The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 5, 1900, Page 2

Jhe Plumber's Dream. > THE plumber dreamed, and to him it seemed that a future great was his. For he thought that he was in gay Paree, where he made coin with a whizz. HE snored full deep in his happy sleep, and he slumbered fair and well; for [ his pleasant trance was that there in France he was running a hotel. "IT was foll of guests and all their re- ! quests were of the sest that cost them - . THE SUNDAY CALL. dear. And he sighed: “Kind Fates! Exposition rates are the rates give me cheer.” HE charged them all] in figures tall, for their food and room and light: and he made them pay for the sun by day and the twinkling stars at night. THEIR bills were long and the rates were strong, from champagne down to beer. His dream was sweet and he'd oft repeat: “Ten franes for the atmos- that phere. EVERY breeze that blew he would charge for, too; and then, when the air was still, he would murmur: “Thanks—one calm, two franes,” and he'd add it to the bill. the dream he rolled on yellow gold and banknotes heaping high, and said | to himself, as he viewed the peif: “What a lucky dog am L™ BUT a shudder passed o'er his frame at last, for a man came stalking in, and his voice was gruff and hi8 manner rough, and he wore a wicked grin. AND by his side was a man flerce-eyed, and another with the tweo, and the trio said, as he bowed his head: | “You the landlord? Howdydo?" ? THEN spake the first in a voice zu-t'_'.r'«-r!: | | | IN “I have here your bill for coal And the second said: *“By my grisly head i I'm the iceman for my toll.” "TWAS then the third by him was heard, ’ and he shivered with a chill: “You | may keep your health, but I'll tak vour wealth, for I have your plumbing bill.™ THEN the plumber woke and aloud he spoke: “I1 am glad that such dream come: for it teaches me, if I'd wealthy be, I should stay at home and plumb —Josh Wink in Baltimore American. P LIGHT ON “BOXER"” TROUBLE This may not be a verbatim copy of the letter that the unfortunate young Chinese Emperor sent to the representatives of the powers asking their protection agair i the Empress Dowager, but it is undoubt- edly a good deal like it—if it is like it at all: “Foleign degs! The sun of the moon addlesses you. Come lite away quicke { and catichee cid woman, Empress Dowager | makee life misable allee samee me You | catchee quick. Lockee up tightee No | lettee out. Hollid old woman. Cuttee off | head. No goodee. | “Empless Dowager pushee me off thlone. | Stickee me in dalk loom. Me muchee 'flaid. She give me poison; makee me | muchee sick. Say, ‘He no goodee.” Catchee { allee samee me by cue. Walkee ‘lound { loom. Walkee fast. Pullee me by cue. | Pullee off. Hurt like hellee. “You foleign dogs, you come quickee . and catchee old woman allee samee she catchee me. ““This flomee son of the full moon, half | blother of the sun and glate uncle of the | lainblow. “P. S.—You comee now. | Cleveland Plain Dealer. No waitee.”— NEVER BECALMED. “He cught to be a yachtsman.” , THE OLD MAN'S TEMPER. “Why s0?"” { % 3 » Tom—Has old_Goldbonds withdrawn his He has pienty of wind. ‘ Ry © { objection to four calling upon his L I e e e e e B e e e e e e T xi i : | Dick—No. A P.RODIGY. IT NONPLUSED HER. ONE ON jflu CLERK. Tom—No? I thought you were going to “My boy Jimmie, aged nine, is a corker | Mrs. Malaprop—And then, after all,| He thrust the sealed letter through the | make him come to terms? In psyvchology—and it's only his second | when term L it. 100. man at the door said: i | but you can’t get into the hall without a The other day he said he was | ticket.” Dick—So 1 did, and they were the vilest | terms anybody ever applied to me.—Phila- | deiphia Press. window and put down two cents. ‘“Well, what do vou want?”’ asked the stamp clerk, gruffly. “An automobile, I got to the convention hall the “Sorry, madam, please,”” he replied, certa le!mt t:hel.; higih}(;r m.tn}ml influence | Mrs. Gabbil—Gracious, what did you do | sweetly.—Philadelphia North American. THE ARTISTS WIFL had nothing to do with my being a good | (hen? A = ‘“What's the matter with the coffee e R g 5 o Mrs. Malaprop—I didn’t know what to THE ELEPHANT'S PLANK. , Laura?” Isn't it ready?” . ‘Ho said 1 Praptgpg ok | do. T was completely ne plus.—Philadel-| «pellow citizens of the Jungle,” said the | ‘Have patience, Adolar. It's already =aid T was afraid of the police!”"— Cieveland Plain Dealer, COUC LI TP S T S 0 . . B B D »! o OB = DR ey A'+' | | | wife; him ?”’ it was?”’ | “Oh, I thought it had run down.”’—Phil- l adelphia Press. \ e ot { GAMII OF CHANCE. JHar@ifink was not in favor of { -, “man met g pull i S-eld. trolley line running through his{ e S o i Shsrdthey ot 46 Funsinet i I'll toss you to see who stays,” said good shape .!:-’ \\':l"’- (Tl'ilt’ :H;lkc‘k “:\'ilh | the bull. Shovd { He tossed the man and lost. | The moral is that it is never safe to in- @ leferlesfectotunirluntonte vte sleslestententantenteslestsotecteele@ | ditlge in a4 game of chance, especially R i e o ‘ d { when all the odds are against you.—Phila- THAT ACCOUNTS. FOR IT. ldcl)\hi:t North American. S | Gerald—I wender how Ananias got such | a reputation as a liar? i Geraldine—1 suppose he told Sapplira | phia Press, Brassie—What were “you doing lugging that bundle of sticks on the links yester- day afternoon? Foozle—\Well, clusion that carrying the sticks as to follow the ball over the field, muscuiar effort, so I make the caddy do the hitting and I carry the bag.—DBeston Transcript. “Here's the clockmaker come to fix our sitting-room clock, | “Why, it isn't upstairs, is it?” replied he, lazily. “Of course it is. Johnny—Paw, what is conscience? monkey, ‘“various as our interests may be, can’'t we find some platform on which we may all stand?”’ “That’s right,”” put in the elephant. “Let us denounce menageries!"—Puek. sketehed in.'—Meggendorfer Blaetter. SEASONABLI. DO NOT DO THINGS BY HALVES. Step on a man’s toe and he will knock e you down. Teacher (to class)—What is an octopus?| Break his jaw for him and he will apol- Small Boy who has just commenced Latin | ogize to you. (eagerly)—Please, sir, I know, sir; it's an Kill one man and you will be an outlaw; eight-sided cat!” | *Kill ten thousand and you will be a hero. DRI EI N S S S LS S R @it e S S T e R i o i 2 2 8 e 2 I i e O ety ] I have come to the con- it is just as good exercise with only an ocecasional ONE ON HER. said the funny man's “won’'t you go up and get it fer Where did you think DADDY'S DEFINITION, she vm:.: the only girl he had ever loved.— Paw—Conscience, my son, is something | % Harper’'s Bazar. that we always think should bother the Ethel (rummaging in grandma's drawer) Other full-rw.—Lflnr—u_Amcncan. —'()h, P;randr'rm. what a curious key this is! “Why do you not eat your apple, (vl’unl’mil—\."-\'- my dear; that was your | Tommy?"” “I'm waiting till Johnny Briggs grandfather’s latchkey. Ethel—And you | comes along. Apples taste much better keep it in memory of old days? Grandma | when there’'s some other kM to watch Hippo (in bed, yawning and stretching)—Oh, darn it! There goes the alarm —No, my dear; old nights. you eat 'm.” clock!