Evening Star Newspaper, February 22, 1925, Page 63

THE SUNDAY STAR, 'WASHINGTON, Another George’s Birthday Nina Wilcox Putnam Gives Modern Story 6f Attack on Tree BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. B that great writer, Anonymous, once said, “Blessed is the fam- ily that don't have to receive presents from rich relatives,” and when he says that he said @nough to make a second vol. to the Bictionary. This struck me so true it pretty near knocked me over this morning when T and George, that's my hu band, opened up a parcel that had come from Uncle Will last night and on the inside was a hat tree, one of them things a person stands in_the hall to put coats and kellys on. Evi- dently Uncle Will couldn’t stand this one iIn his hall no longer, so he sent * 3t to us. Anything the dear old gent wants to get rid of he generously gives to us and weo have to gratefully accept whils he Iives, on account while we never think of his money, still there 18 no use hurting a person’s feelings, especially when they are old and etc. Well anyways, when this package come we thought it was maybe a present for Junior, on scount the twenty-second fs his birthday, too, the same as Gen. Geo. Washington, the inventor of America. But no, hers it was merely one more thing we would haf to keep In sight in case Uncle Wil called. It was an antique, of the Farly Pullman period, made outa cherry, the bright red kind, with hoofs and horns of brass. The horns was to hang things on, and it was lucky for Unole Will he wasn't there, we might of been tempted. Waell, Geo. says for the luvva Lucy, ain't that awful, and I says my heav- and Junlor savs aw Ma, why ain’t it @ birthday present for me, and I says now son, just on account it s your birthday, you can't expest everything that comes to the house to be yours, now go get that nice o0l chest poppa give you and play quist & while, go on, now. Then I and Geo. cleaned up the wrappings which had come around that darn hat tree, and finally left st standing out in the hall while we went and set down in the living room to get back our strengtb. And Junior having gone off some place to play quiet, why I and Geo. got to talking about him, and how we hoped ho wouldn't grow up to resemble Incle 4will, or for all of that to be like enybody in elther George's family or smine. PR JAND then I says, well Geo. you know I have always felt where Juntor might grow up to be like George Washington it certainly is remarkable the way them two hap- v pened to get born on the same day and both named George and all, I shouldn't wonder if Junior was to live to cross the Delaware at his own risk, in spite of the detour signs and everything, the same as the Gen. did. Anyways, I says, I am sure trying to raise him on the principles which the General's Ma did, to be a real patriot and build a handsome home some place for tourists to visit, on the same style as that house of Wash- ington's, you know, Mount Vernon, the place that's called after all them tittle towns. And Geo. says yeh, my son should £Tow up to bs a real good American, and if he don’t why it won't be on acoount I ain’t tried to raise him right, he says, only, he says, I dunno, the boys and girls of today ain't got the ideals like they used to have. Well Hot Bozo, that got my goat, and I at once says, stuffing and non- sense George Jules, 1 says, there is atill plenty of younger generations in this country who realize how our ¢ fathers fought and died for this U. S. A. and how our 4 mothers cleaned and dyed for the 4 fathers, I says, and that Gen. Geo. Washington is the finest sample we got of them old times. And Geo. says, well, how many of tem young foiks do you suppose \ could tell me the date of the Battle of Bunker Hill? And I says, well, o you know it yourself, Geo? And he smays that's not the point, and I Easy Course Is Given in One Lesson HE WASN'T NO MORE THAN THE ELKS OR SHRINERS OR KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS OR ANY OF THEM FELLERS WHEN THEY DRESS UP FOR A PARADE.” says I bet you think the Battle of Bunker Hill was fought on a golf ocourse! Well naturally, Geo. says that has got nothing to do with what we was talking about, which is Junior, and whether he will grow up to model hisself on the great man who had the same birthday as him, why can't you keep to the subject, that's the whole trouble of trying to talk se- riously with a woman. Well, T says, I can so stick to the point, in fact it was you, George, got oft the track by trying ot mix up history with Gen. Washington, I says. And, I says, of course I want Junfor should model hisself on the Gen. in every way, except only for the