Evening Star Newspaper, August 14, 1921, Page 55

MR. DOWNEY SITS JACOB DOWNEY waited in line at the meat shop. A footsore little man was he. All day long, six days a week for twenty-two gears, he had stood on his feet, trotted on them, climbed on them, in the hardware department of Wilbram, Prescott & Co., and still they would not toughen; still they Would hurt: still to sustain his spirit after 3 o'clock he had to invoke a vision of slippers, the Evening Bee. and the youngsters. To the picture this even- ing he had added pork chops. The woman next in line ahead of him named her meat. Said the butcher, with a side glance at the ¢ Sympathy of Mrs. Downey and the Dotk A Sfown Toast takes quite a while, lady. Could 1 send it in the morning?" No, the lady wished to see it pre- pared. Expressly for that purpose had she come out in the rain. To- morrow she gave a luncheon. “First come, first served.” thought Jacob Downey, and bode his time in patience, feeling less pity for his | aching feet than for Butcher Myers. Where was the charity in asking a hurried man at five minutes to 6 o'clock to frill up a roast that would not see the insifie of the oven before noon next day? Now, crown roasts are one thing to him who waits on fallen arches, and telephone calls are another. Scarcely had Downey's opening come, 1o speak for pork chops cut medium, when off went the bell and off rushed Butcher Myers. Sharply he warned the unknown that this was Myers' meat shop. Blandly he smiled into the transmit- ter upon learning that his caller was Mrs. A. Lincoln Wilbram. By the audience in front of the counter the follpwing social intelli- gence was presently inferred: That Mr. and Mrs. Wilbram had | just arrived from Florida; that they had enjoyed themselvesever so much: that they hoped Mr. Myers’ little girl | was better; that they were taking their meals at the Clarendon pending the mobilization of their house-ser- vants; that tney expected to dine witn_the Mortimer Trevelyans this evening: that food for the dog may Wit propricty be brought home from a hotel, but not from the Mortimer Trevelyans: that there was utterly nothing in the ice box for poor Musge's supper; that Mudge was a chow dog purchased by a friend of Ar. Wilbram's in Hongkong at so much a pound. just as Mr. Myers' pur- chased live fowls: that Mudge now existed not to become chow but to consume chow, and would feel grate- ful in his dog heart if Mr. Myers woyld, at this admittedly late hour, send him two pounds of bologna and a good bone: and that Mrs. Wilbram Would consider herself under deep and lasting obligation to Mr. Myers for this act of kindness. Mr. Myers assured Mrs. Wilbram that 1t would mean no trouble at all; he would send up tiie order as soon as his boy came back from delivering a beef- steak to the Mortimer Trevelyans. He filled_out a slip and stuck it on the hook. ow, he sald. briskly. But Jacob Downey gave him one tremendous look and limped out of the shop. Mr. Downey,” * k X ¥ T was evening in the home. of Miss Angelina Lance. Twenty-seven hours had passed since Jacob Dow- ney's exasperated exit from Myers' * meat shop. The eyes of Miss Ange- lina were bright behind her not un- becoming spectacles as she watched the face of the solemn young man in the Morris chair near the reading lamp. S In his hand the solemn young man held three sheets of school composi- tion paper. writing on page 1 he lost his gravity. Over page 2 he smiled broadly. At the end of the last page he said: “D. K. T. couldn’t have done better. May I show it to him?" In the office of the Ashland (N. J.) Bee the solemn yo#ng man was known as Mr. Sloan. At Miss Lance’s he was Sam. The mentioned D. K. T. con- ducted the celebrated “Bee-Stings” column on the editorial page of Mr. Sloan’s journal, his levity being off- set by the sobriety of Mr. Sloan, who ‘was assistant city editor. On two evenings a week Mr. Sloan fled the cares of the Fourth Estate and became Sam in the soul-refresh- ing presence of Miss Angelina. He was by no means ner only male ad- mirer.” In the sixth grade at the Hill- cate public school she had thirty | others; among these Willie Downéy whose name appeared on every page of the composition Mr. Sloan had read. With a host of other sixth-graders throughout the city Willie had styiven that day for a prize of ten dollals in gold offered by the public-spirited A. Lincoln Wilbram, of Wilbram, Prescott & Co., for the best school- boy essay on moral principles. “Moral principles, gentleme! that what we need in Ashland. How v many men do you know_ who stand = up