The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, July 24, 1904, Page 4

Copyright, 1904, by McClure, Phillips & Co. ELL,” said Mr. Hennessy; “th’ labors iv th’ con- vintions ar-re at an end!” “If that’s what ye call thim, they ar-re,” said Mr. Dooley. “As Hogan says, th’ dimmyecratic convintion labored an’ brought forth a muss. Th’ raypublican convintion labored too, like a cash register. It listened to three canned speeches, adopted a predigested platform, nommynated a cold storage vice prisidint, give three espicially prepared cheers an’ wint home. Th’ convintion’s mind was all made up fr it befure it met. They was a little too much make up, but who cares fr that? Not so, th’ dimmycratic mind. That’'s a good, plain, unvarnished, freckled mind that is niver made up. -Not that us dimmycrats haven’t policies. We have more thin anny- body else. Th’ attic iv ivry dimmycrat’s house is filled with ol’ policies that he wanst used, policies that have faded, or punctured (19 THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY o "R oL@ A b AT IO I often go up an’ fondle me ol’ policies an’ think iv th’ days whin we thought free thrade was so becomin’ an’ th’ income tax an’ th’ silver question. I've laid thim away in lavender, Hin- nissy. *Tis no good bein’ onfash-nable, only sometimes I object to th’ party wearin’ th’ castoff duds iv’ th’ raypublicans. Rather thin that I'd see it go naked iv palicies entirely f'r awhile an’ thin make itsilf a suit iv clothes that bore no tailor’s tag. “But, as I tol’ ye, a dimmycrat has plinty iv principles that he'll fight f'r, on’y they niver get into a dimmycratic platform. A dimmycrat is a free an’ indepindint citizen who thinks fr himsilf—wrong. A raypublican is a rich an’ humble vassal who gets others to think fr him—right. Ye cud hold a raypublican naytional convintion in a clothes closet but ye cudden’t r-run an orderly dimmycratic convintion in a forty-acre lot. There’s a thousan’ red-hot convintions inside iv ivry dimmycratic convin- tion. Ivry man has some principle that he’d lay down his life fr but wud prefer to lay down somebody else’s life. That's why we niver get a satisfacthry platform. There isn’t a platform in —_— a tire or broke a mainspring or been run over be a band wagon. * e T T D S g 1 MR. DOOLEY ON THE CARNE th’ wurruld wide enough fr two good dimmycrats to stand on without crowdin’. So afther we've had our fights an’ disturbed th’ peace thryin’ to frame up something that will permit th’ gin- tleman fr'm New York to speak iv th’ gintleman fr'm Neebrasky in th’ prisince iv ladies, we pass a risolution declarin’ that th raypublican platform is all wrong an’ go out an’ take our dacint, complete lickin’ like sogers. That is, some iv us who've niver held office does. But a man who has held office a long time 1S a raypublican anyhow. “So, me boy, th’ dimmyecratic convintion was sthrongly to me taste. Throuble an’ merrymint fr'm th’ dhrop of th’ h playin’, women screamin,” fists flyin,’ lots of candydat sands iv platforms. Candydates, says I? Sure, needed to do was to tellygraft to th’ White House to ha bed made up an’ he’d take ham an’ eggs f'r bre S mornin’. They was a candydate fr'm ivry State an’ county sage iv Esoopus, th’ sage iv Princeton, th’ sage iv P Hearst, Sage Willums, Sage Cockran, Sage Murphy, Padden, Sage Champ Clark, Sage Roger Sullivan, ivry Russell Sage. There was Sage Bryan, who wint around a kick at ivry other sage’s vin'rable head an’ there Hill, who got Sage Bryan down an’ fed most iv his wurruds, a long an’ ondigistible meal. Oh, it was fine. I wisht I'd been there. Such enthusyasm! Th' chaplain delivered a r-ringin’ prayer an’ th’ con-vintion cheered itsilf hoarse. At th’ mintion iv th’ name ov that grand ol’ dimmycrat who be th’ party in time iv need always, or almost always, or