Evening Star Newspaper, April 24, 1921, Page 65

. THE {4 AY, those old boys that used to write the fables—ain't it curious how they nearly always had their dope straight? It was my highly improper friend, Scandalous Doolan, who put the ques- tion, thereby starting the conversa- tion off on an entirely new tack. Until this, nothing whatever had been sald about fables or the authors of fables. As I recall, the talk at the moment dealt with the habits of Wwhales—he whales and she whales. We had been speaking of whales in the first place. and whales had sug- gested ships. and ships suggested ice- Lergs. and icebergs suggested soda fountains, and soda fountains sug- gested frothy things. and frothy things suggested mad dogs. and mad dogs suggested hot weather, and hot Wweather suggested light underweai and light underwear suggested hea: underwear, and heavy underwear sug- gested polar explorers. and polar ex- piorers suggested walruses. and wal- Tuses suggested whales. here we were back again on whales. breezing along beautifully. when Scandalous' mind suddenly jibed and went about. Had it been any one else who inter- rupted, I am quite sure I should have feit a momentary sense of pique. A whale is one of the best things to 1alk about that I know of. In regard 1o whales and their peculiarities you can make almost any assertion with- out fear of successiul contradiction. NoQody knows any more about the subject than you do You are not Lampered by facts. If some one men- tions the blubber of the whale. and You chirp up and say it can be noticed for miles on a still day when the large but emotional creature has bee: moved to tears by some great sorrow coming into his life, everybody elsc is bound to accept the statement. Fer after all, how few among us really know whether a distressed whale sob's aloud or does so under its breath? And who. with any certainty, can tell v:hether a mother whale hatches hor egg like a hen or leaves it on the sheltered bosom of a fjord to be incubated by the gentle warmth of the midaight sun? The possibilities of the proposition for purposes of in- formal discussion. pro and con are apparent at a glance. * ¥ X X ERSONALLY I would give it first rank. The weather helps out : amazingly when you are meeting peo- 1 ple for the first time, because there { 18 nearly always more or less weather i Eoing on somewhere, and practically everybody has ideas about it. Break- fast also is a wonderfully first-aid topic to bring up in a mixed company. Try it yourself the next time the con- ; versation seems to lull. Just speak IUD in an offhand kind of way and say you never care much about } breakfast, that a slice of toast and a ] cup of weak tea start you off prop- { erly for doing a hard day's work. You will be surprised to see how the co: versation livens up and how eager all present join in. The lady on your left s you should know she al- ways takes two lumps of sugar and nearly half cream. because she sim- ply cannot abide hot milk, no matter what the doctors say. The gentleman <on your right will be moved to con- “fess he likes his eggs boiled exactly three minutes, no more and no less. , Buckwheat cakes find a champio *and oatmeal rarely lacks a warm de. fender. Weather for strangers, but among friends, breakfast and whales —bear these in mind and you will never be at a loss for pleasant ways of spending the long winter evenings which are now upon us. But the greater of these is whales. We had hardly skimmed the subject of whales when Mr. Doolan leaped headlong int> fables. Nevertheless 1 gave him leeway by ing in silence for what was to Through long acquaintance 1 have come to learn his idiosyncra- sies, which are many and unique. For a brief space, after his interrupting rémark, there was silence. I held my ~tongue and he peered contempla down the slant of a( glowing tip and witl , his glass made little patterns of rings| is _— would take him in hand and begin givin® him the treatments. Inside of two weeks | he'd be hirin' a flufty blonde to teach him the fox trot and his wife back home would be consultin’ an alimony spe- cialist. 1 never saw so many human Dretzeis converted into animal crackers in_my whole life before. “For persons in our line of endeavor it was certainly a lovely spot to be at. The place was as wide open as oysters on the half shell. Everywhere you looked you could see Vllle guy! from the city in the act of bein’ trim- med by suckers from the high grass. Not since the old days when I worked the shells with a wagon circus that carried its own troupe of porch climb- ers and let out the safe-blowing privi- loge to the highest bidder have 1 seen the plums hangin' so low and the pip- pins so easy to pick. For thr_ee months me and the Sweet Caps Kid took in coin with both hands; the trouble was that we let it go with both hands, too. We couldn’t figure how the crop would ever run short. for the harvest was most plentiful and the reapers, they was few. “But you can't always tell. All of a sudden something happens. There's a change of city administrations, and no sooner does the new crowd get into office than they start house- cleanin’ something frightful. The word goes out to close the dampers and bank the fires. One or two hardy adventurers disregards the gypsy's warning, whereupon a grand jury leaps upon them with shrill cries, and inside of four weeks they're bein’ measured for nobby outfits of striped suitin’'s at an institution for the pro- motion of indoor occupations run by Ithe state. So me and Sweet Caps Kid takes advantage of this period of en- forced inactivity to hold a consulta- t | lwce Sweety,' I says to him, ‘something ms to inform me it's our next move. Personally I have no desire.’ 