Evening Star Newspaper, May 16, 1926, Page 93

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C., No Matter What Their Business May Be, They All Land Eventually at Ball Park ! BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. Paul Bearer, the great under- taker, once wrote in his How to keep a poker face when the Family weep over a Rich Departed: “If all the mur which are suggested at a zame were actually put n, I would be a richer ders base ball into execut man tod: And the great truth of this crack came home to me last wk. when 1 had a experience which commenced with me asking George, that's my husband, would he go to a classical concert with me at Hirea Hall, and he tried as per usual to alibi out of it without confessing he had no art in_his makeup. Well, darling, he says, T would cer tainly love to go, but I'm afraid I can't make it today, much as I would like to. And I says, Oh George dear, please try, its gonner be a wonderful concert, the great Russlan singer from Brooklyn, is giving the Potata Con in B Minus. And George says that's too bad, he may be giving it but 1'm afraid T ain't gonner be able to take it, I really ought to go to the director's meeting, of the All American Buttonhole (‘o. 1'd better be there, vou know that’s a bunch of important’ men—\r. Goofnah, Fred nd Joe Bush of the ub. And 1 says well it's a_shame you haf to And George says say the- half of it. espe- Base Ball season Hawthorne ( dear, do try, work so hard You don't know clally since the started. Do vou know, mays George, that since the big leagues broke their long winter silences and burst into saps with epring, 1 simply can’t get my office force to do a thing? Can yer- imagine, he says, the lies them people make up to get out of the office and Up to the ball field? You can't Jen- nie, it's something fierce, 5o unbusi- and irresponsible. t see how they get the nerve to do it. he says, why they are all the | tinie lying about dead aunts, and hav- ing the pip and whatnot. Only the other day the office boy pulied a new one, he med he had swallered & | new hall up to leld last Satur-| day and he had promised faithtully o bring ack on Monday, and the ¢ he could think of to keep| word, was to attend the game in| on! Then there is Ma mer. Mae claimed bad ek of was obliged open air. So a home run one thirty the assistant Lis wife hadder imption and he to_keep her out in the ke has been making every afternoon about keepinz her out in the air, but it is at the ball field, and it seems that all the consumption she has is a large consumption of base ball tickets and peanuts, * 2wl AL\”I‘ that v people awful, dear, I says, the ill pretend they are gonner do one thing, and then go do another? And Geo. says it sure is, T don't how they expect to get away with it, can vermagine? And, he says, ft's even got the bookkeeper, he can't add straight no more, even the few times when he can't think up | some bum excuse to get out of the| office. Why, the other day I give a look at his books, and he had the fim's net incoma down s batting average, the daily balance under “in nings” and the monthly bills under “standing of the clubs.” Can you beat it? T tell you what, Jennie, says Geo., the trouble with all our office staff is they ain't the type can keep their minds on their job, and the result is they will never get along until the boss tells them to get along to some other concern. That is the only way they will ever get any- wheres in this world; they will get from one job to another. And I says aln't it terrible” And Geo. says vou bet your life it is, just think of allow- ing & little thing like base ball to get the better of you and keep you from working and ruining your career, why its worse then drink, can yermagin “WE GRABBED OFF A TAXI AND TOLD THE DRIVER TO BEAT IT TO HIREA HALL.” very noble, to do his little best to save the Buttonhole business, while all the rest neglected it, and prom- ising to try and meet me at.the city depot at one fifteen if by any lucky chance he didn't haf to go to that director’s meeting, and could make the concert instead Well naturally as I got my house work out the way, I also got to thinking over how noble it was of Geo. to take all that responsibility, and I at the same time feit a lot of admiration over the good. plain, sen- sible way he had expressed hisself on the subject of work in general, and thought Hot Bozo! There ain't many wives got husbands that will stick to thelr job the same as Geo. and tear themselves away from the office if pos sible to attend a classic concer