Evening Star Newspaper, June 6, 1926, Page 81

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, JUNE & 1926—PART 5. 1 Commencement Seasons and Developments at Top of the Earth They Had Decided the Troublesome Pup Was the Last One They Would Ever Have 7 BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S the famous Chinese philoso- her, Confuseus, once said, "Let’ every dog have his day, but confound him when he barks at night.” And what a wise Chinese firecracker the old bird was certainly come home to I and George, that's my husband, that time not long ago when Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club give us a pup. When the suggestion come up, over the phone and the hound, at first none of us wanted it. Not much! says George, there can't nobody ever take uld Towser's place, no sir! And I says, well, if vou thought such a lot of Towser, why and the world did you have him kiiled for? Geo. says say listen, you know as good as I do that we coudn’t keep him after he caught the measles! And I says, well, I always thought, myself it was the pip he had, no, I guess nobody could take his place, the place on the best sofa, especially, I'd see to that, seems to me I used to spend the most of my time chasing him off of it. Hot Bozo! no more dogs around this house, not if T know it. You just call up Joe Bush this very moment and tell him nothing doing. | So Geo, called up the Hawthorne | Club and he savs, say old man. awfully sorry, but we can't po y take that dog. mighty nice of you to | offer it, but T don't see how we could use it.' so don't under any circum stances bring it. So.Joe Bush brought the dog right around and says it's mighty nice of you folks to take the pup. T certainiy appreciate it. I know | vou will enjoy him, he's a nice little | feller, a thoroughbred Fitzoften, with a real pedigree. it's a Alsatian police dog, it has a long police record. Any- ways, he's worth about two hundred | and fifty bucks and T paid out two dollars cash money for him. Every body tells me he is a splendid speci- | men, T thank you! | And with which remarks Joe Bush left us flat, and honest, I hadder admit | that pup was just too cute. He wasn't | over three mons. old, and anybody | could tell what a fine police dog he ! was, why he already had regular | prison stripes on his tail and a dark | lue coat. Everybody remarked aboul that | coat, especially when I put it on hin. | Tiven Geo. weakened when he seen the | pooch and the pooch smelled of his | hand. -, Jennie, says Geo., that's a mighty flne dog, I shouldn't wonder if he grew up to be a champion. Tam | quite proud to have a dog worth three | hundred dollars, that's the right kind | to have, see, he knows me already. | Well, he knows me best, 1 says. | just lookit them cute clumsy paws will you, and those eye: about me, anyone can te intelligent! And just about then in | come Junior, and_he was delighted. | He let out & howl, in fact. Will he | bite. Ma” says Junior, and I says no, no, dear, he's only growling for play, | pat the nice doggie, dear, vou got to be friends with him. and take good care of him. He is a very valuable dog. he's worth three hundred and | fifty dollars | Leave him bite vou a little so's| he'll know yor | * % % % O Junior let the c take a lick of I my heart just melted he took to Junior even after he the boy's hand licked clean. dog. ain't he, Ma? gouner take all the ca I'm gonner evervthing. What's his Well, then the fight 'started. ain’t got any name yet. I s we ought to think & ig- | inal name for him. something dif- ferent and distinguished. I think Cap | would be a good name. And Geo. | at once says nonsense, he's a police | «dog, we ought to call him some dig- | nified name like Herr Sauerkraut IIT, | or Wasislose, he's too expensive a pup for a cheap name like Cap. And I says but maybe he don't speak German, Joe Bush claimed he was Alsatian. Think of some Al- satian name! But Geo. couldn’t think was had of him, Ma, s and Ma? te m | come to | and a extra mouth to feed. ¢ | wheres moth they certainly read character and you can't fool them. while I explained to her must excuse him, he was a very valu- “THAT PUP COULD STEAL A SNACK OUT OF THE ICE BOX AS QUICK AND CLEVER AS ANY ICE MAN.” BY ED WYNN. EAR Mr. Wyni My sweet- heart and ‘T are going on a hike next Sunday. We in- tend walking cross country My girl weighs 1973 pounds. ‘What T want to know s this: When ‘e come 10 a fence, is it my place tc “help” her over the fence?” Truly