Evening Star Newspaper, July 8, 1923, Page 71

DY WALLACE IRWIN To the Editor of The Star. who do not | care for any more wars since the | Battle of Shelby. { EAREST SIR: Yestdy pm.| while I was in Hon. Kitchin of Mrs. & Mr. C. W. Quackmire, | bathing dishes, who should | arrive in but Cousin Nogl, who come See me more regular now that he are Jobless and get some Russian Reliet off the bread box. ‘Togo,” he report for news, “Arthur | Kickahajama have just returned | from Europe where he have been | traveling to sell new Ford car that/ can be folded into a bath tub. He are deliciously disappointed in his trip because Europeans have no bath- | rooms, thu making it difficult to find a garage for this remarkabilious patent. He say he will visit some ANgF continent next time he tey. to se] anything. Maybe it will be Africa. “American ottos, firecrackers, wash- ing machines, callyopes, pruies, dyes and other German patents cannot find £ood market in Europe. How alermed this look! German mark are now so low it have to fly in an airship to reach an angle worm. Indeedly, what € are Hon. World arriving at?" “You answer that” I invite with Leviathan expression. “America must restore balance of trade,” he say so distinctually. “T do not know what that mean,” I narrate, “but I know it will cost money." ‘ * ¥ ok ok S$SALANCE of trade are cunning arrangement of cash by which buyer & seller can both profiteer: Thusly, when a French Hoteller charge American tourist 10§ for a 2§ room and Hon. Tourist pay him with Confederate bills, that are called Bal- ance of Trade. But such are not the case today. Those 199,000 American tourists what travel daily to battle fields find grateful Belglum refusing to take their money unless they are sure it are not counterfit. Under thus circumstances can you blame Hon. France for seezing Roar Basin for the benefat of European peace’ “I also would steal coal wherever| I could find it" are brite report for me. “Yes, indeedly, Europe are Very diseased because her trade got so umbalanced. Please imagine Ger- many. Prof. nstein, resident of that talented country, are now work- ing with his curved brain to dish- cover where the mark is going and what he can do with it when found. He are working out some darnly high mathmaticks like following mental artthmatick. “‘If Hans can save 2 pfennig pr weel from his wages as dog-catcher when can he afford to get married at present rate of exchange? " T could not think that answer so soon. so 1 said something. “Mrs. C. W. Quackmire.” I renig, “got back from Germany a few months of yore. In that suffering land she found canditions so pressed | ¥ that she cannot get over being sorry. She found a place in Berlin, she tell, where Paris hats are sold for llc. Her greef was sucn that she pur- chased S. In Hamburg she dishcov- ered French mudile gowns marked 13 each, 3 for 2§. It broke her heart #0 she ordered 12. Her husband got | some German pants for § bushels of marks or 50c. Think how he suf- fered:” “He must,” say could wear German vatns* Nog! pants “Nobody without R $6I)Y changing 28 into marks & pay ing fc. extra for a moving van {ninny y ht. Rhine wine, a horse, a shirt and everything necessary to Upstairs Society will be included. No extra charge.” “O goshes!” holla Nogi. was in Germany now with 1 could afford all the vulgarity nave always craved.” “But stopp!” I snarrel 1 wish T 1 “Before be- | coming a enemy allian please to look at the other side of the photo. You have gone to Germany and got change for your $5. Yes. You are now a bullionaire. You are richer than John D. Morgan,.J. Pierpont Rocke- feller and Rupert Hughes, all added up. You eat in goldy dining rooms filled with marble pillows and grand pictures of Gotterdamerung swearing at Parsifal. Any time, day & night you can order champain, coffee. choco- late or soda water at whimm. Then what?" Nogi are disabled to reply “Then come time when vou board with luxury. Like all Japa- nese you wish to get back to America as soonly as pussible. Therefore you sell your palace, your swimming tank, your brewery for 3§ & %0e U. 8. A Then how you arrive back to N. Y. without walking acro: Atlantie, which cannot be done too are gi commence in coffee which he borra from me “Yes.” he sub. "I am fearful that trade are still