Evening Star Newspaper, January 3, 1926, Page 75

THE SUNDAY ! WASHINGTON, D. €., JANUARY 3, 1926—PART &. J Antique Dancing Garb, Up-to-Date Spenders and News Novelties Costume Parties Offer Opportunity For Exchange of Various Commodities BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. detective once said, nan is judged by the thes that he wears, but not costume party. And how true this is come out the other night when I and George, that’s my husband, received a tnvitation from that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club and his wife. This invitation looked perfectly good at first glance, it being all engraved and etc., the kind of invite that costs more to send out than it does to give the party. T sure was impressed, I knew hat Joe was making good money, in Lot was working in the United States Mint, but I hadn't before real- ized how high they was flying. Hot Bozo, George, I says, this is gonner be some party, and right then was where George found a catch in the invite. For the luvva tripe, he s lookit what they got parked down in one corner. he says, and I give a look and at the same time a 7ell of pleasure, on account the mys- tic word was “Fancy Dress.” Nothing doing, I ain't going, sa Georze at once, fat chance of me mak- g a fool out of myself just to please hem Bushes. And I says no need o worry over that, dear, of course vou'l 1 per: myself am de- wonder would 1 look better or Hula dancer? savs my now. hold on, I thought s was a costume-party, why there ain’t costume enough be- tween them two characters to cover a wife of mine sufficient for her to ap- year in_public, why don't you go as Queen Victoria or somebody respect- able like And I suppose you ex- pect o s up in the parior cur- tains, or someth but nothing stir- I won't even go to the darn 1 says, why not give in 1 of later, and save the trouble? Why there will prizes for the best cos- : we think up some nd knock ‘em cold? the chances are they No, if I go at all 1 costume from & cos- Devil's t or a clown's nal like that, but I bothered making a £ u ably be What 1 stunt a that would , that is one seriously lome, the place is bound 1d crowded. Well, says rious is the way you had k before you do anything e r ways, when George had or the train, I at once p Mabel on the ’phone and ac- epted for the both of us. Say dear, whatter you going as? And well T was thinking of Sa- opatra, I got a lot of old s up attic, I thought I'd take the inglers of them for ear- make @ crown out of that gilt aper ba got in the par- be you would sleeves out of that old , then 1 won't buy anything except gold and by the way, dear, have old spare brass curtain t them for earrings for he could tie them on nd wear a bandana, ate g What what It left, I but I thi enough hay out in our garage from the old davs before we traded Dob- bin in as first payment on Lizzie, to make me a hula skirt; that is, if you don't think you will need it &he says oh no thanks, dear, of you to offer it, just the if you've got any lemonade cups can I send Junior over for them? And 1 says sure, d where do vou ex- pect to wear them? 1d she say: why I never thought of wearing them, I says, she s lome lam ass 183, have sandal ou gof rings? Toe. with kind of a } are you I don't to I wa rough 1 ear? k er have there is “A PERSON NEEDED ALL THEIR STRENGTH WHEN THEY LOOKED AT SOME OF THE GET-UPS THEIR FRIENDS HAD ON.” say but wouldn't that be original, though? I do just love originality, don't you? ‘Well, that put a thought in my head, and I commenced figuring on what I could do in the way of a clever costume, like wearing a tag on myself, ““Perishable, Handle With Care,” or maybe go as a scrub-woman or a rag- doll and wear one of these comic make-ups with my hair all slicked back and dirt on my face. I certainly would create a sensation that way, and I could already overhear in my mind remarks about that brilliant Mrs. Jules, ain’t she just too clever for words? Isn't her costume a scream? But then and all, I decided it wouldn’t be so bad to hear them “There goes that beautiful Mrs. doesn’t she look stunning to- night? And in the end, 1 decided where it wouldn't be really dignified for me to pull any comic stuff, I had better go as a princess or a flower girl, or something equally becoming. In the end T decided on Ophelia in white chiffon with nasturtiums from the five and dime strewed in my hair, and n, sweet, wistfulness of expres- nd lots