yours, P. DESTRIAN. Answer—My dear boy, as your girl welghs nearly 200 pounds, it is your place to “help” the fence. Dear Mr. Wynn: A friend of mine /| says he knows a pair of twin girls of any Alsatian thing except blue Alsatian mountains and the nearest he could come to an Alsace name was Alsace-Lorraine, and it wasn't that kind of a dog. Then Junior had a idea. Say Ma. I know, says Jr.. let's call_him™ Eddie! Hddie would be a good name for him, Ma! N But I says no. what we ought té do with a_five, four dog like thal. is cail him after the kennels he come from, now if we knew- the kennels we could call him Champion Klover Kennels Wolfgang | or something! But we couldn’t really agreement, and it looked for a while like the sweet littie dar ling was gonner be known by some Japanese name like Heyou! finally we decided on Cap. and really it was a great pleasure to have Cap around. To commence with he give me some- thing to trip over, around the house, And was he smart? Believe you me that pup could steal a_snack out of the ice box s quick and clever as any ice man we ever had, honest, he was almost human at it. And he was awful brave, too. he could lick any dog half his size, and as I often said to Geo. as time went on, that dog was a great watchdog. In_fact, he swallowed George's watch the first week we had him and as for keeping dani acters off the place, bage-man didn't dast to come any near the house for pretty near a month after we got the pup, why the gar and if he did make friends with the only claimed the man probably had a good burglar we ever had, well, I and that Dog: he must of had a don’'t make mistakes, heart, Take for a sample the time that Mrs. Goofnah come to call, and Cap at once realized she was the most selfish, and mean of all my best friends, and kept her at the gate while he told her just what he thought of her in so many barks. i hadder rush out and grab him and pold him where she able dog worth five hundred dollars. although we hadn’t paid quite that| much for him on account we got him through a friend. hundred dollar | Byt | cerous char- | Then, quite to the other hand, Cap was real fond of bill-collectors. He always left them come right up to the door without a yip ‘outa him. I sup- pose he realized the hopelessness of their call, and felt sorry for ‘em | intelligent! He was as chooss L could be, he showed his high breed- ing or blood pressure. or whatever, by the things he chose to sit on. He'd never pick out some cheap | worthless thing to ruin, but only {the very best. lle done this with my new forty-five dollar hat that [ had just paid five dollars for. but | which certainly looked the difference And with shoes, why he would nev er take Junior's old shoes to chew on. he would always take Junior's { best shoes. especially on week days | when Junior was wearing the old ones. The police-blood in him showed up strong, t0o, as time went on. Hot Bozo! Why thay pooch was a reg- {ular detective. He would take stuff like silk stockings or parlor orna- ments and hide 'em in places it would ;|ak9 me weeks to find. But {leave me hide something such as a box of candy. and he would drag it out just at the wrong moment. It's a darn lucky thing we ain’t got any family skeleton, on account if we had. | the pup would surely of hauled it out | when company was there. * K K ¥ PUT that dog certainly got down into our hearts. W | come to regard him exactly like the fam and speak of him the same | as if he was another child, or one of | ourselfs. Many and many's the time I_have heard Geo. speak of him affectionately, such remarks as con- found that brute, why don’'t he shut up barking, T wisht somebody would | steal him. Or again Geo. would sav. that darn animal of yours, he’s trying to bite the postman again, I'm afraid somebody will shoot that dog one of these days. And I would say, I am afraid that they won't. Then again Geo. would speak per- | sonally to Cap, in much the same ten- | der tones he used towards Junior. He would say come here this instant, sir, what do you mean by acting like that, ain’t you ashamed? And ete. Junior was real fond of the pup, too. right When the Dignified Graduate Returns 'To the Campus of Dear Old Alma Mater BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. N THE ciub ‘o which I beiong. in a | quiet_corner where the sunlight | falls in sideways, there may be | seen sitting of an afternoon my | good friend of 30 years' standing. | Mr. Edward Sims. Being somewhat aficted with gout, he