unbalanced. Fault of this are Congress. How can Europe ever get harmony again while Amer- ica holds a Loof?" “Holds a whiches?" | with upper eyebrows “A Loof.” dictate Nogi “What are a Loof?" I Hon. Will Rogers * ko % € A LOOF are something patented by Henry Crabbot Lodge. L weey cup of ask to know require like to carry it in one can go shopping for a palace, a sossage factory or a were invented for purpose of keeping America out of trouble when she are Then | SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, Yot re out holds it ‘lll and in trouble when she America gets her whenever she observe nations coming this way alphabetically, beginning with Asia and Arabia and ending with Zanzibar and Zululand.” 1 shall get a manipulate. “It next you ask “1 are talking Events.” dib Nog going around vers Look out or som America Loot and Loof of my own.” § will be useful when ra my safety razzor.” ut International “The world are ed of lately 1 get whirled help. but will ody w could he make Pe ask conundrumly “Yes. But she have m kinds. Which fla Wilson Peace, steer with 14 points to the compass, or Harding Peace with only 1 point. and that pussibly wrong? Shall you have the Peace which Hon. Ford hunt in a hired boat or the kind which Hon Borah love so much that he won't let anybody have it?" “There is Wm. Jenny in for Hon died.” collapse Noxi he? He have lectur long that he have relsome to stay buried “We are in a most curio | 1 revoke. “Politicians must to keep out of war w Republikan or Demo- ut how, oh how? Did we not try the 4z Power Treaty make nations disarm themselves Yet that were faflure.” “Quite revers dib Nogi "It were great succ nce that treaty England have been disarming so fast that she now controll the entire ocean up to the 3 mile limit. That | Peace, are not?" <P that passeth understanding.” I narrate do she 1o SEC vor do prefer? Ship of State vou Iso the peace which Hon Bryan have been resting 1 daliy forth know that he “And why should a become oo quar- position.” find some way ithout fending either cratick parties are ARE NOW A BULLIONAIRE.” uA r arising up where my hat was pegged on a nail above Hgn. Kitchin Sink, “this Inter- national Situation are as full of vex as it can be. Hi-ho! I worry. But I have moments of uptomism. For instancely, do you not thing that na- tions, kingdoms, etc. can be pulled t of scrapes by sweethearted finan- clers?? “How ny rates,” decry Nogi while and walking to thus? 1 ask to know system of borrowage & * he amplify 1 lock up both my pockets. sniffing rats in his commencement “How you should work said bor- rowage & loanage?” 1 snarrel like a bank “For wher loan- instancely He reach to my Sabbath derby was pegged to wall. “Let this hat be an illus- trator. | am Germany, needing more style with which to obtain new job in a refined business > what? You have hated rrmerl but can't afford to now. because with new job I shall pay back both the sox 1 borra from you maybe. What now?" Nogi put hat on his depraved hair. “You are England. qui to caress me back pre ause you then can see Miss Suzi-san for marriage purposes. So now you how Europe can be saved from herself?" he require while king down steps. Hold back!" 1 wale you borra from me wa a street car” “In international loans.” say Nogi for sweetly smiling, “smallish per- sonal matters are less than nothing. Good by for to day. Togo. You have saved Europe™ he walked leaving Luzanne Hoping you are the same Yours trul HASHIML A TOGO. 923, U S and Great Britai American Newspaper Alliance. me to perity wear sox and g wa ‘Last hat stepped on by So away like a Turk by The Column of Social Chit-Chat a la Leacock Humorist Gives His Idea of How BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. NOTICE that it is customary for some papers to publish a column or o of society gossip. They generally head it “Chit-Chat” or “On Dit” or “Le Boudoir,” or something of the sort, and they keep it pretty full of French terms to give it the proper sort of swing. These columns may be very interesting in their way, but it always seems to me that they don't get hold of quite the | right things to tell us about They are very fond. for instance, | of giving an account of the delighttul dance at Mrs. De Smythe's—at which Mrs. De Smythe looked charming in a gown of