of make-up Well, when the day for the party come I and George hadn't discussed it much, except for him saying it was all darn fool nonsense. So seeing him drift in before dinner with a big box under his arm was kind of a surprise. He didn't say nothing about what was in it, but I noticed the label and it says Rattenfelter’s Costuming Co. rand Opera and Elks service a Specialty. BUT even this didn't really prepare me for what happened when he took the box into the bathroom with Several splashes later he come in red tights, trunks, one of these Millstone effects in neckwear, a sword and three safety pins. Well? he savs, kinda sheepish, how does it look, eh? Don't ask me! 1 says, why did you pick it? It was all the man had left, says Geo. Come on now, it's not so bad, eh? It Isn't everybody’s got the % ok ok legs to carry off this outfit! And he commenced walking up and down in front of the mirror, hating himself for all he was worth. Say, I think I look pretty good, he says, by gollies it feels fine to wear a little color for a change, say Jennie, I guess you never knew before what a handsome hus band you had, did you? Then he give one look at my map and made a big discovery. For the luvva tripe, he says, you don’t expect to go with all that paint on your face, do you? I says, now Geo., please don't start that old gag, vyou always pull that whenever we start to go any place. And he 1 don't care, you got too much paint on, wipe it off. So I made a pass At my mouth, without, how- ever, touching it. and T says, there, is that better? And he says h, that's more like it, but you still got on too much, here, lend me a little of that red stuff, I think I need sc dope on my face to go with this ri So I fixed George’s fuce, and told b how wonderful he looked isfied him even without my going into details, and then we steered for the party all set to stun the crowd And believe you me. it was'some | party, and the pass word of the eve- ning was to vell oh, my hear, how wonderful you look. A person needed all their strength and lungs, too, wh they looked at some of the their friends had on, such for as Mr. Goofnah in Kilts with all out of alignment, and nah, who had ought to of had by sense at her age, wearing both her chins and a age 12, size 48, gingham dress. Then, on_the other hand, that bot- tle blond, Miss Demeanor, was very tastily gotten up. she went as a dish of spaghetti all draped in wreaths of garlic, and tomato labels, while Dr. Salary, the one she's engaged to, was too cute for words as Buster Brown, only he hadn’t shaved his mustache, which made the impersonation not so convincing. Old Gen. Bluster wore his uniform, the one he had new at the Battle of Pea-soup, and it was all full of bullet holes, or so he claimed, but it was so long since they made that he was by now giving credit to bullets that was really due the moths. However, the crowning glory was the host and hostess, Mabel had a blond wig with two long braids, get-ups Irs. | come a regu’ which sat- | | out of me! | could do that, dear, it's too late, but was | and looked like a cross between the Malden’s Prayer and Rock of Ages, while Joe, in” white flannels and the hand painted scarf around his waist was as much like a pirate as any other conservative business man. * ok % ° COURCE, with all them strange clothes on, everybody felt at lib- erty to act gayer then usual, and by the time the colored paper hats was handed out, also the paper plautes of ice cream, why the party had be- r riot, with people mak- ing good original cracks at each other, such as Hot Dog, lookit Edna's hair, is that your own face you got on to- night, Joe. where did you steal that costume, E4? And ete. Then Mabel done dance with a cup bananas and lemon-juice in her hand. Dr. Salary sat in a plate of ice.cream, I caught my Ophelia dress on a nail and we told Mabel what a lovely time we had enjoyed and went home while we had the strength There now! says George when we vas back In a little comparative priv- T hope vou are satisfied, he says, 1 the fool ideas a costume party is the worst, but you had your way, we went. I told you from the be- ginning it would be a flat tire, but vou hadder go and make a silly ass And I says why nobody real daring full of sliced I personally had a wonderful time and I'd ltke to return it as soon as possible. Sa says George, if there was any way of actually returning this eve- ning, why I couldn't give it back