Evening Star Newspaper, March 8, 1925, Page 73

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASH Advgntures of George and His Wife in Society. BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S them fellers which invented the idea of growing your own mattress stuffing used often to say, “If you don't know what etiquette is right, make a de- tour and avoid it altogether!” And 1 certainly come to the conclu- sion them boys was correct after what happened to T and George, that's my husband, when George's bo: asked the two of us out to the house to dinner. It all commenced when George come home one night and he had a book under his arm for the first time since the only golf pants he owned was called knickerbockers, and he says to me whatter you know, Jennie, he says, Mr. Trick, our gen. mgr. has ast us out to their place to dinner, he says Hot like? Well, he says, in the office Mr. Trick don’t hardly speak to nobody, and he is full of the ritz, I don't know how he gets that way, 1 hear his father wasn't nothing but a chauffeur to an clevator, but Mr. Trick, great heavens, he has got one of them table d'hote portion mustaches, white spats on his flats, helps the florist out with the button hole of his coat every day, and while he don't say nothing much, what he does let loose sounds as im- ported as a member of Parliament, he says. Everybody in the office is scared Stiff when he speaks, they are afrait it may be catching and that they will be going home and telling dear Mam- mah to kindly hasten the bally old suppah. Well naturally T at once says be- lieve you me, then they must live with all the trimmings, and Geo. says veh, sure, I don’t know why we should get punished with this Invitation, but I couldn’t say no. And so on the way home | stopped and got this book, not that I am in the least worrled over my manners but I thought maybe you would like to look at it And I says, huh, I guess I know how to say pleased to meetcha as good as the next one, but as long as you have went and spent the money for the book, why you might as weil use a little of it, to save it. I person- ally myself woldn't bother to look in it Well anyways, Geo vol. on the living room table, along with the almanac and the Selections From Famous Poems, our other boo nd naturally all evening I kept it efore his mind that my mother was « Jones before her marriage and that 1 guessed with a well known family like that I didn’t need no instructions in any etiquette. And Geo. says, well, I have noticed how often you order chicken salad, but do as you pleasel * Bozo! 1 says, what are they left the bound UT the next day when all other witnesses was house I thought, oh wel to take a little peek out curiosity, and believe you me, Zot a lot of information out of that To commence with, I learned where a person shouid never enter a drawing room by main force or on voller skates. The wdy to do it was on both feet, one ri after the other, and when a servant entered this ‘room, why not alone should thefr palms be well oiled, but their shoes, §0's to prevent the squeaking interfering with the guests’ conver- sation. Nothing was about inner tubes, only shoes When meeting a lady friend on the street, it seemed another lady had never ought to kiss her unless the was enemies, and when shaking hands with a stranger, it was con- sidered good form to leave one or two rings on said stranger's hand Also, it was considered polite to refrain from slapping your hostess on the back when introduced to her for the first time, and while sleeping in church was still done by many of the best people, sleeping after dinner in the house of strangers or new quaintances wasn't correct, al- though it seemed this rule didn’t go for banquets where there was after dinner speeches. he and out the no harm of mere 1 sure | mentioned | _lam- ) OF A AH-REMINDED STORY~— “WHERE THE HOST IS KNOWN FOR THE SAME LOT OF JOKES, A GOOD DOSE OF LAUGHING GAS WAS THOUGHT TO BE IN BETTER TASTE.” Well, I made a note of all that— a note a little off key, I will admit, and then I turned to a chapter on the houses of the rich and how to enjoy yourself in them in spite of the host and hostess. It seems the book recommended where the very best way was to bring your own gang of friends along to the party, but If that was impos- sible, why the next best idea, and the one which would be considered least trouble to all concerned, was to bring along a big dose of chloro- form and inhale it as you entered the door. In some circles, however, says the book, especially them where the host is nown for telling the same lot of jokes and stories that he did at| the last seven or twelve parties he | give, why in that case, a good dose of laughing gas was thought to be| In better taste. | In admiring the furniture and etc. | |at such a home, according to the| book. the perfect guest would never | ask was the stuff all pald for yet. | They would also