generally sits with one foot up orta chai And here of an afternoon Mr. Sims talks to me of his he was young. vears of his life have moved in so gentle a cur- rent upon so smooth a surface that they have been without adventure. Tt is the stormy period of his youth that preoccupies my friend as he sits look- | ing from the window of the clubat the | waving leaves in the Summertime | and the driving snow in the Winter. On such occasions he talks to me | of the noble old college which he at-| tended, of the campus, of its great size, of the ancient elm trees, the wonderful old buildings: and still more he talks of the venerable professors; their deep learning; of the aged pres] dent, and of the wit, the brilliance and the achievements of his college class- mates. Mr. Sims lived, it would seem, in a golden age, Yet, oddly enough. in his 30 rs of graduation he has never visited the “old place,” as le| fondly calls it. 1 was the more surprised then when he expressed his intention one Spring day of vititing the “old shop™ and in- vited me to make the journey with him to his college town. 1 gathered that his visit was not without a pur- | pose; that his fortune had now reached | the comfortable stage when some- thing must be done with it; and that he meditated a donation to the “old joint.” 1I interred further that his mind turned to the endowment of a chair in philosophy—a. deep subject and one that does not alter or pass away. Tt was in the fullness of the Spring- time that we made our journey, when the leaves are out on the college campus, and when commencement draws near, and when all the college, .even the students, are busy. Mr. Sims, I noted when I joined him at the train, was dressed as for the occasion. He wore a round straw hat with a colored ribbon, and light gray suit, and & necktfe with the garish colors of tha college itself. Thu: foot allowed him upon a yellow stick, and dreamed himself again an under- duate. We left the train, walked through the little town, and entered the uni- versity gates. g “Gee!” gaid Mr. Sims. pausing a moment and leaning on his stick, “4vere the gates only as big as that?” | We began to walk up the avenue. | “I thought there were more trees to It than these.” said Mr. Sims. “Yes,” I answered. “You often said that the avenue was a quarter of ni mile long.” “WHAT CROP OF YOUNG H(l(‘)‘[’)hl,'MS ARE THOSE?” ASKED MR. Then Mr. Sims looked at the cam- pus. A dinky-looking little spot,” he said. “Didn’t you say,” I asked, “that the arts building was built of white marble?” “Alwi thought it was,” he an- swered. ooks like rough cast from here, doesn't it?" “We'll have to go in and see the president, I suppose.” continued Mr. Sims. He said it with regret. Something in his undergraduste soul had re- turned to his body. Although he had never seen the president (this one) in his life and had only read of his ap- pointment some five years before in the newspapers, Mr. Sims was afraid of him. 4 “Now, I tell yoi,” he went on. ““We'll just make o break in and then a quick get-away. Don't let's get an- chored in there, ? If the old fellow gets talking, h go on forever. T remember the way it used to be when a fellow had to go in to see Prexy in my time. The old guy would start mooning away and quoting Latin and keep us there half the mornink.” .At this moment two shabby-look- ing, insignificant mén, who had evi- dentiy come out from one of the build- ings, passed us on the sidewalk. “I wonder who those guys are, said Mr, Sims. “Look like bums, don’t they?” “So the thtng used to od. be,” he mur: | mure Shki I shook my head. Seme instinct told me that they were professors. But T didn’t say so. My friend con- tinued his instructions. “When the president asks us to lunch,” he said, “I'll say that we're lunching with a friend downtown, see? Then we'll make a break and get out. If he says he wants to introduce us to the facuity or anything like that, then you say that we have to get the twelve-thirty to New York, see? I'm not going to say anything about a chair in philosophy today. T want to read it up first some night 80 as to be able to talk about it.” To all of this I agreed. From-a janitor we inquired where to find the president. “In the administration building, eh?” said Mr. Sims. “That's a new ‘The building on the right, ‘Thank you.” “‘See the president?” sald a young lady in an ante-office. “I'm not sure whether you can see him just now. Have you an appointment?” Mr. Sims drew out a card. ‘Give him that,” he said. On