Evening Star Newspaper, November 29, 1925, Page 99

THE SUNDAY § AR, Old-Time Weather Marks, Going . “Shall I Mind Somebody Else’s Business, Or Try Going Into Business for Myself?” BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Count Seven, the gent who invented the idea £ marrying American girls their money, wrote in his “The reason why American ladles is so fond of we Utled men from abroad is that they donY expect tot much of us.’ WASHINGTON, foreign for memoirs, And how \wise that crack was come to me not so very long ago when 1 and George, that’s my hus band, got to talkin out his fu- t all come up over that of the Hawthorne Club wife a new car. It was ouse-sports model, a stock and it had ss enclosed viece windshield-wiper, four wheels and s in every way quite semi-dirigi & brake, and w the herries. When I why naturally I had to at once throw it at Geo. In a nice way of course, on account I seen it don't ever want to reproach my hus band with the fact he ain't a Rock- eyfeller which he ain’t, the nearest he ever come to being @ member of that family is that his cousins are the wk. Stonybrokes. But any- ways, naturally when that Mabel Rush ' trur out the new 'bus and rubbed it right under my nose, 1 couldn’t help but s k of it to my meal-guarantor In no unmistakahle terms In fact the terms was all ecash, no credit Say Ges believe vou me I out of = seeing t around in a perambulating n-house, fitted up with steam h radio, etc. - - - — while all we got is our open-faced. | o the briny deep and my mother was | fill the positions ahead of me if only [ there was a couple of love-notes in sea-going tin lzzv, T savs. Why on | tne salt of the earth. Yeh, I says, and |the shoes were vacant. I only want|the handful he slipped me regarding earth don’t you bu and make | oee vou got pickled; that makes you | to be sure of tuking the right step.|payments due on the ice box, and that a little real ney so's we can have | qualify, okey. But would vour heart|Often and often I have thought I|certainly gave me a chilly feeling. something besides access to the pub- | pa in it? I wouldn't want you to make | should be in the banking business.| Also another notice was from the le library? Im slek and tired of f that change unless your heart was in| Lookit the easy time a bank pres.|plumber about money due on the fur. never getting ahead of anything but | your work : has. All he has got to do is try and | nace repairs, and that sure made me my nk account. " Well, says Geo. my heart is cer-| wear out the seat of a solid mahog-| hot. T begun to wonder if maybe we Well. to mv surprise George didn't | tainly in dillpickles. But then, quite|any desk chalr and keep on saving | couldn't manage to pay both, in part, pull his regular line ahout well if{to the other hand, I belleve with a | “no” to struggling voung busine it of George's next month’s salary, You would spend less we could save | little capital 1 might do well in the | men who are struggling to get a lit-| and then all of a sudden 1 realized more, and etc. Inste he layed | garage business. Yeh, I says, do who?|tle money. All I necd to go into|where he might of already resigned down the evening paper where he |1 think myself you might get along|that game, is some one to finance|in order to take on some nice easy had been sadly reading the comics, | good with a garage if only you knew | me for a coupla two pants suits, be-| executive job that might pay him and he talked to me real earr t. | something about c: But on the|cause with all that setting I would| twice as much and then again it D'vou know Jennie. he says, I have | other hand, if vou was to go into|certainly use them up the first coupla | mighn't. been thinking a whole lot lately | that business somebody might mi months, | At noontime in come Junfor from about that very thing, he says. Here |understand your motivation. Can ¥ Hot Bozo! T says, I would sure|school for his dinner, and he told me T am going on toward 40, he says, |take down & motor? And he savs|like to see vou earning me a closed| where he hadder have