Evening Star Newspaper, October 11, 1936, Page 83

o M ut R T - | - N oW 2 T T . . o October 11, 1936 Good S/atte,© foct, Training in charm is every 1 child’s birthright. Don’t rob your child by neglect of early and constant lessons in good manners, courtesy and good taste by EmiLy PosT Author of “Etiquette: The Blve Book of Social Usage,” “The Personality of a House,” Etec. lllustrations by C. R. Chickering™ HEN we see a girl or a boy who is detested by other girls and boys, as well as all the grown people, the chances are we can put down every trait of unattrac- . tiveness to one Lhmg lack ot traming in charm, at home. . Or to put it bluntly — neglect. Neglect in this sense, however, has nothing whatever to do with the question of a child’s physical care because of lack of means; nor is it neg- lect of potential talents and accomplishments because of his parents’ inability to teach him better than they know. The neglect which I would like to empha- size is solely that of certain normally com- petent parents of this modern day, who are too self-centered or too thoughtless to pay attention to the sort of men and women their - children will turn out to be. Letters from summer resorts about detest- able children have been sent me every sum- mer, but I never made them the subject of an article before, because I thought the in- cidents described were too exaggerated to be typical. But this year countless readers have told me the selfsame story about the spoiled, untrained nuisance of a child who is, it would seem, encountered in almost every summer- resort hotel. As one reader put it: “If Mrs. Kairless were herself an uncouth vulgar woman, it would be easy enough to under- stand that her child would be a noisy, ob- streperous pest. But that a woman, who her- self is charmingly well-behaved, can be blandly unconscious of Cissy’s abominable behavior, is past understanding.” To this I really don’t know the answer. That is, I don’t know what it is that makes certain parents insensitive to the faults of their children; or how, for example, to ac- count for the phenomena of a mother who looks perfectly contented while Cissy calls out to the waiter and gives her order first, naming just about everything ‘on the bill of fare, and then imritably interrupting her mother’s order with: “Oh hurry up! No won- THIS WEEK der that you are too fat!” And when the food is brought, how can her eyes look directly at her daugh- ter's mouth as it opens to its widest capacity with every chew of each mouth- ful, and apparently see nothing? How again can she fail to hear that it is Cissy’s voice alone which rings out over all other sounds in a public dining room, making per- sonal remarks to every one she knows —and even to those she doesn’t! “You came last night, didn’t you? Have you got a husband? Where is he?” or “Have you got a wife? What’s your golf score? You're a pretty good diver! Where'd you learn?”’ How is it possible that no consciousness of mother’s brain? I don’t know the answer, further than the apparent fact that she belongs in a definite classification —the A type of mother, let us say, whose sensibilities are actually anaesthetized by her love for Cissy so that this child is.absolutely perfect in her eyes. She does not see food churning around in revolting, full sight, but sees instead an adorable face with a mouth that is not noticed. Rude remarks are merely evidence of Cissy's cleverness in mimicking. But whatever the cause, the result is that Cissy is paying more dearly than she perhaps knows for an unpopularity which is not her fault. It is surely not her fault that all her potential assets have been turned into lia- bilities. Her vitality, her extreme curiosity, now making her a nuisance, could have been turned into very real leadership. In fact, it is quite possible that something will reveal to her an accurate appraisal of herself, and with this revelation will come an equally clear perception of the long and heart- breaking training of which she stands in need: training in charm which should have been her birthright. : What is meant by training in charm at home? The answer is probably very trite. First of all, training begins almost as soon as a baby is born, and is continued inces- santly throughout his early childhood; and is reiterated sufficiently often in adolescence to keep him from falling below the level of reasonable excellence. . bitual behavior every mo- Cissy’s behavior reaches her . B s e The lessons change, of course, in method as well as in subject, but the duration of an ideal parent’s influ- ence is for always, The les- sons that parents (or others who have care of him) con- clude good mannersat table, proper courtesy, and the ele- ments of good taste. Second, and inseparable from the first, is the daily personal example set by the parents’ own behavior. Behavior “in company,” by the way, makes a much less serious impression upon a child than does their ha- ) i ment of time that they are within his sight or hearing at home. It is father’s cour- tesy — or rudeness — to mother and her approval or disparagement of him; it is their united devotion, their often proved loyalty to the principles they profess; or on the other hand their incompatibility, the unfairness of one to the other — possibly even wrangling or ill-concealed contempt, that give their children advantages above price, or take from them everything of beauty that the word Home connotes. In short, training in charm at home is a long, long process, which goes slowly ahead or very often stands still, but never falls back in any of the real points. This question of “real points” is perhaps the crux of the en- tire secret of the successful vs. unsuccessful training. The parent who fails is most often one who has no sense of proportion. He for- bids or makes a fuss about little things of no moment and has no words left for the big things involving principle and character, taste and point of view. The parents who succeed are those who establish an understanding relationship by which each respects the things that the other considers important. The mother takes a definite stand. Above all others, she exacts as fundamental principles: truth and the keeping of a promise. If Johnny commits a fault but does not fail in these, then these same principles are friends whom he can call in his defense. He in turn exacts the same adherence to truth and to a promise on his mother’s part. It might actually wreck the foundation of his character should she fail him in either. Behavior That Charms How far can.the candid younger generation go in ignoring the laws of good manners and propriety? In her leaflet, “Behavior That Charms,” Emily Post answers questions asked by troubled parents or their children. What of a girl who sulks because she can’t have the spending money she’s accustomed to? Another girl is twenty—may she stay alone for a few daysin a distant city? If a fourteen-year-old boy visits his young friends, must he take a present to the hostess? To get this leaflet send a three-cent stamp with a letter or this coupon to Tris WEEk Magazine in care of this newspaper. ................................. e Inculcating admirable traits in a child is no simple accomplishment! Let no one think so! To order Johnny to be truthful, to be fair, to be tolerant, to be industrious, to be courteous, to be kind, is a waste of breath — worse than that, it makes all these virtues a mockery — if the mother and father who servance by their child or if they themselves fail to illustrate them. Papefinlfaultfinfingu’ultudemonl — just as workmen ina factory become used to the noise of machinery—and pay no attention. ‘The mother who skillfully trains her chil- dren in charm does not encourage a conscious effort to be charming. The very last thing she could want them to do would be to think of themselves as though they were looking in a mirror. She teaches them to take proper pride in the thing done, rather than in them- selves for doing it. Mary'’s arrangements of flowers are lovely because of the added beauty to the flowers. The toy boat made by Johnny is followed with interest as to how fast it will sail. so that visitors will be impressed by the charm of well-behaved children, but because visitors would naturally feel slighted or un- comfortable or unhappy otherwise. Mary asks: “Would you like to sit here? Am I reading the paper you want, Father?” And without realizing that he is doing so, Johnny exclaims: “Let mecarry that for you, Mother!” Ideal training in charm at home is de- pendent not so much upon the definite rules of behavior that are taught, as upon the spontanewsrespmswenensmdmemhnmg spirit of kindness shown by members of the family to each other and, therefore, shown instinctively to guests or strangers; rather than tlle""m!lllwayrmmdoflem'mng ‘company manners” and then using left over scraps of these at home. Copyright, 1936, by Emily Post