The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 13, 1903, Page 12

THE SUNDAY CALL. Life. A baby's cry A child’s brief joy and pain— A maiden’s sigh— And then a love's refrain— A woman's tear; When shattered idols fall— And the bier; death doth end it all. - football season is over essors will please proceed to ‘take an inventory of any brains that are left hanging around to be . K A pair of squeaky shoes have been er than a town clock. P icken at the details,of a prize- trying to catch a glimpse »ands of women now battling for the;rights way in female clubs must be either tickled to death mighty sad and sorrowful over the figure wifey cuts. People seldom . reform until after they are too o'd @ . * * en a 1 is sick or in trouble he is a regular baby. Any woman who kneads him can manage e dough. T people are mever satisfied unless their good s are paraded before them with a brass band. LT Women who howl about actresses are tickled to death if they can secure a specimen as an afternoon tea ttraction R People who prate of modern degeneracy always keep 1 posted on the awful doings . o« = The follies of the rich run the newspaper presses. TR The fellow who is always boasting of his nerve is he first to turn pale at the sight of blood. T When divorced people want to remarry and ministers »f any creed decline the job of mating misery and matri- mony, the particeps criminis need not be discouraged. ere are others. o o The difference between a man’s club and a woman’s is that in the man’s every one minds his own business, while in the woman’s everybody minds everybody else’s. = = = The man who boasts of his courage is the first to be- »me panicky if there’s an alarm of fire. PR A man may silence the voice of inner consciousness, f his shoes squeak he may be caught in the act. * 0 There are four sides to every question—the inside, the outside, the right side and the wrong side; - but don’t figure on any of them until you hear the other side. * x = When is 2 man too old to fall in love? That depends on the woman. Any old girl who can stand senile lally- gagging must have dislocated the clock works of her belfry. Even the ubiquitous grass widow balks at senile senility. > ey There is a long-winded moral lesson in the fact of the Father of Greater' N York baving been murdered in 2 stage setting of se :on‘;ll “coons.” . - hen we attempt to buy love we pay dear, and are ure that the goods are delivered. MARY AND THE | MILLIONAIRE 55§ OUNG ANDREW C. LUCKYFELLER had * much money that it gave him curvature of the brain to think about it. Reared in the lap of luxury and a French nurse, he had never known what i* was to have a wish ungratified, pinless it was the wish to have a wish that could not be gratified. Properly trained scions of wealth, as he was, never cry for the unattainable, because they are taught from the cradle that a thing that cannot be bought is not worth having; later in life they find out, in common with less fortunate mortals, that few things that can be bought are worth buying. Steam yachts, private cars, cottages at Newport, daily newspapers and other diversions of the very rich were playthings to him from his child- hood, and it never occurred to him that such trifles were not supplied with each and every birth certificate, like a chromo with a can of baking powder. The elder Luckyfeller had begun life as an office boy plenipoten- tiary and butter-in extraordinary toa retired pirate, who was plying his old trade under the guise of a promoter of mining—and undermining— compani s in South America. By a diligent attention to business and the laws that govern human imbecility he had succeeded in acquiring a large collection of coins of all denominations, mostly large, and an in- teresting case of chronic dyspepsia. When it came to a showdown the dyspepsia held the winning hand, and the elder Luckyfeller snapped the tape of his earthly ticker and departed for the land where promoters cease from troubling and stockholders are at rest. His dutiful son laid him tenderly but safely away in a marble sarcophagus that resembled a maison de canine of the Elizabethan period, and engraved on the front door the appropriate words, “Here lies,” etc., so that it might be seen how little death had changed the old man. If the commonly ac- cepted belief is true that the amount of treasure laid up in the land to which .. is charitably assumed that Luckyfeller Sr. was bound is in inverse proportion to the store accumulated on earth, it is a safe bet that he overdrew his account the first day. As young Andrew grew older and began to accumulate wisdom and dividends, he discovered that there are only two kinds of women in the worid—those who are married and tLose who are not. These two cfasses of females resemble each other in that they are both dis- satisfied with the state in which they find themselves and earnestly de- sire another; they are distinguished, however, by the peculiarity that the unmarried wish to enter the state of matrimony, while the others pre- fer South Dakota. There are some exceptions, but they were not to be found in the exclusive and high-toned society in which Andrew moved. As soon as it became generally known that the Luckyfeller numis- matic collection was in need of a curator the rush of applicants began; soon the string of potential sacrifices on the altar of Hymen was as long as the line of grandfathers on the opening day of the circus. The entire market of coin curators was thrown open to him and he was given his choice of the highest product of America’s best boatding-schools. Two stenographers and a private secretary were kept busy answering invita- tions to dinner and he had enough photographs of reigning—and hailing —beauties to furnish all the rooms in the largest college dormitory on récord. His tastes were studied with an industry and a perseverance worthy of a better cause—or a richer man. Did he express a preference for blondes, the market price of peroxide of hydrogen jumped three points in two days, and the increase in golden-haired beauties was so notice- able that the city fathers