Evening Star Newspaper, July 11, 1926, Page 65

- Ghosts and Several Kinds ‘Not the Ghost of a Chance Do You ‘:G‘et; 2 'she s just that type of a woman who will take up your time, take up a collection, take up all the best cakes at a party, take up her: opponents’ cards at bridge, but when it comes fo giving out anything the most unseifish thing she ever give out in Her life 'was subscription blanks forthe colored orphanage. Of course I realize the minute I ®see who it was that she would take my own personal seat in the living room and all she would give in return ‘would be some piece information that was so bad she didn't care to keep it any longer. So the minute I opened the door I says why, hello, dear, how nice this is, so glad to see you, come right on in! - And she says so glad to have caught you. says you alwayi do, that's just my luck, do sit down and talk awhile and maybe 1 can sh you, too. So. Mrs. Goofn in my chair and took a look around to see my charming furniture and was there any dust on it, &nd then she says what a quaint old cottage is, dear, T do admire it so, but ain't leep g has just been 1 Sxod over. And she says oh, I don't mean that, I was referring to ghost!. v 4 . * % 3 i WELL naturally; T don’t"believe in £hosts nor any of that nonsense, but her saying that right on top of me reading about Hamlet seeing things comeé as a kind of co- We don't any ghost, we ain't even got a ton in our cioset! And she says y dear, I'm, surprised, didn’t you w_ihe former owner dled in-that m you. sleep in? Do you mean, to me you ain’t heard they say he urdered by his wife, and that he hlllm the place looking for the used? And I says good héaven, no, what the weapon? And Mrs. Goofnah why @ unbreakable line of talk, is supposed to of used it until he dled of insomnia, lots of people claim to of seen him searching for it, at midnight, that is why the place was mpt{ #0 long and you got it so cheap. And I says Hot Bozo! 1 never even heard of that before. Why would the ghont keep looking for it in that room, do you suppose? ‘And Mrs. Goofnah says well, she must of left it there on account she shut up and never said another word after the funeral. Do you mean to tell me you never felt afunny in that room? And I couldn’t say a word, on ac- Autobio BY RING W. LARDNER. CHAPTER II. The Boy Grew Older. HIS autobiography started out to follow the style of Edward Bok and Henry (Peaches) £ fots b se8it '4?%3% i i i ) i 2 53 , ik i i I it - g ¢ i i £ : 1 & ks i i : gi : i § They All » Want to Tell W'e‘i‘rd Tales ) “NATURALLY, WE THOUGHT NOTHING OF IT AT THE TIME" - count, ceme to think of it, I certainly had; there had been. nights when I was sti ly restless, one time after mince pie and another after welsh rarebit. And as a rule I 'never dream of such things and I hadn't dreamed, I'd had the nightmare! It was most peculiar. But I wouldn't give. Mrs. Goofnah the “satisfaction of seeing that, so I merely says why how ab- surd, I don’t belleve a word of . it. This idea'of there n:.!ly being ghosts | 1 is all the bunk, ha! ha! " You don’t teeth in the room where the lost Her . Yeh? I says, well, this story of mine about the old man with the flaming . beard, it seems Really? Jos Hush, ‘cutting the L) , cut M:fl s that certainly old lady | hear mine, especially about how the was found at dawn with some- thing in white standing near it which vanished as quick as the police broke in! 8o I says, Huh, that's quite a story; Joe, not that I let them ghostly 1ideas affect. me, neither, but this one - 11 was you about the old man ned | onto. me by Geor imagine a little thing like that would| worry me any, do you, I should hope? |' well, And she sdys , dear. T certainly do hope! “And then she went on alo dear friend. reading any more let. I had enough ghosts for one 1 decided where I would put, whole thing out of my mind and n'lh;ltk of it again, much less of . ‘ e w , the not when that same evening that 0 the S Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club and his wife came over to ullm:.pflu- friends, why we ran out of conversa- 7 | reminds me of that ol who breat! flames . . . - And then the stop waich was put. who blew the he says, that ancient story of the young girl who was buried without her lipstick and used to come back nights'looking for it. Not that flames right out. ing - | T believe in any such truck, but that in. 4 Naturally -we thought nothing of it st time, although mnum ly something strange about the place, especially the way horses used speak | to shy at it might be true, you know how strange- ly girlg feel about such things, they never |forget their -up . uj they are very dead indeed. And then there was the case.of the feller who \was mysteriously shot . . . Well, as Geo. says the word “shot" - | there come one from out in fromt, on tion kinda early in the game, well, | horsepo when that happened I thought where after all they might be. interested to hear about the ghost.in and how a old man with a to sy, | ofice stenographer. of T, says, it happened town 1 come from, there was an old house where seven cats lived, and they used to tell how when the