for their convictions—or have any to stand up for?” If the head of a department store is a bit thunderous at times. think what a Jovian position he occupies In his cloud-girt, mahogany-paneled throne room on the eighth floor he rules over a thousand mortals, down to the little Jacob Downeys in the basement, who, if they do not quite weep with delight when he gives them a smile. tremble, at least. at his. frown. When a large body of popular opinion accords his greatness. As he read the pencil|qyp BUTCHER SMILED BLANDL INTO THE TRANSMITTER. were he not undemocratic to affect humility and speak small? “I speak of common men,” said Mr. Wilbram (this was at a chamber of commerce banquet); ‘of men whose living depends upon the pleasure of their superiors. How few there are with fearless eye!” He scarcely heard the laughter from a group of building contractors at a side table, who had not seen a servile eye among their workmen in many moons; for a worthy project had popped into his mind at that instant. How was the moral packbone of our yeomanry to be stiffened save through education? Why not a prize contest to stimulate the interest of the rising generation in this obsolete subject? In many an Ashland home where bicycles, roller skates, wireless out- fits and other such extravagances were strongly desired, the question had since been asked: “Pa, what are ‘moral principles?’ While some of the resulting essays indicated a haziness in paternal minds, not so the produc- tion that Mr. Sloan read In Miss Lance’s parlor. “But I couldn’t let you print it said Miss Angelina. “I wouldn’t have Willle shamed for anything. He may be weak in grammar, but he is captain of every athletic team in the school. He has told me in con- fidence that he means to spend the prize money for a genuine horsehide catching mit.” “If I cross out his name, or give him a nom de plume?” On that condition Miss Lance con- sented. A’r the office next morning Sloan found the essay in his pocket and looked around the city room for D. K. T. The staff poet clown was * % % % JACOB DOWNEY BODE, HIS TIME DESPITE HIS ACHING FEET. no daylight saver; professing to burn the midnight ofl in the interest of his employer, he seldom drifted in before, half-past 9. “See me. S. S." wrote Sloan. and dropped W'llie's manuscript on D. K. T.'s desk. Then he jumped ahd gasped. and copy readers and office boys jumped and gasped, and the religious editor i dached frantically for the stairs. out- jrunning the entire staf down the hall, though he had further to go than any cther man or woman there. 'A huge, heart-stopping shock had rocked the building, set the windows to clat- tering and the lights to sw'nging, and brought down in a cloud the ac- cumulated dust of a quarter century. Within_two minutes by the clock Sloan and five reporters fiad started for the scene of the Rutland disaster, fifteen miles away, where enough giant powder had gone up ‘n one petrific blast to raze Glbraltar. A 'DOWN out in the papers and losing me my best customers! Whaddye meap?” Back came the retort from Jacob Downey with the snarl of a little creature at bay. s “If I didn’t say it to you then, you big lobster, I say it to you now. Al that the paper says said I say. ‘What'll you do about it?" “Hah! You! Myers snapped his fingers in Downey's flery face and turned away. Miss Lance's path’ to the Hilldale School next morning took her past three post boxes. Into the third she dropped a note that she had carried from home. Mr. Sloan would,find her message exceedingly brief! al- though (or perhaps, because) she had spent hours in composing it. Dear Sir: I regret to discover that you lack moral principles. ANGELINA LANCE. Just before the last bell, the jani- tor brought In a prisoner for her custody. Willie Downey's head was bloody but unbowed; three sev- enth graders he had vanquished in one round.* “They guyed me,” said he. “They called me a Nawthor." Morning prayer and song waited while teacher and pupil spoke ear- nestly of many things; while teacher’s eyes filled with tears, and the pupil’s heart filled with high re- solve to bring home the base ball champlonship of the Ashland Public School League and lay It at Miss An- gelina’s fket, or perish In the attempt. * ok ok % THE A. Lincoln Wilbram prize went to a small boy named Aaron Le- vinsky, whose English was ninety- nine per cent pure. Little Aaron’s essay was printed as the centerpiece in Wilbram, Prescott & Co.'s page in the BEE; little Aaron invested his the | Little Sketch Chuck of Real ‘Humor dapper one briskly. “I represent the Jones-Nonpareil Newspaper Syndicate. In fact, I am Jones. 