the card he had scribbled “Graduate of 1887.” In a few minutes we were shown into another room, where there was a young man. evidently the president’s | secretary, and a number of people | waiting. “Will you kindly sit down.” mur- mured the young man, in a consulting- e i ‘and wait? The president is engaged just now."” ‘We waited. Through the inner door leading to the president people went and came. Mr. Sims, speaking 'in continued to-caution me on Just | ‘He would show his love in every pos- ! sible way, such as tying old cans onto | its tail, making it ride in a old baby | carriage, forcing it to be the bull when the kids played bull-fight, dressing it up in my clothes, and such things. And as for me, weil, I never showed it anything but love and affection, such as yelling, hey, somebody please hold | this darned dog while I drive off in the | car, the pest wants to go with me! Or slapping Cap for not minding, the same as 1 would with my child. And Cap thought the whole family was A.1. He was simply cuckoo over us | all, and whenever we got just too mad | for' words at him, wh would wag that tail at us, and glve a dog-look out of them funny, shoe-button eves, | and we would give him another last chance to make good. But at last, finally when he had ac- tually bit the little boy next door, wh we hadder give him away. We give him to a friend of ours who run a Sausage factory, and this friend of | ours was a wonder at making good dogs out of bud ones. And the relief of getting rid of that pest of a Cap was noticed by the whole entire family. Well, says Geo. that's the last dog we will ever have. No more dogs, they are too much responsibility. ~And hardly had he said that, and I agreed wtih him, then in come Junior, and he | says Ah Ma, he says, there's a boy at | school says I can have one of the new | puppies over to their house for 50c, piease can I have it, Ma? Please please say I can have it. ‘And Geo. says not much, says Geo., there can’t nobody ever take Old Cap's place, no sir! And I says, well, if you though so much of him, why did You let him graduate to a hot-dog stand? And Geo. says say listen, you know as good as I do that we couldn’t keep him after he bit that kid! And I says well, 1 always thought, myself, it was the kid bit him, no I guess no dog can take his place. So Junior says oh thanks Ma, I'll run and get him now! So before I could prevent Junior, he went and got the pup, and the minute 1 seen him. why anybody could tell the little darling was a fine dog, worth at least a hundred dollars. Anyway, Junior had certainly got a bargain for 50c. And so far as I could see there ‘wasn’t nothing for me to do except go ahead and raise this one, too. (Copyright. 1926.) the quickness of our get-away. Presently the young man touched him on the shoulder. ispered. he whi We entered the room. The “old [ rose to meet us, Mr. Sime’ card in his hand. But he was not old. He was at least 10 years younger than either of us. He was, in fact, what Mr. Sims and I would almost have called a boy. In dress and man- ner he looked as spruce and busy as the sales manager of a shoe factory. “Delighted to see you, gentlemen," ! he said, shaking hands effusively. “We are always pleased to see our old graduates, Mr. Simpson—No, I beg pardon, Mr. Sims—class of '97, 1 see—No, I beg your pardon, Class of '67, I read it wrongly—" ‘T heard Mr. Sims murmuring some- thing that seemed to contain the words “a look around.” Yes, yves, exactly,” sald the presl- dent. “A look round, you'll find a great deal to interest you in looking about the place, I'm sure, Mr. Simp- son, great changes. I'm extremely sorry I can’t offer to take you around myself,” here he snapped a gold watch open and shut, “the truth is I have to catch the 12:30 to New York—so { sorry.”’ | Then he shook our hands again, { very warmly. In another moment we | were outside ll?:d door. The getaway was accomplished. ‘We walked out of the building and toward the avenue. “ As _we the portals of the Arts Building, & nolsy, rackety crowd of boys—ovidently, to our eyes, school- boys—came out, jostling and shouting. They swarmed past us, accidentally, ne doubt, body-checking Mr. Sims, whose straw hat was knocked off and rolled on the sidewalk. A janitor picked it up for him as the crowd of vs passed. “What pack of young hoodlums are those?” asked Mr. Sims, ‘You oughtn't to let young roughs like that come into the buildings. Are they here from some school or something?” “No, sir,” said the janitor. “The; students.” “Students?”’ repeated Mr. Sims. “And what are they shouting Like tha for?” “There's & notice up that their pro- fessor is ill, and so the class is can- celed, sir.” “Class!” said Mr. Sims. “Are those class? “Yes, sir,” sald the janitor. ‘“That's the senior class in philosophy. Mr. Sims sald nothing. H to limp more than his custom passed down the avenue. So far as I know, his only bene- faction up mgdlw has been the $2 that he gave t6 a hackman to drive us away from the college. (Copsright, 1026.) RO The telephone wires in London “The president will see you now,” | that, whatever you tell them, must he told"to theém together. Why is that? Yours truly, RAY D. OHE. Answer—That is because the twins look so much alike they can't be told apart. Dear Mr. Wynn: In the Government income tax notice mention is always made of “a full return.” What do you think that means? Sincerely, D. LINQUEN' Answer—To me “a full return” always means when a man comes back home drunk. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a poor wom an and sell doughnuts for a living. 1 charge 3 cents apiece for the dough- nuts. One man says he will buy dozen doughnuts every day if T will | take off 1 cent from the price of each doughnut for the hole. 1 can't afford to sell them cheaper than 3 cents and would like him for a customer. What shall I do?” Sincerely, OLIVE OYLE. Answer—The next time vou see him tell him you have decided to give him 1 cent for each hole when he returns the holes. Dear Mr. Wyn place for one's ner Yours tru JACK St Answer—1'll say it is. I know a man who went to Florida five years ago and opened a hotel. lie used to charge $2 & night for a room and bath. Now he has the nerve to charge $10 a night for the same room. Dear Mr. Wynn: I have heard sev- eral authors of books referred to as “‘chemist 1 know some authors have different degrees conferred on them, but never “‘chemist.” Can you tell me what makes an author “chemist”? Truly yours, i. REED ALOTT. An author is called a when_his book becomes a he market Answe “‘chemist drug on t Dear Mr. Wynn: Will you please by settle a dispute between my wife and Race Suicide, With Its New Definition, Proves to Be a Sporting Proposition me? alw My wife has a brother s goes to other people’s houses | iust so he can get drinks of whisky for nothing. I claim a fellow wh does a thing like that is a “sponge. My wife says he is not a “sponge. Who is right” Yours truly, A. GNOG Answer—Your wife is right. brother fills up on whisk “sponge” generally fills up on water Dear Mr. Wynn: What “race suicide”? Yours truly, POLLY TISHAN. Answer—When a man goe track, bets on a hor: money. bhecomes des Kills ‘himself, that's Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a boy 15 vears of age. 1 applied for @ job in a grocery store, and when the grocer asked me how many cunces make a pound. I said 16 ounces. Ile wouldn't give me the jol why? rours, RYBOYE. Answer—The next time you ask for a position in a grocery store, if the grocer asks vou how many ounces make a pound, just say 14 ounces, and you'll get the job. Dear Mr. Wynn: My father ways kicking about people look through our windows while we eat is who Her | while a | is meant to the | loses all his | “IS IT MY PLACE TO HELP HER OVER THE F MACKRY CE?" | { Our dining room is in the front room. {1 washed the windows yesterday. I only washed them on the inside o we | could Took out, but left them dirty on the outside so the people can't loc { | BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: Pretty near eversy- body that can rent or borrow a balloon or bicycle seems to of picked out this spring and summer as the time to visit what some after-dinner speaker has wittily it is said that the congestion up in “that neck of the woods” has all ready became so congested that the mayor of Poland has assigned 3 extra mounted Eskimos to the traffic squad to work week day afternoons and all day Baturday and Sunday. Dame Rumor hath™ it that one of these policemens. a fellow it seems by the name of Cardiac Tepus, was fined 13 a mo. salary and scolded something fierce for his failure to catch up with “THE GOLF COURSE WILL BE ALL ON THE ICE, WITH EVERY SHOT A CHIP SHOT.” and give Lieut. Byrd a ticket when that reckless denizen tore through the city limits of Pole at a speed that would even be illegal in Cicero, Ilinois. My employers, sensing in their peculiar way that powar exhibitions was more or lest in the public eye these days, asked me