Evening Star Newspaper, November 15, 1925, Page 103

THE SUNDAY STAR. WASHINGTON, D. C, NOVEMBER _15. 1925—PART Weather Forecasts, Studying the Fall Game and Other Activities Game With a Kick Again Demonstrates Power Over the Young and the Aged BY NINA W Queen LON PUTNAM. beth once wrote in her hook, Other People's Children. and How to Raise Them. “The only way to keep the vounzer generation from £elting what they want is to Kill ‘em off hefore they are old enough to ask for it.” And the Eli truth of that state ment come into my mind the other day when Junior commenced hound Ing me for a foot ball. Like as usual he begun his atr work by giving me a4 biz kiss and telling where 1 Wwas the nicest mommer in the world. Then he savs say Ma, d'vou know what I'd like vou to get me., And 1 says no. what is it this time darling? And he says I'd like vou to get me A foot hall. I wanner practice at home and gef to he a regular player and be on the all American team n'everything And T says Aon't want rough game. self something terrible, 1 heside. vour rich Uncle Will is com Ing for a visit, and 1 want he should think vou are a thorough little gentle man. not some biz rough neck with maybe a broken nose. And Junior says why do vou want him to like me? And [ says never mind that, Adarling. vou are oo voung to under stand, run alonz now and play some nice quiet game that won't mess you up Rut when nnr Junior In his head fi's ax hard to get ont as filex from a fruit-cake. Sav Ma. he mave 1 wani a foor ball anvways, pleage zimme one, [ won't play with it muech I'M just look at ft. And 1 saye no sneh thing. 1 know vou Junior Jules. onet get that im pliment of sport von naturally are gonner have ideas in your head about plaving with it, and next thing I know you will he coming home from school in a ambulance. And Junior says aw shucks, Ma, what do vou know ahout foot ball, anyways? Well, T says, I know that it's too hot for vou, they playv it on a grid ron and most of the players get pretty well cooked one time or an other. Also that many a nose, rec ord, and engagemen! has been broken in foot ball. and the costume looks like something the dog had been sleep ing on. 0. Junlor. 1 savs. it is no xame for nice little bovk like vou And Junior save aw shucks, 1 ain't A nice little hov. I don’t wanner he. neither. And J saye well vou'll be one while vour UUncle Will is here or T guarantee to hand you out a little physical instruction where it will do vou the most good. and I don’t mean vour head. neither Well, Junior went ing to’ himself. He is a most orig inal child, different to any other I have ever seen, and when T won't give In to him. he will talk In a tone juat high enough for me to hear, It T want. and he will sav things to the effect. I hate vou ail. nobody don't iike me around her guess ['ll run away and be a cowhoy a indian chlef, or sump'n then vou'll all wisht vou had been good fo me And al like that He certainiy gets rthe worst nations. for 4 veung one. o ox % SLI anvways. Junior went along off to play Tiddlewinks. like I told him. and [ set down a minute to Inok at the newspaper to see if the cash zrocery had any specials 1 could use this da%. on account I had in- vited the minister to supper to meet Uncle Will. it being my idea this would make a good impression on the hoth of them. and I would in this way il two birds with one batch of hot biscuit, see? And while I was turning over the paper looking for daily ad. why T come upon the sporting page. and what would be the first thing I seen but the picture of a foot ball plaver. a rear view. snapped in action. and underneath it save .. J. Crashem. University fullback, at work. Well Hot Bozo! he certainly had a full back anvhody could see that. or maybe it was the costume. Just what the bov was working at. though. was kind of hard to tell. unless it was at_running away from some wild ani- sreat why darling You plaving you might hurt mommer any gets a ides von on ont mutter HONEST. | NEVER SEEN ANY VICIOUSER KICKING THAN UNCLE WILL'S.” { guess. and a hoy named Middle was to he center. Also it seems they have a hack field in this game, and a couple of fellers ‘have half-their bhacks 1o it another with only one quarter (i) of his back | turned that way. while the last boy mentioned was full back towards It and so at last 1 found out what the sugar daddy in the picture at the top of the page was working at. There was some flank positions mentioned too. whatever that may of meant. but | nothing_was said about standing on the head. not hefore the game started, anyways, mal that didn't show mayhe the