1 have & propo- sition to make to you, Mr. D. K. T., that may enable you to buy more books than you can ever read. You know, of course, what the Jones-Nonpareil serv- ice is. We reach the leading dailies of the United States and Canada—"" “Have a chair, Mr. Jones. “Thank you. 'We handie some very successful writers. Malcomb Hardy, you may have heard, takes his little five hundred a weck out of us; and poor Larry Bonner pulled down eleven hundred ‘as long as he had health, His Chinese laundryman sketches might be selling yet. “Suspense is cruel,” spoke D. K. T., eagerly. “Let the glad news come. ‘Some time ago," said the syndi- cdte man, “you printed in your col- umn an essay in imitation of a schoolboy’s. You called it Moral Prin- ciples.” . D. K. T. sank back with a low moan. It you can write six of those a week for a year,” continued the vis- itor, “you won't ever need to slave any more. You-can burn your pen and devote the rest of your life to golf and good works.” The poet closed his eyes. “Sham, swam, diagram,” he murmured, Does a minimum gurrantee of |fifteen thousand a year look like any- thing to you? There will, of course, be the book rights and the movie rights in addition.” & &5 nagra: epigram, telegras " cried D, K. T. He wrote it down, “That little *skit of yours,” pur- sued the caller, “has swept the comn- try. You have created a nation-wide By L. H. ROBBINS!“We demand. My finger is on the journal- gold in thrift-stamps, and the tumult and the shouting died. Miss Angelina Lance sat alone every evening of the week. True, Mr. Sloan had tried to right the wrong: he had called Miss Angelina on the telephone. thriving town lay in ruins; hundreds of families were homeless; a steam- ship was sunk at her dock; a passen- ger train blown from the rails. At 11 o'clock on the night following that pitiful day Sloan journeyed homeward tp Ashland in an inter- urban trolley car in company with a crowd of refugees. A copy af the last edition of the Bee comforted his weary soul. The first page was a triumph. Count | on the office to back up its men in the field! There was the whole story. the whole horror and heartbreak, finely displayed. There were his pho- tographs of the wreckage: there, in a box. was his !nterview with the su- perintendent of the Rutland Company: there was a map of the devastated area. Perhaps some one had found time even to do an editorial; in that case the clean-up would be com- plete. Opening the paper to the sixth page, he groaned; for the first thing that caught his eye was Willie Downey's | essay. at the top of D. K. T.'s column. ,wun Willie's name below the head- line. MOREL PRINSAPLES. BY WILLIE DOWNEY. Age 12 Morel Prinsaples is when you have a nerve to stick up for some thing. Like last night my Father went in Mires meet shop & stood in line 16 or twenty min. wateing his tirn & when his tirn come he says to mr. Mises Ile have 6 porc chops. at that inst. the telaphone wrang & mr. Mires slidd for it like it was 2nd |look base. Hold on Mires says Pa, who got here 1st, me or that bell wringer. Igscuse me just 1 min. says Mr. mires. Pa, 1st come lst bizness all over.” [apern_& ansered the wring & it was mrs. out at a frends so she wanted 2 lbs, e. So then Pa give him hale columbus. *‘Here I bin wateing 3 an our he said, et when some lazy lofer of a woman has Been reading a novvle or a sleep all after foon pfhones you to rush her up some dog meet in youre Autto with gass 36 cts. & charge it to her acct. & may be you wont get youre munny for three 4 months, Wy you run to wate on her while I stand & shovle my feet in youre saw dust like a ding mexican pea own or_some thing. i What says Pa is there about a cussta- mer who takes the trubble to come for his meet & pay cash for it & dellvvers it him self that maiks him so Meen & Lo that he, hass to be pushed one side for some body that has not got Gufnp- shun enoughf to order her dog bones | before the rush our? Do you think that people with a tela- pfhone’s munny is any better than mine, do you think because 1 walk in here on my hine leggs that I am a piker & & cheep skait, because if so I will bring along my telapfhone contract nex time & show ypu & then may be you will reckonnize me as a free born american who dont haff to trald where I haff to play 2d fiddle to a chow pupp. Its agenst my morel prinsaples says Pa.’ ‘With theas wirds he walks out in the rane although his feet hurt him clear down to washington St. to the nex meet store, but by that time they were all cloased up so we had prinsaples for sup- per insted of porc chops. Pa says if he run a store & had a pfhone & no body to anser it & do noth- ing else he would ring its neck, be- cause while the telapfhone is the gratest blesing. of the aige, but a pfhone with out an opperater is like a ham ommalet with the ham let out. He says the rea- son the Chane Storés have such a pull with the public is because the man be. hine the counter is not all the time Jilt- ing you in the middle of your order & chacing off to be sweet to some society dame with a dog 4 miles away. Ma sayx she dont kno why we have a pfhone any how becuase every time she is youseing it a wo- man buts in & jiggles the hook & says will you pleas hang up so I can call a Dr. & when Ma han up & then lissens in to see who is sick, wy this woman_ calls up a frend & they nock Ma back & 4th over the wyre for ours & some times they say I bet she is lissening in dn us dont you. So_as I say let us all stick up for our Morel Prinsaples like my Father come what may. * *® * % BRIGHT wete Miss Angelina’s eyes, but not with mirth. It was un- speakable, this thing that Mr. Sloan had done. Thrice before bedtime she called his lodgings. Mr. Sloan was not in. Before the last call, she donned her wraps and went out to Plume street. Courageously she pulled the bell at number nine. Willie's mother opened the door and cried, 3 “Why! Miss Lance.", “Is Willle_here? Have you seen the paper? Will you let me tell him hov; it happened, ‘and how sorry I am?” Willie was not receiving callers this evening. He been sent to bed without supper.. The explosion at Rutland had been as nothing, it ;aamed, to the outburst in the Downey ome. Slowly the extent of the harm dawned upon Miss Angelina. “It was Mrs. .A. Lincoln Wilbram g:nted the dog bone,” said Mrs. wney, tearfully. “Everybody will recognize her; and what Mr. Wil- bram will do to_us we don’t need to be told. Poor Jake is so upset, he hy gone out to roam in the dark. He couldn’t stay in ¢he house.” 'w jobs were scarce for men at his time of life, and with his feet. Dore and Jennie might have to leave high school. “I'm_sure you meant us no wrang, Miss Lance; I'm sure there was a mistake. But think how dreadful it is, after twenty-two years of hav- ing Mr. Wilbram’s pay, then to turn around and backbite his wife like that, right out in print dDw“d anl:bleqtl BT.S Miss Lance e e lottorers i tne el B8t | The far-away look of genius faded |you hy: ering of loiterers in the avenue, witnessed a controversy that might' easily have become & police matter. “You're a liar if you say you said all that to me!” shouted the hr:x Butcher Myers. “You | your head, you shrimp! No_ I be ding if Ile igscuse you says |ed, served is the rool of | dog? But Mr. mires wyped his hands on his |him what he was driving a ‘ . Cross| 1 | sorbed never open: ¥ Bawling me which he should have known was an inadequate thing to do; he had also sent a ten-dollar banknote to Willie, in care of Miss Lance at the Hilldale school, together with his warm feli- citations upon Willie's success as a litterateur. Did Willie know that his fine first effort had been reprinted, with prlc;[l)s{'\cl:#l?ll. in the great NEW YORK NE' True, too, the fllustrious D. K. T. had written Miss Angelina an abject apology, most witty and poetic, tak- ing all the blame to himself and more than exonerating his high-principled friend Mr. Sloan. But the bank-note went back to its donor without even a rejection slip: and D. K. T's humor was fatal to his client's cause. Ghastly aré they who jest In the shadow of tragedy. Mr. Sloan and D. K. T. did not know, of course; Miss Angelina had not thought it of any use to tell them of the sword which they had hung up by a thread above the heads of the Downeys. As for Jacob Downey, he limped about amid his hardware in the base- ment at Wilbram, Prescott & Co.'s, careworn, haunted of eye, expecting the house to crash about his ears at any moment. One does mot with im- punity publish the wife of one's em- ployer as a lazy loafer. The A. Lincoln Wilbrams had serv- ants again and dined at home. To Mr. Wilbram said Mrs. Wilbram, one evening: “It is the strangest thing. In the t month I've met scarcely a soul who hasn't asked me silly questions about Mudge and his diet. Mrs. Trevel- yan and everybody. And they always 80 queer.” . Wilbram was reminded that while coming home that evening with a package in his hand he had met Trevelyan: and Trevelyan had inquir- hat's that? A bone for the ““Tomorrow,"” said A. Lincoln, “I'll ask “What was the package?' queried ‘Will Brum, she was going to eat|his wife. He fetched it from the hall. It had come to him at the store that day by registered mail. “From Hildegarde,” said Mrs. Wil- bram, noting the Los Angeles post- k. 0 T o ol L hsgermosn: | the happy bride: ‘“ ‘Dear Aunt and Uncle: “ ‘Charles and I see by the paper that Mudge is hungry, so we are sending him a little present.’ “What can the child mean, Abe?” “Don’t ask me,” he answered. “Un- do_the present and see.” They loosened blue ribbons and Tappings of soft paper, and disclosed link of bologna sausage. Maddening? It might have been, if Hildegarde had not thought to inclose w a “THEY GUYED ME,” SAID WILLIE. “THEY CALLED ME A NAWTHER.” a page from the Daily Southern Cali- fornian, upon which, ringed with pen- cfl marks, was a bit of miscellany, headed, “Morel Prinsaple They read it through to the con- clusion: So as T say let us all stick up for our Morel Prinsaples llke my Father come what may.—Willle Downey in Ashland (N. J.) Bee. “Why!—why—it's—it's me!”. cried Mrs. Wilbram. “I did telephone to Mr. Myers for two pounds of bologna and a dog bone—on the night we dined | at the Trevelyans't” i “It comes mighty close to libel,” fumed Wilbram. ‘How do they dare! You must see Worthington Oakes about this, Abe."” “Iscertainly will,” he vowed. * K k% HE certainly did, as Mr. Worthington Osakes, the publisher of the Bee, will testify. In the front office on the editorial floor he saw Mr. Oakes for a bad half hour, and demanded a public retraction 6f.the insult. At gbout the same time a dapper who had come up in the ele- vator with Mr. Wilbram held speech -with Assistant City Editor Sloan in the local room at the other end of the 1. \ n“"Yondor‘l your bird,” said Mr. Sloan, pointing to a poetic-looking young man at a desk in a corner. ing to the poet, who was ab- in_his day’'s poesy and. talking to himself as he versified, the stranger and spoke. T ng the _celebrated D. K. T." 2N “Am, cam, dam, damn, ham, jam, *“Not. " sald he. “My pay on i you book agents for ten years to come. Ma’ e P e Sl “IF 1 DIDN'T SAY IT THEN, I SAY IT istic pulse, and I know. Can you re- peat?” 2 He drew a paper from his pocket- oK. b “Here is_a list of subjects your imaginary Willie Downey might start with: The Monetary System; the Cost of Living; the League of Nations; | Capital and Labor—" Over the strangers head an office boy whispered significantly: “Front office.” “Excuse me,” sald the poet, hurried away. With the publisher in the front office, sat A. Lincoln Wilbram, quite purple in the checks. They had a file of the Bee before them. “Diedrick. said Mr. Oak sflzwul'lch 18 you printed this thin s finger rested on Willie's essay. “Why did you do it?” 4 “What's_the matter with it?" re- plied D. K. T. |~ “The matter with it.” spoke Mr Wilbram terribly, “is that it slanders my wife. It _makes her out to eat dog bones. Friends of ours as far away as California have seen it and recognized her portrait, your scurrilous pen. The worst of it is, the slander is founded on fact. By what right do you air my domes- tic affairs before the public in this outrageous fashion?" With_agonized eyes the funny man read the essay as far as the fate- ful line, “It was Mrs. Will Brum.” “My gosh!" he cried. “How did you come to write such a thing?’ Mr. Oakes demanded. “Me write that thing? If I only had!" The facts were recalled; the send- ing of Mr. Sloan and many report- ers to Rutland; the need of extra hands at the copy-table that day. “I found this contribution on my desk. It looked safe. In the rush of the morning I sent it up and never gave it another thought.” ‘So it is really a boy's essay, and not some of your own fooling?" asked Oakes. “A boy's essay, yes; entered in Mr. Wilbram's prize contest, eliminated by the boy's teacher and shown by her to Mr. Sloan, who brough it to he shop. I know now that Sloan meant me to change the author's name to save the kid from ridicule. If there were actual persons in it, I'm as amazed as Mrs. Wilbram.” “I wonder, Oak said Wilbram, “that a dignified newspaper like yours would print such trash, in the first b ‘Worthington Oakes looked down his nose. D. K. T. took up the chal- enge “Trash, Bir? If jt's trash, why has the Ashland Telephone ' Company asked permission to reprint it on the front cover of their next directory?” “Have they asked that?" “They have; they say they will put a little moral principle into the tele- phone hogs in this town. Apd didn't a 5th . avenue minister preach a Sermon on it last Sunday? Doesn't the Literary Review_ give it half a page this “week? Hasn't it been scissored by almost every exchange editor In the 1and? Isp't there a man in the city room now oftering me fif- teen thousand a year to write a daily screed like it “You can see, Wilbram,” said Mr. Oakes, “that there was no intention to injure or annoy. We are very sorry;- but how can we print an apology to Mirs. Wilbram without making t|:|e matter worse?” “Who this Willie Downey?” de- manded Wilbs Aot m. school teacher?” “I don't believe my moral princi- ples will let me teil you,” replied D. K. T. “I'm positive Mr. Sloan’s im. e recelved the es- Mr. Wilbram ex- and ng. day 1 don’t need your help, anyway. find out from the bgtcheg.