Evening Star Newspaper, February 28, 1926, Page 89

‘AV J ¢ P Thrifty Athletes, THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, FEBRUARY 28 1926—PART 5. Neighborhood Prescriptions, Social Customs Man With the Card Trick Who Open House When the Host Has a Cold BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. § Eucalyptus, the famous old Greek ointment-artist u: tell his etiquette pupils, “It's an {1l handkerchief that blows nobody good.” And when he sald as per see above, 1 got no doubt but that he was think- ing of them limp, sleazy squares of chiffon and etc., such as is now car- ried by we ladies. And how true his remarks was, come home to me in the home not long ago when I and George, that's my husband, fought to a draw over my taking a cold and his hand- kerchiefs out of his bureau. But any woman, especlally if married, will know how far one of them stunted fe- male mouchotrs will go, when a person really needs to use 'em. They will go as far as the living- room 1able, or maybe the front hall, and then you haf to run back'for another, and 1 expect FEucalyptus' book of etiquette probably tells we ladies not to leave 'em around the house in little wet balls, but this rule has never been put in actual practice ®0 far's 1 know, not since female pockets went out of fashion, anyways. 80 naturally what is a person with 2 cold to do except use their husband's handkerchiefs? Whatever happens to old maids without fathers or brothers in the house under them circum- stances is more than I care to imagine. It Is one of them great so- clal tragedies which only time can solve. Well, anyways, I and George and words over me taking his, and he says to me, what you ought to do is take something for that cold, and I says I amb, I amb taking your handker- chiefs! And he says well, you ‘wouldn’t haf to if you would take something sensible instead. Take a little exercise and a pink pill. Take & little care of yourself for a change, no wonder you women are always sick, what with the way you sit around the house all day doing noth- ing. For the luvva tripe, take a littie healthy exercise! And then he beat it for the train, feeling he had done his whole duty to me, and I had ought to be a well woman by the time he come home. Well George was wrong when he says I never exercise. Right that min- ute I was exercising that self-control which with me, the same as with pretty near any wife, had grown abso- lutely muscular with years of married ltife. But once George was out of sight, out of mind, also, on account I had grester worries than handker- chiefs or words with him. The trouble was that when I got up to find out I was down with a cold that morning, I at the same time realized where it was only one day to Thursday, and it was my turn to have our Ladles Thursday Club at my house. Not only was I to make the sandwiches and cake, but I was also to make the speech of the after- noon, it being on the subject of “Now that we have the vote, what can we think up to worry the men?" .- UP to this time I admit I had had cold feet, but that would never of prevented me talking. I had listened to them ladles drool such a lot, it was only fair for me to get my innings, but Hot Bozo! No luck, here I was with my head feeling like it was stuff- ed with absorbent cotton, and my volce having all the sweetness of a dving frog's. Then just when I was about in despair and the midst of dust- ing the parlor, what would ring only the doorbell, and when I opened it just sufficient & crack for the lcy air to strike the sensitive spot in my throat there was Mabel Bush, the one that's married to that Joe Bush of the Haw- thorne Club. Come on in quick, dear, 1 says, I've got a awful cold. And in she come. You have? she says, why I can hear it, dear, you wheeze in a way reminds me of my poor mother. 1s that so? I says, did she dle of 1t? It wasn't her, personally, says Mabel, it was the old style organ in her parlor you made me think of. It used to breathe that way just before the music come. Well, I says, don't worry, I'm not @onner sing, I says, In fact I can't even scarcely talk and I've got to, tomorrow, at the club meeting. Well dear, don’t worry, says Mabel, I can Brings a Surprising Deluge of Advice “I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY ALL THE REMEDIES THAT THEM DEAR FRIENDS OF MINE SUGGESTED.” the seeds commence to sprout, you plant 'em in a pot of rich sofl, set it in the sun, set down beside it in the sun yourself, and I'll guarantee that by the time the mustard plasters are in full bloom your cold will be abso- lutely cured. Really? I says. Well, I'll try