The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 11, 1900, Page 3

- THE SUNDAY CALL. G R 3 = BCIENCE VS. WOMAN. Went Weith the Gide fu:( Once. Not all the residents of Cape Cod are eccentric, as those who are mot familiar th the region might infer from the many stories which are told of queer characters there. But it is no doubt a many Cape Cod people have strongly accentuated dispositions in one or another. W that Ce 'L, many years ago, u local le- Captain Barnabas Z— and | l Abigaill, who were both queer' t his wife ir way, lived at peace for a good ars, in spite of the fact that Ab- sald .to be the “contrariest woman in Cape Cod.” Whatever was said proposed she was always sure to go t it But Captain Barnabas was as matient as .'"b wife was contrary and by dint always allowing for his wife’s disposi- and usually proposing the exact op- site of what he wished her to do he ong very comfortably for r.anv was got Years. But at last on one evil Cay, when Mrs. Abigail Z— was down at the harbor Visiting a relative on beard a schooner then in port, she fell overboard and sank in the water. Captain Barnabas was near by and was called in haste. He reached the spot and | immediately went out in a boat to search for his wife. | “Look here!” some one called out fran- tically, seeing him push off. “You're go- ing the wrong way of the tide. You're looking up the tide, not down tie tide.” The captain kept on. “Mebbe,” said he, calmly, “you weren't | acquainted with Abigzil. If "twas any- body eise they'd gone with the tide, but bein’ as it's Abigail I reckon if she hain't gone against the tide it warn't her that feil in.” This time Barnabas' philosophy was wrong. His wife's body was found next day down the harbor. For once she had gone with the tide. | ——— e ——— ] THE MAID AND THE CLEVELAND MAN. A well-known railroad man, who is also 2 city official, took an Eastern jaunt with his wife last month and finally reached Bar Harbor. When he stepped up to the clerk of the leading fashionable hotel of the place he was a little appalled at the cont ptucus manner in which that magnificent erca- ture seemed to regard such paliry triflez as hard-ecarned dollars. “A room in the house for week will cost each occupant $17.” he remarked in his airy manner, as he looked straight | through the atmospher just above the qQuestic r's hat. | *And meal “Meals are 821 per week for each per- | son. There was a brief silence, during which the Cleveland man made a rapid mental calculat But for he could speak the clerk again 3 in his oar. “Iir iddition to the other charges.,”” he remarked in voice as monotonots as Dan Daly’s, “each guest must pay $10 for | the o " B | The “leveland man smiled. He fancied he 1d the cierk this time, l %) we haven’t any maid,” he chuc- | I understand,” =aid the .clerk in his iciest manper; “but I did not refer to your maid. | referred to our maid. Each guest of the house will pay $19 per week for the services of the maid in caring for the room occupied by said guest.” The Cl eveland man stared. He is fami!- jar with hotels of every description and in all sections of the ccuntry, but he had never before run up aganst quite so hard a proposition. But he stra'ghtened him- self and rcached for the pen, | “1'i1 call your monumental bluff,” he! aid. *“Gimme z room!”—Cleveland Plain | Dealer A PORCII PARTY. ! “I»id you have a2 good talk with the Dwigeses last night, daughter?” “No, ma, we didn't talk; the men quar- reled about politics and Clara and 1 uscd the weailher.” —Detroit Free Press. A HOSTESS ON PARADE. “What was it Myrtilla did that was =o dreadfui?” “Why, our literary club met at her house, and she wanted to show her new hat, so she wore it.”"—Puck. D R O M M 2 2 e e The Ow HHoot! Hoot! Sa I son—Hoot, men! Sure, that's PRTTESY MoCiaron's, O'id ken his voice ! last Sunda Then Mrs. Jenes objects to the racket that awakened Baby Jones, and she is awarcded the victery in round one! | @ittt A SAGII,"OP:(‘L['S&ON. “I hyuhd it said in school,” re- marked Miss Miimi Brown, ‘“‘dot man is a biped wif no feathers.” “What's a biped?” asiked Mr. Pinkly. “Da’s-er-a animal wif two laigs.” “Well, Miss Miami, it sho'ly is lucky de feathers was lef” off. Da’s what keeps us Cum takin' one another foh chickens bein’ cannibals.” —\Vashington Star. Erastus an’ WONDERS OF MEMORY. “Isn’t it wonderful how a man's mem- ory is stimuiated as he sinks for the third time in drownirg!” “\Wonderful, indeed! I was just reading of a well attested case of a politician who upon sinkinrg that way actually remem- | bered the piecges be had made to his con- stituents before elcction!”