The evening world. Newspaper, April 4, 1907, Page 19

The Evening Have a Laugh with the Three Best Humorists of the Day. ROY L. MCARDELL. | The Chronicles of the Jarr Family. | 4é JULD you wear my furs?’ aaked Mre. Jar “No, 1 wouldn't wear your furs,” anawered Mr. Jarr, “I mean if you wers me,” amenéed@uMre. Jo It looks so bright to-day that I'd like to ge out in my f “In your what ea Mr, Jarr. “In my figure, ewered Mrs, Jerr. “What's the mat- ter with the mam?! 8he meant to sa Wha matter with the man?” but when @.lady’s mouth ts fu pina, enduring the mysteries of the tetlet, the word “man sounds like “mam.” Try {t | ‘What dol mean?” said Mr, Jerr. ‘I mean that if you! are going to do any Lady Godiva business at your time of | count me out. I'li-admiteyou have a nice figure, | 3 but"— Mrs. Jerr turned around from the mrtrror, tc Peached for her powder puff and regarded Mr. Je “The reather ts changeable and that was © furs, or at least my neckpiece without thé mur, m sks so bright, | A thought 1 might go out tn my figure, which means, a» I thought everybody | knew, that I would go out without any jacket, just with my dress—oh, you are} Bo stupid!" “T breathe again,” sald Mr, Jarr. “Going out fn your figure means you won't] Wear anything but your ordinary street dress? Ah! marriage ty a liberal edu-| cation.” | “But it's mighty stingy in its results so far as a wife's allowance ts con ered,’ said Mrs, Jerr. “How much monay do you think I make, Woman?’ demanded Mr. Jarr, an-| grily. “Don't you get every cent? Why, I'm/ashamed to go out anywhero with my friends, because I never have a ten-cent piece to’ spend. They think I'm a tightwad, but it's because every cent I make goes to you, and you are not path fied. It's no wonder men in trouble embezzling from their employers. It because the women aren't satisfied with what their husbands make, and, to keep up the ptyle they want to put on the men take what doesn't belong to then “Tt you ere giving me all you steal," sald Mrs. Jarr, tartly, “you'll never be arrested tor anything but petty larceny!” “I'm net etealing anything, thank you!’ said Mr being red. iets ioe, continued Mra. Jarr, not heeding his last remark; “‘further- more, I do not know how much you make, other than what you choose to tell me But I'm sorry that it is my extravegances that interfere with your pleasures. ‘It js too bed you haven't money to waste with saloon loafers, and iat you | fhowld feel eo bad because you haven't; but it isn't the money you give me that preverite it." why do you always take-the wrong meaning out of my words? “Because there's -a wrong meaning in them,” said Mrs. Jar. “A wife and mother never encourages a man to rob and emberzle. dose Bo i gen} extravagances that led him to dishoresty are not in hs home, It's elseewhere—gambling or bad company!” cic ‘ectare!' said Mr, Jarr, holding his temper by mein fowey “you are a nice one! I stay home from the office to-day to go out with yeu became it looks Mke a mice day, and you start in to make my holiday pleasant by calling me 4 thief and an embexzier and tell me I gamble and keep bad company, Wien—oh. well, never mind!” and Mr. Jarr gave @ groan of resignation. “1t's all your fault,” said Mrs. Jarr. “You take an innocent remart ef mine | and twist {t maliciously to mean that I wanted to go out walking on ae atreets | Mke an artist's model poses in a studio. You must bave « mean nia i “any man who expects to find a woman able to understand sane and #ensible things is crazy!" shouted Mr. Jarr, ‘The only way to get along with them is to Matter and foo! them!” “You've fooled me a good many years, but I've nover heard you try to Matter me! You didn’t want to go walking with me to-day, and you know it, Go op @owntown and leave me alone But Mr. Jarr @idn't, and, attired to eutt a bright day that might turn to @ Dlizsard, the Jarrs went forth, and before they were at the corner were on the of terms again. sk out the pins, paused-as she with an awed atare. 