Evening Star Newspaper, March 28, 1926, Page 83

_ THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, MARCH 28, 1926—PART 5. 5 o-Getter Philosophy, Hunting Sympathy and Other Phenomena “Nobody Has Any Troubles Like Mine,” She Said; Then Came a Change of Scene BY NA WILCOX PUTNAM. 8 Cleopatra, the original B lesque Queen, e sald in her “Advice To Young Moth ers” column, which she u to chip out for the Daily Tab. “Pack up a torio ‘em by parcel some dear friend.” And how true that saving is, come home to roost with me the other day. just like a bad penny or a game chicken belonging to the younger set comes home to roost with its mother when the all-nlght clubs close up In other words, the truth of Cleo the clgarette girl's remark rang the bell with me after a experience I with Mabel Bush, the one who married to that Joe Bush of Hawthorne Club. It all commenced with canned mince pie the nig and it being, as the poet stuft as dreams are made of, the net result I woke up next morn- ing realizing thoroughly where I was a completely misundorstood woman with more trials then a Circuit Judge, and more troubles then a Mormon husband with a 8 vd. Christmas shopping list. To commence with, 1 didn’t wanner get up. Somehow I am peculiar that way. I don't like to get out of bed cold mornings. I suppose it's my artistic temper, or my high strung nervous disposition. Well anyways, I got up feeling I must of eaten the can as well as the mince meat, and that my one re- gret was that I had lived through it Honest and truly, it seemed like life was just too much for me; I had more then any one woman could bear. To begin with, here I hadder get up in the morning. There wasn't no justice in that, and then, when had finally done so and moped dow stairs, my face feeling exactly a 1f it was done up in curl-papers. the matches went on strike and the kitchen stove wouldn't work. Also the milk man didn't show, and T hadder get breakfast out of fce-box for George, that's my ‘hus-| band, and for Junior. Heavens knows I didn't deliberately send them out to school and work on cold tur- nips and Roquefort cheese, and they needn’t of acted like they did about it, on account there was many a starving family in Siberia that would just go nuts over such a meal at that minute. And Geo. merely says well, he could belleve it, he was crazy about the meal himself, that was just the point. And Junior kept saying, aw Ma, why can't T have some hot cereal? over and over, when any other day, why just try and choke a dish of hot cereal down that child's throat, just try and do it, that's al * ok * . to make matters more so, the postman come, and what would | he have only a letter from George's mother, and George commenced to read it out loud. “Dear Son,” she says, and he read, “Dear Son, Well, T feel it s about time I paid a little visit to Stop! I says, George Jules, don’t you read me another word! I got all I can endure this morning without your adding any such bad news. If vou gotter read the summons, do 8o on the train. Hot Bozo! 1 can't endure to hear it first hand! So Geo. muttered something to the effect all women was unreasonable, they oughter be shot mercifully or something, and went off with the let- ter and a grouch. Then Junior pulled another letter on me. This one was from his teacher. He had forgot to glve it to me three days before, and it was to the effect he was behind with his work and he certainly should of told me before, so's I could of known | ha was behind. Tt seemed to me like Fate or Jugger- naut or some of them mythical fellers was deliberately playing me a dirty trick, putting me at a disadvantage with Junior's teacher through not glving me fair warning to coach Junior up. Junfor is a smart child He's real bright, only his teachers don't understand him. "And this morn- ing I felt was no time to show me any such notice about him, not with all the worries I already had on my post 1o is me eating t before, h | | | Prehis- | vour | troubles in your old kit bag and send | had | the | | had already done, w: “IT'S A TOTAL WRECK, BUT, MY DEAR, WEREN'T WE LUCKY, THOUGH! - morning, see, and I was due to wash, I don’t mean myself, I mean our clothes, on account the laundress hadn’'t showed. But when I put the boller on the stove, it commenced fry ing at the hottom and spitting at .ue, and 1 positively never fry my clothes, 1 don't believe in So it just seemed as if the boiler leaking and prevent- ing me doing anything with the dirty clothes outside of playing ennie- meenfe-minie-mo with them, which I just too much sorrow and that certainly nobody ever had trouble like mine. But bad as I felt readful things, I