that, dear, so sweet of you to tell me. What do you think of Nolsy Mouth Wash to help along? Oh! says she, Noisy Mouth Wash is just fine! Keep your feet in it all the time you are taking the mustard-treatment, and it will help you a lot, but be sure and use it cold. Why, I always use it hot, I says. And Mabel says oh no, dear, I always use it with a little ice, espe- clally when out of grape-juice, and un- expected company comes, well, I must run along now, I do hope your cold will be better, good-bye, dear, now be sure and do exactly as T say. * oK ok % LL, naturally I says aloud good bye dear, I surely will, and thought silently, before I'd take that woman's advice, etc! But scarcely was she off the premises as well as oft her nut then who would drop in only Mrs. Goofnah, and the minute she heard I had a cold she left the kiss she was about to give me in mid-air halfway between the two of us, and sat down at a safe distance. Not, my dear, she says, that I am the least bit afraid of you, but I have the children to think of. Per- sonally I would like you just as well as I do now if it was the smallpox you had, but we have to remember the others in the family, don't we? And I says yes we don't, among real friends especially, I understand perfectly, dear. And she says I do hope you are taking care of that cold, Jennie. And I says my yes, it's flourishing. It's growing heavier by the minute. And she says did you ever try wrap- ping molasses around a sore throat? My dear, I wish you would! It will be most effective. It is the sweetest treatment. I've never tried it, myself, but I know my grandfather always used it, with a little sulphur, especially toward Spring, I do wish youwd try it, I'm dying to know how it comes our. And, says I, how It comas off, too, thank you so much dear, I certainly will put some molasses on if I'm not a lot better by tonight. I'll put it on the stove and make some candy if nothing else. And then Mrs. Goofnah, putting on her gloves, and holding her handkerchief over her mouth and nose shook hands good-bye with me, taking every precaution not to deprive me of a single germ. tell you the very thing to do for that cold. Just take a little mustard-seed, put it into hot water, and as soon as Well, believe you me, this was cer- tainly the morning I was keeping open house, for next thing I knew, in bounced Miss Demeanor, that bottle blond, the one that’s engaged to Dr. Salary. And the minute she seen I had a cold the open-house stuff com- menced for fair. My dear! she shrieked, what on earth are you doing with all them windows closed? Don’t you know it is the very worst thing in the world for a cold not to have any fresh alr and ventilation? And I says why my dear, I haven't a grain of ventilation in the house. I don't be- lleve in drugs of any kind, but you can take the air any time you like. And she says now Jennie, I can tell yoti the very thing to do for that cold, Just kindly remember I am engaged to Dr. Salary and I know what I am talking about. Of course I believe in operating at every opportunity, but I don’t suppose you would consent to having that cold amputated, although if the dear doctor were to do so it would undoubtedly cure your cold once and for all. But you simply must open all win- dows, paint your throat with extractus vanilla, gargle a little 16 to one solu- tion of potassium chloride or bi-chlor- tde of potassium cynide, I'm not just sure which, but anyways it doesn't much matter, efther of them will settle your case permanently. Then you must keep off your feet, take a com- plete rest, and go away for a change. Otherwise unless I'm greatly mistaken, you are going to have a serious case of fallen arches! By this time I couldn’t scarcely whisper, what with my cold and the fright her comforting words threw into me. And when Miss Demeanor had opened her heart and the windows for me in this generous manner, and sat with me a while in her comfortable big fur coat chatting gaily about a major, not to say Drigadier General operation her boy friend had performed the week before on a case which had started out just like mine, well anvways, when she had done this cheering act of kindness, she left. No sooner had she done so then I closed up all the windows again on ac- count I realized where in all probabil- ity she was acting for the best, but whose best wasn't quite certain. On the one hand she might be giving me real sound, sanitary advice, and then on the other hand, I knew for a fact where she and the doc couldn’t afford yet to get married, and it wasn't im- possible that she was merely drum- ming up a lttle extra