And in this case I sure did hope that Geo. would be able to make it on account the concert was sched- uled to be a especially good one. To commence with, I hadn't paid for the two tickets, and so it would of been a terrible lack of economy not to use them, when all the expense I would be at was buying a new dress to wear to it, on account I hadn’t a thing fit to put on, and of course also some clean gloves and a cheap little hat to go with the dress 1 hadn't intended buying them thin for another month, but any lady wil understand how it was; just as sure as she ain't got a thing to wear. invitation to go some dress; Pl D will come up and you think well, I may as well buy gometh decent while 1 am at it, gotiness knows who I will meet there. It is bad for my husband’s business for me not to be well dressed, and other well known conventional lady-like exct W “rl-:lm any ways, 1 had bought them things in order to go to this con cert as soon as I got them tickets, which Mabel Bush had simply begged me to take them on account she was gonner he able to use them he because her Junior had a light of disobedience, and she didn't know what it might develop into. Beside, Joe wouldn't go with her on account of that director’s meetin; So she generously give me the two seats, pointing modestly out where they was marked $5.50 per ea. Not that Mabel Bush had paid out any 11 fron-men for them two tickets. In es. And then Geo. beat it off to town, that case she would of attended the concert her own self in preference to her mother’s funeral. No, Mrs. Goof nah had sent them over free to Mabel with her compliments, sayving where she wouldn’t have any use for them because Mr. Goofnah hadder attend a director’s meeting and it seemed a shame to waste such expensive tick- ets as she couldn’t go without hini, nd that she also hated to offend M ‘reddie Freenash, who had sent them to her, by not having them used. Not that any one of us ladies one minute believed that Mrs. F' die had paid for them, on account her hushand has stock in Hirea Hall, where the concert was to be, and she is obliged to give away a bunch of seats every performance so's the place won't look too empt nd this was especially so with classic concerts. And this one wis going to be classic, ight, there was no doubt of that, 1 could tell from the ,program which was enclosed with the tickets as fair warning. The star was, un less forcibly prevented, gonner “Du bist wie eine Saurkraut” by Wienerschnitzel. Then he would chant “Still wie das Hooch,” by Moon shine, and “Das Wienerwurst,” by Heck !""In the French group were “Pas de { Tout,” by Neve in, nerbert,” by the Count De fa petit eur,” by Request. me the | Potata/Cantata and a group of English ngs. “My Love Is u Bonehead.” b; { Seldom Goode, “Every Morn 1 Bring Thee U 1id_Bills,” by the Postman of the Vulgar Boatman,” rs. The whole thing atessen, and 1 was pre- st, especially in the for s, teli he wo serman Section. * ‘ JELL, when the time come, T put on My new outfit, and went on into town but, as 1 might of expected, there was no George, either on the depot platfo or on time. So I thought to myself, well, the poor boy is probably hard at work and hasn’t been able to get away vet, the office is only a step, so T believe I will step over there and surprise him. And I |done so. but as per usual it was me got the_surprise. The office was except for, the d very > absolutely empty blind stenographer which George had hired on account he felt she really couldn't make any more mistakes than the usual run. 1 says to her, where is the Oh! him! says she, he's a funeral up to the ball grounds. And the bookkeeper, 1 says. Oh, the bookkeeper! says she, he's gone to a wedding up to the ball fleld. And I says, 1 suppose the office man- ager has gone to a_important cllent's office up at the ball field? And she says Oh mno, the office manager has just plain gone to the game! And I says humph, T says, very sareastic, see, humph, I suppose you attend to the customers. then? And she says oh, don’t worry about the customers, they are all up at the ball field! Well, naturally, I felt where this was simply outrageous, and I didn’t hesi to say so. It's a scandal, I savs, here my poor husband is left to do all the hard work while them worthless bums is off amusing their- selves, loafing! By the way, I savs just where is my husband? 