erable enough over all them wasn't as yet to be thoroughly enjoying myself, so I commenced rak- ing up old troubles such as that time when George forgot our wedding an- niversary and the time the telegram come and I was afraid to open it for two hours thinking mother was prob- ably dead, and then it was merely from the bank saylng your deposit received. And since that wasn't enough to get me down and out, I laid off rak- ing up troubles and trled fine-tooth combing for them, recalling the tooth aches I used to have before I had my teeth fixed, and the bills I used to get after T had 'em attended'to. And so with one thing and another I was about ready to cry and would of done so if there had been anybody around to give me one word of encourage. ment. ok ok K T Hot Bozo! with Junior gone to school there wasn't nothing to comfort me except the used break- fast dishes. And so I decided that since they had apparently got dirty to spite me, I would leave them lay a while and run over to see Mabel Bush, the one's that married to that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club. She was my best friend and it seemed only right she should share my troubles. There ain’t many women I would give the satisfaction of knowing how thoroughly miserable I was, and, of course, if she was to of told me I led 2 wretched life and hadn’t no luck and etc., why I wouldn't never speak to her again, that being the kind of | thing which is all right if you pull it, but if anybody else does, it's a insult. However, I wanted her to agree with me that T had the worst time of any lady she knew and that I was a won- der to bear it all the way I did. So with this intent in mind, and cooking up a little abuse on the part of Geo. and that awful mother of his and how she was coming to pay a little visit, but what she was really shoulders. Well, anyways, this was Monday | up to was to come and snoop around and criticize the way I dragged up my child, and belleve you me, I saw no reason why I should furnish that woman with all that amusement free gratis for nothing and feed her, be. sides! Well, I put on my hat and a sad ex- pression, and went on over to the Bushes’ house, and_there what would I find only Mabel Bush laid up with her leg in a sling. Why dear! she says, real sunny and cheerful, before I got a chance to open my mouth. Do come in, dear, she says, I'm de- lighted to have company. most lucky woman in the world; here I go break my leg, and first thing I know, in you come for a visit. Yes, of course, it pains a little, but what of that. My but I was lucky to get off with a broken leg, it might of been my neck, or my jaw, even, and only think, then I wouidn't be able to talk. It was sure fortunate my tongue didn’t get sprained. Yes, we went right through the windshield and the in smithereens. It's a_total wreck, but my dear, weren't we lucky, though? The car wasn't pald for and the company had just foreclosed on it. Joe was driving it downtown to give it up, and my dear! Only think, suppose we had paid up on it and the loss was ours. I do think we are the luckiest people in the world! * ok ok K UST here Mabel paused long enough to give the sunniest smile, but not long enough to allow me to get a word In edgewise. And whatter you think? she went on brightly, this accident come at the best time pos- sible, on account Joe lost his job, and he hasn't the faintest idea where to look for another one, so he can be around the house all the time and look after me. T'll say this is fortunate, on account T could hardly get about to take care »f our Junior, which he is down with the measles, poor child. I do think It's wonderful that he caught them at this particular time, because he's been so well all along I'm sure he'll get through them splendid, and then he'll be over and done with and off my mind and I won’t have them to took forward to. Did you know we lost our dog? she says, well, we did, and isn’t it lucky it happened right now, he would of been barking all the time, I couldn't of stood it, besides he wasn't our dog, we was merely taking care of him for a frlend. He was a big eater, too, and a awful responsibiiity. He was a Spanish Roach-hound—they are awful rare and very expensive and influence my husband against me and now, with everything turning out I am the | :but anyways, wasn't we in luck that |in the first place, you needn't of wor- 80 nicely, why we haven't that terri- ble responsibility of looking after him any more. And I says, well, you seem to have lots of good news, dear. And Mabel says, oh my, yes, but you haven’t heard the half of it. Did you know our garage burned down last