quick enough, all I've got to return is this darnation fool costume, and re- turn a extra check for repairs, besides, he say: Now, dear, don’t be ridiculous, I 's, we certainly are going to give « party, real soon, so’s 1 can borrow back my stuff from Mabel Bush. I know that woman, and it's the only way we'll ever get our glasses and etc. It's gonner be a costume party, too, but the guests are to wear news- papers. We all like to get into print, and the overhead will be considerably less. (Copyright, 19286.) Advance Cable Stories Meet Changes Expected in All Foreign Situations BY STEPHEN LEACOCK T has recently become the habit to send out and circulate all sorts of special information in the form of “services.” The schools of commerce send out ‘“financial services” with a forecast of business conditions six months before they hap- pen and sometimes even six months before they don’t happen. The departments of agriculture send out crop reports even before the grain is planted. The meteorologists keep at least a fortnight ahead of the weather. Political forecasts are ready now for all the elections up to 1928. The hard Winter that is going to begin about this time of year has been y prophesled, in fact promised, by the squirrels, the groundhogs, and the makers of fur garments and by the. West Indian steamship agents. It has occurred to me that a useful extension might he made to these “servict adding an “Adyance Furopean Cable Service.” By this means all readers of European news instead of having to read the cables day by day, could get them in a lump of several weeks or a month at a time. Anybody who has studied such dis- patches for the last three of four vears recognizes at once that the cables run in a regular round, quite sy to prophesy. In the modest ttle attempt appended below for a part of the month of January, I have endeavored to put in merely the ordl- nary routine of European public life, without prophesying anything of an exceptional or extreme Character. Cable Service for January. German Revolution Coming. BERLIN, January 4—A monarchi- cal wave is reported as having swept over Germany. The wildest excite- ment prevails. A hundred persons were trampled to death in Berlin the other day. The return of the Kaiser is expected at any moment. And Going. BERLIN, January 5.—A republican wave has swept over Germany in the place of the monarchlcal wave of yes- terday. Another hundred _people were trampled to death. William Hohenzollern is reported as still at Doorn in Holland. And Has Gone. BERLIN, January 6.—Germany is quiet. Spring shopping is beginning already. Everywhere there is cheer- fulness and optimism. Nobody was trampled to death all day. Frenzied Finance in France. PARIS, January 7.—Following on the sensational statement of the min- ister of finance that France would pay her debts to the last penny, the wildest excitement prevailed on the Bourse. The franc, which had been fairly steady all yesterday, rose to its feet, and staggered right across the street where it collapsed in a heap. Gloom prevails in financial circles. PARIS, January 8.—The minister of finance has issued a supplementary ! aiatement i@ $he efeci thai France “REDS PREPARING FOR A DRIVE AGAINST THE PERSIANS—MOST OF THE PERSIANS HAVE CLIMBED MOUNT ARARAT.” will pay all her debts, but it may take her a million years to do it. This assurance has restored universal con- fidence and he is hailed everywhere as having redeemed the honor and credit of France. A tremendous ova- tion was given him today when eat- ing a sanwich at a lunch counter. It is now said that the minister who is recognized everywhere as the financial savior of France, is work- ing out a plan for wiping out the whole debt of France by borrowing it from England. Home Life in England. LONDON, January 9.—England is face to face with & coal strike of such magnitude, that in 24 hours every fire In England will go out. If the trans port workers and the public house- keepers join the strike, the whole in- dustrial life of the nation will come to a full stop, Meantime the Arch- bishop of Canterbury says that it he can’t get a satcheltul of nut coal to- night, he must close the cathedral. LONDON, January 10.—The coal strike was called off at five minutes before midnight—one of the closest shaves of a total collapse of England that has been reported in the last six nl:snth-.