The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, September 16, 1900, Page 2

Sxplains a Dritish Joks. “You Americans,” said the London young man, as he stopped suck'ng his cane, “are always insinuating that we Englishmen don’t know what a rcal joke is. Now, just hold your sides while I go over this one, which I read in a home paper a week ago: * *The Countess—M’lord, you were at the grand dinner last night, were you not? Just a while ago 1 heard one of those vulgar Americans make the remark that this morning you had a big head. * ‘The Duke—But, m’'lady, there’s noth- irg in it." "’ 3 The American looked as sober as a erim- inal court judge. “Well?”' he arked. ¢ “Don't you see?”’ explained the disgust- ed Britisher, poking the other in the ribs with his eane, ‘‘the Countess says some one accused her companion (ha!) of having & big head (ha! ha!), and he declares (ha! ha!) there’s nothing in it.” “Yes, but—" ‘“Blarsted idiot, but what?"” ““Her companion was a duke.” “Yes.” ““And not any different from the rest of the English robility?"” “No. But the joke! the joke! Tt is so adroitly put. In apparent inadvertence (desperately) the Duke admits there is nothing in his head! Now, do you see?”’ “Well, it’s a little strange that the Duke could make such a frank and candid ad- mission, but—where does the joke come in?’'—Brooklyn Life. THAT BOY AGAIN. “Papa,” said little Willie Askitt. *“Well, my son?” “In the days of kings and knights and nobles, did they have to put postage stamps on their shirts of mail?’'—Balti- more American. TOO MUCH, Poetic Son—Ah! father, poets are born, not made. Father (angrily)—Look here, you! Write all that dern rot ye want, but don't go blamin’ mother 'n’ me fer it. We won't stand it.—Puck. AN OUT-OF-DATE CEREMONY. “Did you all throw rice after the bride?"” “Rice! I guess not; I wouldn’t allow such heathenish Chinese goings on at a wedding in my family.”—Indianapolis Journal. HIS BLANK DESPAIR. ‘“‘Speaking of the races, wasn't it the two-mile dash, free-for-all, that Binks lost all his money on?" “Yes. Why?” “Nothing, only I remember he used about a two-mile dash in expressing him- self after it was over.”—Chicago Tribune. AN OBJECT OF INTEREST. Rector—I never in my life touched a congregation as I did this morning. Ev- €ry eye was on me. Wife—No wonder. When you took your hat off your gloves remained on the top of your head.—London Tit-Bits. “Mr. Smith,” said a lady at the fair, “won’t you please buy a bouquet to pre- QT X TR T TR PO R -TRT RO TR TR R NS @ PR —————— S R A PSR SR TYIE SUNDAY CALL. carelessly. They might do some¢ damage. JENKINS A_'s:\mE BAT. Mrs. Jenkins—Now, John, be sure and don’t let the boys throw that ball around } And he did—to the queen’s taste. BT TR TS ¥H R N N N N N N R e s sent to the lady you love?’ *“It wouldn’'t be right,” said Mr. Smith; “I'm a married man."” SHERLOCK HOLMi‘JS UP TO DATE. Gladys Kanbee (Queen of Opera)—The jewels 1 reported stolen have been found. They were merely mislaid. Hemlock Holmes.(King of Dctectives)—I'm very sorry, madam, but ofde of the five men I arrested has just confessed to taking the jewels. BAD LUCK AS USUAL. Angry Wife—It seems to me we've been married a century. I can’t even remember when or where we first met. Husband (empbatically)—I ecan. It was at a dinner party where there were thir- teen at table.—Tid-Bits. AN ANOMALY. Eva—You can't make a bit of an im- pression on that young Marsh. May—I know it. It's strange, toe, he’s so soft.—Philadelphia Bulletin. for Fair Painter—I hope you don’t mind my sketching in your field? Farmer—Lord, no, missie! You keep the birds off the peas better’'n a’ ordinary scarecrow.