clothes. My heaven, I says, just think how they used to wear them fancy dress costumes all the time! The only thing about Geo. Washing- ton that don’t appear sensible to me is them lace ruffies and them fancy hats and all. And Geo. says aw piffie, he wasn't no worse than the Elks, or Shriners, or Knights of Columbus or any of them fellers when they dress up for a parade, he says, why pretty near any sensible business man likes to do that jazzing up into costume onct in a while for the relaxation from busi- ness worries, and George Washing- ton probably wasn't no different, he says, maybe the picture of him you was thinking of was taken in his lodge outfit, he says, on account there is not the slightest doubt that the Gen. was ot alone & good soldier and pres., but a Al business man as well, which is one other reason why I should like for Junior to grow up to be the same as him. 2 W% LL, that got me thinking, and I could just about see where there was really no reason in the world why anybody’s son couldn’t be a second Washington if only they had the makings of one in them, the only trouble is that the makings most kids has wouldn’t roll Bill Hart even one cigarette. However, my boy was different from all others, I could also realize that. Well Geo. I say, how far Junior goes is merely a question of we bringing him up right. We had ought to learn him things like more kindness to alley cats and not to tie tin cans on them and be less selfish with his candy, and etc, and then there is no reason why he can't be big hearted and gentle and religious and a leader, the same as Washing ton was at Valley Forge that awful cold Winter, when was it? And Geo. says, why 1492, wasn't 1t? ‘And I says, no, no, a lot later then that, I says, I think it was nearer 1620, And Geo. says, say, he says, it's funny, but since I got out of school them dates and things kinda slip my mind, he says. And I says yeh, me too, but T can always remember the big important facts of history, such as Gen. Cust- er's last match, the one the ill wind blew out, and the march to Yorktown, though why on earth they marched with all the rallroads they have around there is a mystery to me. Yeh, says George, I agree it's broad, general culture that a person needs. Well, we thought that over a min- ute and then Geo. says, there is an- other thing in which I would lke Junior to be the same as Geo. Wash- ington, especially if Junior ever gets married, he says, and that is where the old gent says give me liberty or give me death! Aw go on, I says Washington didn't say that! I says it was Theo. Roose- velt, Sr., passed that remark, I says. And Geo. says, well, T bet George ‘Washington thought it, anyways, he says. Didn't he pull the one about being sorry he didn't have but one life to give to his country, neither? And I says, well, maybe he did and maybe he didn’t but anyways I know he gave as many lives as a cat to his country, on account the work he done for it. - Well, says George, I only hope Junior will pull good lines like them when he grows up—a good line gets you a long way. And I say yeb, and if you give some people enough line, why they will hang theirselves with It. Say George, I says, you don't know his- tory, you don't. ‘I bet you a plugged nickel we ain't either of us got any of the dope on Washington straight —and I feel kinda ashamed of the fact. Don't you, honest, now? * ¥ x X ELL, Geo, put his pipe down on the table then and looked at me real serious. Say, Jennie, he says, I am the same as a lot of other busy citizens, he says, as soon as we get outter high school we got to commence remem- bering how much will the shipment come to @ 33% off for cash rather then what ship sailed the ocean blue in 10/12/°92 see? But still what we learned in school done us some good, after all—we got a coupla ideals there, anyways, and one of them is Gen. Geo, Washington. I may mot be able to at present check up on his dates very perfect, or to quoth his speeches exactly cor- rect, he says, but I got a distinct im- pression about him, and I think it is a darn good thing he has got a birth- day every year and that there is pleces in the paper about it, and etc. and a holiday, so's we don't get a chanct to forget that man and what he stands for, and all of which is why I hope my boy will keep him in mind, the same as I do, he says. Well dear, I says, tHat is all very true, and I can say no more than dit- to to it, I says. But one thing has got me worried, George, and that is, have you noticed the faintest symp- toms in Junior of him getting to be like George Washington in any way? 1 personally myself have got to ad- mit, 1 says, that so