business for him, as would only be natural under the circumstances. * kK % BUT when she left, so did my voice, the last shred of it, and I was protty low in my mind, too, on account it certainly looked like T wasn’t gonner be able to speak, Thursday, and 1 sure was afraid that if the meeting was to be called off I wouldn't never get the chance again to read my speech. Hot Bozo! I was so worried over this that I thought I would try all the remedies that them dear friends of mine had suggested. So I cleared the laundry for action. T got the mustard out, also a flower pot, filled the wash tubs with hot water, dragged the molasses jug from its garage, opened all the laundry windows, and was just in the bath room looking up the gargles Miss De- meanor had recommended, when two more dear friends arrived, and what they said done me more good then all the rest of the bunch put together. These last two ladies to arrive was Mrs. Freddy Freenash and a stranger, a_house-guest of hers as I found out after, and I didn't let them in. The cook, our temporary sweetie, opened the door for them, and while they was waiting in the parior for me, I couldn't help only overhear what they was say- ing. Well, says Mrs. Freenash, so the cook says she has a terrible cold, has she? My, there are a lot of colds go- ing around, I must tell her to use some Whosis Ofntment, it's a grand treatment, it cured my dog of the mange, or would have, i we hadn’t had to shoot the poor animal first. And the strange lady says, oh I don’t think much of that Whosis stuff, what I always use is a little pickled tripe, hot on the chest. And Mrs. Freenash says, internally? And the other lady says, oh either way, but personally I prefer it externally every time. Say, Mrs. Freenash, wasn’t this Mrs. Jul we are calling on the one that was gonner make the speech tomorrow? And that Freenash woman says yes, she was, but from all I hear thank heaven she won't be able to, why on earth Jennie will undertake to make a speech {s more then I can understand My dear, she simply can't speak at all, she's something terrible when she gets on a platform. Of course she is one of my very dearest friends, and I wouldn't say a word against her, and as a pub- lic speaker she certainly s a wonder- | ful wife and mother, but I am really glad, in a way, that she won't be able to talk tomorrow. I'd kind of hate for you to get the wrong impression of our little club. Well, when I heard that I don't know what happened to me, exactly, but all of a sudden my voice back. T walked right into the p and spoke in a loud voice. My c was practically gone, and my throat was able as the Liberty belli—slightly cracked, but able to be heard when struck. As the saying goes, one wom- an's poison is often another woman's meat! (Copsright. 1926.) Getting Dough in the Athletic Game And Other Jobs Offered to Athletes BY SAM HELLMAN. SEE where Dempsey has gone into the real estate business in Florida,” I remarks to “High Dome" Finnegan. “Ain’t he gonna fight no more? “Why should he fight when he can get thousands a week out of the movies?” L “He's got to fight some time, doesn’t he?” I inquires No,” answers “High Dome.” “The probabilities are that he'll retire as undefeated champion of the world. Look at Benny Leonard. He's still & card in vaudeville. Even Jack Mec- Aulifte, who retired about a million years ago, ls still getting his cakes and ale in the three a day. Folke'll pay to look at a champ, but they wouldn't walk across the street to see a loser.” ““The big money’s just killing sport,” 1 remarks. “You've mouthed a saldful,” agrees Finnegan. “The gate's the thing these days. Fighting ain’t the only pastime that's being ruined by the important mazuma.'" “Well," says I, “amateur sport’s still attracting the lads that are in the game for the game’s sake." “Even that's going blooey. “High Dome.” “How do you mean?” I asks. “Take Grange, for instance,” replies Finnegan. ‘‘Understand, there ain't nothing wrong about him going into professional feet ball after getting done with college, but did you ever stop and think what the effect’s going to be on the college game?" “No,” I tells him, “I haven't given it much thought.” ““You can't glve much from nothing,"” fatters “High Dome,” “but here's what's going to happen next season. E-very foot ball player in the country is oing to try to develop himself into an ndividual star so as to attract a big rofessional offer. The coaches are go- ng to have the toughest time in the world developing teamwork. You gotta remember, bo, that the profes slonals are not hiring teams; they're hiring individuals, and