photographer accouni, 1 thonght well read the piece underneath and does it give any details ahout frightened him? Of all things. if the story wasn't about Bla University. where George. that's my husband. was graduated from as soon as he finished his fresh man year! So naturally I read the plece “with more interest especially as our Junior would undonbtedly go there if only for a visit. and with this foot ball idea in his mind. why rhe sooner I knew the worst ahout the game the hetier. And this was what the piece savs “Bla Center, Oci. 18. The three elevens composinz Bla ‘1”'<" foot hall squad went through a light final prac tice on Grass Field this afternoon getting ready to meet Goofnah College here tomorrow. The short session in cluded a twenty minute signal drill formations for kickoffs and work on drop kicks and placements.” Sweet mamma! And who would of thought them boys had been taught | 80 few manners at home they didn't know how to meet a visiting team that was coming over and hadder be taken out on a field and he taught how! SHIl and all that seemed kinda nice, them bovs shaking hands with each other, and saving so pleased to meet you. over and over until they got it perfect. 1 could imagine it was a real pretty scene. And the resi of it didn’t read so bad. especially that about the twenty minute signal drill paper didn’'t say whether the used flags. handkerchiefs. or flowers. or If it was regular hoy scout work. But even I wasn't able 1o tee any harm in it That stuff about formations for kick offs kinda worried me. though. Just who was to be kicked off wasn't made clear, nor for what As for drop kicks, I dunno what they was, or if it merely meant they was going to drop kicking. entirely.” T sure hoped 80, in case of Junior going there to school. But believe vou me, that wasn't_all 1 learned about foot hail from that piece in the paper. It went on_something to this effect. The team which was to line up agalnst Goofnah. or so Coach And four announced, includes Messrs. Whosis and Whatsis. who was to he ends, whether book-ends or taz-ends, not 'stated. A feller named Block Pully and a Mr. Fishing, was to be tackles, Messrs Muldoon & Murphy was guards, 1o see that the prevention of cruelty to children society didn’t stop the game untll-it was over, I in the picrure So on this 1 had hetrer see what P (F course 1 had in the old davs gone quite cheerfuliy to more then one foot ball zame with George but this was the first time 1 ever knew any of the detafls ahout it. Refore this I merely knew that it was plaved with & foot ball and a lot of nolse. I also realize that a foot ball wore a kind of corser, with laces and evervthing. and the many casualties that went with the gzame was purely casual, never intended. But now. with them few inside facts T had just got out of the paper. why I was more then ever decided my darling son should never play sich a dangerous game. Besides, I don't like either my hreakfast exgs or the male members of my family | scrambled When I had all this dope thoroughly memorized so's to be able to talk back to Junior. why I read the grocerad 1 had been looking for. and saw they was having a sale of canned pickled tripe @ 379-10 cents a can, 37c for the can and 9-10c for the tripe. So I de cided where that would be a nice eco- | nomical dish for supper, and If dear | | | old Uncle Will didn’t survive it, why we would do our best to use his prop- erty in the way he would most ap. prove, and etc. So T went on down town, leaving Junior still playing Tiddliwinks like a good gentle bov, much against his will. and the last thing he hollered after me as I went out the gate wax, hey Ma, bring me back a foot bali from the village, will yah? There is a dandy in the hardware store win der! And I sayvs well tha the best place for it. no I won't, now you be sure, Junior Jules, if hy any chance vour Uncle Will comes before I get back you be nice and polite to him and do everything he save! Well naturally 1 went down town then and got the tripe and quite a chat with that Mabel Bush. the one that's married to Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club, and she delayed me it quite a little telling her all about dear T'ncle Wil and his cars and his hig house and all the monev which he has such a lot of at any time except when we gof a nete 1o meet And I hadder stav lonz enough to explain how he was very old now, and coming of hix own accord to supper. and we was his only relatives except 28 others. but we was always the most thoughtful of him, and made a big fusx over him. so vou never know vour luck and ete. * ok ox ok