‘" 4 * x x % “IT seemed necessary that Mr. Sloan should call af the Lance homé that evening. Whatever Miss Angelina might think of him, it was his duty to take counsel with her for the welfare of Willie. . He began with the least important of the grave matters upon his mind. Do you suppose your protege could ‘wrile sgme more essays like the one we printed?” “Why, Mr. Sloan?” rn drawn by | W] to you, | 12dy NOW. WHAT’LL YOU DO ABOLT IT?” flunked his English exam. today. I'm afraid I shall have him another year.” “He is a lucky boy," said Sloan. “Do you think s0? Clearly her meaning was, “Do you think he is lucky when a powerful news- { paper goes out of its way to crush him?" ““There s no use approaching him with a literary contract “Not with the base ball season just opening. His team beat the Watersides othing. He has more yesterday sixtee! important busin ing for newspapers. Since Sloan wsote for a newspa on hand than writ- per, this was rather a dig. Nevertheless he persevered. “*A. Lincoln Wilbram 1s on his trail Do you know that Willie libeled Mrs. ‘Wilbram?"* “Oh! libel. has he discovered?” “He came to the office gave him no information; the: urces. He is boun his_enemy before he quits. toda; o slander at first,” said she, name?"” “I found out when I went to them, on the night it come out in the paper. They were wotully frightened. They are frightened still. Mr. Downey has worked for Mr. Wilbram since he was a boy. They think of Mr. Wilbram almost as a god. It's—it's a tragedy, Sam, to them?” “Would it do any good to warn them?” “They need no warning,” said Miss Angelina. “Don’t add to their ter- rors.” “I am more sorry than I can say. May I hope to be forgiven some day? “There’s nothing to forgive, Sam. It was an accident. But don’t you see what a dangerous weapon & news- ‘paper is?” “Worse than a car or 2 gun,” he agreed. As he strolled homeward along a stately avenue, wondering what he could do to avert the retribution that moved toward the Downeys, and find- ing that h!s assistant city editor’s re- sourcefulness availed him naught, he heard the scamper of feet behind him and whirled about with cane upraised in time to bring a snarling chow dog to a stand. “Beat it, you brute!" he growled. “Yeowp!” responded the chow dog. and leaped in air. “Don’t be alarmed,” spoke a-voice out of the gloom of the nearest lawn. “When he sees a man with a stick the speaker’s face. “Isn’t this Mr. Wilbram? You were at the Bee office today, sir. May T have a word with you about the Willie Downey matter?” “Come in,” said Mr. Wilbram. * x ok % QF the first pay day in May the im- ' pending sword cut its thread.+ Said a messenger to Jacob Downey:: “They want you on the eighth floor.” Downey :set his jaws and followed. i In the mahogany-paneled room A. Lin- !coln Wilbram turned from the window and transfixed his servitor with eyes that bored like steel bits. “Downey, I understand you have a literary son. Jacob held his breath, eyed his accuser steadily, and assured himiself that it ‘would soon be over now. “How about it, Downey?"~ *I know what you mean, sir.” “Did you say the things printed there?” [ The little man wasted no time in examining the newspaper clipping. “Yes, sir, 1 did. If it has come to your 's ears what I called her, I her pardon. But what I said I'll s to. If 1 stand fifteen minutes in line in a meatstore or any other kind of store, T've got & t to be waited on ahead of anybody that rings up, I don't give a ding who she is.” *God for you, Downey. Let me see; 'w long have you worked for us?” - ““Twenty-three years next January, ‘Floor salesman all the while?” nce 1900. Before that I was a wrap- ‘How many men have been promoted over your head?” F: Thyee.r “Four,” Wilbram corrected. “First was e “I don’t count him, sir. Him and I Sam. Surely I know about the HBut is—is Mr. Wilbram really— We but he has to identify { *“I didn’'t know about the so-called ‘when J— you 'When