The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, October 24, 1897, Page 29

THE SAN FRANCISCO CALL, SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24 29 THERE There is trouble out at the O d People's streets, 3 I must admit that when I tirst heard the report of unjust, tyrannical treatment on hepart of the superintendent and matron, 1 was inclined to believe case of the domestic discord which %0 often marks small communities, another proof of wman's inferiority “who in their little nests agree” —a case of boarding-house distemper, in short. I have seen and spoken to man compleihasts and to the comy Now, THE CArp readers may themseives whether there is legitimate t or whether the dis- erely to the queru.ous cause for com satisfaction isd fanlt-findir The Old building, ful char a handsome library spacious, lig upper floor rooms, wome Bat amity, 1h old a hal's On the two anged, cozy men and dw in peace and nd intention of founder. + old woman whose hair and fluffy an e o wicked hts as I have since 1 d hateful. I'm sshamea— e poor little withered old nd tried not to smile at k me anything,” said e of the occunant s neat and orderly ‘The moment you came in s was known downstairs. 1 blamed— 1 =hall bs accused of bout the management, and ed” —her pale blue tirel eyes e asshe wenton p il improved improving Us It was d cause of the eft he essing to see and to be the wor old lady's distress, so 1 z 4 o " I a‘ter visiting a number of room e home my memory of vless peopie is a sort of ire of oli age ymen grow so the mouth 2 philosophical, and s even gently smiling. inclined to believe the tale such s, for people who have lived ears in this world, who find it from must be dependent phrscally and y as was their entrance, are 1o ifl2s nor to b: hyper- es, nally apt to wellupon t critcal. M * “The home is not a home,” said a man 3 years old to me. *“It has become more a prison than a home. The sick are ected; they do not proper attention. popula 1 and u nd overbearing bec: and e <0 not like him. T women fe: Heencoa -be and by poer The relizion I believe in taushi that to be a Christian consisted in performing mount of preaching— d 1o spare of tha indays grace before and prayer ry meal; on weekdays pray —uot six services nor six stian ac No nd we get e 3 “The fun st things happened this d the gentleman in the box- ¢ swiling in an unusually apprecia- e manner when the seats were on sale Under the Rel Robe,” humorous myself, so I prepared 1ol sten interested “Why,” he sail, “when I came un this morning an old fellow, aparently from the country, and a young woman sat on he steps just here in front.. I-opened the “indow and sold tickets ind glanced down [:ow and then, and still they waued. After while I went out and ssked if they were waiting for any one, “‘We're waitin’ to get some tickets,’ said the old feilow, lookinz up pleasingly. **“The box-office is open,’ I'said, turning 0 g0 back. ' I know; but I don’t wanta boz,” he | replied, turning away again. want plain seats.” 1t only another | to the birds, | —I never had | ° ve grown revengeful and | ghing matter to these | of | | vhile she strove to apole- | pitabledelight at getting | | in **funny’ thngs, tnough I | cesa dsy can make up for un-Christian acts, rintendent is a minister, a In a non-sectarian where there are all denomi- ons of all relizions, the erintend- 'ut should not be a minister. Clergymen f different denominations would rere on differant Sundays to preach, Tben those who wished could atiend.” “Don’t you attend the chapel se:vices?" [ asked. “No; Ido not.” “But rule 4 very inmate, ex- cept in case of si xpected to at- end fawily prayer, chapel services and to be present at ail of the religious exer- cises of the home, unless excused by al permission.’ "’ Yes. But that rule Such a rule cannot United States, then? is not enforced. be enforced in Where's relizious freedom Of course, one who dues not attend chapel cannot expect to be a favorite with the man at the head. Iknowtaat. Butl do not respect the superintendent, and 1 cannol couscientiously attend services over which such a man presides.”’ * * I happened to meet two old Iadies sit- ting together in one of the rooms. The »ne who looked ycunsz, comparatively, I discovered was nearly ars old. e who look:d very old spoke of her companion as a ‘*dear old lady.” But ! began to speak to them about the jort of atisiaction at the home the tifference in their azes was evident. The »ne whom I had thouzht the younger be- ran to tremble. ) white encouraged and comforted the other. | | | wh Tae one whose hair was fraid.” ‘I'm so a t like sa it, you can go,’ Mrs. Now, where can I go? I | alone in this country. tions in the world. friienas el My vide my clothes ana I have paid my $1000 pro- to the home. Now, I have nowhere to What wou'd Ido,’” she went on, her | agitation increasine. “if I should be put out into the strects?” he's very timid,” explained her w ired junior, patronizingly, “‘and they have threatened her. It worries her. Sk can't sleep. ce and worry. bleis,” the other weman began t ‘the matron is not a gocd She doss not over-ee the | Chinaman ia the kitchen, and he cooks Things You know how old reo- Lousekeeper, what ne likes and how he likes. are not weli cooked and oid know, must hav: nourishing thi | rich food, not things that are cxpensive, imple things Not pork and b so. “Why, that’s not bad,” he said. “Just come in for awhile and listen tothe things that are said and watch what is done.” There are not many experiences in the line of “'qieer things” that newspaper writers do not have a chance of observ- inz. 1 bhad often fancied that the man who sold tickets at a theater must of nece-sity possess more patience, polite- ness.and policy than one could measure, Hunian nature in all its pecabarities and variegations, its weaknesses and stu- pidities, seems 10 manifest itself most particalarly at a theater. Perhaps it is because the play toucbesa chord in a man or woman which nothing else ever reaches that you hear sach strange and ianciful remarks from the youug couple behind you or the man at your side. So I climbed upon a high stool behind | ‘We just 4 the smilin : ticket-celler for the Baldwiw Thea'er and waited, but not for long. A If Mr: Morgenstern hadn’t told itIreally l young lady, with oue of those faces which come | the | The | said the elder woman. | vthing we are told to leave. | I baveno | I | 1ar as pos ible within | w.ndow. nor sausage and griddie cakes, nor codfish, nor cornbeef and cabbage—that's our menu,” said the white-haired girl of 70, with a twinkle in her sharp gray eyes. “But the sick do not get such foou?' I said. *Yes, they do. Oh, that's what I fear— to cet sick. The food is the same for the sick as for the well here. 1 have friends who hav: promised to see that I'm taken care of, but I pity those who bave no friends. A lady ucross the street uted to send in things to one of the men who died nere, and he relished them so.” “It's the spirit of the thing’ said her companion. Now, you know, we call the front door ‘the holy door.” Those stairs in front are the ‘holy stairz,” The | superintendent is the ‘Grand Mogul,’ the ‘Czar,’ ‘Uriah Heep’ and ‘Pecksniff’ and anything else we can thin of that's hypeeritical and overbearin | the venerable little wag. We are not permitted to use the frontentrance. Why El not? Beczuse the man’s all for appear- | ances. He doesn’t think of our comfort, but to the show things make, Fot two years the library was turned into a chapel (although there ix a chapel), and we sat out in the hall. Too much religion, | really. Don’tvou think so? It was cold out in the ball in winter and we used to | gather around a poor old gentleman who bad rheumatism to keep the drausht from | him. The board of lady managers has |given us the wuse of the Ili- brary again, but everrthin we do is sinful to this Puaritan. He refused to permit one old lady’'s trunk to be carried down the stairs on Sunday morning when she was to leave town. And her ticket was aiready bought, vou know, and :he bad to go on the morning’s train. So one of the inn If we play cards in the evening—eards the managers huve sent us—-the matron comes up and says, ‘You'd do better to read your Bib e than to play cards.’ If we iaugh or talk in the ‘observe rale 19’ Why, imagine old pe. - ple like us—there isn't sirength emough | left in us to be boisterous.” And imagine people 70 years old whoare finishing vp a life at a “home” find.ug anything in this world to laugh at! “You sce,’”” went en the miniature rebel, (she had such a neat little fizure and she held herself so straighi)—*you see, the present . superintendent would make a ro'd bead for an institution for incor- riz.ble boys—some penal 1nstitction, you know. But we're not depraved alto- getber.” she laughed. “We're onlv a lot of inoffensive old folks—a tittle fussy, per- haps, but —,"" and all the smiling good Lumor left her quaint old face—*‘we have teen well-bred, some of us—most of us,”’ explained | eshelped ber tocarry it dcwn. | hall we are told sterniy to | | she said primly. *“We don’t like to be | treated lik: convicts. We've done notning | but be poor. Many of us have paid the | $1000 entrance charge; many pay trom $20 to $40 a month for board. Some have paid nothing; some have paid $500, $300— what