks as calm as mud. Wish Besides 1t | I could just look that way, whether I on my left from ask- | said much of anything or not. But I don’t, | I look all coiors—blue, just now, I think. “Second man up! Three more before { me. Wish I could go home. Afraid I for- igox to applavd Number One. Must re- member that, this time. t “T'wo more! Jf my knees shake like this I can't stand on my legs, that's all. I see my finish; I shall fall over and be | carried out, and that'!l! be the best thing that could happen—so long as nobody gets onto it. One more! George Thomp- | son, when that man sits down you've got | to get up. Oh, why can’t 1 go home? I've | had enough of this. [ believe I'll--I'll run | away—NOW! | ‘He’s getting through! “The questions i involved in this issue—The issues involved | in this question—Ladies and— Mr. Toast- master and gentlemen. As I rise to ad- dress you—as I rise to address you, a little | story comes to my mind'—My mind! It's a perfect blank—absolute. He's sitting down! Oh, I wish I were being hanged— I do, I DO!—My Toastmaster and ladies’ | —or being shot for a deserter, or being ? wrecked on a barren island. Now, it's COME! He's calling on ME! They're { looking at me! I know my necktie’s | under one ear—I know it—but I can’t i | bed, and got rith it, toc g t - | heip it now; it's too late—everything’s ‘:. 1,‘ ; s‘ l}l;“:,:,vg ,‘l, ll?:,, I';;g e | too late. Here I go. SPEAK, George t it now. s n« E getting | , o % ~ P e “ fhompson! SPEAK, you fool! rattied Ihere ean be no question that | " (ajoud). “My Toastmaster—L-l—and this matter involves issues’'—Confound it, | gentlemen—"—Grace 8. Richmond, In why can’t that man let me alone? He Truth. : ++ NOT PARTICULAR. Sw Hunter—"How! Did you shoot these birds on the wing?"” ‘ D Like-Much-Chin—"Injun shoot him in head, tail, wing, feet, any- L ) care, so he get "um.™ 1 t me every time I try to - J e a R | rup v say some he Man &Pho jf¥ad the VDoie. thing. ’Do I ever break in when you're The following is an unreported ineident | talKing? X of the commissioners appoint- Mrs. Kawdle—No, you wretch! You go ed re into a certain election peti- | to sleep! . ! o o S your name?”’ | DE TROP. . { . Jones i - i e i B “Don’t talk to me about a third party!” v *‘;“"k‘["_'_‘l‘lf l"';:m to | ©Xclaimed the cld politician. “A third par- the Si r ey R § mpare 3 ty is always a fraud.” . . there?” “He's awfully in the way sometimes,” -~ assented the politician’'s pretty daughter. i do?” > e 1 shillings, and said as N THS SAEE BOAT. AOW Le r —." e} | Smythe—My wife dropped in to see me i a vote for Mr. . | at ghe office to-day, and— B | Browne—Sorry, old man, but my wife r-s o T saw me before 1 left home. I haven't a Pig and Whistle. | cent to lend.—Philadelphia Press. s inother man.”” A LEAD-PIPE CINCH. tive shillings and said I Mistress—So you are married, Bridget? W May you be very, very happy! " Cook—Shure, mum, it’s a cinch! He gits twinty dollars a wake and weighs forty u do then?" pounds less’'n I do!—Puck. w the Red Lion.” S ' re THE DISCOURAGED LOVER. - '.r you ::\f‘_ shillings and | Paphne is a summer beauty, but her ¢ - for Bx e | grace my poor heart mocks, 2 | For I know I could not buy her such a A il vou | lot of fluffy frocks. ¢ = —Chicago Record. A then, on your own admission, have obtained fifteen shillings to vote me of the candidates; did you vole‘ , sir.”™ “Why not?’ “Because | ain't got no vote; it's my father, George Jones, who's an elector.” —London Tit-Bits. —_—————— LABOR SAVED. “Sedgeley’s cow broke into my lawn and chewed off all the grass.”™ “What did he do?” “Sent me a bill for using his cow as a jawn mower.”—Philadeiphia North Amer- ican, HIS ONLY WAY OF ESCAPE. Mr Kawdle—l wish you wouldn't inter- NEW WAY. Jones—I'm down on mixed jury verdicts in murder trials. Brown—How would you fix things? Jones—I'd leave the evidence with twelve handwriting experts.—Indianapolis Jour- nal. NOT TRANSFERABLE. Jane's youth is lost—aias, alack; Nor prayers nor tears can lure it back; But, on one score, she does not mind ft— No other dame will ever find It —Indianapolis Journal. me. Didn't I walk the floor with him when he was a baby? \ poaiii-- A Al - e ————— AY CALL. TOO FAR AWAY. Phyllis—I suppose you had plenty of fresh milk at the farmhouse wher. ,0u boarded last summer?” Phrank—*“Oh, no! We were nearly one hundred miles from the nearest city.” T R T 0 S 2 S S A 3 0 2 e 2 e e 2 e ] CAUSE. NO FAHMER. She (slyly)—How is it—er—George, that you have never thought seriousiy of get- ting married?”’ George (dreamily)—I thought seriously of it; bachelor.—Judy. “I asked the new boarder what part of the country he came from.” “Well?” “He got hopping mad; said he didn’t come from the country at all.”’—Indian- apolis Journal. A sailor at Margate hailed a cab along- side his ship to drive him home. The cabby proceeded to put the luggage on the top of the cab, when the salt called out: “Here, cabby, none o’ that for me! It's me that rides on deck, and my box must go in the hold!” “I've a great notion to go and jump into the river,” said Mr. N. Peck, at the end of a little domestic discussion, as he took his hat and started out. *“You come back,” said his wife. “If you intend any such trick as that just mareh ppstairs and put on your old clothes before you start.” have always that's why I'm a “I understand,” said Mrs. Kostique, “that yvou have been seen promenading with my husband; is that true?’ The governess drew herself up defiantly. *“Yes it is,”” she replied. *“Well, Miss Primer,” the other continued, calmly, “if you wish to remain here you’'ll have to keep better company.”’ “Poor Skorcher lost his bet.” ‘“What was that?’ *“‘He bet Scouter that he could ! make one hundred miles on his wheel in- | side eight hours.” And couldn’t he do it?” | “Oh, yes, he could have done it; but he | stopped at ninety-nine, thinking that was | the end of the century.” Bangs—Terrible storm we had last night; terrific thunder and lightning. Bings— Well, you see, I reached ‘home about 2 and | I didn’'t hear the storm outside. “How women do love to sf..are at a hero,” said the cynical youth.A Yes,” as- sented the savage bachelor. ‘““That is one reason why they ‘all flock to weddings:"” HE HAD MARRIED HER. - He—*"I used to pay that woman compliments five years ago.™ She—*“What do you pay her now?”’ He—*“Alimony."”