Evening Star Newspaper, June 14, 1925, Page 81

" “ 1o THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, JUNE 14, 1925—PART 5. But the Wife Finally Dusts Off the Price Tags and Exchanges the Sports Apparatus For a Real Comfortable Box Hammock. BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Hendrick Hudson, the man who Invented the Am. fmmi- gration problem, once sald, “The Battle is for the Strong, and the Trouble with Ameri- cans is they don't take enough phy- sical exercise, but confine their ener- &ies to developing their bank rolls.” And what a farsighted man he was! That remark of his occurred to me this Spring when George, that's my husband, come home one night all wore out from’riding in the trolley, the train, and our flivver, which he had left in the garage acrost from our depot. He had a big bundle with him and when he opened it up, what on earth would he have in it only a pair of boxing gloves, two dumbbells, Indian clubs, and one of them machines you hitch up onto the wall in your bed- room and then make a daily effort to pull the wall down with ft. There, he &a I got these down to the Athletic goods department of the Emporium, he says, and by heck 1 am gonner make use of ‘em. My heavens, Jennie, he says, T am in_ about good shape a stepped-on tomato, he says, by Jove, I am going to start right in and ex ercise scientific, he says, that is the only way to get results, and you ought to do the same. Well, 1 could at once see where there was a lot of truth in that. Of course I haf to do our housework, which with the amount of picking up after Geo., cleaning up after Junior and cleaning Junior up after, which gets thrown in for good measure, why that is not purely mental work. But still and all, it don't seem to take any weight off me, and I agreed where exercising regular would be a splendid idea. So I says to Geo. fine and dandy why not commence at once by just running out to the corner and mall- ing a few letters for me? And Geo. says don't be absurd Jennie I'll take the flivver to the corner, T am too tired to walk all that | way, and besides I was talking about | real exercise, the kind you do every morning. And Just then the door bell rung | and who would it be only that Joe| Bush of the Hawthorne Club and his | wife. “Well, well, George, how are you? says Joe. And Geo. says why hello Joe, I'm simply fine, on account I am taking regular exercise now, I made up my mind there is nothing like it, makes you feel like /a million dollars, old man, that and the old cold shower, eh? And Joe says by jove I gotter commence doing the same thing, he says, and begun wigwagging his arms to show how strong the buttons was his sewed onto vest, or something. And Geo. say u sure ought to, Joe, it don't pay a man to leave hisself go. Well. T personally myself believe in zoing after things seriously and find ing out all about them in advance in- stead of doing them by ear. * % ok ox FOR # sample, when 1 go to make a cake I read a cook book, if 1| was gonner commit a murder T would read a detective story. if I was mere- ly out for a new hat 1 would read Geo's. check book. And then. being real careful to forget what them liter- ary vols. had said, T would go ahead and perform as I had already planned to in the first place. So acting on this great principle when I went out the next morning to recite my daily poem about butter eggs and biscuits to the grocery man, T also stopped by a stand and bought me a book called Physical Athletics and took it home with me in all inno- cence. There was a scene on what 1 took to be the see-shore, where a group of zirls was apparently hopping out the wi of the crabs and of the pebbles, which they should of had better sense n the first place than to come down “THERE WAS A SCENE, TOO, WHERE A GROUP OF GIRLS WAS APPARENTLY HOPPING OUT QF THE WAY OF THE CRABS AND THE PEBBLES.” George Gets His Exercise on. And underneath the picture it says ‘“Members of the Cheesecloth Dancers Co. on the beach at Whatsis, Fla.” However, on the next page was a bunch of Prize Bathing Beautles. What was even further, however, this magazine had a lot of special articles by human beings as well as by authors, and these was very interest- ing to me on account of them being true stories. There was one by a boy named J. Whosis Swatterfly, the leading Boot- black of Shootown, Mass. It give ‘a | plcture of him strutting his stuff, and the name of the piece was “‘Can you take vour daily dozen or leave them alone” and give a detailed