some new and I am not getting wh 1 ought | don't be absurd dear, of course I can|car. T am tred seeing you come| s, and I could at the same time to_be. 1l somebody gives me the number! home nights without anything extra with my own'eyes that he needed I feel where perhaps I ain't e Well, I says, I got no doubt that|on you except a few cinders off the | new shoes.” And while T made a note the right thing in my own best in-|you could make good in the auto|five fifteen. ( of this, I also at the same time com- terests to keep st hy the (ireat | business, even if a car was missing | g0 into something big 4 r | ced to wonder just how soon the American Button in both senses after you was through | tainly will stand behind vou, if onl ic business would commence vear. Of cc r with it, but do you really want to go|to catch th N says ng dividends. In fact, this idea cern and undoubtedly turn out more, | into that? And Geo. says no dear, | George, I he it some about on my mind to such an extent and empt buttonholes per anr not too far, what else have you got | the moving picture business. Some it 1 tried to get GGeo. on the phone than any other concern of the to suggest? How about real estate, | times when T have set and watch i tell him to put off leaving the he savs, but by jove! he savs s 1 say But that didn’t appeal to|a few of them bath Great Am. Buttonhole Co. flat until ing his fist down on the pes t Geo. Suppose 1 couldn’t land any-|have felt where I was missing - the first of the month. But no innocent armchair, where do 1 get|body in that game, says he. And|vocation and a whole lot beside. luck, he was out to lunch when I oft? What's it offering me f the t is more, 1 don’t know, and I|guess it IS pretty easy to sit on the | .ijjeq future? I've gone as high as I can 't care anything about good deeds | beach and tell them oneplece bath-i ™ T 0 g g o o in that concern. Old Klippenhauser : MiEnsssiine; billplakds | INgReIt modals Wwheze \they, eUIRM 5y o S e &0 onvlotiontl et is & perfectly good general manager incss is best. Or T might go into| and there is money in it. too. And |l cfterncon the comviction kept he's liuble to stay there forever, and s, he savs, T hear where there |1 says no dear, I feel the moving. | &rowing on me where mavbe we had besides, he's got stock in the con. Jot of money in politics, if you | picture business {s altogether too | ecided too rashly, roragp 'm‘v\”ny; e Pk Sl s ; o howitozat it ont {risky. I favor the Dilipickle idea ‘way | llable to break out on us at any time to break awav and st Well dear, I says, there are rer.|above it [ even Tooked ot tithe h,‘ck o Lo SSIE In moracii: Ta u [ tainly plenty of men with easy jobs| And dear. I eavs to him, movies or | even looked out the back window an business of 1 somet 1sy, | in th 1d. and I don't know why | not, when you take this step of leav. | 0N foat vaas Joe Wnah nisnicaplie with more n in it, where I|You n't be one of them; Why | Ing your job it had ought to be withj L1% &assvare on hh" new oor “}:"l wouldn't v so havd, and | Just lookit that Joe Bush, he hasn't | the right direction. Just make up fetlized where perbaps, “‘;’“n‘r‘_' e Lave at th \ real future. |32 vour brains, and yet there he is,| Your mind what you really want "'1 SInE S weathar, =8 better for us to have a open car with no glass to clean. If T could of figured out any way to reach Geo. and stop him from resigning I would of done so. sales manager of the Plnochle Deck | do, and I will make up my face and Co. which furnishes of the Pinochle I * ok ok X t Bozo! There was a fire voice made me steamship companies all | show it to the world, count on me. ks for the large| Well, after this, I and Geo. went of the world.|to bed in one of them high, exalted L d do so took He sure has it easy, all he has to do | moods when a person feels they can|And when I heard his well worn foot case it |is wear the mahogany finlsh offen |lick the world, fate cannot harm me, | SteDS coming over the porch that tence. | his desk with the heels of his boots.