they or their friends could. Itisn't | fitting that the superintendsnt should say | in our hearing, ‘If they don’t close the | doors after them 'l put fn a spring to | caten their heels,” and to threaten an old | man almost blind to ‘give him what be | | deserved.” ¢ +‘And what is that?’ he was asked. ***A thrashing,’ said the superintendent. “You see the spirit's all wrong. This superintendent thinks the home was built to provide him with a position. He's making a lot of abominable little rules like a net tocatch usin, He’s a martinet, im:erious and unjust. We don’t need so many rules. Why, most of us have had | bard times enough to make us serious and | | —easily managed. Do you know, one of the ladies was playing the piano on Sun- day, and he declared shes should not play any more because she played horn- | pires!” & +0Oh shockingl” I said. creature ! | “The wicked | *“Butshedidn-t, I assare you,” the lit- tle old lady hastened to say. *‘They were fugues, you know, quite proper church music, upor my.word. I hope vou won't think she plaved bornpipes.” 1 won’t. It's such a terrible charge | that I nesitate to believe that any one, more especially an old woman of 70, coud | b guilty of it. | ST St “I've worked hard all my life. For thirty years before I came to the home I supported myself,” said another o!d woman to me. She was well dressed, in | | black, with a small well-made bonnet on { her dark hair, which is fast growine gray. “You know when a woman earns her liv- ingshe meets some hara people and hard times. But I was never treated in all the time [ worked as I am now. There are women in the home who are not accus- tomed to hard treatment, refined, weil- educated women, Iknow of one lady— | the wife of a former professor at Berkeley. | Her son came to visit her and she asked himto dinner. Of courss she expected to pay extra for him. His ciat was faded from (he sun. But he's a gentle- | | man. Do you know the <uperintendent { wouldn’t allow him to eat at the table? And Lis old mother—oh, it almost brok | her heart! She couldn’t eat her dinner | either, but told her son that there wasa’t room at the table for him. Sue wouldn’t | | burt him by telling him the real reason. | I know of a very sad cise of a woman | who died at the home. Thevisiting phy- | | | parsimony,” she returned, - TROUBLE - ai [ Rl VBIRE B0l Home on ths corner of P.ne and Puerce | sician was out of town, and she asked that one of the inmates, who is a doctor, be al- lowed to attend her, bnt the superintend- ent would not permit it. She aied. And she never had any meagical attendance.”” “I have heard,’”’ I saia, *‘that this su- perintendent ana his wifs are excellent managers, economical and business-lie.” “There’s an economy that amounts to *This place was intended for something bett r than a poorhouse. You know, Mrs. Crucker <aid —so0 kindly, I think—'It is to bs a home for old people who haven’t been as jor tunate as I.” “*An oid man, feeb'e, sick, an ordained minister, was turned oat of here a few weeks ago bacause he complained of the food. He could get no nourishment out of it. Don’t think,"” she ssid, putting out a thin, wrinkled hand, “that we are fault- finding—that we want rich food and that. We're old. We can’t eat rich food. It isn’t good for us, But old people ought to have simple,well-cooked meals. And they should not be browbeaten and insalted. “1 hope you'll see others of the ladues. | They’ll tell you I'm speaking the truth,” TRRE R The last woman I visited at the home wasone whose praises I had heard sung all over the house, And when I had seen her sweet, oid gentle, placid voice I could easily under- stand why they all love her. She wouldn’tlisten when I began to re- peat the praises I had heard of her grace- ful, patient charity and kindness 10 the | sick ana well. | “Oh, who wouldn’t halp a sick old per- | | son?” she said, her delica'e f co flush- ing faintly. “Any one would have done whatI did. [ pity the sick here. They need such care, and they do not get what tney should have,” she said, choosing her words with cantion that she might wrong no one. -'AnaIjity those who have not paid their §1000. For it is made known to every one in the house and they suffer if they are proud. It is for their sakes that I would make no trouble. They will be vunished if it is thought that they are com- plaining. They wiil be sent away. I am one of the fortunate ones,’” she said, ber kind eyes beaming contentedly ovar her gold-rimmed spectacles. *if Lam ill Ican afford to send out and buy what I want, and I hire a nurse irom the oui- | s'de. Wruenever the food is too coarse or too heavv I can send outand