night? Well, it did, but weren't we lucky, the house wasn't even touched, and seeing the car was gone why we didn't lose a thing, only a few trunks and some furniture Mrs. Goofnah had stored there, and only think, dear, we was planning to fix up some hot frames to raise mort- gages in, or raise mortgages to put some hot frames in, I forget which, we hadn't done it yet? And the garage made the lovellest bonfire you ever saw, just at the right time, too, on account the electric lights went out last night just at the same mo- ment the fire started and I don’t know how we could of seen to get supper without it! WELL, by the time Mabel run out of breath there wasn't any time left for me to tell her my troubles. 1 hadder get back home to fix Junior's dinner. _Anyways, I sort of felt where after all perhaps Mabel wouldn’t understand my troubles or appreclate me telling them to her. In fact I wasn't exactly sure I understood or appreciated them my own personal self. So I merely says, good bye, dear. you certainly seem to have unusual luck, to say the least of it. I think you are a wonderful brave soul, honest, T don't see how you bear it the way vou do! And then I went on back home, feeling kinda ashamed of myself, and also thinking where I was pretty lucky my own self, not to of told my amateur troubles before I knew about her professional ones. And no sooner was I in the house then who would call up on the phone only George, and he had finished reading his mother's letter. Say, darling, says Geo. over the wire, if you are worried over mother coming to visit you needn't any more. She says in her letter she thinks it is time she was paying a little visit to the dentist, and if you had let me read you the whole entire sentence %% x % ried all day over nothing. And I says who's talking about worrles, T ain’t got one In the world, what I said this morning still goes— nobody's got troubles like I have for the simple reason I haven't got any. And then I hung up, thinking how true the old saying s, “It's alw: darkest before something dawns on you z (Copyright. 1926.) Mardi Gras Festivities Are Explained, After Ring Has Enjoyed Big Celebration BY RING LARDNER. | O the Editor: It is over a month ago that I seen the Mardi Gras in New Orleans, which has modestly nicknamed itself Americ most interesting city, but anybody who has went through the throws of that carnival and its sideshows will back me up in saying that it takes at least a to get well enough to write a in regards to same. T always thought this here carnival was a thing where the riff and raff got out in the middle of the st. and smeared each other with confetti and tickled vour neck with a feather on the end of a stick and blowed horns | in your ear drums and that is the kind of a frolic I had been looking forwards to with more or less glee, so imagine the shock to my tender wensibles when it turned out that the “THE QUEEN WAS BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT WAS HARD TO TELL WHICH WAS THE MOST FASCI- NATING.” program consisted of parades by day, which you could stand and watch a bunch of floats pass by and try and guess what they meant, and a s of royal dances at night which it| lot of heavy wire pulling to get | a invitation to same and when you did get a invitation to same you could do_everything but dance The floats is wagons made of papier mache or something and not very stable, and one or more occupants of | cach float fails over every yr. and “I BET ON HIS MOUNT AND HE NEVER RODE" goes to the hospital. Visitors from the north unanimously falls off a still more unstable float called the water wagon and goes mad. Then they go to one of the famous restaurants and cat oysters a la Rockefeller, a dish which is as rich as their namesakes, but if he had ever eat much of it he wouldn’t be still galloping around a i hole golf course. Our party got in on one of the dances, but it was the final ball where the King of Rex comes over with his queen and meets the King and Queen of Comus. I might exclaim that the different dances is given by different organizations like Rex, Comus, Momus and Proteus or something. The big ball comes on Mardi Gras night and the two organizations participating in it are so named because by that time everybody is. either wrecks or in a state of Comus. Four out of five of us catched the flu setting out dances and as we'started for San Diego the next day I might say that we flu from New Orleans to California. By the time the Rex king and queen showed up I couldn’t see very good, CAN'T SAY NO MORE THAT HE A CRAWFISH.” fascinating, she or the king. After -the ball the organization meets and elects