Evening Star Newspaper, February 7, 1926, Page 77

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTO! , D. O, FEBRUARY 7, 1926—PART Blue Law Results, Elusive Social Qualities and Family Problems Wouldn’t Say a Word Against Her, Only She Has a Hard Time as a Family Guest BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. 1 hear where the Prince of Wales is often quoted as saying, “A horse! A horse! My Kingdom to stay on a horse!” * When all the time the ces are the poor boy ain't got the least idea of how the falls he gets from them four legged animals ain't in it with the ones which will be coming to him when he marries and has poor relations come to visit. The great truth of this come over me a few weeks ago, when a_letter come fram Cousin Fannie. Before I even c-ened It I give a pretty good guess tlat she was writing to_say where sL- was gonner leave Uncle Will's by mutual request, and if she wouldn't be in the way she would like to come down and pay a little visit to I and George, that's my hus- band. Now I am real fond of Cousin Fannie, I got to be, on account by & mutually understood perfect ladies and gents agreemert in our fami it fs cheaper to have her visit back and fourth und fifth and around then for the lot of us to chip in any regu- lar sum, per annum, if you get what T mean. Of course T personally my- self believe Uncle Will had ought to make her a regular allowance, what with all his money. Not that I have ever directly said as much to him, on account of course the money is his, not mine, und what he does with it is his own business. Still and all I know he could afford it, heavens knows he spends encugh on’ other-things. I have always fully realized where 1 could easy show Uncle Will how to spend his jack a whola lot more intelligently then he now does, es- peclally on Cousin Fannle, but he don't seem to appreciate this, and he has never ast me what to do. In fact 1 even heard, through Aunt Eata, who had it direct from Second Cousin Gussie, that Uncle Will had once said he loved Cousin Fannie and all that, but he couldn't see for the life of him why I and George didn't take her to live with us permanent, we had a spare room, George was making a good salary, and what a relief it would be to the rest of the family. And then naturally T says well, why don't you take her permanen Eata, she's such a dear thing? And Aunt Eata says well, that's just it, she's too dear for me, on my income, not but I'm glad to do anything I can, but if anybody was to have her, really 1t ought to be Gussie, why lookit the size of Gussie’s house. Gussie could easy have both girls sleep together, and put Cousin Fannie in the chicken ©oop. Of course it's a little draughty in windy weather, but I'm sure Gus- sie's hens wouldn't mind a bit, Fannie is such a sweet thing, they would feel perfectly well at home with her! And I says why Aunt Eata, you ain't calling Cousin Fannie a old hen, are you? And she says of course not, 1 wouldn't say a thing against her, only of course vou know her temper does get the better of her some of the time. There is no sense in beating any bushes about that. And she does smell kinda strong of peppermint, but she’s one of the family and I wouldn't say a word against her for worlds. *ox % % ELL, nobody wasn't offering any woulds to Aunt Eata, so far as 1 knew, and taking it buy and lodge, the cheapest thing for all concerned, was to have her visit. And anyways, Cousin Fannie is such a dear. And, #s Aunt Eata pointed out, after all, she was one of the family. It would never do to have her In a institution, never do for the institution, anyways. She is my second-hand cousin on my father's side. Her mother mar- ried Uncle Will's niece by marriage through his aunt's cousin’s nephew- inlaw, and of course that makes her very close—so close she wouldn't pay & nickel to see the Queen of England do the Charleston. But she certainly is a dear, I wouldn't say a word against her, and no matter how mean the rest of the family are to her, I 2lways am generous and kind where she is concerned. Why one year, when George thought my Winter coat was too good for me to buy a new one, why I give her the coat right off my back, and of course then he hadder come across. 