Evening Star Newspaper, October 11, 1925, Page 89

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C., OCTOBER 11, 1925—PART 5. 5 Poetic Thoughts of Autumn, Speed Fiends and the Age of Prizes Practicing at Favorite. Village Sport rilous When Driving Of Missing Trains Pe INA WILCOX PUTNAM. I By S Henry the Ate, King of Eng- land, British Isles and_Wails wrote in the English National Anthem, when he wrote it, “The Hand That Rocks the t Will Rue the Waves! And I, personally myself often feel where if he was alive today, he would make up another verse along the same lines nbont the steering wheels and brakes of automobiles. All this come violently to my mind the other day when that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club called up and invited I and George, that's my hus- band, to drive in their car to the Hawthorne Club's__Autumn Trap hooting Contest. Well, feeling as I do about the poor dumb wild animal &nd trapping them to make fur coat for women who can afford fur coats and women who simply get them any s, why natu I felt 1 would > to see a tra The more traps that ter both T and them coat-bearing ani- mals was likely to feel So I says ves indeed Joe, we will be delighted to go, will you éall for us? And Joe Bush says no, I will honk, be all ready and don't keep us waiting 1 says how s five but long? hundred y 3 there’s a detour. Well, when Geo. come night and I had dug b under ‘the bundles Le was carrying ®0's 1 could s¢ expression while T talked, 1 says to him, say Geo. I says, that Joe Bush called up to and we are going out to the Haw thorne Club in their car tomorrow. Well, Geo. then odness knows where e will be the day after, call Your sins, Jennie, he says to me. but, he added, it sure will be a relief not to be driving the car myself for onct. And, he subtracted, T know Joe Is a rotten driver but 1 can give him advice as we go alon Now George we actually nany figures as to automobil well, 1 got fire ar if the car is st company guarantee will enjoy a nice ho full collision. Which 1 collide on_anyth floor, and If the car is full but the| driver ain't, why the company guar- antees a long correspondence. Then I got employers liability. That fixes things so's if some stranger asks me for a ride and I don't give it to him, he can't collect from me if I have @ aceident after refusing him the lift. In other words I am as fully covered &8 a bed with full sized blankets on it I give Geo. the kind of a look of ad- miration which is due any husband from his wife every onct or twice in a | while. home that m out from Jules! T s you tell me in so how you are insured And Geo. says, theft. That means | and burned, the that somebody | Also, T got| means that if | except a dance before * X * % ELL anyways, the morning when these traps to be shot, around come Joe Bush in his Useless Six, and around is correct. He come through our gate in a loop the loop effect and Geo. hadda shove the front porch out into the driveway to stop him In the right place. Well, hello folks, Joe says, whew, that was a close one, ha! ha! my brakes need relining, I told Mabel to get it dome, but the telephone connection wasn't so good and she got my last years overcoat re- lined instead, but I guess the brakes will hold good enough for this little trip, or else we'll all die together, eh? Ha! ha! Well naturally I didn't crave heavily to dle with that Joe Bush. Anytime 1 get ready to die in a motor accident I want to be in somebody's car where I can sue for big damages, after, and get them. So I didn't say nothing only hello dear to Mabel, Joe's wife, &nd got in the back seat where I could have a fine view of my husband get- ting a fine view of Joe's method of driving. Joe Bush is one of them friendly drivers which is always afraid the folks on the back seat won't have a good time unless he turns around and talks to them, but he never does =0 if he s going over 60 or 70 miles per hour. Under them circumstances he would often on this trip head for & big truck load of dynamite or some- thing, step on the gas, sand turn hooting contest: | as shot, the bet- | | there wouldn’t act, and Joe Bus “HEY, FOLI WHATTER YOU CARE IF WE HAVE A COLLISION? IT AL YOUR CAR!” a pleasant smile and say how'd you all like a hot dog? Or else he would go over a bump, and at once turn to- wards a good strong looking telephone pole and twist around to shout are you still there, folks? The way he could take a blind turn on the inside of the curve would of made something jealous, a guess. Onct when we pretty near smacked another boat full