—Tit- Bits. OVERSIGHT. ‘“What are you looking so glum about, Borus. The reviewers all praised your last book, didn’t they?” “Yes, but not one of them said it was a ‘story of intense human interest.” "— Chicago Tribune. LITTLE TOO RARE. Guest (in cheap restaurant)—Here, waiter! What kind of soup is this? Walter—Dat am chicken soup, sah. Guest—Well, take it back and ask the cook to coax the chicken to wade through it just once more.—Chicago News. THE BUSIEST TIME. “So this is your dull season, eh?” ob- served the visitor. ‘“When Is the busiest period in your factory?” ‘“When the whistle blows for the men to quit work.” answered the manufacturer. —Indianapolis Sun. PERISHABLE: “What ails Mrs. Miggs?"” “She says she spent the whole after- noon making that cake and the family gobbledlit up in fifteen minutes.”—Chicago Record. Dunn—What do you think of Dauber’'s latest picture, after Rubens? Brown—I think that Rubens would be after Dauber if he could only sece it. First Attendant at the Restaurant— That's a funny looking <duffer that just came in. Second Ditto—Yes; all things come to those who wait.—Boston Transcript. Jricks of Bara-Jicrmers. “One of the old slang phrases of the stage,’”” ‘said Muggles, who used to be a good actor, “was to ‘pong.” This means, or used to mean, using your own language —that s, playing a part without cues of the proper lines, relying only upun a knowledge of the play to carry you through. Years ago on the road there used to be some highly ludicrous situa- tions in consequence of a new play being produceéd in a hurry. The stage manager, however, had a wonderful genius for patching up a hitch. When circumstances were necessary he would lower a front scene and tell the low comedian and chambermald to go on and ‘keep it up,’ and while they did so he would arrange bow the play had to be continued. “Of course, actors are supposed to help one another out of a difficulty, but at times old grudges were paid off. For in- stance, I remember on one oceasion a let- ter had to be read in one scene. Unfortu- nately this letter could not be found, so a ‘dummy’—that is, & blank sheet—was sent on the stage. ** ‘Say, dad,’ said the acter who had to read a letter, and seeing it blank, ‘here’s a letter for you. You had better read It yourself, as I am sure it contains good news.’ “But ‘dad’ tumbled to the occasion and replled: ‘No, Tom, you read it. Here, Nelly, yos read it.’ *““The unsuspecting Nélly takes the let- ter and, seeing it blank, says: *‘No, father had better read it. He will be able to make it out better. ¥l go and fetch your spectacles. I know where they are.” And off she goes. “The old man is again equal to the.,oc- casion and calls out to her: ‘Never mind bringing them, Nelly; I'll come and get them.” Then he walks off, and the stage manager has to rearrange the scene. “Yes, sir; there's a lot in the theatrical business you outsiders never dream of."— New York Sun. ALL HIS FAULT. “Women beat the world.” “What's the matter now?" “When my wifc wants anything pretty to wear she hints around until I persuade her to buy it; then after she has worn it out she pitches into me for encouraging her to be so extravagant.”—Chicago Rec- ord. MODESTY. She—Oh, Fred, dear, you are noble, so generous, so handsome, so chivalrous, s much the superior of every man I me« I just can't help loving . Neo whai do you see in plain little me to admire? He-Oh, I don't know, dear; but you have very good judgment.—Truth. Charitable O!d Lady-—Poor woman' And are you a widow? Beggar—Worse than a widow, ma’am. Me husband’s living, an’ I have to sup- port him.—Glasgow Evening Times. Mr. Pollitix-That wretched Jorkins is telling awful lies about me. Mrs. Polli- tix—Why don’t you dare him to prove his charges?” Mr. Pollitix—Well, I'm not such an idiot as that. P AT HET T T A TR TG I WOULDN'T BE HARD ON HIM. Knight Stands (an actor walking home) —Will you tell me how far it Is to Slob- town? Farmer Oatcake—Wal, twelve miles. Knight Stands—Are you sure? Farmer Oatcake—Seeing as how you're tired out, I'll eall it ten miles, then. it's jest about