I promised to change Willie's Live in Wonders,” i O THE editor—they was a man out to the house the other day that is different than most people on acet. of have-| ing something to say besides how to make gin and how hot it gets in summer and etc. and this man was in a jokeing mood and begin talking about death and he says he was not scared of dying itself but he hated to not be here 50 or 100 yrs. from now and see what the world will be like then as it made him sore to think that they would be a whole lot of improvements and etc. which he wouldn't be here to enjoy them. So I made the remark that I did not believe things could be improved much more as they are pretty near perfect all ready and about all the changes would be a few minor improvements the same like those which has took {place in the last 50 yrs. For inst. when 1 was a young man it was vs. the rules for a person to mention the word underwear in the presence of !the opp. sex and you had to pretend that what people wore between their iskin and their overcoat was a kind |of a mystery. devil was too rough and when you referred to the old bird you had to | call him the dickens or Lucifer. Now days some of the best people speaks of the devil and their underclothing without a quaver and I have even wrote a couple of pieces with the words h—1 and d—n In them and seen them come out in the paper that way instead of hades and darn. The word fool is another that has came into gen. usages but in my boy- hood days it wasn't never used be- cause a person that said it was sup- pose to be in danger of h—1 f—e. So 1 says that the next 50 vrs. would probably see a few more steps forward along these lines but outside of a couple minor details the old world would be going along about the same as at the present writeing and I thought a man wae pretty much of a crab if he was not perfectly satisfied with haveing lited in_the age in which we are liveing which I have nicknamed it the wonder age. * x * % GO he asked me what did I mean by wonder age and where was the! wonders, and I said 1 was surprised | that a bright man like he could not an- swer that question for himself and per- sonly I have kept a kind of a dairy of | some of the wonders that has come off around here in recent months so that some rainy P.M. 20 yrs. whence, when my grandchildern gets tired gnawing | my beard and #sks grandpa to tell them a story, I will have some to tell | tkem which will make their hair stand | on 1 end. - “Well,” says my friend, “leave us| pretend like this is 20 yrs. from now | and you are my grandfather and T am | some of your grandchildern and I have asked you to tell me & story.” “All right,” 1 says. “I will tell you | a story but it won't be no fairy story | jbut it will be a couple incidence that come off 20 yrs. ago and you may not | believe them but they are true.” | And in them days also the word | So I started in. About 20 yrs. ago I was liveing near | a place called New York and it was| a couple yrs. after the U. S. congress “WHEN MY GRANDCHILDREN an Age of Says Lardner Carpentier and charged $50 for the best seats to same and 100,000 paid to see the fight. The 200 Ib. champion knocked the little fellow out in 4 rds. and a great many of those who had paid to get in acted surprised. * % x % A few yrs. before this, they was a big colored man that’ was also a prize fighter and he done something that was ve. the law and the judge said be must go to jail and serve & turn, but instead of going to jail he run away out of the country and went to France where he stayed till the big war started and then he moved to Spain 80 as not to distract France's at- tentions off of the war. He was the champion prize fighter of the world but was starveing to death because he couldn't get no job that they wasn't some work connected with it. So he was tickled to death when they finely offered him a big purse to go to Cuba and fight a man named Willard. He was beat by Willard, but after- A “IT WAS JUNIPERBERRY SEA- SON AND I STAYED HOME AND PUT UP EIGHT QUARTS.” wards the papers said he come out and said it was a fake and he could of win if he wanted to. After a wile he got homesick and come back to the U. 8. and give himself up and they put him in jail where he served a yr. When he got out he come to New York and 10,000 admirers met him at the station and carried him off on their shoulders and give him a ban- quet. “Yes.” says my friend, “you are right and it is the wonder age and after all a man should ought to be perfectly satisfied to of lived in it. But if 1 was you I would not tell