acct. of his experience as a shoplifter. Another good plece was called “How I Found My Health When the Clev- erest Detectives in America Had Falled This one was by a lady, Madame Equestrienne, and she had got back her health by using horse sense, and advertising for it. Also by every day unfailingly walking a tight rope which she had rigged up out of a old clothes line in the back vard at home. Jt was a question of life or death with me she had wrote, and believe you me, she said a mouthful. That kind of exercise, if indulged in at all, sure does haf to be done unfailingly, all right! T ELL, after T had read that far, 1 threw the book away for further reference by the city collector and de- cided I would at once commence exer- cising. So I got out the exercise rec- ords I had got last Xmas when I first made up my mind to reduce, dusted them off, and tried them out. I put one on the phonograph and then went and got the carpet sweep- er so's to have a little womething to do while it was playing. Tt was a right pretty tune, but I dldn't care for the words so much, they being something about “first po. sition second base, kneel on left ear and touch theeeslling with the right toe three times, then reverse.” That was the verse. The chorus was in Spanish I guess. Anyways it says something like “One two three, Bla And by the time the chorus there without any shoes or stockings got through with saying that sixty times, I was also through playing on the carpet sweeper. Well, having finished my exercise, I by then felt all fresh and full of health and able to shell some peas for diner. And while I was doing s0 T thought, really now I must keep this up regular, only not overdo it, of course, on account I am not the type of girl that too many athletics is becoming to, although I will say there are few look any better in sports clothes then myself, especially the evening models. Of course men is a good deal dif- ferent from ladies and don't stick to a habit as good, that is, except to poker, golf and commuting. Pretty nearly every husband in our town has one of them sports constantly on his mind. So I watched George with consid- erable interest when he come home that night to see would he remem- ber the gymnasiumn outfit he had brought out the night before. And he did. What was even further, he set the stuff all out ready for the next day. At least he set and Junior put it out under directions. There now! ys Geo. when Junior had got all done, don't that look businesslike, I hope to tell the world that when T get through with them Indian clubs and dumbbells and etc this family will better step livel when I speak. I am gonner be a strong man! And 1 says well don't wear ‘em out too soon Geo., with a little care they might last you quite a while. And he says now don't get sarcastic, 1 suppose you think I ain't gonner do it, but 1 am, he says, and what is even further, I intend from now on walking to the station every day. * ok % ok ELL, we got a series of Nat'l. holl- days in this country that don't appear on the calendar or get an- nounced by the President nor have banks close on 'em, and these holi- days is what is known to every fam- ily’ as Exceptional Days, and I be- lieve that Alibi Ike was born on the first of them. And Ike's birthday turned out to be the next morning after Geo. had set up his amateur gymnasium outfit. He was late getting up, and he savs well, well, too bad. I guess I better not wait to do my exercises this morning, he says, I don't believe it will hurt any to let them go this one morning. And I says, no. you don't look as if it hurt you unbearably, and then we went down to breakfast, and it was raining, so he says do you mind running me down to the depot, he says, 1 don't belleve I had ought to walk in the rain. And I says of course dear I don’t mind running vou down to the depot or to my intimate friends, either, not If you are going to lay down on this exercise stuff so quick. Geo. was sore as a pup at that and he says, nonsense, I am doing no such thing, this is a exceptional day, that's all! . Well, them dumbbells actually wore spots ‘on the bedroom carpet, stand- Ing there so long, and only for me dusting them off onct in a while they would have been utterly ruined from not getting used. As for that wall puller, why after the first few weeks 1 give up hoping that Geo. would ever get the wall pulled down, and I was just crazy to see into the next house, I had never been up in that bedroom of theirs. But onct in a while