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; THE S UNDAY STAR, WASHI NG! Noble Thoughts on Charity Drives Evolved by the Jap_anese Schoolboy SAYS WALLACE IRWIN. To Editor who know that it are more blassed to glve than to | recelve, but not so convenient, | EAR SIR: Yestdy am. my| Cousin Nogi approach up to me with news in his excita- ble hands. He shows me that paper information from which I could | read following literary shock: | AWFUL SCANDLOUS EVENT! Rather Beautiful & Slightly Young Society Budd Shot Nine Times Because SHE WERE CAUGHT DRIVING With Some Other Fella!! 1 collapse while reading that blgeding news, “'so somebody have at jlastly been punished for it. This voungish lady were caught driving. She had driv tao far. She drove one Tella pretty mad. ‘So Wal' W€ yellup, ‘there will be one (1) less Driver in T. S A and ¢ ja. Swatt-the-Fly Drives, Don't-Hang-the-Baby-on-the- Fire-Escape Drives, Own-Your-Own Taxicah Drives—all these shall over if [ can shoot price of bullets do hands of Sugar Trust. Maybe, practice murdering lons enough I ¢ find the yg. La who first rted Smile Week. Opium Smokers® Week and all the other Weeks that goes around starting parades and tng the ¥ T don't < took st th gun When next observed he were driving fn jail-wagon.” “You are talking renig my Cousin Nogi Budd what got shot Charity Drive.” “What were she in kyrate. ‘A Hen Ford,” he ““Principal are the ftize. “Both are cheap to hard-to stop without d: averybody have got one, folks is driving without a license. “T shall write that news in Japanese and send him to Tokyo Daily bun,” report Nogi and walk back Mr. Editor. T shall relate to how 1 got such a bitter hooch about Drives which are too frequent Tast Wedsdy p.m. (layoff) 1 was wal &g with myself up Stylish Ave- nue when T saw something amazed. Some scenery from Heaven had been moved into that street. Flags of all nations. oflcloth tents, ice cream and very sweetened young ladies were there. surrounded by Boy Scouts of both sexes. Music by Handelkraut' Tron Saxophone Band. which play, “You Better Smile.” while over Hon. Gate T observe one enlarged sign COME IN FREE “So ha!" like Hollywood, “That Societ. were not in T did not cost me Ic to walk in. That make me feel pretty patriotick, by golly. But what happen- then? Next I could tell up come Young Lady con- taining cansiderable gold on her hair | and pretty soclety look all over her face. | Old Reliable Knocks Out The Darwinian,Theory BY HARRIS DICKSON. HEIR daily conference debated upon cosmic affairs at the Hot "at Eating House, with id isble leading the discusslon, and Bud Lowe stirring up his stove. Uncle Sandy Spriggs.-held solemn countenance, spitting into the saw-| dust box, while Corp. El Mundy | squinched his face into such resem- | blance of a chimpanzee that an un- | conscious association of ideas - led thelr chairman to sound his keynote: “Cunnel tells me dey's ’‘sputtin mightily dat ev'ybody comes from monkeys.” “Monkeys?” Uncle Eli snorted “Chu. Same as frogs hatches from tadpoles, an' skeeters lavs "em. Dey | claim dat people growed up from monkeys de same way. juced a lot mo’ folks to git riled and | “0 BUY MY FLOWERS. “0 They “That which buy m, Dorothy but per > too much price for pozies like female beauty oniy “1 shall not need to 4th when my {d to his 11th ¥ e manipulate m. “See! e pa; fi ster,” 1 develop. until July will be ma How upprépriate’” izies are Dust them every 2 weeks and they will n » fresh for word: made be t “1 have 58, ‘Could you burst that, perhapsly should worry about us no less than I collapse. When nex my 5% and eloped wi M 2! 1 holla. picketted right square Mayor and everybody. here to be robb. “Why not 07" require another Venus with her pretty black eye as she come up toy baloons. “If you are dishgusted with robbery, why should you come to a Drive?” “Drive?” T snagger. (1) of those!” “h-nuh!" she nudge intellectually. if convenient, please educate What are you driving at with all 1 expense?” e forgotten again!” she rate, scratching her memory. “There are so many drives nowadays nnot remember all, can 1? Let It can't be the $1,000,000 ldiot Asylum Drive—that was last week. Or was it the the week before? | Of the 2.000,000,0003 Home for Hope- | less Policemen Drive? I am reely confused. Tessle!” she holla to sweet | ¥ 1 knew it she had took been pock- in front of the 1 did not arrive to sell me “So this is one | on me stove a barely tolerated intruder who had