my grandch!ldren them storys because they will say, what about you grand- a? Was you one of the thousands that took part in them remarkable incidence?” “L will tell them the truth,” I says. <1 was amongst those present at the ght but 1 got in on an Annie Oak- ley. But the day Jack Johnson got to town and was give a banquet we was going to have Co. for dinner and I had to freeze the ice cream. And as wifz_| GETS TIRED GNAWING MY BEARD AND ASKS GRANDPA TO TELL THEM A STORY, I WILL TAKE CARE TO TELL THEM ONE WHICH WILL MAKE THEIR HAIR STAND ON ONE END.” had t a law vs. liquor and they was mmmonle that_did not like the law. So they wonde! what they would do about it and a man told them that if they would get up a parade and walk up the main st. of New York carrying banners with “Give us our Beer” and etc. on them, why congress would hear about it and maybe call the law off. So 15,000 people dressed up in comi- cal costumes and had signs painted and walked up the main st. of New York. But they had not went far when it begin to rain. And they all got wet outside. That is one story and here Is an= other. - Along about the same time they was a prize fighter named Jack Dempsey that was the best prise fighter in the world and had knocked out pretty near everybody in the world and weighed 200 Ibs. And they was another prize fighter named Geo. Carpentier that weighed 168 1bs. and had knocked out Joe Beckett and Croisilles and Dick Smith and Blink McCloskey and a man named Grund- hover. The names of his victims was as well known in the pugilistic world as mine is in the realms of polo. So the match makers made a2 match between the 2 fighters Dempsey and ——————————————— Downey, sick, dizzy, trembling, been running the department these teen years.” “How'd you like to run it from now as manager? When I find a man with convictions and couragq 1 advance him. The man who stands up is the man to sit down. That's evolution. If you could stand up to a big butcher iike Myers and talk Dutch to him the way you did, 1 guess we need you at a desk. What do you say?” . d chance to rest his feet! iffened. I—1-got to tell the things’ oy A 23 Jacob Downe “Mr. Wilbs 1 fut walked out Myers. st wal -’{suz you said them. You acknowledge to| rural population for the day when the boys and gals marched up main st. and got wet, why it was in the juniper berry season and I stayed home ant put up 8 gts.” RING W. LARDNER. Great Neck, Aug. 12. The Puffer. Among all the fishes, the puffer is sald to be the queerest. He has a short body, without scales, but he has spines on his back. He has loose folds of skin on the abdomen and he can ‘nfiate himself with air so that in addition to being called the “puff- er” he is also called the globe-fish and the balloon-fish. When he in- flates himself he floats on top of the sea and winds and currents take him along. E. W. Gudger of the Museum of Natural History at New York has said that the puffer's trick of inflat- ing himself is a means of protection against other fish. He says that an enemy fish would be greatly aston- ished to have a puffer swell to twice his_natural size in 2 moment, and, making itself round, only & very large fish would have “gape” enough to take it in, and to bite at it would merely turn it over or around or push it away. Some of the puffers grow to a length of three feet, but these are the giants of the tribe. Some are as small as the little finger of 2 man. They live in the tropical and warm temperate seas, but the gulf stream often carries them north to the coasts of the middle Atlantic and New England states. —_— Hedgehog as Food. The hedgehog was long esteemed for its white and tender flesh by the in many parts of Europe, and it is said that the eating started together.” of t‘lh t:nlmnll‘ l: Eb:rlllto(d in bx < was Fari-| sem, yes—after I got home. To|gYpsies throughout Europe today. n lll;nn'?"n?n on fi#:;‘i. &’r’dy: he m‘r::fnymr':m ‘emFrWhan 1 was in | friend of the hedgehog has said that Tan’ off ‘to Simonds & Co. the minute | the meat shop I only thought "em.” the proper way to cook it is to bake they ed & finger at him. Last, “So Myers Has told me,” said Jove, it'ln clay m a wood fire, the Prescott, is now to come up here | smiling. *“Downey, my man, you've got | spines and skin come off with the clay ‘with his . Could mntgl de- | more than mere You've got|coating’ and that the white and ten- partment if-you had it 3 common sense to g0 with it. “Tell young | der meat reminds one of “Between” you and 1" -replied Jacoh | Prescott to give you his keya.” hare to young pork.