on the radi- ator while coming around one of them folding stretches of road, Geo. let out a holler to be careful. But Joe Bush, he was just full of fun, smiling back at us and yelling out as he headed for the outer edge of the cliff, hey folks, whatter you care if we have a collision, it ain’t your car! Well, Mabel had often told me, be- fore this ride, see, how Joe, mornings, was forever missing trains. And the day of this trip I guess he was prac- ticing for that favorite sport of his. Anyways, 1 know he missed three trains on the way to the Hawthorne Club—one by about 15 inches, another by good luck and the power of my lungs, and the third by pure accident, meaning the kind of accident that don’t do nobody any harm. In other words, Joe had a flat tire right on the track just as the engine come into sight. And it seems the engineer was selling tires as a side line, so he stopped the train right beside Joe's car and got out and took a order. The fireman had a sideline of insurance, and he took this oppor- tunity of trylng to talk Joe into a extra accident policy right then and there, but Geo. interfered and wouldn't let him, on account he claimed where it would be undue influence. x ok % % WWELL, after we had left the last raflroad track behind, not caring to tear up any and take it with us, why we come to a coupla high moun- tains and going up was all right if slightly asthmatic. But going down, them brake linings which were not seem- ed to think this was a great joke. The minute we commenced heading into the view below, he seen I was upset. From the expression on my voice he judged so when I says something about the downward and narrow path, and he looked around and says now Jennie don’t you worry old dear, this car I8 completely covered with in- surance! As a general thing Joe Bush s right handed, but when he got out on the highroad this day, his Eng- lish blood asserted itself or would of, if he had had any English blood; he just s‘mply couldn’t seem to stay off the left hand side, and he kept trying arvound, showing all his bridgework in to pass cars on the right. Whenever E\mazing iole, I he done this the old sense of humor would crop up again, and he would look over his shoulder and yell, missed that one, by heck, too bad, eh? Hon- est, I and Geo. pretty near died laugh- ing more then once during the trip, well, pretty near died, anyways. Hot Bozo, I am a driver myself, I can drive anything from nalls to bar- gains, and when it comes to automo- biles, I admit where I am one of the champlon backseat drivers of the U. 5. A. But never before have I went through such a tough time as with that Bush feller. Why positively, there was holes wore in the soles of my shoes from pressing down on imaginary brakes. As for George, well George is a care- ful driver, a awful careful driver, when playing golf. On the road, that is something else ugain, something very peculiar and even his own mother can’t understand it for, as she has often explained to me, she certainly taught him safety first, having used simply dozens of safety pins on him when he wus & Infant, and now he is almost as reckless as the tail end of a forkful of spaghetti trying to wriggle out of the inevitable. Why, I have been with that man when he has passed a trolley car, standing still. 1 mean the trolley was standing still, at the end of the line. But just the same I wouldn't of taken a chance like that, myself. I'd of stepped on the gas and tried to jump it. On account I believe if a person is gonner take any risks, they might as well be real ones. * ok ok ok ELL anyways, as I was telling, we drove, bucked, hopped and skid- ded out to the Hawthorne Club and seen all them poor litte traps shot which I never knew before that they was made of clay, and how they hold the animals I8 still a wonder to me unli the clay is wet at the tim well, anyways, we seen a_big bag of slaughtered whole dump wagon, to be exact, and then come the ? of getting home. Joe Bush claimed he wasn't a bit tired and was perfectly glad to drive back, but Geo. says no no old man, let me drive, you done enough for one trip. Enough what, Geo. didn't specify. So Joe Bush savs all right old man, only for heaven's sake take it easy! And Geo. says all right old top, on account Joe Bush didn't specify what was to be taken easy—but 1 guess he must of meant his cracks, which he commenced to get off a8 soon as we got started. These was the most absurd things, such as have a heart old man, we wanner get home alive, don’t step on her through here, | is that the cops 1s awful