Geo. would pick up the boxing gloves and look at ‘em and stick ‘em back in the tissue paper where it seemed they belonged. And the only time he exercised with them things was when that Jog Bush of the Hawthorne Club would be around, and then all he would exercise was his tongue telling how to keep healthy with your will power. Finally I couldn't stand the strain no more. One afternoon when Geo. hadn’t come home yet and Junior w out, I sneaked up in our room, col- lected them articles of physical cul- ture, and polished 'em up a little, in. cluding the price tage which was still on them. Then I made up a bundle and started for the sports good de- partment of the Emporium And 1 will say they was good sports in that department all right, on ac count the head floorwalker got my point at once. He knew I was a mother, and being a floorwalker him- self with plenty of practice at home nights, we had a sympathetic feeling. Say mister, I says, these things was bought up here several weeks ago but they are just as good' as new, BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ET me admit, as I start to write, that“the whole thing is my own fault. I should never have come. I knew better. I have known better for years. I have known that it is sheer madness to go and pay visits in other people’s houses. Yet in & moment of insanity I have let myself in for it. And here I am. There is no hope, no outlet now till the first of July when my visit is to terminate. Fither that or death. I do not greatly care which. I write this, where no human eye can see me, down by the pond—they call it lake—at the foot of Beverly- Jones’ estate. It is 6 o'clock in the morning. No one is up. For a brief hour or 8o there is peace. But pres- ently Miss Larkspur—the jolly Eng- lish girl who arrived last week—wiil throw open her casement window and call across the lawn, “Hullo every- body! What a ripping morning!"—and young Poppleton will call back in a Swiss yodel from somewhere in the shrubbery, and Beverly-Jones will ap- pear on the plazza with big towels round his neck and shout, “Who's coming for an early di And so the fun and jollity—Heaven help will begin again Presently they will all come troop. ing in to breakfast, in colored blazers and fancy blouses, laughing and grab- bing at the food with mimic rudeness and gales of hilarity. And to think that 1 might have been breakfasting at my club with the morning paper propped against the coffee-pot, in a silent room in the quiet of the city! I repeat that it is my own fault that I am here. For many years it had been a principle of my life to visit nobody. I had long since learned that visit- ing only brings misery. If 1 got a card or telegram that sald, “Won't you run up to the Adirondacks and pend the week-end with us?”’ I sent back word: “No, not unless the Adi rondacks can run faster than I can.” If the owner of a country house wrote to me: “Our man will meet you with & trap any afternoon that you care to name,” I answered, in sub- stance at least: “No, he won't not unless he has a beartrap.” If any fashionable lady friend wrote to me in the peculiar jargon that they use “Can you give us from July the twelfth at half-after-three till the fourteenth at four?” I replied: ““Madam, take the whole month. a year—but leave me in peace. * o ox ¥ take SUCH at least was the spirit of my answers to invitations. In prac. tice I used to find it sufficient to send a telegram that read: “Crushed with work, impossible to get aw: and then stroll back into the reading room of the club and fall asleep again But my coming here v fault. It resulted from one of those unhappy moments of expansiveness such as occur, I imagine to evervbody. That at any rate was the kind of mood that 1 was in swhen I met Bev. rly-Jones and when he . asked here. In shaking hands at leaving, he sald: “I do wish, old chap, that you could run up to our Summer piace and give us the whole of June!” and I answered, as I shook him warmly | by the hand: “My dear fellow, I'd simply love to!” “By gad, then, it's a go!" he sald. “You must come up for June, and wake us all up! Wake them up! Ye god wake them up! One hour later 1 Me, was repenting of my folly. Then I clung to the hope that Beverly-Jones would forget. But no. In due time his wife wrote | to me. They were lookin, forward so much, she said. to my visit: they fel he renested her huslend and if you don’t mind I would like to exchange them for a real comfort able box hammock (Copyright, 1925.) as my own | Guest Wins