| I have dined today. In other words, | N€ht T could hardly wait to hear the practically up and take ash tray out proved to be a b ttack of e Rut it was so tr said abo Well, says Geo., if he can hold{ we had a big decision decided and|WOrst. bim slavin ppreciative | down a executive job like that, why | that was that. JI SPel Hdenct L isusnl s s¥eoon iaainio ompany and m away forfcan't 7 T certainly feel that I'could |~ we even had a hang-over of our big | jomc 11+ id sou see the boss? Yes, him, fat I kinda caught the fire|do the work of some of our most| resolve mext morning, and when Geo. | meony e T : my ownself, personally. That's true | prominent men as good as they can. 5 g bl | factory interview, 1 says. I sure did, Gt Ioie s bl e 0. | kissed me good-bye he savs, now dear, | s Gieo. I dldn't hat to ask. to set stay in a rut too long, T says, It he|a pips any better then I cons ¢|are you sure you want me to take| #s & _matter of fact he sent for is ever going io get cut and do some. | should sy not! 1 been making a|the chance and go in the Dillpickle Well? I says. Well, says George, thing for himself, why the 1 £6 2t | exest anlitake staying on 5 ixllerA business for myself, and you Won't|ne gent for me to tell me that times Taiberors 1t 1 oo 1 That's exactly | basts all these yrs. the way I have,| TeSret it If I speak to the boss today | was pretty hard, he was gonner haf what I think say nd then the | it's time I made a change. And I|&nd give him fair warning? And 1) t; economize a lot, and let most of heok ofiictastng perfectly for once, | sa as soon as you make change|S2YS: No dear, go to it, I'm not in|ipe fellers in our office go. But he ept \lfll"‘ "u\"'l "';4 ate But wflu‘ f‘nr a 1;\((\' |(fll‘l‘;rbl 1 “'llhnul‘(lu# avor of your rutting along in any was willing to keep me on at the I says at last, if you break away from | notice in advance dear, you will be T o 0aso0: Went on I | same salary because I knew the busi vour present job, wha vou do?! where a man of your talents had ,‘}Ml;‘”ff‘ “’:“,""}“;\‘I‘fefl:"’;ka’;‘id vent | ness so good. Gee whiz! says George, Afn't it better as the old saying goes to hold off on get ahold of the I wouldn't have that sibility And dld you keep the job, I says. oughter be. man’s respon- 50 dreams of the future and how pretty u ACEBIK soon, instead of dusting off the fur- u off the for the world! the old oV until at was 3 : e fture I would be dusting : 2 : consldering changing to WWELL, having heard this, Geo. got pnpe 2 Jousin otiec] And Geo. says yes. Then I drew George pulled a moment of silence up out of his chair and proved his | el T had pretty near forgottenla big breath of reifef. That's the while he impr \N-rx a n «1.,;\]; con chest expansion to me. Then hav-|" e ;',:"\: ;;n’;rk“{k“i“‘ mgo om :‘,HOWJ o viction he savs solemnly,|ing lit a alleged cigar, he set down , £ | oyen/and Lvenabou well m'dear. I have always felt alagain with the alr of granting me a| JJUT somehow. once the mafl man|decided it ain't what you do that strong inclination toward the Dill-| interview. You are quite right my had arrove, the future didn't|counts, it's how well you do it P2 I s pickle bu ess. My father was raised | dear, he says, 1 am certainly able to|seem so bright. To commence with, (Copyright. 1925.) Deep, Modern Philosophy Is Required For Popular Debate on Thanksgiving BY SAM HELLMAN. ment like I told you, so where do you T ) get o dall o e “Well,” says I, “If there ain't noth- sprung _the news - about ing else to glve three cheers over we Thanksgiving falling on_the can be thankful that we didn't have i e e any wars this year " ““Oh, I don’t know,” returns “High *Hij dome" Finnegan. “High Dom: neg: Dome.” “The way gunmen and ma- “It sure took a load off my mind,” says he. “Wouldn't it be awful If chines are killing "em off in this coun- some Presldent should forget to issue try you might as well have a war a a proclamation?” month. Anyhow, if you're going to be ®hankful about not having no wars you can't be thankful about all the dough we got in this country, seeing as it took a war to bring it all her