The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 11, 1900, Page 7

cd Ohrec Oiters. | s l does a man good@ to hear | ' one of his children,” ob- | t'e old man who had jl'-.fit€ 1 Alexandria electric car. | a father likes such things,” re- ! I the man addreesed. ) =ay my son Joe is the best boy in whoie place,” continued the old man : smile lighted his face. : ,A.T_n't made a kick in the last two -rl‘r-‘llgiun three mon*hs ago, and is Fin {u:!ln to it like a dog to a root. | -=ly '!u—h(—‘\'ed that Joe would ever take ! religion, and I'm awfully glad of it { v_ma) he's truthful and honest and ¢u:t, and they wouldn’t be afraid to send n down town alone.” it 2 manufacturing establishment t Your son’is connected with?" “Rinder that way, though they call it the penitentiary.” “You don’t mean that he's in State pris- on exclaimed the man. “Right thar, sir,”” was the repiy, “‘and will be for three years more, and the way they go en about how hard he works and the way they praise him for his goodness ©f heart jest makes me feel to wish that my other three boys would git up and do suthin’ for themselves to be talked about!”’—Washington Post. e ——— 4 CAUSE FOR JOY. stood on the bridge at midnight.” be- | t bright young man who had wm-‘ ) elocute for the en‘ertainment of | " exclaimed his for?” asked the bosem friend. elocutionist, ———————————— e e e e e L e e B T T T e I e ) % 0 . THE SUNDAY CALL. 74 ¢ A D\ THE EFFECT OF MONEY. “I understand old Delahanty’s favorite grandson, to whom he left all his money, has erected a fine monument to the old man's memory.” “Yes, and the inscription on it reads: ‘Erected to the memory of Patrick Jeremy Delahanty by his grandsen and name- sake, P. Jerome De La Hantay, Esq.” "— Philadelphia Press. rather annoyed by the interruption. | am glad to know you were able to stand anywhere at midnight.”"—Baltimore American, BIDE LIGHTS ON HISTORY. “The worst thing about this whole l.n.\‘i-l oL ” muttere Naj n, turning when £ ¥ outside of Moscow to take a look ’ e burn “is that all the fel- | i who 1 the charges published i nst me in those London papers will | E lamr ring der fire!” ‘ dl t e iown the idea for future | u ir s St ielena monologues.—Chi- | !' *“I inherit my love for sleep.” SHIPS. “Father was a policeman once,® ‘Speaking of ships,”™ said the senti- menia voung bachelor, *“‘courtship is a | 5 & 4 E t port | NOT A WIFE BEATER. 8 oo torted the hen-pecked hent-dlci_l “There.” said Mr. Meekton's wife, 1 marriage is arship.”—Philadel- » - » I Press paer acofi uc Fhiladel have won four games of cribbage and | B SRR three of bezique.” l - v . “Well,” answered he, “that is as it| DISTANT RELATIVES. T G b e ,_M . | “You haven't beaten me a single game.” g & y‘\ T et = distant | <1 Gon't care, Henrietta. You know ne Wwealthy Golimans Iwhut little things set people talking. I "W stant?”’ wouldn't for the world have the reputa- | tion of a wife-beater.”’—Philadelphia Star. ¢ distant as they can keep me.”—Phil- e————— ad hia Record. PERVERTED MORAL. “And what does the story of the prod- igal son teach us?” asked the teacher. “It teaches us how to get the falied calf was the prompt reply of the bad boy at the foot of the class.—Chicago Post 'l THE FIRST LESSON. Drill Sergeant—Don’t be afraid to use your arms. Have some snap about you! Now, when I give the command, “Present arms! bring your gun smartly in front of body. Head up, shoulders thrown | chest expanded, etc. | | your back at first because I was a stranger. IN THE MUMMY AGE. Finding the arguments of her husband unanswerable, this ancient Egyptian woman confessed herself beaten. “You've got me dead,” she exclaimed, with emotion. : *““Then dry up,” thundered the man with a terrible look. This was plainly the natural order of things in those days.—Detroit Journal. MADE HER HAIR CURL. *“Since marriage I have had no need of curling irons,” said Mrs., de Tanques. “But gtill your hair is perfectly dresscd. What's the reason?” “Well, waen ydu've got az husband vou’ll find that he can come home at any old hour in the morning with an excusc that would make ycur hair curl.”"