‘ Ihsnlflma. with n:l.m‘l'd:m skies and bright sunshine, attention of the nation 1s riveted o the championship £oot ball game be- tween Huddersfleld and Hopton-under- Lime. The Archbishop of Canterbury will kick off the ball. Italian Upheaval Imminent. ROME, January 11.—The Italian Fascisti have broken loose again. Yesterdy a man climbed up to the top of the Duomo at Milan and waved a black shirt, shouting Evviva Italia! The whole nation is in a ferment. Anything may happen. ROME, January 8—It is all right. It transpires that the shirt was not black. Austria in Chaos. VIENNA, January 12.—Mr. Edward Edelstein, vice president of the Canned Soap Company of Paterson, New Jersey, who is making a 10-day tour in Central Europe to study busi- ness conditions, describes the situa- tion in Austria as one of utter chaos. Trade is absolutely stagnant. Busi- ness is almost extinct, while the cur- rency is in utter confusion. In Vien- na, unemployment is everywhere— even the rich are eating in soup kitch- ens, the theaters are closed, and social life is paralyzed. Complete Revival of Austria. VIENNA, January 13.—Mr. John Smithers of Smitherstown, who is tak- ing a five-day vacation in Europe, reports that the economic situation of Austria has been re-established on a scund basia, The restoration of the currency this morning by the estab- lishment of a new, and easier, mark is working wonders. The factories are running on full time, the shops are crowded with visitors, the hotels are bursting with guests and the theaters are offering Shakespeare. Grand Opera and Uncle Tom’s Cabin. VIENNA, January 1l4.—Autria has collapsed again. Dear 014 Russia. PETROGRAD (otherwise Leningrad or Trotskyville.) January 11.—Reports from the Caucasus say that Red forces made a drive at the Caucaslans yes- terday. The latter just got out of the road in time. January 15.—Word has been re- celved that the Reds made a flerce drive at Semipalatink. They only got part of it. January 16.— Wireless dispatches say that the Reds are preparing for a drive against the Persians. Most of the Persians have already climbed up Mount Ararat. January 17.—It 18 reported that the council of Workmen’s Soviet of Mos- cow have passed a resolution declar- ing that universal peace has come. International Goodwill. TOKIO, January 18.—Viscount Itch is reported in the Japanese Daily Hootch as saying that the time has come when Japan could not tolerate the existence of the United States on the other side of the Pacific. It would have to be moved. Wild excitement prevailed after the delivery of the speech. Enormous crowds paraded the streets of Tokio, shouting “Down with America!” An American mis- sionary was chased into a Chinese restaurant. TOKIO, January 19.—Viscount Itch has issued a statement to the effect Japan and the United States are sisters, Wild enthusiasm prevails. Great crowds are parading the streets, shouting “Attabof Coolidji’” The mis- sionary has come down again. YOKOHAMA, January 20.—The business section of Yokohama was de- stroyed by an earthquake. YOKOHAMA, January 21.—The business section of Yokohama has been propped up again and nailed into position. Far Away South Seas. January 22.—Cable advices recetved via Fiji and Melbourne report that the Marquesas Islanders in a plebiscite have voted for prohibition, direct leg- islature, proportional re] tation, and the abolition of can: Some more votes will be taken next (Copyrignt, 10%6.) Oh, Heavens. Tourist (gazing at a volcano) Say, it looks like Hades, doesn’t it? Native—My, how these Americans have traveled! No Danger of Burning. Senfor—What botled ham? Srots—Oh. shat's bAm polied in eold ater, fen't Reservations for Florida Are Bought But Controversy Over Trip Is Raging BY SAM HELLMAN. Iy HE Glumps,” remarks the misses, “are golng to Flor- ida for the Winter.” “Yes,” mys I, “and I know of a couple of Iski- mokes that are going to Iceland for the Summer. What does that make me—a lady harpist “Nothing that I do or say,” snaps the frau, “can make you anything but what you are.” “That belng?” 1 Inquires “Just & nix,” returns the wife. “Wh; can’t you take me to Florida like other husbands do?” “I don't remember any hushands taking you to Florida,” I comes back. “What ‘would you want to go away for, anyways? Don't you like your home any more?” “I like filet of sole,” returns Kate, “but that don’t mean I want It every day. Don't you think I need a change once in a while?" “What do you mean change?’ I barks. “Out of the 365 days L'll bet you haven't stayed at home a hun- dred days this “You're cra ys the mi “I've hardly stirred out of the house. “All right,” I remarks, “let’s figure it out. We were away during the Summer for three months, weren't we?' Yes, e admits the fire and sword, hat's a hundred days, isn't 1t2 T demands, “Last Spring we went to Atlantic City for three weeks. That's 21 _more days. “What of it?” sniffs the frau “In September, October and Novem- ber.” 1 goes on, “we spent every week end In the country, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That's 36 more days.” “Well,” says Kate, “even with your figuring, that's only about 150 days.” “Wait a minute,” I tells her, “we haven't started yet. During the year you went out, at least, a hundred afternoons, didn't you — shopping, bridge parties, matinees and the so- forths? Also, T took you out at least three times a week at night. Add all of those up to the Summer vaca- tion and the rest and you'll find that you didn’t come near actually spend ing a hundred days at home.” “Yes," agrees the wife sweetly, “but remember, one evening spent at home with vou is equal to three weeks i any woman's_life. You mean,” I as edge she acquires? “I mean,” returns the the boredom she collec *in the knowl misses, “in | going “THE ONLY HOME-LOVERS NOWADAYS ARE THE MEN.” “Just the same,” I remarks, sar- castic, “you're willing to put up with me in Florida.” “Yes,” says she. ‘‘Down there I can look ovemyour head and see a change of scene.” “I'l tell you what I'll do,” I an- nounces. “I'll have some new wall- paper put in the living room and you can look over my head every evening while I'm reading the paper. What's |the matter with you women nowadays? Don't you care anything about your homes? You go out and spend a king's transom fixing up & place, and then you spend the rest of the bankroll In for stunts thatll keep vou away from the place. The only home vers nowadayvs are the men. They're villing to kick thelr shoes off after a | hard day's work and listen in on the radio, but you Janes—" “We're home all day, wife. *“That’'s the bunk,” I snaps. cuts in the “After monkeying around all afternoon at bridge and lunches you frills kick up a fussgvith the old provider if he won't take you to a jazz palace or a show. There'll be no Florida this Winter, and besides, we're going to stay home a lot. I'm going to spend the evenings looking through the house to see what you've bought in the last few months to make the place homelike I'm_broke.” Yoi've got more money Glump,” sniffs the misses. “That may be true,” I admits, “but the first of the month means pay-out day to me.” “It means the same thing to Joe, doesn’t it?"" demands the wife. “It does not,” I assures her. “It doesn’t mean anything to him except- ing the little effort it takes to slap bills on the hook. He still owes for Anyhow, Glump's 3 flush whenever he's ready to take the count.” than Joe Besides, | “What way?" asks the frau. “He just goes broke,” I explain. i¥ou know, his rating down the street “Huh!" puzzles the misses. “Two fires and a faflure,” T tells her. “Why didn’t you marry Joe?” I goes on. “He was one of the sweetles I saved you from.” “You saved me from nothing,” flares up Kate. “At last,” T, something, but, just the same, it would have been grand to have been the wife of Joe. All you'd have to say to him was that you needed a mink coat, and he'd just start a fire for you. All he'd have to do is call himself up.” “Call himself up?" repeats the wife. “What are vou talking about?" “That's the latest in the best arson circles,” I explains. “A bird ties a can of gasolene under his telephone and puts a match between the knocker and the bell. Then he goes home and rings his office. The buzzing of the bell lights the match, which drops into the gasolene, and there you are, pearl without price “That’s silly,” decides Kate, “You think s0?” I return. *“As a matter of fact, there’s talk on the street now that Glump is ready to take another nose dive into bank, ruptey Now that you tell me tha§ he's going to Florida, I guess it's trus Pretty soft to have vour creditor: pay your expense: “At ate,” remarks the frau, “Joe must love his wife, i he's willing to take a chance of golng to Jall o show her a good time. “Like hek he does, “He's got to have : e to put his stuff fn. Il bet his socks and necktles are in his wife's name. How would vou like me to go out with a plece of lead pipe and esrn you a trip to Palm each?’ You'd probab) I comes back. mess that up, like everything else,” sneers the fran. *I suppose 1 should have married a man K Joe Glump.” I demands. says the misses, “I was iounces. “Herel"” and 1 passes over an envelope. “What's that reservation e leave you dear,” gushes the frau, “but 1 thought you were crazy about staying home.™ “Kid.” I tells her, “home is where vou is" (Copyright, 1926.) ‘Humorist’s Community in Hot Battle Over Name of Principal Thoroughfare BY RING LARDNER. O the Editor: Our thriving little community has lately split up into 3 rival fractions over the vital question of whether or not the name of our principal street should ought to be changed. One fraction says yes, the other says no and the third ain’t heard about it vet 1 would better exclaim that Great Neck is the place where I and several others lives and Great Neck got its name on acct. of being a large neck of land running out into Long’s Island Sound. The name of the main street is Middle Neck Road on accrt. of it running right through the middle of the neck from one end to the other. The yes men claim the name is awk- ward and besides they's other villages in the neighborhood that has got a street by the same name and time they was a man named Dudley or Graham or some such name that lived on Middle Neck Road, Port Washington, about 4 or 6 mile from us and he had never got a letter in his life though he expected one, and finely his cousin, a man named Web- ster in Stamford, took a trip to Nassau and couldn’t think of nobody else to mall a card to so he malled one to this here Dudley or maybe it was Graham. The card had a picture of the sponge fisheries in the Bahamas. Well, it seems that the U. S. mall service made a mistake and this card come to Great Neck instead of going to Port Washington though it says Port ‘Washington plain as the nose on Rollie Zeider's face. This is said to be the first mistake ever made by the U. S. malil service and if this country ain’t good enough for you go back from whence you came. Anyways a clerk in the Great Neck post office read both sides of the card and come to the conclusion that it was meant to go to this Dudley, alias Graham, in Port Washington, so he forwarded it there and Graham got it O. K., but a day late, so he did not know till Wednesday that the Bahamas {8 a hot bed of sponges whereas if he had known it Tuesday he might of done something. That 1s one side of the question and the proponents of the scream for changing the name of Middle Neck Road point out that the same inci- dence is libel to occur again in spite of the fact that Webster was only one | “THEY DON'T OVERLOOK NOTHING.” in Nassau 2 weeks and is now back in Stamford drawing cartoons. This fraction suggested that the new name be some kind of a name descriptive of the community, like Wonder Road or Actors Avenue. The 2d fraction presents the follow- Ing arguments. 1. There is a strest in Chicago named 22d st. and there is a st. in New York named 22d st. and there is a st. in Philadelphia named 22d st. and there is a man living on 22d st., New York, by the name of Cahill and he was in Oregon in 1924 and met a gal there and she promised to write him a letter and she wrote it and he not only got it but wouldn’t even answer it as she kept hinting in the letter that she would like to come east some time. 2. There is a town named Paris in France and a towr Illinois, and they's Illinois, that can't eve: mence to talk French. 3. The name Middle Neck Road tells its own story. viz. it is the road in the middle of the neck. When you have got a name as pat as that and when it is a time honored name that it is as old as the community itselt, and et In rebuttal the other side says a name don't half to be apropos as long as it is a pretty name. Like for inst. we have got a street in Great Neck named Hicks Lane which is « beauti- ful name and nobody ever thought of changing it though only a few of the families abutting on that street is hicks. And then there is Cow Lane where Ed Streeter lives that use to write the dere Mable letters and he aln't a cow, ain't got a cow and hates milk. The present writer's brother lives on Lodge Road and ain't even an Gene Buck lives on Nassau Road and was never at Princeton only for foot ball games and was never at Nassau in the Bahamas. Then there is Spruce place and 1 have seen people living on it that was absolutely dowdy, to say nothing