The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 11, 1900, Page 2

:k! Ew$ Mrs. Soak—You ought to be ashamed every night this week, except Tuesday. Mr. Seak—You're right, my dearsh. WHY HE DIDN'T. . of yourself. You have come home lJrunk I was;—hlc—sick Tuesday. L N N e MMM MMM RN A DIFFERENT MATTER. Tom—I paid a visit to Miss Sweety's house yesterday, and found her old man &t home. Dick—Ha! Wktat did the old bear do? Kick you out? Tom—Oh, ne. He was very polite; asked me to call again. Dick—You don’t mean it? Why, he never lets any one call on his daughter. Tom—I wasn't calling on her. 1 was trying to collect a bill the old man owes the firm.—Philadelphia Press. LIBELOUS.. “I want to know,” angrily demanded the celebrated London music hall star, *‘why you are billing me as ‘the peerless actress? “Why, what's the matter with that?” asked her American manager. “Matter? I want you to know I had as many peers chasing around after me in London as any of the other girls.”—Phila- delphia Press. HERSELF ALONE. Mr. Borem had found her in a sectluded bower near the lake, and he determined to know his fate. He talked of many things, and finally— “Isn’t it splendid,”” he sald, cooingly, ‘“‘to be out here all alone.”’—Philadelphia Press. A DIFFERENCE. Askington—Who was your friend whom f saw vou walking with this afternoon? Teller—Hoh! He wasn't a friend; that's my brother-in-law.—Harper's Bazar. JUST FOR A STARTER. Sillicus—I was awfully downhearted be- tore 1 got engaged. 1 married for sym- pathy. Cynicus—-Well, adelphia Record. KEEP HIM IN MIND, vou've got mine.—Phil- “Pauline has one side of her boudolr devoted to photographs of her lost beaus.” *“So man. dGead?” *“No; ‘married.”—Exchange. GIRLISH ARGUMENT. “Flavilla, you ought to take more pains with your letters to Myrtilla.” “Nonsense, pa, If she can read her own writing she can read mine.”—Indianapolis Journal. ANCIENT ROME. ““These are my jewels,” said the mother of the Gracchi, pointing to her children. - With a soulless laugh, Tertius Balionius, the pawnbroker, refused to lend any money on them, sdying they would eat up the interest.—Baltimore American. CONDESCENSION. IN “Well, this is great, I must say.” “What’'s the matter?”’ ‘. gave Della money to get me some things in Paris, and here she sends a note with them worded as if she were making me a present of them.”—Indianapolis Journal. A LITTLE LATE. “I've come to tell you, sir, that the photographs you took of us the other day are not at all satisfactory. Why, my hus- band looks like an ape!” ‘““Well, madam, you should have thought of that before you had him taken.”—Tit- Bitsa, ENLARGED EYESIGHT. *“What ig your idea of the difference be- tween a poiitician and a statesman?’ “}\'ell‘ a politician knows what he is voting for; a statesman knows what he is voting against.””—Indlanapolis Journal. IN THE UNCONGESTED DISPRICT. Towne—Now that I'm out this far I may as well call on Erown also. He's yYour next deor neighbour, isn’t he? Subbubs—Yes; wait a moment and I'll ° 3 > < WAS SUSPICIOUS. “Now, Willie,”" said Mrs. Towne, on ths day- they moved into their new suburban | home, “why don’t vou go over and play in { that big field?”’ ! “I guess it ain't very nice there,” re- plied the little city boy. “I don’t see any | *keep off the grass’' signs.”—Philadelphia ! Press. » A SENSIBLE FATHER. City Nephew (visiting in country)—Why, what’s this, uncle, a gold brick? Uncie—That's what, by gosh! And the package right next it is full of sawdust, an’ jest behind that yew’ll see three wale nut shells an’ a rubber pea. About wunst a month I explain the mysteries uv them articles tew the children.