'And she Mr. Jules? Why Mr. Jules is at'n important directors’ meeting, up at_the ball field. Well, that was enough for me. 1 give one look at her and one look at my wrist watch, and one look at the office clock to verify it, and 1 seen that if I was to act quick there would still be time to make the ball fleld, make George, make him come with me, and make him attend the concert So 1 hopped on a trolley, and beat it up to the ball fleld and bought me a ticket and went on in, and sure enough, there was the directors’ meet ing going strong, with Mr. Goodnah, Freddie Freenash, that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club, and-my husband all present. And as I swooped down on them they was in the very midst of declaring a dividend on a bag of peanuts. Well, T dragged George away on the argument that if he had time to waste on a ball game he had time to waste on_a classic concert. We grabbed off a taxi, told the driver to beat it to Hirea Hall and on the way down maybe I didn't tell Geo. a few remarks! Hot Bozo! I sure give him one red hot baseballing-out! But we didn’t hear the classic con cert after all. On account when we got to the Hall, the doors was closed, and there was a notice to the public on them, and this is what it says. Well! office boy gone to ite MAY 16, 1926—PART Politics, Business and Sports Have Their Own Little Peculiarities When They Are in the Opposing Party BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. HIS being a year when Con- gressmen and legislators and many other office holders and seekers come up for election, a few thoughts on politics are not out of place. I am not rushing the season a bit more than the Congress- men and legislators themselves, who began to think about the elections long before I did. 1 have no doubt that politics in the highest sense means patriotismn; that our deepest gratitude is due to the men who spend their lives in the ser vice of the country; and that when they die we are quité right in putting up monuments to them. For the candidate for office, in es. pecial, moreover, 1 have nothing but sympathy and sorrow. It has been my fortune as a humble outsider, con tributing friendly support, to walk round on the heels of half a dozen of them in varlous little country towns, watching the candidate try in vain to brighten up his face at the glad sight of a party voter. One, in_particu I remember. Nature had meant him to be a sour man, ard man, a man with but little joy in the company of his fel- lows. Fate had maile him a candidate for the Legislature. So he wus do ing his best to belie his nature. “Hullo, William!” he would call out as a man passed driving a horse and buggy, “got the little sorrel out for a spin, eh?” Then he would turn to me and say in a low rasping voice— “There goes about skunk in this whole coun A few minutes later he would wave his hand over a little hedge in friendly salutation to a man working in a garden. “Hullo, Jasper! That's a fine lot of corn you've got there ' Jasper replied in a growl. And when wa were well past the house the candidate would say between his teeth *That’s about the meanest whelp in the district.” Our conversation all down the street | of that pattern jood morning. Edward. Giving | potatoes a dose of Paris green, | the biggest And in an undertone 1 wish to Heaven he'd take a dose | of it himself.” | And so on from house to house. 1 counted up from one end of the | street to the other, that there ware living in it seven skunks, fourteen low | whelps, efght mean hounds and two dirty skinflints. And all of these | merely voters on our side of politics It made me wish to be on the other slde. Espectally as the voters on that side, by the law of the perver-| sity of human affairs, always seemed to be the finer lot | As they were not voting for our | candidate, they were able to meet him in a fatr and friendly wav, whereas William and Jasper and Edward and our “bunch” were always surly and hardly deigned to give more than growl in answer to the candidat greeting, without even looking up at him. But a voter on the other side would stop him in the street and shake hands and say in a frank cordial way . T'm sorry indeed that 1 can't vote for you, and I'd like to be { him how he liked it. “I COUNTED UP THAT THERE WERE LIVING IN THAT STREET SEVEN SKUNKS, FOURTEEN LOW AND TWO DIRTY SKINFL! TS” WHELPS, EIGHT MEAN HOUNDS able to wish vou fuccess, but, of course, you know I'm on the other side and always have been and can't change now.” Whereupon say That's all right, John, T don't ex. pect vou to. T can respect man's convictions all right, T gues So they would part excellent friends, the candidate saying as he moved off “That man, John Winter, is one of the straightest