their kings and queens for next year and the persons honored is kept a secret from every- body but New Orleans people and out- siders. We was warmly recd. in America's most interesting city both by the weather and people, chief amongst our hosts being Mr. and Mrs. Keen who Invited us to dinner en famille. You never seen such a famille, I alone counting 162 guests in 1 rm. and the entire party making one of Conde Nast's soirees look like a mixed three- some. Mr. Keen showed us the cotton exchange one morning, but it was a dull day because all the exchanges up north was alosed. That afternoon we was taken into the Fairgrounds race track free, but didn't get out the sume way. The Fairgrounds at New Orleans is one of the prettiest race tracks in the coun- try and the afternoon would of been all together successful if the horses hadn’t of behaved so funny. After one of the races we was escorted down to but the Queen of Comus was a beauti- ful girl named Miss Williams and it was hard to tell whl@ was the most the room where the jockeys are ana introduced to a bunch of them. There was one named Johnson about as big as a good size ralsin and they told us that on the day before he had been riding down the stretch a nose in the lead when his mount’s saddle come un- buttoned' and in order to make his victory legal he had to hold the blanket with the weight bag between his knees till he crossed the finish line and as soon as he done that he raised up and everything fell off the horse but the mane. Little Johnson wouldn't talk about this achievement, but was very proud of a crawfish he had catched wlle out fishing that morning. A crawfish looked to him Iike a porpoise would to anybody else. I asked him in a Joking way if he had ever rode a crawfish. He said no. Well, we went out for the next race and I said a jockey that was game enough to do what he had done the previous day was worth a bet, so I bet on his mount and he can’t say no more that he never rode a crawfish. Another celebrity encountered at the track was Jakey Atz, who was 2d baseman for the White Sox the first 2 yrs. I run around with them. Of late yrs. Jake has been managing Ft. ‘Worth, Tex., and when he don't win a pennant down there and then the little world serious with the champs of the Southern league he spends the Winter in widow’s weeds. Without naming no names I could name a good many spots where Jake would fit in pretty good as mgr. in what is laugh- ingly known as the big leagues. The next to the last night in New Orleans I set up till a early hr. dis- gusting literature with none other than Sherwood Anderson, born in Clyde, Ohio, and we reached the defi- nite conclusion that they’s only 2 peo- ple in the world that can write a short story. All and all T found that New Orleans pretty near lived up to its nickname, but T would not christen it no health resort during Mardi Gras time. —_— Revolving Gas Tank. MPOSED of two cylinders, one revolving inside of the other, a special gasoline tank for airplanes, tested at McCook Field, did not leak after being struck by machine-gun bulléts. It is said to be 40 per cent ' lighter than other protected tanks otl its kind, and is designed to be equip- ped with an automatic release so that it may be dropped from the plane in case o. a crash, thus eliminating the danger of disastrous fires and explo- sions. ‘ Our Social Workers’ Guild Just Needed To Be Taken in Hand by Real Experts BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. E recently started in our town-—as I suppose most people have started in | most towns—an organiza- tion called the Soclal Workers’ Guild. Our idea was that we would try to do good in the com- munity around us. We would send children from the slums down to the sea and bring children up from the sea to go to college. Wherever we should find a poor widow living in a basement with a string of children we would turn up with a great basketful of toys. If a plumber were out-of work and nearly in despair, one of our agents would drop a broken furnace into his lap. Anybody who has ever felt the fas- cination of that kind of thing knows just what I mean. And the best of it all was that all the cost of doing good was to be met by the proceeds of entertainments organized by the guild, so that really | we were to give our money without knowing it and have all’ the fun | thrown in | T don't want to sav a single word | against the general idea of such so- | clal guilds as ours. But, as I have | been led to terminate absolutely and forever my own membership in the guild, T will explain the reason for my doing 8o by publishing my corre- spondence with Mr. J. Brazil