—Koan- sas City Star. FOR INFORMATION. *I wish to ask a question pertaining to the game laws,” said the visitor to the queries editor. “Ask on, my friend.” “When is the open season for shooting | stars?” But before the editor could answer him he was gone.—Philadelphia Inquirer. AN IMPERIAL SEARCH. *“All the nations of the earth seem to be out looking for trouble just now.” { ““That's s0; but each is out hunting trouble for the others.”—Detroit Free Press. MISSING ZOOLOGICAL CONVENI- CES. Jones—I say that a man is a deteriorat- ed animal. Brown—What do you mean? Jones—Look at the Kangaroo—it has pockets in its skin!—Indianapolis Journal. THE ONLY POSSIBILITY. He—Nothing could ever come between us, could it, dear? She—I can’t think of a single thing, un- less 1 should happen to ome engaged | to some other man.—Harper's Bazar. ‘ | PLAINLY DEFINED, *“Pa, what’s a raconteur?”’ “Oh_ that’'s a fellow who never telis shady stories unless he has a full druss‘ suit on.”’—Chicago Times-Herald. STILL IN ADVANCE. . Boarder—You made me pay in advance That was all right. But I am not a stranger now. Landlady—No, I know you now.—FPuck. HOW HE FELT. Hooley—How d'yer feel, Hungry chappy? Empty Eagan—Like a meal tickel with every meal punched out.—Brooklyn Life. L o e o e e old 7 She Helped Fim Out. “I'll tell you a good story, boys,” said the host, as there was a pause in the con- versation; “it's about a lady, too.” Instantly there was a craning of necks. “That story about Mrs. Archibald, love?"" interrupted his wife. “Yes, my dear; the one I told you about the other day. It happened this way: I was geing down Fifth av—"" “Ycu told me Broadway, my love.” “Yes; I think it was Broadway, but it doesn’t matter much. At all events I was going down town, when a lady dressed in a blue waist —" “I think you're mistaken, hubby. You certainly said ‘pink’ when you told me the story.” T “Well, let it go at that—it was either blue or pink—and a white dress —"’ ¥No; she was dressed all in blue; don’t you remember?"’ - The host gave his wife a look that came from a marble heart., *“She kept looking ““No, dear; you did at her.” “Well, confound it, we both looked at each other. Her face seemed familiar to me. She was tripping along, looking as fresh as a peach, when suddenly she slip- ped on a banana skin and broke her leg — . “No, no, Reginald, her ankle.” “Bless my soul, Mrs. B., would you like to tell the rest of the story?” “Now don't get mad, dear; but do be aecurate,” ‘“Well, she broke her blessed ankle, or twisted it, and I had the satisfaction of carrying her into the necarest drugstore. She smiled a sweet smile at me ——" “I think you are mistaken again, dar- ling. You told me she was unconscious.” *“Yes, I know; but that was before—I mean afterward—I mean—Mrs. B., you get me rattled. Please don't interrupt. She smiled at me some time, anyhow. She seemed to thank me in a mute manner.”” “One moment, dear. You certainly told me she was voluble in her thanks after- ward.” “Yes, yes. Say, am 1 telling this story or are you? I asked her if 1 should call an ambulance. She whispered, ‘No; get me a eab.” I got ber a hansom-—-" *“No, don't you remember, darling—an automobile.” “Great Scott! Madam—I—here, boys, Jet's go to the club!”"—New York Heralid. — P e POLITE. She sat in his lap in a cable car And her language I won'’t repeat; She blushed and arose, and he said: “Beg Par- Don; pray do keep your seat.” . —Puck, SPEECHLESS WITH SATISFACTION. “How quiet Barbara is this evening.” ““Yes; she looks as if she had on such good clothes that she couldn't talk.”—In- dianapolis Journal. CANDOR. Deacon Waters (severely)—Have you one single thing that you can honestly call your own? Soiled Spooner—Yep; me t'irst!—Puck. Milly—Why did Abou ben Adhem’'s name head the list? Billy—1 suppose the names were ar- ranged alphabetically.—Smart Set. $ =" «HE REVERSE. “She is what I call an overdressed woman.” “You should have seen her last summer when she was in bathing.™