old tulle with a stomacher | of passementerie—or of the dinner | party at Mr. Alonzo Robinson's resi- dence, or of the smart pink tea given by Miss Carlotta Jones. No, that's all right, but it's not the kind of thing we want to get at; those are not the events which happen in our neighbors' houses that we really want to hear bout. It is the quiet little family wcenes, the little traits of home-life that—well, for example, take the case of that delightful party at the De Bmythes. T AM certain that all those who were present would much prefer a little | paragraph like the following, which | would give them some idea of the home-life of the De Smythes on the morning after the party. On Wednesday morning last at 7:16 a.m., a charming little breakfast was served at the home of Mr. De Smythe. The dejeuner was given in honor of Mr. De Smythe and his two sons, Master Adolphus ahd Master Blinks De Smythe, who wefstabout to leave for their daily travail at their wholesale Bureau de Flour et de Feed. All the gentlemen were very quietly dressed in their habitis de work. Miss Melindo De Smythe poured out tea, the domestique having refuse to get up so early after the partie of the night before. The menu was very handsome, con- sisting of eggs and bacon, demi-froid, and ice cream. The conversation was sustained and lively. Mr. De Smythe sustained it and made it lively for his daughter and his garcons. In the course of the talk Mr. De Smythe stated that the next time he allowed the young people to turn his maison topsy-turvy he would see them in ‘)snfen ‘ He wished to know if they were aware that some ass of the evening betore had broken a pane of coloured glass In the hall that would cost him four dollars. DId they think he was made of argent. I so, they never ¢ ok ok K v ‘:THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE WAS HU made a bigger mistake in their vie. The meal closed with general expres- sions of good feeling. A little bird has whispered to us that there will be no more parties at the De Smythes’ pour long-temps. Here is another little paragraph that would be of general interest in society. Y ESTERDAY evening at haif after six a pleasant little diner was given by Madame McFiggin of Rock street. to her boarders. The salle a manger was very prettily decorated Wwith texts, and the furniture up- holstered with chev eux de horse, Louis Quinze. The boarders were all very quietly dressed: Mrs, McFiggin ‘was daintily attired in some old cling- ing stuff with a corsage de Whale- bone underneath. The ample board groaned under the bill of fare. The boarders groaned also. Their groan- ing was very noticeable. The plece de resistance was a hunko de beefe boile, flanked with some old clinging stuff. The entrees were pate de pumpkin. followed by fromage Mo- Figgin, served under gla; * ok ok % 0 DE BEFFE BOILE.” ) Towards the end of the first course. | speeches Lecame the order of the day Mrs. McFiggin was the first speaker. In commencing. she expressed her surpylse that so few of the gentlemen seemed to care for the de beefe! her own mind, she said, had hesitated between hunko de beefe boile and a pair of roast chickens (sensation). She had finally decided in favor of the hunko de beefe sensation). She referred at some length to the late Mr. McFiggin, who had always shown a marked preference for hunko de beefe. Several other speaker fol- lowed. All spoke forcibly and to the point. The last tu speak was the Rev. Mr. Whiner. The reverend gentleman, in rising, said that he con- fided himself and his fellow boarders to the special interference of Provi- dence. For what they had eaten, he sald, he hoped that Providence would make them truly thankful. At the close of the repas several of the boarders expressed their intention of going down the street to a pestou- Irong 1o get quelque chose a manger. hunko (no it Should Be Written. [{ERE is another example. How in- teresting it would be to get a detailed account of t little affair the Robinsons’. of which the neighbors only heard indirectly! Thus Yesterday the family of Mr. Alonzo Polinson spent a very lively evening | their home on ——th avenue. The socasion was, the seventeenth birth- duy of Master Alonzo Robinson, junior. 