refrain from re-| marking how homely most of it was | until@after leaving. And in conver- | sation during the course of a meal (which course was not mentioned) | the well bred guest would never say “I see by the papers your son Hfll’ is still in jail”". The correct way to| put it was “I perceive that your| | offspring, Willlam, has decided to re- | main incarcerated until your attor-| o think up some new plea for | im. * X x % HEN there was a piece about but- | lers. Tt seems there was several correct ways to address a butler; by mail, telegraph, or parcel post. As to what it was correct to call him, | well, as far as I could figure, it was 11 right to call him anything ex- cept before he was ready. The book also went on to say where | many people unaccustomed to formal | soclety was now carrying little pocket stoves so's not to be frozen by the butler's manner when he opens the front door. The book even give |a chapter on how to tell the butlers from the bumble bees. The ones in the striped vests might be either and the ones in evening clothes might be the host, so it was sure necessary to read this careful. {it. knives and forks and other instru- ments of social torture In the same class. Of course at home we got just the regulation outfit—a fork that yvou take in one hand, and a knife which is parked In the other. The main purpose of them tools is to get food face. But according to this book, fish was liable to make a big fuss about it unless attacked with a fork which had been especially Invented to hurt its feelings as little as possible. Also e cream had a special jack to raise it to the mouth, and ovsters and clams had a little three pronged af- fair which looked like the one the devil is supposed to carry, but deviled or raw, you ate them shell fish with By the time I come to after din- coffee cups and how to tease them, I felt so I cared whether 1 ate any that night or not. Well anyways, after on crockery, silverware, what-to- wear, manners, and other implements of polite etiquette, 1 heard George coming up the path and so I slammed down the book and got busy in the kitchen right away, on ‘account 1 wouldn't care to have him find me sitting around like an idol doing nothing. But I felt like I was now fully able to go out and take dinner with Mr. Trick and wife, even if their house was as big as the court- house and their servants as disa- greeable as the highest society people’s. 1 knew what was which, and felt able to shake hands with the Arm- less wonder in the circus if neces- sary, with perfect poise and grace. Nobody wasn't going to put me at my ease in a big fine house, 1'd be at it when I got there. Well, pretty soon in come Geo. see, and glve me one of them married kisses on the back end of my left ear, and took off hig coat with the usual line about what was wrong with the office, and-then he went and set in the parlor till supper was read and he was so quiet I took a lock in after_a while to see what was wrong, No evening paper was rat- tilng. And there of all things, if Geo wasn't reading in the Etiquette book When I come in he put It down with a wallop, but just too late. ner checking up Another thing 1 read up on was Then he give me a kinda guilty within a reasonable distance of the | full I didn’t know's| supper | look the same as Junior often does over jam or busting something, and 1 merely give him the icy ephis, | * ok R % | WELL: well, I says Geo. Jules what on earth are you doing? And he says oh well, I merely picked it up outter curiosity, he says, I think them things don't really learn a person nothing, but it is kinda amusing, he says, and besides it is one of the most popular books of the son, everybody had ought to know what it's all about, so's to be able to talk intelligent concerning it Well naturally I thought, oh well, leave him read it without no further kidding, it can't do him any harm to realize there is enough men in the world who deess for dinner to make it worth this author's while writing a chapter on the correct of eollar button to wear to a dinner party of six in a public res- taurant. Maybe after, Geo. won't kick so much when I take out his soup-and-fish onct in a while and give the moths a vacation. ‘Well, he read in the book all right, could tell it on him in a minute | type 1 Mr. Trick lived in, and sure enough it was outsize, of white stucco, mean- ng the kind of house where the owner generally gets stucko for more then awy home is worth. When “we pulled up to the front door and Geo. had pushed down his collar in the place which chokes him the worse, why he says to me, now be careful Jenny don’t make any breaks, remember the boss is awful formal, he will very likely re- ceive us in the purple drawing room and shake hands up on the fifth floor of the air and say charmed, or some- thing, but don’t let it get your goat, remember there must be nothing wrong with the picture from the minute the butler