1 thought I might wear my | Jarr, -with “an inflection of sbarled Mr “The Lilac Room’ Is Worse Than Haunted. PRING onions might sultably be substituted for the Iflacs that decorate the lobby of Weber's Theatre, While lemons are a favorite decoration along Broadway, they could scarcely live up to "The Lilac Room,” a chamber of theatrical horrors occupied by Miss Amelia Bingham and a weird assortment of t night. ar Me tain to the authora at the outset, tt should be sald that Evelyn Green- Yeaf Sutherland and Beulah Marie Dix should lose no time in taking “The Road to Yesterday,” the veil, or anything else that comes handy. They are in tmmin- ent danger of losing the good reputation they have gained by thetr pretty little play At the Herald Square, As for Miss Bingham and her aswociates, tho only sefye to make the situation worse, Miss Bingham came back from “the road” in « trap that veritably dumped her into the play. Now Miss Bingham fs, er, ah—well, quite some—and to see her rolled on the stage was a large order even for first-nighters who are accus- tomed to queer sights, She was supported by pair of strong suspenders and ‘& Wenk company. The suspenders had real buckles and bore the strain very well Miss Bincham was Emily Painter, and Emily was fresh—very fresh—from Giilcxgo, to make Old England sit up and put on Its monocle, ‘The grouchy head of the household complained of the noise, and with Miss Bingham letting her- self out his complaint was wholly justifiable. Her cyclonic manners brought on a shower, and when the rain leaked through the roof Emily set « dangerous ¢: ample by raising an umbrella, If anything worse happens than happened last night the abseit Weber will know where to place the blame. “The 1 Room" was supposed to be haunted, but It turned out to be much worse than that. The gentlemanly counterfelter who was responsible for the northern exposure of the plot had spread the story of an anc'ent murder tn order to scare people away from that part of-the house, With the ald of « secret passage and & bad croom he had been coining money up to the time of Emily's val. ast Emily wasn't to be frightened off. She took possession of the room and & four-paster bed and proceeded to be vastly moro comfortable than the poor, tired audience had any chance of being, Miss Bingham, in a dove-colored nightie, held down the four-poster until she was smoked out by the dreadful counterfeliers, The butler came to the rescue with @ lead of hose, but with rare he restrained himself from turning the hose on her. » bad. dt was then up to Emily to seoure from the gentlemanly letters which had been written to him by a stlly girl who for some suntatte reason loved @ most ungodly young curate, This she did by draw wmace ing her, trusty perfume aquirter, fashioned like @ pistol, And levelling it at t! yitlajn. “But not without a sacrifice-oh, no! The villain turned off the lights and Capt. Austin Philipson-Wyngate, to eee her in the wrong light Hammond made the captain even more tmposgitze than hie name Bingham Was very busy most of the fime, she managed to get in bed. The audience laughed ‘at the play and the acting until It was really a shame to keep it up. CHARLES DARNiv + fet-in her lover Mr. Charles & Although Mis eonsider & was very Ured. Where Do I Stand?” By Walter A. Sinclair. H, Harriman, in @ letter telling of contribut ee Serene Veit's election, sake, “Where do I etand?”) ‘“ H! where do I stand?” This ts Eddie's cemand Oh, where do I stand now?" says he, ‘«f took @ collection to help Ted's election And now he fs running down me, When fat grease went ‘spatter’ | helped grease the platter To make bim the boss of the land. I helped band that present. And NOW, ain't it pleasant? Oh, where in the deuce do I stand? - “Ob, where do | stand? Naught but limes doth he hand, And my eyes with the briny are wet. For when they wanted Ed to help little old Ted ‘Then 1 was the real thing, you bet! jut Bow I've no chance and Kicked in my trance. Dh, the ingrate that fed from my hand! T’'ve # real, not cam-paign. I've # storm tp my brain. ‘mh, where ip this world do I stand? “Oh, where do I stand? Can't I ride with the band’ Up with Teddy and Kyan and Root? eevee 5 to President Roose » I'm aere all alone in the highfnance zone t While the trust-baltere give me the hoot. ie? Do I get my coin back for that time on the rack up bully and grand? 1 reart deuce dot LES, ny ~ 4 » ¢ * Me 1S ween , ee i eee Poor toes oP SS ORES CO CRE t COCR SCTISSSOCOEEC OC SSUES R OCICS SECU BC eu bt CLS O ESE O EER ORE URS ee take a wea TY World’s Daily Magazine, Thursday, A C. & & GEORGE M.- COHAN. 