everybody’s go- ing to try to become an’ individual headliner.” “I don't believe it,” says I. ‘“‘Amer- fcan youngsters aren't such money bbers as you make it appear.” ““Listen, feller,” returns Finnegan. *In the old days the colleges just tried to slip the lads some general cultures; today they're pointing the students toward money-making They've got ail kinds of courses, agd —" n"w‘ls!or 1t,” I cuts in. “There ain't anything wrong about teaching a kid Jlogeta tosheld on the woit, is there?” € growls “Not a thing,” agrees “High Dome,” “but keeping the boys' minds on busi- ness is bound to have its effect on sport. Suppose you were a good foot ball player in college and there was a chance of making enough dough in two seasons with the professionals to re- tire for life, or, at any rate, snag enough jack to go into business for vourself, would you try to keep your own name in the limelight or would you sacrifice yourself for the team and dear old alma mater?"” “There’s someting to that,” I agrees, “but it'll only affect a few real stars in the game.” “’Forget it,” snaps Finnegan. “Every kid in a foot ball suit thinks he's a Grange. However, it ain't only foot ball that’s falling for the big dough. Look at the fellers that get jobs as actors. That, to me, is the cheapest stunt in American sport—parading yourself as a sort of freak at 5o much per head.” “That's not the athletes’ says I. “Not at all,” comes back Finnegan. “It's the public—the same kind of pub- lic that puts up its dough to see a three-legged cow or performing fleas, fault,” but just the same an athlete ought to have pride enough to refuse to get into the class with three-legged cows and performing fleas.” “How you going to stop it?" I asks. “The only way,” replles “High Dome,” “is to educate the public to boo a few athletes off the stage. Anyhow, the stage stunt is unfalr to actors who have spent their whole lives training for the theater and the writing stunt is unfair to newspaper men who have spent years and years training for their jobs. If that point was driven into the head of the public it wouldn't take long to give guys with strong backs and weak minds the hook.” “I thought you said,” I remarks, “that anybody was entitled to all the dough he can get.” “They are,” comes back Finnegan, “but they ain’t entitled to step into somebody else's game and take the ham and eggs out of his mouth. If a big athlete wants to appear before the public, let him hire a hall and an- nounce that he will show himself off at so much a peek. That's all right. But when he goes on the stage and not only makes a show of himself but TATS IT MR DEMPSEY! - NOW PULL YoUR MITTS OUTTA YouRs PockeTs! knocks a real actor off the bill, he's Just a cheap squirt.” “Personally,” says I, “I think they ought to cut down on the amount of Jack they pay athletes.” “That wouldn’t be a bad idea,” re- turns “High Dome,” “and it wouldn't hurt sport any. There were much bet- ter fighters in the country when they fought 50 rounds for a $500 purse and there were much better foot ball players before the professionals started paying for stars. If base ball players weren’t pald so much they wouldn't stay in the game so many years, and we wouldn't have to watch a lot of spavs crutching their way around the diamonds. We'd have new blood all the time and we'd have faster and snappier base ball “When,” I asks, “do you expect to see things changed?” “I wouldn't be surprised,” comes back Finnegan, “if it should happen any February 31st.” (Copyright. 1026.) i Smallest Fish. ‘HE record for minuteness in its class 18 held by a tiny fish shown it the meeting of the American Society of Zoologists at New Haven by Dr. E. W. Gudger of the American Mu- seum of Natural History, says Science Magazine. The midget is exactly thirty millimeters, or less than one and one- quarter inches, in length, and belongs to the semi-parastic genus Remora. The fish in this group are parasitic only to the extent that they “hop a ride” on larger fishes, attaching them- selves by a sort of vacuum disk that grows on the tops of their heads. This saves them the labor of swimming for themselves, and they pick up a living by swallowing bits of food scattered by their unwilling carriers at meal times. The next smallest specimen, which Dr. Gudger also showed, is a trifle over one and three- quarters inches in length. Non-Scratch Auto Bodies. HE discovery of a method for alloy- ing aluminum with other metals, which will produce materials for au- tomobile bodies that do not show scratches and have both color and finish “bullt iin,” is claimed by B. Jirotka, a German electrical