His Freedom Story of the Desperate Stroke That Was Made Necessary by an Oversupply of Hospitality at the Fashionable Summer Home. ‘7ERA !.AEAP LIKE A YOUNG PORPOISE, DO NOT YODEL, DARE NOT SI ominous phrase—that I should wake them all up! What sort of alarm-clock did they take me for, anyway! Ah, well! They know better now. It was only yesterday afternoon that Beverly-Jones found me standing here in the gloom of some cedar-trees be- side the edge of the pond and took me back so quietly to the house that I realized he thought I meant to drown myself. So I did. T could have stood it better—my coming here, I mean—if they hadn’t come down to the station in a body to meet me—silly-looking men in colored blazers and girls with no hats, all making a hullabaloo of welcome. “We are quite a small party,” Mrs. Beverly-Jones had written. Small party, indeed! Why, after six days there are still some of the idiots “whose names I haven't got straight! Somehow from could feel that the very first I Beverly-Jones was disappointed in me. He said nothing. But I knew it. On that first after- noon, between my arrival and evening dinner, he took me about his place, to_show it to me I wish that at some proper time 1 had learned just what it is that say when a man shows you about place. ‘These big gates,”” said Beverly- Jones. “we only put up this year.” 1 said, “Oh.” (Why shouldn’t they put them up this yvear?) “We had quite a struggle.” he continued, “before we finally decided on sandstone.” I said “You did, eh?” ¢ lawn,” “we laid down th. said Beverly-Jones, e first year we were here. He looked me right in the face as he said it and I looked straight | back him, but I saw no reason to_challenge his statement. I could feel that Beverly-Jones grew depressed as he showed me ‘round. 1 was sorry for him, but un- able to help = A YlZT how simple a thing it seems when done by others. | difference | Jon at once when Beverly- s took round voung Poppleton. hese big gates.” began Beverly- Jones as he showed Poppleton round the place with me trailing b | them, “we only put up this year.” | _Poppleton, who has a Summer place |of his own. looked at the gates very | critically. “Now. do you know what I'd have done with those gates, if they were mine?"” he said I saw the | de | No," said Beverly-Jones. “I'd have set them two feet wider apart; they're too narrow, old chap, too narrow." Poppleton shook his head sadly at gates. “We had quite a strug- sald Beverly-Jones, “hefore we finally decided on sandstone. “Great mistake,” said Poppleton “Too soft. Look at this"—here he prior to 11 a.m. is inspportable; when I can no longer leap and play in the water like a young porpoise; when I do not yodel, dare not sing and, to my regret, dance worse—if that is possible—than I did when young. Madam, 1 am unfit to be a_Summer guest. If this is Liberty Hall indeed, let me, oh, let me go!” Such is the speech T would make if that were possible. As it is I can only rehearse it to myself. * k% OWEVER, I can speak of it all now in quiet retrospect and without bitterness. It happened last Jones took me aside. “We're planning to have some rather good fun tomorrow night,” he sald, “something that will be a_good deal’ more in your line than a lot of it, I'm afraid, has been up here.” “Oh,” I said. “We're going to get all the peo ple from the other houses over and night. Beverly the gir this term Beverly-Jones to mean his wife and her friends re going to get up a sort of en- ainmer all impro; course “Oh,” 1 said, I s coming. “And th charades and things, more or less, of i saw already what E want to act as a you sort of master-of-cermonies, to make up the gags and introduce the dif- ferent stunts and all that. I was telling the girls about that afternoon at the club when vou were simply killing us all with those funny storie: of all wild over it They say ill be the hit of the Summer.” Beverly-Jones shook hands with great warmth as we parted for the picked up a big stone and began pounding at the gate-post. ‘“See how easily It chips! Smashes right off Look at that—the whole corner knocks right off, see!” standing, a kind of of unde masonry, mer pla One shows his things the other runs them down, and breaks them. easy at once. Beverly-Jones showed his lawn Your turf is all wrong, old boy | said Poppleton “Look! it has no body to it. See, I can kick holes in it with my heel. Look at that, and that! If T had on stronger boots I could kick this lawn ail to pieces.” Beverly-Jones showed his new boat house