2 2 Happy Thoughts About Life, Showing That It Is a Great Big Laugh. F you bet on n't condemn ;80 much of ] the jockey No a horse lots of names laugh as ye horse that do ou that it will be almost impossible te t win make people laugh. hand slander the judges and call the j thing room comedian or open-alr funny me a man ever just remember the race is over—and laugh your head off. If a man tells you a funny story, don't say, “Oh, [ heard that before A good loser is the man who } inside | he'll hate you for life; and never say, “Did you ever hear this one?” before information—that {s, providing he can make the men | the other fellow ts Mnished; {f you do, you're a pest who know laugh When the banquet Is over you never hear them say, “Didn't we have a Never cry at a wedding. Say something to make | reat dinner?” Ag a rule, {t's “Didn't we have a great time?” It's not the the bride and bridegroom ehriek with laughter; probabiy | food they enjoyed, but the fun Men never sit around their clubs and drink because they are t | they're looking for laughs, that’s all The only real pleasure in life is the laughs we get; there isn't a man, woman or child in any part of the world to-day that doesn’t enjoy a good laugh A funny story travels quicker than a Western Union message. F} We laugh to live; we live to laugh,” . a it's the last laugh they'll ever have. If you owe a man money and moet him on the street it 1s absolutely necessary to make him laugh. Thet laugh you can hand him fs to pay him what you owe | him. . If @ man owes you money, don't nag him for the debt; make him laugh The best way to make him laugh is not to mention the fact that he owes Life is a joke whether wealthy or broke. you.anything | 'Thihk the whole thing over carefully, and [ think you'll agree with me Whatever you do, don't become known as a funny man; they'll expect! that Iife Is a great big laugh from etart to finish The Newlyweds--Their Baby 2 5y George McManus Does ' i MAMA'S & } TOODLEUMS HA | WANT TO CRAWL 4 OVER TO WHY, | WHAT 15 DARLING BABY TRYING LOOK’ LOOK! LOOK" HE'S STANDING up! LOVEY COME HERE THIS INSTANT! DEAR DARLING . PRECIOUS, PAPA'S OWN SWEETNESS . LOVEY, Lovey! YOURE SETTING THAT SOAP IN HIS EYES, A New York Brewster's Millions, | 42°27 (Cuoretees, 1908, 1804. by Baroer: 8, Sione) “Why didn't you tell & >.) Brewster SYNOPSIS OF PRECWOING CHAPTERS.| ‘There oan be no doubt that Jones By George B. McCutcheon besieged with questions, but he was cleverly evasive, “Peggy alone was in- tent; she had curbed her cuflosity asked | pacing | Youmly hands. the floor ike an animal, ner- Clasping and unclasping his "We must catch that secretary! Montgomery Brewster, a youas new Yers | has fled, scoompanied by bis secretary. bolleve Jones wis. dishonest beak, clerk ipnerite 00U.Uuy Ervin. Bie zpe t fin Butte ja that the seoretary has been duped by a clever scout | until they were om the way home, and Brandtaiher ip abvut ig eette dW | has murdered him.” en sh the, enjo rma: yf leaacy he notifies | Ripley moistened his lps and went tance of all,| then she implored him to: tell'her what wae ee aoe Ertss | on. no such person ie | ad happened. The misery he had or Srowster {hina} "We have despatches here from the of your | dured was as nothing to this reckoning Hoo banks, the trust . «lk supposed to | with the woman who had the right to ye managers, # known thet] scot fair treatment. Hl duly was Riv. Avout the ‘stands in his| clear but the strain hed been heavy in cas pril 4, OOK Ss RO HO OIC __ IRVIN S. COBB. New York Seen Through Funny Glasses. . ] N the bosky della beyond the Maries the financier who abaves his neck and wears link cull buttons is looked upon with grave suspicion and ts seldom intrusted with large amounts to keep. Among the sun-tanned yeomanry there is a half-concealed conviction to the effect that any man wh n't have his collar sewed ontb hie shirt Ia lead~ ing a double life and should be watched. It ts the hardy usurer with the flat-topped derby that he bought back in "Hand the uncouth manner of speech who fe allawed to bed himself. down hock deep in the eavings o€ the mitr- rounding populace, while putting out hls own at 28 per cent | crop eecurity and mortgages. The approved fi } Napoleon of the inland county 4 in a small room at the rear of the Merchants and Mechanics’ Real Extate and Loan Company, Also Notary Public, with his heels on the desk and his vest nbuttoned so a5 to show the fried-egg spots on his shirt bosom and the little tab with the butt ole worked In ft There iy A rusty stain across the bridge of his nose whe * apectacies liad the gangrene, which alone ls worth a good deal of money to him in the course of a year as tending to show that he cares nothing | for oatentation Hin feet wou ormann inside of brella that has be store or crockery teeth its an apple impress a stranger as being amply large enough to have vital m. He