men in the whole country.” Then he would add “N , we'll just g for a minute. There's here that's one of our My opinion of our w 1 ev the candidate would house up n upporter®.” own supporters lowe and my opinion of our opponents higher, till it <o hap- pened that I went one day to an old friend of mine who wa 1 the side opposite from us | into b v “Oh, well enough,” he said, “as a | sort of game. But In this district | you've got all the decent voters. Our | Voters are the lowest bunch of skunks I ever struck.” ust then s 1 looked sor Hullo, Joh nufactured hiliarity mare out for a turn, ¢h J n grunted. - s one of them,” said my | lowest pup in this county, | ed that whichever | the other man passed in a buggy t my friend. | called, with a ittle | frie the John Wir After that I reall side we are on in pol side always looks bette | “Come along,” said the candidate | to me one morning. I want you to meet my committee.” “You'll find them.” he said confid in as we started down the street toward the committee rooms “Too bad.” I said. with them?" “Oh, I don't know—they're just a pack of simps. They don't seem to have any punch in them. The one you'll meet firat in the chairmau. He's about the worst dub of the lot. I never saw a man with so little force in my life. He's got no magnetism that's what's wrong with him—n magnetism.” | A few minutes later the candidate | was introducing me to a ropm ful heavy-looking committeemen. Com mittee men in politics, I noticed, ha always a hea wovine look. They | are g z d “What's wrong | from smoking free ¢ I want to introd: is our ho may have been their It is merely what the names like when one was looking faces. andidate introduced them all ttle horses, battle axes, battle standard bearers, flag-holders, | and so forth. If he had introduced them as hatracks or cigar R would have been nearer the mark. Presently the candidate went out d 1 was left with the battle axes. “What do you think of our es?” 1 asked. battle axes shook their loc hose not names sounded into th he a ch; The with dubious “Pretty raw deal.”” said the chalr man, “the primaries wishing him ¢ us.” He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder to indicate the departed candidate, “What's asked heads wrong with him 1 fal bunch of mutts.” “No punch.” he sald. netiem. |in ‘They Seem to Have All the Good Points one at all,” agreed all the battle tell you,” eald the camp secretary, Mr. Bughouss man, with wandering eye ble is he has no magn sonal magnetism.” “I see,” I eald “Now, you take this man, Short! that the ‘other party’s got hold of continued Mr. Bughouse, “he’s full of magnetisin. e i the other committeemen nodded hat's so,” they Our 1 the well the o room in t very does that to his and he it Ther breakins darn | vot pes “Wea | ehairm le the hard box 1 hay ht the | that wanted carry the expl T say, to ently not to ar For it appe ver 4 vhe red 3 1 . He hort acked pune wondered how run But my owr BY RING LARDNER. O THE ITOR: Those who do not read the sport pages in toto or exchange mash notes “Concert postponed, as talent has gone to the Ball Game.” (Copsright. 1926.) If Brains Come From Serving of Fish, Value of a Whale Must Be Very Great BY ED. WYNN. EAR Mr. Wynn: What meant when they say a man has “horse sense?’ Truly yours, JOCK KE Answer- is the thing which keep: om mortgaging his home to buy an automobile. Dear Mr. Wynn: I have never trav eled on a train. I hear a lot_about Pullman por What are they? Yours truly, Y TSEER. Answer—A Pullman porter is a col- ored fellow who won't let you step off the train, but insists on brushing you off. Dear Mr. Wynn: My mother and father had an argument. Ma said that pa doesn't act the same as he used 1o before they were married, especially if they were on a train and passed through a tunnel. Why should men act differently in a tun- nel after marriage? Sincerely, L' M. A. MAY DIN. Answer—Before marriage a fellow slways kisses his girl in a tunnel. After marriage, when he gets in & tunnel he takes a drink. Wynn: My neighbor told me he got from London, England, brother, and it only cos you believe that? Yours truly. Dear Mr. next from Answer—Sure I believe it. It was & post card. Dear Mr. Wynn: I arrived in a small town, one day last week, and I had a heavy grip. I saw a tramp at the station and thought I would have him carry my bag for me. I asked him If he wanted to make a quarter. He sald “no” and walked away from me. How do vou account for that? Yours truly, SAYLES MAN. Answer: He probabty had a quarter. Dear Mr. Wynn: I hear that De ‘Wolf