Iin'r Bozo! by the time 1 was able 10 get rid of that woman It wax awful late. and I sure hadder hurry 1o get home if 1 was 1o gel the supper all set and change my dress and clean up before Uncle got there. And as always happens ai a time like that, naturally 1 missed the Dinglewood car and had to wait twenty minute more on the corner. the canned tripe getting to feel heavier on my arm than it was ever gonner feel on any hody's stomach. And when I actually did get home and come into the viyd then what would 1 see only Uncle Will. And when I also at the samej time realized what he was doing. at first 1 felt like it was more then mor tal woman or any other brand of woman, could bear. On account there was Uncle Will at his age, with all the sense he ought to of had by that time, teaching Junior to plaw foot ball. They didn’t actually have any ball. hut even at that dis tance it wasn't hard 1o guess what they was up to. Old Uncle Will was swinging hix body around and kicking, and Junior would watch kim and do the same. Honest, I never seen anyv viciouser kicking then Incle Will's, and for one minute 1 was madder then 2 and one-half wet hens! Then all of a sudden 1 remembered Uncle Will's possibilities, and thought to myself. well now, mayhe 1 am narrow about this foot ball stuff, after all, it's a manly game, and what a pretty pic ture it is to see a grand old man like that teaching it to his dear little nephew. he must like the hoy! So 1 went up to him and 1 says welcome, Uncle Will, don’t let me in terrupt your instruction, it's very sweet indeed of vou o he so patient with my little boy. I am delighted to have him learn foot ball, in fact 1 was gonner huy him a foot ball down town this afternoon only I didn’t have time. But Uncle Will give me a sur- prised lonk Hello Jennie, he says. that foot, hall T was teaching him teaching him the Charleston 19251 wasn't I was (Covyrizht One Seer Believes This Winter Likely To Cause Postponement of Christmas BY RING LARDNER. To the editor: Residente of this nk. of the wds. is all agrog these days over the question what kind of a Winter is this here libel to be and is the papers right when they say we are about to experience the hard- est and coldest Winter of the 20th centry to date. Almost without ex- ception the weather experts has inter- preted the signs as meaning zero mercury and blizzards from December on and in fact the outlook has become <o discouraging that they's a move ment on ft. in some northern States i postpone Christmas till after the holidavs. Right up curve from onr Gwatt who is as the red h. it comes to it was to he that the hill and around the place lives, old Prof. zenerally recognized papa of them all when weather predictions and the writer decided “LITTLE SONNY BUCK CRIED ALL NIGHT FOR A PAIR OF SKATI to go in =earch of verification or denial af the current rumors. Prof. Gwatt came to Long Tsiand in the first Reo. He remembers mah NgR “Yes," wsafd Prof. Gwatt after his widow had leashed his beard to a hook | over the, mantlepiece, “you can tell | vour clientele that the coming Winter will make other Winters feel like scalloped tomatoes. This one is going 10 knock everybody cold. 1t will be wor than the Winter of 19 0-25; which I can still recall )ike it was| only last vr.” | Prof. Gwatt was asked on what hased his pessimism “Tnmistakahle indications,” replied sha professor as he made up his lipe. he ““They are in evidence around the neighborhood day and night. For example I seen Ed Bartlett putting up the side curtains on his car ves: terday. The Marshalls has began tak ing down their screens. Marshall himself went to New York Thursday and bought an overcoat, the first time in 6 yrs. Mrs. Walion called up Sn der's Monday and told them not to bring no more ice till further orders Little Sonny Buck cried all Monday night for a new pair of skates. Kids knows. So does women. Mrs, Craven h been hinting for a wk. about a new Kefensky or some. thing. Mrx. Stewart called up last night and sald they was something in the honse that sounded like a rat Charley Egan savs he heard a flock of wild geese trying to reserve a draw. ing room for Miami. KEvery sonth bound train s carrving a extra diner for mosquitoes. And Judge Bacon re ports that his town car is heginning to crank hard after starting with the first fip-over since 1912." “You must have seen a great many hard Winters in your day,” remarked the writer, removing a police dog from his_lap. Prof. Gwatt produced a pruning knife and went after his nails in no uncertain fashion. “Say,” he said. “hard Winters is what I ainjt seen nothing