takes his chewing tobacco on the ear, carries an “am- Lee surrendered, and has a few rse with a loose shoe when he addition to these evidences. of mple yet sterling In’ | of dlimlect thet they talk in a Rube drama there is absolutely not ;a at re He can shave a claim so e that the halr-roots show. without at- reantiog uy wapleasant comment. The special Industrial edition ofthe Weekly Heaters hon : : >himas “a 1 of bluff honesty.” and so he ts—if you. stop just e to the last w #reat teaming city ne we have no au y-handed Croesus with the burrs in sin his chin whiskers. rms wescuts, wi } tnt vi ated prejudices in faver ¢ fobes of his-cara and the feld- The sight of a cashier wearing one of the new th the pear! butter-pintes for buttons, does not necessarily ine feelings of acute distrust in the bosom of the o a! depositor, When the Oe teller beging using hemstitehed handkerehiete and having his nails trimmed by a Indy farrier at a mantoure shop It doean't atgnify that the direc- +| fora are going to put private detectives on his path >: for we know that many an honest heart beats beneath a patr of dove- bats. Slnpiy becnima the bank president can mash his feet without hay- Thal Injuries ip no sign that he t# a corrupt scoundrel looking for a chance to run off with » dy else's wife and everybody else's money. - THE FUNNY PART: ly when one of elther variety steais away with the stealage it dawns MbON Us that the wardrobe doesn’t cut such @ figure. BET YOVINCENTS o CE*LOVERS LOVERS' QUARRELS, : S many young people write me telling me of lovers’ quar roils In which they are involved and asking on which one devolves the duty of apologiaing and making up. There can be no inating resentment between two people that really love each other, The sooner @ lovers’ quarrel is made up the better, and ‘neither participant should allow any Cocling of injured dignity to stand in the way of peace. To prolong » quarrel simply keeps two people miserabie. If you love a man, and he has hurt your feelings or your pride, bound to forgive him sopner or later. To do ao at once simply saves y: feelings, This argument applies equally to a’man who feels himself to be jJured party to a quarrel. It is really @ great deal easier to forgive than to be forgiven. The old not letting the sun set on your wrath is @ very good one, It will save you many & sleepless night. The cause of « lovers’ quarrel is generally most trivial; its ef- fect extremely serious, Avoid them whenever you can. The price ts scarcely ever too high. a Loves Her Step- Cousin. of one another? He never goes out Dear with any other young ladies, — I. 1)” you think Tam making mistake? 53 I have promised to marry a son of my mother's stepbrother. My parents advise me lo break my promise. : AW. ‘The relationship is mot too n that fs what you If you love Lim and he can support you marry him. Otherwise, no. She Is Jealous of Him. you he prefers the society of another Your jealousy is absurd. 17 Loves 24. Dear Betty: AM & young man, seventesn years old, and bave recently met & young lady, twenty-four years of age, and @ fell in love at first sigh. I am Dear Betty: wetting $10 per week, with good pros- ii YOUNG MAN and IT think 9 great | pects of more, but my parents object to | roa to know that when not wiih it ea] of one another, He goea| my marrying the girl gn account of iny with a young man ten years his| age, 1 would ike your advice. I dearly senior, of whom T am rather featous.| love this girl and want to make her He spends all of Ais time with him| my own. 8. B. F. when he is not with me, and he ls with| You should not merry before you are me Wednesdays and Sundays, I am|{ twenty-one Then the girl will be as much as engaged, although we are both young, nineteen y T dave not got the ring, but..I can easily wait. Do you think that I should be Jealous of his friend, as they think the world - May Manton’s Daily Fashions, |" simple” Bion twenty-eight. If you still Jove her at that time marry her, But to do so now would be @ terrible misteke, Your parents are right, You should heed thelr advice. jacket ip ale ways in dow mand I¢ ls bots serviceable ana smart and it meanp & bit more protece Won whan the more fanciful sort, Here pyar a a bead = that the ape it war P t nay to meet it i) one Unat le well year Pagmy, something terrivie has hap adapied to all ‘ated that they were once Fy spenaennitr. | He ef ian Mey. ae oe nued Brewater.