engineer. He has demonstrated his discovery to a commission of metallurgists. He is said to have made alloys of aluminum and more than a dozen other metals, producing materials of {many different colors, the color var !ing with the metal used for the al- ‘loy. These alloys have a surface re- sembling glazed porcelain. lof same. ¥ Among BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. HE closing of the Winter sea- son is renewing, for final honors, the outbreak of the indoor pests that haunt the drawing-room. Among the worst of these is the man who wants to show the card trick. Summer pests are easily dealt with. All they need is to be sprinkled with something. Any agricultural depart- ment will send information ahout dealing with the pests with hellebore or Paris green or tobacco juice. But 8o far as I know, the man with the card trick can't be sprinkled with any- thing that will stop him. THE MOMENT IS RIPE. He generally breaks out with activ- ity in the course of a game of bridge. There comes a moment after several games have been played when the players drop their cards on the table with a certain weariness. The hostess is hoping to Heaven that they will now go home; the Eager Player who Is 20 cents behind is determined that he will not; the Fat Lady is half asleep and knows it. And the moment is ripe for the Fiend with the Card Trick who has been watching his chance all evening to pick up a bundle of cards and say: “Did you ever see any card tricks?” A DEADLY EXPEDIENT. Now would really be the time to stop him, once and for all, by throw- ing Paris green or hellebore over him. Or one might even cork him up for good by saying enthusiasti- cally: “Oh, yes, indeed, 1 saw Houdini do the most wonderful trick the othes night. He ate two packs of cards— chewed them all up—and then brought them out from his ear quite undam- aged. Won't you please do it? Here are two packs. Do start and eat them?” After which any little paltry effect that the Pest is prepared to pull off, will hardly seem worth while. AN EFFECTIVE ALTERNATIVE. But if this lucky moment is missed, then I would like to suggest a method the Chief Drawing “NOW WOULD REALLY BE THE TIME TO STOP HIM BY THROW- ING PARIS ;REEN OR HELLEBORE OVER HIM.” of procedure by which the man may be_cured. When he s: any card_trick be, “No, I hav are they done?’ After which the following dialogue will_ensue: “All right. Here's one. Pick a card.” “What do I need a card for?” “Well, just pick one, any one you like . any one you like, and T'll tell which one you pick.” “You'll tell who?" “No, no; I mean, I'll know which it is, don't you see? Go on now, pick a card.” “Did the, never s, you ever see nswer should seen any. How rather a good “Any one T like?” “Any color at all?” “Yes, yes.” “Any suit? “Oh, ves; do go on.” “Well, let me see, I'll—pick—the— ace of spades “Great Cae I mean pull a card out of the pacl CRAMPING HIS STYLE. “Oh, to pull it out of the Now T understand. Hand me pack. All right—I've got it.” “Have you picked one?” “Yes, it's the three of hearts. u know it?" “Hang it! pack! the Did Don't tell me like that 9 Ranks Room Pests You spoil the thing. Pick @ card.” “All right, I've got it."” “Put it back in the pack. Thanks. (Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle—lip)}—There, is that it?” (triumphant “I don’'t know. I lost sight of it. “Lost ht of it! Confound it, you have to look at it and see what it 1s.” “Oh, you want me to look at the front of it!" ONCE MORE TO SLAUGHTER. Whi Now, then, pick ard Al ahead.” Here, try again. . of course! picked shufile, it. Go shuffle— right I've (Shuffle, confound you, did you put ard back in the pack?” , no. I kept it."” Moses! Listen. Pick—a— card—just one—look it—see what it is—then put it back—do you under- stand?” ‘'Oh, how you You mu Only I don't going to do clever.” perfectly are ever be awfully (Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle—flip.) “There you are; that's your card, now, isn't it?” (This Is the supreme moment.) A VERY WHITE LIE, “NO. THAT IS NOT MY ( (This is a flat lie, but Heaven pardon you for it.) Not that card!ll Say—just hold} on a second. Here, now, watch what vou're at this time. I can do this cursed thing, mind you, every time. I've done it on father, on mother, and ever come round rd. (Shufile, shut- There, that's your see it. ARD."” will bang.) I AM NOT MY CARD it again? PN do, are a little excited—I'm rather stupid Won't you go and sit quietly by yourself on the back ver- andah for half an hour and then try? Oh, I'm so sorry. It must be such an awfully clever little trick. What! You have