1 always pass on anything I can’t use no more, to her, and in_return when she is staying with us I never expect her to do a thing only look after Junior, get the early breakfast, shake the furnace, sweep the porch, serub the floors, do the cooking, wash the windows, mend the clothes. sit up nights when T am to the movles, press George's pants, darn the socks, and help with the heavy cleaning. On account of course I want her to feel at home, and like a real member of the family, not as a mere visitor. Poor dear Cousin Fannie is a real good cook, and so when she's stay- ng with us I quit buying bread and ple and leave her make a coupla batches a week. It sure gives her a lot of pleasure to do it, I realize that. And she's swell at dry-cleaning, to0, 80 I generally save my stuff until it's time for her to come and stay, be- cause believe vou me, I don't want her to feel she has nothing to do. She wouldn’t care to be sitting around idle. Hot Bozo, she's not that kind, and besides she ain't over 60, and you know how a woman feels if she gets left out of things. She is certainly a perfect darling, and I wouldn't say a word about her, only it does seem kinda funny how a woman her age ain't learned more about a house then she has. Not that [ mean in to criticize her, but the way she sets a table, great suffering fish-cakes! She don’t never get all the things on, well, I guess she wasn't trained proper, and she means well, but when she puts the tumblers on top down, well, I could scream, that's all, but naturally I don’t. All I do is go in before meals and turn 'em right side up. Then she will ¢o in, after me, and turn 'em buck again. Believe you me, many a family murder has been committed for less. * % % ¥ TTHEN there is the bathroom, Cousin Fannie certainly is sweet, but she will put the bath mat on the radiator and leave it there to cook, when she knows perfectly well I always keep it on the edge of the tub. But day atter day she will toast that mat until I ain't got one left that hasn’t got a zebra pattern on it. Then, quite to the other hand, she knows perfectly that George likes his bread toasted, mornings, but I will come down again and again, and with CHICKEN COOP.™ the toaster in plain sight the bread will be on the table, even plainer. I wouldn’t say Cousin Fannie is dumb, no, I am not the kind to knock my relations, especlally when they are a perfect dear. But some day when she ain't looking and there is a black- jack handy, I maybe won't be able to control myself. Then her disposition is really won- derful, I gotter grant that. In fact, it 18 one of the most wonderful I ever come across and when she is staying with us, I cross and re-cross it, pretty constant. What that woman says about the rest of our family, well, it would make them turn in their graves if they was there. I mean either buried, or present. And after all they have done for her, too! Of course I personally myself don't be- lieve {n gossip, I don’t care what my family does so long as it doesn't inter- fere with me any. Naturally I wouldn’t encourage Cousin Fannie to say nothing, only once in a while some innocent remark such as, “Say, Cousin Fannle, it ain't true Uncle Will drinks, is it, I don't belleve it myself, but did you hear where Aunt Eata was going around a awful lot with the new minister, not that I suppose there is a word of truth in it, but then one never knows."" Or, “How about Cousin Gussie, T heard her husband was losing his money gambling. Such a pity, be- cause Gussie would be quite a good looking woman if only she would wash her face onct in a while. Too bad she don’t dress better. Aln't that Winter enscramble of hers a sight? I hear they feed their help so stingy they can’'t get nobody to work for them only girls that are trying to re- duce. It ain’t true they never pay their bills unless somebody threatens to sue them, {s it?” You know, just homey, friendly little Inquiries like that, is all I ever make, nothing more! And the things Cousin Fannje will reply! Talk about snakebite, I mean a person certainly needs a prescription when Cousin Fannie gets going. Not that T mean to infer she is a gossip, she is a perfect dear and I wouldn't say a word against her, only I certain- 1y wouldn’t trust that woman with nothing I didn’t want repeated, neither! So of course I don’t give her a thing to pass on when she passes on to the next of kin she is to visit. It's too bad, honest, though, that she don't know how to do her hair “GUSSIE COULD EASY HAVE BOTH GIRLS SLEEP TOGETHER, AND PUT COUSIN FANNIE IN THE no better. Hot Bozo! It looks about like a rat’s nest, and when she washes it 1s a secret. It's pretty hard to speak to a person about a thing of that kind, it's so personal, and so I never mention it to her, only to other people. Not that I exactly criticise her, I couldn't do that. She’s so nice, only of course It really looks so terrible, not that it would show so much if only she knew how to wear a hat. Heavens knows her hats themselves i8 in perfect taste, 1 ought