What else you got to be thankful for “Personally,” says I, “I'm thankful that I'm eating regular and got a roof over my head. I'm alive—" “Do you figure,” cuts in Finnegan, “that You're better off alive than dead?” “I don't know,” says I. “I've only tried one of 'em. “There you are” snaps “High Dome.” “That's the big trouble with you—you go off half-cocked. You're the kind of guy that likes coffee better “What do you think'd happen?” I inquires. “I shudder to think,” shudders “High Dome.” *“I guess a lot of folks seeing the banks and the stores shut would figure it was the Fourth of July and go out and shoot firecrackers. ‘Another mob would get the idea it was New Year's eve and go out and got ple-eyed. “Yeh,” T adds, “and I guess a lot of other folks would dope it out that it was February 22 and celebvate Lincoln’s Birthday. “Lincoln’s Birthd snorts Finnegan. “Th nothing” t's Armistice “You should have the education,” than tea on account of never having e drunk any tea in his life. How do of them Thanksgiving proclamations vou know you wouldn't be more “Sure,” says “High Dome.” "I read thankful for being dead than altve?” hem all ) “You don’t have to try everything," S AT rapeats T argues, “to find out whether you like : ook g something better. . o rns Finnegan, me , ".nla t':?zd.u S A "I::dl\'mx‘ & “You don't, eh?" sneers Finnegan. see any difference between 'em? We No, you don’t,” I yelps. “I never ate an angleworm in my life, but I like the white meat of chicken & whole lot better.” ““That’s a _question of looks,” comes back “High Dome,” “not of tastes. As a matter of fact, you might like snafls better than scrambled eggs if you always got the same stuff to be thank- ful for. If the crops are good we're thankful; if they ain’t we're thankful that they're as good as they are. If| we ain’t got nothing at all to be| thankful for we're thankful on account of not having to give up any time to “PERSONALLY,” SAYS L “T'M THANKFUL THAT I'M EATING REG- ULAR AND GOT A ROOF OVER MY HEAD.” “The same being?"” eyebrows Finne- ga! Big crops just mean that the farmer don't get nothing for his work and 3 P s s g tasted snails, and heavens knows, De! nkful. T'll bet one of those| “Well" says T, Tots of | you don't see the price of bread going alls, 5 nr::(‘:‘l‘.qxln}.‘n’l’un“\\ri(..--q could figure out | dough in the country and—-"" down any, do you? there ain't nothing to write home P eason for Mark Twain's prize tough| “That’s nothing to be thankful| «r guess you're right,” says I, “but [ &bout in the looks of a snail “What,” T wants to know, “Is all of this got to do with Thanksgiving?” “Everything,” answers Finnegan, “if you don't know what you like how do you know what to be thankful for? For all you know the only things you really got to be thankful for are the about,” interrupts “High Dome.” “If there was less there’d be fewer per- sons buying poisoned hooch, there'd be fewer folks going wrong with auto- mobiles, there’d be fewer homes shot to pieces by luxury and there'd be fewer folks over in Europe eating shoelaces for shoestring potatoes. Have we got any business being | thankful over the other guy being | broke?"” “Maybe not,” T agrees, “but we got some grand crops this vear, haven't we?" “What's so swell about that?” grum- bles Finnegan. ‘‘Lots of wheat and cotton just gives those guys in Wall 1| Street more of a chance to gamble and bust a flock of comepps and don't help the farmers and the’ public any. luck baby oeing thankful.” “Who's he?” I asks. “Do you remember,” returns “High e.”” “the guy that had rheumatism bad it'd always kill him to make @ slightest movement. ®That's not so terrible,” I remarks. *He didn’t have to move, did he?"” *Let me finl snaps Finnegan. ‘~When this rheumatic baby was suf fering the most he all of a sudden got an attack of St. Vitus dance, you must admit that there's been work for everybody this vear and that's something to be thankful for. “How do you get that way?” growls “High Dome.” “Work ain’t no pleas- ure, it's a punishment. . Didn’t Adam get punished by having to g0 to Work | things you've never had' for pulling the triple play with the | “Iow you golng to get excited about apple in the Garden of Eden—Snake | something you ain't never had?” I to Eve to Adam? Ought a baby be |parks thankful for being punished? k How | g thankful were you when you came back from the woodshed in your kid days and ate off the mantelpiece?" “The country’s been pretty healthy all year, hasn't 1t T demands. body that can spell the word “Suppose it has?” comes back | ‘That” says Finnegan, FinoapPose Mt Youre healthy vou |thing to be thankful for.” have to work and work’s a punish- ' (Copyrisht, 1928.) e,” sighs “High Dome,” “you don’t go in for deep modern philoso- phie: “No, T don’t,” I returns. “I don't even know anybody that knows any- 'Hlyen that’s not so bad,” I cuts = o ’ “How'd you make it any worse? sneers “High Dome.” “Give him the hives, as well' surgests. “Anvhow.” T goes on. “We KoL & lot to be thankiul for this year. D. ¢, NOVEMBER 29, 25— PART 5. Into Business and Gridiron Stars When the Club’s Oldest Member Begins Tales of His Bigger and Better Past BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ATHER a cold day, fsn't 12" I sald as I entered the club. The man addressed pop- ped his head out from be hind a newspaper and 1 saw it was old Mr. Apricot. So L was sorry that ad spoken. ot so cold as the Winter of " he said, beaming with benevo lence. He had an egg-shaped head, bald, with some white hair fluffed about the sides of it. He had a pink face with | large blue eves, behind his spectacles, (14 T benevolent fo the verge of imbecility 8 Was that a cold \$inte I asked. ._,}‘ Bitter cold,” he said. “I have A never told you, have I, of my early experiences in life?" “I think I have heard you mention them,” I murmured. But he had already placed a de- taining hand on my sleeve. “Sit down,” he said. Then he con tinued, “Yes, it was a cold Winter I was going to say that it was the coldest I have ev experienced, hl)!| that might be an exaggeration. ',m‘ it was certainly colder than any Win- | ter that you have ever seen, or that “A STRANGER OFFERED ME A DOLLAR TO DRIVE A LOAD OF TAN BARK 700 MILES TO ST. PAUL—BUT I DID IT.” we ever have now, or are likely to| have. Springfield than St. Louis,” he went| “Is it possible!” T exclaimed. “how “In fact the Winters now are a mere | o5 in 4 peculiar sing-song voice, “and | ever could vou understand it nothing”—here Mr. Apricot looked | 1hare s nothing nearer to Denver| “Ah “fri Apricot, toward the club windows wl | than St. Francisco. nor to New Or-|almost , “in those days the vouth the driven snow was beating {n eddies | jeans than Rio Janeiroe— of the Unitad ‘States were e against the panes i eie Eaeslnel OBl et e i The: weil nenie One doesn’t feel them ", You I Madie) j]‘“"" f you H’,H tran folowe turned toward the mlowing fire that | e perpoteck | Supreme flamed in the open fireplace—*1 My father Mr. Apricot, | Supr when I was a boy things were very | “had settied on the banks, both bar T ow boys e the different. I have probably never mer of the ash He was like >idD o AT et he X tioned to you, ve 1, tne clreum-| y O men of his time, a P ereatost mien! were educated stances of my early 1ife?"” banded soldler, a veteran Dractically Aoibite eies ereaor I was too weak to interrupt | “Otf ‘the Mexican War or of the|law reports and tha almanacs® F “My father,” went on Mr. Apricot,| Civil War?” I asked. | 1in, Jefferson, Jackson, Johnsc settling back {n his chair and speak-| “Exactly,” answered Mr. Apricot,| Mr. Apricot had relapsed into his i ing with a faraway look in his eves,| hardly heeding the ques “of the|song voice, his eye had “had settled on the banks of the| Mexican Civil War of mist t abash River—— |7 “Was he - Lincoln”” T asked.| on——*}a; 10 “Oh, yes, I know it well,” T inter-| “Over Lincoln.” corrected Mr. Apri oD . jected. ravely. And he added, it is ught it bette in as it was then,” saild Mr.