1 says, ‘to have a large, coarse crea- ture called a deputy warden standin’ over me teachin’ me how to make chair bottoms. Any time I need a haircut I want to be able to pick my own barber. Let us’ 1 says, ‘proceed to show these zealous reformers that us two are the boys that put the syrup into surreptitious. Let us go hence with all the silent yet sincere alacrity of hot sorghum runnin’ out of a leaky jimmyjohn. * %k x § QWEET CAPS, he sees the wisdom of my remarks and he allows we can’t be startin’ too soon to suit him. But the main drawback to our | mappin’ out an extensive travelin’ debauch is that we're down so close to the cloth. We've been fritterin’ our substance away on frivolities, when we should have been buryin' it in a preserve jar back of the smoke- house. So we compromises on a short, quick trip to the city of Hot Springs, in the state of Arkansas, pronounced by the home folks Arkansaw, the ‘sas’ being silent as in juniper and the ‘saw’ bein' prominent as in planin’- mill. “We departs, therefore. in a speedy and unostentatious manner. “Well, sir, it certainly looks like misfortune is doggin' our steps., be- cause we arrives just twenty-four hours behind another reform wave. For persons in our perfession there is [positively absolutely nothin’ doin". The only doormat in town with a ‘Weloome' sign on it is the one in front of the county jail. s “Sweet Caps undertakes to horn his Wway into one of the leadin’ card clubs, with a view to replenishin’ our ex- thequer by a little judicial play at faro and kindred sports. They throws bim out twice and he goes back for the third time—and the doorkeeper climbs a-straddle of his neck and rides him all the way down the front steps, clear across the sidewalk, out into the street, and leaves his mussed and prostrate form on the car tracks. And then it seems to dawn on Sweat Caps that they really don't want him there. So he takes the gentle hint and comes away. main thoroughfares we rigs up a sim. ple little green baize table and produces the eddcated pasteboards, our intent bein’ to teach the trustin’ souls of them pastoral wilds the Three Card Montes- vely| sori system for the education of our s cigar to its|little ones. The understandin’ is that the bottom of|I'm to do the riffin' and Sweet Caps to make change But before I've jupon the marble top of the table.|bhad time to make more'n one pass up § Anon he resumed: “Now, frinstance, speakin’ comes a bull disguised as a dmmmmuammam you take that one about the|passel of the infuriated peasan grassbopper and the ant. It's been a | they chases us four or fve blocks. favorite of mine ever since I first heard it. From what I've been able|get no better rapidly. ¢o gather, that particular fable was|we're down to a small stack of thin first pulled by an old guy named E.|white chips. Jitney by jitney our little Sopp. I wonder did he spell his last - mame with one ‘p’ or two? Anyway, *it's no matter. By all accounts’he ‘was a foreigner and most foreigners ‘have funny monakers, anyway. Even if he was a wop, he must've been considerable of a deep thinker—that old boy. The rty that first brings this fable to my attention tells me E. Sopp lived three or four thousands years ago. Naturally, I couldn’t stand for that. 1 says to this party, ‘Quit your kiddin',’ I says to him; ‘this is only 1915 that we're livin' in now. You can’t go behind them returns,’ 1 says. And of course he didn't have any comeback because I had the fig- ures oa him. Just the same, I judge the old bird dated clear back to be- fore the year of the Big Wind in Ire- land, and that's plenty far enough back for me. “But speakin’ of this fable, the + grasshopper went pikin' about all summer wearin’ snappy clothes for ,yarsity hoppers and havin’ the time of his life. Easy come and easy go— that was his motto. Every time he got a dollar he spent a dollar and fAif- teen cents of it right awa He couldn’t break a five without develop- in’ some new friends. But all this time the ant is workin' like a bird- dog. hivin’ it up and saltin’ it down. Pretty soon the heated term is over and fall has come and went. and now the crool winter is upon us and the grasshopper finds hisself as busted as a ha'nt. Bein' out of money, it's a cinch he is out of friends too. When your riches start to fly away, there's anite a few that ketch the sound of them restless rustlin’ wings almost as soon as you do—I've noticed that myself. and I'm no member of the opp family. cither. 1 guess it's be- ause they've been cuddlin’ up so close to you that they can hear the warnin' with such a cute acuteness. LL, anyway, *ox ox % “\WE the grasshopper starts down the big road. He's limpin’ on both feet, fallen arches havin® come on him just as soon as he de- prived his insteps of the constant sup- yort of the bar rail. His hair is stickin’ out through the top of his straw hat, and the chiil wind of December is rat- tiin’ his white duck pants. He comes by the ant's house and sces the smoke pourin’ out of the chimney. The ant is settin’ at the front window smokin’ the best cigar that any amount of money up to ten cents will buy and read funny pieces out of the comic secti ‘The “grasshopper remembers him an lnu, ant used 1o belong to the same col- ~ge fraternity back in the old care-free He goes up to the front door and The ant takes a peck through the window and sees who it is, and, bein' a tender-hearted little cuss, the #ight of his old chum standin’ ut there shiverin' in_the bitter cold affeets him £o he can't bear to look at it any longer. So he pulls down the shades and goes and calls the dog. And the next mornin® 1he grasshopper is discovered frozen to death in a snowdrift and the ant has liver and onions for breakfast. The moral, as 1 figure it out. bein’ that it's tough to be an ant, but a blame sight tougher to be a grasshopper. “I'm reminded of that fable every time T think of the fix in which me and 1the Sweet Caps Kids finds ourselves one winter about two winters ago. The summer precedin’ was the finest sum- mier for grasshoppers that 1 ever en- countered. certainly was one gallus little pair of boppergrasses. We spent the heated term and all we made at one of them hot-bath resorts in the middlin® west. It was a great place far losin' symptoms. bank- rolls, walistlines and reputations. An old boy would blow in there ridin’ in an invalid chair and =ayin’ ‘Ouch! every tme the wheels went over a crack in the planks. He'd be kinked up into a yice tight hard knot, with his joints so 111l of rheumatism that when he took a eiep he creaked like a new pair of cor- Zuroy pants. The sanitarium folks And me and the Sweet Caps | blocks. sonditions continge to soon “After that. hoard vanishes from us. All summer I've been burnin’ up those large dark- brown imported Havana back-logs at forty cents each. The best I can do for myself now is to blow a nickel about once in so often for a Poter Panatela, the cigar that never grew up. Domestic goods thev are. too, and I'm no domesti I belong to one of the learned callin’s. “We ain’t eatin’ with our accustomed regularity, neither. I don't somrcely Temember a time when toothpicks plays such a small part in my daily life. Wo feels that we are indulgin’ in a spell of unbridled extravagance any time we spent a dime for a erock of Chilly Con Cammey, which is a Mexican dish Damed for an Irishman. And the Chilly part is stuck on for a joke, because the stuff is s0 hot you can't notice the taste. I never knew before red pepper could be a blessin’ in disguise. * ¥ ¥ x