far I ain’t ob- served even a faint rash, whatter you think, dear? Well, Geo. got up and knocked out his pipe the way husbands do when stalling for time to think up a wise come back to that whatter-you-think- dear-stuff. Then he cleared his throat. Well, T'll tell you, he says, no, I ain’t exactly noticed any resemblance yet, but let us hope for the best. And now I got to go out for a while, I promised Joe Bush to drop in over to the Hawthorne Club this afternoon, and I believe I'll run along now. Well, I and Geo. went out into the hall, where all this time Junior had been playing real quiet, and just as we come out the door there was a awful crash and over tumbled that darned hat tree which Uncle W!ll had sent us. And when Geo. picked it up, and also the hats and coats, why under it was Junlor, and he looked pretty near scared to death, on ac- count the hat tree had been sawed clean in two, and right in plain slght was the nice tool box Geo. had give him for his birthday. ‘Well, Geo. give me one look with meaning in it, and I give him the same back, and then Geo. threw out his chest proudy and he says to Junior, son, he says, tell me the truth, did you do this? And Junior says yes, pop, I did it with my new rip saw. Then Geo. turned to me. See, he On the Modern Treatment of Disease BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ERTAINLY the progress of sclence is a wonderful thing. One can't help feeling proud of it. I must admit that I do. Whenever I get talking to any one—that is, to any one who knows even less about it than I do— @bout the marvelous development of electricity, for instance, I feel as if I had been personally responsible for ir. As for the linotype and the aero- plane and the vacuum housecleaners, well, T am not sure that I didn't in- vent them myself. I believe that all generous-hearted men feel just the pame way about it. However, this is not the point I Bm Intending to discuss. What I want to speak about is the progress ®f medicine. There, if you like, is something wonderful. ~ Any lover of Bumanity (or of either sex of it) who Jooks back on the achlevements of medical sclence must feel his heart glow and his right ventricle expand with the pericardiac stimulus of a permissible pride. Consider the advance of the sclence on its practical side. A hundred years ago it used to be supposed that fever could be cured by the letting et blood; now we know positively that it cannot. Even 70 years ago it was thought that fever was curable by the administration of sedative @rugs; now we know that it isn't. For the matter of that, as recently #s 30 years ago doctors thought that they could heal a fever by means of low diet and the application of fce; now they are absolutely certain that they cannot. This instance shows the steady progress made in the greatment of fever. But there has been the same cheer- #ng advance all along the line. Take rheumatism. A few generations ago people with rheumatism used to have o carry round potatoes in their pock- ets as & means of cure. Now the docters allow them to carry abso- lutely anything they like. They may go round with their pockets full of watermelons if they wish to. It makes po difference. In only one respect has there been # decided lack of progress in the @domain of medicine, that is in the time it takes to become a qualified practitioner. In the good old days a man was turned out thoroughly pquipped after putting in two Winter sslons at a college and spending s Summers in running logs for a pawmill. Some of the students were gurned out even soomer. * K k% OWADAYS it takes anywhere from five to eight vears to be- coma a doctor. Of course, one is w!iling to grant that our young men Jmre growing stupider and lazier every year. This fact will be corroborated at once by any man more than 50 ears of age. But even when this is 1d it seems odd that a man should study elght years now to learn what Be used to acquire in eight months. However, let that go, The point “DO YOU FEEL THAT?” HE SAYS. “HUM!” SAYS “I DO,” SAYS THE PATIENT. THE DOCTOR. I want to develop is that the modern doctor's business is an extremely simple one. which could be acauired in about two weeks. This is the way it is done: The patfent enters the consulting- room. “Doctor,” he says, “I have a bad pain” “Where is it?’ “Here." “Stand up,” says the doctor, “and put your arms up above your head.” Then the doctor goes behind the pa- tient and strikes him a powerful blow in the back. “Do you feel that,” he says. *I do,” says the patient. Then the doctor turns suddenly and lets him have a left hook under the heart. “Can you feel that” he says viclously, as the patient falls over on the sofa in a heap. “Get up,” says the doctor, and counts 10. The patient rises. The doctor looks him over very carefully without speaking and then suddenly fetches him a blow in the stomach that doubles him up speechless. The doctor walks over to the win- dow and reads the morning paper for a while. Presently he turns and begins to mutter more to himself than the patient. “Hum!" says the doctor, “‘there's slight anesthesia of the tympanum.” ' “Is that 802" says the patlent, in an agony of fear. “What can I do about it, doctor “Well,” says the doctor, “I want you to keep very qulet; you'll have to go to bed and stay there and keep quiet.” In reality, of course, the doctor hasn’t the least idea what is wrong with the man; but he does know that if he will go to bed and keep quiet, awfully quiet, he'll either get quietly. well again or else die a quiet death. Meantime, if the dootor calls every morning and thumps and beats him, he can keep the patient submissive and perhaps force him to confess what {s wrong with him. * ok ok K GEQY/HAT about diet, doctor?” says. the patient, completely cowed. The answer to this question varies very much. It depends on how the doctor s feeling and whether it is long since he had a meal himself. If it is late in the morning and the doctor is ravenously hungry, he say: “Oh, eat plenty, don't be afraid of it; eat meat, vegetables, starch, glue, cement, anything you like.” But if the doctor has just had lunch and if his breathing is short-circuited with huckleberry ple, he says, very firmly: “No, I don’t want you to eat anything at all: absolutely not a bite: it won't hurt you. A little self-denial in the matter of eating is the best thing in the world.” “And what about drinking?’ Again the doctor's answer varies. He may say: “Oh, yes, you might drink a glass of lager now and then, if you can get It, or, if you prefer it, a gin and soda or a whisky and apollinaris, if you have any, and I think before going to bed I'd take a hot Scotch with a couple of lumps of white sugar and bit of lemon peel in it and a good grating of nutmeg on the top.” The doctor says this with real feel- ing, and his eve glistens with the pure love of his profession. But if, on the other hand, the -doctor has spent the night before at a little gathering of medical friends, he is very apt to forbid the patient to touch alcohol in any shape, and to dismiss the subject with great se- verity. \ Of course, this treatment in and of itself would appear too transparent, and would fall to inspire the patient with a proper confidence. But now- adays this element is supplied by the work of the analytical laboratory. Whatever Is wrong with the patient, the doctor insists on snipping off parts and pleces and extracts of him and sending them mysteriously away to be analyzed. He cuts off a lock of the patient's hair, marks it “Mr. Smith's Hair, February, 1925." Then he clips oft the lower part of the ear, and wraps it in paper, and labels it “Part of Mr. Smith’s Ear, February, 1925." Then he looks the patient up and down, with the scis- sors In his hand, and if he is attract- ed by the appearance of a finger or & thumb, he clips it off and wraps it up. Now this, oddly enough, is the very thing that fills the patient up with that sense of personal importange which is worth paying for. “Yes” says the bandaged patlent, later in the day to a group of friends much impressed, “the doctor thinks there may be a slight anesthesia of the prognosis, but he's sent my ear to New York and my appendix to Bal- timore and a lock of my hair to the editors of all the medical journals, and meantime I am to keep very qulet and not exert myself beyond drinking a hot Scotch with lemon and nutmeg every half hour.”” With that he sinks back faintly on his cushions, lux- uriously happy. And yet, isn't it funny? So you and I and the rest of us— as soon as we have & pain within us— rush for a doctor as fast as a taxi can take us. Yes, personally, 1 even prefer an ambulance with a bell on it. It's more soothing. (Copyright, 1925.) Speeding the Crops. R. METHODI POPOFF, professor in the University of Sofia and Bulgarian ambassador to Berlin, lays claim to having increased the yields of many crops, including cotton, cereals and tobacco, by from 20 to 50 per cent, by a process of chemical treatment of the seed. He has used various stimulants, such as magne- slum chloride and a number of me- tallic salts, which are poisonous to vegetable as well as to animal life when taken in large quantities. He immerses the seeds in the proper chemical solution, leaving them there for a fixed time. If left too long, the seed life