no business.sticking in his lip. Yet Sonny Ringo sniggered as | he glanced at Uncle ElIf and re- marked ‘Some folks sho do favor monkeys.” “'Tain't de way dey looks,” Old Reliable promptly moderated Sonny’s innuendo, “but de way dese white folks cornduck deirselves which make the cunnel say he more'n half believes dey used to be monkeys. ‘Ceptin’ de tail, he couldn't hardly | tell em apart. | s mornin’ cunnel was chucklin’ | over sump'n in his newspaper when | he bust out laughin’ an' 'spress his- | selt, “Zack, 1 wishes you could r¢ad | dis. Dey's gone to fightin' windmills | agin, one windjammer oratin’ aginst | Which in-| t'other, an’ ‘sputifyin’ 'bout dis here | cunnel say. theery. Dey raise such a chatter it| | so-an’-so, an’ save de country.’ SHE MANIPULATE WITH DOROTHY GOSH EXPRESSIO! driver with vanilla “what are this drive f to know." zot there” report Hon. . “I did my hair in such a hurry this morning I forgot to look in the papers. So sorry, excuse me! There comes an intuxicated millionalre to who I shall rell a case of fireproof lipsticks Perhup complexions, r? This queer me ¥ 2 he better go talk to Mrs. Barnun are Head Driver today.” mnarrate that nice Baloon Maiden and rushoff henswaggle Hon. Millionare. HEREFORE Barnum. 1 find that enlarged lady with very ulcereted pearls in her ear while she kept books and looked like a Ntl. Bank. “Mrs. Madam,” I ask to know, “how come it I pay 63 for 2 Woolworth papsies “Because you was too depraved to offer 105" she say very smarly and kept more books. “Can it be pussible that vou gruj money for such great Cause?” “But what are object of this drive?" T require “Object of all Drives is to Drive,” she growell like a female god. “What could be nobler than that? Ener, Affishency. Hew to the line, let the checks fall where they will. I have divided U. S. and Canada up into zZones so that no town, howeverly backward, shall be without jts drive, more & verily! We have arranged with radio so that requesh for more money can come through every roo with bedtime story. Drive on, my horsemen! That shall be our slugan. y to I go seek for Mrs eyes an’ figger on how dey done gradual changed outer apes, scram- blin' on all fours an’ grabbin' from each other. An' dey ain't quit grab- bin® since dey larnt to stan’ on deir| behtne legs. Mavbe in a million years, little by little, dey shed’deir |Dbird, then asked cause tails won't fit dese new- | tails, fangled breeches got, dey wears high *sembles in cornventions: has dese talkin' clubs wherd one ape say 'Less do ais’ An’ t'other ape 'ply back, ‘No. Less do dat’' Den evybody shuts up whilst de main ole he-ape layg down his gospel, ‘We'll do- it Atter all deir hullabaloo nothin’ don’t git did, ’cept a lot o' chatderin’. D'ain't no diffunt ffom monkeys—dat's what Now dese apes we collars an’ o argufy back dat dey ain't kin to nary | do put me In mind o’ dat passel o' |S6JUH! Cunnel téie me aac white gorilier. So dere A gangling hoy ou is.” | loafed beside the | which us seen in de trees | Landin’. T kin shut bofe | monke: at Afriky AN SONNY RINGO SNIGGERED AS HE G! DO FAVOR MONKEYS.” LANCED AT UNCLE ELI AND REMARKED: folks squabble so much ‘bout whar dey come from, dey ain’t payin’ 'SOME FOLKS SHO Let no patriot sleep while thers is.a quota to fill! Come, my good man, are not that & noble thought?” “It would be darnly nobler 1f I | reallzed where that 5§ went to,” I | snatch forth. “I detest to be charit- able without knowing who accom- plished it!" srom that 1 imagine you wish to know the name of this Drive” she snignify with Lake Superior expres- fon “Mr. Monnighram, please look in Card Index and find out.” Bretty soonly Hon. Monnighram in- croach with following report “Home for Incurable Cholr Singers.” ! “And there you have it in a nut shuck!” she say for sweetly smiling. “But it do not matter. What's in a name? “A Cause is but a rubber stamp, A Drives a Drive for Ah That (Quotation from Danl -Web- ster)” After those this Hon. Mrs. Barnum smoke a cigar and look quite for- given. “Ah, sweethearted Mrs. Madam,” I negotiate chivalry, “after this I shall 'know the reason why those Tourists was captivated by Chinese bandite.” And why was?” she ask out. That Drive were all arranged by the Chinese Govt. to make Americans feel at homie.” “Drive on & say nothing more dement. So T pass out quite bumped. Hoping vou are the same * she Yours truly Hashimura Togo | (Copyright, 1928. United States snd Great Britain, by North American News- paper Alliance.) ‘tention to whar dey’s goin’ to, not | ontil day falls in a hole. But dat don't | hinder 'em, pervidin' it's a nice hol | to set down in an’ gabble some mo" Simple-minded Sonny listened with | his head cocked on one side like a jay a questton: | ncle Zack, ef ev'ybody growed | from dem monkeys, how come dat | some folks is white an’ some folks is { black?” Don't you know dat much?’ Old | Reliable withered the witless crea- {ture “Huh! Ef you did go to school, | |you never done nothin’ 'cept eat yo lunch. ,Here's de way ‘'twas ‘cordin’ | |to Scripters: In de fust beginnin' all | | people was black, ev'ybody de same | |color. Dem what's turn't white, dey | had mo® gumption. i “One night de angel o de Lord come down from heaven an’ ‘vised de whole ontire congregation to give |a big peerade on de fo'th Friday, an wash deirselves in Jordan. By doln’| 5o He promised dat ev'ybody would | git white, an' straighten de kinks outer deir hair. Dat angel talked { hisself blue in de face, preachin’ an| prophesyin’, but dem fool niggers| never paid him no mind. Lissen to me, Sonny, even a angel couldn't teach niggers like Yo no sense. When de fo'th Friday ‘rived dere w. | mighty little sprinklin’ of ‘em which marched in de river an’ commenced to scrub. Some of ’em scoured wid | sand, an’ some of ‘em took corncobs, | which nigh scraped off de hide. Dere an’ de water was.powerful low. *Scusin’ de Lord's river, Jordan warn't no more'n a creek, longside of old Missip. Whilst dem few was scrub- | bin an’® scrapin’, you oughter seed dat | gang o’ niggers which sot on de fence to hawhaw. Heap mo' niggers dan | ever swarms in Vicksburg on clrcus | day. Dere dey sot, bustin’ caps an’ throwin’ slams, but dem few in de river never jawed back. “Ole Aunt Grinny-Granny was de great gramma of all dem profanes. She perched herself on a log, eatin’ | tnger snaps an’ sardines, an’ laughin® fit to kill. Uh! How she low-rated dem which was doin’ what de angel tole ‘em. Granny so she rocked back an’ fo'th until nigh fust dark, when shie took one real good look. Den she jumps up an’ hollers, ‘Fo Gawd! Look yon- der! Dem niggers s gittin’ white.’ “Wid dat she snatched off her head handkerchlef ah’ went tumblin’' down de river bank to wash de kinks outer her hair. Dem profanes follered be- hine like a flock o' sheep. Nobody |ever 1aid eyes on such a pushin’ an’ tugglin, for de water in Jordan was | teetotally used up, ‘cept two or three draps in de bottom no more'n enough to molsten de palms o' deir hands an’ de soles o' deir feets. Dat's wiy ev'y nigger is white in dem places.” “Ugh! Ugh!” Unc Eli examined his palm and nodded, “Brudder Foster, you sho is spoke a parable.” K kX X, his capacity as chairman Old Re- liable felt obligated to state both sides “Dat do sound reasonable” he agreed. “But preachers is ‘bleeged to wrangle, an’ some of ‘em ‘don’t teach it dat way. ‘Dey pound on de pulpit O the editor: Some wks. ago T wrote a atticle in these col- | umns on musical bridge whist | and described how smooth a pair of bridge players could get along | together provided the'both of them | was well verst in old songs and could | signal acrost the table to each other | by just humming or whistling. Little did I think when I penned | that article that it would revolation- | ize the bridge industry but am told| by oficfals of the N. Y. whist club that all the big games today is being \nadn't been no rain for a coon's age | 1t tickled Aunt Grinny- | played in accordances with the hints | give out in that article and former star players who win rubber after| rubber under the old regime is now helpless when opposed to players that has wds. and music ot popular songs | .8t there beck and call. Further and more the sale of old song books has Increased more than 300 per cent since the article out, a practical knowledge of there contents being mow considered as important a adjunct to a high class | game of bridge as a qt. of scotch and 2 ash trays. However it can be readly seen that | as soon as all players has mastered the art of musical bridge, why they | won't be no advantage in Mlaying It because when a player ‘signals there partner what they have got or what to lead by means of a song, the oppo- | nents will also recognize the signal| and profit by same For this reason it dooks to me like { now was-the time for another nov- elty to be introduced and I have therefore invented a system which we will call patter