C\\/E used to g0 up against the Greaser uprisin’ for dinner. At breakfast time and lunch time we'd bestow our patronage upon the free- lunch emporiums. That is to say, we did so at first. We'd drop into 2 sa- loon, all organized to accept anything that might be passed out. except the bar check. But it wasn't long before fthe lookout got to know us, and no sooner had we breezed through the swingin’ doors than he'd throw his protectin’ form between us and the cracker jar and start whistlin® for the bouncer.” Whereupon we would with- draw in an abrupt but dignified man ner and go for a long walk on a empty stomach. meanwhile broodin' upon them happy, happy days when 1we et only white meat. with a little 1of the dressin’, and throwed the sec- ond joint and drumstick away. “We has ample time for all such bitter reflections. There we are. us two, both of us, me and him, marooned on a desert island jn the midst of plenty—two poor _little famishin’ &rasshoppers from the effete east en- tirely surrounded by thrifty but high- ly inhospitable ants. I hadn’t heard about the fable up to this time, but a T look back on it now # know old M Sopp certainly calls the turn on u Nearly everybody else in our line of trade has hurriedly shut up shop and Zone away to give the moral apasm time to quit spassin’, and them that hasn’t gone is stayin' on for the same reason that we stays—they didn't [ have the price. “Well. to make a long story just a: long. things continues in this hear breakin' way for several days—only they seems like weeks to us—and then we meets the General. * ® ® Don't get tired and go 'way before 1 tell | | you about the General, because he's really the star of the piece. How does he get to be a general? How should I know? Maybe his paw kept a general store or his grandmother |suffered from general debility. Out in that far country some folks is born Wwith a title and some Inherits one. T Euess. though, the General borrowed his when nobody was lookin. He {didn't fight for it—T1l swear to that. {He wasn't old enough to have been in our late civil war, and, besides, no | civil war that thought anything of it- | 8¢1f would 'a’ let him be in it. With the General infestin' the vicinity it couldn’'t have stayed civil more'n a week at the very longest. One day me and the Sweet Caps Kid are settin’ in our lonely lodgin’s, for which we are now two weeks behind with the rent and no prospect of ketchin® up, neither. Not havin' anything else to do, we are engaged in wonderin’ how long a growed-up man with all his fa- cilities intact can continue to go on livin® after he's become a strict non-eater and a total anti-imbiber, when there comes a knock on the door. “We figures it's the landlord again. He's been up to see us twice already Tn a quict by-way openin® off one of the | durin’ the day, makin’ pointed inquiries touchin’ upon a subject which we would greatly prefer not to have discussed in our hearin’. Still, if he wants to keep on payin' duty calls upon us, we can't object without hurtin’ his feelin's. 2 ‘Dose It's our estimable host once more,’ says Sweet Caps. ‘He told me the last time he was up that when he came again he hoped to see a little money. What an optimist that guy is! Seems almost a pity to disappoint him, don't it? S'pose we match to see which one of us goes to the door and tells him we ain't neither one of us In?" *“Wo,” I says, ‘let us remember,’ I says, ‘we're guests today beneath his roof and tonight are liable to camp on his sidewalk. Come right in, Little One,’ 1 says, raisin’ my voice. * k% % ¢\\JITH that the door opens. But it ain't our hopeful friend, the proprietor, that stands beamin' upon the threshold. It's a large, influentially dressed person in a high hat. He has a wide, warm smile, one of those long, cream-separator mustaches, a bad eve, a high hat, and a_spirituous breath. It's the General. Of course we don't know at the moment he's the General, but we know just by the way he looks he's something. I seem to ketch the hauntin’ aromas of wines, ales, liquors and cigars the Instant 1 lays eves on him: also hot vittles. “We bids him welcome and he comes in and introduces himself and says our names have been suggested to him by a mutual friend in the city. We didn't know until then we has any friends in the city, mutual or unmutual, but we begs him to proceed. Then he wants to know if we are open to a proposition to make 3 little plece of change. ““Well, I says, ‘murder is out of our line we ain't never done any grave-robbin’ or kidnapin’. But' I says, ‘we're willin’ to try. Let the Gold Brick Twins do vour work, I says. ‘Pray proceed’ 1 says; ‘your ppenin’ remarks interests us sirange- “So then he sets down among us and outlines his scheme, and if he'd been singin’ it and accompayin’ himself on ithe zither, his words couldn't ‘'a’ sounded more dulcet than what they sounds in the ears of me and the Sweet Caps Kid. Long berore he Eeu through, each of us is holdin’ im by the hand. “Well, the net result is that he ad- vances us certain sums of money with which to get the rest of our wardrobe out of retirement, and he’stakes us to 53 lar human meal. And the de- soendin’ shades of night finds us all three spraddled out in luxurious ease in the smokin' compartment of a sleepin’ car goin’ away from there at forty miles an hour. It's just like a dream. There we are with cigars in our faces and soothin’ mixtures in our !pockets and one of the brightest | graduates that Booker T. Washington iever turned out of his seminary to iwait upon our slightest necds. The General is puttin’ up for the travelin' expenses and payin’ all bills incurred on root; yet still I can't seem to care for him as I maybe should. I'm will- in’ to do business with him, but I ain't prepared to love him. “It's plain, though, that he don't feel that way with regards to himself, personally. Any time the General gets on the subject of the General he's prepared to speak for hours and hours without becomin’ wearfed. He's a very consistent absorber, too. I fig- ure out he's part Scotch and the rest seltzer. If he ain't got a flask trav- elin' between his hip and his mouth, he feels something is missin’ from the landscape. The more I see of the Gen- eral, the more prone I am to unlike him excessively. But, as I sald just :‘l‘:n"n’(‘e doi"l"‘ share r‘mne in them sen- ents. He's passionat. “’,fi""““'","'h ; 2 ately addicted “Shortly before midnight, w! and Sweet Caps has & moment of pri vacy together in the washroom prior Stertaing’ practically the Gl TAle P cal = s il e y the same feel “‘It strikes me with great forci- ility says Sweet Caps, ‘that this new-found benefactor of ours is con- siderable of a Camembert. Sizin' him up casual I would say off-hand that he's mostly deep yellow, with a fleck of green mold interspersed in him here and there,’ he says. “‘Sh-h" 1 mays; ‘naught I says. just like that. uncharitable’ I says. was born that way. As the Latin puts it. Semper Edam, meanin’, I says, ‘once a cheese, always a cheese.’ “1 don’t like them milk strainers he wears on his upper lip, neither.’ continues Sweet Caps. in a petulental tone. ‘Burnishers has gone out of style for wear upon the human face. he says. ‘When we get to know him a little better, let's club in and buy him a nice clean shave.’ Sweet Caps.’ I says, ‘never lobk & gift horse In the mustach. There are several things about the General that 1 don’t deeply care for, he himself be- ing chiefly one of them. But let us bear with him.' | savs, ‘until he ceases to bear. At the present he's our staff of life. Never, 1 says, ‘never, never punch a meal ticket until you have to. “And with that 1 leaves my shoes in the aisle, and puts my feet in the hammock and goes to bed on the bot- tom shelf of Mr. Pullman's peram- bulatin’ pantry. L ¢“THE next morning we arrives Wwhere we're goin' to. It's the capital city of one of the flattest and most enterprisin’ commonwealths in this entire sister hood, bein’ located in the heart of that favored district which people in New York regards as the far west and people in San Fran- cisco regards as the far east. I pre- fer not to name it hy name. It is true that the General is now no more, and he never was very much; he pass- €d away last spring, as I read in the papers at the time. but the state it- self is there yet, and the statute of limitations continues to hang on, and I'm afraid some of the folks out there is still a little mite fretfully inclined Wwhenever they happens to think of me and the Sweet Caps Kid. So 1 will not burden you with too many detalls. Howsomever, anytime you should chance to be out in that neighborhood you shouldn't have any trouble findin’ the place. Just take the first turn to the right after you cross the Missi 1 naughty.’ ‘Let's not be ‘Probably he THE SUNDAY ST ; ; AR, WASHINGTON, D. O, APRIL 24, 1921—PART 4 ; GOLD BRICK TWINS sippl valley, keepin’ the Rocky moun- tains and Pacific coast on your left, and after a while you'll come to it. It's got a Carnegie library and a new fire station; some of the strests run one way and the others run the other way, and the Eagles met there once, and the Elks are expected to drop in almost any time. You'll be able to recognise it easy. Oh, yes—here's an-. other hint to help you: The people livin' there always speak of it as the garden spot of the world. It may be a garden spot, but it needs cultiva- tion. “By a strange coincidence, we ar- rives on the very day the state legis- lature convenes. We takes rooms at the leadin’ hotel, occupyin’ what the Kid, who's a mighty literal pro- nouncer, insists on calling a suet, meanin’ by that a sweet. The Gen- eral takes one parlor and fits it up regardless with boot-leg bottled goods and corkscrews and other necessities of life, and in the adjoinin’ parlor me and the Sweet Caps Kid rigs our cosy little deadfall; and then we sets back and waits for business to open up. “We don't have long to wait, nei- ther. You see, it's like this: The General {8 a lobbyist by profession. He's one of the hottest little lobby- ists that ever come out of a loblolly. Naturally, though, he don’t call him- self by such an obnoxious title. He speaks of himself as a promoter of helpful legislation. He's been re. tained by the principal railroad trav- “$0 THE SUCKER, TAKING THE STRANGE WORDS TO HIMSELF, DEPARTS I CIRCUMSTANCES THAT HE’S SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT FOR A MESS OF JACKPOTTAGE, AND THEN LOST THAT, T00.” ersing that part of our common coun- try to do its plain and fancy cor- ruptin’. All the railroad desires at this time is for the legislature to give it about the half the state in the shape of franchises. And all the General has got to do is to see that the legielature comes through. He turns in an expense account evegy week that would make e Rivers and Harbors bill look puny, and fPagm| what 1 can gather he’'s drawin’ a pretty fancy salary, besides which he's entitled to keep what he can maka by chiselin' down a member from his regular price for bein’ cor- rupted. Any time a corn-fed states- man who's et forth in the past-per- formances book at the figger of five hundred can be indffred to sell out for, say, three hundred and fifty, the General goes south with the differ- ence. It's his legitimate commission on the deal. And at that he ain't satisfled. He hankers to get the three-fifty ‘back without losin’ said statesman's vote. That's where me and the Sweet Caps Kid come in. ‘That's why he took that trip all the way to Hot Springs to dig up a cou- ple of specialists. That's why we're now on the job in Parlor B of Sweet A. “It's so easy it's right simple. The General sets his eye on a promisin’ {rube-member from the «tall ‘and un. cut. He honeys up to him, wearin’ | the greasy smile of a fishduck that's | just_located a fat minnow, and soon i the hellish deed is done. In the dusk of the evenin' the General takes his young friend by the hand and leads { him into his room and pays him the price of his shame. Maybe he gets him for two hundred, and maybe he has to pay him as much as two hundred and fifty—you'd be surprised to know how cheap you can buy shame in some sections of this favor- ed land. “Well, they closes the deal and then right away the member gets im- patient to go. If he's an old timer at the game, he's worried for fear he sold out too cheap, and if this is his first offense, he’'s low in his mind to think of what his constituents will say if they ever find out on him. That's the eGneral's cue to slip a drink or twg into him. Then the General goes to the door and opens it_about an inch and a quarter and takes a quick peek outside. Ho slams the door then and comes back and tells the member there's a suspicious lookin® party snoopin’ round the hall. He suggests they slip into the next room to wait until the coast is clear. So they slips into the next room and. lo and behold, me and the Sweet Caps Kid is settin’ there playin' show- down for pennies. The General in- troduces us to the corrupted guy as a couple of friends of his, and then me and Sweet Caps Kid Invites ‘em both to set down and p a_little nickel-ante with us, jacks or better to open, ten-cent limit. The General says they've got a little time to kill and maybe they might