The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 5, 1900, Page 3

&l \‘MK o 06 e)e)e)) e b a3 Mr. Howes Fly—Mr. Caterpillar is not | very sporty these days. : Mr. Butt R. Fly—No; but he says he is | going to be very fly later in the season. L D e ey B IN THE NECK. | “Have you read Borus’ book, | “Boiled Brains'?”’ “Yes.” “I thought you didn"t like Borus’ styvle.” | “Y don't " | “What did you read his book for?” “Because | knew some blamed fool would be sure to ask me if I had read it.”" | »Chicago Tribune. } latest INDED IN A DRAW. Tommy—Hello, Jimmy, what kep’ _\'nu'.", Jimmy—Ma and the old man had an ar- | gument. He wanted me to haul some | coal inte the back yard did it end? I drawed it.—Stray | Tommy—How Jimmy—In a draw; $tories. HOPE IN AFFLICTION. “Your serenity,” said the Grand Vizier, “here is another ultimatum from the powers “Good,” replied the Sultan. *“If this keeps up we'll have enough waste paper to sell to the ragman and pay our debts.” »Stray Stories. THE IMPOSSIBLE AGAINST HIM “Did the doctors =ay what made poor Billy Jopps lose his mind?” ‘Yes,; he has been trying to construct an itocab s rht that he could carry it hic » his back if it got balky.”"—Chi- L S Record SPEAKING IN PARABLES. a table do they Wha ort of set at your house?’ asked the prospective | boarder “Table of waits and measures,” said Asbury Peppers in reply. ““The first long 81 he latter short London Tit-Bits. FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW. Hicks—Do you and yvour wife ever get | into an argument? Wicks—No I try to argue with her sometimes, but all she ever does is to make a lot of unfo »d assertions in re- P Somervilie Journal. ) A JUVENILE Mary? Little Mary Morse (remorsefully)—Ev'ry sing goes drong all time. Great-Grandpa—wnat's wrong, Bad my whole life to live over agin!” | indeed. | when he eats.” a license for a mastiff.” | she gathered up her skirts and brushed THE SUNDAY CALL. Wanted a License. - / ‘l:u\h the place to get a license for a “Yes, miss!”’ “Well, he is a little white poodle.” “That is immaterial, miss.” “And he is scarcely larger than a kitten. I do not think the dog-eatchers would take him_ but it is best to be on the safe side.”” “Yes, miss, and do you wish a license?” “I cail him Tupper, and he is a present from a friend.” “Here is—"' “You sce, 1 wanted to make sure he was a genuine poodle; so I took him around to the bird store. The man sald he was genuine.” & “Miss, if you will only—"" “But Tupper's hair ruins his eyes. Yes, I must have it trimmed.” “There are pecople—""' “And he is sick so often. But the bird man told me that a genuine poodle is al- ways sick.” 2ol “I just wish you could see how intelli- gent he is.” “This gentleman is waiting—"" “You ought to see how cunning he looks ““Mies, do you wish a license?” “Well, er—how much is it?” “Two dollars.” “Two dollars?” “Yes, miss, and plecase hurry; there is a gentleman behind you waiting to procure “How much will he have to pay?”’ “Two dollars, miss. All dogs are the same."”’ “It is an imposition! The idea of charg- ing the same for a harmless poodle as you do for a horrid mastiff. I'll not pay it I'll keep Tupwver in the house,” and then S ——— S out.—Chicago News. —_— e —————— A DISAPPOINTING M. D. “Where are the men?” cried the summer girl; “There isn't a man in sight! How can 1 waltz in the ‘mazy’ whirl Without a partner to-night?”’ “There’s one,” said ner chum, them say . That Dr. Jones would be here; If he's only obliging, yocung and gay We'll vote him a perfect dear.” They “I heard | ¥ - .9' dressed themsecives best, With many a frill and curl. | "Twas cruel fate that did the rest, ' in their wvery For the doctor was a girl. L) . 00 THE GUNNER’S JOKE. WHAT HURTS. , ‘“The other side,”” observed the ecandi- date, in much apprehension, ““are putting some damaging reports in circulation.” ‘ “But no money to speak of,” rejoined | the chairman of the campaign committee compiacently.—Detroit Journal. of the West o the biggest is the best, And, millicn guns, THAT WAS ALL. | he may read who runs. Mrs. Fido for a walk on the parade. you please, mum, Fido won't follow me. Mrs. Fido. A very smart man is Wu, ' But he bit ¢ff more than he couid chu When he tried (0 keep peace Twixt whites and Chinese; But what could the poor man du? Man—I—I—1, sir, Her Young would ¥ 3 e like— Her Father—Well, what is it,| Ske—You betting men always remind me voung man? Why don’t you stop mum- of ; a‘ l:l{nhklfl. The innocent—Do - we, bling? What have you got in your | Milly? Yes: because you gamble on the | you'd say mouth? Her Young Man—I—I'm afraid turf and eventually get fleeced. i Press. it's my heart, sir. ogecfotestoofestoducesontontest THESE PARENTS. Mabel—So your mother has married again? Maud—Yes, thank goodness! You can’t think how glad I am to get her com- fortably settled. You don’t know what a terrible trial she has been to me lately.— Cincinnati Enquirer. IT ALL DEPENDS. " “You see, boys,” e=ald a scientific lec- turer, ‘“‘that two and two always make four, and nothing else.” “0O, ves they do,” cried one youngster, a feeling of profound respeect. point of view the subject is one to pro- mote gravity. i | i | I { | | LAMENT. Wish't 1 Mr. Grasshopper—Oh, I just to-night | From the Indies of the East to the Indies We have taught the smokelcss lesson that as we are the largest by about a Plutus—John, T want you to take John—If “they sometimes make 22.”"—Stray Stories. | The mule, whether in peace or war, is a subjeet which should be approached wlth! love dancing! IN THE PUBLIC EYE. AON. ADLAI EWING STEVENSON. DEMOCRATIC VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE. e e R B R R RS TOOK NO TIME TO MAKE HER CHOICE. Brother Tom—Yes, I like him well ;onuugh. Polly; but how did vou ever hap- | pen to marry a man a head shorter than g you are? { His Married Sister—I had to choose, The lesson’s written down so plainly that f Tom, between a little man with a big sal- ary and a big man with a little salary.— Stray Stories. § INCORRIGIBLE. | Plutus—Well, then, you must foilowl Mrs. Lushford—I see you are late agalin. D idn't you remember what I told you the last time you stayed out so late? Mr. Lushford—No, m' dear. Zass ze reason I stayed out zish time—to see if it over again.—Indianapolis 3 e S O o o o “RUSHING THE KAHN.” L e e a2 S S R R SR SR B DECOLLETE SHOES. Mamma—We must go downtown to-day, dear, and get you a new pair of shoes. Little Ethel (who has set her heart on a pair of Oxford ties)—Oh, mamma, I can have the low-necked kind, can’t 1?7—Phil- adelphia Press. ‘ WORKS BOTH WAYS, ‘ —— { “What is illustration, Uncle Andrew?"” “INustration? Why, it is writing prose or verse that will fit a picture somebody has already drawan.—Indianapolis Journal, SHE PRODABLY KNEW. The Count—Do you bike, Miss Blinker? Miss Blinker—No; it shows 3uch poor From every | form. The Count—Well—of know.—S8tray Stories. course—I don't :! L e e e A 2 e o e e e e e 3 S B RS B B B BT - TN aw— o We are going to give a big hop