bridge and which 1 will try and exclalm 8o as my read- ers can practice it up and maybe get come “MY PARTNER WAS A LITTLE GAL NAMED EVA WHALE WHO I HAD ONCE MET AT A WEALTHY UNCLE OF MIN WHERE SHE DONE THE CO0! ING.” a few 1000 dollars ahead on it before it sweeps the country like musical bridge done | | FILL exclaim to | meaning chit chat women players patters contl through a bridge game and they will | have less dificulty getting away with patter bridge than men players as they ecan cut loose with a verable! start “SCU an, 'sist dat at de fust-off startin’ de good Lord made a white man, a Injun an a nigger, colors which wouldn’t come off, no matter ef dey washed in forty Jordans. “At dat time folks never had down to figger 'ginst de Injun an’ de sort o' devilment, ontll Eve bit a chunk outer de apple, an’ de Lord say He was through wid 'em—dey all had to go to work. But'he'd let ‘em pick deir own jobs. So He lined ‘em up befront Him, whar He got three bundles. ‘Here, Mister Nigger.’ He p'ints His finger, ‘you take de fust pick” De nigger scratch his head an’ picks de bigges' bundle. Out comes a ole blaze-faced mule wid a plow; so de nigger steps Into de cotton patch | aw starts to make a crop. | of his condition whereas every wd. | which I and a young \ TON, D C., JUNE 10, '1923—PART ! A RING LARDNER “EXCLAIMS” PATTER BRIDGE Opponents Dumb Floundered as He and Miss Whale Win $14,500 at Successor to Musical Auction deluge of apparently meaningless wds. and sentences without exciting no suspicions. However a man player can divert | suspicion by pretending like he is a trifle-stewed and kind of talky. The opponents will just laugh at him and think he will be easy to beat on acct. he says will have a meaning which his partner understands and can take advantage of same, * ok ok K In introducing musical bridge to my admires I described a game of it in lady win $2600.00 from a couple of dumb bells at a exclusive 3d. ave. card club. Perhaps the best way to.introduce | patter bridge would be to report my first attempt at same which was in the nature of a test and which netted | my partner and I the handsome sum | of $14,500.00. This test game was| played in a taxicab coming from Al- | toona to N. Y. and our opponents was | |a Mr. and Mrs. Gbd of the Gbd Rub- ber Go. and dirty with money. | My partner was a little gal named | Eva Whale who I had once met at a wealthy uncle of mine where she| done the cooking. It was a big sur- | prise when we found ourself in the same tax| after all those yrs. Mr. Gbd was the one who suggested | the bridge game and wile the driver | was getting us a table I whispered | my scheme In Miss Whale's ear and | she took to It llke water to a duck’s | back. It will be noted that several | of our signals brought In French| wds. but a knowledge of the mother | tongue is merely a help and not a necessity. ! Well Mrs. Gbd was the first dealer | and she bid a 1 no trump. The rest of us past and it was my lead. “Listen,” says Miss Whale just like | it was ordinary conversation, “‘guess where I had lunch yesterday. So I asked her where and she say: she had it at the Lambs so I figured | | that clubs was her strong suit. “What did vou have?” I asked her. “Wheat cakes,” was her _reply and | T realized she must have elght clubs | as wheat is the French wd. for eight. | So I led out my five diamonds which | | run from the ace down to the ten and then led her a low club and she took the rest of the tricks as she had dis- carded five loosing hearts on my dia- mond leads. We thus started off with | a grand slam besides setting the Gbds | six odd. he last named was dumb floundered. | Tt was my next deal and I bid a| spade and Mr. Gbd doubled. | “When I get to N.Y. | Whale, “I am going to 1 game."” l By this remark I gathered that her best suit was a diamond. “I want to see the Giants play,” contigued Miss Whale. “I am a great admire of that veteran left hand| pitcher they have got.” - | * kx x % | ‘ JELL the veteran left hand pitcher | on the Glants fs Neh? which i the French wd, for nine so I knowed | she had nine diamonds. Mrs. Gbd| took her partner out of his double | with a bid of 2 clubs. I had all the| Fonors in hearts and spades along with the ace and 2 smell diamonds | and the ace of clubs. So I bid seven | diamonds which our opponents dou- bled and we treated ourself to an-| DE LORD'S RIVER, JORDAN WARN'T NO MOREN A CREEK.” “Injun takes de nex’ pick, an’ gits a bow an’ arrer an’ lights out for de woods. Dat only lef” one bundle for de white man to pick, de littlest bun- ble, no longern yo' finger. An' when he unwrops dot bundle be couldn't ’skivver nothin’ in it ceptin a pen. So de white man grabs de pen an' sets down to figger ‘ginst de injun nigger—'Naughts a naught an’ fig- gers a figger; all for de white man, none for de nigger.’ “Ain’t it de troof!” Unc Sandy Spriggs applauded; but Sonny, uncon- vinced by jarring dogma, slouched out of the door, singing as he went: “De Lord He made de nigger, made him in de night; made him in a hurry, an forgot to make him white.” (Copyright, 1928.) “LEMONADE MADE IN THE SHADE AND STIRRED.” SAYS M WHALE. SO I BID 3 SPADES. other grand salambo. By this time | he Gbds was dumb floundered. Mr. Gba now dealt and bid 3 dia- | monds himself and Miss Whale im-| mediately begin reciting a old verse | which I had not heard since boyhood | days. “Lemonade made in the shade ard | stirred,” says Miss Whale. | Well 1 remembered the wds. Which comes after stirred namely “with a | spade,” so as I had good help for a spade bid, why when it come my turn 1bid 3 spades and they left us have it and this time we had to be content with a small salambo but the Gbds was absolutely dumb floundered. Miss Whale of course would of bid the spade herself only she felt for some reason another that maybe I would play the | hand a whole lot bettey. This same reasoning led her to make | the following remark after she had dealt the next hand: i “Another thing I am going to see in | |N. Y. s a good western picture. I am | a great admire of Will Rogers and | Tom Mix und those kind of actors.” | Of course it was plain that she was hinting at the name of W. §. Hart and ad a heart bid of her own but wanted me to play the hand. So I bid a heart and this time we slumped and only took 5 odd. It was during this hand that 1 forgot how many trumps was out and my partner seen my distress. “If they is one apimal I love it is a | " she says, and I realized they was | still 4 trumps out as cat is the French | wd. for 4. | Well on the next deal T had 8 club 50 T asked Miss Whale if she said she “efght” &t the Lambs and she took th hint and we made a grand salambo. But by this time the Gbds was utterly dis. appointed and they left the taxi al Newark after giving me a check for our winnings which was $14,500.00 which | give $4,500 of- it to Miss Whale for the way she had helped me along. RING W. LARDNER Great Neck, Long Island, June § Facts About Dogs. A MEMBER of the staff of the Paris Museum of Natural His tory has pointed out that the dog whose respirations number only | twenty-five or thirty a minute, ma; in running, acquire a rate of respir: tion as high as 350 a minute. The effect of this. acceleration favors the dissipation of animal heat by evapo- ration from the pulmonary vesicles. The dog perspires very littls or not at all by the skin, pulmonary taking the place of cutaneous transpiration Tt is this fact that enables the dog te pursue its game so long and per sistently. Animals of the cat family, on the other hand, do not possess this peculiarity, and for that reason ti- gers, panthers and lions lie in wait for their prey, but.do not pursue if over long distances. The bird pos- sesses pulmonary transpiration in a very high degree. CRUMBLING STONE DUE TO I many countries of the old world and In some sections of the new are found monolithic shafts, or vast structures of stone of prehistoric origin that have withstood the as- saults of time for untold centurle | Many of these retain to this day deli- cate ornamentations, elaborate sculp- ture and finscriptions that can still be deciphered. Gathered into our museums are sarcophagi enriched with carvings bearing the chisel marks almost as sharp as when they were wrought by the artisans 2,000 and more years before the Christian era. Can one ask for more evident proofs of durability than this? On the other hand, it has been pointed out that stone structures of only a score of years show signs of disintegration, and much is made of this by those who would substi- tute some other material for stone. 