The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, April 10, 1904, Page 5

\ e THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. may compliment a T te s bright. If you . ter he er she S tid: obt ; o re 8 ers are d ou The de e wife e ains ow will know how he is in escaping e s et problem A t s pays A 1 s at a woman who tries to look pretty, en he would not care anything for her if she did not. . . * is the fellow who aches to be both - - . Always tell people not to worry 1t does them so m goo . - - Before a girl marries she thinks love a perp® cream soda dic ater she learns t e ream . - - A woman is never too old to be vair . . - A man is never too old to tk e can fasc pretty woman . . . The weather is no respecter of persons. Always agree with le whom you want ress with your supe: gence. . . * marries her rich patient ¥ ained . - - The man who undertakes to please a woman who know what she wants will sometimes sigh for ertaker. . . - Why do girls marry? Oh, pshaw, we've been guess- n that ever since we were girls. R S < woman is cither a fool or overly meek who can inanities of a m who t t at she reminds him of one whom he once loved. Millionaire Who Tried to Resig’n + - ol | R. JAY PEE MOREGAIN was ardently de- voted to the good old American game of coin collecting. The population of this fair land of ours—at least, according to the views of the most competent foreign observers who have never visited the United States—is divided into two classes: those who pay and those who receive. Most of us are in the former, but Mr. Moregain was one of the most prominent mem- bers of the latter class. If the ancient adage anent the blessing that will accrue to those who give has any truth in it, there must be a strong demand on the blessings Mr. More- gain and his confreres, however, were of the opinion ury from the American continent alone. in the hand is more to be desired than a blessing in the bush. that a2 coin It must not be assumed from this that that worthy As a He want any more money than there was in circula- gentleman was a2 member of the genus porcine. of fact, he was very modest in his desires. and he was even willing that a little should be left he hands of the common people, in order to promote enthusiasm in the pursuit of it. This is an important fact rlooked by the critics of the modern Any one who hgs had the opportunity to is often ov ionaire. observe the ways of that w bird on his native heath knows t the attractiveness of coin collecting is not due to any vulgar desire to heap up money, but to the of the chase. When he goes forth in the his da task in the marts of trade the is comforted and upheld by the cheering at each day brings its duties—and its dubs— to be done. Each man who drifts into the plush-lined i gold-mounted office of the millionaire may have a large wad of greenbacks concealed about his-person that he is very anxious to retain for his own selfish pleasure and profits. It is surprising how many selfish people there are in the world and how hard the much maligned and over- worked capitalist has to struggle to get the beggarly pit- tance of forty-five per cent necessary to support his mod- est establishment on Fifth avenue, his cottages at New- port, in the Berkshires and at Aiken, his steam yacht and his automobile, up to and including fines for fast driving and damages for lacerated feelings and persons of the common herd who still harbor the absurd idea that the streets were made for public use. But as we were saying, or at least meant to say, Mr. Moregain was no common thirster for wealth. He had a firm determination tucked away in his mind somiewhere that when he had accumulated a modest competence of say fifty millions, had picked up all the coronets necessary to establish his daughters firmly among the denizens of the effete but attractive Old World, 'and had paid his son’s college debts, he would retire and live a life of elg- gant leisure, with nothing to do but to clip an occasional coupon and keep one eye on the stock market. He would then become a patron of the arts and sciences and might even be induced to found a university or two if he could find a convenient spot not already “occupied by an insti- tution of learning. He had not made any definite date with himself when he would make his positively last appearance on the financial stage, but he had an idea that it would be one of the events of the day and would be heralded as the most auspicious act since the inauguration of the coal trust. Then he would be able to travel in ease and com- fort, including a private car, and would absorb large doses of European culture and Old World learning with- out having a ticker at his elbow and a forecast of the next decision of the Supreme Court in his inside pocket. He would be an exemplar to the young men of the land that wealth was not the only thing worth living for, especially after you have acquired all that you can with- out a jimmy and a stick of dynamite. In his imagination he could see himself held up to the eyes of the peoples of the world as the highest type of the American citizen, a man who could get up from the table without taking the napkins and silver forks away with him. He would e i leave the furnishings at least for the next man. By dint of hard and heroic efforts he finally arrived at something near the point that he had seen in his dreams, Both of his fair daughters had annexed ances- tral domains, with titled accompaniments, and his son had a seat on the Stock Exchange, and barring accidents and untoward decisions