Nut, the secretary of the league, or rather the series of letters sent by Mr. Brazil Nut to me: “THE FATHER Oi WILLI DRIVER, AND HITHERTO H CAMEL.” thi Aot L H least 75 per cent, of the supper was eaten on the spot. Unfortunately the expenses of the affair proved heavier than was ex- LETTER NO. 1. Dear Sir: I beg to inform you that the com- mittee of the guild has discovered a very distressing case of & family who came "here from Cyprus two years ago and are anxlous to return home, but are unable to do so. At the pres- ent time they are living in a small apartment of which we need only say that not a single window faces the south and the door bell is apparently permanently out of order. The father of the family is a good workman and only too willing to work. His trade IS that of a camel driver, and hitherto he has been un- able to find a camel. But he says that if money could be found he would g0 back to Cyprus, where he knows of a camel. Our commlittee, considering the case a deserving one, has decided to hold a dance in the Social Guild Workers' Hall on Saturday evening next. It is proposed to engage Bim- basti's Orchestra, and, in view of the distressing nature of the case, to serve a light supper, for which tables may be reserved by telephone. The price of the tickets, of which I am venturing to send you two, will be $10 each, the ticket carrying with it the privilege of eating supper or | leaving it. Yours very faithfull J. BRAZIL > Secretary of the S. W. G. LETTER NO. Dear Sir: I have much pleasure in thanking you for your very generous subscrip- tion for two tickets for the dance and supper given last week by the guild in aid of distressed family from Cyprus and in informing you that the affair was organized and carried through with success and with great enjoyment by all con- cerned. Some 50 couples participated in the dancing, and the whole, or at pected. Taking into account the fee | for Bimbasti's Orchestra and the cost of bunting, flowers and supper, our committee {s faced with a deficit of about $500. Some of the ladies of the commit- tee have proposed that we give this entire deficit to the family from C: prus, or, perhaps, try to buy them a camel with it. But the general feeling is in favor of carrying the deficit forward and wiping it out by an informal vaude- ville entertainment to be held in the hall of the guild next Saturday eve- ning. In view of the high cost of the tal- ent to be engaged, we have decided) to place the tickets at $25, or five for $100. I am venturing to send you five, which you are at entire lib- erty to keep and send me the money, or, if you prefer to do so, you may veturn the tickets with the money Meantime I regret to say our field committee has reported one or two more very distressing cases. We have on our hands the case of a man, a master mechanic, by trade a maker | of blow torches, who appears hope-| lessly addicted to drink. i The man himself confesses that he is quite unable to get along without | alcohol. Our workers find it extreme- | ly difficult, under present conditions, | to get him any. But they think, and | the man himself agrees, that if they | could give this man a sea trip to South America he would need no| alcohol, at least until his return Our committee is anxious also to obtain funds to buy a wooden leg for a professional beggar who needs it in his business. It seems that he has| inadvertently lost the leg he had. A | week ago after his work he put his | leg into his valise and carried it| home as usual. But there in some| way it disappeared It is now proposed that all cases shall be collectively dispc of by our special vaudeville entertain- | ment, and 1 trust that you will un- | | these | ed NG TO WORK, BUT HIS TRADE rRUM CYPRUS IS ONLY TOO 5 THAT OF A CAMEL AS BEEN UNABLE TO FIND A dertake to use at least the inclosed five tickets Very faithfully, J. BRAZIL NUT, Secretary of the S. W. G. LETTER NO. 3. Dear Sir: In thanking you for your very gen- erous subscription for five tickets for the guild vaudeville entertainment of last Saturday, which you were not able to attend, I desire to inform you that the performance was an unquali- fied success. Although slightly de-| layed in starting and not beginning | until a quarter to 11, and briefly interrupted later on hy the going out | of the electric lights for half an hour, | the whole affair was most enjovable Unfortunately the paid members cost us heavily, and out of all proportion to our receipts. I regret io say that | we are face to face with a deficit of | some $2,000. In order to avold the heavy per- sonal assessment represented b sum, our committee now prop