much else. But still sothe stands out above othe 1 won't be libel to forget the Winter of 1876.79. The snow was so deep that vou had to be & fi. tall to see. The blizzard started at 9 o'clock in the morning on the 4th. of December and by 10 o'clock the next night the sround was covered with snow. For days at a time the thermometer hov- | “RECOGNIZED AS THE RED.HOT PAPA OF THEM ALL WHEN IT COMES TO WEATHER PREDICTIONS.” ered hetween It °6 and 47 was hard to tell.” ““What was hard to tell?” writer. ““What to do under the conditions,” replied Prof. Gwatt. “What did you do?" quired. “I married only way out. Mrs. Gwatt got the writer's eye at this point and indicated by lip read- ing that the professor was having one of his bad days. “Never mind the professor.” Mrs. Gwatt ‘'was as much as to sav, but her husband pald little attention and went on with his memoirs. ““The next Winter was and the big difficulty was in telling whether you were indoors or out doors. A friend of mine named Jerry Kroll took off his hat to hix own maid in the dining room, thinking they were both in the park. There was very few divorces that Winter. Maybe you heard of Kroll. A great hoy. - N sald the writer. “I never ahove zero. asked the the writer in- Tt seemed to he the very mild. did. “Well.” went on the professor, “it ain't a point I feel like arguing. You either heard of him or you didn't.” T didn't,” the writer replied. ou know your business better than T do. But anyway that brings us 10 1920. which had them all beat for pure coldness. I had a friend named Bilty who 1 hadn't seen for 2 or 3 days and one day T met him on Broad wayv and when we shook hands. his arm snapped off and I had to carry it around like a cane till the spring thaws. Maybe vou heard of Blty.” Mrs. Gwatt again coughed slightly to attract the visitor's attention and indicated by a series of wry fraces that it was time for the professor to test the mules. It should be explained that every afternoon at 3:30 the Ppro- fessor goes out in the corral and tests a1l the mules. It is a fad with him. The writer helped Mrs. Gwatt un. leash her husband's beard and hurried down the hill and home, no worse for a visit with Prof. Gwatt. Drama. Little girl (speaking in quivering voice o big, heavy-browned man with glittering knife)—Ilave you no heart?" Man (growlingly)—Na. Little girl—Well, then, cents worth of live —— Extravagance. Scotty—Ma father almost beat me | 10_death vesterday. Sandy—Why for? Scotty—Aweel, T hought = all-day sucker In the afternoon. I'll take 10 Cold Dignity of Ancient Times Is Lost When Mother of Parliaments Has Session BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. . HE House of Commons.” saye the hest known Guide 0ok to London of Today. “not , inaptly ecalled the Mother of Parliaments, i« undoubtedly the most august, as it is the most venerable, of the great re- presentative assemblies of the world. It is with something like awe that we | penetrate into the stillness of West-| minster Palace and find ourselves presently looking down rrom our priv- ileged place in the gallery upon the earnest group of men whose measured tones and dignified formalfties ,are | deciding the fate of an empire.” That is what the Guide Book has | ng about the House of Com-| some two hundred years. But in reading over the press reports | of the dehates of the House within | the last year or so #s they come < the Atlantic, one is inclined | vonder whether the cold d‘er‘ll.‘" of the dear old place is not getting | a little thawed out In the warm times in_which we live. | The proceedings in the later days | sound a little too suggestive of the | Cowboys’ Convention of Montana, or the meeting of the Literary and Philosophical Society of Dawson City, | Yukon. ! Take as illustration the following report of the proceedings of one day zome months ago. taken verbatim from the London Times of Tuesdax and the London Morning Post or the Labor Herald—I forget which. hut at any raie, those who read the de bates of the House will recognize it at once as genuine. “The House of session yesterds prime minister in treasury henches fo present his bill for the introduction of buckwheat into the Tanganyika district of Ugan- | da. stated that he would like firat |n1 refer to the fact that some member of the House had just thrown a ba nana at the Speaker. He would ask | members 10 realize that throwing ba. | nanas at the Speaker impeded the business of the House. He would | R0 %0 far as (o say that it was bad | manner; | R AT the word ‘manners’ broke intn an uproar from the Labor henches Yah' Manners [ resimed v at 3 