three times out iv a possible five, or 60 per cint—I refer to th’ Princeton—th’ convintion arose as one man an’ hours an’ thirty-wan minyits. “If in that lonely rethreat to which he had re th’ heat iv battle an’ th’ discoords iv politics that v man did not hear this gloryous thribute iv his fellow « it was, Hinnissy, on’y because th' linemen had not qu th’ long distance tillyphone conntectin’ th’ lone con-vintion hall. Akelly enthusyastic was 4 other sages. At th’ mintion iv Sage O tion cheered f'r two hours an’ eight minyits. th’ name iv Cock’rill, th’ air was rent with cheers hours an’ two minyits, mingled with cries iv, “‘Who.” At th tion iv th’ mame iv Willum R. Hearst, th’ convintion cheered as one rayporther f'r th’ Journal, f'r fr'm half iv a sicond to nine hours an’ forty minyits, depindin’ on what pa-aper ye (Some pa-apers says jeered but niver mind that.) whin th’ name iv th’ peerless jurist, th’ gr-reat renowned dimmycrat—a—Ah! Yes—Alton B. Parker, Esoapus, was sprung, th’ convintion rose again an’ again cheer as wan man. An’ that man, Hinnissy, was me frind David B. | “Hinnissy, ye've heerd it said that ye 't g man down. Well, ye can’t keep anny kind iv a man d¢ he’s able at his job. Th’ last I see iv David B. Hill was fou years ago whin he was lapin’ out iv th' front dure at City something less than a safe an’ painless distance fr'm Wil lum Jinnings Bryan’s congress gaiter. Th’ nex’ I see iv David B Hill, he’s gone ar-round th’ back yard, climbed over th' finc let himsilf in th’ cellar dure with a skeleton ke dumb-waiter shaft an’ is nailin’ a pitcher in th’ a peerless dimmycrat leader who will lead us o I niver heerd iv before. An’ where me Willum Bryan all this time? Well, no sooner had he made sure that Hill was chased off th’ premises thin he left wurrud with th' hired men that he wudden’t be back befure mornin’, locked th’ dure, cocked his hat on th’ side iv his head an’ wint down th’ sthreet lookin’ f'r throuble. Where he didn't find any, he made Havin’ spint th’ night crooly maulin’ ivry ladin’ dimmycrat who poked his head out iv th’ dure an’ aven goin’ so far as to break into houses an’ pull sleepy Palmer an’ Buckner dimmyecrats out be ears, he comes home in th’ mornin’ a little th’ v f'r wear finds, as I tell ye, oI’ Hill nailin’ up th' pitcher iv th’ What-d’ye-call-it. An’ there ye ar-re. You can't keep Hill out onless ye set up nights ye'ersilf. That there wicked man has been politically dead thirty times that I raymimber an’ mourners rayturned cheerin’ an’ gay fr'm th’ fun'ral found him settin’ on th’ durestep waitin’ f'r thim with a Sure, why not? He don’t do annything else. Th’ on'y time whin he seemed properly dead was whin me frind th’ sage iv Princeton set on his grave. But there can’t no lightweight keep squirmy as that man. “An’ so there ye'ar-re. We've had a gran’ time, we've nommynated a glorious statesman, adopted a set iv splindid riso- lutions that will make manny a man r-read th’ raypublican plat- form to see what’s in it an’ now we go back to our wurruk an’ wait f'r th’ day whin we ar-re voted. Afther all, th’ gr-reat issue befure th’ American people nex’ Novimber will be ‘Ar-re more raypublicans thin dimmycrats or ar-re there not? “D’ye think th’ raypublican platform is a good wan?” asked Hennessy. “Th’ raypublican platform is me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt,” Mr. Dooley. “He’s standin’ on himsilf. but he may become too heavy f'r it.” “Well, Parker is a safe man, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessv. “He is,” said Mr. Dooley, “but I wisht some wan else had th’ combination besides Hill.” takin’ was Sage has shtud cheered r-read. state keep a g wn Kansas climbe > victhry tha was some. th’ an’ sage iv whin th’ they down a man as there Mr. said It's a sthrong platform GIE HERO FUND