opens the door. And 1 says don't worry old deah, I'm gonwer be right there. Well, about then the door opened. but it was not the butler at all, it was Mr. Triok his own self in a old dinner coat that looked real comfort- able, and he at once held out his hand and says well well folks I pretty near thought you was lost, come right on in and meet the Misses, she’s inside by the fire, gee, this is great George old man, such a relief Discovery of Fannie Hurst as Writer Came After Years of Labor Spent in Seeking Goal BY PRESTON WRIGHT. WRITER on a woman's wear journal once the sole between Fannic ion This woman cros ed Miss Hurst's path on a single oc- ion, but took an immediate inter- st in her. The result was the introduction of the girl to the editor of a great mag- azine, who recognized in her that which she has turned out to be—one of the greatest of our novelists and short story writers. Fannie Hurst began writing when » was but a child of 7 In St Louis e maintained a determinad struggle for publication all through her preparatory, high school and uni- versity days, despite lack of en- couragement from her family. Manuscript after manuscript de- parted from the Hurst honfe only to return. The voice of the colored maid, answering the postman’s ring. became a familiar sound in the hous: ‘Oh, Miss Fannie,” she would call, here are some more stories come There was a pride in her tones not justified by the situation. She ad- mired deeply the mere circumstances that her young mistress was in corre- spondence with great editors. The long envelopes containing the manu- seripts were impressive. She had no doubt about Miss Fannie's genius. Repeated rebuffs might have daunt- ed even determined Fannle Hurst ex- cept for an Incident in her sophomore year at Washington University. One day Prof. Starbird, instructor in English literature, lifted a paper before her class and said: “Here is a theme which I think the best I've ever seen. It is as good as 1 coura have done myself.” The writer of the theme, fictional in_character, was Fannie Hurst. Prof. Starbird’s declaration gave her a new grip on the future. She sent her theme to William Reedy, editor of Reedy's Mirror, a monthly magazine, and a literary power in St. Louls. Later a friend dashed madly at her waving a copy of the Mirror. “It’s in—it's in!" she shouted. Miss Hurst had been published and she rcnewed her output of stories but the larger fields were obdurate. She couldn't break in. Washington Unlversity days end- ed, with her family still hostile, she went to New York to take a grad- uate course at Columbia University. Every spare minute was spent in writing. Still her storles came back. The Saturday Evening Post returned 20 in a row. In her first year in New York she sold one story—to a “second string” magazine. But that was all. For three years she peddled her product without result “Come hom wrote her family, and Fannie Hurst, taking stock of 15 vears of fruitless effort, decided to do so. But the indomitable soul resoived on one last try. She dug up an unused letter of in- of her Marion | | “OH, MISS F 1E, HERE ARE SO! ME MORE STORIES COME BACK.” | troduction to a friend which her | mother had glven her on her coming to New York. he presented it to Governors a: THE presidential inauguration of Calvin Coolidge, who was once the Governor of Massachusetts, has occasioned the observation that more than one-third of the Nation's Chief Executives have been State govegnors before they were glevated to tRe presidency. Of the 29 men who have occupied the White House, 11 were ex-governors. New York leads the other States of the Union in this respect, having had three governors—Martin _Van Buren, Grover Cleveland and Theo- dore Roosevelt—who later became Presidents. Three other States each had two men who served them as governors previous to their election to the of- fice of President. They are: Ohio, Rutherferd B. Hayes and William Mec- Kinley; Tennessee, James K. Polk and Andrew Johnson, and Virginia, John Tyler and James Monroe. Woodrow Wilson stepped from the gubernatorial chair of New Jersey to the White House, while Calvin Cool- idge went from the governorship of the friend, but the latter at first could think of no way to agsist. Then she remembered she had an s Presidents. Massachusetts into dency and finally dency. This group, it will be noted, con- tains four of the last six Chief Mag- istrates of the Nation, and this ap- parent tendency of the people to choose a President from among those who have formerly been State gov- ernors, together with the fact that two States now have women in their highest offices, may be taken as & “sign of the times” which points to a day in the ever-nearing future when some one will combine the positions of “First Lady of the Land” and “Presidens of the United States.” And still speaking of presidential ex-governors, it may be added that Thomas Jefferson was once leader