began to consider the advisability of cutting down the number « electric lights. At this point in the game a girl who wore the unassuming name of Mary took cards. Mary was a simple little thing just from the country in the neighborhood of Tuxedo. She wore plain white dresses and braided her hair down her back and was as oblivious of Andrew’s ex- istence as a cash girl in a drug store of a fat man waiting for his change. When Andrew was introduced to her she eyed him coolly and calmly and then resumed her contemplation of the sun setting behind the oleander on the front lawn. A millionaire appeared to be of no more importance to her than an income tax to the average citizen. When the other girls . would surround him and begin to throw verbal bouquets at him she would heave in a conversation brickbat or two and then saunter out to play tag with the children or gaze an the face of nature. It was the first time that he had ever met 2 woman who didn’t re- solve herself into a reception committee of one the first time at bat and Cherry Blossoms. Ah! lovely cherry blossoms white, That answ'ring kiss the sunlight’s glow, Your petals cool the earth’s green breast, With showers pure of fragrant snow. The north winds chill, you fade and die (The fruit is born amid the strife), As some sweet mother, frail and fair, Who perishes in giving life. N e Never wear squeaky shoes. The squeaks were among the loudest things recently heard in a New York divorce suit. i v Nowadays money not only talks, but it shouts through a megaphone. * . Some people’s good qualities are never discovered un- til after they are dead, when the corpse certainly does not care. Ponig Y The happiness of many 2 woman depends upon her success in hatching mischief or raising a row in her club. TV W Some women accept matrimony as fate; ply for a divorce. others ap- o There are no free transportations to heaven. You must paddle your own canoe beyond the dark shadows. P Getting into debt is like shooting the chute—you've got to keep on until you run the course. Getting out is like the old arithmetic problem—if a frog in a tank of water makes one leap and falls back two feet, how long will it take to get out? « * = The sweet kittenish little sweetheart of courtship days often develops into a very logy, peevish old cat after matrimony. e It is astonishing how loudly the old skeleton in the closet can manage to rattle its bones at precisely the wrong time. U A The girl who welcomes matrimony as the safety valve from the thralldom of home will make hubby keep pace at a pretty lively gait. ;S e Some people cultivate a ravenous appetite for picking old bones of contention. OV RO People always make excuses for getting married, but seldom tell the whole truth and nothing but the tr - x = The man with a big pocketbook is the possessor of a little shriveled up old heart that would make a hickory nut look like a football. CR Never chase anybody. You may find out something you don’t want to know or that they do not want you to know. IR Y The woman who is busy minding other people’s busi- ness seldom has time to mind her own. * - ® 2% People who indulge too extravagant pipe dreams sometimes need a plumber or a trench digger to put them in good sanitary condition. B Y We find out all the bad about people when they are living; the good when they are dead. e e If you want to know all about yourself, then run for office. T Never pose as an angel until you are sure that your wings have sprouted a good crop of pin feathers. PO TS If Mary had a little lamb, how much of its wool would it take to make a pair of trousers? FABLE FOR THE | | FOOLISH the situation impressed him as being unique in the financial bistorvy of his country. Hitherto he had been a seventeen-candle-power electric arc and all the rest were but moths; with Mary, however, he was only a two-for-a-cent taper and Mary was the snuffer. It was something new to him to be able to talk to a woman without keeping one foot on the floor ready to jump and run at the first sign of trouble. When he asked her to take a spin with him in his new automobile just to kill time and anything else that happened to get in the way she dug up a headache and retired from the field in good order, accompanied by her maid and a bottle of smelling salts. If he tried to throw up. entrench- ments and sit down alongside the works for a prolonged conversational siege she would call in reinforcements in the shape of a maiden aunt whom she had fished out of the matrimonial discard and he would flee in utter rout. Even his steam yacht failed to soften her adamantine heart and she treated his Newport cottage with scorn and contumely. The elder Luckyfeller had often assured him that the stocks that were held the closest were the real gilt-edged, guaranteed 7 per cent article. If this valuable maxim could be applied generally Mary was clearly the great- est dividend payer in the market. This thought gave him fresh hope and the more she froze him the more he froze to her, until he was running her shadow a close second as her steady company. If she consented to allow him to breathe the same air with her for a few minutes he was bowed down with gratitude, and if she smiled upon him his heart threw a double back somersault and land- ed on its feet. Finally, having tried all other expedients for making himself interesting and agreeable, he asked her to share his hand, name, income, steam yacht, cottage at Newport and also his heart. Much to his surprise she took him up after making a bluff at thinking it over. It was what she had been working for all the time, but he never knew it and thinks to this day that she married him for love of himself alone. As though any one could really love a millionaire that way. Mary’s strong point, of which all truly earnest and ambitious young women should take note, was that she had discovered by early and dili- gent study of the works of the late Mr. Solomon and other authorities on amateur sport that millionaires and other shy birds are exceeding wary of nets that are spread within the range of their immediate observation. & r W