to be a judge since I give her practically all of them, but the way she puts them on! Well, honest, I wouldn't say a thing, but it is positively comical. And It's the same with everything she wears. Naturally I don't drag her around too much when she is with us. And if T was to give her the best bed- room, why I know she would be un- comfortable In it, so I generally put her in the room that would of been the maid's if we had any maid, where she can be nice and cozy, right over the kitchen. Of course it ain't exactly heated in the Winter, but in the Sum- mer it certainly is cozy all right, and anyways she hadn't ought to be too particular, what with all I and George do for her, having her right in with the family for weeks at a time, prac- tically dressing her, and exepecting so littie in return and etc. Well anyways, as I was telling at the commencement, I got this letter from Cousin Fannie, and before I opened it I had a pretty good idea of what was inside. And so I says George, Oh dear, 1 says, here she comes again. What a bother! Well 1 suppose it can’t be helped, we will have to endure it. This is one duty 1 guess we can't get out of. Well 1 suppose so, says George, open up the letter and find out when the sacrifice begins. And so I opened up the letter and of all things Cousin Fannie wasn’t coming to us at all. A old school friend had turned up, bought her a lot of new clothes, given her a thousand dollars cash for a present, and was taking her on her yacht to Florida for the Winter. Well, says George with a snort when he heard it, that's gratitude for And after all we'vegdone for too! Now hush! I says, maybe shell get us asked along as welll You know I've always sald she was a dear! (Copyright, 1926.) Chinese Contribute Valuable Point To Study of Artistic Conversation BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. OW is the time of year when the Winter evening reception is in full swing and people must stand upright and ag- onize, balancing a dish of fce cream in one hand and a cup of ooffee in the other. There is no question that on these occasions the power of conversation is at a premium. One must talk or die. Something may be done to stave off talking by vigorous eating and by the pretense of a devouring hunger. But the amount of food is limited. There comes a point when it is ab- solutely necessary to say something. The instructions that follow are ntended as a sort of first aid in con- versation. The great thing after all i8 to know how to begin, to get started. After that, conversation flows along of itself. I would there- fore like to indicate a few of the more familiar ways of beginning a social eonversation. CHINESE SYSTEM. In China, conversation between strangers after introduction is always opened by the question, “And how old are you?” This strikes me as singularly apt and sensible. Here 18 the one thing that is common ground between any two people, high or low, rich or poor—how far are you on your pligrimage in life? PENITENTIARY METHOD. Compare with the Chinese method the grim but very significant formula that Is employed (I believe It is a literal fact) in the exercise yards of the American penitentiaries. “What have you brought?” asks the San Quentin or Sing-Sing convict of the new arrival, meaning, “And how long is your sentence?” Thera is the same human touch about this, the same common ground of interest, as in tw Thiicwe formula. POLITE But in our polite society we have as yet found no better method than be- ginning with a sort of medical diag: nosis, “How do you do?” This admits of no answer. Convention forbids us to reply in detail that we are feeling if anything slightly lower than last ‘week, but that though our tempera- ture has risen from ninety-one-fifty to vinety-one-seventy-five, our respiration s still normal. Btill worse is the weather as an opening topic. For it either begins and ends as abruptly as the medical diag- nosis, or it leads the two talkers on into a long and miserable discussion of the weather of vesterday, of the day before yesterday, of last month, of last year and the last 50 years. Let one beware, however, of a con- versation that begins too easily. MUTUAL FRIENDS' WAY. . This can be seen at any eveaing reception, as when the hostess intro- duces two people who are supposed to have some special link to unite them at once with an instantaneous snap, as when, for instance, they both come from the same town. “Let me introduce Mr. Sedley, said the hostess. “I think you and Mr. Sedley are from the same town, Miss Smiles. Miss Smiles, Mr. Sed- ley.” Off they go at a gallop. “I'm so delighted to meet