next and Poppleton knocked a hole in the side with a hammer to how that the lumber was too thin. If that were my boathouse.” he said, I'd rip the outside clean off it and use shingle and stucco.” first to imagine Beverly-Jones' thing: his own, and then to smash them, and | pleton, after an hour or so of it, were delighted with one another. Yet somehow, when I trfed it my- self, it failed to work “Do vou know what T would do with that cedar Summer-house if it was mine?” I asked my host the next da; Xo,” he said “I'd set off a can of blasting powder {under it,” T answered. | Jones looked hurt. Not that these people are not doing |all they can for me. They are trying | their best. “This is Liberty Hall," Mrs. Beverly-Jones said to me on the first day of my visit. “We want you to feel that you are to do absolutely as you lik Absolutel s T like! |like to have answered: But Beverly How I should “Madam, 1 human society possible to me at breakfast im I began to see that there is a sort | free | among men who have Sum. | This makes the whole thing| It was, I noticed, Poppleton’s plan | then give them back smashed to! Beverly-Jones. This seemed to please them both. Beverly-Jones and Pop-. have now reached a time of life when | is | night. I knew that he was thinking that my character was about to be triump vindicated. Last night 1 did not sleep. But never mind 1t is nearly over now. I | have come down to this quiet water |in the early morning to throw myself fn. They will find me floating here among the s. Some few will un is this? I see Beverly- approaching from the house. His face looks grave. Some- thing has happened. Thank God, something has happened. Some ac | cident! Some t | prevent the char: Something to WRITE these last few lines on a fast train that is carrying me | Pack to New York—a cool, comfortable | train, with a deserted club-car where | T can sit in a leather armchair, with my feet up on another, silent, and at peace. Villages, farms and Summer places are fi. g by Let them fly. I, too. am fl back to the rest and quiet of the cif “Old man smoking, ' Beverly-Jones had said, he laid his hand on mine very kindly (he s a decent fellow, after all, is Jones), “they’re calling you by long-distance from New York." What is it?" I asked, or tried to gasp ‘It's bad news, old chap—fire in vour office last evening—I'm afraid a ot of your € papers were | burned. “Rob that's your head | clerk, isn't it?—seems to have been on the spot trying to save things. He's | badly singed about the face and hands. { I'm afraid you must go at once.” “Yes, ves,” I said, “at once.” And so here I am in the train, safe bound for home and the Summer quiet of my club, Well done for Robinson! T was afraid that it had missed fire, or that {my message to him had gone wrong. of cou I can't let the Beverly {Joneses know that it was a putup job. T must set fire to the office as oon as I get back. But it’s worth t. And I'l about | worth that have to singe Robinson the face too! and hands. But it's Tricks of Policeman’s Trade Taught In New York Lead to Undying Notoriety BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: A man like I that has got a house full of chil- dren or kiddles as the case may be can’t help from giving a whole lot of thought to the school question and where to send them to school and ete. and the Mrs. keeps after me to put what some call my mind on the subject and come to some decision and we was talking it over the other night and I said you know it will cost hundreds of dollars 1o send them anywheres and she says ves but we have got to send them somewheres if only to relieve the con- gestion at home and if you don't send them somewheres it will cost hun- dreds of dollars just the same because we will half to hire 7 or 8 policemens 1o regulate traffic right here in the house because the way it Is now you can't walk from one room to another without indulging in football tactics and we could send them to school for the same amt. of money which we would otherwise half to pay out for salary for traffic policemens because traffic policements nd in 't police- inens of all kinds is a high salary pro- fession. Well a little wile after this T was talking to one of the kiddies themselfs and I asked him what he wanted to be when he growed up and he said he would like to be a policeman and all “WOULD YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE AND DROP THE BABY AND JUMP IN AND SAVE THE WOMAN?” of a sudden I had a idear namely that if policemens