of Virginia under the old Articles of Confederation; William Henry Harri- son was the first chief of Indian Ter- ritory, which consisted of what is now six Midwestern States, dnd Chief Justice William Howard Taft served as civil governor of the Philippines prior_to his four ycars' sojourn In the White House. the into vice presi- the presi- acquaintance on & Wwoman's wear magazine. She took Fannie to her. This woman happened to be a triend of Robert H. better known ag “Bob,” Davis, editor of Munsey’s Magazine. Impressed by the vibrant personality of Miss Hurst, she drop- ped her work—it had been explained to her thut the discouraged writer had arranged to take a train to St. Louis the next day—conveyed her to the Flatiron Building and introduced her_to the editor. “What have you asked Davis. She was empty-handed. “All right,” he said, ‘go home and write a new story. Forget the old ones."” She complied, half-heartedly, and hurried the manuscript to Davis. Train-time was nearing and he sent for her at once. “Fannie Hurst, tered his office, you can Wwrite. “You have the intangible quality all good writers must have. “I can’t use this story, but that doesn’t matter. Write others.” So Fannle Hurst didn’t go back to St. Louis. A few more attempts and she “made” Munsey's. The Saturday Evening Post and other magazines tollowed. Following Davis' discovery of her she has submitted 37 stories to the Post and 36 have been accepted. (Copyright, 1925.) Searching the Workers. to show me?’ he said, as she en- 'whoever you are, employ in their products gold, silver or preclous stones suffering the {ndignity of being selected for searching, a clover Danish engineer has invented a special dpparatus. Hitherto the custom has been to stop at haphazard a certain proportion of the “handy” leaving such factories at night, thus apparently casting sus- picion upon the individual so selected. By this new. invention all this Is ob- viated, for the worker asked to ad- journ to the searching room is chosen by a machine. The apparatus consisis of a con- tainer holding a number of balls corresponding to the number of workers engaged in the factory. Some of the balls are made of a material conductive of electricity. As the workers pass to the exit they press a button, when a ball is released and colls out of the container, and a white lamp glows for a moment. In such case the worker passes on. Should one of the conducting spheres roll out, the electric current turns on a red lamp and that means that the person so indicated is one of those to be searched. As any quantity of either kind of ball can be placed in the machine beforehand, the management can decide how many or how few workers are to be indicated by the red lamp and searched ac- cordingly. the night we went out to the house | O avold workers in factories whlchl BY WALLACE TRWIN. To Editor of The Star who shou'd talk to his wife by Radio because umpossible to talk back EAREST SIR:—Last Wedsdy p. m. 1 go to Radio Party including ice cream (free) @ home of Miss Mamie Furioki & husband where Miss Mamie keep a broadcussing ap- paratix so her husband will not get too mischief while she away lectur- ing. . Fnis accasion were very brilliant Japanese society to include all mem- bership of Japanese Thinking So- ciety also Hon. Benjamin Franklin ‘Washa, famous manufacturer of wave-length progroms. When [ ar- rive up to Miss Furioki house I could hear noise of sound going simullar ! to this: “Wump—wump—r-r-r-r! Nextly on progrom will be Sir Jno McCormick, famus Irish tenortone in My Old Irish Whee-ee-ee 00 awk! " Then pound-pound from pianna could be distinctually heard while that melted tone of McCormick com- mence: “My Old Irish We-e My Old Irish z-z-z-z-z! “Husband!” holla Hon. Mamie Fu- rioki, “if you would not be so selfish and stop setting on the statick maybe we all could get 10000003 worth of music without paying lc.” “I are tired of music & harmony. derive S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist. “Twist the dial around until you get to Nebraska where we shall be sure to find a speech in the air.” So Hon. Husband twist dial, & what came out? Sounds. “This is G.U.M.P. broadcussing from Elderberry Fall We will nextly hear a lecture on How to Get Out of Publick Life by Hon Gustavus P. Elbow, nine times defeated for Con- gress on the Farmer Labor Ticket. Hon. Elbow has the air.” Noise of silence. Then out of the empty there come sound resemblin lions, tigers, kinds of meat. Goshes! I never heard so much manhood shooting at me with his mouth. “Feller sufferings,” it commence, |“we are here tonight to obtain my opinion which never before have been given so much air. I are going to talk about myself. If vou will |examine my records you will find I {have never made a cent in or out of office. Who else can say as muchly? |1 are a peculfar man & have always shown my eggerness to ade the farmer. 