active, look out for that trolley, can'tcha, and etc. Well, before we was % ways home I felt pretty near sick of that line. I believe a wife should be loyal to her husband, and that if any party s to be allowed to criticise Geo.'’s driving, why it ought to be me. So when that Joe Bush for the thirteenth time told ieo. to please go easy on the edges of the road, the tires was new and for the fourteenth time to for Heavens sake keep her down to ninety, I says key boys lemme drive a while, und being company, why I won out. Naturally, I ‘am a mother, so 1 am a careful driver. Evervtime I seen a scrap of paper on the road, I put out my hand to warn the fel- ler behind. I had done this, ever since the invasions of Belgium by the Ger- mans. Whenever somebody in front of me turned off, T put out my hand, and also each time anybody wanted to get in front of me. But I made pretty good time, at that, around fifteen miles a hour, and I didn't hit only one truck, just slightly, two tele- phone poles and one cat of the same denomination, all the way to our house. * % Xk % WELL. when we got to our place, why naturally we got out, and we says such a lovely drive, folk Thank you so much, such time, we certainly enjoyed it. then I and Geo. went on Well! says Geo. of all the fool drivers I ever seen, that Joe Bush is the worst! How he imagines anybody can enjoy riding while he fs driving is more then I can tell, I was as nervous as w trembling aspirin tree, all the whole time, and at that I've gone and ¢ overcoat in dear, quick T sa s they get home. And I done so, and says hello. Mabel dear, u? And she says yes, dear, and I says that was such a delightful drive that George forgot all about h overcout, did he leave it in the Just then I could hear that Bush yell across the room, if it's t ldiot of a driver, George Jules, him he can have my overcoat as Jo at tell 1 if he’ll promise not to try and drive| me again! So the coat is Mabel say es dear, him drive home tonight and thank him again! = And as T hung up on them sweet words, I couldn't help but think of the old sweet saying which goes “Hosts are Hosts and Guests is Guest to knock each other is meat!"” (Copsizht, 1925.) Radio Achievement Arouses Pride and Results in Singular Award By RING LARDNER. O the editor: By this time it is an old story that Miss Lan- phier or something from sunny California was officially chose Miss America at the "annual Atlantic City pippin konklave last mo., falso that Miss Rena Frew of Beaver, Pa., was form: christened Miss Radlo during the world's radio exposition in N. Y. city. Miss Lan- phier win the plume for being the nost beautiful gal in the U. 8. while Miss Frew got her medals for having tuned in on more distant stations than any other radio fan of the silly sex. Interviewed by newspaper men Miss Lanphier said she owed all her success 1o her mother. Miss Frew attributed hers to the ar Miss Frew, when feen by re ors, was in a DX static mood. Contests like these kind is always bound to call fc a good many shower bouquets of raspberries for the sudges of same s friends and relatives of the defeated candidates won't never admit thut the best man win, but it seems to me like they ain't libel to be Teur as much injustice in the beauty contest as In the radio brawl. The gals at Atlantic City has got to prove their ¢ ations in costumes that eannot lie, whereas the radio queen elected more or Jess on her own belief that she got Honolulu last night and Odessa the night before. Persor I have not heard none of Miss F opponents make a squawk, but If they did they might have more of a log to stand on than Miss Lanphier's rivals though the legs of the last n: not to be sneezed at, if the rotc re sections speaks true. In his speech naccompanying the presentation to Miss Frew of the diamond studded rubher heels or what- ever the first prize may of heen, Gov. Al 8mith of New York said she had been picked as the American girl most typical of radio. Had I of been Miss Yrew's brother, Mr. Frew, I would of sewed the Gov. for libel or else slap- ped his face. As I say, the stories of these 2 con- tests 18 old stuff, but it may be news to my readers that as an aftermath of same there has been 3 similar com- petitions staged in different localities which strikes me as just as important as the ones that was given such wide publicity, and In one of these the writer took part and win first prize. Chief amongst the contests referred to was one to decide on America’s most beautiful man and I don't half o tell my many admires that it was not in this one that