ix such a high salary profession and If the boy wanted to be one of them why not send him to the N. Y. school for policemens which 1 had read about same in the papers and this way you would be killing sev- eral birds with one and the same namely get him out of the send him to school and learn him a profession which was not only his favorite profession, but a profes- sion which the rewards of which is wealth and undying notoriety. But come (o find out the school _“I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO DO WHEN HE GROWED UP. referred to don’t take in nobody as young as my little ones and in fact it ain’t got no kindergarten or primary grades but was organized by Commis- sioner Enright of the N. Y. police force to train men that is already po- licemeng to be better policemens and learn common patrolmens to be ser- geants, lieutenants and finely cap- tains of police. It seems they's a lot more to ad- vancing in the police profession than Just serving a certain number of yrs. in this or that capacity, and unless you show ability and get the right kind of education you will be a patrol- man all your life and never a officer. The people that runs the school makes a effort to find out which is the most likeliest pupils and then they give them special training to fit them for officers like the officers training schools in the Army. 1 was not able to get much informa- tion in regards to the courses of study, but I presume that one of the first things they try to learn them is to not arrest the wrong man, though in greater N. Y. you can't hardly make a mistake and a specially in Brooklyn, where pretty near anybody can be arrested with reason, and they say » ’ that when a policemen, or a pillow of the law, as some calls them, starts dashing down the street in Brooklyn like as if he was after somebody they ain't a man, woman or child that don't skurry to the nearest hiding place. But once in a wile in the more genteel precincts of the metropolis a dumb blue coat gets into their head to pinch say a total stranger for beat- ing a woman and find out later that At was his wife and he knowed what he was doing, and besides that she liked it, so the city gets sewed for false arrest all because the policemen was too dumb to tell the difference between work and play. The school probably learns you how to distinguish between wifes and women, husbands and friends, petty thiefs and bank messengers and etc., and when the pupil gets 8o as he can make these distinctions at a, glance he is promoted to a sergeant, with permission to grow a mustache. * Kk % ART of the curriculum is no doubt made up of what is known as hypothetical questions like as follows: “If you was walking on your beat m;uwemubflkom‘{wlhu ‘was a beautiful woman strolling along and dangling a purse in her hand and all of a sudden a tough egg jumped out of the alley and grabbed the purse and run as fast as he could run (1) would you diagnose it as justifiable embezziement or a mild flirtation and | (2) which of the 2 would you chase, | he or she?” Or “Suppose you was standing on Riverside drive and they was a woman and a baby in arms and the woman handed you the baby and asked you would you promise to hold it a wile and you promised and then the woman throwed herself in the river and was drowning, would you break vour promise and drop the baby and jump in and save the woman or would you try and sell the baby a ticket to the Policemens field day at Jamaica?” But, of course, the most important courses at the policemens school would half to be language and elocu- tion with gestures. A policeman won't never get nowheres if he can't insult private citizens and insult them so0 loud and in such novel terms that a big crowd will gather round to cheer. When you can talk rough enough so that you can make a old lady cry with one sentence you are ready for promotion to lieutenant at lease. One of the other main duties of a policeman in N. Y. now days is to know by instinct just the instant that the public has mastered the latest traffic rules so that he can report to headquarters and get them changed. These and many other tricks of the trade is learned to pupils in the new school, and T only wished they would of left my little boy matriculate, as he takes after his mama and would make a great captain of police. Slang of Flyers. JUST as the Army and Navy have their speclal slang expressions, so the Air Service has developed a vo- cabulary all its own, says Popular Me- chanics. An officer who