cats all died they left nine ghosts apiece and at midnight you could see the place n&myly crowded with cats, not that I believe there s the slightest thing to it, but I wouldn't care to stay in that house all night! * Yeh? I says, polite; but not much interested in it wasn't anywhere near as good as mine was gonner be, especially when I come to the part where every prospective fenant ‘had been scared oft our place for re because of a sound like the chattering of false 'was absolutely not & thing on But the funny part of it was that after pretty near a year's investiga-. tion by the police department, there the records except a- biénde hair--one little hlon;t hatr, b.)onw to the o i o2 e i e ke R cause he n‘s . imona; mad the the street, and e guess. And And then that Joe Bush says I guess ‘we better blow out, too, it's after half and went on home. - ‘Well, Jennie, .says Geo. whe! door was shut, let's go to bed, /| says, for tire luyva tripe, what’s the ed with his story, what Jump off of our kitchen table onto thé dishpans, only our, cat, and we all her. story, on account | and graphy of Ring Lardner Gives . Insight Into Early Railroad Problems big idea? And I says well, not that nightshirt every night, or-is to. What is even :anm.m I says, his regular time for doing so 1s ‘twelve o'clock midnight, and. it is you don't all the parior? And he s sweet life no, we'll .1":'»’3& hen coop! &3 > © - ' (Copgrighi, 1926.) * . left fatr behind, in fact, four hours bet, yer mm‘mvvl.ml’mmodnt P'erfec\:f Ekémple Tllustrates Saying - That Every Question .’Has “Two Sides” I EAR MR, WYNN:. Can you give me an-example that will fully describe what is meant by the saying ‘‘There 'are ;wo ‘sides ‘lo -every question?" ours_ truly, E. MULSION. Answer—Sure I can. Say two girls are discussing' matrimony, two sides to that subject would be as follows: One girl could say, “I do not intend getting married till I _am 30 years d,” .and the’ n?‘thflr girl could say, il I get o cis. should ory. ovee, dbusd. Tuc? ould cry over &b ? mgmlv. EARL E. RISER. ' | Answer—I sure do as long as the price is 19 cents a quart. Dear Mr, Wynn: What 'is meant by “a gentleman farmer?" : - Answer—A gentleman farmer 16 a man who raises nothing but his hat. Dear Mr. Wynn: My father says the silliest ‘things. For instance, last night he said his bald head was just Iike heaven. Don’t you think'that is a silly thing for a man my father's age to say? Truly yours, VAZZLE EEN. ‘Answer—I would” say, instead of dad i rather bright. our father compared a bald head to heaven s that he simply means. ‘‘There is no parting there.” Pear Mr. Wyn I saw a man with both his hands bandaged and ing 30 years old I asked him how it happened. - He | dldn’t answer me. T later found out the reason he didn’t answer me was because he and dumb. I also heard his hands were bandaged be- cause every joint in -his fingers is broken. - How do you account. for an accident like that? Sincerely, ! DINAH MITE. Answer—He is deaf and dumb, the Joints of his fingers are broken, Vi v simple—he most likely broke them | by cracking jokes on his fingers. Dear Mr, Wynn: “LIKE THE NEXT LETTER.” BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. HERE seems to be in the reading public just now a pe: fect passion for hearing per. sonal details about prominent axtraordinary suc- hind the Keyhole, etc., bears witness to_what I mean. 4 tly . now 78 -our average of our leading men. . They get of headlines. What they want to get is m':omnm about:the little things of life. i el The pictured personalities which T describe below are based on accoun taken from some of the test and Very newest blographical ks, HUSSOLINI AS I DON'T KNOW HIM 4 By the Man With the Eye-Glass.® Hussolini - always takes a . “*After all' as he said to me one days while sit. o d ‘Corso, “is there anything after the “start of the trip it was dis. | Hs o chay . o like a’chop?” It was only & remark, such as he might have said to ‘either sitting on the Corso Discorgo or sitting any- a way, it seems to the man. He T 8. te me, “I don't like Sont unow why, but 1 « “human dynamo.” Energy and power seem to radiate from him. One has only to look at him to understand that here is a man who turns out 20 novels & year, innumerable articles magazine and yet has. time for meetings, com- ic. sport, needlework, £ “A GENTLEMAN FARMER.” years old gnd have lived all my Mf in the coudtry, and I have just made up my mind to move to the city. I am a pretty cook and that is why I am to you. What I want to know is “Do many city peo- ple “keep” cooks? Truly yours, MARMA LAIDE. Answer—They do not. But most mph engage another as soon as one ves. : It isn't that I am opposed to a person playing cards for money, but I would like you to settlp an argument between my wife and me. question is, “Can an ‘honest man phycgokw?" Sincerely, - JA O'DIAMONDS. Answer—Of course he can, but ‘he ‘won’t win, ? ;- Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a man 24 {un of age and extremely bashful. am madly in love with a girl my own age and would like to marry her, but I am too bashful to even broach the subject. I will