about folks residing.on Overlook avenue who their neighbors say they don't overlook nothing. However it might be just as well 1£ the bellizerents was showed some way to compromise and my suggestion is that & new name be selected that would combine beauty and elegance with aptness you might say and pre- serve the sense of Middle Neck, like for example Adam's Apple Avenue, Larynx Lane, Thyrold Thoroughtare, Trachea Terrace, Windpipe Way or Jugular Boulevard When this affaire du coeur is de- cided one or both ways the next prob- lem is whether or not to change the name of the town itself on acct. of it being 2 miles from Little Neck and not only that but_when you say so and so Is a Great Necker you are libel to give the impression that they are a red hot petter. Four or five years ago the substitute name Goither was suggested by May Wilson Preston, but for some reason another did not seem to take. Leaders in the com- munity has been pondering this the last 12 mo. but so far has come to no definite decision. Amongst the suggestions put forward has been Swollen Tonsils, Eighteen Collar and Zbyzsko. named Paris, eople in Paris, begin to com- (Copyright. 1926.) One of Those Small Apartments Leaves No Room for Argument in the Family BY ED WYNN. Dear Mr. Wynn: My son is 18 years of age. He is unable to get a position. No one thinks he can do any work because he is so thin. He really is the thinnest thing you ever saw. ‘Where do you think he can get a job? Yours_truly, 1. M. THINTOO. Answer: If he is as thin as you say, get him @ job in & music store clean- ing out flutes. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am & traveling man and on my arrival at home the doctor greeted me with the great news that 1 was the ln.h;r of }t;rllmet‘l:] Thl° peculiar part of the whole ng is that I arrived home just as the clock struck three, and I was told I had three children. Whgit do lyou think f that? ncerely, & 1. M. PROUD. Answer: I think that's great, but I also think you're lucky you didn’t arrive home when the clock struck never seen such are they so dirty? Answer: You can't look clean unless The Turkish peasants jook so dirty because they export all the Turkish baths to this country. they were all sold our club rooms caught fire, and the plano was burned to ashes. We are in a quandary what to do. What can you suggest? Sincerely, -C. SHARP. Answer: Very simple. Hold the raffie just as you had intended and instead of finding out who won the pleno, you'll find out who lost the Dear Mr. Wynn: I am going to Europe for the first timq Can you tell me where I can find some roman- tic old ruins? Yours truly, MORRY TANNIA. Answer: If you write me a personal letter I will tell you where to find some romantic old ruins, but dont blame me if you marry one of them. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a married man and the father of two children. We live in a large house and should be very happy, but on the contrary my wife and I argue from morning till night. What remedy do you sug- gest? Yours truly, AD VIZEMEE. Answer: The reason you and your wife argue all the time is because you ltve in a big house. Just move your- self, your wife and two children into any of the new apartment houses and you'll find there is no room for argu- ment. Dear Mr. Wynn: Do you believe in the old saying, “It's the deeds that count, not words Yours truly ROSIE CHEEKS. Answer: Not when I'm sending a telegram. Dear Mr. Wynn: I know you are an actor and a student of the theater, Can you tell me when the first the. atrical entertainment took place and ‘where? Yours truly, IMA THESPIAN. Answer: The first theatrical enter tainment was in the Garden of Eden nwhen Eve appeared for Adam’s bene- t. Dear Mr. Wynn: They say “heredi- tary” means anything handed down from father to son. Does that mean the old man’s pants. toe? Truly yours, I. GETTEM, Answer: Next week. THE PERFECT FOOL. (Copyright. 1926.) . Famous Voices. 'I'EE British Broadcasting Co. and the British Museum have made an arrangement whereby some of the phonograph records of famous volces will be broadcast, says Sclentific American. The tentative list includes Tennyson, Sir Herbert Tree's record of {Hamiet's ' soliloquy on death and Roosevelt's speech against the trus It was hoped that a record made by Queen Victoria could be put on the air, but this was decided against because the words were registered on an old nna.l which does not give & trug