you,” says Mr. Sedley. “It's good to hear from any- body who comes from our little town.” (If he's a rollicking humor- ist, Mr. Sedley calls it his little old “burg.”) “Oh, ves,” answers Miss Smiles. “I'm from Winnipeg, toco. I was so anxious to meet you to ask if you knew the McGowans. They're my greatest friends at home. “The—who?” asks Mr. Sedley. “The McGowans—on Selkirk ave- nue. “No-o, I don't think I do. I know the Prices on Selkirk avenue. Of course you know them.” “The Prices? No, I don't believe I do—TI don’t think I ever heard of the Prices. You don’t mean the Pear- sons? I know them very well"” “No, I don't know the Pearsons. The Prices live just near the reser- volr. “No, then I''m sure I don't know them. The Pearsons live close to the | college.” “Close to the college? Is it near i 1 1 the Willlam Kennedys?” “I don’t think I know the William Kennedys.” This is the way the conversation goes on for ten minutes. Both Mr. Sedley and Miss Smiles are getting desperate. Thelr faces are fixed. Their sentences are reduced to— “Do you know the Petersons?” “No. Do you know the Applebys?™ “No. Do you know the Willle .Yohnlo:ll?" 0. Then at last comes a rift in the clouds. One of them happens to mention Beverley Dixon. The other is able to cry exultingly— “Beverley Dixon? Oh, yes, rather! At least, I don’t know him, but I used often to hear the Applebys speak of him.” And the other exclaims with equal delight— ~I don’t know him very well either, but 1 used to hear the Willie John- sons talk about him all the time.” They are saved. Half an hour afterward, they are still standing there talking of Bever- ley Dixon. Personally I have suffered so much from inability to begin a conversa- tion that, not so long ago, I took the extreme step of buying a book on the subject. I regret to say that I sot but very little light or help from it. It was written- by the Comtesse de Z——. According to the preface, THE CHINESE SYSTEM OF ASKING, “HOW OLD ARE YOUI" ___ STRIEES ME AS SINGULARLY AFT AND SENSIBLE, i l the comtesse had “moved in the highest circles of all the European capitals.” If so, let her go on mov. ing there. I, for one, after trying her book, shall never stop her. ‘This is how the comtesse solves the problem of opening a conversa- tion: n commencing a conversation the greatest care should be devoted to the selection of a topic, good taste de- manding that one should sedulously avoid any subject of which one's vis- is may be in ignorance. Nor are the mere words alone to be consid- ered. In the art of conversation much depends upon manner. ““The true conversationalist must in opening invest himself with an at- mosphere of interest and solicitude. He must, as we say in French, be pre- pared to payer les frals de la con- versation. In short, he must ‘give himself an air.” " There! Go and do it if you can. I admit that I can't. I have no idea what the French phrase above means, but I know that personally I cannot “invest myself with an atmosphere of interest.” I might manage about 2 per cent on $500. But what is that ip these days of plutocracy? At any rate, I tried the comtesse's directions at a reception last week, on being introduced to an unknown lady. And they failed. I cut out nearly all the last part and confined myself merely to the proposed selec- tion of a topic, endeavoring to pick it with as much care as if I were selecting a golf club out of a bag. Naturally, I had to confine my: to the few topics that I know abouf and on which I can be quite interest- ing if I get started. s MY TOPICAL REPERTOIRE. “Do you know any mathematics? T asked. No,” said the lady. This was too bad. I could have shown her some good puzzles about t!l.:xefiqunms of the prime numbers up 1 ]_?Au-ed and gave myself more air. stariom.are you,” I asked, “on hydro’ “I beg your pardon,” she said. - dently she was ignorant ngu.:‘\. o 1 was pausing again and trying to lmmy-ellwltbmwafl“r{har interest, when another man was in- troduced to her, quite evidently, from his appearance, a vapid jackass with- out one-tenth of the brain caliber that T have. “‘Oh, how do you do?” he said. “I say, I've just heard that Harvard beat Princeton at basket ball this after- rm;m.t Gm;. isn’t it?' ‘In two minutes they were talking like old friends. How do these sllly asses do it7 (Courricht. 