never get over my bashfulness, and do not know what -to do. Can you give me an idea that will help me? Yours truly, Answer: The next time you call on her get the conversation switched around to the different kinds of drinks there are in the world. Then each of you take turns asking each other which drink you prefer. Now wright ate at least 2 pounds of heef- steak, which he washed down with half & gallon of Chiantl. “I think bet- ter when I'm full,” he explained. I left him that afternoon with a certain feeling of exhaustion. But perhaps an even better way of enlist the attenti ing r of ‘memories when |ing to him the charming and simple 1 visited him at his beautifu] country place, the Scraps, every foot of which bears evidence of his own titanic en: ergy, ‘‘come on, we've just 15 minutes Befors lunch; come have a look at my dogs and a go round the stables.” In another moment we stood among a yelping pack of. danes, chows, fox hounds, dog hounds and other breeds of which I did not know even the names. ‘‘Great Tfellows, aren’t they?" he shouted as he picked. up one of the Great Danes and threw him over the fence, “‘get a bit out ef hand sometimes though. Come on and see the bulls.” : And without a moment’s pause (Bollanburst never pauses) he dragged me . into, the closed area of the-bull pen. “Rattling fine fellows, aren't they?” he exclaimed, as he gave.one bull a kick in the: flank, “heed & bit of handling sometimes. Come on and see my black foxes (fetched them from the. Arctic)’ and then we'll just have ur::htornmundolpmlmfidm lunch.” After our game of ping pong, which he plays with & dash and liance. rarely seen even in an amateur, and at which, of course, he whole of which the. talked of century. It appears that he knows every kind of pot that has ever been potted in France. x Iri spité of his brilliant flow of con- yersation, I noticed, however, with amazement that the eminent play- easoltht, fike ali his race, is pas- | lond and of music me, 6t00, lin | we sat, down to lunch, during thed great novelist | fro; Erench pottery of the sixth |of details of the lives of the great woman leaders of the e reader . The always finds it difficult to believe that brilliant women pour out tea, and hand across bread and butter and muffins. In fact, the simpler they are, the more the is fascinated. Witness this® little us an ymo hershe The Wi Rag. HOME LIFE OF A GREAT LADY. An Interview with the Duchess of Blankface. I suppose that no woman in Eng- land 1s more widely known or has |been more before the public than the Duchess of Blankface, who is also n- - | tery, too: this is 1 mad and {ed in her tone - | with milk u’re all set. When she asks you: ‘Do you like tea?” turn to her and say: “Yes, but I like the next letter better.’ Dear Mr. Wynn: read in one of the morning papers I saw the following headlines, “Robbed by Comic Opera Bandl What in the world is meant by ‘comic opera bandits”? Truly yours, . C.' NARIO. Answer—That means robbers whe, after tying their vietims so they can’t m:lv:: use ‘“old gags” to keep them quiel Dear -Mr. Wynn: 1 am a boy 19 years of age. t ‘Friday night I am to make a speech. My father says I should not attempt to make speech In front of an Intelligent audi- ence unless I am full of my subject. bject is “Whis- In an article I Desperate suitor—I'll T’“ you a quarter, Tommy, if you'll get me & lock of your sister's . Small brother—Make it a dollar, and I'll the* whole bunch, I know ‘where she hangs it. ‘£/Pen Portraits of Prominent Persons. . Show No Details Too Small for Readers . and' greeted by & lady. nlmdnblut you have somé tea?" she ‘es? Then I'll just go out and kindling and start a'fire and ng simpler. But perhaps it will be quick- er if I ring.” In the conversation, that followed over our tea the Duchess talked in & .| natural and simple way tm,y\n me at “Sugar?” she entirely ease. asked, “one lump or two? I always think that tea tastes so much better and sugar. Muffins or bread and butter? Oh, I'm so glad to see that you prefer bread and butter, Muffing are so stodgy.” After our tea the Duchess showed me ‘some of her treasures and talked of her hobbles. “Sit down, if you don’t care to stand up,” she sald. “I'm so fond of carpentering. This is a board that I sawed in two this morning. I try a little work in pet- lump of clay that le yesterday. “1 wish,” she went on, and I detect- something of the wist- fulness of & mother’s voloe, “I could . -{show you the children. But I den't B '| But next time you come,” ved | and know . where the liftle devils ave. They were ‘round yesterday, but I don't seem td& have seen them today. she added, “I will take you out to my pigsties— leqve you there.” Just one little iucident, however, which happened before I left, reveal- ed to me in a flash the 1 power of the who _could be thus nmp'h and ing. One of the younger foptmen appearsd a moment at the door and sald, with Yrouid Jiks & wpesik. with yous you.' . Duthess turned sharply in her 3 “Yoy out of this," she said. T te my leave almost immediately (Copyrieht. 1026.) Music Measures Speed. How would you go about measur- ing the number of revolutions