I allowed the usuage of my name as I positively cringe from any flattering reference o my eyes, cars, nose and throat and pave actually went for several days without shaving in order to distract unwelcome attention from bleating nostrils and shapely moles. No, the masculine pulchritude melee was put on without my entry which is perhaps just as well when you re. call how some of the gals yelped when Dorothy Knapp and Miss Ray of the chorus attempted to crash into the scrimmage at Atlantic City, and further and more, just prior to this contest (the men's) they was such a big protest vs. the presence of pro- fessional beautles like Rudolph Valen- tino, Nick Altrock, Jack Barrymore and Ed Wynn that these 4 Venuses was obliged to withdraw. The event was held over the hose house in What Cheer, Ia., and the win- ner was Mr. Hal O'Flaherty a local boy. The judges was the Shuberts, Peggy Hopkins, Judge Landis and the Mayo brothers. Mr. O'Flaherty in ac- cepting the first prize, a soup spoon equipped with a copper screen to pre- vent oysters, vegetables and etc., from entering the mouth, sald he owed his success to a rallway accident. The second prize was a mask which can be worn at all times and completely hides the face. It was awarded to Willlam A. Lange of S8an Francisco better known as Bill Lange who play- ed center fleld for the old Chicago Colts and caught evervthing with one hand including the Deuce from the management. Mr. Lange attributed his triumph to & misunderstanding. “ND PRIZE WAS AWARDED TO BILL LANGE, WHO PLAYED CENTER FIELD FOR THE OLD CHICAGO COLTS AND CAUGHT EVERYTHING WITH ONE HAND.” el b iquestion I can't answer. Following 1s Mr. Flaherty’s measure. ments: Head—Normal, 67%; expanded, 7 Neck- ormal, 14'¢; expanded, 15 Walist—Normal, 32; expanded, 42, Ankle—Normal, 17; swollen, 19. P % A 8 7 gt ‘Winter, 7%; A; Summer, An effort to have Mr. O'Flaherty christened Mr. America was knocked for a goal by a preemptory vote from President Coolidge. “I'm glad he win if T couldn’t,” said Mr. Lange. ‘“Who is he?"” In the men's radio event it was the writer of the present article who was unanimously awarded first prize and nicknamed Mr. Radio. This contest was to decide who had come farthest from getting the farthest away sta- tions and I was elected after relating an experience that took place no longer ago than last wk. On our radio it meems that when the arrows on the different dlals is pointed to No. 70, 68 and 68 respy. why you gét one of the main N. Y. stations Namely WEAF. Well one night I got tired of the en. tertainment on WEAF, and decided to try and get WRED which is Lan- sing, Mich. The numbers for this sta- tion is 2814, 28 and 23 which I turned to same and in less time than it takes to tell it, I heard the voice of the an- nouncer saying this is station WEAF New York. The prize arrived in next morning’s mail and turned out to be a bill for $14 from Dr. Niesley for vaccinating the wife and kiddies. In next week's letter I will give an acct. of one of the most interesting contests of all, namely the one to se- lect the humeliest eggs in the world. | reality, Summer is the dead time. a’ dandy | And | inside. | their darned old | 'M®a7 “all em up and mention it, will | YU I'll call them|I velp fe, and Joe says to tell| George what a big relief it was to have | So Many Things Starting Up Into Life As Celery and Lobsters BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. H HE present week may be taken as more or less representative of the season called Autumn, For a good many hundred years the poets have been busy with this season as they have with all the others. Around each of them they have created a legend. And the legend# are mostly untrue and need correcting. For example, in Spring there is sup- posed to be a tremendous gayety lot loose, The young lamb is said to skip rnd play; and the young man's fancy is supposed to turn towatrd thoughts of love. young lamb humped up and shivering in the April rain for want of an over- coat knows just how false this lamb idea Is; and anybody who has seen a young man of today getting smoothed up for a Winter evening party knows just when the real season of the lovers comes. There are hawthorns in blossom in the lanes in the Spring, and in the Winter there are rubber trees in the restaurants with no blossoms at all. But the rubber tree sees more of love in one evening than the hawthorn does In its whole life. The same kind of myth has gath- ered round the Summer. The poets have described it as rich, luscious, glorious, crowned with flowers