20300 _ .. __ Blue Laws, According to Higgins, Kill Spirit of Co-operation for Community BY SAM HELLMAN. SE! remarks the misses, “they’re 'starting another big campaign to close up every- thing on Sunday.” “Including,” 1 inquires, “the guys that want to close up every- thing' “It looks like they want to stop all work,” goes on the wife, “Sunday newspapers and"—— “The ideas of them reformers about Sunday papers,” I cuts in, “is the tip- off on the kind of muddled brains those bables have, if anv."” ““How do you mean?” asks the frau. “Why do you think they want to stop Sunday papers?” I comes back. “S80 the men In the newspapers won't have to work on Sundays, I sup- returns Kate. here the blah-blah comes . 'unday papers are gotten out on Saturdays. It's Monday papers that are printed on Sunday. Why don’t they yelp about the Monday papers?” ‘Maybe,’ suggests the misses, ‘they're against folks reading papers on Sunday instead of going to church.” It such is the case,” I replies, “when are the people who get out Monday papers going to get their d: of rest and & chance to go to church’ My answer to that,” returns Kate, “is the answer that you could properly make to any question that was asked—I don't know. ~Anyhow, I agrees with them reformers that everybody ought to get a day of rest 'So do 1,” says I, “but what's rest? Don't you think it's rest for a man that's been cooped up in an office all week to get out on a golf course and kick a pill around?” “It might be rest for most folks, but not for you,” sniffs the frau. “If you did as much digging around the house as you did over the club we'd have the best garden in Ameérica."” “That's all right,” I argues. “You can even get a rest digging. I know a lad who's a bookkeeper in a bank who spends his day off chopping down trees and has lots of fun at it. Rest aln’t nothing but a change from what vou've been doing. A 10-mile walk is a rest for a boy that's been sitting at a typewriter for 10 hours a da Maybe.” admits the frau, that al the kind of rest those reformers are talking about. They wants you to g0 to church and"-—— Can’t a man go to church and play golf, too?"” I interrupts. *He can, but he hardly ever does,” says Kate. € “Suppose,” T inquires, “all the golf GorsH! - T “AINT PLAYED GOLF SINCE YESTIODN ! “REST AINT NOTHING BUT A CHANGE FROM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. courses in the United States closed mext Sunday. How m of the players would be in church that day do you imagine?" “Not 80 many,” agrees the misses, “but a lot of 'em would probably be at home with their families and seeing their children for the first time in three or four years, “They would not,” I snaps. “From what I know of the gang over at m; club—and they're typical—80 per cent of them would be in moke-filled rooms trying to fill inside st to meld a hundred ‘ up bum hooch on the side, and th other 20 per cent would be going over accounts, fixing up their income tax blanks or catching up on some of the back work of the office. Which do you think would be more ple religion and to health—a bunck card players cooped up in a haze w | nicotine | | tel | night and who'd climb out of the ha to|th and alcohol or the bunch out in the fresh air playl or tennis or taking long hikes?" Still,” comes buck Kate, ‘em would go if they didn’t p “I doubt it,” says I. “Inm ence I've found that when a man wants to go to church he goes, re gardless, and if he doesn’t want to go don’t go, regardl I've known »ws that have been up all Saturc same after two hours sleep to g0 to ch churches have been mad - nough to them to pull them : from anyth ) come to the services Don't you tr to go to church ink more folks ought ' usks the misses. 1. “It's something do them some good a chance of doing ‘em harm t think you can herd 'em in. | { {be millions that uses You can’t make a man like spinach by refusing to let him eat ham and eggs. You’ve got more of a chance of lcads ing him on to spinch by talking kindly about the food that he does like. The reformers would huve more luck using mol and less vinegur. “How do you miean?” asks the frau, ‘Well,” says L. “if T was playing the game I'd speak well of golf, base ball nd_other clean, restful amusements for the ecrowd that works all week and then point out to the boys and girls that an hour or so in church wouldn't cut into their program of pleasure any to amount to much. In other words, I'd split_ with my parishioners. I'd say this is a day of rest: part of it be- longs to your body and part of it to your soul. Give vour soul an hour or two and take the rest for vour body, What's the matter with that scheme?” “The source, chiefly,” comes back the wife. Anyhow,” 1 goes on, treating the insult with the contempt T deserve, ‘these folks that are for closing up everything can't even agree among themselves. 