cannot fly is known as a “kiwi,” after the New Zea- land bird with undeveloped wings. “Ground flying” describes talk about flying, a man is in a “flat spin” when he becomes confused in conversation, and if a speaker at a banquet talks too long, he is given a gentle hint to “land” by making the letter “T" of two matches, the outline of a plane. ““Washed out” is the aviator’'s equiva- lent for getting killed and ‘“cracked up” means wrecked. Anti-aircraft guns are called “Archies.” prop” s short for propeller and give ‘er the gun" is the aerial equiv- alent of the motorist's “step on the gas.” To ‘“‘set down” is to land, but if a fiyer falls a few feet when run- ning parallel to the ground, he “pan- cakes.” Training planes with Hispano- Suza motors are called ‘“hisse: “Jenny's is a plane with a JN-type motor. The “barrel roll” is a complete revolution lengthwise, “zooming” is to climb sharply for a short period, and ‘“sausage” is the name for a small dirigible or balloon. i If You Don’t Know About It, Says Finnegan, It Is Quite Likely It’s Against the Law" BY SAM HELLMAN. T SAYS in_the paper,” T re- marks’to “High Dome” Finne gan, “that they was some 38, 000-0dd new laws introdyced in the different legislatures so far this year.” “Yeh," grunts Finnegan. “and_that reminds me of a bloke that went into a restaurant once and ordered two por- tions of ham and eggs. His eyes were bigger than his tummy, and he left one order untouched. The waiter no- ticed this, so he went back to the kitchen and brung the customer three more orders of hog and hen fruit.” “You mean,” I comes bacls getting Jerry quick in his similes, “that we is got more laws now than we know what to do with? “You musg have done some pruning on your top branches lately,” con- gratulates “'High Dome.” “Your brain ain't all dead yet. Yep. that's what 1 mean. As far as knowing what to do with the laws we got now is con- cerned, why, the average bim hasn't even heard that one-tenth of 1 per cent of them is on the books.” “If you know that,” I comments, “the fact must be common gossip. How comes it they keep on introduc- ing new ones if we got “They is two reasons,” cuts in Fin- negan, ‘‘the first of 'em being that the assemblies are cluttered up with law- vers, and them lads make a living out of the mystic muss of laws on the books. The more laws, the more trouble people get into with the John Bulls and Jack Laws. Fifty vears ago if a intelligent guy was pinched by the coppers he knew what he was run in for. Today a feller could take a walk through the park with a prayer book in one hand and a lighted bamboo cane in the other and get arrested three times before he got back home if he happened to meet a bluecoat who knew all the laws, which, fortu- nately, they ain’t none that does. A dick I know down the line was telling me the other day that you ain't taking any chances making a pinch these days. There's always some law that a bird can be held on, no matter what he’s doing.” ‘Ain’t you kissed your subject by- by?” says I. “You was talking about lawyers, wasn't you" “Lawyers and cops,” returns “High Dome,” “what’s the difference? One of 'em slaps you in the hoosegow and the other figures up reasons for keep- ing you there. You can't blame the mouthpieces in the legislature none for making work for theirselves and fat fees. T imagine if 75 per cent of the members of the legislature were doctors they'd pass laws making you see a sawbones at least three times a month, putting a minimum charge of $500- on a vaccination and making it a felony not to have a major op- eration at least twice a year.” * X ok % ¢¢J SUPPOSE,"” I remarks, “if a ma- jority of them legislature babies ‘were bricklayers they'd pass a law making it a crime for a hobo in the union to lay more'n one brick a day.” “Sure,” asserts Fmnegan, “and if they were plumbers they'd make it a (43 “THERE'S ALWAYS SOME LAW THAT A BIRD CAN BE HELD ON, NO MATTER WHAT HE'S DOING. high crime for a plumber to bring his tools with him. However, that's the way things is in this world. John Smith looks out for John Smith, and Henery Jones can take a run and jump with himself. “What,” I asks, “‘was that other reason you spoke of for having so many new laws?" “New members of the Legislature,” explains “High Dome." “What's the difference,” I inquires, ‘between the new ones and old ones?" “Well." answers Finnegan, “the old babies: that has got their jobs cinched don't work theirselves into a sweat at the sessions, but the new birds that has got a