is destroyed; if mot long enough the chemical is ineffective. T 7 s P, Steel Teeth. '‘EETH made from enameled steel have been added to the products of the Krupp plants at Essen. The metal is from the same mixture for- merly used in making German can- non. Eight dentists have been em- ployed in the department at the start and Krupps hope to expand it later. D. © FEBRUARY 22, - 1925-PART 5 The Valentines They Missed Togo Has Sad Experience With a Forgetful Messenger BY WALLAOCE IRWIN. To Editor The Star, who carnot tell a Comick Valentine from a Cubist Portralt. EAREST Sir:—Of lately my cousin Nogi have became very absence-minded. He cannot remember his name or which end his shirt are buttoned on. He forget so rapidly that I think I shall get him job as Telefone Girl. . Well, this may be pretty o. k. all right, but it make me so darnly mad sometime that I could clap his face. For instancely, about a week of yore come along St. Valentine Da: So-ha! I say that. This will be nice time for me to axert my poetickle temperature while writing sonnets, poems & psalums to all gt men in publick office & some out. By ing sweet songs to them perhapsly some day I shall get close stand-up to their high unportance & be ap- pointed Secretalry of Aggyculture or something else. So sprinkling sweet sugar on my tiperighter I tacked off some aw- fully dear love songs to Hon. Chas. Heavens Hughes, Senator H{ John- son, Mrs. Ma Ferguson & all the darling heros and heroins I could think up. When finished I putt all those molasses thoughts in enve- lopes with stamps (price 0.54§) and give them to Cousin Nogi, who were going downtown with nothing to do as usual with instruxions to male them in p.o. box. One (1) week of thrilly hope & passiona lemotion passby (by Cecll De Mille) then what do you think happen? Yestdy am. who should encroach to my Kitchen but this Cousin Nogl looking like & hanged dog. “Togo,” he say no, *one (1) week of yore did you not give me some let- ters to male? “I did so ezackly.” falnting. “Well, here they are,” he negotiate. “You will find them all just as they lald in my pocket, with axception of 0.548 stamps which I lost playing Keley pool at Rising Sun Parlor.” “O horrus” I yellup. “Have you no reverential fér genius? Those envelopes cantain more poetry than Hon. Shakspere ever thought & would be worth nearly 93 cash. Also they should be delivered on St. Valentine Day, almost a week of yore. How can I get them there on time?" “Send them by Air Male,” suggest Cousin Nogi. “Alrplanes is fast scooters, howell, “but not fast enough to de- liver male a week before it are started. No, Nogi, you have mads my life awfully sad. Because I am of a gentle naturs I shall forgive you if you will jump out of a win- dow & escape before 1 pore this boiled teakittls on you."” 3 * ok K * This from me, SO Mr. Editor, while No escaping off, talking like word puzzle, 1 open all those poor tired envelopes & read following sweetish Valentines which I hope you will warm over & make yr print- er print them so several Famous People will know I did not forget about them. Following are First: JAPANESE SONNET TO HON. CAL COOLIDGE ‘When Starting to Try It Again. Your Slogum is Ekonomy & cutting down axpenses. You spend the lessest money Of all the Presidencles. & when the Navy salls around To make ther swords to rattle You save the cost of battleships To save the price to battle, If this poetry, Mr. Editor, do not ring any tears out of your hard eye- were cuss- says, 1 always sald the boy had the right stuff in him, the resemblance to the Gen, is commencing to show already. (Copyright, 1925.) *I TACKED OFF SOME AWFULLY DEAR LOVE SONGS". hows this for Ax-Sec, Heavens Hughes: JAPANESE SONNET. Dear Exalted Hughes, Soonly you will make step-out ‘While Hon. Kellogg make step-in. Chas. Ichi-wara no-no tomato (Too bad!) For when Foren Embassidors Step into State Dept. They will miss the smiling door-mat Which hide yr kind heart. They will feel so lonesick When meeting new Sec. of State ‘Without any ceremonial plumes on his face, What will they narrate while looking At this Hon. Kellogg With his safety-razor chin Without anything more on it Than a Broadway Sho-Girl? They will wagg their bald-haired heads Saddishly & exclamm, / “Such changes are dangerous. America may pull through, perhapsiy, But she have had a close shave.” Nextly on program are following: QUATRAIN DEVOTED TO HON. ANDREW MELONS, Of very disagreeable jobs The world has quite a many. But when I think of all the lot That makes the earth a hopeless spot I kinda sorta think you got +The very worst of any. You run that bad Department of Internal Revenuisance Which