as well draw a few hands. * x K K GUESS 1 don't need to tell you the rest of it—you must know how the Big Mitt is worked. No? Well, then, p'raps 1 had better ex- plain, bricfly. The deck goes round a few times and nothing happens. Then it comes my deal, and the Sweet Caps Kid takes a flash at the cards I've slipped him, and he says sort of wistful-like that he certainly wishes we was playin' for something sub- stantial, because he's got a hand that he'd like to mdventure a little real money on. Them words sound like 2 message from heaven to the Gen- eral's young friend, and he seconds the motion. So, just to humor him and Sweet Caps, me and the General agrees to remove the roof tempo- rarily, and them two starts in bettin’. In order to show that he's perfectly calm and collected, the sucker knocks his stacks of chips over and turns pale as a sheet and keeps swallowin' his Adam's apple and trembles all over. And the Sweet Caps Kid keeps on a-histin' him and a-h'istin' him. “After a while the législator money Is all up, and then Sweet Caps calls him, and he spreads out his ttle throbbin’ King-full on palpi- ating queens. But Sweet Caps, he merely smiles a sad, pensive smile and reaches for the coln, at the same time layin' down four rattles and & tton. DU hats four rattles and a but- ton? Why, that's my pet name for a complete set of tens with an ace on the side for a confidence card.” So the sucker, talkin' strange words to himself, departs in a kind of stricken state, reflectin’ upon the melaneholy circumstance that he's sold his birth- right for a.mess of jackpottage, and then lost that, too. When the sound of his draggin’ footsteps has died away in the distance down the de- serted hallway me and Sweet Caps and the General splits the winnin's three ways, and then we all retires to our downy couches, filled with “ ,~ 8 One 'of the Best Stories Irvin S. Cobb Ever Wrote the comfortin’ thought that tomor- row will be a new day. “It's a payin' business, with sure profits and no risk, but at that, I don’t care deeply for it. I reckon I'm too honest—that's always been my principal drawback. But the General, he thrives on it. While we're cuttin’ up she proceeds he set there combin’ his droopers with h fingers and takin' on flesh so fast it's visible to the naked e. Every night that passed I seems to care for him less and_less, until after a while 1 eould e arrested for thinkin' the thoughts which I thinks about the General. I want to kick him so bad it makes my foot hurt. But I restrains myself. As I says to the Sweet Caps Kid, ‘Business be- fore pleasure,’ I says. “Well, things jog along very com- fortable and cozy for a while; least- Wwise, they would be comfortable and cozy if 1 could only quit dislikin’ the General long enough to take some interest in my surroundin's. Some- times a statesman that's been trim- med in our little game refuses to stay bought, but generally he does. “And then one day. in comes the General and tells us he's garnered enough ordinary members to make a mess. but, just to jnsure a dead sinch, be needs the chairman of the House Committee on Railroads. It seems chairmen come higher than the run of ordinary perch, because the General says this particular fish can't see his way clear to compro- misin’ his priceless honor for less'n | l two thousand bones, cash down, paid in advance.” S0 he feels that we mustn’t take no chan on lettin’ any part of that large and succulent mass of dough get away from us. The gent in question is plum’ addict- ed to fiirtin’ with the playin’ cards, 30 the General tells us, and you can’t bet ‘em too high to suit him when A KIND OF STRICKEN STATE, REFLI “CULTURED CLASS” unloads all this valuable and timely information upon us. * % x «[MMEDIATE 1 has an idea of my| own. I says to him, ‘General’ 1 says, ‘it occurs to me that for this special and extraordinary occasion there maybe oughter be a new face round our happy fireside. The fact that me or Sweet Caps has won every time we had one of our little sessions is liable to have caused talk amongst the classic shades of that there state- bouse. It is possible’ I says, ‘that sinister rumors, founded upon unjust suspicion, has already come to “the ears of this wise young friend of yours. Don't you think'I says, ‘that we'd better have a fourth playver pres- ent at our next little gatherin'— somebody who's a perfect stranger to Mister Chairman. And then, if the stranger holds the winnin' hand and all the rest of us goes through the form of droppin’ our bank-rolls too, why there’ll be no reason for the principal loser to beef or renige. Do you. T says, ‘get my drift? Or don’t you?” ‘1 get vou,' says the General, or words to that effect, ‘but that means there'll be four instead of just us three to divide up the surplusage. I'm constitutionally opposed,’ he says, ‘to cuttin’ a melon into ®o many pieces, where it can be avoided. Be- sides,’ he says, ‘whereabouts are you goin' to find ‘your added starter? Re- member,’ he #ays, ‘this is a close cor- { i | i | | TIN® UPON THE MELANCHOLY poration and regular dwellers in this sweet community is barred.” “‘Well,’ I says, ‘don’t know myself yet where we'll find him. But_at least we can be lookin’ round between: now and Friday. I'm liable to rur upon a promisin’ non-resident almost. any time,’ I shys. ‘I've been suspect- in’ for some time,’ I says ‘that there he’s got his sportin’ temperature up, | was sharpers loose! in this fair m. but he's a toler'ble wise bird, and |trolapus. I'll keep my eyes skinned, there mustn’'t be any slip-up. He I says. thinks the deal will go through on| “The Generai, he grumbles some the comin’ Friday night, after the |more, but he's bound to see the force legislature has adjourned for the |of my reasonin’, and 8o finally he con- week. Thia is a Tuesday when he 'sents. The next day and the day aft- IH'DIHIP card wizard." er I goes snoopin’ round, spyin’ out the land, and late on the afternoon of! the second day, which is Thursday, Just after the train from Saint Louis gets in, I goes and looks up the Gen- eral and am able to report progress. I tells him a well-dressed party who looks like he might have uiterior mo- tives on other people’s bank-rolls has Just blowed in on the 4:03 from Ger-| mantown - by - the - Eads-Bridge and that if he's the person I think he = we've located what we've deen Jookin® fot ‘How'll you find out if he is, or it he ain’t?” says the General. “‘That,’ I says, one of the easiest things 1 do. Come with me.’ I smays. “So I takes the General with me and we goes up to the suspect, who is leanin’ agsinst the cigar case in the lobby. pickin’ himself out a suit- able smoke. “‘Howdy do, Izay,’ I says, ‘How did you leave things at Joliet?" “‘Excuse me,’ he says in a hauteur- ful manner; ‘I'm afraid you have the wrong party. My name is Montague —P. Alex. Montague.’ " ‘Probably so,’ I says, ‘probably so, for this day and date. But what's & name more or less between brothers in the same lodge? And besides,’ I says, ‘I've seen your picture in the paper too often to be mistook. Come with us’ I says; ‘for, 1 says, ‘we wouldst have speec® with you in pri vate. I'd hate it something awfu! I says, 'if some gossipin' busybody was to overhear us and go runnin’ round tellin’ people that Mr. P. Alex. Montague is no other than First Aid Izzy Wexenbaum, the well known and He Jooks worried at that. ‘Is this ‘Because if it is,’ says, ‘I'll have to tell you now nobody’s got anything on me.’ Our sole desire.’ I says, reas- surin’-like, ‘is to introduce you to some easy money.’ ‘General’ 1 says, ‘allow me to make you acquainted with Mr. P. Alex. Montague Et Cetera ‘Wexenbaum. “So with that we all repairse¢o our snug retreat, where Sweet Caps is waitin’ for us. The moment Sweet a pinch? he says. he Cups lays eyes on the gentle stranger he says to him, ‘Friend, ain’t I seen you somewhere before?” ‘Well says First Aid, ‘I wouldn't be surprised, because as far back as I can remem- ber I've nearly always been some- wheres or somewheres else’ After that it don't take no time at all t> come to an understandin’. * % o % NOW. if you don’t mind, we'll just “N skip along to Friday night. Everything works like it's been greased. The chairman of the railroads commit- tee recelvea hix bonus of two thousand and tucks it away in his wallet. He starts to go, but the General suspects there's somebody snoopin’ round in the “ : hall outside—so they ooze into Parlor B for a few minutes. Much to their, surprise, thev finds me and Sweet Caps and the gentleman known as P. Alex, settin’ there together, fussin® with the D beards in a bored and nonchalant way. From this point you know the route. It is sufficiency to say that on the fourth deal the limit is removed by general consent and evervbody starts bettin’ his head off. Preity soon the pace gets too warm for me and I throws my pat flush into the discard. Then Fthe Sweet Caps Kid decides his_ little i seven-full on trays is also outolassed | and he retires graceful. But the Gen- eral and the Chairman and First Aid keep right on slingin’ their frogskins into the center until when the show- down finally comes off the General. to all appearances, is out two thousand on four nines and the Chairman has gam- bled his two thousand away on four lovely kings, and First Aid is in the rocker with a little straight flush of hearts. “So First Aid gathers up the dough and shoves it into various pockets. He then_ arises and says it's gettin' on to- ward his bedtime and he thanks every- body for a pleasant evening and says good-night and blows himself out, all of which is part of the play as agreed upon. The Chairman likewise departs, but without thankin' anybody, and if O | Appeals Are Difficult. BY MIRIAM TEICHNER. Hamburg, April 14. | OU are the twentieth this | morning,” sighed a plump | but harried official in the wohunugsamt, as he gazed over his glasses at a young woman who refolded the paper she had just given him to read. The wohnungsamt 18 the official housing bureau—one of an infinite number of “amts,” or of- fices in which government business is transacted in Germany—and the young woman had given the official & statement from her doctor. saying that her need for a dwelling place was urgent, as she was abuot to be- come a molretn ‘These written necessity, they say at the housing bureau, because fake pregnancies be- came too frequent. A woman who is about to bear a child. and hgs no home for her baby is an object pit- eous enough to wring the heart of even German officialdom. Her plight must be real, however; otherwise she cannot hope to become the possessor of a red ticket. Once she owns a red ticket, though, she has hope of & home. * x % * HE red _tickets means “urgent.” Her case is attended to with something that remotely resembles dispatch, and she is given preference over perhaps scores or even hundreds of names which precede hers on the lists of the housing bureau. This particular young woman was, how- ever, as the official told her. the twen- tieth bearer of a physician’s state- ment who had applied that morning, and behind her stretched a line of homeseekers that wound out through the door and down the corridor, and through the outer door, on to the street. She had waited more than an hour, standing in line for her turn. And there was no home for her. She left in tears. The work of the housing bureau brings its combination of tribulation and blessing to the citizens of Ham- burg., and every large city in Ger- many. 1t is one of the “amts” wh! have increased the number of go ernment employes in Germany from a pre-war 1,000,000 to a post-war 5,- 000,000. It is an “amt” which is inde- fatigable in thrusting the prying nose of officlaldom into the family life of the German. ‘The housing “amt” says that, as & family, you are entitled to one more room than you have individuals in your household. You and your wife are entitled to three rooms, you and your wife and child to four rooms, you and your K wife and child and maid, to five rooms, and so on. Addi- tional rooms in your home—be it de- tached house or apartment—belong to the housing bureau. KBach is care- fully listed by the nunwearying in- vestigators; the bureau may send to occupy these rooms whom it pleases. And frequently, Germans say, there arises the most irritating of petty warfare between the possessors of the home and those quartered there. ‘The householders are allowed to in- dicate whieh rooms they will occupy and which they will give up to the assigned roome: In the nature of things, they keep the kitc! and the bath. An llllelldll\f battle then en- sues for the usp of the latter. Tha is one of the pleasures of “amt” ar- rengement of one’s affairs. One family had the opportunity, &< through the official bureau, to reht] three rooms in one of the most beau- | iful villas in Hamburg. but they| were without running water, with- out cooking or toilet facilities. When this family, because personal friends in possession of an apartment, were leaving the country, had an oppor- tunity to rent this apartment, they could, of course, not do so without reporting to the “amt” and asking permission. The answer of the “amt” came in no uncertain terms: “N emphatically no; there are fifty fami- | lles waiting