1 was reading the other day that one bunch wants the rails roads to stop running on Sunday; another crowd s for pulling all the automobiles off the road on the Sab- How is that going to help the churches? There are thousands of people in the co that take the irain to get to church and there mus machines for the purpose.” hey can walk,” sugges en or twelve miles, ¢h back. “Where does the come in? Remember w to that bird in Jersey that d enforce ail the blue laws county!" What happened?” inquires Kate. “He issued a warrant against every- body in the place,” I tells her, “on five or six different kinds of violations, and then had to pinch himself.” What'd he do?” asks the frau. “He found a statute in the books that made it a misdemeanor,” I ex- plains, “to write out a legal document on Sunday, So he'd viclated the law. I'll bet if some of those guys that'd e the blue laws back had way they'd be pinched before got out of houses on Sun- the wite * 1 comes of res happened ided to in his st the law in old days.” It still is in this house, au. snaps the Athletic Results Become Marvelous When Contestants Grow Tall Enough BY RING LARDNER. O THE editor: The daily p: recently went quite ins over a story from Africa or some other place in Egypt to to the effect that a race of peo- ple had been discovered over there who was 80 much bigger than us as to make it very unusual, the men was sald to be hardly any of them under 7 ft. no inchs tall and the ladics God bless them in proportion, as if Africa was the only place where ladles is in proportion. The story went on to say what great athletes all the men was and reported that o photograph was in existence of one of them clearing the bar in the high jump at 6 ft. § and he not only cleared it but cleared it by a ft. Before newspapers gives their space to such nonsense as the above they should do & little investigating “HE NOT ONLY CLEARED IT, BUT CLEARED IT BY A FT.” which would soon convince them that the tribe referred to {s so many fleas compared with the Gusto tribe of South Algebra whose chief i{s none other than Great Gusto, married in 1903 to Junie McAndrews who was afterwards recd. with Great Gusto by the chairman of pretty near every capital in Europe. It is said of these folks that If they were all layed end to end the farthest one would be in the Dakotas while most of the rest of them prefer Florida a specially at this time of yr, If they were all stood up on each other’s shoulders the one on “THE WITS HEAVY GOLF SHOES HAD SAVED HIM FROM EX- POSURE TO WHALE NIBBLES.” top would be in the $3.00 seats at the opera and the one on the bottom would be_just as uncomfortable. In passing I might say in this co nection that Mr. Frank E. Doherty, commissioner of buildings in none other than Chicago, remarked last month that 1925 was the greatest month for building in all the histo of the Quaker City and the housing problem had been solved and if ali the buildings erected in the 1 yr. was placed together In a _straight line they would reach from Lake Michigan to the Mississippi River. Mayor Dever s appointed a_special pussy of po- licemens to watch Mr. Doherty like a hawk and see that he don't carry out this threat as a good many of the in- mates of the alleged buildings is satis- fied with the present sit o return to the Gustos, Frank Gusto is the champion high jumper of the community and when told about the feat of the member of that African tribe, why he ordered the jumping tomes erected and the bar placed at 6 fi. 8 and come to find out he couldn’t even get under it let alone over it In the last track meet between G (talia and their great rivals, the Burge, the score was a tle at the conclusion of the pole vault if there is a conclu- sion to same and the result of the meet depended on the one mile relay Here Is where the Gustos sprung their coupe and win the event before it started by laying themselfs end to end around the track. The feature of the meet was the shot put in which the Gustos had a stroke of luck that was rather ludi- crous. Neilson of the Burge cohorts ade a put of 65 ft. and it looked unbeatable because none of the Gustalin team had ever put a shot. They had looked all over thé house and there seemed 1o place to put it. Well, Dorney Phetts, captain of the team, was standing in the circle won- dering how best to proceed when Jolter Weeds who had known him since childhood got back fn town and walked right up behind where the Burge man's ball was laying. In reaching out to shake hands with Jolter, Phetts dropped the shot out of his hand and beat the Burge effort by 1 ft. 23 inch: ‘That the Gustos are not without the proverbial sense of humor was dem- onstrated last April when Melville Gusto (formerly Glade) was crossing on the Berengaria