to go home? You won't stay for any more bridge? Good night!” SORRY. THAT 1S vou try aps you aid T 15 (Copyright, 1926.) Dinner Parties at Clubs Made Po i)ular By Menus at These American Plan Hotels BY RING LARDNER. O THE editor: For the benefit of parties that ain't been to Flo 2 but has got intentions of going to Florida I will try and exclaim some of the so- clal customs and usages in vogue in that wonder state. In the Ist. place all the hotels is run on the so called American plan which means that if and when you pay your bill, your 3 meals per day is included in’ sume Therefore it .. all ethics to eat more than 1 or als per day at the hotel's expense. The big meal must be eat outside of the hotel so as it will cost extra and not impose on the chef. This practice gives rise to what is called dinner parties which is generally always held at a athletic ¢lub where the athletics consists of a ball game in which the ball is rolled around on a wheel and finally drops into a_num- ber on which your wife is betting 50 cents instead of a number on which vou are betting $5.00 and no hundreds dollars, The host or hostess at one of these dinner parties leaves the menu in the hands of the club’s mgr. and the menu he picked out at the first party of the eason seemed to go so good that the rest of the menus is all a carbon copy st the is o i cocktail and hen soup and nd then comes the bird which they call it a quail down there, but known up north sparrow. A good many of the gue: re for sparrow but on the other hand may be ver fond of griddle cakes, to satisf both factions the bird is smothered with maple syrup. As soon as one of the hot dishes is set in front of you, that is the signal for the dance ofchestra to start up so that by the time you have done your dance the food ain't hot no more but you are. The chief duty of the host or hostess is to arrange the seating. The iGear is to never seat mobody next to some- body they ever met. This makes it compulsol to invite a good many ngers which makes it possible to spend most of the dinner finding out your partner's name. You can't find it out from the place cards because the hostess didn't know it herself and wrote down just a kind of a serawi that might be either Abrams or Cas- idy or both. Following is a report W dinner conversation between the undersigned and a lady who was a Mrs. Carpenter from Memphis, or maybe her name was Mrs. Morton and s from Duluth. sn’t this a grand part Fitzgerald, or perhaps she w Cole. fo fish is id Mrs. s Mrs. “IT FINALLY DROPS INTO A NUMBER ON WHICH YOUR WIFE IS BETTING A NUMBER ON WHICH YOU ARE BETTING $5 AND NO HUNDRED 50 CENTS INSTEAD OF DOLLARS.” “Wonderful!” “I wonder if parrots himselr.’ “Mr. Who? Mr. Berry name?" “T thought hix name was Probasc Vell, it's either that or Wells ¢ some such a name."” “Who is that next to Mrs. Which is Mrs. Ford? “Sitting next to that man I'm ing you who is it?” “Oh, I thought Mr. Berry shot thes Isn't that the host's Ford?" ask- that was Mrs. faybe it i these canarie “Whe : “That man sitting next to the girl between he and Mr. Ade.” “Which is Mr. Ade?" and maybe he shot | “Next to Mrs. Bedford.” “What does he do” r. Ade” He sings.” X wan that shot these n know who he is y first_trip b Winter we were in Miami." The undersigned suppressed the ob- vious “What of it?" and said “It’s certainly wonderful how Miami has grown “They sa, in taxis— The dinner finally gets over with, around 1 or 2 o'clock, and the gues rushes for the roulette tables. Mrs Carpenter or whatever her name wu Last that people are sleeping nd then going to one where I She picks out one where she n't k -| full of Iullaby ing to see which table I am going to | somebody set by at dinner., “I don't know horrible dumbbell When the dinner i home 1d of club you bridge afterwards and the sch to 2 people who can p! the same table with 2 to whom the game is a complete surprise and they ask her whe she sa it a I may of that the dinners is j mented cocktail par as a subtle com giving the dinner, to mention led by various de ies and generally, to whoever 18 some of the prospec tive guests not c gets pretty well boiled in advance but brin flusk Scotch on their hip. he galls that sets next to these provi »ws | don't half to dent gents is considered lucky as you talk to a sleeper, The Quickest Way to Produce Sawdust And Other Problems Are Easily Solved BY ED WYN EAR Mr. Wynn: T am placed in a very pecullar position I am a girl of 20 years of age and have just met a young man of 23 years of age. He has lived all his life with his widowed father, on a horse ranch. I am the only girl he ever saw