and drowsy th the hum of the bee. I’n t of the sweltering heat is the time | and the breathless nights, when people slecp upside down with their feet on the rail of the bed; when there is no one in the city but the farmers and no one on the farms but the city people; in short when life 1s all dle- turbed, deranged, and out of orts; when it is too hot to think, too late to begin anything, and too early to start something; when intellect dies, oratory is dumb. and national prob- lems slumber. At such a time there Is nothing of current interest except the expeditions to the North Pole and the rescue parties sent out to drag away the explorers. . Then comes Autumn. The poet de- scribes it us the decline of the year. The leat withers. The russet woods shiver in the moaning wind. The poet on his lonely Autumn walk talks with he shepherd on the mutability of life and all Is sadness. P JOW it occurs to me all this stuff about Autumn, us applied here and now, fs nonsense. No doubt it was all true when men lived in woods Anybody who has seen a, counted the days until the return of the sun. But in thing doesn't fit at all. Autumn the real beginning of the year, the new start after the dead season. Wit- nexs, in {llustration, some of the glad sings that mark the oncoming of the Autumn season. The return of the oyster. I can imagine no more pleasing eight to the true lover of nature than the first is | How dainty is its coloring! How soft- ly it seems to le upon its little dish! its bed of mud, urst forth agafn has been asleep In but now nature has and the oyster is k with us. The young lamb. And alongsid, of the oyster, look who is here too! |in the Springtime in a feeble attempt | to jump, but the true lamb, valued at la dollar a portion, and eaten along | with Autumn cauliflowers, Jerusalem | |artichokes, and October our own time the | oyster peeping out of its half shell. |&omething All through the dull, dead Summer it | The lamb, the real lamb, not the poor | ungainly thing that humped up itself | of happiness is beginning again. the principal sign of it-— “BACK IN OUR SEATS AGAIN AS TWO WONDERFUL SRS HURL THEMSELVES THROUGH THE AIR.” and no vegetables. every time th in Autumn, with herd. And the flowers! worth these Autumn es, or the right plural. * %k ND no wond riess as The recpening son. TRAPEZE shivered in the rain, and | With what eager eyes is it regarded by the people who have spent the Summer where there is no fresh meat For the true as- pect of the bounty of nature, give me ght of a butcher shop the pink nestiing in the white celery, pure as| snow. When the poet wanted inspira- tion he went and talked with a shep- T'd rather talk with a chef. Ah, there now is | ceeing. * r we need the flowers, for with Autumn the glad season | Wit of the vaudeville sea- All through the dull dead Sum mer we have not seen a single “acl uspragus. | We were away from town, or it w lobsters is % | again! Crown Autumn too hot, or the theaters in our victnit: were closed. But now we are all back fin seats again watching The Seven ters—can they really be sisters pourding out music from wine - from sticks of wood, from cowbs from anything they have handy. are agaln the two wonderful trapezc performers who hurl themselves through the alr. So far we have never seen them break thefr necks. But courage, a new season is beginning. Here is the Magician with his carc and the Strong Man with his dumb: bells, and the Trained Dog that ac- tually sits on a siool. They are all back with us again for the opening of another happy season. The only trouble is to find time to £0 to see them. So many things are starting up into life all at once in this glad moment of the vear Not only vaudeville {s beginning but foot ball has opened up again. lere we are crowded into the stadiums—or rather, the stadiora—in tens of thou- sands, covered with college colors and chrysanthemums, in the bright Au tumn sunshine, with splendid seats only a quarter of a mile from the game. Foot ball having started means, of | course, that the colleges are all re opening and when happ can feel our intellectual life t} been dormant in the dead heat Summer come back in throb. Soen we shall to popular lec ics, und Intellectuul kind of thing ? right to the people and le And not only the colle clubs—culture and brotherhood clubs “are all beginning a new season There are the men's luncheon and speaking clubs right down the line, and the Ladies' Fortnightly, and the Morning Musical, ail starting in st |once. All through the Summer we have never heard a single addres Look at | oW e < we can hear a chrysanthemums r(nm!