buy the iittle things I like and can eat—ezg, vyou know, and easily digested food. Bt I erieve forthose who are not situated as I am. My little room is my castle. I can get what I need. Ido not fear neglect when I am sick; but my heart aches for the others.” tace and listened to her | 3 » Isaid, with my hand on the doorknob, “you believe that the Old Peo- ple's Home is a very charming place, pro- vided one is financially independent?” “Yes, I do,” she answered with con- viction, not th~ ghost of a smile on her round, sweet face, Ido, too. Butwh » at place isn't? D Then I went to seea woman who has { left the Old Peopie’s Home. She spoke very frankly. *I know they’re afraid to speak up there,” she said, in bher bird-like way, “and naturally. Af.er some of the old peo- ple had signed a petition for a change in the board, the matron sszid harshiy to them: ‘The board has said that all those who signed that petition must work in the kitchen.’ “Her mauner is dreadful. She burst into & room where I was visiting without knocking at the door. “‘How dare you zive orders to nurse?’ she said to me. *‘She actuzlly doubled her fist at me as she spoke.” The little old refugee has wavy white hair that Jooks almost blonde if the light isn’t very good. She put out a tiny fist now in illustration. *I told her I hadn’t given any orders. I had asked the nurse to please give the old Iady I was visiting--she’s nearly S0—a { good dinner that day. | fore,”” went on the mild little voice, *‘the nurse wouldn’t give her two bowis of mush, and mush is all the poor soul could eat. And—wasn’t it dreadfu. ?— he day | before the nurse had forgotten to give her her tea. to eat from 1 o’clock one afternoon till breakfast time the next morning. | “The home itself is so pretty, but I couldn’t stay there. My husband was dy- | ing when we were there, and we had to be | dieied. | sl with me she went dowastairs where he | was lying very, very ill (he's dead now), | and scolded at him; told him she was going to turn us both out. When I got there he | was crying. But we weren’t putoaut,’’ | she added with gentle dignity. *“Isaid to him: ‘Dear, we'll go—we'll leave.’ And he said he couldn't die content and leave me there. | *“So we paid the home for the time we had been there and drew our $2)00 and lefi. We were fortunate that we hadn’t | s gned the papers vet. | “Why, the meat there is dreadful. The | Chinaman boils it—they will you know, | if they’re not watchea,” ste said in a housekeepery way, "‘to get all the fat out, and then he bakes it and servesit. sick that shouid get good nutritious steaks get little burned, touzh pieces of meat | | | th For the day be- | So the old Jady had had nothing | He did not get the right food at | And when the matron found fault | The | AOME that they can’t ear. You kunow, old peo- ple can’t eat tough things. Their teeth are bad and their stomachs are weak. “Where Iam, I'm happy now. I don't look as if I were afraid, do I?” she asked with a little laugh. *Up there they don’t dare to say what they think. There is such tale-bearing. <uch ‘hypocrisy. If I'm kept out later taan 9 o'clock, visiting friends, you know, I have a key and can getin. Up at the home hey’re locked out. “I've been back to visit reople at the home since L left A friend of mine, u musician, went with me. The old ladies asked him to play, and he started to go to the piano. Before he could get there the suverintendent marched up, shut the piano, turned the key and put itin his pocket, saying, ‘No outsider shell strum on this piano.’ 5 “Wasn't it humiliating? ‘“Iihev're treated like a lot of nanghty chiliren there, reaily.” #iie * Among all the oid people I mel at the home, there was but one who spoke vin- dict vely. My ear still retains the mur- mur of the gentle, placid old voices, a dtile indistinet at times for the lack of teeth or from a superabundance of those of the dentist's manufacture. With but one exception, their manner was dignified and gracious. They avologized for taking up my tima, “You must be tired of listening to old people’s complaints. It sounds little and mean, I know, to speak of the food and the small quarrels, but our ilves are really made very unhappy.’’ e e Isaw the superintendent of the home anl haviag told him of the charges made against the manasgement I asked hirm whether he cared to say anything. Mr. McKelvey’s hair beneath his black silk skull cap is quite white. He wears gold-rimmed glasses. His manner is gentle and suave., He laughed at some of the stories I bad been told. “Iknow nothing of a2l this,”” he said. “The board is informed of everything per taining to my management and to Mrs, McKelvey's. Tne home is not a public in-titution.” “Of course—I know."’ “—But we have nothing to coaceal, Everything is open to any one who cares to inquire or to investigate. We have 130 old people here.” “And many nurses?” | “Four—two men and two women.”’ ! nd do you think that number suffi- | cient?” He nodded his head. *“OI course, all the old people are not sick.”’ “*And their diet when they are sick—'" *Is regulated by tne attending phyi- They get everytning they require.’’ “And you believe the majority of the | inmates are content?”’ “Yes. There’s bound to be some small trouble, you see. There are 13) old peo- pie here; sometimes more. With that number we couldn’t hope to have all saints, could w | cia | - For my part I shou'd be glad to think that these people ara looking at the un- avoidable little uglinesses of life in an in- stitution through the magnifving-glass of theirown sick and sore 70 years; thattheir | troubles are largely imaginary; that there is no injustice, no bigotry, no tyranny to | sadden the last yeers of their lives. Iam gl that the responsibitity of de- ciding the question is not mine, and the | board of lady managers—I mention the | corporate name of these charitable ladies, as do the inmates of the home, with all | reverence—have my sympathy, for it rests with them to decide whether or not they and those they employ are faithfully car- | rying out the wishes of the dead woman whose name these poor old, lonely, helg- less step-children of fortune adore. | Mirtax MICHELSON. * nature tried to beautify and art and cns- tom have combined to spoil, and flowing feathers, ru<tiea up to the window. “Got one gooa 50 cent seat left?” she asked sweetly. Nir. Morgenstern still smiled, and an- swered “Yes.”" “Well, give me two please, and [ was mortally afraid she saw his face in the glass when he turned around. A number of people purchased seats and none of them had anything unusual in face or manner until a tall, lean individ- ual insinuated his melancho’y visage as the frame of the she said, “Yuig man,” he said, in tones which sent & chill or two whizzing about the little den. “Young man, I must trouble | you for three orchestra seats for this even- ine. “Certamly,” said the gentleman ad- dressed. *“One fifiy each, pleass,” and he prepare! to put them in an envelope. *One fifty what! My young friend, per- haps you do not know me.” “I certainly haven't that pleasure,” murmured Mr. Morgenstern in an aggra- vating'y business-like tone. f “Permit me,” he raid, and he drew forth from an upper waistcoat poc a card. Mr. Morgenstern perused it silently ana then passed it to me without a word. It was inscribed Harold W.ttingham, dram- aiist, “Know him?” ne asked. “I'm sorry to say, sir,”” he said politely, “that we've never Leard of you before.” And he bowed him away calmly. The next at the window was a middle- aged woman who had evidently been spending some hours in shnpping. She spread her bundles on the «flize snelf and began to search for her purse. “Did 1 give you my purse, Mamie?" she asked. *No, dear!”’ “Then I must have left it on {he coun- ter. No, here it is,"” she exclaimed with a sigh of relief. “Have you got any front seats?” “No, madam; they are all sold.” “Oh, isu’t that mean!" she exclaime ! r proachfuliy at the occupants of the cffive. *What seats have you?” “Nothing left but the third row in the balcony.’ “Whero is that?"” “That is the first circle above the par- quet.” *‘Is there an elevator?”’ “No, madam; a short flight of stairs.”” “How high is it from tue parquet?” “Abont twelve feet.'” Her friend, who was becoming impa- tient, has'ily explained that they had both sat in the baleony one night. aud to recill it to her mind mentioned that a man had had a fit. A look of horror slowly ovirspread her face. “Do people havs fits in the balcony ? she usked. The fe:tive Morzenstern rejoined: “No, madam; we putall peopls who have fits on the ground floor near the door.” *How much will two seats b2?" “Two dollars!” *1 guess I'll take them,” she said, be- ginnine to gather up the bundles. Then she took her purse and counted out one doitar and eizhty ceats in small change. “How much did you say?” she asked. “Two dollars,’’ he said patientiy. “On 1" she said sadly. “'I'll have to break that tive-dollar note. I wanted to keep ir.” She slowly gatnered up h=r bundles and her change and passed out to the accom- paniment of numerous sighs of raiief. “Twelve waiting,' said Mr, Morgenstern, and I'm sure he sighed. “It might be humorous, you know, if vou didn't get =0 t red of ail the 1thought- lesaness that psople show,” he went on after the twelve had been summarily dis- po-ed of. “But I usually get strength & endure when I see them.” “Don’t they take you by surprise?” *0 e gets used to itand can nearly al- wavs tell when a person means business {ornot. The queer 01es always show it, althou:h some very sensible people ask very stu' id questions when at a box-office | window.”" Just then a young lady stepped up briskly and wanted to know if he had any tickets for the matinee. She was in- formed that he bad. 