hold, three weeks from today door kermess, or bazaar, to last for | three days. It is suggested that we engage the Armorles Building and have the floor divided up into booths. The kermess will undertake the | sale of a great variety of goods, which | will be purchased in advance by funds | advanced by varfous members of the| gulld who have been elected patrons | and associate patrons. It is under- stood that an assoclate patron may advance $1,000, receiving it back out | of the profits, while a patron has the | privilege of advancing $2,000. I am | glad to inform You also that you have | been elected unanimously to be a pa- | | tron. Our need of the profits of this ker- mess is all the greater in so much as | the cases reported by our fleld work- ers increase in numbers and in grav- ity. We have before us the case of | a family from Honolulu, who have | recently arrived here and are sorry | that they came But we look forward confidently to the success of our forthcoming ker- | mess, | Very faithfully vour: J. BRA LETTER NO. 4 Dezr Sir: In writing to inform you of the disastrous failure of the kermess held by this guild, for which your name was put down as a patron, we feel it only proper to say that the failure was due to no lack of interest on the part of members. The financial fail- ure arose very largely from the fact that the articles disposed of were sold at a much lower price than what was paid for them. . But all agree that there need have been no loss if the premises had been bigger, the restaurant larger, the music louder and the crowds greater. I am now laying before our commit- tee a plan for holding a festival, which is to last one month. It will be held in one of the larger hotels, the entire building being taken over for our pur- pose, As before, we trons who are « or subscribe, or i over $50,000, whi to offer. All st back on the last day Yours very fajthfully, J. BRAZIL LETTER NO. (This time from the honorary president of the society—Mr. Tridont Solldhead, one of our leading business men.) Dear ¢ In re ~re nominating pa- ed to underwrite, rantee, any sum ey feel disposed s will be paid the festival. t NUT. sing to accept your very gen- tion from the Workers' Guild, I beg to inform you that we have dectded to suspend for the present the plan of & festival pro- posed by Mr. J. Brazil Nut. Instead of this we accepting the resigna- tlon of Mr. Nut from his position of secretary, and we are proposing to give him a gold watch with a chain and padlock ae a mark of our esteem. The presentation will be made at a dinner which will be given to Mr. Nut before he is taken away to where he is going 1 am sure that to subscribe to t and to the cost cents per member), Our new o into some of o and disposed of that the family f luding to Cyprus invited them to w The man from »u will be delighted e dinner cents) the watch (10 have looked fleld cases ittee Honolulu we are having taught play the Hawallan ukulele, and we have got for the man with the wooden leg a situation as a timber cruiser with a 1 ber com- pany. We have meantime put tions of the back deficit hands of a group of Theyv propose to ng a small ente the ques. into the business men. it out by hold- ainment at which (by a special license from the munie- ipality) they will operate a roulette table and u faro bank, with the sale of cold drinks, selected by a business committee, on the side. They now looking for a suitable place al 12 feet by 15 to hold this ment in. Meantime we t sider your resign: ing this matter of looked into ipe 1st you will recon m. We are hav a public charity by some of our best busi- ness men Iready they incline to the idea that if it is carried on in the right spirit and with proper energy ' and self-sacrifice, there may be money in it. Very sincerely A. TRIDOUT SOLIDHE (Covyright. 102 \D. Pep and Energy in the United States And How It Helps Along in a Big Boom BY SAM HELLMAN. grand remarks “High Finnegan. “We're full of pep and energy and—" “We certanly do things," 1 agrees. “I'm wondering,” goes on “High Dome,” “whether we do more things or overdo them.” “What do you 1 asks. “I was just thinking of this Florida boom " says Finnegan. “Oh,”” 1 shrugs, ‘I suppose some folks have bought more land than they should have—" “That {sn't what I've had in mind,” interrupts “High Dome.” “Here's an example of a perfect development—a development based on real stuff—be- ing overadvertised to death “I didn’t know,” I remarks, “that it was passible to advertise anything too much, especially real estate. “You didn’t, eh?" comes back Finne- gan. ‘ake a look at this Florida thing. You tell a guy that you've just bought a