reputation to make is al- cays on their toes with new laws. If don’t introduce an average of half a dozen bills a day they figure the one:gallus boys back home will figure they're loafing on the job and give them the raus at the next elec- tion. I don't know if they is any fig- ures, but I'll bet that 90 per cent of the stuff introduced in legislatures is shot into the hopper by first-year lads.” ‘They get some good ones in, once ‘| in a while, don’t they?” I asks. “Not so far,” shoots back “High Dome.” “They is mostly silly laws that the boys figure'll crash the front pages of the city papers for them. The real important stuff is framed up by & couple of the blg committees whls is uswally run by some hard- boiled wampuses that’s been o Job long enough to know better. “If the bills them new bozos spring are all the bunk,” Iwant to know, “how do they get passed?” “Trading, kid,” explains Finnegan. “Trading. Bill Gluff, of Blivins Coun- ty, is got a set of pet bills, and so has Jim Woosit, of Blind-County. Gluff says to Whoosit, ‘You scratch my back, and I'll do the same for yours’, and that goes for the rest of the Gluffs and the Whoosits in the Legis lature. There's always enough gt in the assembly, with records to make back home, to go in on a trade and put the program over. The old wise. heads can't afford to interfere on ac- count of the fact that the young uns might crab the act on the big appro- priation *bills and the etc. ‘Besides are usually got their eye on some big stake job, and they can't take a chance of offending some bimbo that might carry a county in his pocket. It's all politics and fence building the pro-bonehead publico is the goat, as per usual.” * ¥ Rik SWWELL,” says I, “it 'don’t make no difference how many laws they is on the books if they don't enforce them.” “That’s true in a way,” admits ‘High Domd¢ but it's pretty tough to have some bright young prosecut- ing attorney with a grudge against that, the big guys in the legislature | and | vou dig up a law nobody ever heard of and plaster a fat fine on you. “Just the same,” I insists, boy behaves hisself and don't take nothing that a his'n and don't bother the neighbors none ain't gonna get_in no jams.” “No?" comes back “High Dome." “I read a st once about a guy that pulled the same kinda crack to a lad who was a lawyer guy. They made a little bet, and that afternoon th® wise bobo was pinched four times, and when he got home that night he found that his wife had been pinched twice, as well. Vhat'd she do?” T inquires. She was run in for once,” returns Finnegan, “for leaving the top of the can open and another time king across a lot in the corner that didn’t belong to her. It did be long to the lawver lad, and he had | her pinched for trespassing. Her hus band was arrested for crossing the street diagonally, expectorating on the sidewalk, standing at a busy corner talking with three other men for half an hour, making it an unlawful sembly and keeping one of the gir in the fatcory working five minute overtime.”" s that a crime?” I asks “In that State,” says “High Dome." “it was unlawful to work a girl over 16 overtime. 1 wouldn't be surprised if you were committing some kind of a crime right now.” “I know it,” I snaps. “I'm listening to you, ain 2 World's Oldest Forest. A HUNDRED million years ago many millions of years before man himself appeared on tne earth, there grew a forest near what i3 now Gilboa, N. Y. Dr. John M. Clarie, New York State geologist and pale- ontologist, pronounced this grove the oldest known forest. He has resur- rected it from the remains in the rocks, and he finds these ancient trees to have been imuch like modern tree ferns, probably attaining heights of 50 feet or more. The Cost of a Dollar. CCORDING to Charles S. Dewey. Assistant Secretary of the Treas- . it _costs 17-10 cents to print a dollar bill, and it has a very short life. But a silver dollar can be minted for 1 cent, and it lasts indefinitely. This Is said to be one of the reasons for the Government's desire to put the metal coins into circulation, It is estimated that 40,000,000 silver dollars, replacing that many paper bills, would save the Government $1,000,000 & year. To Keep Brushes Soft. AINT and varnish brushes that are used only occasionally should be hung in a jar of kerosene, accord- ing to the recent recémmendation of the United States Bureau of Stand- ards' paint specialists. Each brush should be hung in the jar so that the bristles are entirely covered by the kerosene.