| strange t e the w ir t You were spe i ‘of very quickly At present | present eration regards | the Winter of 155 as you, or any other thoughtless tour Lincolr » us, of cours ‘Of 1846 ist sees 1t, it appears a broad river » of which I speak, L pouring its vast flood In e | was mpl ne of ourselves At the time I speak of it was a mere “In 18657 1 asked i stream scarcely more than a few feet ““This 1856,” said Mr. Ay ot. | way to sch in clrcumference. The life we led| “He came often to my f: r's cabin places as there was one of rugged isolation and and w spend the e ni: cot paused. t of sturdy selfrellfance and effort, such | with r father er the interpreta- | we made our way to sc n spite as it is, of course, quite impossible | tion of the Constitution of the United | of it. No boys of today—nor. for the for vou or any other member of this| States | matter of that, even men su « club to understand We en used to stan eside attempting i “I may give you some fdea of what | the 2 open-mouthed heside s to I mean when I say that the le htgowns ght there was no tc - 1 was thrilled friend. Our burgh than Ch > n lay dowr companions. We gladly than Minn 35— e territo miles to school eve! “Imposs§ sal Con as affecte niles bac Mr. Apricot seeme not to r-,rv:r’p‘] mne Court decision «¢ hores till midnight the interjection. | 1857 v 9 vears old at the by ndlelight"—he “There was no place nearer toltime ed me!” voice had falle no doubt indus Grange and the Famous Lardner Family Are Selected for All-American Foot Ball BY RING LARDNER. | To the editor: In response to mands from practically all over our| vard I will take this occasion to make public my Al selections for 1925: FIRST TEAM. ay College. D. Kitchell, Capen School A. Merrill, Chicago R. Lardner (Capt.) Niles High J. Lardner, Green Vale foot ba Pl E. Lardner, Smith B. Lardner, Great Neck J. P. Lardner, Great Neck Grange, Illinots Quarter D. Lardner, Great Neck 1 P. Zinsser, Great Neck Ialfback B. Kitchen, Great K Fullback For the first time of myself it is a pleasurs this year to pick an All-American team. As soon as you have chose Grange and a center to pass him the ball yvou don't need or want no more foot ball play- ers and can take advantage of the opportunity to fill out the other posi tions with relatives and congenfal friends. J. Lardner, who I have selected for center, plays that position with the Green Vale team at Glen Head, Long" Island, and can pass the ball pretty £ood which s all that is necessary He has got a good head and would never make the mistake of passing the ball to any of the backs except Grange. I noticed in the Illinols- Pennsylvania game that the Orange and Blue center slipped up on several occasions and passed to Britton, Green and Daugherty and wasted a good deal of time as these 3 men would stop after they had went 4 or 5 or 20 vds. whereas Grange considered that he had been throwed for a loss if he the experfence “THE DADDY CATCHED RED.” went lest than one-half the length of the fleld. J. Lardner knows the other backs on my team too well to pass to them One of them is his brother David, 6 yrs. of age, while Miss Zinsser and Miss Kitchen is also about that old and have been selected because they are in David's class at Great Neck Preparatory School and would keep him from getting bored during the times Grange was away somewheres with the ball. However, to make in-|to stand in Grange’s way was he to surance doubly sure as they say, I[come through their %ide of the line would insist on the team being learn-| D. Kitchell who I have placed at ed only one signal, namely 77 which|the other end is a sisterinlaw of means Grange. mine that married one of the Kitchell T have appointed myself captain of this eleven a: token of respect for The madam is placed at the ather guard as it has been reported that she feels hurt at not being men- tioned when I am in the throws of giving the family a little publicity. The Lardners at tackle and end are the other two kiddies and while they both play foot ball themselves they promise ihat they would not attempt boys. She is & nice gal to have along on a party like this on acct. of the comical remarks she makes some- times sending the crowd into an up roar