'You have reduced prices for the matinee?” she adaed. “Yes, madam.”" “Please give me two in the parqnet?" When she got them she asked: “Are these in tpe center aisle?"’ “No, madam; all the seafs in the center aisle are sold.’ “Then give me two on the side aisle, piease.’” | l He handed her two t'ckets, pointing out on the diazram where they were. “Whny!"” she cried instantly, “they’rs right1n front of that post!” “Yes, madam. And being in front, of course, the post can't interfere with the view of the stage.” “Oh, to be sure! very best you have?”’ ‘“Yes, madam. The young lady gazed at the tickets ab- stractealy for a moment, then, opening her purse, asked how much they were, “Two dollars, madam.” *Two dollars! Why, I thought you said you had reduced p ices at matinees.” “The price for these seats for the even- ing performance is $1 50 each, madam.’’ “Why, I never heard of such a thing! TI'm sure 1 never paid that much in Pnila- delphia,” “Tnis is thej price madam.” “I'm sura you must be mistaken. I'va bought lots of ticksts for matinees, and I never paid as much as that. Don’t you think you're imistaken?” *T'm quite sure that I'm not, madam.” “Well, I think 1’s an imposition to charge so mnch,” she said. Then taking a ten-dollar bill from her purse and push- ing it over, she added: “Now, please don't give me any silver.” Wuen she had got her tickets ana change the ticket-seller turned once more. “Well, I was beginning to think,” he said, “that T wasn’t going to do any busi- ness with her to-day. Sometimes the suspense is awiul.” Oace more he was interrupted. The young lady had returned for something. and now she had a young lady friend with her. *0,” 'she *exc'aimed sweetiy, “'wonld yon mind taking these tickets back? I have jost met my friend turning the cor- ner, and I find that somebody has given her tickets for this afternoon. 8o, of course, I will go with her. I should be very much obliged,” “Hello, Louis,” remarked a dapper young fellow, apparently on easy rerms with himself, “is it true that Frank Me- Glynn, our ex-lawyer, is a member of the Under the Red Rote Company ?" When answered in the affirmative, he id: s‘"Whu sort ol a part does he play, has he many lines to speak ?"” “Mr. McGlynn plays the part of a dumb servant—haes no lines at all to speak.” “W at! Nothing to say?”’ “Nothing at all,” replied Mr. Morgen- stern. “Well that takes first premiom. It is the first instance 1 have ever heard of a lawyer who bas nothing to say!” And he laid down a handful of cash and remarked, laughingly, that he intended bringing all his friends 10 see the wonder. Mr. Morgenstern tol! me a few stories, too, which must go ove- his signatuare. Icouldn’t be responsible for them. A man whose general make-np sug- gested Dawson City in evary pariicular, and with a typical "4 <wagger once rolled up to the box-office. He wasa triflz the worse for liguor, and bis conversation fairly bristled with minicg terms. 1 H'm—are these the at this theater, | understand you have a regular Klondike | here,”’ said he with that contempt for | formalities characteristic of miaers. | Morgenstern assented. ‘‘That being the | case,” the man went on, “how did the | first night pan out?” Without waiting ) for an answer herattled along. *“‘Isthise sluice-ively a romantic play?” “Ye “Yukon give a fellow who is hard upa pass, can’t you?” “Yes,” quoth Morgen- stern with a ready affabilitv. “Don’t Juneau the Chilcoot Pass? Well, take that.” JEAN MoRRIs. WRECKAGE. BY HOWARD V. SUTHERLAND. 1t is rapidly becoming necessary for us to establish for our own protection a secret society of American assassins. This society will have for its chief duty the dispatching to some other sphere of all notorious persons kept before the gaze of the public by journals of the yellow class. Its incorporation will be sane- tioned by the Federal au horities—the State authorities not counting for an thing these days—and complete immunity will be guaranteed its membars for any removals they may see fit to make. Itis not intended that the organization shall interfere with the Government in any way or dispatch the numerons murderers who loxuriate in our penitentiaries. The recipients of hero worship alone wi'l be its legitimate