The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, July 31, 1904, Page 13

THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. wants but little here below, but wants it on ice at this season. - - - ywer and a new summer hat is responsible for many a A sudder 's feet to worship her he should themselves it is downright funny. people take S0 seri litical boom often goes up like a rocket—explodes, there’s a really there's no stick to it. * * * powder, and who talks loudly about himself is often like thunder— age - - . u.d be a lovely old world if every one estimated us as we ¢ ourselves. * * * s the fellow who does not with him a A man often th agree * - * order. nt is i good wo B * * ink it a mc duty to subject a husband’s self conceit e spray treatm T R It is a blessing for the happy home that husbands and wives do not hat each thinks of the other. * * * lways know exactly The decrepid old New York millionaird who lavished a cool million aind who has cooled off and wants his presents and the woman a blooming smart coon. B * * f women were as crazv to be good as they are to be beautiful would go dut of * * * business. rnalism usehold angel may be the most insufferable prig or ungov- nt that. ever happened * . * f a mule when you feel foolish. * * * around the rear er Anthony Oh, papa, Miss Susie Busy-Bee en to speng money. cleets on your chin music? * * . the other side id not know how realize that he has corns on his conscience till some m and calls him up short. * - . things you may have for the asking—others for the price. GGS AND Fables for the Foolish HIS is a discourse on eggs. (The janitor will please expel the gentlemzn who said “eggsactly.” A serious meeting must not be distu.bed by frivolous remarks.) Having opened the subject and stuck our typewriter under one corner of it to keep it from clo=ing prematurely before we return, we will pass on to the subject-matter of our discourse. A text is only for the purpose of allowing the congregation to get settled and find the place in the hymn books. The relation of the sermon to the text will be shown later on in the game. There was once upon a time a gentleman from the back- woods who aspired to be what is called by the newspapers a man of affairs. He wasn’t particular what the affairs were or to whom they belonged. All that he wauted to do was to butt into everything in sight except the State’s prison. He had a large con- tempt for those mediocre individuals who are content to have only one iron in the fire at a time. He had read pipe dreams about the men who manage several great businesses with one hand tied be- hind them and break golf scores and work in the garden between times. So he said to himself, “Go to, I will get me out into the cir- cumambient atmosphere and get me busy with three or four stu- pendous undertakings that will push me into the next volume of ‘Who’s Who and Why,” and will guz-antee me at least a column interview on the pier evéry time I sail for Europs.” The fact that he had ri¢ver managed anything more important than a mule team hitched to a breaking plow didn’t bother him to any great extent. Although he had never been a Napoleon of finance he thought that he knew the combination. Besides, wasn't he a more or less free-born American citizen, an( haven’t all such the right and the ability to do anything ~r anybody that comes down the pike? With this pious end in view he packed his an- cestral carpet bag and hit the trail. He was going to be out for his own right from the getaway, and the more he could own the better. The very first crack out of the box he bought a half in- terest in a broken-down newspaper that was lying around waiting for some one to put it out of its misery. He didn’t have any capital, but the man who had been paying the bills before the in- cipient Napoleon hove in sight was too glad to get his white ele- phant off his hands to worry any one about paying him for the privilege of performing the operation. The only thing that the former owner wanted to do was to sidestep the monthly bills. After acquiring an infinitesimal portion of the great molder of public opinion the man who would batt in issued to himself a few hundred thousand dollars of first preferred and made up a num- ber of bales of common as a premium to subscribers. Printing is cheap, and he was determined that at least a million homes should have a framed stock certificate hanging in the parlor. Being, as we have indicated, a Napoleon of finance and not a mere newspaper editor, the man was not content to sit down and watch the subscriptions roll in. Not for him the orderly quiet nt to ask favors of a man be sure to select a time when & @ .of the editorial sanctum or the counting room. Therefore he looked about him for more worlds to conquer. In the course of his wanderings he found a defunct and mdre or less malodorous railroad in a back alley, where some- oné had thrown it away the night before. Napoleon took it home and cared for it tenderly, nursing it back to life and bathing it gently with further issues of common stock apd overdue mortgage bonds. The line of the road was somewhat uncertain, but as far as can be discovered at this late day it began in the fertile imagination of a promoter and ended in the bankruptcy court. Having brought his alleged railroad to a point where it could go out without a nurse, the man proceeded on his way to fanie and a prominent place among the subscribers to the Indian famine fund. His next venture was in politics, that legitimate field of activity for every man who has not been actually convicted of crime. The convictions usually appear as a