robs us of our beer and gin TIil we're s0o weak we cannot sin— And then the Incum Tax steps in & takes our final two-cent: JAPANESE LIMERICK TO VISCOUNT CECIL QUITTING GENEVA MAD I heartlessly agree with you, High Up Personality, That Hon. Stephen Porter (Rep) of Penn Are e Bad Boy to step-in to Lek of Nations Where he do not belong. & ocouldn’t join because his Party Might catch him at it, & say there that England Grow too much hop, dope & poppy medicine For good digestion Of China, Arabla, Ireland & other places where joy are sold in drug stores. “& 1t you do not ltke what I say about Opium,” Dictate Sir Porter of Penn, “You can put it in yr plpe & smoke e ‘This Rep Porter of Penn Should be called home & lame-ducked by Congress Such bad manners To mention England In a Opium Congress!! Goshes!! What America need Are less Talk & more Diplomacy. RUSSIAN EPIC OF TITLE “RUFFANUFFSKI” The Kremlin roof has fallen in And no one cares to mend it. The River Vodka flows along & who shall now defend 1t? The cow'is dead, the chickens too For lack of proper eating While all the Folks has gone to an Emansipation Meeting. O Trotsky, far from Russia’'s shores You frollick & reside— You've made her what she is today; I hope you're satisfled. And 2in’t it not a Mirickle That made you thus skidoo? To think the Russia you seduced Has got too tough for you!! AMERICAN EPIC TO HON. MA FERGUSON You worked like anything to get The mighty Job on which you set. And now you have obtained yr. love, Tll bat, like manny another Gov. You kinda wish you had not came Into the local Hall of Fame All filled with mighty orators Saluting nobile cuspidors. EPIGLOSTIS, OR JAPANESE MUSI- CAL BULLETIN TO HON. CHAS. CHAPLIN. Charlie are a Genlus, Yet Charlie are a Thief; Charlle rob the cradile, For Lita’s age are brief. Now in ancient Hollywood In the morning cool Chariie has to Quit his job To take his Wife to school, In Some Ways to Father BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: On acct of this being Washington's birthday it has been suggested by some of my friends and relatives ip the home for the feeble- minded that it would be a good time for me to make a few comments in regards to something which may of been overlooked by the world at large but has been disgusted on sev- eral occasions by people that has got something besides features above their neck, namely the rasemblance between the father of his country and L To those who has never give this matter a thought it may seem kind of silly at first glimpse but when you set down and lay your mind to it you will find that they’s a good deal more to the proposition than just childs play. In the first place look at our higth, According to the books George tipped the bean at 6 ft. 2 inchs which means his real higth was 6 ft. 1 and % Inches as the books is always li- bel to give a man credit for a extra 3% of a inch after you are dead. Well that makes George and I the same higth and the next thing is our hair which the both of us has got brown hair or that is we had it when we had it and the only difference is that when George begin to loose his he “GEORGE 'RODE FROM PHILLY __T0 BOSTON ON HORSEBACK=_ bought himself a white tepee which if I done 1t I would be 1 of the laughing stocks of Long's Island. George's eyes w: blue whereas mine is a luscious, black but it is pretty. near imposs'ble to tell black from blue at night. The both of us is blest with the kind of a nose which smart alex cartoonists delights to make it even worse and our mouths is just mouths except when they light up in a luring smile. ‘We was both born in the Winter “IF I BOUGHT MYSELF A WHITE TEPEE 1 WOULD BE ONE OF THE LAUGHING STOCKS OF LONG'S ISLAND.” time which is true of pretty near all our big men, hence the adage, A child born in Winter Ry Tnm béoks says that George was anything bat a fluent speaker, and they ain’t none of my pals has ever olaimed tha} I am a 2d Diogenes or Mayor Hylan of New York. George was very graclous and gentle toward young people which I may say that I am the same and not only that, but I don’t bark and show my teeth at old people neither. George was fond of children and adopted a few of them and I am fond of them too but adopting them as far as I am concerned would be like coals to Newcastle. Both of our education was finighed at the age O\C 18 yrs. old and mine could of been finished 16 yrs. sooner without nobedy being able to notice the difference. George was opposed to the use of tobacco in any form but he raised it on his plantations and sold it. Per- sonly I don't raise it or sell it and haven't no objections to people useing it provide it they borry it