‘\‘“ in one week we can hear a out of the hothouse, and the gladio- the gladiolalula—if that Even the beautiful | big blue violets will soon be with us,| {at $5 a bunch. on T Year Mexican Folk Music, or , or Ten on | Weeks in Mongol! | Sing Sing The new life 18 on the move. The dead leaves been swept up and 2 -r spoll the view. The motori 1f the poet on his Autumn sunk in reverie, gets In the way, let him look out or well sink him to where hell never come back Autumin, crowned celery and lob: its wreath is with us with TS, ot (Conyright. 1925.) He Would Let Down the Immigrant Bars If a Trade Is in Need of More Workers BY SAM HELLMAN. EMS,"” remarks Kate, “that every time I pick up a paper there is either a coal strike zoing on or talk wbout one starting. What's the trouble this time? “Why ask me?” I comes back n't it say in the plece you read? ‘There is something about a check- off,” answers the frau, “but that don't ¥ more to me than it does to Keep vour ignorance to vourself,” and don’t try to split your stupldity 50-50 with me. T know more things than you've forgotten, and—-" Sure you do,” admits the misses. “What is this check-off stuff?” Well,” says 1, “them hunkles in the mine want to Le paid off in cash, hut the owners want to pay off with checks, and there you are; but that n't the real reason for the boys going out on a strike. “What {s?" axks the frau. “Do you think you could under- stand?"’ I returns. “Anything you got words enough to explain,” eniffs Kate, “I got brains enough’ to hook ont “The trouble ix,” I tells her, “that there ain't enough coal mines in this | country to go aronnd.” ‘Meaning what?" inquires the wife. “Meaning,” I explains, “that there are more miners than there are holes in the ground. with the results that there’s not work enough to keep ‘em all busy. “That’ comments the misses. *““What's 8o goft about digging coal that there's such a wild rush to ket jobs “It ain't soft,” 1 assures her, “but for a foreigner that can't speak & word of English and who ain't got nothing but a strong back and a weak mind it's the quickest way to make a lotta cush quick. A miner working steady can knock out from 60 to 100 a week.” “That's a lot of money,” remarks Kate. “Yeh,” says I, “even if you don't get it, but there’s a cockroach in the soup—the work’s not steady. I read some place that the ayerage digger don't average 20 weeks In the year. At that rate he's lucky to knock out about $1,500 a_year. You can't keep a very big yacht on that.” * % % % $T)ON'T those miners know that when they start on the job?” Kate wants to know. “No,” says I. “About 50 per cent of these coal heavers are foreigners, and they're not jerry to anything. They're dumped into the mines as soon . “THAT THERE AIN'T ENOUGH COUNTRY TO GO AROUND.” | week straisht along is got it all over {2 mechanic getting $10 a day.” “What's all of this got to do with the coal strike?” asks the frau “The road to vour b under repair just now, 1 was detouring.” s tol ns, “ Long-Tailed Fowls. HE tail feathers of one species | of Japanese fowl measure no less than 12 feet. This startiing and curi- ous specimen so interested scien fsts that at one of the experiment: stations the feature | the tail growth is being worked out with the ultimate possibility of the Lreed's being raised in America. The introduction of the breed is sald t have been brought about b of Japan, whose aperial cre £ feather. Yearly he offered a prize to him who shotld bring him the long est feather. The greatest effort and sklll were therefore employed by the breeders to produce the greatest lenzth of tall feathers possible. At present, it is said, only a few old fanciers know the secret of succese { fully breeding these fowls. A few au | thentic _detaiis have. however, been obtained in regard to the method of breeding. The particular breed 1s con- fined to the region in and ahont Kochi. ot as they land, and before they get a chance to look around for something else they owe the compan: store their wages for the next 11 years. f there are too many miners now,” asks Kate, “how do the newcomers ause lots of the min m than the old-time plains. “They're gluttons for work till they get to know Amerlcan ways, and, besides, they don't belong to no unions when they land. “How do those poor when they, §0 on a strik the frau. “A strike don't mean very much to a coal miner,” I returns. *“Like I told only about 20 or 30 weeks to go around, anyways. What's the difference if you take it out in a lay-off or a strike? These