prey. Tuoat delicate speci- men of young womannood, siss Evange- lina Cisneros, for insrance, would come under this heading. Likewise actresses who are divorced and remarried more than the customary four times; operatic singers and otner professionals who give more than fifteen farewells; poetesses of passion and beardless disciples of Stephen Crane; British lecturers, Luetgerts, Pro- iessor Andre: Mammy Pleasanis, Mrs. Cravens, etc. - ‘ 4 The socie'y will have branches in every city throughout the United States and anybody under the age of 90 will be ad- missible to membership. Pecple over that age are likely to become nine-day wonders themselves and are therefore subject to assassination. ‘‘Removals” will be effected upon demand of any one member aud no discussion will be per- mitted until after the aeed is done. In its general workings the society will be govarned by the rules and reguiations of the Mafia, This scheme is submitted to all thought- ful persons who have the welfare of their country at heart. Unless someihing is speedily done to diminish the number ot freaks made notorious thiough the daily papers we shall evolve into a nation of drooling and driveling idiots. Our sole salvation lies in the Scciety of American Assassins. For her own sake I am glad to see that Evangelina, or Vangy, as we shall soon come to cull ner, is a good girl and given to praying when the eyes of 1he Bowery are concentrated upon her. A prayer is always a prayer, whether it escape from a cathedral by the flue or from a hack by the open window, and it is customary to clothe the prayes with an innocence that may not always be appropriate but is ever of artistic value. I fear, however, that 8t. Peter will notdraw his quill through ner little Cuban schemings mere'y be- cause she played the part of a relizious 1genue in New York. Neither will in- telligent Anericans think the more of her for becoming a citizen at the request of some starveling spacewriter and babbling in bastard Spanisi about a country of which, before her plottings made things too warm for her in Cuba, she had prob- ably never heard. The whole incident has filled thouzhtful piople with a dis- gust that is beyond expression. The sooner we get over this habit of worship- ing these outcasts of the O!d World, and home-made frands in general, the sooner we shall have a right to respect ourseives as a nation. In spite of the fact that Xaver Schar- wenka wears his hair the regulation length, except where for ornamental pur- poses a bald spot is inserted, his pianistic gambolings were almost as wonderful as those of his shaggy Polish rival. This seems to prove conclusively that an air can be hammered out without hair, and the numerous inventors of tonics and washes must dispose of their wares else- where than in musical circles. My bar- ber, who comes from Bagdad, and who tells me his ancestors are mentioned in the “‘Arabian Nigh:s," once told ma con- fidentially that no real musician would think of going unmown for longer than ten weeks at a spell. He said that the soul of a trus artist would revolt at the thought of defranding a feilow artist ous of his rightful wage, anG that the poet who wore unreasonable whiskers bad as much love fur mankind as the man in the moon. Paderewsk: appears to have been won over (o the brotherhood of man idea as preached by my barber, but the Poet of the Skyeras is still holding aloof. When hunger drives him homeward, I shall put my Bagdadian hair-cutter on his track and have him converted to Christianity. I consider it my duty te call the atten- tton of tlie authorities to the fact that at the last meeting of the California Dairy Association a paper was read by a mem- ber on “The Mechanical Cleansing of Mils.”” The author is not yst under ar- rest. It may be claimed that our milk is thoroughly purified with fresh water by the milkmen handling it and that any further efforts in that direction must be futite. This may be so, but it is certainly improper to permit a person like the author of this paper to continue at large and undermine the very welfare of the community. Until ne learns that milk is one of the few things that is not im- proved by washing he shouid firmly but gently be separated from his fellow-men, i A dog’s bark may often be worse than its bite, but a mosquito’s vite is always worse than its buzz. A man was bitten the otberday by one of these musical in- sects, and the immediate result was that his wife exchauged his life insnrance poii- cies for the snug sum of $50, T e fact that she was a widow may have heiped the court to decide 1n ber favor, but the mos- quito had no little right to be stuck on itsels)