and keeping them there. RBe side her at tackle I have put Alice Kitchell Merrill as they both live in Evanston, Ill, and are sister-in-laws to one another and get along pretty good and during the lulls in the game they could set down somewhere and disgust Evanston socfal life. It is hardly necessary to point out that four or five of thess players would find foot ball something of a novelty, but seven of them can play of been greased ¥ couldn’t d One of my e iv onece asked Red if being an ice had any thing to do his succe onta back. differ ball with tongs. what would happen radio to compare Grange's siyle of running with that of Hest and Ma han. Well, it always seemed to me like Hestor there Iy ight-arm 5 an knocking w | Rea won them. He treat say that the second m plays vs » first team lots ¢ you play vs. Grange hun ing « of r pick p howev they was o Red and that s \ Look how Wise Advice From The Perfect Fool Relates to Love, Business and Conduct BY ED WYNN. EAR Mr. Wynn: I have been in ill health for some time. Answer for. That is easily accounted He is 2 years older than you. The doctor told me to take| Dear . Wynn isEIU tuet et some iron. Do you think he|™oney talksz ad\'l;_c:}x = rc\:»lr;ecufl AD. VENTURER. DDA WARE. Answer: You marry money and Answer: Your doctor's advice is|find out for yourself. very good, if taken properly. I knew a man once who was sick and his doctor told him to take some iron. He took a stove and was arrested. Dear Mr. Wyn Why is it that “tramps” are so popular? Sincerely, R. R. TIES. Answer: Because they never start any labor dispute: Dear Mr. Wyn I am a girl go- ing to high school and I met a boy whom I like real well. He takes me home every day. He seems to be very nice, but his hands and his neck always look unclean to me. I am 15 vears of age and my hands are very clean while he ig 17 years of age and his hands are so much dirtler. How do you account for that? Sincerely, IMA° KOED. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am now 42 years of age and still unmarried. I can't seem to get a husband. Every leap year I propose to seven or eight men but none of them will even lis- ten. What, oh, what, shall I do to get a husband? Sincerely, A. SPINSTER. Answer: Just find a man who is sick on the flat of his back and it's a cinch. Dear Mr. W. My wife is elther careless or absent minded. Every time she goes out of the house she has her stockings on the wrong side. How can I cure her of wearing her stockings inside out? Truly yours, M. POSSIBL. next time y Answer: The u see our wife with her stocking wrong side out turn the hose on her. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a girl 23 vears of age and have been going with a fellow for about five weeks. e is not very bright but I think I like him just the same. He proposed to me last night and just to kid him I sald 1 would marry him if he could tell me the difference between myself and & cow. Shall I marry him, any- how? Yours truly, N. LOVE Answer: If he can't tell you the difference between yourself and a cow you better let him' go. Dear Mr. Wynn: I understand the lightweight champlonship is i dis- pute. Can you tell me who are the two nearest contenders for the light weight champlonship? Truly yours, Answer: Just now, it is a toss up between the “iceman” and the “coal man.” Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a baker and | keep a bakery shop. T notice T am losing a lot of money on the dough nuts T make to sell. 1 can't charge any more than 1 do now for them if T do, I won't seli any. The rea son I lose money is: I use too much dough to make them with. What can I do so as to not use as much dough as I use now, to make the doughnuts? Truly vours, AC AROONS Answer: Make the holes in the doughnuts larger and you won't use as much dough. Dear Mr. Wynn: I saw an ady tisement in a_window the other ds which read: “Winter underwear ono. third off.” What is the world coming Bt Sincerely, A. PRUDE Answer next week [ THE PERFECT FOOL. Oh, Yes. “What's a 10-letter word meaning ‘hold-up’?” “I'll hite. What is it