in his life. He wants to marry me. Here's my prob- lem. Can I be happy with a man who knows nothing else but horses? Truly yours, HOPE E. TERNAL. Answer: You should be very happy with him except for one thing. You say all he understands is horses. In that case it you should have an acci- dent and break your leg he will prob- ably shoot you. Dear Mr. Wynn: A friend of mine said that many peor families would starve If It wasn’t for liquor. What does he mean by that? Sincerely. RITE FORMER. Answer: He means that lots of families would starve to death If it wasn't for the fact that by selling thelr empty beer and whisky botties they get enough money to buy food with. Dear Mr. Wynn: On our twenty- fitth wedding anniversary my wife and I had a big party. called on my wife for a speech. She said 1 was a model husband. Don't you think that is wonderful after 25 years? Sincerely, LOUIE VILL. Answer: All depends how vou look at it. According to Webster's dic- tionary the word ‘‘model” means “a small Imitation of the real thing.” Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a boy of 18 The guests | vears of age, and intend being a chef. | 1 love to cook. Can you tell me the best way to preserve peaches. Truly yours, F. M. ENIT. Answer: The best way for vou to preserve peaches is not to introduce them to any other fellows, Mr. Wynn: What is ¢ to make saw-dust? Yours tru M. T. NOODLE, your head, my boy, Dear the r Mr. Wynn: T met a young p from Atlantic City. He told me that in his home there Is something runs all over the floor of his basement yet it hasn’t any legs. As vou know everything, what can that be? Sincerely, C. SAULT. Water. Answer: Dear My Wynn m writing a play but can't seem to get a finish for it. T have it all completed up to the ast curtain. The last scene show. the heroine starving to death. What do you sut:n?\ for a finish? N4 TM Answer: Have the heroine kneel on the stage, lift up her hands and beg for bread, then have the curtain come down with a roll. Dear Mr. Wynn: On my recent trip through the West the train_stopped at a little town in Arizona. The con- ductor of our train pointed to a rough looking man on the station platform and told me .that the man he was pointing at had killed 20 men. you think cowboys are really as bad as that? Yours truly, 0. PINSPACES. Answart e, T don't. Tn fact, the rd | marriage 1 | night fellow you saw in Arizona was not a cowboy, but a taxi driver from the ast who was in Arizona on his vaca- tion, Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 in the newspapers, which something or other happening in the great peace town, but they never men tion the name of the town. I must confess my ignorance and ask you to please tell me the name of the Great Peace Town. notice articles. sincerel U. R. BRIGHT. Answer: Greatest Peace Town 1 know of i Dear Mr. Wynn: I bought a hoi vesterday sale, and drove him home. He k stopping every minutes, ay I took him out again nd he did the same thing. What do you think is wrong with him? Sincerely, KI pt TUCKKIE. Answer: He is probably d fraid he wont hear vou s he just stops to listen D Mr. V vears of age and whoa n: nd the only offer ¢ ave ever had was | I met a fellow at a party i he was drunk. He proposed marris to me. He seems alright, but I told him to sober up and then ask me to marry him. Did I do right? Sincerely, B0 Answer: Yes and no. want you when he Dear Mr. W talk about “society’ last 25 years. If this is true, can you describe the change? HOMELY. He may not sober. n: There is =0 m Yours_truly, 1. M. A. CLIMBER Answer; few | 1 am a woman 43, changing in the | have at most four kettle dr | chestra | modern musie scores | you married into * divorce into ft. Wynn: [ dial for a_Christmas p | right in the daylight | teli the time by it " Today you r Mr eived a sun It's all how ean I “'I. DONTNO. Answer: 1 on it Dear Mr. Wynr way to make a ve cut out the Inside of it hollow? (he Yours. truly, true the best ctable speak 18 to + melon and make er). KUMBER Answer "ECT FOOL E1 Wynu of the Tt you Wisest men he orid 'r-.m« 1026 Vo, this ht Kettle-Drum Piano. Kettle spite his amazing dexterity. layer in an or m lity is demanded of him fn Prof. Schneller, noted kett player the Vienna Philharmonic Orchesra, is com um nee to play all that a drum of |ing to the rescue with a kettle-drum drums ience will fght pitch piano that of varyi Monthly Even the operate <avs Popu orchestra ke ms. With ano keyboard arrangement the' work of the drummer. it is claimed, most 1 n would be lessened greatly. But would not the admiration of the audience alsg Twenty-five years ago disapyeas?