The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 23, 1903, Page 6

l MILLIONS IN DREAM By Mark Twain. S. \ terest! tter written thirtr-four Years ago by Mark Twain wscsi ‘l:u:e the trip East over the mew Union Pacific Rail- at he could not be present &t their banquet in New York in Elmira, N. Y. The great humorist has been pilot, printer, act—and now that he is preparing for another trip abroad effects and finding letters and manuscripts long forgdtten. CNTLEMEN: Circumstances render it out of my power to take advantage of the invitation extended to me hrough Mr. Simonton and be pres¢nt at your dinner in w York. I regret this very much, xtor ther‘clarc S"T ] among you with whom I would like to join hands with .on the score of old friendship, and I suppose 1 ~ould have a sublime general right to shake hands with vou on the score of kinship in California ups and downs in the rest of the search of fortune. g = i .(yhl w t"é ‘m tell some of my experiences you would recognize Ca.:; fornia blood in me, I fancy. The old, old story 'oqld sound famluar‘,v no doubt. I have the usual stock of reminiscences. For instance, 1 went o e aeed lorgely in the Wide West, the Winnemucca and otter fine claims and was very wealthy. I fared sumptuously on bread w z; flour was $200 a barrel and had beans every day \yhcn none but_blo:c ocrats could afford such grandeur. But I finished by feeding at- s to a qua mill at $15 a week and wishing T was a battery myself had somebody to feed me. My claims in Esmeralda are there yet. pose 1 could be persuaded to sell. I went to the Humboldt dis- ¢ when it was new. I became largely interested in the A‘!ba I\euv:-a and other claims with gorgeous names, and was rich again—in prospect. 1 owned 2 vast mining property there. I would not l}a\'c snld_ out for less than $400,000 at that time—but I will now. ; inally I \\'élked }:omc‘ me 200 miles—partly for exercise and partly because stage fares sive. e N:’;’:)kl cniered upon an affluent career in Virginia City. And by a investment of labor and the capital of fnendg became the owner 1l the worthless wildcat mines there were in that part of the ut a y cou d the business for me there. There were 117 assess- one dividend and the proportion of income to outlay was a_ against me. My financial thermometer went down to 3? ‘dcgrtc> it and the subscriber was frozen out. I took up _uttnsmn:_ on yhc nd—extensions that reached to British America in one direction 1d to the Isthmus of Panama in the other—and I verily bc_ucvc I would have been a rich man if I ever found those infernal extensions. But I a't. I ran tunnels till T tapped the Arctic Ocean, and i sunk shafts broke through the roof of perdition, but those extensions turned up sing every time. : g it g I am willing to sell all that property and (hrqv‘ in the improvements. aps you remember the celebrated North Ophir? I bought that mine. . in pure silver. You could take it out i lumps a‘s b:g‘ afi yert. But when it was discovered that th lumps were melted half rs. and hardly melted at that, a painful se of “saltin’'” was appar- ent, and the undersigned adjourned to the poorhouse again. 1 paid assessments on Hale & Norcross till they sold me out, andIhaS to take in washing for a living—and the next nm_m»h th:n‘ l’nfamorus stoc! to $7000 a foot. I own millions and millions of feet of affluent ads in Nevada—in fact, I own the entire undercrust of that coun- and if Congress would move that State off my property so get at it, I would be wealthy yet. But no, there she squats ere am 1. Failing health pecssffdes me to sell. If you know nnl r 2e desiring a permanent investment I can furnish him one that wil have the > ing eternal. Bave e e O et the California mill, with a1l its “dips; spuss and variations and sinuositites.” I have worked there at all the dif- rades and professions known to the catalogue. 1 have been from a newspaper editor down to a cowcatcher on a locomo- am encouraged to believe that if there had been more occu- n 1 might have made a dazzling success at last erious design Providence had in view in creat- g nd I s to experiment nd out what perceive that, although I am not a pioneer, I have had 2 variegated time of it to enable me to talk pioneer like a na- nd 1 feel like a Forty-Niner. Therefore, 1 cordiaily welcome you remembered homes and your long desérted fires flc;. and screed with the sincere hope that vour visit here wil be a and unembittered by the sorrowful surprises that absence and are wont to preparc for wanderers; surprises which would m of old friends missed from their places; silence where and decay happy one, lapse of year come in the familiar voices should be; the young grown old; change ; everywhere; home a delusion and disappointment; strangers at the hearthstone; e gladness was; tears for laughter; the melan- re the grace of life had been. for the Returned Prodigals and r:lgrtts that T small piece of the fatted calf (rare and no gravy), B AMARK TWA{D choly pomp W ¥dial I am, yours To the Cal PASTELS IN PORR. 01d Gorgon’s Letter to His Son on “Conversation.” EAR PIERREPONT: Yours of the fourth has the right ring, and it says more to the number of words used than any letter that I have ever received from you. I remember reading once that some fellows use language to conceal thought: but it's been my experience that a good many more use it instead of thought. A business