The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, July 22, 1900, Page 6

£ = & = = 5% ,\\\\‘\\‘\\\\‘r .; yt‘ JW “Did she lose her head when you proposed to her iast night?” ‘““Yes; 1 found it on my shoulder.” [ ES S Eat TR Lt TRt Tat TS Tt Tut Tae Cat Cae Sat Sae Saw Sae N MET HrlS MATCH. ; VALUABLE EXPERIENCE. “I bought this cane of you yesterday and you said the handle was genuine | ivory, but I find it's imitation.” “Indeed? Why. I order my gcods direct from Ceylon, but it’s not impossible, of | than that to scare her. Isn't she an ex- course, that the elephants there wear perienced snake charmer?—Philadelphia false teeth.””—Der Floh. | Bulletin. B G could marry him. Why, | ribly and is subject to deliriuin tremens. “MAKING BOTH ENDS MEET.” R R R R R T S S Sy - | SIMPLY FIENDISH. H OCCASICN PRODUCED. “Hipper is a mean cuss.' “Think so?"’ “Yes. He's the sort of a man who wouid Inveigle a woman into buying cigars for | a Christmas present for her husband.”— Philadelphia North Amervican. of the colonel’s visitors are alws: 5 good “1f’s all he Kkeeps s g liquor in the house labeled ‘For Sickness Only." "—Chicago News. because ch - THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. NO SKY. e o “It's the little things that count in this world.” “Oh, | weighs Warwick—Why 1s it that there are no real skyscrapers in London? Wickwire—There is no sky.—Puck. 1 don't know. 235 *—Chicago Our bookkeeper Times-Herald. The Bearded Lady—I1 don’t see how she be drinks ter-| The Circassian Girl—It would take more | et SRt T 't aS S Lt S SR TRt S s S S “I never could understand why so many | THE SUNDAY CALL. | | ‘T In the early days of the United States | navy the enlisted men frequently grum- bled at the treatment they received from their officers, but, as is invariably case, no one else could abuse their su- periors within hearing without called to account, and most severely, 100. One of the navy legends is an incident said | to have occcurred in a foreign port. | English and a Yankee man-of-war were | at anchor in the harbor, and a boat from | the American frigate was tied up at the | landing stage awaiting the return of the same moment the chaplain of the British | ship was pacing the stage, signaling for | him off. The American | la boat to take | officer at last tacked down the street and { tumbled down the gangway to the stage, showing the indisputable effects of the { profligate hospitality that had been ex- versation with the ‘sky pilot, in | ieutenant’s condition. ! ““As you are an advocate of water vou ought to live in it, not on it,"” the Yan- kee thickly remarked, and dealt the chap- { { lain a blew that toppled him into the | bay. { Of course, charges were preferred martiaied. The nine jackies comprising the crew of the Yankee cutter were wit- nesses, and swore to their testimony with ian eair of ingenuous truthfuiness that made even the stern members ¢f the court chuckle inwardly. “You see, captain,”’ said the cockswain, the first witness cailed, ‘‘the lieutenant was on the stage, all peaceable and sober, where we hauled alongside, when the ‘Holy Jce' hove in sight with a heavy list each way and very much down by the head. He let iy at the leutenant, dodged, and the chaplain fell everboeard, having lost his balance. And that's all there was to it.”’ rated the cockswain's testimony, and the Yankee officer was acquitted. “Ah! Life is'such a burden.” “That's true—but we couldn’t GOOD EAR FOR MUSIC. i | | L} ! “There's a man who has a2 eood ear for { music,”” remarked the dyspeptic man, | who was bothered by the piane plaving of the young woman next door. { “Who, Dumley? Why, he's as deaf as ‘Ll post,” replicd bhis friend. “T know ke is.” said the dyspeptic man. ~Philadelphia RAPID TRANSTT. one Press. | [ *“Why, lock a’ said hoomer; ‘‘we've of | trains running frem here ! that there is in the country.” the Chicago the New Kest Yerk got qul to “Well, that’'s all right,”” renlied the New Yorker. “When a man wants to get out of Chicago he wants to get out quick.” —Yonkers Statesman. i O TFTDATATADI DI R AT PO R OFOI OIS ISETEDIA A S A TSR T A SRS T AP LACKING. “Why does Miss Passee object to bathing?” “Ohb, t's merel> a matter of form.” . lieutenant it had brought ashore; at the | tended to him ashore, and opened a con- | . the | course of which the latter objected to the | the | being | An | | over with white | #oly Joe and the Lisutenant.