o'ciock. The rising from the ymmons the House Cries arose Manners’ | “THERE IS A CIRCUS PROCESSIO “Lady feet amd =aid Luster at once leaped to her that there were mem bers in the Honse whose manners were not fit for a stahle “Joseph Dockside. M. P. for the Buckingham Palace district. asked if she meant him. Lady Lusier ealled out that she did. The Speaker to a_ruling against personal mention quoting a precedent under Henry VITT But another hanana hit him and he sat down “Mr. Dockside hegan asked the House if it was falr 1o let an idle woman like Lady Luster tell him that he had no manners. He was only a poor man and had no school ing. and how could he even get a chance to plck up manners. even fit for a stable. Here he broke into sobs again while the Lahor henches resound ed with the cries of ‘shame’' and the blowing of horns “Lady Luster then gone too far. She He <aid that she had 1d N COMING DOWN WHITEHALL!™ the word stable. She meant ‘zarage "he Speaker. quoting a precedent from Edward the Confessor. said that the debate might g0 on—a pineapple hitting him in the walstcoat t be. fore and as he sat down then sald that heen restored (lond cries Quiet), he wonld resnme the proposal of the gov ernment sidize the growing of buckwheat—and he would add. buck oats—in the Tanganyika distriet “Ad this point he was interrupted by Col. Macalpin MacFoozle, independ ent member for the East Riding of the West Hebrides. The colonel wanted to know how the prime min ister conld speak of Tanganyika if he was fully aware of the condition of siand. Did he know of the pres distress among the crofters? Was aware of what was happeninz to “The prime minister as quiet had of Rah! Rah! his speech ¢ he the Scotch gillies, and the laddies | moved from anger “Did he know that three more men had left the Hebrides? The colonel, who spoke with violent passion, to the great delight of the House, said that he didn't give a curse for buck wheat or for Tanganyika and that personally he could lick the whole cabinet. “ this lond shouts A s e ot mingled with cries of ‘Put him out! Lady Luster called out that if the Scotch would quit drinking Scotch whisky they would all save enough money to leave Scotland. “For the moment, the transaction of public business was seriously threat ened when Lord Pintop Daffodil rose and asked the Speaker's leave to tell funny story. Lord Pintop, who is rap idly zalning the reputation of being the third fuaniest member of the House, was greeted with encouraging laughter and applaus “The Speaker having ruled thai a funny story had heen told under Queen Anne, Lord Pintop then lated a story of how a Pullman ear passenger was put off at Buffalo by the porter. The House, which is easil: to merriment and which enjoys nothing (except its lunch) so much as a good joke, was convulsed with laughter. “The Speaker, in thanking the hon- orable member for the story, said that he helieved that it was the same stors as was told under Queen Anne “The prime minister then said he would resume his speech on buck wheat. He was about to do so whe Mr. Tlvitch Halfoff. member for the Russian district of Westminister. said that he would like first to rise and present a resolution for the immedi ate introduction of communism inta England. The House was in a turmoil in a minute “Cries of * koo of ‘Attaboy! stuff, were Russia Forever!” wer mixed with the singing of the ‘Mar seillaise’ and the counter-singing of ‘Scots Whoo Hoo! It was said after ward that the singing was the best |ever heard in the House this month. ‘At this point in the debate the woman usher of the Black Stic rushed into the House and called, ‘Hurry out, hoys, there is a circus procession coming down’ Whitehall" The whole House rushed out in a hody, only the Speaker remaining be hind for one minute to adjourn the | session.” onsright. 1925 Why the Plane Has Been Slow in Finding Fool-Proof Conditions for Air Travelers BY SAM HELLMA! T LOOKS." I remarks to “High Dome” Finnegan. “that the further we go ahead with aero planes the more accidents they have. Lately the papers have been full of smash-ups." “Of course.” he returns gracefully mi're wr < in’t you heen reading about all o them crashes?” I demands eh.” comes back “High Dome." “‘but the percentage of accidents today ain't nothing like they was 10 yvears ago. You got to remember that the number of planes is increasing every vear and iUs a cinch you're going to have more trouble with 10,000 hoats than vou had with 1,000." “That’s true,” I admits, “'but""—— “Besides,” goes on Finnegan, “you never see nothing in the newspapers about meroplanes that make