man's conversation should be regulated by @cwer and simpler rules than any other function of the human animal. They are: Have something to say. Say it. Stop talking. Beginning before you know what you want to say and keeping on after you Lave said it lands a merchant in a lawsuit or a poothouse, and the first is a short cut to the second. I maintain a legal department here, and - it costs a lot of money, but it's to keep me from going.to law. It's all right when you are calling on a girl or talking with friends after dinner to run a conversation like a Sunday-school -excursion, with stops _to pick flowers; but in the office your sentences should be the shortest dis- tance possible between periods. Cut out the introduction and the perora- tion, and stop before you get to secondly. You've got to preach short ser- mons to catch sinners; and deacons won't believe they* ‘need long ones themselves. Give fools the first and women the Jast word. The meat's al- ways in the middle of the sandwich. Of course a “little butter on side of it doesn’t do any harm if it's intended for a man who likes butter. Remember, too, that it’s easier to look wise than to talk wisdom. - Say less than the other fellow and listen more than you talk; for when a man's listening he isn't telling on himself and he's flattering the {@low who is. Give most men a good listener and most women enough mnotepaper and they'll tell all they know. i While as to play, of course your future is going to take so much time and thought that you won't have a very wide margin left for golf—especially in the afternoons. I simply mention this in passing because I see in the Chi- cago papers which haye been sent me that you were among the players on the links one afternoon a fortnight ago. Golf's a nice, foolish game, and there ain’t any harm in it so far as I know except for the balls—the stiff balls at the beginning, the lost balls in the middle and the highballs at the end of the game. But a young fellow who wants to be a boss butcher hasn’t much daylight to waste on any kind of links except sausage links. _Of course 2 man should have a certain amount of play, just as a boy is entitled to a piece of pie at the end of his dinner, but he don’t want to make a meal of it. Any one who lets sinkers take the place of bread and meat gets bilious pretty young: and these fellows who haven’t ,any job, except to blow the old man’s dollars, are a good deal like the little niggers in the pie- cating contest at the county fair—they've a-plenty ‘of .pastry and they’re at- tracting a heap of attention, but they've got a stomach-ache coming to them by and by. ' From “Letters From a Self-Made Merchant to His o Lorimer. By permission of Small, Maynard & Co., Pul‘;?l:m:: mfifi.ufi; either - THE SUNDAY CALL. y 204 LATE TITY S ON MARE, - - HERE is a tide in the aftairs of men that launches them out on the sea of matrimony, where the life-saving station seems mighty far off, and the rescue band minds its own business. When matrimony goes on a strike love loses its pin feathers. That one old apple has caused more dyspepsia than any other old thing on rezord. When a man pays bis wife to “liss and make up” he mortgages both his peace and his purse. ' A woman thinks herself most happy when she is miserable about the man she loves. » = Never follow anybody’s advice unless you want to go a long way out of your way. The only thing 2 woman don’t want because it’s cheap is—a cheap man. People always Jell the truth when they tell what they think of you be- hind your back. The don’t worry clubs are never overstocked with people who want to live in $50 flats on $10 incomes. Some people make vou feel as if you were upholstered with fly paper. Can a fat man be real square? The fellow who plays the bass drum may make an awful noise. but he isn't the best musician of the band. The man who gives a woman away is too mean to be generous. The things that we intend to do always give us so much satisfaction. A breach of promise suit takes all the conceit out of a man. Even the height of follvy is sometimes a mighty low busines. A man may pray for bread, but he never prays for a drink. have the price. / When 2 woman falls in love, has she met with an accident? A man often thinks he's mighty independent when he's only henpecked. Charitable performances often bring large receipts in soothing syrup ad- vertisements. A man may often thank his lucky stars that he can't take the woman who is presented to him. When a woman falls in love easily she does not have enough bruises to leave a scar. Some men know they are great, some think they are great and some are just plain every-day fools. It is strange that so many people when trying to commit suicide send word to some one just in time to be caught in the act. All through life we write our own epitaplis. Patience is the key that worries out the combination. In prosperity you are “IT,” In adversity you are “NIT.” Hardship is a sorry old stépmother, but she nurtures no weaklings. . There’s not much risk in giving a fellow an extra jolt after he's been knocked out. If you splash your life with ink it takes a pretty good solution to wash out the stains. Taking carg of other people’s morals is a large-sized contract. When a wife gives a husband a piece of her mind he is seldom polite enough to say “Thank you.” Love is a confidence game played by the cleverest of