—Detroit Jour- nal. A WOMAN'S QUESTION. Tte Paying Teller—1 cannot cash this check, madam. She—Why not? “*fhere isn’'t enough money meet it.” “Then can’t you meet it half way?’'— Life. THE WAYS OF A CLIMATE. ““fs this whkot you call a changeable cli- nate?” asked the stranger. “Not exactly,” answered the native. “It experiments around until it gets abeout as ‘isegreeable as it is possible for weather E here to to be. Ltar. Then it hangs on.”"—Washington yERY FORTUNATE. Guss‘e—Just aftah 1 stahted out it be- gan wairing and 1 had to turn back. Miss Kostique—How fortunate that there was some one there to tell you! Gusgie—To tell me what? Miss Kostique—That it was Philadeiphia Record. e raining.— CALLOUS. “Hard-hearted man! never been tcuched?” ) ¢ne has ever succeeded in =sicn cven on his pocket- iplhia North American. Iias his heart WALTED REBUKE, r—I cavght your son fish Lg Mr. Bunks. Mr. Bunk=—Ah' then that's the reason I couldn’t tind my fishirg rod when I wanted it.—Aily Slo, er. Clergyma ; -.a'do Stuttering Cailor. There. is- oneé marked peculiarity about - most men who stutter. When they become excited the only thing they can do to re- €OV their lost speech is to sing, and when in anger their most fluent mode of communication is through profanity. Not long ago a boat which sailed from this port had on board a sailor who stuttered under all circumstances. He was excit- able in the extreme and at critical times it was almost impossible for him to say a word. The mate of the vessel was a tall, muscular fellow by the name of Barna- bas. His peculiarity was that he always -| kept himseif busy, and that when he had no work of his own he would do the work of the sailors. One day he was busy along the rail and the stuttering seaman look- ing that way saw him lose his balance and drop into the lake. He ran in an ex- cited way to the captain and was trying 10 report the incident, but could give vent to nothing more intelligible than a suec- cession of sputters. The master divined from the look on the man’s face that something was wrong and shouted out: “If you can't say it, damn it. sing it.”” The sailor took two hitches in his treusers, whistled once and droned out iw a =ing-song way: : “Overboard is BRarnabas Half a mile astarn of us.” —Cleveland Leader. —————— WHY HE PLAYED WELL. Mrs. Wayuppe—I thought the weddin® music magnificent. A throbbing note of triumph, of ineffable jJy, seemed to run through it as though the organist were inspired. . Mrs. Nowitt—The organist was inspired, nc doubt. He was the bride’s first hus- band and now he doesn’t have to pay ali mony no more.—Philadelphia Press. CANDID. “Cook,” sald Mrs. Hostess solemnly at the eleventh hour, ‘“we have forgotten all but the entrees.” And the cook, in her excitement, re- sponded with: “Lor’ mum, so we have! If we ain't a couple of blunder-headed idiots, may I never!"'—Tit-Bits. { | THE VERY LATEST. Sunday-school teacher—Ged first made the world and all the beasts and the birds. Now, what was the thing “he created? Willie Green—Why, 1 guess it's the brand-new baby that came to our house Friday. 1 ain't heard of anything later —Philadeiphia Press. . last BUT NOT ORNAMENTAL. The nervoeus young man backed into the i nearest chair. The fair girl glared at him. “You're a bird!" she cried sarcas- tically. “Why—er—what?’ he gasped. “You're on my hat!” she fairly screamed.—Philadelphia Press, A LSETGIRNE SR l Bl e i FROM THE OFFING. “We stand on the immortal constitu- e ’ tion,”" cried the erator. . B et 2ot i ST 2 1 2 e 20 S 2 2 2t - “That Is to say,” remarked the grumpy THE SEQUEL. one, *“‘you trample it under foot.””—Phila- delphia North American. Miss Fortysummers—Jack, what sort of woman have vou idealized as a wife when yvou marry? Jack (yvawning)—Oh, any old thing. Miss [Foriysummers—Sir!—Ohio Journal. “Ah, but you have a loving husband, Mrs. Simms. I remember before your marriage he said he would move heaven ard earth for you.” “I remember; but now that we are mar- ried he won't even condescend to move the dresser so that I may sweep beneath it.”'— Chicago News, State INDISPENSABLE. First Citizen—\We are sending mission- aries in constantly increasing numbers to all parts of the globe. Secord Citizen—Yes. indeed. Come to think of it, we do need a larger army.— Puck. ) O e - e ¢ 2 3 2 A SERIOT'S MATTER. Tee—A Scotchman can’t s=c a joke, they say, and yet he criginated golf. Putt—Well, golf is no jukn-,«l)etroit' Free Press. L IN THE-CONSERVATORY. I.na Ponhim—You put your &rm around me so gracefully, Otto Likeit—Before falling heir to my fortune 1 was a condu®or, Lena—What line? Otto—Belt line.