lads that are out now'll have steady work for a lot of weeks after the strike is called off, and In a few months they'll have drawn just as much pay as they would have if there hadn't been a strike. They always make It easy for the owners and the public, too, by striking just before Winter starts. You craz; rather inquires demands Kate. “How The Perfect Fool, Who Still Knows All, Continues to Answer Hard -Questions BY ED WYNN. EAR Ed Wynn:—Am writing to you as I know you are a dear friend of my Father. You, of course, remember what a great Pistol shot he has always been. Well, yesterday he answer it for me? The question i “What did Noah say when he heard the storm approach Sincerely, IMA KIDD. should know Answer:—Everybody ‘When Noah those famous words. put a bottle of Scotch Whiskey on a ! heard the storm approach he put his table, stood off about 10 feet, took out his revolver and shot at the bot- tle of Scotch six times ana without hit- ting it. What do you think of that? Truly yours, WILLIE M. PRUVE. Answer:—Knowing your father as I do, I can really say it is astounding. In fact, it is the first time I have ever known your father to miss a drink. Dear Ed Wynn:—I am a girl 19 years of age. There i8 a young man who seems to be madly in love with me, but I am not sure I love him; he has proposed to me. He swears that it I marry him he will treat me like an “Angel.” What shall I do? Yours truly, 1. M. KICKIDE. Answer:—Always beware of the man who calls you an *““Angel,” or the man who says he will treat you like an “Angel.” o to any art gallery and look at a painting of an “Angel.” You will immediately see all the clothes he intends buying you. Dear Mr. Wynn:—I am a little girl 9 years of age. I go to Sunday school every Sunday. I have some lessons to do for next Sunday; one Wil you hands behind his ears and he sald: “Ark! Ark!"” Dear Mr. Wyn y brother is in the Regular Army and I have decided to enlist In the Army also, but do not know what to do. You see the only condition under which I will join the Army is that I must be near my brother. How shall I go about join- ing the Army and being close to my brother? e is in the 74th Regiment. Truly yours, e D. ZERTER. Answer:—Yours is a difficult prob- lem, but I will help you. First, write to the U. S. Government and tell them you wish to enlist in the Army and as you want to be near your brother, who's in the 74th Regiment, you wish to be put in the 76th. Dear Mr. Wynn:—What becomes of all the Rum, the prohibition officials pour into the Bay. Sincerely, HAIGEN HAIG. Answer:—There is a concern making millions on this oversight of the Gov- ernment. As the “Rum” is poured into the “Bay,” this concern bottles it up again and sells it to the Barber Shops for “Bay Rum.” . Dear Mr. Wynn:—There is a man liv- ing across the street fram me who is acting queerly. The first day I saw him he was running around his back yard drinking from a medicine bottle. The second day I watched him he was still running and still drinking from this medicine bottle. Now, the third day I looked over I saw him skipping around the yard and still drinking from the same medicine bottle. Can you account for these strange actions? Yours truly, V. GATES. Answer:—The man you refer to is evidently a very sick man and his doc- tor must have told him to take his medicine two days running and then skip a day. Dear Mr. Wynn:—I am a boy 10 years old and have always been taught to be polite to ladies. My mother and father and I re riding in a crowded street car. I sitting on my fath- er's lap. A strange lady came in the car and as there were no vacant seats, I jumped off my father’'s knees and said: “Lady, take my seat.” Did my mother do right, when she got me home, to spank me? Yours truly, HUGH TELLUS. Answer next week. {(Copyright, 1025.) ! does 1t make it have coal mining time vou need coal hat's simple,” T the c in Summer | Winter. RIght now going for several | time that's out the mise and the boys'il |work. That's the been. In the owners to it, the side.” like this ever: frau. “Probably Government gets for about tive or could see work. that?" unions?” asks Kate. “What if it did?” = way,” having ~ditch-diggers that,” I tells her. by 365. wi T returns, wise for the public to | breed is top just around the 1 s dug tells her. * al that's used in Wintes in Summer, just like the ice you use grows on pond: there i 1 be v, it's boys J “ARE we going to have a strike ear?"” asks the “Wouldn't that make it easy for the “Wouldn't they be able to organize everybody in'the business if there weren't