| Looking for l;%;ve‘nga. ot “I'm looking for that best man mine,”” said the newly married man sav- agely. “When we meet there is going to be blood shed! What is the matter? Mat- ter enough! Didn't my wife and T plan for two months to have our wedding trip to ouyrselves and not be bothered by a lot of grinning strangers who think it funny to nudge one ancther whenever a newly married couple appear on the scene. And didn't that fool of a best man, just te be smart, and upset all our cherished plans and have us followed around like a couple of prize monkeys in a dime mu- seum? “We managed to smuggle our trunks to the depot without having them tied all ribbon and ether fool things, and that was victoery number one. Then, after we were married and every one was wziting on the front porch with and o!d shoes to throw at us and mwake us feel miserable, we managed to ilip through the back deer and get away without their knowing it. That was vic- tory number two, and we theught that that ended it, as we had carefully planned to act like oid married folks on our wed- o g0 | ding trip. and there was not the slight- | against the American and he was court- | | intended staying that we | fectly lovely time! { best who | The other eight men solemnly corrobo- | i 1 ! the G Xk TR A TR R TSRS AR very well exist @ NN R TR DA RS E D RPN est doubt about cur being sueccessful if we had been Jleft alone. “But what did that fool of a best man go and do but wire the hotels where we had just been give us the best the Oh, yes, we had a per But when | meet that man 1 exnect to have a better time ! —Detroit Free Press. —_—————————— BILLACK MAIIL. Johnny—Paw, what is blackmail” Faw—Mourning envelopes.—Baltimora American. . - Little Girl—T want a cake of soap. Drug Clerk—Have it scented?” Little Girl—No, I won't have it sceated, I'll take it with me. We only live around corner.—Judge. married ard to house afforded. 2 a2 as S, | >N without it.™ ESH¥HSO BETRAYED “You bave seemn a total eclipse of the sun?" artiessly spoke p th girl in the pale blue taffeta shirt waist. “What is the sensation? Is it anything like being in a r way train when it plunges sud- dentiy into a tunnel?” “Not the least in the world.” replied the girl in the Eton jacket, blushing vividly the Xt mement.—Chicago Tribune. BEYOND HER COMPREHENSION. " said Mrs. Chugwater, who was ng the headli the morming paper, “what is the Chinesé problem they are all talkirg about?” nes in “You weuldn't be able to understand it if 1 should explain it to you.” replied Mr. Chugwater. “It's written in tea chest characters, and lots of the Chinese them- selves can't work il.”"—Chicage Tribune. NO HAPM “Do vou know of any preparation that ; will make one’s hair wavy and inclined teo curl?” | *“Well. you might try this mixture. I've ! been putting it on my hair to take the | kinks out, and it won't do it."—Chicage i Tribune. IN TRVYING IT. UP TO DATE. “Father,” pleaded the boy, “whip me in the barn this time. Don't take me to the woodshed—that's got to be suech an old gag.” Which shoews how the juvesnile m nd under the educational influence of the commic journals develops a tendency to be- come blase and cynical.—Chicago Tribune. PROBABLY A FACT. Teacher (suspiciously)—Who wrote your compeosition, Johnny? Johnny—My father. “What, all of it?” “No'm; 1 helped him.”"—Truth, i SHE GIVES. “I wonder if Mabel takes anything for that beautiful complexion of hers?” I “No; I think she gives something for it.”"—The Cigarette.