from Hoboken to Worse when he stubbed his toe on the tops-11 and fell overboard. He lit on his ft. When he had stepped back on the ship it was seen that he had been in water up to the bottoms of his Kknickers. “Lucky I trousers,” said had to of had the: The wit's heavy golf shoes had sived him from exposure to whale nibbles and all and all he was none the worse for his wade. Clem Gusto is the champion golfer of the countrv and has a great admire in Clemenceau_(the “Wolf") him putt on the Paris green and presented him with a new goose billed putter of which the shaft was one of the uprights in the Eiffel tower. Clem is the longest driver in golf according to Jim Barnes, who caddies for him. Jim tells an incidence of a match in which Clem was playing Herford Kifter. It took place on the Probasco course in Tennessee. They were all even up to the last hole, which is a blind hole, being a niblick pitch over Lookout Mountain. After Kifter had shot, Gusto said to Ji limb up my back, Runt, and blindfold me. I ain’t taking no unfair advantage.” Jim adds that he was always like that. wasn't wearing long r I would of m pressed. Why Woman Pedestrians, in Accidents, Are Run Down by Drivers of Own Sex BY ED WYNN, EAR Mr. Wynn: I am keep- ing company with a young lady who is very fond of horses. I am thinking of marrying her. Every one tells me a woman who loves horses will make a good wife. Do you belleve that? Sincerely, L M. A. BOOB. : All T can say is that it Is true & woman loves she can drive. Dear Mr, Wynn: I am a married man with three children. I keep working but sesm unable to make both ends meet. What shall I do? Sincerely, AL. TRUISTIC. Answer: That's easy. If you can’t make both ends meat, make one vege- tables. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a 18 years of age and go with a boy 1 older. I like him very .much but he always tries to kiss me. I don’t want to be kissed, yet I want to be with him. What shall I do? ‘Yours truly, X. KUZEMEE. Answer: Marry him. year Dear Mr. Wynn: I read some statis- tics in the papers reganrding auto acci- dents and it sald that most of the wmwudm-whom,mb strange te sy, were hig How do you ac- Yours truly V. HICKLE. Answer: That is the most natural thing in the world. It is woman's nature to run down her own sex. by woman drivers. count for that Dear Mr. Wynn: My son, 23 years of age, dces not seem fit for any occu- pation for the simple reason he walks in his sleep. What can I do with him? Yours truly, N. SOMNTA. Answer: Make him a policeman. Dear Mr. Wynn: A friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen for 3 years came into my office vesterday. 1 always thought he was tall but yesterday he looked short to me. He told me he had just gotten married. Could that have anything to do with him looking shorter than before? Sincerely, , L GLASS. Answer: That is the' whole story in 2 nutshell. since he married he probably s dewn. He used to be tall but ttled Dear Mr. Wynn: Now that Sandow has passed away who is the strongest man in the world? Yours tri SAM SU Answer: A man in Massachusetts has the best claim to the title. Last week he took an axe and chopped down a tree and the next day he chop- ped it up. Dear Mr. Wynn: Do you think it is possible to go 20 miles on a gallon? Yours truly, OTTO MOBEEL. Answer: With the kind of stuff you get today some folks get to heaven on a quart. Dear Mr. Wynn: I have just arrived in this country. My first visit here since 1903. Kindly tell me—“When J the prohibition law was passed was ft a big surprise to the people?” Truly yo . CAPTAIN. Answer: I'll tell the cock-eyed world it was a surprise to the people. In fact, it took most of-the people’s breath away. Dear Mr. Wynn: In our town there is a burglar who Is causing consider- able trouble as well as curiosity. The police can’t catch him. The report is that he travels around absolutely nude. What I want to know is this— ““What shall I do if some night I find the robber in my house and he is real- 1y naked?” Yours truly, D. TECTIVE. Answer: Cover him with your re- volver. Dear Mr. Wynn: Is it true that a fire engine ran into a butcher wagon and knocked the tripe out of it? Yours truly, X. CYTED. Answer: Next week. THE PERFECT FOOL. Ed Wynn, as he has often told you. fs one of the ‘wisest men in the world. He sees all—he knows all. Do you think sou can stump him with any kind of a question If vou do. send it to bim in care of the edifor of this paper and watch for his reply. (Copyrigbt. 1021 S = At least 300 royal and princely young men of Siam are now studvi in Eyrope and America, the mos®, them under assumed names, ‘