| pened," he faltered, uncertain of nis ronable ouitings dering the milion. You. The safe 4s of one tn @| course and that oan b pri ae "Tong Gave | 1 me everything, Monty; you can (reated ine variety Ap of MOCK, every 1 i|t ne to be brave of wave As illus Value that he eould ¢n I asked you to marry me,” he (rated Js made of Mie own papers and offs 7 od wravely, was with the Panama cloth with AL tat Petes daer teat p.. m a ught that I eould give you every trimming of wide s the aut tlee that the secre 4g to-morrow. 1 ked for a for | banding and sou- \tary has made away with the old ma ine. I neVer meant that you shoul tache braid, but property, 7 marry & pauper collag and cuffs oan fret fa, 20, tr FD pas ys Ay ton't understand. Yau tried to tem be nirasting t he realized my love for you? mate if Uked, oF se + ue * the convertibie | i No child, not that, But I was pledges can be rather more estate, the purchaser being « ! 4 1 wanted you so much before it h soutache, while tat b s a man 1 4 The Flight of Jones. ramed den. Brewster, {tlt tookal ‘ wider banding VERYTHING soon Wke a dream | v5, ts if he had disappeared r And It has failed you?” she answereg, ean be of braid, the to Prowater rushed oft | c being done agg OF 1 Vt wee that ic changes thi a} material of the through the night to the office of police are investigating. He is! mational st od to marry & pauper, as you gown or of some ‘ant & Ripley known to have started off into the 1 the all it, De you think this coud make“a eguirasting =o Fe ne doer, came in| mountains with Secretary on the | the @uthorities difference? Bands of the fabria ~ Poni ‘Great pbher, Neither has been seen, are properly But you don't und steady tones fre 4" since that day, so far as any one kno @ my boy y understand, F 4} piped with silk in Aropped into & chuir and Brewster me- | ear to have swallowed » n't a penny in the world canrasting color chanlcally slammed the @oor se | eee ctne seetmorttion are searching | pide and. M hadn't & peiay when I accepie ere well liked ond Sis is rye?’ Be Gemanded, (henredy. | efort to fed J or his body. He ix| “I'm sure to be anid Brewste i ‘you. and you lave'me f are handoome, while “Jones was leat soe in Butte on the | effort to fiat Jones ¢ ih yo nd if you love me J sou thine ae Oe third of this month,” eald Ripley, “We | S00" Teoh nse was area\ Sloth on ease sent several telegrams to him efter that L at is all we fore Jefore emotes, euk on either are n xpected to leave] resent. The Hut Monty calfed Py ‘ day, asking when he © “J | to-morrow to drive just once around th much Jiked. for “New! York. They er were | Wwone A tn before noon The auantion of lated and tae telegraph camp Pe | Jor M money. Hi darling,” he wal Ms _ that he could not bs found. We! you. my bo celnte for home. “aiesy ut material required por r have gone off to look |,.“What do they know about the pevre-| WI!l you There je nothing for the medium sise thougat he miges ve wane Off 10 1098 | tary t' Brewster Asked, suddeniy Inient jhe wedding jy 8 bd yords f 4 afte? some of his property an} were not] and alive " nave ‘ ie W new one, I understand wanting my whole fortune yards 7 on 1 ta yngasy: Finally we began to monder | 06 00 15 Jones lebe than a, year { thek. toe wht be-all .on Jacket—Pattern No. 5634 yarde #4 or §2 inehes why be had not wired us On leaving f0p,) oe “Jones Is wald t had tmplict ay 4. obtid, but I R the Bast | telesraptied agen and got | fdiih (nb sald Hiple ‘ t . . with 4 yards of banding and soutache, according to design, no anawer, It dawned upon us thet And he disappeared at the (his Was something unusual. We wired his feoretacy and reecived a response from thé:@hief Of police, He asked. in wa me CH {PTER NMNIX, The Last Word, were last seen together ¢ bas pul an end to Joneat | xeftedly, “lt te an pla: ura, if we could (el! him anything Laat ot lnhuance @ Giger, tell you-mbout Ht dater, dear about the’ whereabouts of Jones, Thit | oid man. inducing b get was all th Pesey ading. peturelly me and yesterday wr | money together on some pretext as | | could draw from him. , Kept he pet, The reels ef our Pet | Upon Monty's reture trom hip tying (nquiries Ie lepribie, Ms, Breweter,’’ ‘He began hour with the lawyers he had beeq ercisy sua aire » F' 3 a os ee oo MM, © and @ inch bust niterm No. Gthiht ie in sizes for a %& measure ‘ Cail or mail » THE DON FASHION BUREAU. No. & West Trentp thing etreet Tork. Seyd ten ceols in cote oF steanpe for enah pattere ordered. IMPORTANT Write your name end address pisiniy, aad al ‘Certainty not You whould be only foo — * aides