safe trips. There ain't any more news in a machine winging from Pittsburgh to New York or from London to Paris All you ever hears about is the smash- upe.” ust the same.” I argues, “it don't seem 10 me that they has rhade much progress in aeroplanes in the last 10 years. Ten years after the automobile &ot on the map they had ‘em so a kid couid drive 'em 60 miles an hour and be just as safe as a bobo in arms. 1t's just as dangerous for the average bloke to go up in the air now as it was in 1915. You should imagine they'd have some fool-proof dinguses on aero. planes now that'd make ‘em easy to handle and sure-fire safe.” ‘You got to remember.,” replies “High Dome.” “that the benzine buggy was developed as a peace-time propo sition. with comfort and safety the big 1 “THE BIRD THAT STRAIGHT UP CLEAN-UP." CAN FIGUR WITH AN “They're ton biz and unwieldy to things. while so far the aeroplane hasn’t been anything much but # war. wagon where speed and heizht were the things the inventors was most in terested in. Even today when vou think about an air-ship you think about what it'll do in the next war.” “How about them dirigibles?” T asks. “Do you think they'll ever amount to anything in either war or peace? " says Finnegan, “‘as far as I'm concerned they're a waste of jack and not good for nothing excepting to give vokels at county fairs a chance to get Stff necks. They didn't do a thing in the last war except drop a few bombs over fishing villages. What chance has a big balloon in a scrap with aero planes that can flv higher and faster and with a target as hig as the Waol worth Building te shoot at?” “How ahont ‘em carrying freight in peace times?" T inquires handie in wind storms,” he returns “You gn along sweet and pretty and all of a sudden a spurt of wind cracks in two and all over the country. Wt costs abdut five million beans to turn out one of ‘em and a five cent pocket of wind makes bums out of 'em. The United States'll be a sucker to build any more of ‘em.” “You don't want us to be quitters, do you?” T shoots at him “Quitters, hell”” snaps High Dome.’ “Is a guy a quitier if he starts out to be a marathon runner and then gives up because he's lost a couple of legs in a raflroad accident? It takes more sense to know when to quit than when to start. Any simp can start some thing. hut it iakes a wise haby to lay off when the cards are stacked against him. Tl het there isn't a dirigible in the world that's five vears old." vou you're scattered SCHEME FOR GOING WILL, MAKE SOME E OUT ! AIRPLANE Perhaps not.” | they'll figure safe with the fow.” inquires vou like ta be up in in a lizhtning “What's that demands. T agrees. “hu out_some wind.” Finnegan. “would one of those things storm?" got to do with it?" I wouldn't like to paint smokestacks, either, but that's nothing against the job, is it? How vou going to carry freight through the air unless you use dirigibles”" “In the first place,” say Dome.” “I don’t think there" wild demand right now to lus coal and bales of cotton through the air In the second place, there ain't noth ing to you from making aero planes as big as yvou want ‘em. The same that can build a machine that'll i 000 pounds can make one that'll lift 5,000 tons. It's just a ques tion hody and wing sizes and gines.” pretty soon way to High any stop of en “Yeh," says I, “but the minute you get ‘em that big you're putting ‘em in the same class with balloons. They'll be easy to hit and the wind'll be able to get a mean grip on ‘em.” “Forget it.” velps Finnegan “There's some difference in a storm be- tween a sausage fllled with gas that's lishter than the air and a cruiser of wood and steel skimming along at the rate of 250 miles an hour. Suppose vou shoot at a big plane. T'nless you hit the engine you ain't doing much damage. But a hole in a gas bag is something different again.” “Mavbe vou're right,” says I, “just the same I'm kind of disappointed with them aeroplanes. By this time I fig- ured they'd be as thick and as cheap < s and everybody'd be going rk in them.” one thing that's holding em back,” remarks ““High Dome." “What's that?” I asks. “Aeroplanes,” says Finnegan, “ain’t £0ing to be verv strong in the cities until some goof figures out a way to £et ‘em off the ground without a run- ning start. The way things are now You got to taxi two or three blocks be- fore vou can rise. How's a bim in New York or Chicago going to use 'em under the circumstances? How'd you land a machine on Broadway or Sgate Street and how'd vou make your geta- way? The bird that can figure out a scheme for going straight up with an aeroplane will make