Hopper is going to be married “Little Chureh Around the " in New York. Is that true? Sincerely, 1. MOBSERVING. door | a wireless | his| acrobat. She's talking through her hat ain’'t she? Yours truly ANNA MILLS., Answer: My dear child, she is most likely referring to the second chapter in the story of Robinson Crusoe where it says: “When Robinson finished his day’'s work he sat down on his chest.” Dear Mr. Wynn: I heard a woman -Answer: That's where he generally does get married. Dear Mr. Wynn: I heerd folks say as how fish gives yuh braines. If what they say is true, what kind of them there fish shall I eat? Yours trulley, ALF. ALFA. Answer: Judging by your letter, I suggest a whale. Mr, Wynni I em a girl 7 years of age and go to school. Our teacher says that ingon Crygoe was an “I SUGGEST A WHALE.” tell another that her husband re- minded her of a furnace. What do you think she meant by that? Truly yours, ROSE Z. POSEY. Answer: She simply means that he smokes all day and goes out at night. Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 heard two actors talking the other day and one of them ! said he was looking for a man to take sezmezs Wi, Wi T LI 7 dr 2222 e down some foot notes. I am a musi- cian, but have never heard of foot notes before. Were they kidding? If not, what instrument were they talk- ing about? Sincerely, SIM PHONEY. Answer: Foot notes, my dear sir, come from a shoe horn. Dear Mr. Wynn: Today 1 saw a policeman walk up to a dog, shoot and kill him. Do you think the dog was mad? Yours truly, P. DESTRIAN. Answer: I don't think the dog was pleased. Dear Mr. Wynn: I heard two men discussing animals. One said that while in India he saw a_“man-eating tiger.” The other said that once while in Boston he saw a ‘‘man eating rabbit.” Do you believe that? Yours truly, IKE KANTSEEIT. Answer next week. > THE PERFECT FOOL. Ed. n, as he has often told you, is one o ‘wisest men in the world. 'He sees all—he knows all. Do you think you can stump him with any kind of a ques: tion? If you do, send it to him in care of the editor of this paper and waten for his % (Copyright, 1926.) i b By an edict of Queen Mary of En- gland all women presented to the court must wear their skirts from four to five from the ground. The queen is to short skirts, with Jack Kearns may of never heard of & young man named Napoleon Dorval who, accord: ing to Dempsey's former mgr. and pal, can't hardly help from becoming heavyweight champion of the world. Some of we boys has been getting from 2 to 5 letters per wk. from Jack in regards to his new find and per- sonly I have been so impressed with the contents of these letters that it seems worst than selfish to not let the gen. public share a emall portion of same at least. Like for inst. in one letter Jack writes: “If Jack Dempsey, our fightless champlon, ever gets a look at Dorval he will doubtless leave the country post haste.” And in another: “While the heavyweight title holder is resting comfortably in an armchair and making plans to fool the public another season, Dorval goes ahead meeting all comers and knocking them for a goal.” And in still another: “Dorval has been fairly annihilating his opponents in his daily gymnasium workouts. As one of his sparring partners was overheard saying, ‘The man can hit— Sweet potat how that tremendous lad can hif As I may of all ready informed my readers I recently had part of a meal with Mr. Kearns in a hotel in Los Angeles 2nd it was on this_occasion that I first heard of the prodigy. “I have got the next heavywelght champ,” said Jack. “What is his name?" I inquired. “I think I will call him Napoleon Dorval,” sald Jack. “How do you spell Dorval?” T asked him. “Sult yourself,” sald Jack. *“That it don't make no difference to me. Subsequent conversation and the letters from which I have quoted roused my interest to such an extent that I made a private investigation of Dorval's past and present and found out some facts that may startle my clientele as well as surprise Mr. Kearns himself. Dorval it seems is a native of Ger- many who was born in Canada and first seen the light of day in Pennsyl- vania. When he was 6 days old he was weaned and immediately asked for a weanfe. “Hot dog!” exclaimed his daddy. But when the mother brought him a 1bottle instead and he found out they wasn't nothing in it but milk, he bust- ed both she and the bottle. “Sweet potatoes, how that tremen- dous lad can sock!” was her comment. His father wanted him named Bu- | ford so he could call him Junior, but mammy insisted on Napoleon as she was