might be expected to keep him- self going with an occasional lift from the family ex- chequer. Therefore, Mr. Moregain announced to his wife that henceforth, if not forever, he was out of the game. No more for him the daily toiling in the shadow of the Sub-Treasury, where his ears were tortured“all day long by the dull, sickening thud of the common stock and the monotonous drip of the water from the first pre- ferred. No more for him the hollow uncertainty as to the exact nature of the surptise that the next day might bring forth. He would get out of the collecting business and set about making glad the heart of his fellow man. Besides, it was getting so difficult to make money without investing real capital that it wasn’t worth while to bother with it any longer. His sole business now would be to spend his declining years in leisure and count up the interest on fifty millions in a perfectly safe investment. His first move was to go out and look for some congenial soul to spend those declining years with him. His idea was that he would go around to the club every afternoon and play billiards with some other retired mil- lionaire or ‘alk about the victories of the past with the other financial warriors who had exchanged the armor for the smoking jacket. When this got tiresome he could hie him to one of his country houses and chase the elusive golf ball over the hills and dales, or -foregather with the other ball, not so elusive, on the clubhouse veranda. This interesting exercise was to be varied by an occa- sional trip to Europe or Darkest Missouri or some other unexplored land. U D ToE X Y o Many 2 man wishes he were a boy again so that he could carry a whole tool chest and a lot of other things around in his pockets, o o N To be truthful and polite at the same time some- times puts a rubber attachment on your conscience. ¥ - The appetite for scandal is always craving other delectable morsels. * - - - The difierenec between charity and philanthropy is the length of the newspaper free space. = * - Some people burn their money, others get into so- ciety. * * E The politician is the noodle who is out for the boodle. * * * To be ashamed af one’s wife or mother is the sad- dest fate that could befall a man. * * - The weather man is having lots of fun in his vaude- ille stunt of quick changes. * * * A man who can’t e enemies can’t make anything * else. * * * A man loses all respect for a wife who thinks she can select his cigars. - - - Getting into society is like raiding a beehive. You may find a little hon but you risk the stings. - - - A A wo pride. n never forgives the man who hurts her * * * A woman never forgives the man who guesses her age too generou * * * A woman never forgives a man who hints that her feet are large. . - - No matter how tightly you kammer the lid on a woman’s opinions, enough hot air will escape to let you know that she is still busy. B - - Those whom we love and those who love us are not always the ones we want to love us or who want us to love them. The Reed Smoot Senatorial muddle makes a real nasty divorce look downright respectable. - = * Some men never appreciate a home until after they have master d the art of crawling in at 3 a. m. without waking wi | Fable for ; the Foolish . The plan was a good one and the only trouble with it was that it wouldn’t work. When he wandered into the club to begin the billiard tournament in the middle of the first afternoon after he had emancipated himself he found it inhabited entirely by liveries occupied by the salaried minions of the place. There was not a million- aire in sight. It was the same next day and all the days thereafter; :illionaires out of work seemed to be as rare as flying machines that will fly. Then he tried one of his tountry, houses, but the first day he saw a newspaper story of a big bulge in Peanut Limited on the floor of the Exchange, and was half-way back to the city before it occurred to him that he had sold his seat and was engaged in doing good to his fellow man in an entirely different manner, In despair he took the next boat to Europe, thinking to find surcease from sorrow in wandering over the storied Continent. The only acquaintances he met there were the ‘wives and daughters of men who were at home unwinding ticker tape. Every time Mr. Moregain saw anything about a big day on the Exchange or an exciting evening session at the Waldorf he would begin to look up the time of the next boat to New York, and two or three times his wife caught his coat tails just in time to keep him from starting to walk back. The few men that he met who owned up to having been born in the States had been out of the country so long that they didn’t speak the American language any longer. He tried to rest, but had forgotten the formula. Then he went in for art and endeavored to add to the incomes of the artistic world. Before he had been at this many weeks he found that he knew about as much about art as a native Hottentot and that he was regarded as one of the easiest things that ever blew into the Quar- tier Latin. He couldn’t even talk art, to say nothing of understanding it. There was only one thing left for him to do, and he did it; he died gently but completely and at last accounts was still dead. The doctor’s verdict was that he had tired himself to death doing nothing. As an obiter dic- tum the .medical court observed that-a wise canine will confine himself to his old repertoire and that it's a good dentist who can extract the root of all evil (Copyright, 1903, by Albert Britt.) ~ O - - & ' #L, & 8,0 W S