one evening last wk, to go over to Chin, Long Island, and _interview that master explorer of all time, Prof. Sterno Glottis, who was the first to discover that it was possible to obtain strong drink after it was vs. the law i? vou went at it the right way. Informed of my errand, the pro- fessor was inclined to take a jocose view of the whole incident. “They could solve the traffic prob- em up there in an hour if they would use common horse sense or even herse liniment,” he said. “All they need do is substitute seals for Eskimos and provide free tourist camps. If there is one place where police ought to be efficient, that one place is the Pole.” I asked him why. “Because,” he replied, ‘“that is where police started. The very word police is a combh‘mtlnn of Pole and Ice.” 1 lay down on the dais; hoping to get a better view of the professor's form. “I'm bored feeble,” he continued, “by some of the remarks credited to Amundsen, Byrd, Ellsworth, Wilkins and the rest. For example, before setting sail in the Norge, Amundsen d, ‘I can be in the air a month.’ 'hy the Philadelphia and Boston bail clubs has been there whole seasons. And you will notice that of all the boys that claims to of discovered the Pole, Admiral Peary and Joe Cook's uncle is the only ones that even spent the night there. If it is such a great vhne,’ ‘why don’t people stay there a while?” Prof. Glottis now began balancing himself, which I had been warned was a sign that he was apt to change his mind. . Sure enough his next re- marks was just the opposite. “Personally, I love the Pole,” he said, “and I have got plans in regard to same which I will ask that you alone, if joined together, would stretch around the world 50 times. keep them sub your rosa. lflflpl’ up there in July, but when § dubbed the North Pole and | Traffic Condition T intend | Th made us cempletely eblivious of his “I LAY DOWN ON THE DAIS. HOPING TO GET A BETTER VIEW- OF THE PROFESSOR’S FORM.” g0 it won't be in no Z.passenger toy balloon or go-cart. It will be in a special train and along with me will be a full crew of real estate men, landscape gardeners, golf architects, contractors, carpenters and builders. I am going to start a real estate de- velopment up there that will make. President Pessoa Has Human Traits BY WILLIAM H. CRAWFORD. RAZILIANS are great on cere- ‘mon; Evervthing must be au'fait. The battleship carry- ing the Colby Mission on its errand of good will to the na- tions of South America. was stopped 50 miles at sea, off Rio, by a radio dispatch from the Brazilian govern- ment, asking that we remain out of sight of land until the following morn- ing, and plan to arrive at 11 o'clock. ‘The mission had brought that request upon itself by being 24 hours ahead of its engagement. It was no part of the plans of President Pessqga to have the brilliant, welcoming céremonies, which had been in preparation for 2 month, dimmed in the least by a hurried rearrangement. x It was not welcome news. We had been cooped up on board ship for 18 days and wanted a chance to stretch our legs. ‘Whatever sense of inconvenience we ‘may have felt by being held a anchor out on the open Atlantic for a day, had its compensation when we were escorted into the jeweled setting of Rio harbor by two Brazilian crulsers the next morning. The harbor is a great bowl of glistening jade-tropical growth in which is inlaid the city with its suburbs. There are tvo mountains at the entrance like glorfous gateposts of the Brazilian domain. Between the cruisers of the Brazilian navy came the .vacht of the President like a gracious swan. ‘The United States battleship harked its salute as President Pessoa came aboard. He was a fine_figure of a man, though net of giant stature. ere was abeut him & dignity which (] larly noticing was that he possessed dignity. something which few small men ean attain. When we reached the shore, were met by long lines of dressed in their parade uniform: standing at attention, and behind them' thousands of Brazilians drawn up to welcome the North Americans and to see what we looked like. The parads was headed for Dom Pedro's palace. After the overthrow of the empire the republic had kept the emperor's palace for the purpose of entertaining guests of the govern- ment. Driving up to its palatial gates ‘we alighted. President Pessoa, who speaks perfect English, again welcomed us to Brazil and told us in the flowery man- ner of the Latins that this was to be our home during our stay in their ecity, then bade