finale rather than as an overture. There was a nomination for Congress going around the district knocking at all the back doors and begging for some one to take it out of the cold. The embryo Napoleon was a man of unusual courage, as may be seen from the fact that igg opened the door at the first knock and dragged the nomination in by the nape of the neck. No waiting to be called into the game by his more or less loving friends for him. Of course he was elected. It was not on the cards that he should fall down on a simple little thing like a Congressional election after he had breathed new life into a newspaper and brought a dying railroad out of the sani- tarium, Having become duly chosen as one of the nation’s legislators ,the next thing was to make good. He was not enamored of the old-fashioned idea that a legislator’s sole duty is to legislate. He had a newspaper wherein he could point out the mistakes of the other fellows and the superlative excellence of his own acts, be- sides butting into the Congressional Record with leave to print on every possible occasion. He had a railroad that entitled him * AN B It’s queer that girls nowadays prefer the busy-buzz-saw-buggy. In the old-fashioned horse affair a man could have one arm free anyhow if the good old horse were the only thing in sight. i - Some political “booms” need nothing so much as a Coroner’s inquest b S . The check book is mightier than the alimony clause. - * . Ambition is the fidgety bumptiousness of a man who wants to step over his own head. - - . Now cometh the summer days when the maiden carries her b suit in an opera-glass bag, when the kidlet in a tomato salad megligee escorts her to the beach. * N - Some men go through life pretty much as a dorg with a his collar and a woman yanking at the business end R If a negro adventuress could wheedle -a cool mi York millionaire how much could a hard working deserving wh woman get? - * * housewife m Now cometh the dog star days, when the th the delicatessen plan. - - * It would take more than a skyscraper' elevator to’ elevate some eople. i " * Of course a woman has more temper than 2 man. Doesn’t she ha.e to worry with the man? Sure. S R o What's the use of slandering oiir monkey ancestors? every day that a large percentage were descended from as * * * to our The wine that is red is more read. taste tk - - - Always get all that you can out of others. It keeps being selfish. 2 * - * the conceit out Always criticise people. It yanks a jerkiness. - - - Johnnie found a patient He didn't "think ’twould & So Johnnie thought he'd tic With wheat heads on a stic He tied the wheat heads good and tight, So tickled with the trick— Johnnie’s now an angel child And got there P. D. Quick. HIGH FINANCE By Nicholas Nemo to rank as one of the promoters of the v=ted interest o country, although a vest pocket pocket interest would hav a better definition. Now it was up to him to make himself v tacturer of something that he could sell to the Government at a profit not to exceed 100 per cent, except in unusual circum To this end he bought a controlling interest a factory for the manufacture of rubber heels and had a bill passed requiring the brave defenders of the country to be shod with the Napoleon Jar on the Spine and Surplus Eliminators. That was the way he paid for the factory. He had now reached a point vhere he signed all his lett with a rubber stamp and carried a stenographer around with him when he traveled. It wasn’t really necessary, but all the men of affair$ he had ever read about did it and he wanted to be in the swim. He was the director of not less than six different compa- nies and was in a position to give advice on all topics of general interest, from the international policy of the United States Gov- ernment to the care and cultivation of peanuts. The college com- mencement that was without an oration from the Na- poleon was a barren waste, and he had a string of honorary de- grees that wrapped around hi’ name four times and lapped over at least a foot. Surely he was now a man of affairs. At least didi’t know anything in particular about any one thing, t could give an imitation of any man who suspected a whole lot. If that isn’t what makes a man of affairs, then the dictionary needs to be revised. About this time the people who had the honor of furnishing the paper on which his alleged newspaper was printed began to be impertinently curious as to the exact time when they might ex- pect a small payment on account of last year's bills. The Napo- leon wouldn’t be bothered with such things and referred them to his cashier. That gentleman responded with the vulgar witticism that theré was no cash here. Also the stockholders in his railroad were making inquiries about the date of the arrival of the next dividend. To make matters worse a Congressional committee was looking into the price of.rubber heels with a view to ascertaining the exact length of time that the world at large might be relieved of the presence of the gentleman who was selling the articles in question to the- Government. The whole financial structure that he had erected with such expenditure of cerebral energy and calo- rified atmosphere went to smbash in a single night and the imita- tion Napoleon departed for South America on the next day's seamer. At this point we may properly return to the eggs mentioned in the beginning for the purpose of remarking that instead of put- ting his eggs all over the place the man would have done better to have deposited them all in one basket and then sat on the bas- ket. They might have hatched that way. —Copyright, 1904, by Albert Britt. ers he he he