swindlers. Never get too familiar. Even a husband and wife may become disgust- ingly familiar. ‘There are no elevators running up and down the ladder of fame. The woman who objects to a cigar may find the cigar the more desir- able companion. " The follies of the rich are always ridiculed by those who cannot afford the price. A firstclass scrub woman may be fatally ruined by a college educa- tion. Scientists say music destroys mosquitoes. If the brass band played the “Good Old Summer Time” and the drum corps made it dizzy, of course it would kill the pesky thing. Science is so ingenuous. \ When a man proposes but once he has acted from a sense of duty, and thanls the girl who said “No.” Realigies and not theories count up enough to pay the bills. Nothing makes a woman so mad as to have the wrong man hanging around making love to her. When a woman learns to cater to a man’s appetite it's time for him to put his heart in cold storage. True friends tell you things you don’t want to know. An empty pocket has an awfully sorry sort of feeling. 1f money is the root of evil, some good old times - dangle from the branches. A wise woman thinks she knows her husband, a fool is sure she does; and the old man just smiles. KATE THYSON MARR. He must ORACLE’'S SLY TIPS. By 8. E. Hiser. ULBERRY CENTER, Aug. 20—I was talkin’ to Judge Miller the other day about the bond strengthenin’ bizness that’s goin’ on, and him and me came to the conclusion that it's a good thing to encurridge. “The only way that civilization can ever accomplish her hyperbolical purpose and take her place-gs the grand cir- fairs,” said the Judge, “is by the strengthenin’ of bonds. honor tke German Emperor for what he has done in this line, for who knows what would of happened over that Venezuelan bizness if the bonds hadn’t been good and strong at the time. That case shows how handy strengthening bonds come in once in a while in times of need. I see Will- iam is going to send his brother and his boy over here again next summer to strengthen the bonds some more. I s’pose he has a sneakin’ notion of sendin’ a fleet of his warships to South America again before long. “King Edward’s in the bond strengthenin’ bizness, too. Look at the way England and France are makin’ it pleasant for each other lately. Each side wants to grab off a few more chunks of Africa before the other can get it and they see what a good thing it'll be to have the bonds as strong as pos- sible so as to prevent hard feelin's. . “Nobody has started in to strengthen any bonds with King Pete of Ser- via yet, because he doesn’t seem to have a string attached to anything that the rest of them want, and if he had they might think it was cheaper to just go and take it without runnin’ up any wine bills. That's one disadvantage of not havin’ a large votin’ population. In the categorical and protoplas- mic exegesis of human activity when you think of doin’ something that a bigger man than you may not like it is always well to make him believe you're doin’ it in a friendly spirit. “This bond strengthenin’ dodge reminds me of a case that come before me once when I was Justice of the Peace down in Adams country. A man named Baker wanted to buy a farm and had the cash ready to pay for it. Lon Richards and Ed Robinson both had farms that Baker liked and he didn’t hardly know which one suited him best. While he was tryin’ to make up his mind about it Robinson went to Richards and told him neither one of them ought to think of sellin’ out for less than $50 an acre. Richards said he'd be willin’ to sell for forty-five. “‘Don’t you do it,’ says Robinson. ‘Your old father would turn over in his grave if he knew you let this place go for that price. Stick to fifty. This man den’t want my farm and I dunno as I care to sell anyway, so all you have to do to get your price isto make him believe when he comes around again that you've given up the idea of lettin’ the farm go. Human nature’s a queer thing. The minute a man gets to thinkin’ he can’t have something he didn’t want very much before he’s crazy to get it. Of course it's nothin’ to me, but we've always been friends and I want you to have all you can get. There's some people I wouldn’t put myself out to help along on in the world, but blood's thicker than water, so there’s a bond of rela- tionship between us that ought to'make us kind of stand together. “Richards thought it was blamed kind of the other fellow to come to him honest like that, and he made Robinson stay to dinner and they killed a chicken and talked about human nature and almost felt like brothers. The next day the man that wanted the farm come to see Richards and offered him forty-five dollars an acre for his place. “‘Nope,’ says Lon. ‘I don't believe I care to =ell. You see my old daddy cleared most of this land with his own hands and I'm kind of at- tached to it, so I wouldn't take less than fifty anyway.’ “That afternoon Robinson sold out for forty-five an acre and Richards was so mad when he heard about it that he went over and called Ed out in the road and licked him so”he could hardly get out of bed for a week. \V}ém the case came up before me I asked Robinson why he done it and he sdid: “ ‘Why, you see there’s a famibly tie between us and he seemed so friendly and kind of grateful because I jhad thought of his poor old dead father’s feelin’s that I didn’t s'pose he’d care. But some people are so blamed selfish that they forgit all about the sacred bonds of friendship when- ever they have a chance to make a little money. “I wouldn’t be surprised.” says the Judge, “if it was a good deal that way with some of these Emperors and Kings that are busy strengthenin’ the bonds. The ties that bind’ll snap mighty sudden that minute one of 'em sees that one of the rest is gettin® the best of it in a real estate deal some- where, and it ain't always safe to bet too heavy on human nature, be- cause the bluffs that work are the only ones we ever hear much about.” The more I think about the bond strengthenin’ question the more I can't help believin’ the Judge is right. [ G Us white folks get Booker Washington up from the South and tell him how we love the negro and are goin’ to help him rise in the world. and the next day, feelin’ that the bonds are good and strong, we chase a few black men into a corner and elevate them with ropes. We are all God’s children. Let us remember that. and the man who forgets to hold on to his pocket- book when some other chap comes along tellin’ him they are brothers, made from the same clay and bound for the same goal, may havg to/ borrow money to get home. George Prentice went into bizness up to the city and done well, too. I guess he’s got a million or so to-day. After a while Jim got promoted and he went up to the city. too. and the first ting we knew they’d made him genera] passenger agent. One day George Prentice came into Jim's office and told him how glad he was to see that his talents had got recognized. “I always knew,” said George. “that you'd get there, and it seems to me that we ought to keep up the old ties. There’s no friend like the old friends, you know. and us comin’ from the same town, we ought to kind of stand together. Say, T like to go back to see the folks every little while, and you couldn’t fix me out with a pass, could you?” | WHY NOT BE HAPPY? By “The Parson.” OR some reason people who go out into the fields at this season of the year to pick berries often have ‘a singular ex- perience. As they glean from bushes right about them they catch sight of other bushes a little distance away and suddenly they become aware of the fact that the berries with- in grasp are small and few while over beyond there ap- pears to be an abundance of large and luscious fruit. So off they go in a hurry, scrambling over the fence, perhaps, barking their shins maybe. but eager to enter the land flowing with milk and honey. But when they arrive—oh, what a disappointment. Not a bit bigger are the berries, not a bit more plentiful. It is the same old story of a good many leaves and brambles and here and there only a prize worth put- ting into the basket. And vet for an entire afternoon a persen will experi- ment in this fashion until he has roamed the pasture through and come back to the place whence he set out. a considerably wiser and perhaps a trifie sadder man for his repeated disappointments. { This experience in the berry patch is typical of a big section of life. We do not always realize when we are well off. Wel take up ourhmz at a summer resort and before we have been there a day we are restless ta be up and away. We think that we shall find a better table at the next water- ing place. Well, the table may possibly be better, but the flies may be more numerous and pestiferous. The point is that we are looking at all the ad- vantages of the place where we are through the small end of the telescope and all the attractions of the place where we think we would like to be through the large end. g g Mothers there are who lose the satisfaction to be had from contact with and ministry to their small children because fl:;rb’amd;: tions leap forward to the time when their children shall be out in the world doing great things and reaping a large harvest of fame. “Then” says the aspiring mother to herself. “how free I shall be from the strain of this con- stant care as they hang upon my skirts all day long and how proud I shall be of their successes.” Poor woman! How little she realizes that by and by she may look back to these days when she is all and all to her little ones as the happiest days of her life. Many of us imagine we would be better off if we wer i kind of work. Now the pav is small and the hours a::d(;:::'fz.sm!'!‘:t o:rh}:r: knows if we had what seems to be a softer job we should be really any better off. In our present employment we have acquired a certain capital of experience which we might forfeit if we engaged in another vocation We have learned to adjust ourselves to our fellow-workmen and we should have to learn t¢ affiliate with an entirely new set of men. Onegday recently I met a minister who I happen. % tremely fostless in his parish five years ago. He ::se 'Efn’;k;fifi: I:;irsetxo his friends asking them to open a door for him into another field. But when he met me afterward he began at once to talk enthusiastically about the church which he has served for over ten years. “You are all over your res lessness, aren’t you?” I inquired. “Oh, yes,” was his quick reply. wouldn’t leave my parish now for al'lizfillfll-" I honor that man for living down his discontent for yorking out his professional problem. for winning his battle. In view of his record to-day how inglorious it would have been to have quit his task five years ago when it was only half completed. Nty s »