us good-by until the reception to be held at the executive mansion that night. He had made ample preparations for our comfort. The larder was well stocked and a corp of cooks was on hand to prepare a la carte dishes at any time for any member of the mis- sion. * We did not call upon them often, for the hospitable Brazilian offi- cials entertained us at almost every meal; but we did patronize the wine cellars, which he had so generously stocked. The language of the Brazilians is Portuguese. ~ While it closely resem- bles Spanish_on the printed page. it |is almost impossible for even a Spain- ard to unde and it when spoken and is entirely beyond au Anglo-Saxon, Presiderit Pessoa had placed a flock of automobiles at our disposal, so I determined to ride around and see Rio in the afternoon. Tiring of this, I [ ) s at the North Pole Receive Attention of Famed Explorer | sonie places look like the suburbs of {a ash bbl. The golf course will all | be on the ice, with every shot a chip | shot. As far as ice is concerned up there you can take your pick. I intend to build 2 mammoth hotels with & thousand rooms each.” T interrupted. Fa s Prof. Glottis, *‘what | about heat? am the one that is asking vou * said 1. “What about heat>" . of course.” said the profes- {sor. “I won't make mno effort to in stall heating plants, but if the guesis can't keep warm standing over the hotel register, w there is always * mustard plasters.” “I wonder. “But enough of the Pole,” Prof. Glottis said. regaining his feet. “T would like to forget all that and in | troduce you to the mysteries of a | new game.” Tn a tnoment we were seated oppo- site to one another with the board between us and 1 was being instructed in_the fine points of a game that bids fair to become a formidable rival height. What 1 remember particu- decided to see a sho There was no use in going to see a play I could not understand what While debating what to do posted in front of a theater, * las Fairbanks today"-—at guess the Jast word was today. So I dismissed my car and went in to see “Doug.” After the show was over I hailed & taxi and told him to drive me back to Dom Pedro’s palace. The Rio chauffeurs are keen busi- ness men. le was not going to lose a good fare by admitting he did not know what 1 was talking about. He had, however, caught the words, “Dom Pedro,” so he drove me to Dom Pedro’s garden: wrong—Dom Pedro's Theater—wrong again--Dom Pedro's Park—I think every public bullding was named after the former emperor. I tried my best to make the chauffeur understand where I wanted to go, but it was no use, he could not imagine — | wanting to ge to the palace. Finally | T espled a newsstand, on which a news. paper had a large picture of the Colbs Mission taken when we arrived. T pointed to the picture of myself, then to myself. He smiled broadly and im- mediately drove me to my destinction —Dom Pedro’s palace. The reception was a wonderful af- {fair. Senora Pestoa was altogether charming and convincing in her wel- come. During the evening 1 made an | engagement for an interview with the for the next day 11 As I entered the executive mansion, I met Mme. Pessoa. coming After the manner of Main street. United States of America, I stopped to tell her what a lovely time we had the night before. The lady was more than embarrassed; she was flabber- gasted. She bowed coldly with the utmost formality and hurried to her automobile. Utterly surplsed T turned toward the gate and saw President Pessoa coming across the lawn to meet me. Seldom has one had the opportunity 10 see a finer exposition of tact, than that shown by the president, over the discomforture of a victim of the eti- quette of a strange country. He pat- ted me reassuringly on the elbow, as he chewed his lip to keep from laugh ing. ‘“We should be very glad to have you among us for a much longer time. ‘We like the North American cordial- ity and appreciation of our friendship, but our customs are different from those of the Ulinted States. Under our canons of deportment, it is not permissible for a married woman to 80 much as exchange a greeting with a man on the street, unless she is ac- companied by her husband. T saw the catastrophe "coming, but there was not enough time for me to reach her Let me thank you, as it was impossible for Seno Pessoa to do, for the good will of vour intent.” (Copyright, 1996,y When dealing with the public, the better course to pursue is to be one's natural self, if that seif will bear the light of day.