lot near Miami or Beach, and what do you get?” “An offer?” T suggests. A laugh,” returns “High Dome.” ix months ago a guy would brag about having got a swell piece of land in Florida. Today he keeps It a secret and blushes if you happen to find out about it.” “Why?" I inquires. “Is a buy there now such a doubtful play?” “Not at all,” says Finnegan. “But Florida has been advertised so much in such ballyhoo ways that being con- nected with it s like buying stock in the sideshow of a circus. Imagine hir- ing jazz bands, follles beauties, profes- sfonal foot ball teams and ex-pugs to convince patrons of the value of acre- age!” “Well,” says I, “you’ve got to bring your folk to the market if you want to peddle 'em fish.” is a mean—overdo?"” Palm | “Yeh," agrees “High Dome.” “But | 014 |itfter you get 'em to the market there's h I no with nse in tying up your sales talk pageant of women, two or three | bands, vaudeville and stuff of that sort. | It you went to buy fish, and while you were looking at the fish the dealer started playing the harmonica you'd figure there was something wrong | with the fish and he was trying to keep your attention from it, wouldn't | you?" “Perhaps,” says 1. “But there's some difference between buying fish and Florida real estate.” “Only,” grins Finnegan, “that the promoters down there, by paying vaudeville actors around the country to sing Florida songs and crack Florida jokes and junk of that sort, are killing off the golden eggs they've been trying to drag down. Don't you laugh now when somebody tells you about a bargain he got in Florida?" “I guess ‘vou're right about that,” I admits, “but laughing don't stop people from buying.” | “Laughing doesn't,” comes back | | “High Dome,” “but being laughed at does. Ridicule, or the fear of it, will keep a man from doing anything. His best judgment might be that this and this is a ood thing, but If he knows he'll get the laugh from his friends for buying it he'll lay off. Why do you think a man can stand on a street cor- ner and offer $20 gold pleces for $10 and not sell any?"” “Why, Mr. Bonehead?” T bites. ‘‘Because,” answers Finnegan, “the | folks passing by don’t want to take a | chance of being laughed at in case the 20 turned out to be red hot or just phony. A year ago a man could have bought a piece of land in Florida, maybe taken a small loss on the sale of it and nobody would have particu- larly noticed the transaction. Buy a lot today and take a loss And see what your friends will do to you the rest of your life. done for ness." You don’t mean to tell me." ~vowls, “that the promoters dow there hired vaudeville actors and gag writers to poke fun at Florida real estate like most of 'em do”"” “T do,” returns “High Dome.” “I was tal g to an actor the other day who plays the small time out in the | corn belt. A real estate baby offered him §50 a week to work in Florida gags in his chatter.” “What do you-—want—boost stuff?” the actor asked him. “I don't care what you say,” came | back the promoter, “as long as you get the words West Florida into vour talk. All the people need these days is to get Florida mentioned to 'em to go crazy, mortgage the old shack, pile their duffie into a lizzie and trek South.” “Maybe you're right," vs T, “about the game down there being ballyhooed too much, but the fact remains that they've sold a lot of land and made a bunch of jack.” ‘There’s been a lot of options traded around,” replies “‘High Dome,” “but as matter of cold fact, I'll bet the fix ures at the end of five years, when folks get a chance to cool down, will show that there were more real sales of real estate in Towa in 192526 than they were in Florida. Remember that every time a piece of land was peddied in Florida it called for puge ads in the newspapers, three or four band con- certs and a night club revue, while the sale of a square block in the busi- ness district of Des Moines only got a three-line mentfon in the Towa papers I'm just taking Towa for example. In New York and Illinois they probably | trade more in a day than they have in Florida since Ponce de Leon was | looking around for a shot in the arteries.” “Then you think that a'l the Florida That' the what hallyhooing | Florida real estate bu 1 boom has been a lot of bologny Nothing of the kind,” snaps Finne- an “There has been a real boom down there, thousands of acres have been sold, flocks of hotels have been built, but the ballyhoo has magnified the numbers by five or six hundr per cent. The whole thing was stag wrong.” * 1 ask! right to whoop things up.” says “High Dome,” “to get folks talking about Florida, but after they got 'em coming, and coming