mew men coming in all the time?” I comes back. “There wouldn’t be no troubles with the unlons If all their members had steady work and good wages. It's—"" you let the unions have their cuts in the wife, getting $15 in the enough | coal above ground to keep the country months. the alway: facts the supplies of ¢ was so big about the first of September | that most of the mines would of shut | | down anyway for a_while. |on a strike then the and besides chance to throw in a few demands on al going t b Eot a ‘until the and handles immigration scientific and lets in bird: because we need 'em and not because they got $50 in their pocket and noth- ing the matter with thelr eves.” “How do you mean?” inquires Kate. “We oughtn't to permit guys to come on over,” says I, “unless they got a trade we're short handed in. they wouldn’t let any coal miners in x years they'd prob- ably just be enough to give the ones in the country now steady work all the year around. Later If the mines got short and told the Government they 5.000 more miners steady. then we could let in more miners. 1'd work it that way with all lines of If there's a shortage today in pretzel-benders and accordion players I'd let n just enough of 'em to make up the shortage. What's wrong about big “they'd be a day, like they done for bricklayers.” “I suppose,” I remarks, “you think $15 a day too much for a bricklayer?” “I do,” answers Kate, “when you consider that office men and teachers and such are lucky if they make two or_three thousand a year.” “A bricklaver don't make no more'n “Count out Satur- days, Sundays, legal holidays, stormy weather, illness and dull periods and he's lucky to get in much more than 150 days a year, and that's no bar- gain even at 15 smackers per the diem. The trouble with you and the rest of the vacuums is that the minute you ;llu.r a:out a lad knocking off 31{! o 2 a day you right away multiply it| recco jaw, goggle nose and snufftaks A feller making 50 bucks a | The more common mame is oot | the capital ince of ' he it 100 vears old and is fast becomink extinct. There is said to be no artiticial method of makir the feathers grow. All is done by se lection. Moreover, one must know how to treat the birds during the vario stages of ta wth. The body feu thers springing trom the shoulders at- tain a length of four feet. Two years is the time necessury to produce a full - | rowth of tail. The tail feathers grow | from four to seven inches a month, and continue to increase as the bird er. The fowl lives from eight to ten years. The hens lay about s in the Spr and_Autumn, are hatched by other fow Thus the hen shirks the irksome part of the proc The hens are kept all day on a flat perch out only once in two d to walk half an hour or so, a man holding up the tails to prevent them from being torn or soiled €s0. T housed andes¥ > ¥aken and allowed Sweets for Athletes CIENTISTS have upset the dope of hard-hearted tralners who rulc dy off the diet of athletes, s S clence. Dr. Bur; s Gordon and sev- eral other physicians of Boston have found as a result of experiments that marathon runners who have lived on a generous carbohydrate diet during the training season and who eat candy” before and during the rac not onl come ont whead but are also in much better physical condition than those who run unsweetened. The expertmenters got the hint that sugar had something to do with the hysical condition of runners when : ies of blood tests made a year aco after the American marathon race re vealed that those who were most ex hausted showed very low blood sugar and others, less exhausted, showed gomewhat higher sugar percentage. Some extreme cases even presented an appearance similar to that of shock produced in diabetic paiients by an overdose of insulin, a substance nec essary to the proper disposal sugar in the blood and which diabetics lack. Results of blood tests made accord ingly, using sugar rations during this year's marathon, have just been made public. Runners were placed on hish carbohydrate diets before the race, L sldes being given large doses 24 nours before and supplied with candy and oversweetened tea at wayside stations. The blood tests after the race showed normal blood sugars in all cases In contrast to previous results. There was striking improvement in general physical condition and running time was faster in many cases. He Has Many Names. 'HE surf scooter boasts more titles than a penniless nobleman, savs Nature Magazine, having upward of a score of local names, among the more elegant being those of plaster bill, mo-