for just such an apart- ment ahead of you.” ok ox % ~THE head of the family in this par- ticular case happened to be prom- inent in banking circles, and his wife, | moreover, was able to produce a help- | ful statement from her physician, and matters were facilitated. They | did eventually move into the apart-| ment, which they had found for| themselyes, and they are still won-| dering if it's true and congratulating | themselves on thelr luck. | At the end of 1920 Hamburg lacked | 16,000 wellings. The number of mar- | riages and births in Germany has tromendously increased since the | close of the war. Every woman one i Sees on the street or in the cars, it | seems, wears a plain gold ring either | on her loft third finger or her rignt. When she fis engaged her left hani is decoratbd; when the marriage vows are taken the ring is simply transterred from the left hand to the right. Khd so the Wahnungsamt is orowded, day after day, with women. Every seeker for a’ dwelling must come and roiterate her claim once a month. Failure to do this meuns the striking of her name off the list, ihe forfeiting of her place, perhaps after monthe of waiting and muke- shift living, and renewed months of uncertainty and discomfort. It is a stern master, the Wohnungsamt! As for rent prioes, the landlord and the tenant, viewed from _the American viewpoint, seem practically to have changed places. When I was, just a year ago now. making a survey of housing conditions in De- troit, a member of the Community Unicn said to me: “The tenant can do one of twc things: He can pay what the landlord asks, or he can get out; that's all Here in Germany rents are ‘leter- mined by ancther “amt’—the rent bureau. They have increased some- thing bstween 50 and 75_per oent sbove pre-war figures. When one remembers the soaring proclivities of American city rents, with apartments formerly renting for $35 to $40. the bone of contention at $125 and up- ward, this increase, considering the raise in food and clothing, is nom- inal. And here the landlord can do one of two things. He can take the price the rental “amt” stipulates should he pald him, or—he can do without any rent. Should he charge more than is legally allowed him, the tenant may report him, and the landlord must not only at once reduce the rent. but repay whatever amount is stipuiated by the officials. * % % X NATURAU:Y. under such oondi- tions, there is no iucentive to build. Even in America, where many landlords have much in compon with bandits and hearts that beat as one with every highway robber, building has been for i ' a standstill be- long practically at - Here, where land- cause of high cost. lords are altually losing money on their building investments, only the man actuated by the purest altruism will build to rent. And the landlord whose breast overflows with that milk of human kindness has, in Germany, as in America, still to be found. By the Krupps in Essen, of course, 20,000,000 marks of the past year's profits were set aside for the erection of workman's dweilings, but the pa- ternalism of the Krupps is not largely duplicated. Naturally, with rents rela- tively low, and every cost exorbitantly high, landlords refuse to do a pfennig’s worth of repairing, and lift up their veices and weep, without end, bewailing the falling to wreck and ruin of their property. An architect _here who was asked by a man who was desperately weary of walting for action by the “amt” to give an estimate on an American style bungalow of the simplest type, said that the lowest possible price would be 400,000 marks in American money, and, of course, that is not exorbitant. If I remember correctly, it is just about. what the Detroit Housing Corporation charged a year ago for its output. it must be considered, however, that when it comes to expenses the German thinks in terms of marks, and not doi- lars. The mark, however its purchas- ing power has decreased, still has the feel of 2 mark to him. And 400,000 marks is a young fortune to a thrifty Germar. This German did not build. He con- tinues to woo the “amt.” A small advertisement appeared in the Hamburg papers a few days ago announcing that on such and such a day at such and such an hour con- suitation hours, with a view to help and co-operation, would be held in the offices of a certain locai philan- thropic _organization for needy men and women of the middle and upper classes. “Gebildete” was the word used in the little notice. It is a word the meaning of which is not easy to translate. “Cultured” would come as close to it as any other. These consultation hours were to be held—not for laboring class fam- illes, but for' those of higher social rank. ‘This advertisement was the idea of one of the social workers to whom had been sent, by a group of Ger- mans in Bolivia, a sum of marks to be spent in any way which appealed to her as the best. * k x % 'HIS woman knew that, acute as is the after-the-war suffering among the city’s very poor, there are other sufferers, reached by no charity, whose suffering is none the less acute —men: and Women who, for very pride, would not appeal to the ordi- nary sources for help. Her adver- tisement was worded with tact to appeal to just such people. Whether or not they would answer it was an-} other matter. She hoped they would, but she was not sure. ‘The first consultation hour arrived, and—the philanthropic worker was swamped. After it was over her lists showed among the sixty applicants for help a pastor, a country judge, three teachers, two governesses, a post office employe, a ship's second officer, a former aviation officer, the widow of a major, baroness, a professor, a number of women who had once lived on their incomes and are now unable to do so, an en- gineer, a music teacher, a modiste, the widow of a well known sculptor. They came and they sat on th straight wooden bench: the oute it's been a pleasant evening for him he forgets to mention that, too. That leaves me and the General and Sweet Caps, and we sets awhile waitin® for First -Aid to come slippin’ back and return to us our ostensible losses and cut up the Chairman's two thousand with the rest of us. But he dow't come, and Sweet Caps goes out to see What's Qetainin’ him, “In_a minute Sweet Caps comes tearin” back in, to say our mew little playmate is missin’. He ain't ip his room, and the night clerk reports that a person answerin' to the general plans and specifications of P. Alex, just new paid his bill and departed in a taxi. “At this T jumps up with an agon- 1zed cry, rememberin’ that there per- fidious Izzy has just about ok time to get the 11:15 if he hurries. . Simul- taneous, the xame horrible thought comes to_the General. and he jumps ®p, too. But I reminds him, while we were grabbin’ for our coats and hats, that it won't never do for him to ba engaged in a personal altewcation with a common crook. ‘You stay here. general,’ I yells to him as me and the Sweet Caps Kid makes for the door, ‘and we'll go ketch up with him. *Stay right here,’ I says, ‘until you get word from us.’ “When it comes to lettin’ somebody else do the rough work and take all the risks, the General is certainly old Col. Buck Passer's favorite nephew He falls back into his chalr, beggin’ us to lose no time, and ax we tears down the hail we hears him utterin’ moanin’ soum.ls. “Take it from me, we loses no time. We jumps into a taxicab that hap- pens 10 be waitin’ outside the front door and tears for the station. W arrives there just as the little 11: choo-choo is on the point of departin’ for Chicago and all points east. We runs through the gate and piles aboard her and goes rampagin’ into the sleeper and shoves open the door of the stateroom. And sure enough. Mr. First Aid Iszy is hidden away there. He's engaged with his back to the door. and he's engaged in pullin’ money out of all his pockets and pilin’ it up on the seat in front of him preparatory to sortin’ and count- in’. “He looks up, but before he's had time to say a word we've got the stateroom door fastened on the in- side. Just as we falls upon him with joyful cries, the train pulls out, bear- in’ me and him and the Sweet Caps Kid far, far away into the stilly night. So when the first excitement has died down. I takes charge of the dough and divides it up proper. And as for Iazy he appears to be perfectly satis- fied with what he gets.” I broke in here. “Surety.” I asked, “you didn't give him anything after he'd tried to run away with the entire pot?™ “Why shouldn’t we give him amy of it?’ countered Mr. Dolan. ‘“Look at the trouble he had been put to— leaving his regular engagements and jumpin’ all the way out from Saint Louie on the strength of the telegram he got from me Wednesday morning. And anyway, ain't he the Sweet Caps Kid’s own half-brother? No, sir. he | gets all that comin’ to him—he’s done { earned it. | “But I knowea the dear old General | { would be settin’ up waitin’ for the word I'd agreed to send him, and T al- ways believe in keeping my promises. So, from the next station, I sends him a wire readin’ as follows: “‘Dear General: You was dead right. It°s better to cut a melon three ways than four. Which we have just done so. *“(Signed) Scandalous, “But,” concluded Mr. Dolan. don’t sent it C. O. D.—I sends it pre- paid. right out of my own pocket. I judged. the general might not have the cash with him to pay for it If it comes ‘collect.” " {(Coprright, 1921. Printed by arrangement with Metzopoiitan Service and The Washington Star.) IN GERMANY FINDS LIFE IS HARD, SAYS U. S. INVESTIGATOR NE Small Advertisement in Hamburg Newspaper Offering Helpr and Co-Operation Brings ‘ Pastor, County Judge, Teachers, Governernesses, Postal Employe, Ship's Officer and Many Others—Four Hundred Thousand Marks’for a Bungalow—The Genteel Shabbiness—When | their upper-middle-class gauntness, and each tried to act as though the purpose of his visit were a secret to the others, and as though the purpose of the others’ visit likewise -were a secret. . It was here, the girl who had written ‘the advertisement told me, that tact had overreached itseif a bit She had hoped that her visitors might have no necessity for brushing shoul- ders in mutual humiliation. Her plan was to dispose of eaci case at once, and to have no men and women si ting on the benches outsiGe. But they came too quickly for her. The pastor, who is fifty years old, has a wife and—biblically enough— eight children. These he supports on 11,000 marks a year. The present pur- chasing power of a mark was cited to me by a banker this morning as being between 15 to 20 pre-war pfennig. And he maintains himself, of course, in the decent habiliments required by his honorable profession. Subsequent visits by doctor and nurse to the pastor's home showed that ali ten members, including the pastor, were suffering from undernourishment: that the pastor's wife was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because of what amounted, in effect. to slow starvation : that five of the pastor's offspring had ‘but one shirt aplece. and that none have decent shoes. The pastor’s chil- dren were, in fact., unable to go to church on Easter day. Tho ship’s officer receives 800 marks a month-—that is a little over $13 in American money at the present exchange rate—and supports a widowed mother, his wife and three children Iliness, the result of undernourishment, brought him to the “consultation hour™ for middle and upper class people. ! | * % x % HE music teacher had believed hifiself to be possessed of remark- able perspicacity and business acumen when he negotiated for a series of street car advertisements supplemented by pamphlets inviting the public to learn violin, guitar and mandolin virtuosity from him. He had figured that, with expenses as they are, the piano is too pretentious an instrument for the purse \of the average music lover, and that, once his ability as a teacher of 'less expensive instruments was brought to the attention of the public, his troubles ‘would be over. They had, in fact, only begun. No pupils came, but the bills for advertis. ing arrived promptly. Silver and .fur- niture were sold—the music teacher had once earned a decent enough living and maintained a decent enough home by his art—and at last his own musical instruments went to help pay the price |of the plucky little ads that hm{hl no pupils, and the music teacher and his wife and children were on the verge of starvation. . ‘The sculptor's widow is seventy-nine years old. Her income on a little cap- ital left her by her artist husband was about 300 marks a month—plenty in pre-war days. Now, she is ill and al- most blind and although she tries with her groping old fingers to make lace that may bring hér in an additiona! mark here and there, she is unable. A landscape gardener has a wife who is_expecting he- eloventh child. The oldest boy has an offer of a job, but no clothes in which to go to work. Six of the children have one pair of stockings apiece. And so these “gebildete Leute"— these cultured people—come. Some are given a little money; some of the old and sick are put into institutions; the rickety and undernourished childrea of o offices in their genteel shabbiness and| others are being sent into tho country.