1 will tell you something T have always noticed about America. It need a good man to run it. & lare such an One. “Great point about me are my fear- lussness. - Of what are I afraid from? Nothing or less. What do I care| sbout Hon. Andrew Mellons, for in- |stancely? Let him stand up here & answer my charges that he are friend | of the almighty$ ! ! Putt! 1If he| should walk up to me at this in-| | stantly I would shoot mudd in his | |eve. That are sort of bravada I| |are. Also_allow me to defy Hon. Kellogg. Sec. of State, who know | less about Europe than I could tell| him in four (4) minute: He make | me sicker than the ocean. Also Hon. | Senator Borah are pretty small vege- tables while cumpared with me. If he are looking me in the eye at this moment he must quale & shivver. Nussir! There are not a man publick life today worthy to fasten on my skates. What they lack are the stern couridge of our | annslsters. Hon. Cal Coolidge some- time awake up to veto a bill, but when were he ever brave enough to kill a grizzly bear with his teeth? I e-e! from the office, T been wanting a long time to have you out, welcome to our city. just human instead of the boss, and right away I felt at home and about to enjoy myself. And also, right in a flash I seen one thing clear. It ain’t books that gives you good man- ners, and nothing can learn you true kindness of heart, which is all the etiquette 'any person really needs. (Copyright, 1925.) BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: Last Friday the 6 of March having been the birthday anniversary of the undersigned all the stores in Great Neck except the drug stores closed up at 6 pm. in the evening. A great many_men and women of both sexes when they get to be a certain age, why they cheat in regards to their age and pretend like they are a whole lot younger than they are. Personally I don't care who knows how old I am and was 40 yrs old Friday but don't feel a day over 60 and have often been taken for a boy of 55. 1 sometimes s that a person ain’t no older than they feel and age is just a matter of what condition are vou in and have you took good care of yourself. Like for inst. you take some people and by the time they get to 40 yrs. old they aiready been dead 5 to 20 yrs. and others eveh dies in infancy ‘and never reaches double figures. On the other hand look at me over 40 yrs, of age and can dress and undress myself and set up to the table and eat and read without no glasses and still enjoy going to the theater and playing bridge and can get_around the golf course as lively as John D. Rockefeller. A good many friends and admires has asked me to exclaim the secret of my longevity and how did I man- “I WAS 40 YEARS OLD FRIDAY, BUT DON'T FEEL A DAY OVER 60. AND HAVE OFTEN BEEN TAKEN FOR A BOY OF 55." / age to pass the 40 mark and be so vigorous. Well friends they ain't no secret about it. T have always either eat or drink 3 meals per day being careful to stick to the same kind of food or drink during each meal. I did not begin smoking till T was nearly 10 yrs. 0ld and have often had spells of limiting myself to 50 or 60 ciga- rettes per day to see if I realy could cut down. I have always made it a Pt to g0 to bed at lease once in 2 or 3 days unless they was something Ly hippopolomus & olherfi “THIS WAS HASHIMURA TO( Togo Learns How to Broadcast, But Arouses Unexpected Emotions. 50. BROAD CUSSING FROM STATION K.L.UX.” scorn him like I scorn them all. & If any man are sifficlently grown up to meet me hgre & now I shall unfasten myfists &lthrow them at him. For have I not studied how to gaw-gaw- GAW! ! Hon. Radio say that last report “O Husband,” yellup Miss Mamie Furioki, “crank up Hon. Radio some more 50 we can hear all those wring- ing words of that great man.” “Can’t do, thank you," say Hon Husband. “His strong breath have blown out a inner tube.” “Goshes!” mone Miss Mamie, “it are too ashamed that we cannot hear it all. Think what hero this Gustavus P. Elbow must be, standing there at station G.U.M.P., Elderberry Falls, & defying all U. §. How powerful man he must be with such nobility of lungs & muscularity of thought!” “Unfortunely,” dictate Hon. Benj Franklin Washa, Japanese radio pro- grom, “I are acquaintance of this Hon. G. P. Elbow who are sick- shouldered gentleman of 4 ft. 4 high and all the hair slipped off his brains.” “Yet how could he say such scare- devil speech without a solid brass heart?” require Miss Mamie very sad. “His wife write them for him,” | snuggest Hon. Washa. “Yet he are very bravery of man- hood,” she si & grone. “How should it?" he dib. “When man are lock-away in rain-proof ra- dio room, safe from even canary's eggs, where nobody couid shoot, or knock back, cannot he say what bravery he feel like?” “That are good way negotiate secretively. So 1 hr later while talking to this Benj. Frankiin Washa, I ask follo ing questionaire, “Dear Sir, how could Japanese schoolboy get the chance of an opportunity