off some- body else. The Washington monument in ‘Washington, D. C. was bullt in honor of George and not me, but I have been up in it which is more than George can say. George was quite a horseback rider and I probably could be too only I ain’t got no horse and afriad of them besides. George was fond of wild life only he preferred his outdoors. He was not remarkable as a scholar and nobody ever hit me in the eye with a phl beta kappa key. George is often referred to as the father of his country and as fap as that is concerned I feel it myself ‘when the bills comes in around the 1st of the month, MOTHER GEESE RIME TO HON BENNIE LEONARD. O Bennfe, Bennie, hurry home & let the World 4-get you. We'd like to see you spoil the face Of nearly 3% the Human race. But now you cannot be so base— Yr Ma won't let you. ODE, OR_EXTRA-FARE POEM, TO HON. PAUL WHITEMAN. O scrashes!! I have been educated music Then tried to forget it By learning how play Home Sweet Home On a moth-organ. I learn to sing The Old Broken Bucket enclosed barmony barber-store quartet & think I getting pretty darnly good In American noises. in Japane: In Then what? I go hear you shaking a stick At yr Okestra, O Hon. Paul Whiteman & find I got learn all over new! What you sound like ‘When all those Sax O'Phones, wheez- ers, flatirons, Gongs, Jewish harps, piannas & Strum Bones Is going at you together? Milk-pails falling out of Heaven. Orpheus, god of Harmony, Having an argiment with Thermos, God of Election Night. While listening at you I seem to get ears in my feet & both my elbows join the Russian Bally. You ere the first Okestra Leader I ever did seen Who could lead the Base Fiddles By moving his hipps & eyebrows. Goshes! I shall tell Walter Damrosch on you!!! After those few short epitaps, Mr. Editor, T sent you this letter full of poem. Will you kindly to frighten yr Hon. Printer so he will print them very large; thusly all Famus Per- sonalities will see my Valentines & know 1 not forgot them. I have wrote 22 more like these samples, but shall not sent them now for fear of being tco strong-winded. Hoping you are the same Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 1925.) Humorist Notes His Resemblance of Country It also says in the book that most historians and writers has been in- clined to rate Washington below Hamilton and Jefferson in politiaal wisdom and I suppose they would place me third to Alex and Tom too it it come to a show down though I had political wisdom enough last Summer to stay away from the Demo- crat national convention the last 3 or 4 days. But in a few matters of taste and judgement I and George looks at things from different angles. Like for inst. in 1775 when they asked him to hurry up and get to Boston from Philadelphia, why he rode up there on horseback where I would of took the congressional limited on the R. R. and made a whole lot better time besides not feeling stiff and lame for a wk. afterwards. And I certainly would of passed up Valley Forge as a winter resort and took took the boys to Palm Beach for their vacation. All and all however I and George is as like as 2 peas outside of minor detalls including the one about him never telling a lle which- you must remember he lived and died before they was any such a thing as golf or speed laws. . Houses Built in Day. ODERN four-room dwellings, built of non-burning materials cov- ered with a thin veneer of metal, are belng erected completely in 24 hours by builders of Budapest, Hungary. Although the homes are Inexpensive, says Popular Mechanics, it is claimed they have the advantage of being pro- tected against fire and will last over 2 long period of time without the need of repalr. The parts of the structures are all designed and pre- pared before construction is started S0 that the pleces may be quickly slipped into place and fastened with- Qut further fitting or cutting. The method is reported to have been cop- ied from that employed in the manu- facture of toy houses made from sheet metal. ST Apes Help Science. JVIONKETS and apes are being rais- ed on a farm In French Guinea by the Pasteur Institute for experi- mental purposes in studying measles, typhus, yellow fever and other dls- eases that cannot be transmitted to rabbits and guinea plgs, commonly used in such tests. Chimpanszees are also kept at the farm, as they are considered the most suitable of all the animal “relatives to the human race” for the studies and also afford material for experiments in psychol- ogy. A director is In charge of the laboratory and special buildings have been erected for taking care of the patients while they are given imecu- lations and treatments,