1t was the original inten- tic of Master Alonzo Robingon to celebrate the day at home and invite a few of les garcons. Mr. Robinson, cenior, however, having declared that he would be damne first, Master Alonzo spent the evening in visiting the salons of the town, which he painted rouge. Mr. Robinson. senior, spent the eve- ning at home in quiet expectation of his son's return. He was very be- coming dressed in a pantalon qua- tre vingt treize. and had his whippe de dogge laid across his knee. Madame Robinson and the Made- moigelles Robinson wore black. The suest of the evening arrived at a late hour. He wore his habits de spree. and had about six pouces of eau de vie in him. He was evidently full up to his ¢ou. For some time after his arrival a very lively time was spent. Mr. Robinson having-at length broken the whippe de dogge. the fam- fly parted for the night with expres- «ions of cordial good will X (Copyright, 1923.) Noiseless “Fog-=Horn.” THISHS the name given to a sig- naling device to prevent collisions at sea. Part of it consists of a siren that by means of high-pressure steam { will produce powerful air waves with the low frequency of fourteen or fifteen vibrations a second. It is con- tended that these waves, although too low for the human ear to hear, have a great penetrating power. When they are interrupted by some object, such as a ship, a clift or an they are, it Is said, reflected or echoed back to a special receiving apparatus on the deck of the vessel. Since this receiver is fitted with an ipgenious apparatus for registering the strength of the reflected vibra- tions, it may be possible to learn the distance and even the nature of the object that has intercepted the sound waves. The siren Is designed to be {mounted on deck so that at night or in a fog, when the presence of ice- bergs or of other ships is suspected, it can be turned in various directions to explore the sea ahead of the ship. The apparatus ix said to be still in an experimental stage. | i iceberg | JULY 8, I 1923—PART 5. Old Reliable Moralizes on Such Things As Kinks and Curl Papers BY HARRIS DICKSON. ROM his accustomed perch on the Colonel's top step Old Re- Hable squinted upward, his beady black eyes twinkling with malicious glee at a bluff that Col. Spottiswoode was putting over. Zack didn’t blame the colonel, for Miss Dora Spencer was a powerful temptatious young girl. And busier than a bird dog. Since her arrival this afternoon to visit Miss Betty Spottiswoode she hardly tarried in the house long enough to powder her nose before she hustled Miss Betty to the beauty parlor. After the hub- bub of departure quieted the colonel and Zack resumed their interrupted {confab until the girls returned scampering like squirrels up the front walk. Uncle! Oh, Uncle!” Betty called in advance. “Just look at Dora's per- {manent wave.” | Her tone of high elation induced Old Rellable to look for something lmighty big and grand; but he couldn’t {see a thing except the little vanity | case which Miss Dora had toted when she hurried down town, Col. Spottis- woode arose most gallantly, a tall and grizsled figure In white Justing her eyeglasses as the flattered Dora removed her hat, gingerly as she might have removed a fractious I hen from the nest first observed her fussed-up hair. Round and round Miss Dora re- volved, presenting every contour of her head for the colonel’s inspection “Huh Old Zack smothered his dis- gust. “It's dat newfangled way white igals is got o' puttin' kinks in deir hair—which niggers is strugglin’ to {git ‘em out.” frizzly, fluted, * o x ox | ALTHOUGH Col. Spattiswoode felt <} the urge of applauding under his own roof, Zack figured that he needn’t cock his head sideways like a wise old jaybird, an’' carry onesuch ad- miration. “It's wonderful, my dear. Wonder- ful'" He was still taking on mightily when Rena, the starchy housegirl, ap- peared in the doorway, with a horri- lfled expression at the ruination of |Miss Dora's beautitul straight hair. Then the two girls raced upstairs to dress, for Dora was entering upon that most desirable career known as “a rush.’ “Whew!" With a sidelong glance {at Old Reliable, the colonel eased down guiltily into his rocker. He knew that Zack accepted him as gospel au- thority on dogs and horses, on whisky nd poker, shotguns and fishing tackle —Dbut not on the orthodox construc- tion of a permanent wave. So he pufted at his cigar and waited for the negro to unload what itched him unnel.” Zack remarked. “dat's what make me say what 1 do 'hout folks ain't never satisfled wid what jdey got.” | O THE Editor: One of toughest problems faced the people that indulges in su | called games of chance like craps, poker, bridge whist, chemin de fer and kindred ilks is the problem {of how to quit when winner and still {give the losers the impression that you wished you did not half to :|uxl ! Personly 1 ain’t hardly evel been bothered by this problem but have seén it faced numberable times by parties that is blest with horse shoes |Whi('h the undersigned certainly is not owing to a all wise providence {svatem of giving one person luck, an- ! other beauty, another brains and ete. IAnd the methods employed by the lucky ones to try and create the above named impression is crude that they would seem funny if they did not occur at a time when they didn’t seem ! tunny. | {1 IKE for the by P inst. 1 was amongst I heavy sugar men in a so called {friendly stud game-2 or 3 weeks ago land one of the other boys was also {way behind and I was setting almost lopp. him and I never seen nobody so wide awake and finely he win 5 pots in succession and was more winner than he had been loser and all of a sudden he was ceased with a attack of sleeping sickness though it could not of been more than 4-o'clock and when he yawned you could of throwed a basket ball down Iis throat and they had to dash ice water in his face when it was his turn to deal So he had to cash in and go to bed and the only wonder was that he could make such a accurate count of his checks while practally uncon- scious. About a 1-2 hour later an- other member of the winning team begin to groan with indigestion and when we ast him did he want to quit he would say no but he said it in tones “IF ELVA IS A BIG WINNER HE SHOVES HIS CHECKS AT THE BANKER, SAYS HE HAS GOT TO GO TO THE FIRE, A DASHES OUT OF THE HOUSE.” like the death whinnies of a poisoned tweel and the game finely broke up in a wave of sympathy. Another time honored method that ain’t quite so crude is prepared for in advance. .This is to have the Mrs. stay home and call you up every so often and sooner or later ome of her calls is libel to coincide with the time you the | linens, ad- | That's when Zack | “WHITE GALS IS PUTTIN® KINKS IN DEIR HAIR.” “How so, “Tt's Dora fust sot foot in yo Rena Zack fs way, Cunnel When Miss house I cotch starin’ at her in a maze. jes mirin' an’ ‘mirin’ dat bunch o straight hair. 1 knowed what Rena was studyin’, cause her own kinks is %0 tangled up she can't do mnothin’ wid ‘em. ‘sprised when she seen how Miss Dora done kinked up her long, straight hair. ordee, Cunnel when Rena was co'tin Alec. an’ couldn’t hardly injuce Alec to 10 car, cause Rena had him? erly whilst a ooman's co'tin squirm an’ twis’, an’ ¥ trap to ketch dat man. Tt sholy tickled me to see Rena, watchin® A ontil he drove out de gate; den she'd grab a comb an’' wrastle wid dem kinks, pullin’ an’ tuggin’, nigh jerkin’ ‘em out by de but Rena wouldn't 'fess it hurt o sirree! Ef a gal breaks her neck in six places for a man, she cornsiders dat a pleasure—ontil she gits him. * % % % «“RLACK gals is got tighter Kinks patch which can't dan yaller ones, wuss'n a briar rai squeez through. Huh!" Zack chuc bits ain't what dey’s roustin’ you drive Nach- she'll set e kind o' a led. “Rab- out wid == Dat's why Rena ‘peared so | |is mot a gal does vou 'member | dem two combs, big comb an’ little -one starter an’ one ketcher. ‘pears like de fust minute ecomb Cunnel, it a black gal grows big enough to take wid her wool Soon weans ‘em an’ d shuts up squallin’ for milk dey commences hollerin’ for a comb. Ev'y do'step on Sherwood plantation ontanglin’ dem kinks, wid her mouf screwed up an' eyes a bulgin’. Aln't you seen ‘em stretchin’ one stran’ at a time, big as a lefid pencil, an' wroppin' it wid strings, same as little boys wrops a base ball bat? Dat holds {t straight till de strings bust, den de wool tangles up agin; cause nigger kinks is powerful sot in deir ways “Induri of her co'tin’ time Rena performed like all de balance of ‘em, ontil dis hair-doctor ooman, named Maddam, hit Vicksburg, an’ spread her glad tidings