to talk through a Radio horn “You are invited!" holla Hon. Wa- sha cordial. ou cannot believe how happy we are to get free talk from any interesting egotism with nothing to say. Come next Frydy night to to know,” I Anybody would of thought he was¥Station KLUX & lecture on a Sub- Jeckt.” So that night, Mr. Editor, I elope to home of Mr. & Mrs. C. W. Quackmire, feeling like a new umpire. With tal- ented key I ope front door while thinking, What lecture shall I talk about from radio next Frydy night? I commence walk upstairs secretively like mosquitos skating on jelly when “I WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE O kil | Ouches! Bedroom door fly apart and there stuck Mrs. C. W, Quackmire looking like a fat nightrobe with mad hairs. “Togo,” she snarrel, “what you mean by this, if anything? When you come home too late & all home- brewed why you walk upstairs on yr iron heels? ©0 to bed more early hereafterly, you lazy bomb!" Slam- door. Silences. * % % O THAT night before sleeping I think my lecture. I shall make radio oration of title: WHY Are Folk So Cruel to Servant Girls of Both Sexes? This would be an enlarged chance for me say what 1 so dearly wish without Mrs. C. W. Quackmire to throw any furniture back at me Therefore Frydy night emerge & 1 g0 with bravery to Broadcussing Sta- tion KLUX. Hon. Benj. Franklin Washa were there Elks expression while leading me to a paddy cell contalning a glass of water & a little round talefone disk befront of me on table. “Talk at that for ten (10) minutes & say what can be passed by Bo of Censors,” dictate Hon. leave me to my voice. This are Hashimura Togo, Broad- cussing from ant Girls of Both Sexes,” dictate Hon. Spiel. So I commence. United States of America, 1 you something. I are a servant of male extraction working for Mrs C. W. Quackmire of 41144 Obelisk Ave. Because of my famus Japanese origin I are not afraid of this lady, even If she comes a ton at a time. Even when she approach to my kitchen with a dish-pan & slamm it on me like a derby hat, what I care for her? She take advantage of my weaker sex, yet that make less differ- ence with me. That lady I defy. I do so, T do! “How many other servant girls are tell with Welcome | girl | red | a.m. when you tossed a stov Washa & | Station KLUX on sub- | jeck Why Are Folks So Cruel to Serv- | longer a Servant Girl. up with Hashimura Togos! The hour Lave struck. Time have becon ripe that it are rotten. Servant G arise or do something else. I are too accustomed to that Quackmire lady to get scared of her from where 1 are now standing. She think she are han- some like Hazel Dawn. Shux! I know where she get the color of her hair from the drug store where she send me buy it. The same are true of her teeth. Only reason why I work for her are this: She would fire me if I quit. “She are so stingy that she do not pumit me leave Hon-Gas Oven on when not in use. She are not musical. Yestday she go insane because I si ool couridge suddenly heart. 1 defy you several Come out & fight me, man to Mrs. C. W. Quickmire. I are I are a Japanese Nt Hymn while breaki busy studying murders i [T stand dio, and speak to her like a hero. ‘Mrs. at me. a an, e g dishes. Sometime when I forget to cook lunching because too man American news- prints she to grow inflamed. * * WYET I here tonighg, caged up in this explosion-proof ra- C. 'W. Quackmire, I say, ‘I are not afraid of. you as I was yestday in my times. no Sa- murai! ! - When I got through with that, Mr. Editor, Hon. B. F. Washa give me a very dear handshook & say I were better than Senator Borah defying Europe by long-distance. But I no soonly approach to street when sonfe cold sweat got on my eyeballs. For there stand Cousin Nogi looking calm “you make a deliciously alarming oratio on radle. I listen at it by Y.M.C.A. After what you say all servant girls shall strike & be free & out of jobs. Also I tell you this. “Sleep with me tonight & | do mot_return back to home of Mre. there like me, kooped up in Kkitchen |C. W. Quackmire for 13 yrs.” with nothing to do evening axept go | to emotion pictures, prizefight grand opera? I did not count them. Yet for benefat of all what suffer like me, I tell them what do. brave when You see your Mrs. Boss coming. Do not move a leg. There are too many of those Quackmire la in America, stamping around house and acting like they own it merely because they pay rent “Down with Quackmire Ladies and E NIGHT FOR NO REASON, AND IDA CALLED ME BACK AND SAYS, OH, MR. L. THEY'S A PIECE OF PUMPKIN PIE ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR.” special 1 wafited to set up for. That is about all they is to my “secret” ex- cept that I have always tried to be polite to people like Dempsey and have kept away from police dogs. However, a person never knows how close they are to the Grin Reaper of death and personly I would not be here writing about my 40th birthday only for the