a great admire of John McGraw. ‘When Napoleon was 1 yr. of age his mother was wheeling him across a | prairie in 2 go-carts one P.M. and got stopped by a traffic policeman for not walting for the noon whistle. The mother, a Mrs. Dorval kept her tem- per, but Napoleon gave the officer a terrible bawling out and probably would of knocked him dead if they had of been any money in sight. The people of Gamin, Ohio, where the Doryals lived for a time, were great people for police dogs and finally asked the Dorvals to leave town as | Napoleon was fighting with all their doge and chewing them up. This was trom night school to the theater where John was showing and dashed up on the stage and as John was being car- ried out in the middle of the first round he was overheard saying, “Sweet potatoes, how that tremendous lad can wallop In that yr. Napoleon, besides stop- ping John L. knocked out Jack (Twin) Sullivan, Mike (Twin) Sullivan and Frank Sullivan. It was a yr. in which he refused to fight anything but Sul- livans. Later on he broadened out and stopped the Smith Brothers and a big mastiff. However it was not until Mr. Kearns took charge of him that he really looked like a fighter. It will be recalled that when Mr. Dempsey began fighting his left hand wasn't hardly any use to him, so Mr. Kearns made him box for a time with his right hand tled behind his back till he got_accustomed to employing his left. In Dorval's case, Mr. Kearns ! has tied both his hands behind his back and made him eat that way and it has aroused the animal Instinct in him to such an extent that he roars like a lion while going after his fre- quent meals of soup, raw bear and sweet potatoes. Personly, Napoleon is a great home boy and says he owes everything to the landlady where he boards. I asked him if he was afraid of Wills. 1 “I am,” he replied, “till after they are probated.” Young Dorval is in training all th time. ¥From 6 to 7 in the A.M. he does road work for a paving concern. when Napoleon was six and it was along about this time that John L. Sullivan was touring the country meeting all comers and offering a $1000.00 to anybody who could stay ¢ rounds with him. Napoleon ran away, From 7 to 12 he eats his breakfast, 3 to 4 he practices expression and from 4 to 5, cheek breathing. A good many boxers pick out the wrong fea- tures to breathe through, features that may get stopped up. ‘The trouble with Willard at Toledo was that he had learned to breathe through his eyes and when they got closed on him he was sunk. From 5 to 6 Napoleon lies down on canvas while a referee counts up to a 100 and a big crowd yells constantly. This is to prepare him to not be disturbed under no conditions. His supper, con- “NAPOLEON GAVE THE OFFICER A TERRIBLE BAWLING OUT AND usually a wolf or a bear and the in- evitable sweet potatoes. From 12 to 1 he sentence. From 1 to 8 PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KNOCKED HIM DEAD IF THEY HAD OF BEEN ANY MONEY IN, SIGHT.” Strange Findings Come From Inquiry As to Latest Heavyweight Prodigy “FROM 5 TO 6 NAPOLEON LIES DOWN ON CANVAS WHILE A REFEREE COUNTS UP TO A 100 AND A BIG CROWD YELLS CONSTANTLY.” sisting of 2 live oxen, occupies him from 6 to 8. Then he goes to bed and immediately to sleep and sweet pota- toes, how that tremendous lad can snore! ew Anesthetic. HE invention of efficient and harm- less marcotics for anesthesia and pain alleviation is one of the most im- portant tasks of modern science. Re. cently Dr. Maurice Sandoz of the Uni« versity of Lausanne, Switzerland, suc- ceeded in producing a substance called “tricaine,” which, it is claimed, is remarkable for its rapid marcotic effects. On cold-blooded _creatures, such as fishes, frogs or salamanders, two to six minutes in a one-tenth per cent solution of tricaine induces total insensibility. A solution of tricaine diluted beyond 10 per cent will reduce the rate of cell division in animal organism, par- ticularly the development of the em bryo from the egg. By use of a very weak solution it i« possible to keep frog eggs for several weeks without hatching. Untreated eggs left in pure water for the same period would turn into adult frogs. These experiments, says Popular Science Monthly, have suggested a possible use of tricaine in arresting the ravages of old age. City Death Rates. INNEAPOLIS had the hi death rate for diphtheria in 18 25 per 100,000 of population. cinnati had the lowest rate, 3.4. New York is one of the eight cities that have shown a continual decline in diphtheria death rate for the past 35. years,