fast, the promoters should have _ switched around and got dignified. The adver- tisements ought to have been as quiet as bank ads and all the jazz stuff cut out. Bands and night clubs and things of that sort don't advertise home sites; they advertise resorts, You don’t buy a house because there's a night club in the same block, do you?" “Lot's of people might.” T suggests. “Those kinds of people would never lorida_any good,” returns Finne- Tf Florida wants to be the big- gest Winter resort in the world it's on the right track, but fts lay on the home gag is 1 wrong." “What do you think’ll happen when the boom ends?” 1 inquires. “It practically has already,” sayvs “High Dome,” “but Florida has a lot of other things besides real estate agents to keep it alive. The climate is great, the fact that they have no income and estate taxes down there will steadily draw rich folks and the so forths, but folks will have to get last yvear' out of their system before they really start golng ahead. ou_got to bring a_ guy’s re you start feeding ou ever been to Florida?" T ask E negan. That's I can talk so freely about ft." (Conyright. 1926.) hysteri | him nourishing food. Perfect Fool Explains How Number 13 Came to Be Accepted Cause of Bad Luck BY ED WYNN. EAR Mr. Wynn: My wife re- turns home next Saturday from the hospital, bringing with her our triplets just 5 weeks old. I am surprising my wife, as I have just had a nursery fitted out for our new bables. It is a beautiful room and I would like to have a suitable name painted on the door instead of “Nursery.” What do_you suggest? Yours truly, POP PAH. Answer: Three bables, 5 weeks old, in one room? If I were you I would call it the “Bawlroom.” ¥ Dear Mr. Wynn: I have just se- cured a job as a chauffeur., I'm to start two weeks from today, and am ~upposed to sleep over the garage. I want the job, all right, but I cannot sleep in a strange bed. What shall I do? Yours truly, X. AUST. Answer: As you don't begin for two weeks, ask your boss to let you sleep In the new bed for a few nights before you start working, then when you get your job you'll be used to the bed. Dear Mr. Wynn: Who started the idea that “13” was an unlucky number? Sincerely, ~ SUE PERSTITION Answer: In 1803, a man was ar- rested for killing a woman. He was tried and convicted and given life. He blamed ft on the jury and the judge. That's how it started. He figured 12 men on the jury and 1 judge made 13. Dear Mr. Wynn: I read in the paper that a man fell from the roof of a 10-story bullding into a wagon filled with soda water bottles. The news- Jpaper claimed the man was not hurt. If this is true, how do you account for it? Truly yours, I DOUTIT. Answer: That could happen, espe- clally so if the soda water bottles were filled. In this particular case the man wasn't hurt because he fell into a ‘wagon full of soft drinks. Deg)lr, Wynn: I am a boy, 9 | | years old. My father says crickets are more wonderful than John Philip Sousa, Irving Berlin and Paul White- man. Why does he say that? Yours truly, B. FLAT. Answer: Your father means that crickets make music with their hind legs and that's more than any of those fellows can do. Dear Mr. Wynn: I hear that in Hindustan they don't have dentists. The people take out their teeth with their fingers. Don't you think that is wonderful? EYMAN PANE. Nothing wonderful about ‘We have thousands of people in this country who take their teeth out, with their fingers, every night before going to bed. i Dear Mr. Wynn: What will be the | difference between present times and the days when women will -have all equal rights? Yours truly, 1. C. A. CONSPIRACY. Answer: At the presant time wom- en have their faces on coins, thelp hands in men's pockets, their eyes on men's sons. Equal rights will merely give them the opportunity to {put their “noses” in men's business. That's all. Dear Mr. Wynn: I have been keep. ing company with a traveling sales- man. Last night he asked ma to marry him. e said he would always love me from February to May and September to December. What does he mean by promising to only love me certain months in the year? Truly yours, HUGH SHUDNO. Answer: He's traveling the other months. THE PERFECT FOOL. Ed Wynn. as he has often told you, is one of the wisest men in the world. He sees ll—he knowa ail. Do Sou think you ‘ear L any dind of A question: Jou send i#%0 im o Case'G1 the of this paper and wateh for his repls (Consright. 1026.) = author of the old Erglish bal . “Babes in the Wood,” is un known. The ballad was entered in the stationers’ register in 1595. The first play by that name, produced in 1601, was derived from the Lalisn. A