thoughtfulness of Ida. I was leaving the house one night for no reason and she called me back and sayd Oh Mr. L. they's a big plece of pumpkin pie setting on top of the refrigerator. So I said, that is fine, thank you very much. Yes, she sald, but don't eat it because I have put rat poison all over it. Well I steered clear of the poison pie and so did the furry little fel- lows for who it was intended. Even the kiddies kept away from it and the only casuality resulting from a liberal use of rat polson around the premises has been the sad demises of 1 cat. Speaking about the kiddies who T have named the four horsemens of the metropoli on' acct. of them living so close to N. Y. though they aln’t got mo horss, why one of them come home from school the other day with the news that was the 3d best student in his class so I and her who I call the little woman was feeling very chesty in regards to same till one of the other horsemens tipped us off that they’s only 3 people to the class. That is like last fall when we was so proud of 2 of the horsemens getting on the school foot ball team and come to find_out they's only 11 male pupils outside of the kindergarten. Last Winter the main Winter sports around Great Neck was sliding down hill and spearing eels through the ice, but this yr. they seems to be more hunting than ever and I have saw dozens of hardy huntsmens passing by the house with gun on shoulder on their way to the wilds surrounding our little community and returning to their home in the evening worn out but with game bags so heavy that a new born babe couldn’t hardily lift them unless they used both hands. One nimrod of these parts who they say you can reply on his word give out the news the other night that he had shot 2 squirrels in less than 24 hrs. beating the former record of one rabbit for that length of time but Get | home of Mrs. “Why so long time?” I narrate with & | frozen hair. “Because this” he divulge. “She went to a Radio Party tonight at Oscar Bluehammer & for some cute reason she fell out of a windew while listening. 1 am gabberflasted. Hoping you are the same Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyrighs, 162 Politeness to Neighbors Like Dempsey, One Secret of Long Life at Great Neck the rabbit had evidently been ran over by an automobile a few minutes before the ®huntsman brought him down. It looks like laws would half to ba past to preserve our game or the next thing you know Great Neckers will be obliged to go elsewhere for their sport. Already some of our nimrods is complaining and those that takes a dog along with them when they hunt has been known to get so de perate by nightfall that they have shot down the dog. The fur is used for motor robes and the bark for chair bottoms. Officials of the railroad company have noticed that lately the evening express trains home from the city has been pretty near empty, whereas the locals has been filled to overflowing. The officials believe that the com- muters has found that the express trains don’t give them quite time enough to finish the cross-word puz- zle before they are home and the Mrs. snatches the paper out of their hand. That is about all the Great Neck news except that the undersigned had a operation and was laid up in the hospital pretty near a wk. and nobody seem to care a ndughty 4 letter word. Touch Delusion. 'HE varioys “optlcal illusions” by means of which straight lines are caused to appear crooked and objects of equal size are rendered, to all ap- pearance, decidedly unequal are more or less familiar to everybody but there are others equally striking that are not so frequently experi- mented with. A French savant has pointed out several surprisingly easy ways in which we are misled in our perception of heat and cold and of preseure. A simple and convincing experiment of this kind may be tried in the fol- lowing manner: Take two silver dol- lars and place one of them upon a marble table, or mantel, while the other is rubbed briskly between the hands. In this manner a slight dif- ference of temperature between the two metals will be produced. Then ask some one to incline head backward, closing his eyes. Lay the warm dollar on his forehead for a moment, remove it, and quickly sub- stitute the cold one. You will hardly be able to convince him that they are of equal weight. The cold plece always seems to be much heavier than- the other. The explanation of this phenomenon is that the metal which has been rubbed between the hands has as- sumed nearly the same temperature as that of the body, and when it is placed upon the forehead the sense of touch is affected by the pressure alone. But the metal which has been cooled, being at a lower temperature than the skin, affects the sense in a double manner, and the subject of the experiment, not being able to distin- guish cleafly between the effects, in- stinctively ‘ascribes the entire sensa- tion to pressure alone.