of great joy, ‘For Colored Only'—dat's how she stuck up her sign. Dese gals jes stampeded to give Maddam deir wages. An' Maddam shaly made Rena look a sight, by whitewashin’ Rena’s face wid some pink ashes. “An' de joke notice she begins a workin as mammy was dat Rena never *spicioned Alec of sneakin' to Joe Swint's barber sop an' takin' dis ‘Loadstone Treatment! " DOWN HIS THROAT.” the boys that vou got to get home right away as the baby has swallowed some sheet music. * ok ok & HE trouble with this system is that a good many wifes won't stay home and if they do stay home they seem to have a kind of a prejudice Jve. getting up to telephone between |3 and 4 in the A. M | So much for the crude methods in gen. usages and now I am going to tell you about a friend of mine that has originated some methods of his own and so far they ain't been no- body suspected him. This is a man named Elva Waffle and during day times he is a tree tickler by. trade but makes his heavy dough nights at the gaming board Well Elva lives in a suburb which s right neur 5 other suburbs and each of the & suburbs has got a lease one fire. house so they ain’t hardly a 1-2 Lr. pasces day or night when you can't hear & fire whistle blowing. So Elva bought himself a badge that says on it the Ever Ready fire dept. and he always wears this badge where you can't help from seeing it. Well we will say one of the fire whistles blows and if Elva is a big winner he shoves his checks at the banker, says he has got to go to the fire and dashes out of the hoyse willy nilly. If he is a looser when the siren sounds and one of the other guests asks him why don't he go to the fire, he says you poor sap dow't you “IT COULD NOT OF BEEN MORE THAN 4 O'CLOCK. AND WHEN HE YAWNED YOU COULD HAVE THROWED A BASKET BALL are ready to quit and then You g0 |know the difference betwaen the Ever back to the table and tell the rest of | Ready whistle Vive whistle? and the Qui But Elva ain't a sucker enough to lalways pull the same stuff in the same joint. He scheme whicl is said to of been another thought up has got | by Ba Reulbach when the last named was pitching for the Cubs * ko % ng a game vs. Brooklyn and between innings he save to Mgr. Chance 1 tell you what I will do. 1 will eat some soap and when I get out there next innings 1 will have a fit and froth at the mouth and the erowd will go into a panic and swarm down on the field and the um- pires will half to forfeit the game to Chicago Well Elva always has a shaving cream in his pocket and when he sees it is time for him to quit h secretly take: and the next minute he begins froth- ing at the mouth and making funny nolses and as a rule the ggme breaks up Instantum as very few people even loosers cares to play in a game with a man that is conducive to fits. Another one of Elva's tricks is to g0 to a poker party with a bag of chocolate creams which he has warm- ed up over a gas jet before leaving home. When he feels ltke he has win enough for one evening he pulls out the bag of chocolates and passes them around but they won't nobody take one as they look terrible. So Elva eats them himseif and gets his hands all smeared up and it atn’t [P Was1 tube of :| a swig out of the tube | | “Loadstone?" Col | quired: Spottiswoode “that’s a_new one on me * % % % in TEW thing on ev'ybody, Cunnel | *" beto' Joe Swint fotch it Vicksburg. Howsomever, on Saddy nights 1 got a front seat in his shop to watch Alec take his'n. Here coms | Alec. marchin’ in wid his jaw sot | same as bracin’ hisself to git his baci teef snatched out. ‘Ready, Alec” sa | Swint, whilst Al-. gripped de bar ber's chair wid bofe hands, kinder blinked one eye. an' drawed a deep {breath. So Swint picks up de ja: | which holds his magic hair straight- ener an’ 'gins to operate on Alec Fust he curries Alec's head to scratch |it raw; den he rubs in de hot stuff | whilst Alec holds on tight, an' his eyes pop out like a crawfish. An’ Alec can't holler on account o' de shop bein’ jammed wid niggers, which would laugh. So Alec grins whils de sweat rolls off his face an’ splat ters on de floor. “No matter how Alec squirms an wiggles, Joe Swint keeps gougin' his head an’ rubbin' in de fire. After Swint shampoos Alec wid cold water he squirts on a mess o' pink juice | which makes Alec smell