—Puck. DEAD »” “It's hard to be noor. EASY. “No; it’s rather easy; the hard part is to getv rich.” 8 fiet : - INDIGNANT DENIAL. Magistrate—What is the charge against the prisoner? 5 Maggie (the complainant)—De big loafer insulted me, Judge. Dat's Ww'at, ! Chimmie (the defendant)—No, I didn’t, | Judge: I on’y smashed ‘er in de jaw.— Philadelphia Press. STIMULATES THOUGHT. It's sing’ler how a rooster it beats all de tomics ! Sam—GoHy! crowin’ affecks me. megaphone and see if he’s at' home. - | in de worl’ fer givin' a feller an appetite. Puck. —Puck. L e S S e e 0 20 200 2 2 St 2 2 o e 0 20 20 2 20 2 20 0 S 2 0 020 2 3 S e e . HIS MISTAKE o e S S e THE SUCCESSFUL SONG. J. Rime.—The other day you .said m_v! verses would be sure to make a hil { Editor—Yes. { J. Rime—And now you say they're ab- | solutely rotten; nothing but doggerel, . | Editor—Yes; you see, when you showed | them to me the other day I thought you | were going to have them set to music. -- Philadelphia Press, ALWAYS ON HAND. “I suppose you know the type of maan who I8 always looking for trouble?” marked the philosopher. “No,” answered Colonel Stillwell, “you see, I'm from Kentucky. Down where I live nobody has to look for trouble.” — Washlngtoi Star. st re- | i | WORRY. ’ 5 Hereupon we spoke of evo! % observed sagely, "‘worry iman pro- “After all” has been the mainspring of gress." My new -acquaintance agrecd W perfeetly. P “The monkey and the man, said . “started even. The monkey kept his ur on while the man did not.” 3 This it struck me was a notable stance of the vernacular lending itself the expression of scientific truth.—Detrois Journal. GIVING to HIM A HINT. Mr. B.—It is hard to tell a woman’s aze by her looks. Mrs. B.—I shoul@ hope so. Why, this old hat ¢f mine makes me look like 6C.- Philadelphia Bulletin. A GOOD SYSTEM. -~ Mr. Meddergrass—Hi Slocum sent $19 to a feller in New York to find out how to win at roulette. Mr. Foddershack—What did the feller say? Mr. Meddergrass—Said to “run yourself.”"—Baltimore American. the game MORE THAN ONE WAY IN She—Talked a hole through an iron pot! What an absurd expression! He—Oh, I don't know. I know a man that swore his way into a steel jail.—Ia- dianapolis’ Press. WAS MODEST. i *“Marse Tom.” said the colored comstitu- *is dey any chance er me gittin’ a job.Th de legislatur’ dis term?” "1 don’t know; what do you expect?’ “Nuthin®’ mo,” suh, dan de yuther legis- Iaturs gits!”—Atjanta Constitution. SATIRICAL. *“That fellow Trayder is a hypocrite. The idea of his quoting “What's in a name? ™ “Why? What's hypoeritical about that?” ™ Why, everything he’s got is in his wife’'s name."” ECONOMICAL. Bloggs—An’ you mean to say as you'd | charge me $7 for paintin’ my pertrait? Splasher--That is. my price, sir. Bloggs—But supposin’” I found my own | paint?—ANly Sloper. L GOOD REASON. Gyles—Why do you call that carriage of yours a trap? Styles—Beeause my wife can never get out of it without help.—Yonkers Statese man. - NEW VIEW OF IT. “Your friend Groome boasts that his wife is college bred. What's meant by college bred, anyway?"’ ‘““Mebbe it's the stuff they learn to make at cookin’ school.” —Philadelphia Press. SUSPICIOUS. Mrs. Leo Hunter—Why are cious of Count von Squint. being cross-eyed. you suspi- He can’t help Mr. Hunter—I know it; but he looks crooked.—Smart Set. WHAT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR. Husband-How much did you spend down town? Wife—Thirty-nine dollars and a half Husband—What did you get? Wite—Bargains.—Detroit Free Press.