some clean-up, feller.” “Didn’t T read some place.” T asks, “where some feller in Europe has got a plane that Il do just that?” “On paper,” says ““High Dome,” “but I ain't got no doubt that the scheme will be worked out some day. Then a business man’ll drop right down on the roof of his office building. or he'll park his aeroplane in the street just like automobiles are today. When he gets ready he'll press a button and up he'll go. “When he gets a certain dis- tance he'll just steer in the direction that_he wants. “How,” I wants to know, “are you going to park aeroplanes in’ the street with them big wings?” “That'll be a cinch, “returns Finne- gan., “They'll work out a hinge scheme so the wings can be folded up and the machine won't take as much room as a motor car. 1 could invent that myself.” “Why,” T inquires. “don't you de velop the siraight-up idea, also. Try veast." “Yeast?" puzzles “Sure.’ 1 ain't it? ‘High Dome." ‘It's self-raising, says (Coneright, 18251 At Last the Cause of Rugged Weather At the North Pole Has Been Discovered BY ED WYNN. FAR Mr. Wynn: T am a boy 8 vears old, and am in the fourth grade at school. My teacher has offered a prize for the boy who can write a sentence with the two words “Peaches” and “Gruesome” in the same sentence. Can you help me out? Yours trul A TRUANT. Answer: Sure 1 can help you. Here js a sentence with both words you mentfon in it: “The man planted an orchard full of trees and ‘gruesome peaches.’” Dear Mr. Wynn: I met a friend of mine today I haven't seen in years. He told me his father died on the “scaffold.” He didn't seem ashamed to tell me about it, that's what got my goat. Can you account for a fellow who will go around and say a thing like that about his father, without blushing? } Sincerely, I. D. CLAIRE. | Answer: Because your friend told | you his father died on the “scaffold” it doesn’t necessarily mean he wasx hanged for murder. He might have been a bricklayer and, if so, probably tell. Dear Mr. Wynn: Can you tell me ‘when the Russian-Japanese war was fought? Sincerely, A. POLE. Answer: It was fought on a Thurs- day. Dear Mr. Wynn: What !s meant when they say * up”? A man died standing Truly vo M. RALMER. Answer: When a man dies standing up, it means his feet are so large he can't fall over. Dear Mr. Wynn: My father and 1 like 10 R0 to the theater. We are hoth very fond of all kinds of shows. But, after every show we see, we disagree as to its merits. He Insists the shows today are not like the shows when he was my age. If there is any differ- ence, will you kindly tell me about it? Truly yours, I.'C. PLAYS. Answer: The only difference T noti is that it has changed from the “Ears to the “Eves.” What I mean is, years ago we used to go to the theater to hear “new ditties,” now theater to see “nudities we g0 to the Dear Mr. Wynn: Have heen reading in the newspapers, ahout the different men who are trying (o reach the North Pole. From what T read. it i the severe cold which keeps them from reaching their goal. Do you really think it is so very, very cold as they claim? 1f so. why is it 8o much colder there than elsewhere? Sincerely, X. PLORER. Answer: Yes, the North Pole is a severely cold place. The reason for this is that there are no thermometers at the North Pole, consequently it can get as cold as it pleases. | Dear Mr. Wynn: In a discussion last evening. the prohibition subject arose. We spoke of all the money being made !by the bootleggers. One man said that “DIFFERENT MEN WHO ARE TRYING TO REACH THE NORTH POLE.” the most money made in bootlegging was made by men who formerly manu factured sausages. Why should they know more ahout it than others? Truly_yvours, FRANK FOOTER Answer: The reason sausage makers turn out to be good bootleggers is be cause of the fact they have been used to selling things “under cover.” Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 have a gon who is attending college. He is studying surgery. 1 fear he is becoming men- tally unbalanced, because he is always talking of cutting and operations. I can't stop him. What shall I do? Why, only last night he grabbed a book I was reading, looked hurriedly through it. and when he came to ths part of the hook which said “Appen- dix™” he cut it out. Oh, what shall 1 do? Sincerely, E. THUR. Answer next week THE PERFECT FOOL. (Covyright. 1925.) 1 i | How He Began. Ambitious Freshman (to Senior) - How did you become such a wonder- ful orator? Senior—I began addressing velopes. en- In That Case. Waiter—Tea or coffee? Customer—Coffee without cream. Waiter—Y¥em'll have to take it out milk, sir; we're out of creanm