1t is needless to attempt to ignore these charges. The explanation for the defects is simple enough. In no form of human activity has there been more stupendous change during the ‘past generation or so than in bullding construction. We have passed in a comparatively short time from the simple, unpretentious structures of our forefathers to buildings of elaborate design and ornamentation and substituted for wood and brick stone of every variety, often brought from distant lands. Quarries them- selves were developed far faster than sclentific knowledge of quarrying methods. | Mistakes were bound to be made, not only in the adaptation of materials for specific purposes, but also In the preparation of these ma. terfals. But the lessons of these mistakes have been learned and it 1s well nigh impoesible that they can | ocour again. i The causes of the disintegration and decay of stone in the. past are pertectly determinable and they have been thoroughly eliminated. In the | first place, certain classes of im-| ported stone have rarely given sat- isfaction in American cities. While durable in the country of their pro- duction, they are unsuited to the severity and extreme changes of the American climate. We no longer at- tempt to bring stone for structural use from forelgn lands unless its ability to withstand extreme climatic changes has been thoroughly dem- onstrated. More important, however, has been the recognition of sclen- tific methods in quarrying. A fow years ago the main require- ment of the quarryman was the cheap and expeditious removal of_the stone from its natural bed. Immense blocks were broken loose by tremendous charges of explosives and then these masses of 'rock were split into sizes convenient for handling. If the stoné showed no visiblé cracks or starts, and held together under the cutting and dressing, it was thought to be in prime condition. Quarrymen and builders were intensely surprised if stone handled in this way went to pléces, and disintegrated in a few years after having been set in a building. Until a more serious.study BLASTING of the matter was made it was not recognized that heav blasting, or even severe blows from sledges, had a tendency to weaken the cementing material that holds together the roclk grains or crystals in any stone. Now no quarryman would think of placing on the market a stone that had been stunned. Even in continental Europe which is always backward {n dis carding old methods and adopting improvements, this lesson h: been learned. It was formerly the prac- tice to blast out stone, even in marble quarries. The effect upon the deli- catec materials, especially such mar bles as were taken out under the old method, can readily be imagined This is the reason the old marble quarries of Europe present such re- markable pall banks, the debris often preventing necessary develop- ment work. The ‘Wasteful powder man has been displaced and in his stead is installed the wire saw, which cuts the stone from its native bed without injuring its texture in the least. Here in America we use the channeling machine, which cuts the stone into rectangular blocks with the minimum of waste and does not stun the stone. Another great improvement has come in a knowledge of the neces- sity for a proper scasoning of stone While the presence of water in the interstices, or “sap,” as it is called, in all stone, has been recognized for a century or more, the part that it plays in weathering was unknown until recent years. Grand Canal of China. THE Grand canal in China s by far the longest canal in the world. It reaches from Hangchow to Tient- sin, the port of Peking, and covers a distance of nearly 1,000 miles. 1t crosses two of the world's larges! riyers, the Hwang and the Yangs: For about 130 miles north of the Yangtze the canal is still navigable, but from that point to Tientsin it is choked with mud and {s generally derelict. A plan is now on foot to re- construct the northern sectlons. For the time being only about seven mil- lon dollars can be devoted to work that will put in order a scetion one hundred miles in length. The recon- struction 1s in the hands of Ameri- can englneers. “Cork Wool.” WWOOL® s being manufactured from cork in Spain, and it may be substituted for natural wool in mattresses, pillows, quilts, etc., as it is cleaner and lighter than wool. Government officials at Washington have received from the same source information relative to a Spanish process for utilizing cork as a textile material. The cork is employed in the form of very fine pellicles, of which fourteen g0 to make the thick- ness of a millimeter (0.03937 inch). It 1s first treated with chemicals to remove any resinous substances and ito make it flexible. The cork is then sewn between two cotton sheets and pressed several times.