powerful stout. Dat juice gits dem kinks | ready to be plastered flat on Alec's | head, an’ parted in de middle. ‘Gim- me a dollar,’ says Swint, whilst Alec climbs outer de chair, wid a swarm of customers ‘zaminin’ his head to see ef his kinks is gone. Huh! Dem treatments made Alec's kinks come straight; an' dat greasy pink stuff held ‘em plastered flat, jest 'bout long enough for Alec to hustle home ar ! show off befo' Rena “Cunntl, it nacherly was a sin de way Joe Swint mopped up. Dollars was rollin’ in so rapid dat Joe skacely took time to sweep 'em in a corner | wid his broom. By Chuseday night he | bought one o' dese ‘stallment auty { mobiles, an' would ha’ paid for it, too ef twarn't for that miscue he made on Elder Watts."” “How was that?’ asked the colonel * x ok % u\\/’ELL. Cunnel, T seen it; but no- body didn't know ‘zactly how 'twas, 'cause dat crowd in de barber shop got to argufyin' so swift when de elder's wool pulled off his head an' de hide come wid it. He looked like a hound dog wi de mange. an | hollered dat his head was scorchin’ to & frazzle from dat cornsecrated hell- fire which Joe poured on it. But Joe 'sputed back an’' claimed dat Elder Watts' head was so tender an’ he had no business tryin' to raise straight hair like white folks. Dat's when Elder Watts got so peevish dat he grabbed a chair an' made Joe's head look wuss'n his'n. An’, Cunnel, whilst he was smashin’ Joe's bottles off de shelf, dem reemarks de elder made never sounded like nary minister o de gospel.” (Copyright. 1 long before they ain’t a deck of cards left in the house that decent people would play with. Those is only 3 of Elva's little stock of ingenuities and he has ast me (o not reveal no more of them but make people do their own thinking and planning like he done and I will say for Elva that he has been so success ful with his schemes that he plans to soon give up card playing entirely and devote all his time to tree tick ling which acts on him like a drug RING W. LARDNER Great Neck, Long Island. July 6 Removal of a Town. T is not an uncommon event for families who have lived in a house until it is neither clean nor habit able to overcome the difficulty by moving fnto another dwelling, but it ts much less common to see a whole community adopting the same plan This, however, is the method by which | the Japanese are attempting to solve the problem of providing sanitary ac- commodation for the inhabitants of a dirty and unhealthy town. Teukcham, an important center of trade in Formosa. was found too dirty 1o be made even moderately healthful 1t was decided that it would be cheap er and easier to remove the inhabi- tants to another site. Accordingly one March the 40,000 inhabitants of Teukcham were or dered to prepare for removal from the infected and swampy ground on which the town stood. and to take up their abode on a hillside several miles away Here streets were laid out responding to those of the old town Every property-owner received a plot of land similar in size and position to that which belonged to him before the change. The new town has sewers, railroads. sidewalks, public buildings, water works and other im- provements, all provided at govern- | ment expense. With further assistance given by | the government the transfer was ef- |fected within twelve months, and thag without any great amount of individ- ual loss and hardship. Origin of Lake Life. lI.\’TERESTING studies have been Il made by Monti on the earliest forms of life appearing in the Alpine tlakes. One of these, the lake of the | Seracs, has been created within human memory, and it seems to justify the statement that the first living forms in habiting lakes are of a vegetable nature + Only five living species are found in the lake of the Seracs, all of them plants and four of the order of diatoms. In the older lakes of Ong and of Tignaga animal fornis begin to appear, feed- ing upon the diatoms. The first two steps in the populating of a lake, ac- cording to Monti's conclusions, are, first, the appearance of diatoms ab- sorbing car ~‘c acid dissolved in the water, a1 appearance of simple a inisms, such as rhizopods, .. nourishment de- pends upon the pre-cXisting vegetable forms. Geologists have supposed that the first living forms in the oceans were vegetable. cor